It's not easy coming back to this blog. It was only when I was about to start a brand spanking new one, that I realized both would show up on my profile. I toyed with the idea of deleting this one, because I didn't really want to have the old baggage with me when I embark again on this new quest to gain a smaller bodyshape. I had the finger on the button as you might say, and then I thought "No". I don't think taking this blog from the public domain, with its record of how I got to this point - good or bad, would be a good thing. There are over 50 people watching it, and for the last 3 months I have had weekly reports from the site meter that people read it - about 60 per day, and most of them stay a while too. I have encountered some horrible things along my journey, and I would have liked to have known of the complications which can arise with this type of surgery - although (lucky me) they are very rare.
But enough of this. That is the whole reason why I wanted to reinvent myself, call myself something different, set up different pics and restart this thing on a new blog. I was going to call it a different name and everything.
I think I should carry on from this blog. At least when I do succeed, people will see how dark it can get, but there still be light at the end of the tunnel.
So... Here I go again.
I was at my heaviest recorded weight. Last Friday (24th September 2010) I went down with the Mumps. I was 19 stone 6lbs - 272lbs - 123.5kg
Lets rewind ever so slightly...
I had a fill at the end of July with Jane. I cant remember exactly when, but I had 3 ml put back in - taking me roughly to 6mls again. It was not good. I couldnt drink all sunday and made a dash to Gordano Services near Bristol to get an emergency unfill - very unglamourously - laid down in the seat of my car! So I had a ml out and all was right with the world again. Jane was heavily pregnant bless, and I asked, a little selfishly, when she would return to work after the bub because I just knew 5mls wasnt going to do jack. She suprised me by saying she would only be having a few weeks off but, as she put it, this is her livelihood. I was back to work pretty darn sharpish after having DS for the same reason - from £300 a week to £50.10 on the Self-employed State Maternity benefit didnt really cut the mustard!
So I went through the summer holidays gradually gaining, and not really being too bothered, but then I started thinking about things, seeing myself in the mirror and feeling terrible bla bla. I badly wanted a fill but I knew that Jane probably had only just had the baby, so didn't think it fair to ring her. It was probably for the best considering that I was - unbeknown to me - INFEKSHUSSS!!
So, I was a little forlorn wanting a fill, but not getting one, but with hindsight I am glad it didnt happen. The thought of an overfill plus Mumps would be the worst thing ever. I am not sure if any of you have had the mumps as a kid, but having it as an adult is a whole different ball game. Apparently I would have caught it around 2 weeks before I got hamster cheeks, and I was infectious for about a week before I even knew I had it. On Friday I felt like death - sore throat, achy, sniffles and head-throb from hell - and woke up Saturday morning to be greeted in the mirror by Jabba the Hut.
Its been a week of soreness, swelling and chronic back and tummy ache like the worse period pain in history where the virus travels through my system swelling not just my face, but my ovaries too. With a jaw feeling more than a little random, chewing was an unpleasant experience; swallowing even worse. However, I was really annoyed that I got ill because since booking the 'fill that never was' and prior to the head explosion - I had been thinking to myself:
"You have got to do something about this"
"You should really sort it out"
"You have now outgrown all the clothes you bought because you outgrew the clothes you bought before that!"
"You have to pull yourself together and think about you for a change"
"You feel rubbish and out of breath walking up the stairs... that ain't normal"
"Come on, lets do this"
Then I get sick, and cant cook for myself. I was totally lame. DH is an absolute wash out in the kitchen and its made me realise that if I died, so would they. It is a family joke that DH once asked
"How do you cut Lettuce?"
It was at a time when I was again ill, and he was making dinner. He doesnt find it very amusing and says its gotten so old now, but we think its hilarious. After this week, it actually disturbs me deeply. DH and my Dear Son have lived for the entire week on take away. They have spent £235 on take out dinners and lunches. I have been so ill that I seriously didnt give a toss, until now that I am feelign better and lookign through the receipts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could kill him! I didnt eat a lot of it, but I did have chicken fried rice on several occasions (not a lot of chewing), remember having the sauce from chicken kormas and tikka masalas. Enjoyed a handful of chips with mushy peas and other such delights. Yesterday I was sooooooooo sick of take out (and was feeling much 'better' in the loosest possible sense of the word) that yesterday I had a lettuce for dinner. I just could not hack sitting eating chinese takeaway, even though it looked, and smelt, delicious. I couldnt do it.
Mumps does put you off your food, the sore teeth and the dry mouth probably, but I was hungry even so. Tonight I feel I can cook, I am up and about the house and did a bit of washing and have started resuming normal duties, but WOW. I am goign to have to teach DH to cook. DS can cook well. Homeschooling has seen him help me make a lot of different things and he cooked us a delicious onion soup and a sausage casserole not so long ago. He loves making cakes, cookies and other things and makes himself a boiled or fried egg, and can put together a salad, but DH is clueless. Before I met him he told me that for the 6 months he had been on his own he bought a sandwich from a garage for lunch and for his dinner he ate faggots, or Aunt Bessies deep filled Yorkshire puddings. Day in, Day out. Sheesh. His weekly shopping bill came to £12.00.
So I have to teach him or he will be lost forever. I learned only today that last Sunday TB (short for Travelling Buddy - my best mate who I go everywhere with) pressed a bacon quiche into his hands and he said "No, honestly I have it covered" he said. He made dinner that night - Smash potato with cheese. This is obviously a serious situation!!
Anyway, DH's lack of cooking ability is tragic, but nothing to do with my return to Blogging. I decided I needed to keep track of foods, and I intend to have that fill in the very near future. A single millilitre will do the trick and take the edge off my hunger I am sure. Keeping track of the food I eat is very difficult though, and I hate a tatty journal smudges with ketchup and cats paws on a daily basis so I write it down on a sheet and then I will type it up on here.
I dont intend to write this blog like I used to, as its very time consuming and laborious, but I am going to write things down that are interesting to me, possibly you and more importantly my battle.
I know that this is not going to be a walk in the park simply because I was to give it another go. But wating to, is the first step. I am also not raking over old wounds ever again. I cant do anything about it, so I have to move on.
From now on, sorry English chums, but I am weighing in in KILOS. I have no idea how they work akin to pounds and stone, and that is why I am doing just that. They are not a measurement I am at all familiar with - if you asked me to guess a kilo of carrots, I would be way off. Thats why I am going to use them because I cant see all the past bench marks. I used to think my bench marks were a good idea... I can real them off for you, just for kicks... here ya go:
Today 19 stone 3lbs (269lbs) 122 kgs - so 1.5kilo's gone from last week!!!!! yay!
Highest weight ever before 19 stone 1lb
Weight at starting this blog 18stone 12.5lbs
Weight at banding 18 stone
Weight at 2nd banding 17 stone 12.5lbs
Lowest weight since banding 15 stone 6lbs
Lowest recorded weight in adult life 15stone 2lbs
Weight when I met DH 13stone
Weight at high school 11 stone 4lbs
Weight when suffering from wierd eating/anxiety disorder 9 stone 8lbs
Can you see why I want to use KILOGRAMS??????????
Check out my lovely new ticker. I have 45 KILOS to lose and that doesn't see very much to me. Positive.
I would love to lose a Kilo a week every week, and that is my goal. I may make it, I may not, but even half a Kilos seems like a lot of weight to lose HALF A KILO!!!
I am so used to stone this makes me feel amazing. If someone told me I had lost half a STONE in a week, I would be throwing a party, so I think KILOS is the way forward.
As you can see I have lost 1.5kg over the week of illness, but I am going to start again from today. Today is the day I decided to get the blog going again, and today is the day that I recorded my food from.
As ever, I will try and be as honest as possible. I am going to try very hard to keep my food diary up to date (Top right hand corner of this blog) even on crap days so you can all give me tips etc.
So, bunny has been resurrected and I hope this is the real start of something good. Also I know that if I need to, I can have the bypass. However that's kind of a finality I don't want to do right now, so I am going to really give this a go first. At the moment I am determined and positive and off to contact Jane about that well needed fill.