Wednesday, 30 January 2008

11 and a half weeks since 2nd surgery

Well, its a little while down the road since my second surgery.
This morning I weigh 17 stone 4 pounds.
2 weeks ago I weighed 17 stone 4 pounds.

I am not happy, but neither am I upset.

I did think with all the exercise I have done over the last few days that I would have lost weight. But then again I did have wine every single day. I know its my secret weightloss killer.

So now I am back home and back to food that I know doesn't have secret hidden calories in (and no wine!) I should start to see some results.

Roll on next Monday.

Next fill is on 10th February with Hospital group. I am then going to see the other guy who bunk mate went to see. Hopefully we should start kicking some serious butt.

Back to the grind then. I am spring cleaning as I cant stand the mess in this house any more. We have gotten rid of over 4000 books, and that's made space for me to get rid of a load of junk from inside, into the garage. Next stop the dump! Hurrah! So I am doing a home cleanse and then going to work. Late night tonight, so must make sure I have a good lunch and a snack for later.

Will update this later

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Return of wander woman

I am back! Hungary was brill as usual. Heres a pic of my baby and my freinds babies in the hot water of the lake on a freezing friday morning. Lovely it was!Not wanting to bore you (but going to anyway), the food for the holiday was strange.
When we got there on Thursday afternoon I had Hungarian goulash soup and a slice of bread.
That was it for the day. DS and I then went for a Thai Massage. I had a full body and DS had an oil massage. Lush.

Friday morning I had museli with chocolate bits in from the little shop and later a banana. Then DS and I had a Russian massage. Very invigorating and fresh. Then we went off to the lake and
we swam for 3 hours and then grabbed a salad.

Saturday I had a banana, and then we went for lunch at a really nice restaurant. I had a vegetable omelett.. and only ate half. Went swimming in the lake again fo 45 mins and then in the evening we went out again. I had a mouthful of liver, some lettuce and a small pancake with nuts.

Sunday I did hardly anything as we had the maseur come to the apartment, and I felt lazy all day after that. So we ate a packet of crisps and a couple of yoghurts. I went out in the late afternoon with DS and had a salad with chicken strips on top. Didn't manage all of this... probably ate abou 3/4. ----> Yummy!
Monday we got up early. I had a banana, then went to the manicurist and had my nails done and they look awesome. Then back home for an hour's Swedish massage and then off to the lake for a couple of hours swimming. I was starving after that so we went off to get some dinner. Found a lovely place that we thought was a restaurant, but was in fact a swish ice cream bar and had a couple of boules of ice cream. Then went to another restaurant with the others and I had 'Rooster stewed with its balls' Yes. That was the dish of the holiday! Last year it was "Prisoner in the Gaol Foxy Soup". This time it was Rooster balls!!! HA HA.
For any one wanting to know, they taste like strong Brussels pate... but warm! Rooster is very gamey and strong and has to be stewed for half a day to make it tender. I didn't eat very much. 1 ball, a chunk of rooster and one sheet of what looked like boiled lasagna.

All in all the meals were little. I left food on my plate each time. I was going to have what DS had and just eat what he ordered and left, but I didn't fancy what he had, and also he ordered things with potato and meat without a sauce... It would have been too dry. So apart from the wine I drank - 3 bottles - I did great.

I will weigh myself tomorrow and see how I did.

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Whats happening? Can it really be true...?

My band is being the best buddy in the world.

Today I ate:
Breakfast: tablets
Lunch: a small piece of bread for lunch.
Dinner: 1 chip size portion of quorn's fake lamb grills, 2 baby carrots, 10 peas (no joke!)
Supper: 1 slimfast

Todays cal intake is about 400 if that.

Can it really be true? I am like FULL after this. Its strange. I am a little concerned too...

Oh its ok, now I'm over it! HA HA. I don't know why but I seem to be having a lot of restriction this week. Its like its suddenly got tight or something. I'm not knocking it, but just hope it carries on. I am now going to make sure that I eat the right things first, because I was actually MAKING the flipping lunch today and just decided to have a bit of the bread whilst I was preparing it, and I was full. I had to chuck mine away. This evening's meal I was eating for about 10 minutes. I knew, just KNEW, that there was NO WAY ON THIS EARTH that I was going to be able to eat another bite. If I did, I would have been sick for sure. So I just put my plate down and left, basically, the whole dinner less 2 bites!

This is sooooooooo COOOOOOOOL!



I am now off to Hungary for 5 days - ironic or what! So I think I am going to try something really OUT THERE. I am going to simply order for DS and eat from his plate. At the end of the day, if I am still hungry I can have a snack in the apartment. Its got a kitchen and stuff, so its not as if I have to eat. I am going to give it a go. What I don't spend on meals, I can have on massages!! OH BOY WHAT A SWEET DEAL!

A shout out to my Bunk Mate M:
*Frantically screaming in ecstasy*
BABE THIS IS SO WORKING!!! If you are not restricted yet, you soon will be and its totally doing its thing honey! It was so cool the other day when you all came up. Really love you guys and cant wait to see you again.

Ok peeps, I am gone.

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Starting to get it... although slowly!

And I might also forget again, but there we are.

Today has been bizarre on the food front.

This morning I swallowed my slightly larger SINGLE prozac pill and also a cocktail of paracetamol, phluroglucinol and vitamins and I was full.

Yes, that's right. Full. On pills. Hmm

So i just went with it. Its pay day today so I had all the bills to do and money to sort out and stuff like that, so I was not really that interested in eating really... just getting my stuff done.
So i got my stuff done and it was midday. I grabbed a yoghurt, then I thought I might catch up on a few emails and Cindy turned up. I forget we had a lesson today, but it didn't matter. She is learning a piece of music to play at the talent night and she has never played before in her life! Its really cool teaching her to play this excellent and really hard music when she hasn't got a clue about any of it really. This is the whole point of it because everyone will be stunned when she trots up and plays that! So I did her lesson and said goodbye etc.

Sat watching you tube video's of strange things... I hate you tube as you always get led off somewhere. I started looking up old music and ended up viewing a tour of Dachau Concentration Camp! How does it happen. Anyway, woke up to myself and shuddered thinking about all that horrible stuff that went on and how people still haven't learned to get along together. Man certainly has dominated man to his injury as Jeremiah says.

Then I thought, wow its 2:30. Better get some lunch before I go to work. DS had made himself a chocolate spread sandwich already so I made Noodles for Carina and I. I cooked 3 packets of those little curry flavour tesco value noodles all together. They are only about 8p a packet! So started to tuck into my plate and managed NO JOKE 2 forkfuls. Then I had to stop.

Carina made me tell her about the lap band and how it worked and I drew her a diagram and then realised that actually I wasn't hungry any more. "So it would be stupid for you to eat more" she said. She was right. I think I am finally getting it. Having food on my plate doesn't mean I am hungry still. Its a really hard thing to figure out. I think being blindfolded and fed would be a better way to be honest. I think that seeing a whole plate full of food makes your brain THINK its still hungry so we just carry on. Its nearly an hour since the noodles and I feel full. Hmmm Food for thought.

Can I survive on 2 forkfuls and a muller corner? I am going to have to try because I am off to work now and not home till 9:30!

will update later

Monday, 21 January 2008

No longer a scank

Died the old roots today. It was looking serious. I could probably have blagged a free house off the government to be honest...all I needed was a couple of snotty screaming babies and I would have been in.

I now remember why I STOPPED dying my hair. I hate roots. I used to get brown roots, now I get sodding blonde roots, and it looks like I am balding. I really love the dark hair though. I think i am going to have it done at a hair dressers because it is a real pain in the rectum to do it at home.

Work was random. Feel like I am losing that initial flush... but am still feeling really really great about teaching. This, to anyone who reads my blog, is actually amazing. I feel motivated and haven't forgotten prizes or books or promises for anyone at all... I am glad because it means I must have turned a corner in the head department.

Could it be that 60mg of Prozac is actually right for me and the old grey matter is functioning as a normal human would? Talking about Prozac... I got a new prescription on Saturday and I was prescribed ONE 60mg tablet. the cheeky swines in the chemist gave me THREE sets of 20mg ones. They had over ordered and hoped I didn't mind. Ummm... no actually because I have a bit of a bother swallowing 3 horse tablets to be fair. So I went and got them changed today and would you believe it, I got 2 tablets free!! HA HA. For someone on the make this would be a really good way huh! I thought every drug was really well accounted for and stuff. But there we go. 32 tablets instead of 30. I told them I had eaten 6 of the tablets already, so they should have given me 2 less for sure.

Anyway, whatever. Apparently 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA is a formula to pinpoint the worst day in England. For us Brit's, this formula represents

W: Weather
D: Debt
d: Money due in January pay
T: Time since Christmas
Q: Time since failed quit attempt
M: General motivational levels
NA: The need to take action

...and means that today... 21st January 2008 is the most grim day ever. Crap weather, personal debt on a developing-world scale, post-holiday blues and general apathy-inducing malaise.


All that's left of the holidays are credit card bills and an all pervasive sadness that the next holidays are too far away.

Oh no! Mine aren't though.... I go away again on Thursday! HURRAH!. So why do I feel shit?

I dunno. Apparently everyone fells shit today. Its like maths or something. But I actually feel a bit excellent. I spent the whole day in bed; well until 2pm anyway. then I got up and had soup and a roll. I took about 20 minutes to eat it and then I planned on going to work. I got to TB's house and decided to pop in for a coffee and it ended up being an hour & half chat. So missed the first lesson and had to blag some excuse and was late for 2nd and 3rd. Missed the 4th completely as couldn't be arsed and then did the 5th and 6th. Luckily I didn't have the last 2 otherwise I would have been up the proverbial creek.

So alls good. Got home and DH had made quiche (again) and I had quiche and TUNZ of salad. Yum yum. Try tomato sauce with chili mixed with salad creme... Well nice cocktail sauce with a kick. I had that on top the salad.

Then I had a bottle of wine. So todays food =

bread roll

half can Heinz mushroom soup

1/4 quiche

salad (just leaves)




Oh yeah, and a box of maltesers (750cals) I must be due on. It was an impulse purchase. Ooops.

Friday, 18 January 2008

TFI friday

Today has been random. I have felt well strange all day.
This morning I felt really sick and felt pretty like 'empty' in my tummy... but not hungry ...?
I didn't have breakfast as I didn't really know how I was feeling.

I took DH to the doctor to have his humongous inflamed bursar on his knee drained. They took 175mls of bloody stained fluid from it. It was great to watch. The doctor thought it was hilarious that I actually wanted to do it myself! DH has now got a knee, where before it looked like a watermelon under his skin.

Then I came home and did I don't know what and then i felt so grim i thought I should eat something. So i cooked some pasta with one of those dolmio stir in sauces. I didn't enjoy it, and pasta is very hard to break down with teeth. I chewed each bite well over 30 times, but it was still a little lumpy and I could feel that my band didn't like it too much, but it was tolerating it. I didn't get pain or need to be sick, so i carried on.

Eating did NOT make me feel better. In fact I think it made me feel slightly worse. I went to bed for a sleep before I had to go and do my lessons. I was so NOT going to cancel them! I am in such a good place in my head with my teaching at the minute that I don't want to wreck it. I So I slept, and when I woke I had to jump out of bed, throw my glasses on and go to work. No time even for a drink! I felt ok at first and then slowly the sickly feeling came on again. Felt dodgy all afternoon and then had a cup of tea at my last pupils and a biscuit and knew I was gonna throw. I had to use their toilet and felt horrible. Anyway... it happens.

So got back and felt awful... but I was starving. DH had made quiche and jacket potato with cheese and pickle. A slightly odd combo but edible nonetheless. I had the quiche and knew there was no way, even if I waited, that i would do the jacket potato. No way. About 5 minutes after I stopped eating and DH had taken my plate out, it was up the stairs to bring it all back up again.

So food wise its been a bit weird.
pasta, dolmio sauce, half a quiche (less the sicked up bit).

Not a good day...

Thursday, 17 January 2008

How is it possible to mess up so... completely?

I have had a RIGHT day of it today.
Wednesday is always my busy day. Today I had an inordinate amount of work, errands, washing and doctors appointments to keep.
Here's today's jobs:

Take Keith to the vet to be castrated
Wrap and post 7 books
Write thank you card to my brother and his fiancee
Do 6 loads of washing and subsequent drying
Teach DS about something useful to his future life on earth
Hoover & clean the house
Prepare the evening meal and leave minute instructions (!!!!)
Pick up Carina from work
Pick Kieth up from the vet
Take DS to Kids club
Go to work
Do 12 piano lessons
Come home and eat
watch some serious telly

The ones in orange are the ones I accomplished.

Why? I hear you beg me to tell...

Because HSBC is a CRAP BANK!

This morning, I felt like I had earned my wages twice over. Seriously.

Yesterday I paid in my last 2 weeks worth of cheques as follows:

£338 in total.

Today I see the bank has credited me... but only for £208. Ok, no big deal - thinks I - yeah right! I phone up and they give me a completely different list of cheques that I apparently paid in. Ummmm. NO! So after some big style argy-bargy I finally convince the woman that there must be something wrong because all of these are BUSINESS cheques and I don't even DO lessons for £10 let alone get written cheques for them! I also told her I don't take £14 cheques, or £16 cheques, which I apparently paid in as well. Where my £150 cheque was no one knew.

Off to the branch. O M G . What a complete load of thickys. How long does it take to grasp. Someone put the entry in wrong, so maybe like CHECK IT ON THE SCREEN!!!!!

After about an hour and a half in the bank, I left them all my numbers and told them to get in touch when they had sorted it out. So at 2:15, just before I had to go and collect Carina, they decided to call, hence I didn't end up collecting her, DH did.

Apparently someone had entered the £52 cheque as £2 and the £150 as £16 or some bollocks. Whatever, the cash was mine, I felt exonerated and my account thankfully looks flush like it should do, but BOY! What a load of stress. It makes me think that I should just take it all out and stash it under the mattress because I will look after it a hell of a lot better... and wont get charged for the privilege!

So absolutely nothing happened today other than me sitting in front of the computer raging on the phone or storming HSBC and getting my money. DS managed to actually complete a spelling test and also a lesson on meleto through all this bedlam. How, I will never know. The poor kid. He sure knows adults don't get a fun life. If he went to school he wouldn't have a clue what was in store in the great world that is 'life'. At least he is getting hands on experience of how to deal with situations I guess and learning to cope with it by watching us. He knows nothing less that a good shouting match gets things done my way!

I jest, but seriously. How will kids today cope with all this crap? They are so unprepared and don't even know the simplest of things - like whether something will recycle or not (and how to find out) or how much to feed a cat (or how to find out) or can you wash red socks with your white shirts...( and finding out the hard way that pink HAS to be the new black!)

I talk from experience of the aupairs and others that have stayed with us. Its like a fault in the learning of everyone under 20. Then they have to suddenly UN-learn everything they learned at school and quickly sort their shit out to get on in life. My own brother had to get me to sort out his phone line. He can text for England, has a business degree and has a the most massive wide screen telly you could lay eyes on, but when his sky didn't work when he ordered a film, he couldn't work out why it didnt work... or why BT charge you for a phone and you kind of like need to tell them if you want to use it. Hello?

We have got to teach our kids fundamentals man! I remember that Cook book coming out called "how to boil and egg" or something and I thought *snort* yeah sure who doesn't know that *scoff snort* But they don't. My brother and his fiancee - the next generation of baby producers in the UK don't eat ANY vegetables or hot drinks or anything that is not microwaveable or comes delivered. What are the kids going to be like?

Sod learning about how many atoms there are in a fucking cell - get on with how many eggs are in a damn dozen! I would NEVER send DS back to school. Every day that goes by gives me 1000 more reasons why life at home in the real world gives them far more.


Feel better now.

So yeah, had a pretty shit day and fed up with dealing with incompetent ignoramuses who have been promoted to a level of idiocy.

Today's food and band health in general... Good to middling.
I had today, for the fist time in a long while the possible thought that I might need to be sick... but I actually didn't.
Breakfast was nothing - thanks to HSB F'ing C.
For Lunch I made an avocado and prawn cocktail sandwich. The first half went down fine, and the second half went down in maybe too big bites so that I had to stop... but I stopped! So 2 slices of bread in a sandwich with a wet filling is pretty much out unless I am careful.

I think I just got secure that I would be ok, which is a big mistake. I was so worried about eating a sandwich that I was going really slowly... and it was when everything was cool, I started thinking (talk about paranoia) "maybe when she put it all back in again it missed!?!?!?!" Then of course I started to relax my chewing and whoop! There it was. Stop right there sister!

Then I went to work. Whilst out I had one of those special K bars and then when I got home I had 1 piece of carrot, 1 tiny broccoli floret and one bite of quorn escalope in breadcrumbs that I felt the pain in my chest. It took half an hour to subside. By the time I felt I could continue my dinner was cold and unappetising. I took it slowly and finished it. This evening I have had a couple of yoghurts.

So today's cals 1224.

This evening there was also a minor miracle. I was putting new nail polish on and I shook my fingers back and forth like you do to dry them... and my wedding ring shot off my finger!! HA HA HA that is SO cool - and scary! I will have to watch it.

Started out

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Back onto soft food...

Today's food was in line with the advice given to me on Sunday... soft food for a few days and then back to regular stuff.

2 muller fruit corners
2 slimfast shakes
2 glasses of orange juice
1 avocado
1 pot of low cal prawn cocktail

Oh... and endless coffee's!

I resisted the urge to have chocolate today. I so very nearly bought one of those giant quality street green triangles today. they were practically jumping off the shelves, ripping their own wrappers off and feeding themselves to me, but I resisted their guiles!

Been a busy lass today too. Seems now I am back to work and working at capacity, my whole life is a whirlwind. The weeks are flying by much to quickly for my liking.

So I am feeling completely full and satisfied right now (half 10 at night) and quite impressed by my lack of food. The calories were on the hefty side a bit today though... 1300. Avocado, prawn cocktail has over 500 in it on its own and slimfast has 212 each.

Now this next bit is for my dietitian... who called... YES... CALLED ME (!)... this morning to see how I was doing and see if I was needing any encouragement or anything. GULP! How cool is that. This is what I thought it was going to be like after I had my surgery to be honest. Thankfully now it is!! Hurrah!

coffee @ 9:00
coffee @ 10:00
coffee @ 11:00
Muller fruit corner @ 11:30
coffee @ 12:30
Slimfast @ 1:30
Slimfast @ 3:45
Avocado and prawn cocktail @ 6:15
2 glasses of orange juice @ 8:30
Muller fruit corner @ 9:30

If I don't write it here, it will be lost in the chaos that is our home!

Monday, 14 January 2008

Liquids.... Bleugh

I am on liquids today after my fill and I have not been hungry. Whenever I started to get peckish, I either had a yoghurt, or had a coffee or had juice. Worked well.
Today's food:
2 x black cherry yoghurts
4 x peach and apricot yoghurts
1/2 ltr pineapple juice
7 coffee's

Total cals: 532.

Did a tesco shop online today, so tomorrow I should have some more interesting yoghurts and also some more juice. I also bought a couple if those coffee flavour slimfasts because over ice they are like frapaccino. MMMmmmmm

I was rushing about all day today trying to sort out 100's of things, and then I went to work. Got a lot of kids going in for exams this session, so its a bit ARGHHHHH right now locating the dosh for that. I always forget to ask someone for their entrance fee and wonder why I am out of pocket. Hopefully this will be the first time in 12 years that I don't!

Spoke to bunk mate for over an hour this evening and she is looking forward (understatement!) to her fill on Thursday. I have decided that I wont be ridiculous and have one too, I will stick with WLSgroup and go back for my free one in 4 weeks. So fill #3 is on 10th Feb. YAY.

Weight today was 17 stone 4 pounds. This was a loss of 3 pounds this week. HURRAH!

Total loss to date 10 pounds (8 since re-operating)

Sunday, 13 January 2008

Its going to work this time

Went to see Wendy at the Weightloss Surgery Group today.

What an inspiration. The managing director, Michelle, has had a band and lost over 12 stone and another lady there who worked on the team had lost 13 stone. There are more too, but these are the ones I met. Wendy the nurse is lovely. She totally knows what she is doing and the treatment I received could definitely be called After Care.

I arrived a little early for my appointment and was shown in to see Michelle. It was in the lift up there, I met a lady who worked there (cant remember her name) who had lost 13 stone, and then I met Michelle. I talked me through my story, most of which we had already discussed on the phone, and then she gave me some details and reassured me that the band works. period. She discussed area where they would accept a patient, and where they would not, but above all it was my commitment to working with their advice that would eventually get me the results I crave.

Then Michelle introduced me to Wendy, a bariatric nurse, and she took some more information... things like what had happened with my band, when my re-surgery was done and how much fluid I thought there was in there first off. I told her that for the first month or so after my operation I was still trying to make the band confirm to MY eating habits rather than accept that i had to change, but that for the past 3 weeks I had been trying my utmost to toe the line and in the last 2 weeks I haven't been sick or had pain at all.

She looked over my food diary that I had kept for the last week and asked me why I was eating mostly soft foods...

I hadn't considered them to be so, but i can kind of see her point now. Anyway, the cals were fine and she was not bothered about anything untoward. She then asked me if she put a chicken and salad sandwich infront of me now, how much would I be able to eat. I said that if it was with 2 slices bread then half that because its dry. She wanted to know which foods made me have bad reactions etc. Then she asked if I had restriction. I told her yes, I did have, but it doesn't really show as long as I chew my food well and its wet-ish. She also asked me if I could eat more after I had finished, and I said that 95% time I finish whats on my plate and stop there because there IS no more, not because I cant eat any more, so I am kind of self restricting.

So she decided that she was going to put in 1.2ml, but she was going to do it over 2 weeks. She said she would give me 0.6mls today, and then the other 0.6ml in 2 weeks time at no extra cost.
This was to err on the side of caution and get a good idea of things and how I react to fills, especially as it was after my 2nd fill back in May that my port blew out and I was obviously nervous about that.

So I laid on the bed and she showed me the needle in the package with the hole in the side. She placed 0.6mls into the syringe and then started to feel for the port. I had my hands raised over my head, and then she asked me to do a leg lift like in the gym so that the heels were just off the bed and then she located it fine. This all took much longer than its ever done before. Then she said "Look at the angle of the needle. I will write down that your port is slightly on its side so that I remember in future, but I just wanted to show you that too so you know as well." And it was indeed a little bit weird. Not vertical, but slightly lying down and to the left a little.

So then she pushed the 0.6 mls home and I thought that was it. But then she said "Now I am going to check the total fluid..." and carefully withdrew the liquid. "I am doing it ever so slowly and then releasing the syringe to check for the slight suction that should be there" which is was and that apparently means that there are no leaks and stuff. She pulled the syringe to maximum and there was exactly 5.1mls in my band. WOW. I felt a bit weird and funny when she put it back in, but I just lay there for a few minutes. There was no bleeding from the wound or anything like that and everything was done.

She filled out a card with my weight on it (110.6kg on Sunday 13th January at 4:45pm) and then how much she had put in, and how much was in the band in total.

Then there was more talking and showing me stuff and a model and spare bands to show what she had put in and show the difference etc. Then I went to see the dietitian. She is called Hala, and she is lovely too. She looked over my diet sheet and wasn't too bothered either, and then asked me to keep a record of all my food until I see her next time and when I eat that food as she said that was really telling.

So all in all, a very enjoyable and reassuring time. I felt in VERY safe hands with people who know what they are doing, who have experienced the operation first hand and gone through the process. It was truly worth the £100.

Today's food:
3 smoked salmon slices
green beans
minced beef and gravy
1 square of 70% chocolate

Saturday, 12 January 2008

Extra protein with your Mussels...

I was amazed at the amount of tiny crabs I had in my mussels when we were in France. Apparently the mussels eat the little crabs and this is the time of year for them to do such things... makes them a bit crunchy though. I couldn't be bothered to keep checking them, so I just gobbled them down.

Anyway, back to fills... Had a an answer to my distress email from my Bunk Mate from Brugge this morning. She is so adorable and I love her to bits. I am so pissed of with this weight thing though. Any of you who think I am rash then don't worry. I am going to London tomorrow to see the weightloss surgery group for aftercare and to see how they are. I don't actually know if they will give me a fill tomorrow without seeing my x-rays but if they offer me one I am going to take it. Then I will see how I feel. Obviously it depends on what she gives me. If she gives me 2ml (doubtful) then sure I wont have another fill for ages. If she gives me less that 1 ml, then I am totally getting another one on Thursday from the other doctor. But don't worry I wont do anything rash. Yesterday I was just wound up.

My reasoning is this - supposedly most people having significant restriction and it really working for them are at about 7mls give or take. If that's the case, then I am going to need more fills. I cant keep living like this and I need to get my life on track yesterday. So as the aftercare from is just that - an aftercare PACKAGE - I can get unfilled at any time and have access to a 24 hour bariatric nurse in an emergency. I am not going to be all out in the dark on my own like I was last year.

I am going to be sensible, but I physically cant take not losing weight any more.

Today's food:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: beans on toast

Snack: muller corner

Dinner: chicken breast stuffed with fresh lemon and onion and wrapped in thin pastry (60g) served with broccoli and carrots and a cardamom sauce.

All heavily counted and verified and total calories today were 973.

You see, I really am sticking to plan so its not just a case of eating less calories anymore. I am totally doing the right things.

Today has been manic. I hate it when I have loads of piano lessons all over the place. I was in and out of home like the proverbial fiddlers elbow today. I had 3 straight off the bat and then 20 minutes to kill before the next one, then 1 hour to kill before the next and then 2 hours before the last one. It really drags the day out. Anyway, its over now and I was able to shift one up closer to another one so next week wont be quite as annoying. I might try and squeeze another couple of lessons in to make it worth my while staying out to be honest. I would rather be working anyway, if I kind of have to remain in teacher mode all day. Its not as if I can relax on those breaks.

So, I am off to watch Shaun of the Dead... again... and see if its still as funny!

Friday, 11 January 2008

Lets get this band to KICK ARSE

Right, I have totally had enough of poncing about.

I have booked a fill on Sunday AND Thursday. I am fucked off with having to ravel to London every 4 weeks and pissing about losing nothing.

I don't care what happens, I just need this bloody thing to start doing it's thing RIGHT NOW.

This weeks food... just to keep you all in the loop...

Today: 749 cals
1 Bowl Borscht - beetroot, celeriac, potato, passata, onion, garlic, dill
4 duchess potatoes
2 tablespoons of baked beans
1/4 small quiche
1 muller fruit corner

Thursday: 819 cals
1 quorn meatball and onions, peas and mashed potato
2 muller fruit corners
2 packets of crisps

Wednesday: 984 cals
Yoghurt (muller with a fruit corner)
1 chicken breast, mushroom, cabbage, celeriac, bacon in stock
1/2 bottle red wine

Tuesday: 1697 cals
pot noodle
2 packets crisps
1 portion of lasagne

Monday: 1100 cals
chocolate bar
2 banana's
home made chick pea and prawn curry

Sunday: 714 cals
1 croissant
1 pot of mussels in tarragon (1.5 pts with shells on)
3 very small slices of bread
2 glasses white wine

Saturday: 1379 cals
1 slice brioche
1 tablespoon fois gras (chick liver pate)
olive oil/balsamic vinegar with 1 slice brioche
1 pot moules marniers
1 ice cream desert with nuts and meringue
1 bottle red wine

That ain't a hell of a lot I don't think.

My mum has said she was surprised at how much I can eat. Well... Ummm... its about 4 times less that it used to be honey! And I am annoyed at people on they talk out of their arses...

They were like..."wheres your protein, its all really high in fat, I don't know what half of these things you ate are" - well we don't know what your dumb ass American food is either, but we just FUCKING WELL LOOK IT UP! Its not hard! Jesus, how hard is it to understand crisps?? I knew that Americans ate 'chips' and the Brits ate 'crisps' when I was an infant school. GET A GRIP YOU INSULAR SHITS.

Also my protein has been
on or above the recommended daily 45g according to the Daily plate...
and YES! I do use that. Do they think I don't know what the hell I am doing? Of course I do. I just need some damn advise because seemingly the diet above it BOLLOCKS because I am not losing. When you factor in that I don't lie about all day, get off my arse and do things you would expect that I could shift at least a pound right?

All this crap about 60g of protein... its utter drivel. All this stuff about keeping full... to be honest I am not starving at all so why would I possibly need to wind my way through all that?

Also, the fat intake according to the Daily plate has been BELOW the guideline amount every day, except for 8th January. So screw them! They know nothing at all about this - just a bunch of bigoted greedy nosy bastards with more than their tuppence to share and its not worth a light.

What a day.

Those assholes really ticked me off, especially because if I wrote back a post like "Oh, actually you are all... like... WRONG!" they would find something else to diss me with, so screw it.
They know absolutely nothing. What a damn shame. It could have been such a good site if it wasn't for all the goody goody know alls who don't know shit.

I am now over it. *steam rising*

Tomorrow is yet another day, and I promise not to shout at you all again or anything! HA!

Sunday I will stump up about £250 for a fill, but it will be worth it. I cant go on like this its killing me. I KNOW I am doing everything right. yeah yeah yeah, I know I could cut the drink back, and yeah the junk... but OMG everything is so shagging shite that I need something to look forward to! I wish I didn't turn to food for oral satisfaction. Why cant I be addicted to sex or something. Far more fun and at least it burns calories.

Some people have all the luck.



Why do I do it?

I jumped on the scales this morning, after a glass of water and fully clothed and I am 17 stone 10.

This is destroying me.

I really thought that I have had a good week so far, and I know its after liquid and clothes, but for GODS SAKE!

I feel so utterly shit about everything to do with weightloss that I feel like going and smashing things up. I feel fat and ugly and a failure. I have had it. I cant do this any more.

Odd day

I spent all day in bed with a headache. I slept too... So strange because I have been feeling fine recently. At least it wasn't a work day... of course it meant I haven't eat much.

I got up at 5pm and made the dinner. I cooked quorn meatballs in onions with a little water and an oxo and added some dry sherry. Served it up with peas and mash. I managed 1 meatball, my portion of onions and the peas. I had to have a big pause in the middle too because the meatball did not want to be eaten. I thought to be honest that I was all done, but I felt it go through the band and then I was hungry still.. just shows huh.

I have had 2 yoghurts and 2 packets of crisps too, so today is less than 1000cals.

Heard from an old friend on facebook today. Its horrible really. She is still in touch with some of the guys i went to college with and haven't thought about for 13 years... its just real all over again. The faces on some of the pics are just like kicks in the guts. I didn't realise what a horrible place college was for me. These people are nothing to me now, but they shaped the person I am today. They and other like them are the reason I had to get out of the county and move away. I just couldn't face the thought of bumping into them shopping or something. I can remember always being on my guard when i lived there. I am glad she got in touch, but sometimes maybe we all drift apart for a reason.

I realised that others don't experience your life the way you do either. She was quite shocked when I told her about some things. She had no idea that some of the things I was going through was going on at all! We only really see what we want to see, or keep out of it. Its just sheer nosiness into peoples lives that makes us join things like facebook and search for old friends... What other reason could there possibly be? I know I just want to see how they are doing, what they eventually did with their life and if they are married, got kids and see what they look like now. That's it. Once I have found that out, its kind of over for me. I haven't suddenly revived a dead friendship at all... their has always been the initial rush of "oooh ahhh" and then it slips into silence. I think that's sad.

Part of me inside just wants to have been friends with someone and then grow up together in the same community and still know them. Stability of knowing the people you live near. Where I am now I don't know any of my neighbours except for "Hello, nice day" or "could you feed my cats for 2 weeks? Cheers" I do kind of yearn for the older smaller more insular world of days gone by. I wonder why that is. Every year we are given more and more things to 'want' and 'do' and yet there is something deeply unsatisfied in my life. My being wants a home and a large family and with my extended family around me... wants to be close and to know all my cousins and aunts etc intimately and to share good times. Other families pull it off.. why not us?
I want the simple things and to be modest... so why cant I do that? Is it society pressure? Why is it looked as as tragic to have nothing...? Why is it we have to have stuff.

I read somewhere that in 1850 the average person had 75 wants, and 16 of them were considered a necessity. Today we have over 500 wants and 127 of them are considered a necessity. Can we really have changed that much in 150 years.


Wednesday, 9 January 2008

50's housewife...

Well it seems like I have been home forever already.

Yesterday I made lasagne as I said, and as I made double, I was able to freeze a whole meal for 4. Yay. So I portioned it off and wrapped it in clingfilm and put it in the freezer with labels on. today I have made a chicken casserole of sorts...
Here's the recipe - for remembering how to do it again if its nice if nothing else

4 chicken breasts
1/2 grated celeriac
1 small Chinese cabbage
3 onions
a bunch of tarragon
8 rashers (the big non fatty bit) or Back Bacon cut up into strips
8 large field mushrooms
3 knorr chicken stock cubes

I put the Chinese cabbage and the grated celeriac on the bottom of a casserole, then I chopped the onions and bunged them in. I kind of mixed it up a little and then buried the chicken breasts in that lot. Then I put all the tarragon (and there was a lot) on top of it all and then snipped the bacon up and spread it on top of that. The whole thing I topped with field mushrooms face down and whole with a couple of layers of streaky bacon over the top to give flavour but to take of when its cooked. I then put 2.5 pts of stock in it.

I hope it will be good. We will have it with potatoes. I probably will just have i like it is, but the rest of the family can pig out. Hopefully there will be enough to freeze too.

I am also making Borscht. Russian style of course. We are going to have it for lunch. DS helped me chop and peel all the veg and make it which was cool.
chipped celeriac
6 whole fresh chipped beetroot
4 cloves garlic
1 large potato cubed
1 onion sliced thick
2 carrots
1 packet of fresh dill (about 100g)
beef ( the most rubbish cut you can get and throw away at the end of cooking)
we just have to pop around the shop to get sour cream to dollop on top and we shall be tucking in.

I haven't actually had a morsel to eat today. I have had 3 coffees but that's it.

I have so much to do its scary, so I wrote a list. It always helps me sort stuff out.
I have today:
*Booked Keith in to the vet to be 'done' on Friday
*Rang dentist to see if we are booked for check-ups
*Booked a doctor appointment for DH tomorrow about his knee
*Texted DH the number of someone who smashed into his car
*Sorted out the money for my Piano Pupils who pay 10 weekly
*Had Tesco's deliver and put it all away
*Been to chemists to get stuff
*Made dinner for this evening
*Made borscht for lunch
*Taught DS how to work out HARD fractions
*Sorted out a couple of direct debits that had got canceled for some reason (???)
*Tidied the whole house
*Done 2 loads of washing and drying

I still need to
*Pick Carina up at 3pm
*Write a cheque and remember to give to DS to pay Kidz Klub
*Drop DS at Kidz Klub with said cheque
*Go and have a coffee before work with TB and my sis
*Go to work @ 4:15pm until 10pm
*Clear up the dinner things when I get home
*Collapse into bed.

Personally I cant wait until the last one!

I am in a considerably good mood today as well... It might seem weird that I would think this notable enough to put on my blog, but it is. I don't normally feel this up beat! I think my tablets with their increased dose are really doing their job now. I am getting a bit worried about my fill though, because I might have problems taking them. I know they don't want to prescribe me the liquid for of Prozac because of the cost, but because I am feeling so happy, I am not really wanting to change tablets to be honest.

Anyway, long may it last. Today's lessons are the worst. I really hate Wednesday's. All the lessons I have are either hard work, or stressful in some way. The first 2 I have are totally NOT interested in learning. The next 4 are all in the same house and its not just hard work doing it straight for 2 hours, but they are also hard pupils to teach. They are not talkative or open and I haven't got a rapport going with them yet. Also one of them thinks they are really great and that they know best, so it really pisses me off and makes me feel like a crap teacher. I hate that. But obviously its her who has issues receiving instruction... so get over it! Then I have a relatively new pupil... seems ok, but because its new, its hard as I am still getting to know her skills. She also wants me to teacher daughter now too... so I must have made a good impression... Then last I have 2 of my friend's kids. They are fine, but one is now working towards grade 8 which equals hard work for me!!!!!

The only one I really like is my very first pupil on a Wednesday as she is so eager to learn and a beginner... it kind of just zooms by. she isn't having a lesson today though which is a shame, but there we are.

Right, off to eat borscht.

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

My two boys in Red Square, Moscow

Looking forward

Yesterdays food was ok...
I had a pot of instant couscous and roasted veg... 220 cals
I also had 2 banana's and some chocolate whilst I was at work, and then home made curry when I got home. I was glad I froze it because after 9 lessons I would have ordered takeout for sure!

Yesterday went well. I was a little worried about going back to work after having such a lot of time off, but everyone was really cool. All 9 kids had been practicing and it was great to know that I they would be ready for their exams in March.

Today I have 4 new pupils. WOW! The first is a lady who had a knee op who wants to use her time off to the maximum advantage. The next 2 are a couple of boys who have had lessons before but must have moved to the area and need to resume their studies, then I have a regular that has changed from Saturdays, then I have an old pupil coming back into the fold. She took her grade 6 with me and also some preparation for her A level music performance and then stopped in the summer to concentrate on her studies. Now she has been given a place at uni, but she needs grade 7, so we are going to get that cracked now!

So At the moment DS is doing his Maths lesson and I am kind of getting my head ready for work. I have to remember to take new notebooks for the new pupils and a selection of graded material to give them something to do to ease them into my regime and a little bit of preparation on a personal study I have.

I am at present sitting in the classroom with DS and between us is his half finished breakfast in a bowl. It is some kind of chocolate pillow style cereal we got from France. I am not joking, but it smells EXACTLY the same as baby poo. That yogurty new born baby poo made of pure milk.

I was sitting here getting wafts from the past when I realised what it was. I had forgotten that smell, but isn't it funny that the minute you smell it (even after 9 years) you start to look around for the wipes and a new nappy!

I haven't had anything to eat today, and frankly the baby poo cereal has kind of put me off to be honest. I am going to make something to go in the oven for dinner when I get home so that I don't order take away again as I might be tempted if there is nothing ready to eat when I get home. I am going to make a lasagne. YEAH! Easy peasy and nice to eat with my band.

Right, have fun chaps!

Monday, 7 January 2008

Back to the grind

Hello all. Back from France and in a pretty cheery mood.

Have not weighed myself or bothered with what I have been eating AT ALL in any dieting sense but have gained just 2lbs since 12th December. That is really good news and a boost for my confidence in the band.

I have not been sick for the last 5 days as I finally (DOH!) realised that I do in fact need to chew everything to a paste before I swallow. At times this has even found me hawking up an errant piece of food out of my throat before the reflex swallowing happens just in case, which I am proud about.

So I have been to Russia and France and eaten out every day and drunk wine every day too and only put on 2 pounds in nearly a month.

Now I am back to England and back to normal food hopefully I will start to see that shift downwards.

I have sworn of the booze because its just pointless wen you are trying to lose weight. I have also sworn off takeaway meals too. They are loaded with fats even though it looks like they are not. So I am gonna make a lot of meals on a Sunday to freeze for eating when I get home from work in the evenings and am too tired to cook.

Financially I am totally back to normal and we even managed to get DS one of those Nintendo Wii things. I couldn't believe it when we were looking around before Russia and they said they were sold out! Whats that about? Anyway, we got one in France! HA HA. So although we were prepared to go Wii hunting and DS was on a serious mission to find one, we didn't have to look further than Cite Europe as they had one there. Also it was only £200 so saved a load on the UK price too. So if you want one, go to France!

So DS is happily being a maniac in the front room waving white controllers about with his Dad. He had already bought 3 games for it before we went to Russia so he was so excited about finally getting it back to blighty yesterday that we had to set it up the moment we walked through the door and let him have a go or 12!

We also got loads of bargains in France in the clothes department. Seems they now cater for larger lasses and I bought myself a nice pair of sweat pants. I have taken to wearing them around the house and, I never though I would say this, but its really comfy doing that! Also DH got a couple of new pairs of track suit bottoms which were actually the correct leg length! He always wears his trousers out at the heel because they are always too long. But obviously French men must be shorter than your average UK bloke, so he was chuffed.

DS spotted some really nice jumpers too and there was so much more selection in the boys department that there is in the UK. Seems that French kids like to look smart sometimes (or rather their parents don't just accept them looking like scruff budgets) and they had a great selection of smart casual stuff.

Next time we go I will be more prepared. I could only fit in about 20 packets of coffee pods, but they were only 80p per packet of 36!!! I LOVE coffee and I use maybe a packet of coffee pads in my machine every couple of days. Not senseo, or anything like that, just standard coffee pads. How can they charge £3 in the UK? Its sickening. I usually buy them on the Internet from Belgium, and I thought that was a good deal at £120 a pack of 18. Next time, its actually worth me popping over to France to get them!

So anyway, back to band land... I have NO PAIN, NONE! I am totally fine in every way. I have been swimming and down water slides and walked miles and even done things like *shock horror* scrubbed floors and fed the cats without getting a sore gut!

Its amazing to be pain free.

In fact its hard to imagine the pain I was in now and how tired it made me.

In light of this, I have taken on 5 more pupils and am now working 5 days a week - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I am pleased that my pupil taking her Grade 7 Piano exam at the end of last year passed because I was so worried that without the regular lessons I had ruined her chances, but she passed really well! I am so proud of them all.

Now I can start to get on with my life and start feeling better about myself and hopefully get on with losing weight the way I should have been last year.

So onwards and upwards!

Shout out to D over in Aus - Have fun and hope you had a good journey hun! Will miss you!