Wednesday, 15 December 2010

'They're coming to take me away'

Ok, please appreciate that I have unbandaged my chopped finger to write this.

My poor little finger lost a portion of itself in an incident with a rather sharp mandolin. I had mixed all the ingredients - 8 eggs, broccoli, spinach and Stilton, and had nearly finished slicing in the 3 onions when SLICH, the top of my finger comes off.

Now friends, what would you do??? Yeah, I just mixed it all up, bunged it into the pastry case and shoved it in the oven and then attended to my gushing finger.

Hey, whats a little meat in a vegetarian quiche right?

So its been in a big old dolly of a bandage for a few days now cos that cut HURTS BAD! It's not like that deep, guessing on the gauge of the mandolin that would be just  2 millimetres, but its so big an area and it keeps bleeding cos it cracks open and stings like I dunno what!

So I was going to update this thing for you and say thank you for the comments of you two ladies and Caroline sent me a lovely point by point (was gonna say blow by blow! HAHA) letter and it really helped so thank you.

I cant say that I feel like I am ready to hit the band land road again or get myself sorted again but I don't feel quite so low and distressed about it.

I think that I need to get myself an aftercare package. I mean that would seem a little bit of a *DOH* moment being nearly 4 years out of surgery, but I never had one. My fills have to be carefully planned as each one costs me £125. I just don't really have £500 spare in a month to get myself to some kind of level of restriction/sweet spot by having tiny fills here and there. I wish I had that luxury and to be honest I think I can get a package for 2 years for about £600 so I think it might be worth it. I would spend that in a year anyway, so it would take the pressure off.

I am also always paranoid about my band not working, breaking blah blah blah and it would be nice to have someone know me, my history and talk to on a more regular basis than just 10 minutes getting jabbed on my couch and adios!

I am going to think about that in the new year.

Current stresses:
1.) I am worried that we wont cover the bills for our shop at the end of the year.
I keep being told by DH that this is totally NOT a problem and there will be plenty of spoil but for some reason its just freaking me out. Maybe I am focusing on this dilemma because I have another stress...

2.) I am awaiting the test results from a skin scrape for Paget's disease of the breast. This is a form of cancer where there are changes to the nipple, and the areola. The symptoms are an eczema type patch, sometimes with oozing (sorry for grossness but after the finger thing, if you are still reading you have either already thrown up your lunch already, or you are not squeamish!). Apparently by the time this shows up you have ductal (milk tube) carcinoma. The doctor took one look at it and said "Hmmm looks like Paget's" and of course I had no idea what that was until I got home and googled it and found

DUN DUN DUN...

A page on the MacMillan Cancer page all about it.

And there was me thinking I had some skin condition (well I still might... right? right????)

Brilliant.

So, currently not giving much of a fig about anything at all. Strangely manically calm - yes I do seem to be able to be very upbeat and carefree in my worrying about the second stress and tragically searching for answers to the first stress at the bottom of a gin bottle!


No seriously... Its not a good time, but I am really oddly coping with it. But I did have a Chinese last night... so maybe that helped!! LOL


Oh yeah, (for Caroline) I totally know which foods to pleasure myself with. Who needs sex when you can have and Indian or a Chinky?? LOL


3.) will we or wont we get on holiday this year? I have spent copious amounts of time looking for cheap holidays. At the moment its looking very likely to be Tenerife, Lanzarote or umm any of the other ones. But I cant book it yet and I am getting stressed thinking that rather than the prices going down, they might actually go up!!!!


I need help lets face it.


To sum up how my life is right now, you can't get much closer than this little gem:

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Will lost

Ahhh guys, I really am struggling.

I was this morning 119kg, so no losses, and a bit of a gain since I bothered last time, but I am my own worst enemy.

I spend each day pretty much thus:

wake,
drink jasmine tea or black tea or black coffee

Possibly have lunch - maybe mashed potato with cheese, maybe a sandwich (prawn cocktail extra sauce on the side to help it down) maybe chicken noodle doodle packet soup. Usually nothing.

Mon/Tues/Wed
go to work, come home around 10pm order takeaway (current favorite, korma sauce for starter, followed by chicken madras and mushroom rice) or have a jacket potato with cheese and coleslaw + wine.

thursday/friday/sat/sunday
no work, so usually something I have made, but I rarely eat with the family. I like to wait, relax, take my time and eat at my pace on the sofa watching telly. I get myself a nice big pot of jasmine tea, my dinner, my favorite show that has been recorded on the sky+ and watch it.

Some meals I have made recently:
curry
spanakopita (spinach and cheese pie - greek dish, filo pastry etc)
waffles, beans, eggs & gammon
sausage & mash
jacket spuds
chicken salads

oh man its so depressing.

I don't know why I am even bothering to write this tripe down.

I am in a rut, know I have to change but just simply can't be bothered. Yesterday for instance I had 3 cadburys crunchie bars, 1 bowl of chickpea curry (homemade), 2 fishcakes, and a bag of prawns in cocktail sauce and half a bottle of red wine.

Why did I pick those things? I dunno. They didn't make me feel any better, I wasn't eating them because I felt bad/emotional/happy/sad I just ate them as that was what was around.

I got fish and chips for my son and his mate who was sleeping over, DH got his own thing when he went out in the evening to a show, Charlotte had dinner at her mates house, and I made the curry with rice for Al. I had a bowl of that whilst he was eating his cos it was tasty but that was it.

I later made myself the prawn thing and sat down and watched Dirty dancing: Havana nights (sweet film).

I am not feeling particularly hungry, but if I try hard enough - and you girls know what i mean i am sure - I can get a large meal down me.

I have never got this restriction word. Like actually understood it. Is restriction when you eat it stops in your throat, or a full feeling? I mean it's 9:20am. I have had nothing to drink and am straight out of bed so if i got a slice of toast/mouthful of porridge/rusk/cornflakes or even yogurt it would go GLUNK and sit there for ages. Is that restriction??

If I have a jasmine tea or 2 and then a mouthful of toast/porridge/rusk/cornflakes or yogurt it will go down. I will feel it - like "is it, isn't it hmmm" kind of feel it and then I will be able to have another bite 2 minutes later etc.... Is that what I should do?

Cos you know, I can never be bothered. Cos its such a flaming palaver, I just don't bother. I am not hungry, so why eat? Is this the mistake??

I get peckish around about 11am and normally will get something - a biscuit, or soup or something safe. Maybe I just know this band too well and know its weaknesses and its loop holes.

I am still heavier than I was at my operation date which is nearly 4 years ago now. It will be 4 years in February.

Oh man that just makes me wanna cry. I am still paying off the loan that I took out to have this surgery. I only have another year of that and then it's gone. It just feels like money for nothing.

I dunno if it's me, whether I am just not cut out for the band and I should have had the bypass, or what. I know we had a chat with the surgeon and he asked me all the questions to see which would suit me and there were several in our 'production line' Belgian weightloss surgery package club who were advised to have RNY. But not me. He said it would be fine.

I think I am just born to be a a fattie, but I worry about so much stuff right now that this is one thing I don't think I can look at. I have ruined hair, clothes that don't fit me filling my draws and a 2 week holiday looming down on me which is all inclusive and I have nothing to wear on and no money to change  the situation with.

I am getting to the point where I really really do think that this isn't going to work for me now. I had hoped after unfilling my band for those 4 months would re-open the window of opportunity but it's not doing it the same as before. I just don't know what to do. Should I have another fill so that I am tighter than a ducks bum and only able to 'eat' fluids??

Should I be following some kind of diet?

Everyone higher up (fill nurse, doctors and even Dr. Dillemans) says that you just eat normally. I don't know what normal is. I don't seem to be able to control myself to eat the right things.

Maybe if I had a RNY I would get my act together because of the horrible side effects if I didn't. But maybe I would just find the loop holes again.

I really don't know which way is up. I don't really want placitudes, or hope, or help, I just needed to tell you all that this is the situation right now.

If I had £6k I would be on the way to Belgium I think. The only thing is, I am really scared of RNY surgery because my dad had bowel cancer and the stitches came undone inside him when they put his bowel back together and he nearly died by defecating inside his body cavity (see older posts). Apparently this is common.

Now I know RNY is not the bowel as such, but they do chop a bit and stitch it somewhere else right? What if it came undone?????????? this is what I am worried about. I would also want Dr. Dillemans to do the surgery in Belgium as I think its so much cleaner etc, but it's Belgium and if I had a problem what would happen???

I might go and visit my doctor and ask her. I mean people emigrate all the time so they cant like refuse to treat you right?

Or am I just chasing a dream that is unrealistic. Does it really matter? I have a son and husband who love and adore me and although my legs are starting to mottle with broken starburst veins from my lupus.... I am not going to die too young am I?

From Lupus information sheet: 
Heart disease is more common than expected in patients with lupus and affects up to 10% of patients. Overall it is a factor in 30% of deaths in patients with lupus. Studies suggest that women aged 35-44 years with SLE are 50 times more likely to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) than healthy women of the same age. Risk factors should be addressed eg stopping smoking, losing weight. High blood pressure should be lowered and any other contributory factors (such as the anti-phospholipid antibodies which cause 'sticky blood') treated.

I have systemic lupus and also anti-phospholipid syndrome. I am also 34 years old.

The outlook is pretty darn bleak.

Ok, I am gunna stop now. I don't seem to be able to keep my will strong and pro the cause long enough to make a difference and I don't know how I can change my inner drive so that it will stay the course.

Mind transplant?

Monday, 15 November 2010

weigh in + fill

Ok so the blogging went off course for a week or so there, sorry!

I was good all month and made inroads into fat loss, and then on about the 2nd of Nov Jane emailed me and said "So you up for the 13th for a fill?"

Argh!

I was sure I had told her that I was attending a wedding on the 13th and we were staying over so it would not be possible but i must have forgotten! Drat it! So I couldnt do the 13th at all.

So we sent a few emails back and forth to see if I could rush down there to her in the depths of Devon and get a fill in a Gordano again... but  it kind of didnt fit with anyone's schedule so I just thought lets just leave it and wait until she was in the area again. I hate putting people out.

But... the prospect of waiting another month.  BOO HOOOOO. I was really down about the mouth as driving down to her house to get a fill would have meant that I could have met up with Caroline from over at Lonicera's adventures in Band Land. That would have been ace. We had planned to get piccies taken of us (waist up!) and have a good old chinwag and she so kindly invited me to stay over too which would have made the 6 hour round trip bearable. But it didn't happen.

I had kind of been working all month for that fill and it was keeping me going thinking about it. I didn't have too much trouble sticking to under 2000 cals but it was not a walk in the park if you know what I mean. I would still like to have snacked, and eaten junk, but I just chose not too. I have limited restriction - like just the one Big Mac rather than 2 - that kinda restriction!

So it was with great delight that on Friday I got an email winking at me asking what time we would get back from the wedding on Sunday. Well thankfully we were going to be in and I got fill I needed. A nice big fat whole millilitre. YAY

So I now have 6ml in my bandito. Its early doors, so I don't know if I have any restriction, but its 3pm and I ain't hungry. That's a rare occurrence. I have had 1 cup of coffee and half of another which is now cold, so this is good going. I am about to eat some sloppy porridge as I have to go to work and don't want to faint and I have also had 3 days of some horrible, bathroom dashing, backyard trotting stomach bug. *ewww*

Suffice it to say I am still weighing decidedly less, although I think I gained a kilo or so during the ticked off patch last week where I didn't blog and didn't Livestrong. Thankfully the lord let my bowels wreck havoc to lose it again. this morning I weigh 118.1kg. A new low since my band restart!

So armed with a nice big fill, and a little weight loss, I am ready to rock again.

Note to self - get a grip and stop eating like a moron when things don't go your way.

Sunday, 31 October 2010

Tracking as I go

Still tracking my foods, still doing the do... will write later about my CRIMINALLY INSANE leaflet campaign that makes me think I deserve to wear Underoooooo's

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

same old shizzle - different day

Still here, still chugging - even though I have had a few semi bad days eating wise - but have at least managed to not get anywhere near my "maintainance" calorie limit.

My weightloss calorie limit is 2017 cals per day

My Maintainance cal limit is 3017.

So, I dont want to be getting anywhere near that swine!

I have had a few days in the mid 2000's which is... okayyyyyy..... but I want to lose more, so I have to kick my butt, and not slack here.

Talk about not slacking - I walked 5 miles on Sunday. It felt like 10 though! It was the roughest walk ever. The pathway was all dibbeted with horse hooves and rabbit holes and great clumps of grass. You couldn't enjoy the scenery as you were too busy looking down at the ground so as not to break your ankles! Thankfully after 4 miles (!) the track levelled out and it was pretty flat and dry. Trouble was I was so dead from the 4 miles walking over the devil's scaly back I didnt enjoy those last 1600 paces.

Rough.

I am still absolutely stuffed. My butt aches and so does the back of my knees and shoulders. I just have to put it down to the rough terrain and all those funny muscles moving in a tense wierd way. I never get so achey or killed after such a walk. I am going to stick to roads for the next few walks for sure.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Gin and fags

I was out all morning yesterday until 2pm, and had walked - i dunno - but loads! I then invited my two girlfriends over for an impromptu lunch, and it was great. I made them my classic tomato sauce (tomatoes, fried in a little oil for ages, add basil and garlic, dump on pasta - easy!) and we had a nice time together.

They left at about 3:30 and then I cleaned the WHOLE house top to bottom and started cooking again because it was a welcome meal last night - Al's dad has come to visit him for the weekend. He brought with him some lovely wine and port, and beer and we did our best at getting rid of it.

As I knew it was going to be a bit of a soaked fest, I decided on making it a light-ish meal and went for wraps. I won't embarrass myself and say I made fajitas or Mexican because I just throw it together in my 'version' of a spicy chicken mixture and serve it up with sour cream, home made type of guacamole that's lighter on the hips, and some salsa.

It was the messiest dinner ever as the tortilla's we bought were absolutely shockingly bad - they were dry and snapped open as you rolled them! Total rubbish, so we ended up just eating them with knives and forks haha! I usually get the Old el Paso or the Mission ones, but this time I bought Discovery as they looked fine. I wont get them again thats for sure, they were just so brittle and really thin too.

Nevermind, it still tasted darn good!!

I had my daim bar treats too and came in at only 137cals over my limit for the day

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

20 days on track. A record!

I am pretty sure that this is a record for me - 20 days!
I have had a few days where I have been over my calorie limit, but on average I am making the grade each week. I was really pleased I had a sneek peek yesterday at the scales, and I hope that on Friday they will be kind at last.

I guess the way I am tracking my progress might be very boring/annoying/anal for most, but I am actually enjoying it. The "Today I ate:..." thing is getting a bit pants, but I think its a good idea of the food I ate for a whole month and that's quite a good achievement. I can always go back and copy it if I need to shift some lard in the future. Good for reference if you know what I mean.

It's getting annoying only because I am tracking my foods twice. I do it once on Livestrong and then I put it down again on here. I wish I was able to cut and paste, but it doesn't work like that sadly.

This is what I get for yesterday if I copy and paste:

Food Item Servings Cals Fat Cholest Sodium Carbs Sugars Fiber Protein


Smash Smash Instant Mash 1.75 187 2g 0mg 4mg 36g 1g 2g 6g

Tesco Skimmed UHT Milk 3.00 210 1g 0mg 0mg 30g 30g 0g 20g

Oscar Mayer Hot Dog 1.00 130 12g 35mg 540mg 1g 0g 0g 5g

Tesco Organic Medium Cheddar Cheese 0.30 123 10g 0mg 0mg 0g 0g 0g 8g

Tesco Tomatoes (tin Chopped) 2.00 34 0g 0mg 0mg 6g 6g 2g 2g

Nestle Aero Bubbles 1.00 192 11g 0mg 0mg 21g 20g 0g 2g

Nestle Kitkat Chunky 1.00 260 14g 10mg 45mg 32g 25g 1g 3g

Tesco Plain Flour 0.40 134 1g 0mg 0mg 28g 1g 1g 4g

Dairy Crest Willow Spread 1.00 71 8g 0mg 0mg 0g 0g 0g 0g

Tesco Courgette 1.00 18 0g 0mg 0mg 2g 0g 0g 2g

Onions 1.00 64 0g 0mg 6mg 15g 7g 3g 2g

Yellow Bell Pepper 1.00 20 0g 0mg 0mg 7g 4g 2g 1g

egg 1.00 70 5g 215mg 65mg 1g 0g 0g 6g

Hellmann's Mayonnaise 3.00 270 30g 15mg 270mg 0g 0g 0g 0g

Totals: 1,783 93g 275mg 930mg 179g 94g 11g 60g

Which is pretty useless.
I guess I could edit it a bit... I might give it a go. Trouble is it doesn't split it into meals, but I guess if I am doing it day on day, I can remember to wort that out.
 
anyway, off to work now. had my lunch:
 

A yummy 2 egg cheese omlette with big salad and mayonnaise. that will keep me full until I get in and help myself to some lentil curry I have prepared in advance. Mmmm.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

yesterday

Yesterday i had a bit of a crisis. I hadnt had much to eat all day, so that might have been the reason, but who knows. Maybe it was the comedown from the weekends happiness... dunno

I felt horrible in the evening. I wanted to have some pleasure.

I had 3 kitkat chunkys. All in a row. they were yummy as I was eating them, then afterwards I felt horrid. I logged it all in the livestrong plate, and I knew I could have them, so at least I was in control, but I still felt bad.

If I have a controlled blowout though, it limits the damage so its better. I had only had 2 banana's and some salad and chips for my meals, so no damage done. I also chose to eat just 3, rather than blow out over the top of my calories.

So its the control that makes that little butterfly above move down the scale, which it did this morning. It was all I needed to give me a boost and keep on track. I knew that sticking to the plan would eventually bring rewards, its just not possible to eat less and gain weight. So I look forward to it moving some more and me keeping it together.

Monday, 18 October 2010

I'm a good girl

So, bet you're all dying to hear if I stayed on track yesterday at the anniversary do?

Ok, I know you're not, but I am going to tell you anyway.

I dun good!

I had porridge for breakfast
I had a scone with cream and jam for lunch and a glass of champagne
For dinner we went to an Italian, and I had olives for my starter whilst everyone else had garlic bread with cheese, a chicken caesar salad  for dinner (low of dressing thank goodness and I gave the chicken to DH) and I had the smallest bit of mum and dads cake for desert - it was the same size as 2 of my fingers. On the way home I had a packet of crisps and a bottle of yazoo milkshake.

I consumed 2100 cals! YAYAY

Today I feel really sick for some reason. I dunno why. I have had 2 bananas today so far and I think I will make a lentil curry for myself tonight after work. Mmmm 

Saturday, 16 October 2010

hairdressers

A commiseratory card from Caroline - thanks babe!

There should be some kind of Quality Control on people who can so swiftly shag your hair up.

If there is some kind of control, then people should know about it.

Like the 5 star hygiene certificate that restaraunts, butchers, bakers etc have to display. I promptly stopped getting take away from the curry house with 2 stars!!! It should be an incentive to up their game and sort out their cleanliness.

Hairdressing salons should have something like that too.

My hair is royally dead.

I cannot quite take it in. Thank goodness it grows fast that's all I can say.

About 3 weeks ago, tired of plain black boring straight hair I decided to get a perm. I used to LOVE perms as a kid and my last perm was when I was about 21. It looks great on me and I love the way you get several different ways to play with your hair as it seems to hold a style better, do more wicked up-do's etc. I love playing with my hair.

So, my hair was washed, rolled up and the perm solution drizzled on. This was a new idea to me, because when my mum did it on my long hair (a hairdresser too) I had dry hair, and she wet every strand with perm lotion as she rollered it up. Oh well, thinks I, must be the new way to do it. It has been about 15 years or so after all.

Then after a massive amount of time I had the stuff washed out and then half a bottle of neutraliser was drizzled on to each roll. Hmmm. Again, a new idea because when my mum did it, she had a bowl of the stuff and it was liberally plastered all over the rollers... so much so that my hair was saturated and it was dripping down my head in my eyes, down my back... I was wringing with the stuff.

Well...The jollop must just be stronger these days, thinks I, because i was dry as a bone.

So after the 'dry' perming bit...my hair was washed out, the rollers taken out, and to my shock horror, I had semi wavy, frizzy, part ringletty, part straight, elastic bandy hair. Hmmm. Not good.

The way I remember a perm was summed up in one word - wet. This was an immensely dry experience. I guess you could say after this 'new' kind of perm, that the old way was best.

The new way of perming seemed to throw in some extra added bonus items - like I also got gold highlights where the black is completely removed, and patches of brown where the black dye has washed out.

So anyway, before the woman can ruin it further by scrunching it to death and frizzing it beyond all control I say I must go and leave swiftly to get home and have a good look at it. I wash it once again and carefully comb it to find that the front is actually straighter now than it was before I had a perm and is stretchy. You can stretch out a big strand of hair about an inch at least.
the underneath is pretty ringletty, but the top is lank, and the ends - where the endpaper has been - are dead straight. It doesnt take a genius longto work out that perm lotion never even got to that bit of hair. For one thing, that part of the hair - the 1 and a half inches where the papers were - is still jet black.

The morning after this disaster I looked like this

Ok, the beard is a little excessive, theres just a few whiskers on my chin, but yes, this was me.

I decided after letting the perm settle (and wearing it UP for 3 weeks) that I needed to get it dyed again and cut evenly - if only to get rid of the straight ends. Its my mum and dads anniversary tomorrow so I went and got it done today, nice and fresh.

Now, the cut is fine. But then it was simple - cut and inch off. The dye job however...hmm

Well first of all she didn't have black, she had run out. She suggested the darkest brown. I asked her if this would cover evenly seeing as I still had a significant amount of black in there amongst the brown patches and she said yes.
Maybe I am a dumb ass, or maybe she really was telling the truth, but this did not work out. The darkest brown she put on my hair dyed all my hair brown and toned the black in a bit, but left my roots ginger.

GINGER

How the hell is this possible man? My pure virgin hair - unpermed, undyed natural roots (about 1cm - it grows like the clappers I told you) turned orange. As my glasses are off, I don't really notice how bad it is, but she assures me that its just not taken and she will put some permanent ink on it (!!!) and when I get in then just rub it off with kitchen towel. apparently it might also be best to wash my hair before bed as it could get on the pillow. Great. She then goes about performing the root miracle with her equivalent of a hairdressers Sharpie.

Then, I endure the scrunching saga, and the diffuser blow drying which makes the whole hair do look like a diabolical afro crime.

I put my glasses on and took a breath. I paid her £30 for the effort, and hurried away as quick as I could straight into the shop next door and bought a Black hair dye for £4.99 and legged it home quick with my, straight out of a 'hammer house of horrors', afro slash caveman slash hedge witch super cut.

Sweet mercy.

I spent £45 on the perm and £30 getting it dyed back to black only to end up with a multicolour bale of hay on my head. God, why can I not complain??? I just can't do it.

So, I am now jet black thanks to Charlotte's help with the back of my bonce. Its going to take some baby oil and nurturing to get some life back in it, a couple of months to get it the same length and about a year to get rid of the hellish perm nightmare, but you have to look positive right?

There needs to be some kind of Body for hairdressers. Schools have Ofsted, Telecoms have Oftel... but I think Ofhair might give the wrong message. I definitely have OFF HAIR!

 My leg hairs are curlier than this.

Not a total disaster

Last night we went out for dinner - Chinese.

Thankfully it was not the "all you can eat buffet" - they don't do that on a Friday, much to DH & DS's dismay. I love it too, but not when I am trying to lose weight. It's too tempting as I like too many things and you can order at will.

So it was 'a la carte' last night and we ordered the mixed hors d'oeuvres which consisted of
  1. chicken satay
  2. spare ribs in a crispy coating
  3. sesame prawn toast
  4. crispy seaweed
  5. wantons
  6. mini spring roll
Now, eating out is a fun thing to do for everyone and even though I am banded I want to be able to do this still- I don't have to worry too much with the band at the moment as its normally ok for me to eat a pretty much anything I like as its not that tight. There is some restriction there, but for me the band just stops me feeling hungry even though I am consuming less food - which is great and the adjustment level is just what I can handle right now.

So out of the above - which unbanded/unfilled/uncaring I would eat 1 piece of everything - I ate half the seaweed, 1 spring roll, 4 pieces of prawn toast (cos no one else likes it). The boys polished off everything else.

We followed this with aromatic crispy duck in pancakes with hoisin sauce. I had 3 pancakes - light on duck, heavy on cucumber and spring onion.

I had 2 glasses of red wine (which tasted like vinegar) and a pot of jasmine tea.

I find that Chinese is the best food for me to eat out as I can have some Chinese tea first before eating which helps warm the band up before hand and stops those mad dashes to the loos - although that has still happened on many an occasion.

Its always a bit odd to order coffee or tea with your meal for some reason in England. Why is that? Does anyone else find that its just not the done thing? At home as a kid we always had tea with our dinner, but it seems its a bit odd to order this with your meal at a restaurant unless its an all day breakfast. The last thing I want to do after dinner is drink coffee or tea on an already full tummy. I would much rather have it before - hence I have never found the 'drink before meals' banded routine difficult. Sorry got a bit off the point. Its just it only just struck me. No one would mind if you ordered tea - its just no one does. How funny. Oh well.

So yeah, the dinner - we finished our duck and finished our meal there. We were all absolutely full. At the buffet we would then have ordered the following for sure: 
  • crispy shredded beef
  • chicken fried rice
  • sweet and sour chicken Cantonese style
  • beef in black bean sauce
  • king prawns in ginger
  • and possibly something else that DS wanted

The prawns in ginger... always a funny one. I had this dish years ago and it was DELICIOUS. I have never ever been able to find it the same again since. It is always a bitter disappointment - chewy stringy overcooked prawns in nice sauce, or delicious well cooked prawns in a rank sauce which ruins it all, or the sauce is yum, the prawns are cooked well, but they taste too fishy or something like that. *sigh*

No one else likes prawns except me, so whenever I order it, the whole dish would go to waste if I didn't eat it - however minging it is! Because I feel bad about leaving food I have ordered - which I know will just be thrown away if I leave it, and so as not to appear rude like it was horrible - cos they always ask 'you don't like the prawns' - I try and eat most of it anyway, and then regret it because I haven't eaten my favorite dishes cos I am way too full.

Oh the conundrum!!

It is deeply tragic that i care so much about this, but there we go. We're not banded for nothing!

Anyway, we didn't order any of these things, because we were full and satisfied so I was saved from the peril of the neverending prawns in ginger debacle.

So we all came home and were happy in our hearts. Or not.

The evil scale demon lashed its tongue at me as I sat watching Shortland Street. I was happily engrossed when it caught my eye - sitting there on the floor giving me evils. It's such a swine. Being overweight really is a true eating disorder. Its as bad as being anorexic or bulimic - we are all messed in the head about food and abuse it at will and let it rule our lives until we decide enough is enough. But even when we decide to stop the craziness, the mental anguish/debating/wrangling still pervades. There was NO REASON for me to do what I did next. I was full. satisfied. not even THINKING about food.

The scale triggered my eating. It grabbed my mind like a vice. I suddenly felt rubbish about not losing weight this week - even though I had totally put it to bed in my mind way back at the beginning of the day. The mind is so powerful and I instantly thought "well I ruined it all anyway because of the Chinese"

Now let this be a lesson to you ALL.

I had NOT ruined it all.

I got up at 6am this morning to write to my future self - and to you all - to warn me/you - if I had not eaten another thing - gone to bed, right then - I would have been fine.

I had consumed 2395 calories yesterday - that included the Chinese and the wine and my lunch and everything. I was only 350 calories over my limit. This was FINE.

But the freaking diet devil  (Or FDD for short!) deceived me into believing that I had bust everything anyway, so why hold back. What was the point? You feel rubbish. Comfort yourself. You poor thing.

Ok - the title of this post is absolutely true. It could of been A LOT worse but only wasn't for the sheer lack of food in the house and the time of day - 12pm = little 'house of chocolate and crisps' shop is shut.

Feeling like crud for eating out, thinking the day was irredeemable - I get DH to make me a coleslaw sandwich. And after I had polished that off - ANOTHER one!

So 2395 calories becomes 3000. In 15 minutes.

1000 calories over my goal.

It was so quick, so easy!

But, the reason I am writing this at 7:45 in the morning (I started it at 6:30) is because I didn't want today to be messed up by the FDD. The FDD also didn't want me to add my foods up with livestrong, but I came down here - the whole house is still asleep - and carefully remembered every morsel and put it on livestrong.

The reason my day went to to heck was because I had no idea how many calories I had consumed at the Chinese Restaurant. When we came home I did not go and record it down on Livestrong. I was not in control.

Its the not knowing. Thinking you have gone over the top and you might as well give up today. Well I am going to try and remember this and know that a Chinese meal out does not tip me over the top of my calorie goals. If I had not had the wine, I would have still been under for the day!

So I need to especially remember this on Sunday after the Italian. I must go careful, but its not going to be a crisis.

I must not let the FDD win!

This was a necessary vent. I am still strong. Don't worry :-) 3000 calories is not the end of the world. I need to eat 3000 calories a day to maintain my weight, so I will just have slowed my progress a little, but I can rationalise it out. For some of you it might seem that I am over analyzing things, but I must tell you that I need to do this, have the control, or I lose my fight. Its how I do things when I am on track.

Friday, 15 October 2010

How is it possible?

If you eat less calories than you expend you will lose weight.

Fact

I have gone up 0.5kg

Perplexed is not the word.

Now then, before you assume that maybe I thought I was eating under my calorie/expenditure level but I wasn't - sorry that is not true. Nor am I in some kind of starvation mode (which I don't believe can happen anyway) as I am not following a diet that is very low in calories.

So how, kind people, is it possible for me to eat less than 2000 calories per day for a whole week (actually slightly less in total than last week) and PUT ON WEIGHT???????????

To maintain my weight I must eat 21,200 cals per week
To lose 2 pounds a week I must eat 14,200 cals a week.
I actually ate 11,800 - an average of 1680 per day

Obviously to gain weight I would have to have more than DOUBLED my intake of food. Can you see why I KNOW that my gaining of 0.5kg is ridiculous.

I and not actually cross about gaining - I am miffed, flummoxed, perplexed, flabbergasted and stunned but not cross - because basically I know I MUST have lost weight, you know what I mean? It just doesn't add up that I haven't! I find this absolutely fascinating - I want to know what on earth is going on in here!!

I cannot begin to tell you how dedicated I have been to this cause - every single bit of food that has passed my lips I have recorded. I have fastidiously weighed and measured, checked packets, chosen things on purpose and been super careful to a fault for the whole fortnight. How can I lose 2.8kg last week and gain 0.5kg this week doing exactly the same thing?

Well you can't. You cannot put on weight by eating less. Its not possible. It goes against everything we know about diet and the physics of weightloss. If it were possible, then the opposite would be true and we would all have to eat 5000cals a day to lose weight.

I just MUST have lost weight, but the scale is wrong... or something else?

Funnily enough I have a slight thought it might be something to do with having the mumps. I was one of the lucky 5% of women who, when they have mumps, also get swollen ovaries. Now, this is no joke I can assure you.

33% of men who get the mumps get swollen testes and 5% of women get swollen ovaries and breast tissue

You can see who complain the most as we only ever hear about the blokes getting hot balls!!!

So yeah, I had swollen and very painful ovaries - like period pain on steroids direct from the devil - and one tit swelled up to near double its size. Now I am already a big girl in that department so this was totally rivaling Jordan. It was soooooo painful though.

After all my swellings had gone down - face, tit and ovaries - Things returned to normal. However I should have had a period about the time I got the mumps, but I didn't. My period came last Monday 4th October - 9 days late. It was normal in everything but length - 2 days.

I am regular like clockwork - if I am 1 day late, I am pregnant for sure. Also I got pregnant so darn easy we used to joke that we just had to share the same toothbrush and I was done! My only trouble was holding onto the slippery little blighters. So after losing 6 babies, being diagnosed with Lupus and antiphospholipid syndrome, I was told I could not have children. Ooops - cos I was pregnant. Mass backpedaling by my consultant and 7 months of horrible treatments, hospital stays and coma/pneumonia episodes, DS came into the world through the sun roof exit! Then I was sterilised.

So, sterilised - I have had a textbook period every 28 days, lasting 5 days and each month I know exactly which ovary is firing cos I feel the ache in that side.

To be 9 days late, and have a 2 day period is for me a deeply disturbing occurrence. I have booked holidays and even parties around my period before!!!! Even though the doc said it might disturb my cycle - I got a fleeting panic that my clips had failed and I was indeed with child. Its just too unusual for me to be irregular.

Right now, I have what I can only describe as period pain - 21 days after my last period was due, and 12 days after the weird one. Both ovaries ache though.

So, is this my body shafting me over or have I really gained 0.5kg??

On Wednesday evening DH said to have a sneaky try on the scales, I jumped on, fully dressed and loaded with the days food and drinks and I weighed 118.7kg. This would have been a loss of 0.5kg and I always weigh my heaviest in the evening!! I was looking forward to a nice result. WTF? Thursday morning, I hop on and get 119.3 - I shrug it off and carry on my day. So it was a great surprise to have 119.7 staring at me this morning. Not a nice one.

I have decided that there cannot possibly be any way on this earth that I have REALLY put on weight. Its simply not possible and must be something to with something else.

Onwards and upwards.

Just a weird thing... this is absolutely no lie... I just rang DH and told him, and he said last night as I drifted off to sleep I said "I hope I have lose weight this week" and he said he was sure I had and then I said "I am paranoid that I haven't as I feel fatter". I don't remember this. I also had a fleeting urge when I got up this morning to instantly drink 2 pints of water so that I couldn't weigh myself (I always weigh empty stomach) so maybe my body knows something I don't.

Keep on keeping on I guess. I am going to weigh in daily for a while and see what is going on.

14th 119.3
15th 119.7

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Work over for the week!

Thank heavens! I hate work - might have mentioned that before!! LOL

Anyway, its over until Monday.

Between then and now I have loads of stuff to do. Its my Mum and Dad's 40th wedding anniversary on Sunday and my brother is being a pain in the butt. Nevermind, I couldn't be bothered with his procrastinating rubbish any more and booked a champagne cream tea at the Brighton Pavillion. Then I booked an Italian restaurant around the corner and ordered a cake to be made. Sorted. Its like Wednesday for goodness sake! We need to get a move on! Then I rang him up and told him what we are doing and thats that. I could see us not even getting together at this rate.

Anyway, all he has to do is pick them up, and get them to the ball on time!! We are going to be installed at the pavillion tea rooms before hand - and deliver the cake to the restaurant ahead of our arrival - and then it will be a nice surprise. Mum thinks we are at a ballroom dancing competition with DS!! haha

So I am really looking forward to that. I might have to fogo the diet for one day, but I might just try and keep to plan a little bit. I am not envisaging it being that hard - I know how many cals are in a scone and cream at the end of the day and if I stay away from lasagna or heavy creamy dishes, all should be great. Salad!!!!!! oh yes.

Right, I am off to have my dinner - Nasi Goreng followed by a crunchie and a daim bar!!!! I am still 600 cals under my allowance for the day! GO ME!

Loving it

I am loving things right now.

Long may it remain so!

It was so nice to sit down tonight with a pizza, salad and coleslaw and have a cadbury's crunchie on the side waiting for me, watch telly and eat it allllllllll up - and NOT FEEL GUILTY!

I am not hungry at breakfast time. I am just thirsty. I don't get hungry until about 2-3pm. So what? What does it matter really? I don't think I should eat just because the clock says so,so I am not going to bother. So today I got a sandwich and took it to work with me - egg mayo and cress - my fave! I grabbed a water to drink too rather than a high cal soft drink like yesterday.

Today is my late one, I don't get back from work until 10pm. DH takes DS to roller hockey while I am at work, and they usually get fish and chips on the way home for everyone as they are both starving and Tuesday's are really pants for me - I never get it together quick enough to make a meal for them to cook when they get in, so its just easier all round to get take away.

But for me... this is never part of my dinner. Re heated takeaway fish and chips is just rank, so they always leave me out. I used to order a curry when I got home... but not any more! Tonight I stopped by the Co-Op on the way back from work, and picked up a little individual cheese and tomato pizza, salad, coleslaw and a crunchie. The pizza is teeny, but I just love them as they remind me of when I was a kid. they are only about 4 inches across, but they are yummy and fill a bandit's tummy. Pile the salad high and it looks like a feast:


Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

So still fighting the fight, and doing the do.
Total cals today 1515! WOW!

Monday, 11 October 2010

Back to work

I am now totally back to work since my Mumps hell. I did 2 lessons last week because they have examinations very soon and also they have whingeing Mothers and it was just easier to do them than ring up and say I couldn't. I hate pupils parents. They either don't give a rats, or they give 34 rats! There is never a happy medium.

Anyway, work was ok, but I was annoyed for most of the morning thinking about going back. I hate work so much its unreal. Well I don't so much as hate working, but just hate what I do. I would happily sit in our shop, or do something else, but I just hate teaching. I loathe it. There are a couple of lessons I really enjoy doing, but other than that, its pants. I keep trying to reason it out but I never can. Maybe its because I have only just finished dinner at cleaned up and put the NEW dishwasher on and its 11pm. That sucks so much. I have already been up and cleaned the house from 8am, then doing Shop accounts until 12, then helping DS with French, English, Geography and History homework, then cooking dinner and at 4pm when I am ready to have a sit down and a coffee I have to then get my hair washed, dress up all smart and go out to work for 5 hours. I get home at 9, serve the dinner to all 5 of us (I already rang at 8pm and told DS to put the oven on as the lasagna was sitting in there since 4 waiting to be cooked), then clear the table and put the new dishwasher together, tidy the downstairs - AGAIN - clean up the kitchen and sweep and mop the floors - AGAIN - and now I am on here. My evening starts at 11pm and my husband is already asleep on the sofa.

For heavens sake. Who invented womens lib man - cos it SUCKS! Give me domesticity and stay at home FREEDOM any day fo the darn week. I would love to be a poor sad kept woman. I cant think of anything better!

If I was at home full time I know things would be better. for the 4 days I am here all day things run really smooth. When I go to work I leave a spotless house, everything in its place and I come back to a heap.

*BIG SIGH*

oh well, nothing has changed over the last 15 year when I have moaned about it, and I am sure it wont change if I continue, but I just wanted to get that load of crap out of me.

So, today had the prospect of being a junk food day cos I feel annoyed and fed up and put upon, but I saved it. I skipped lunch at lunch time as I wasn't hungry and I had to get DH's taxes down on excel too. So when I went to work, I thought I would get a sandwich from the little shop, but they were out. I grabbed a Sausage roll and a lucozade - mainly because of lack of funds. DH had lovingly deleted my £5 from my wallet for parking without telling me, and they don't take cards in the shop under £10, and the cash machine charges you £1.75 for the privilege of getting your own money. So with £1.90 in my purse, I was a little low on meal options.

However, I hadn't had anything else, so drove to my first pupil munching away. I stopped halfway through because I had had enough, and I was at the house - well lucky I did cos there was 500 cals in that bad boy!!!!! I just hadn't thought. So i threw the rest away. They taste like pants anyway, so I would rather spend my precious calories on stuff I like than chew the rest of that cardboard pastry and grizzleage. The lucozade was 140 which was also hideous, but I was so thirsty i drank it.

So I was semi saved. The lasagna was made 'skinny' but it was still pretty high, however as I was serving up (the lasagna made 6 portions) I just knew I could not eat a whole portion so I just had half of mine which obviously also halved the calories for the dinner from 900 to 450. I had a roll and butter with it too, but today's total cals (including the daim bar I am about to devour) was a respectable 1367!

Here's the lasagna I made :

And here's my little portion:

I am so glad I can eat salad, as I really really love it. I am surprised that after my Mumps infection, I haven't had the craving for some foods like dressing or sharp things. I also have really gone off red wine. Big style!! I had 2 glasses at our mates house on Saturday night, and I was a bit disappointed. I had actually wanted to heave thinking about wine while I was sick, and even now I kind of feel a bit ill thinking about it. How random is that! I loved red wine! Oh well, its not going to do me any harm. thankfully Salad has been one thing I have really really wanted to eat over the last few days, and we have had it with every meal which was nice.

Anyway, I am off to watch telly and throw the occasional pillow or rock at my husband when he disturbs my viewing pleasure with his snoring.



Feeling good

I am so happy that I have managed to be on track for 10 days straight. I just hope I have the determination to see it through week by week. My first weeks fabulous feeling has kind of drifted now and I am thinking all those negatives like "oh it was a fluke" "the scales were wrong" "this week will be really pants cos you lost so much last week" or other such drivell that I dont want my mind to be saying to be, so I am trying to keep the faith and just stick to my goal of under 2031cals per day.

Happy Monday! *groan* work. Ugh.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Chocolate is one of your Five a Day!

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

oooh cheeky post

This is a quick post to just mention the fact that I am having serious guilt issues over my food.

I need some reassurance people!!

If I scrupulously add my calories, and I stay under the 2031 daily allowance this is OK right?

What I mean is... if I ate 2031 calories worth of Lettuce, its the same basic thing as 2031 calories of chocolate right?

It's still 2031 and therefore I expend more energy than I consume so I will still lose weight yeah?

Wow, I cant even believe I am asking this dumb question... but I just feel so GUILTY at eating some chocolate every day, even though I am way under my limit.

I mean, I lost 2.8kg this week but I still dont trust this basic maths... or believe it could possibly be this easy...

2000 cals of fish
2000 cals of plums
2000 cals of lard
2000 cals of pickled eggs
2000 cals of peanuts
2000 cals of celery

...they would all be in varying quantities - weight for weight they would differ... but they would all be 2000 cals!

2000cals of celery would be about a truck load but 2000cals of my favorite LaoGanMa Chilli paste would be only 280g whereas 2000cals of cod would be 2kg...

They would all be better or worse for you,
and better or worse in nutritional value,
and better or worse at filling you up and keeping you that way...

BUT they would still be 2000cals right?

Ok, I have satisfied myself that its all ok.

I am goign back to bed now.

:-)

Friday, 8 October 2010

2.8kg off! Yes!

I am so pleased with my weightloss this week. 2.8kg which is just over 6lbs. I havent had a loss like that for a very very long time. I am not normally one to lose big amounts and I can remember the times I have pretty well.

One of them was when I came back from France one year - actually it was the first year I started the Weightloss Expedition, way before banding - and I had put on 12 pounds in just 2 little weeks. I lost 6 pounds the week after that holiday, but it was then a big struggle for me, as I could not get past the fact that I had undone all the hard work I had done in the 3 or so months before that holiday. You can read about it here: 1st time I lost 6 lbs

The second and third times I lost big were in the 2 weeks immediately after having my band. I lost 8.5 pounds the first week #2 biggest loss and 5.5lbs the next #3 big loss just 12 days after banding it was an amazing amount in that first 2 weeks after having the operation.

Then the last of the biggies was 9 pounds after I had my re-do surgery #4 1 week after repair

So my friends... the last time I actually lost a big amount of weight under my own steam was back before I had the band - and I remember really really trying to lose that weight. This weeks, with little Albert in there, we have managed 6 pounds all our own!

Anyway, getting away from the pounds thing, as I really want to use Kg now, it means that I lost nearly 3kg in my first week. I am aware that this trend will not continue, but it was very satisfying indeed! Especially when it really didn't take too much effort - simply tracking what I was eating, staying away from junk until the end of the day and having some if I had calories to spare. Well that works for me!

My calorie intake allowance has dropped to 2031 calories per day now because I weigh less!!! haha! but I never ate that amount all week, so we are still on safe ground.

I think putting the fill off until such point that I am struggling to eat less is a great idea. I have only 5.5mls in my band right now, which is pretty low to be honest, and I guess will get harder to manage on as the weight comes off. So, I booked a fill for 6th November - by then I should be significantly lighter and probably ready for 0.5ml in little Albert. He's my friend at the moment. Long may it continue!!!!

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Wicked and naughty

I feel sick with pleasure. This is so utterly awesome, and I am so glad I have resumed this diary/blog. Again, another great day, sticking to the calorie guide on Livestrong... 2081 cals or under per day is my goal.

Today started a bit oddly. I slept until 1pm and awoke to my son going mental because it was the 8th powercut of the day and his laptop kept running out and the Internet kept obviously dumping on him, so his online French class this morning was rather disrupted. Anyway, I phoned the power supplier and it turns out there was a fault at the sub station and all the surrounding villages were affected. So I am sitting in my car at the bottom of the drive 'talking' to a computer voice as one does these days, when some friends from our local congregation turn up. Now, Its not the kind of usual thing I do, sit in my car one my mobile at the end of the drive, but there is absolutely no signal in our house. Its like a nuclear bunker.

Anyway, the friends have turned up and as I have been infectious for such a long time, it was so nice to see them. They came in for a coffee and left and 2:30pm. As they were leaving the power came back on - awesome - and my mate TB and her hubby arrived. DS then begs me to give him something to eat and I got the curry I made last night out of the fridge, boiled him some rice and served him up a pile. There was a little bit left - not much - but I put it by and decided the have it for my lunch. By the time TB and I had finished yakking, it was about 4pm. So it was then that I weighed my curry and SURPRISE it was half a portion of what I had made last night. So it was half the calories, and as I had finished all my rice up giving DS his lunch, there was none for me to eat. So I just ate it up and it came to 300 cals.

At half 4, I started to make dinner and my freezer is so full its hard to see whats inside, but I found a long pork loin in there, and I had a cabbage in the fridge, so I peeled some tatties, chopped em small and boiled them up. I then coated them in fry light spray, rosemary from the garden and some garlic salt and roasted those babies. I put the loin in some paper, drizzled a spoon of honey on it and some wholegrain mustard, wrapped it up in the paper and oven roasted that too. It was delicious. Worked out all the calories, 100g potato, a great pile of red cabbage and 1oz pork and it came to 400 cals!!!!!!

I always allow for 600mls of skimmed milk per day as I hate measuring milk for some reason, and the family doesn't get through a litre a day, so I reckon its about right (probably over estimate to be honest) and my calories were 1100 UNDER my target. Now, I could have been really good, but I decided that I was going to treat myself and this is why I am sooooooo happy right now. I have no problems doing this thing if I can have my treats. Being TOTM too is just a chocolate craving nightmare as you ladies all know, so I got DH to pick me up some apple juice and some Minstrels. Minstrels are chocolate in a crispy shell and they are yummy. Now I didn't get the little old bag, no I had a complete FEAST on them. 853calories worth!!!!!!!!!! OMG, this so would have cost me my diet before, but livestrong is cool for me like that. If I didn't have it and use it then I would just think "stuff it, I have blown it" but today is also a day that I am UNDER my calorie goal for the day!! Yaya.

I know its not a good habit to get into, but I am so happy that I was able to eat a DIRTY amount of chocolate, get my 5 veg/fruit a day and be under my limit. I am going to bed this evening a happy happy woman. Wooo hooooo!

Oh, and tomorrow is... weigh in day! cooolio!

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Well I never!

What's more fattening?

Jacket Potato, beans and cheese...

or

2 large cheese and ham filled pancakes with peas...?


Well !!!!! It is actually the Pancakes, but only by 100cals!!!!!!!! I was absolutely amazed at this as I thought this was going to be a heavy HEAVY calorie loaded dinner, so I didn't even have my PM snack because I thought I was going to go overboard a little with tonight's tea.

295g potato (which is reasonably big)
200g baked beans (i.e. half a can)
30g cheddar cheese (poxy amount)
10g margarine (also poxy)

Total cals 519

Pancakes: (harder to work out cos it made 8 of them equally divided)
2 pancakes cooked with frylight spray =
0.5 of an egg
47.5g flour
100mls skimmed milk
60g mature cheddar cheese
50g of chopped ham
100g peas.
8 sprays of frylight (yeah, lets be completely anal!! Love it!)

Total cals 618

Oooh so thrilled am I

Its given me a real buzz because I really thought that pancakes filled with yummy were off the menu. This means that my cannelloni will be defo back on the menu for the weightloss phase! The cheese was actually the highest calorie item in them, so if they were filled with low fat ricotta & spinach for example and smothered with a salsa... Ooooh the possibilities are endless.

That's even better is that this has been my weeks lowest caloried dinner. Even yesterdays chilli was knocking around the 800cals mark!

If i analyse it a little more, it means that if you have 2 pancakes for breakfast - its less calories than porridge!! hurrah!


Here are the tasty beauties which i added a dollop or two of wholegrain mustard to. Mmmmm

So guess what I had for lunch then..? LOL yeah a jacket with beans. Nevermind, it means I get to have my favorite snack of choice this evening while watching the Inbetweeners - DAIM BAR. I love them. they are so yummy and so low in calories too which is the main thing. Its just awesome being able to enjoy myself in such a wicked fashion and know I will lose weight!

Although I haven't been aiming to keep my protein up, I do seem to be having a fairly protein rich diet, without trying, which is great. I have never felt, at any time that my nails weren't growing or my hair was falling out so this must be why.

Here's my chart
1st Oct - 95g
2nd Oct - 109g
3rd Oct - 69g
4th Oct - 72g
5th Oct - 86g.

So this is great I think

Its TOTM at the mo, so I think I timed this re-start at exactly the right time. I think being honest it would have been more of a trial had I resumed the fight and then had a week's weigh in where I went up a kilo or two because of the curse. It ticks me off so bad hen that happens. I need all the willpower I can get at the moment so that I see those first few kilos start to come off and feel like I am starting to get somewhere.

I know that I will struggle on Friday when I weigh in because its always the same when I start something. Its like the goal is Friday, not the goal is next year! LOL. Something in my brain thinks that the race is over on the weigh in day and it can sit back and relax, so I need to get myself over that - I think that will be the first problem I encounter.

So my friends, take care and see you tomorrow

Monday, 4 October 2010

"Mum, I can't find any socks so I am just wearing the one. Love you Byeeeee!" SLAM

Kids.

You have to love them for their cavalier attitude. My son has a loathing of clothes full stop. Even since starting http://www.interhigh.co.uk/ his new cyber school, he still sits at his laptop, dogs by his side - in his birthday suit. I was assured when he was younger that he would soon grow out of it, and be 'normal' but I must rapidly mention that he is nearly 12! He has absolutely no shame. Today's flying quip was announced just after a friend called for him and he must have decided that he'd better get dressed. He just simply doesn't give a rats. I admire him really. But one sock??? Why bother?!

The door slammed before I had even had a chance to rectify the situation.

On a less worrisome note, finally the "do your homework right after the lesson" advice has started to sink in as he sat doing 8 assignments yesterday afternoon. Mwahh haaa haaa. Its nice to be able to say I told you so!!!! Today he logged off from his maths lesson at midday and said "yeah, kinda hungry but I am just going to do these exercises thanks mum, so I don't have it all at the weekend" YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The dawning of responsibility! WHOOP! He really hated sitting there for 6 hours yesterday afternoon doing all that. about 8 mates called for him and he had to keep turning them away. Hopefully this will last.

Today has been pretty good. Sorted out the jewellery shop accounts and other random money based annoyances. I cant believe its time for another VAT return to be produced, but this time I am not so excited. Last time we got nearly £3k back!!!! sweet. This time we owe them about £900. Not nearly so tasty so I will be waiting on that one!

Food today has been good, even thought I got up early and therefore had 3 full meals - breakfast is a nice one to skip, even though I read the other day somewhere that 78% of people who successfully lose weight report having it religiously. I am going with skipping for now, but I think that's generally a band thing as most banded people I know/read about cant 'eat' anything until the afternoon. I just don't feel particularly like eating to be honest.

The band fill I was considering, I have not pursued further. I have accounted for it like I said and put the money aside, but I am not sure I actually need a fill. I seem to be successfully sticking to my plan with hardly any will power necessary at the moment. I occasionally feel a bit stuck and have to wait a moment, so its obviously not really loose. If I can consistently and comfortably eat below my daily calorie limit, then I think a fill is not needed. But, that said, I am eating within 2-300 cals of this limit which I know is a lot when I look back over my food diarys of old. It is also real food though, which I like. Oh i dunno, but I think when I get to the point that Livestrong tells me I need, for example, 1600 cals a day to lose 1kg a week, and I am struggling to keep it under that amount, then that's when I might need a squeeze in.

I must admit, like Dee, I think the sweet spot is like a unicorn. I have never felt one and I am not entirely sure how the whole fill thing works, but I think for me it just stops me feeling hunger and makes me eat really slow to the point that I cant be bothered to, or to desperation that I just want shite for dinner. So I want to get to that place where I can eat nicely, but lose weight. I know that its working right now, so if it ain't broke, then I don't need to fix it. £125 is not something to rush into throwing away!

So you can check out my foods for the day on "today I ate" up in the right hand corner if you really want to be bored to death, but if you cant, then this was dinner:


And it was delicious!
Here's the recipe: Serves 5
2 cans tinned tomato's pureed
2 cans of kidney beans
450g minced beef
2 onions
2 green peppers
Loads of cumin (jeera) powder
pepper/chilli as per preference
2 cloves of minced garlic

Boil the mince in a pint of water for about 20 mins and then strain off all the lard water
Then add the onion, peppers and another pint of water and cook until water is gone, but not bone dry. Add the pureed tomatoes and kidney beans and reduce the liquid a bit. Add the cumin and chilli and garlic then serve with rice. YUM

Bye for now!

Sunday, 3 October 2010

well... day 3 is nearing a close and we are all ok...

I am another day closer to being slimmer. YAY.

Today I slept in late. It was very nice curled up in bed with Geoffrey, our Cavelier King Charles. Hes so cute. Tragically if he gets too close he makes me sneeze so its a little bit of a sad story for cuddles. DS makes up for it though - with me and the dog! He loves that dog to death.

Today has been pretty good. I have spent a considerable bit of it online on Livestrong, because keeping track of everything is quite interesting, and also time consuming but I am enjoying it. I have entered all my food for the day on there, and I go into far more detail - every ingredient and suchlike is there so that I know that I really am not going over my allowance and hopefully remain on track. I just list the meals on here and a few recipes, but you can be assured that the calories I put down on the 'Today I ate...' bit are correct.

Housebrick has taken his wife to the airport. Now the fun begins. thankfully he is at work all day and I am determined not get get dragged into his inane chatter about the dog. I will try and just tell him, but the English way kind of has a habit of stopping us being blunt or tactless, but I need to try with this dude or he wont get it.

We must remain at all times regimental on the time of dog walking and the amount of craps the dog has, and amount of pees it does and report daily on those bowel habits. Its simply ridiculous. How someone can be so anal retentive about their dog I dunno. Infact, come to think of it it's a bit like OCD. He is so analytical about stuff - I guess because of his work as a chemist - but boy! Its tought to live with. I have no idea how his wife, who we shall call 'The Saint', manages to cope with him!

Its funny like that sometimes. He just asked me if he should get a blood test to check if he has immunity to Mumps. I told him  - LIKE 5 TIMES - that I am not infectious now. I am finished with it. I also told him that if he caught it off of me before he went on holiday, he would be sick RIGHT NOW. Considering his mum told him he had it, and that he said to me he remembers having pain in the correct area and being really poorly as a kid, you would think that would be the freaking end of it. But this is Housebrick we are talking about.

Anyway - get a test - dont get a test - I care not. I hope it costs loads of money though!! HAHA

It could even be a blessing if he does get a really bad case of it, as the human race will be owing me a serious favour!

Bandwise, I am doing good. I feel a bit hypoglycemic right now cos I havent had my lucious dinner yet, but its gonna be anytime soon! Mmmmmm cant wait. Thinking of that, best go and check on the veg.


C U 2morrow

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Housebrick is back

Dunno if i ever mentioned this but we have a freaky lodger who we shall call Housebrick on here. He has a really wierd long old fashioned German name, but as its so unusual we will stick to his nickname.

He arrived home about 8:30 this evening. He has been on holiday with his wife for the last 2 weeks down at the tiny westernmost tip of England where the Cornish live. It has been blissssss.

He has a dog, called T, and it is more important than his wife. Everything revolves around the dog or his work and it gets very very very very very boring. He is very loud, very dominating, very know it all and I hate that.

Anyway, he is back. He couldn't have picked a better 2 weeks to be away seeing as I was sick for 10 days of it. There would have been no dinner to eat except for takeout and it would have cost me even more money!!! thank heavens for small merices!

Anyway, I am sure he will piss me off in the next day or so. He usually does. I will obviously let ya'll know about it ;-)

Its been another good day today, walked very quickly through a city near here to get some sports gear for DS before the shop shut and burned off 175 cals in the process. Very happy about that. That's what I love about Livestrong. Its really good for logging all your food and exercise and working it out to your personal body weight. Obviously Paris Hilton would burn far less calories than I would marching through the town, so its very clever how it gets that sorted and you don't have to guess!

Anyway, another good day with food, under the calorie limit for the day and off now to watch a bit of telly.

Friday, 1 October 2010

Here I go again.

It's not easy coming back to this blog. It was only when I was about to start a brand spanking new one, that I realized both would show up on my profile. I toyed with the idea of deleting this one, because I didn't really want to have the old baggage with me when I embark again on this new quest to gain a smaller bodyshape. I had the finger on the button as you might say, and then I thought "No". I don't think taking this blog from the public domain, with its record of how I got to this point - good or bad, would be a good thing. There are over 50 people watching it, and for the last 3 months I have had weekly reports from the site meter that people read it - about 60 per day, and most of them stay a while too. I have encountered some horrible things along my journey, and I would have liked to have known of the complications which can arise with this type of surgery - although (lucky me) they are very rare.

But enough of this. That is the whole reason why I wanted to reinvent myself, call myself something different, set up different pics and restart this thing on a new blog. I was going to call it a different name and everything.

I think I should carry on from this blog. At least when I do succeed, people will see how dark it can get, but there still be light at the end of the tunnel.

So... Here I go again.

I was at my heaviest recorded weight. Last Friday (24th September 2010) I went down with the Mumps. I was 19 stone 6lbs  -  272lbs  -  123.5kg

Lets rewind ever so slightly...
I had a fill at the end of July with Jane. I cant remember exactly when, but I had 3 ml put back in - taking me roughly to 6mls again. It was not good. I couldnt drink all sunday and made a dash to Gordano Services near Bristol to get an emergency unfill - very unglamourously - laid down in the seat of my car! So I had a ml out and all was right with the world again. Jane was heavily pregnant bless, and I asked, a little selfishly, when she would return to work after the bub because I just knew 5mls wasnt going to do jack. She suprised me by saying she would only be having a few weeks off but, as she put it, this is her livelihood. I was back to work pretty darn sharpish after having DS for the same reason - from £300 a week to £50.10 on the Self-employed State Maternity benefit didnt really cut the mustard!

So I went through the summer holidays gradually gaining, and not really being too bothered, but then I started thinking about things, seeing myself in the mirror and feeling terrible bla bla. I badly wanted a fill but I knew that Jane probably had only just had the baby, so didn't think it fair to ring her. It was probably for the best considering that I was - unbeknown to me - INFEKSHUSSS!!

So, I was a little forlorn wanting a fill, but not getting one, but with hindsight I am glad it didnt happen. The thought of an overfill plus Mumps would be the worst thing ever. I am not sure if any of you have had the mumps as a kid, but having it as an adult is a whole different ball game. Apparently I would have caught it around 2 weeks before I got hamster cheeks, and I was infectious for about a week before I even knew I had it. On Friday I felt like death - sore throat, achy, sniffles and head-throb from hell - and woke up Saturday morning to be greeted in the mirror by Jabba the Hut.


Its been a week of soreness, swelling and chronic back and tummy ache like the worse period pain in history where the virus travels through my system swelling not just my face, but my ovaries too. With a jaw feeling more than a little random, chewing was an unpleasant experience; swallowing even worse. However, I was really annoyed that I got ill because since booking the 'fill that never was' and prior to the head explosion - I had been thinking to myself:
"You have got to do something about this"
"You should really sort it out"
"You have now outgrown all the clothes you bought because you outgrew the clothes you bought before that!"
"You have to pull yourself together and think about you for a change"
"You feel rubbish and out of breath walking up the stairs... that ain't normal"
"Come on, lets do this"


Then I get sick, and cant cook for myself. I was totally lame. DH is an absolute wash out in the kitchen and its made me realise that if I died, so would they. It is a family joke that DH once asked

"How do you cut Lettuce?"
It was at a time when I was again ill, and he was making dinner. He doesnt find it very amusing and says its gotten so old now, but we think its hilarious. After this week, it actually disturbs me deeply. DH and my Dear Son have lived for the entire week on take away. They have spent £235 on take out dinners and lunches. I have been so ill that I seriously didnt give a toss, until now that I am feelign better and lookign through the receipts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could kill him! I didnt eat a lot of it, but I did have chicken fried rice on several occasions (not a lot of chewing), remember having the sauce from chicken kormas and tikka masalas. Enjoyed a handful of chips with mushy peas and other such delights. Yesterday I was sooooooooo sick of take out (and was feeling much 'better' in the loosest possible sense of the word) that yesterday I had a lettuce for dinner. I just could not hack sitting eating chinese takeaway, even though it looked, and smelt, delicious. I couldnt do it.

Mumps does put you off your food, the sore teeth and the dry mouth probably, but I was hungry even so. Tonight I feel I can cook, I am up and about the house and did a bit of washing and have started resuming normal duties, but WOW. I am goign to have to teach DH to cook. DS can cook well. Homeschooling has seen him help me make a lot of different things and he cooked us a delicious onion soup and a sausage casserole not so long ago. He loves making cakes, cookies and other things and makes himself a boiled or fried egg, and can put together a salad, but DH is clueless. Before I met him he told me that for the 6 months he had been on his own he bought a sandwich from a garage for lunch and for his dinner he ate faggots, or Aunt Bessies deep filled Yorkshire puddings. Day in, Day out. Sheesh. His weekly shopping bill came to £12.00.

So I have to teach him or he will be lost forever. I learned only today that last Sunday TB (short for Travelling Buddy - my best mate who I go everywhere with) pressed a bacon quiche into his hands and he said "No, honestly I have it covered" he said. He made dinner that night - Smash potato with cheese.  This is obviously a serious situation!!

Anyway, DH's lack of cooking ability is tragic, but nothing to do with my return to Blogging. I decided I needed to keep track of foods, and I intend to have that fill in the very near future. A single millilitre will do the trick and take the edge off my hunger I am sure. Keeping track of the food I eat is very difficult though, and I hate a tatty journal smudges with ketchup and cats paws on a daily basis so I write it down on a sheet and then I will type it up on here.

I dont intend to write this blog like I used to, as its very time consuming and laborious, but I am going to write things down that are interesting to me, possibly you and more importantly my battle.

I know that this is not going to be a walk in the park simply because I was to give it another go. But wating to, is the first step. I am also not raking over old wounds ever again. I cant do anything about it, so I have to move on.

From now on, sorry English chums, but I am weighing in in KILOS. I have no idea how they work akin to pounds and stone, and that is why I am doing just that. They are not a measurement I am at all familiar with - if you asked me to guess a kilo of carrots, I would be way off. Thats why I am going to use them because I cant see all the past bench marks. I used to think my bench marks were a good idea... I can real them off for you, just for kicks... here ya go:

Today 19 stone 3lbs (269lbs) 122 kgs - so 1.5kilo's gone from last week!!!!! yay!
Highest weight ever before 19 stone 1lb
Weight at starting this blog 18stone 12.5lbs
Weight at banding 18 stone
Weight at 2nd banding 17 stone 12.5lbs
Lowest weight since banding 15 stone 6lbs
Lowest recorded weight in adult life 15stone 2lbs
Weight when I met DH 13stone
Weight at high school 11 stone 4lbs
Weight when suffering from wierd eating/anxiety disorder 9 stone 8lbs

Can you see why I want to use KILOGRAMS??????????

Check out my lovely new ticker. I have 45 KILOS to lose and that doesn't see very much to me. Positive.
I would love to lose a Kilo a week every week, and that is my goal. I may make it, I may not, but even half a Kilos seems like a lot of weight to lose HALF A KILO!!!
I am so used to stone this makes me feel amazing. If someone told me I had lost half a STONE in a week, I would be throwing a party, so I think KILOS is the way forward.

As you can see I have lost 1.5kg over the week of illness, but I am going to start again from today. Today is the day I decided to get the blog going again, and today is the day that I recorded my food from. 
As ever, I will try and be as honest as possible. I am going to try very hard to keep my food diary up to date (Top right hand corner of this blog) even on crap days so you can all give me tips etc.

So, bunny has been resurrected and I hope this is the real start of something good. Also I know that if I need to, I can have the bypass. However that's kind of a finality I don't want to do right now, so I am going to really give this a go first. At the moment I am determined and positive and off to contact Jane about that well needed fill.

Monday, 5 July 2010

Going pants

Unbelievably so.

oh well right?

I feel exactly the same as when I resume any diet. I don't want to. I know how hard its going to be and I just put it off, and then some.

I just cant face being banded again. I just cant face the puking, then chewing and all the messing around.

The poxy small meals, the looks when you push your food around your plate and then dash for the loo, then cooking for 5 healthy appetites and no sharing with them, even the pain of having a fill - not in my stomach but in my wallet!! £125 is no freaking joke - and that's just for 1 of them.

The pain of failing again. The pain of sharing it all with people and then having hope dashed. The embarrassment that I couldn't make it work and my complete self loathing.

This is not for me

Not now.

This blog has officially ended. I have come full circle and today weigh in at 18 stone 12 pounds.
Its taken nearly 6 years to lose half a sodding pound, so I cant be bothered any more guys.

Thanks to all of your peeps who have followed my journey, you were there during the good and the bad and the very ugly. Most of you are banded too, and as my parting goodbye to you all - may I wish with all my heart that you never have to endure anything that I have encountered.

I am jealous of all of your successes, it's true, and it doesn't spur me on, it makes me feel even more shit about how crap I am. I tried to see the other side of it all, but its not working for me. Every time I see people who were banded and the amazing results it makes me feel like a bucket of cold piss. Sorry, but its the truth. I am like the team that lost, envious, emotional, sorry for myself and know i should have just done better. Somewhere deep within me, I am happy for you all individually - but banded people as a whole make me want to cry. Its like the day the wall went up... I feel like I am on the other side of your happiness, and there is nothing I can do right now to change it.

I lay my failure squarely at the doorstep of Heliogast and their batch of faulty bands. Thanks for nothing you bunch of arseholes. You ruined my dreams and fucked my mind over. I simply cannot get over that. There are not words on this earth to describe how I feel about you. You should have put a recall on them you bastards. How many people have them still inside them? No one even knows. Lovely.

I also blame Hinchingbrooke hospital for completely wrongly diagnosing me, blowing me off with IBS when the consultant radiologist obviously didn't bother putting down his newspaper & coffee to look at my results. You made me suffer agony for 6 months. Fucking cheers.

I also blame my brain for being a mound of blubbering shit. Because of you i could not get it together after this crisis and get the FUCK over myself. As soon as I can get a transplant i am going to freaking have one. I am even considering a lobotomy. be warned you mass of grey bollocks

All three of you deserve to be imprisoned for the pain you gave me.

This was Bunny, flattened by the juggernaut. Splat

Friday, 4 June 2010

Going well

Hey everyone, the new crackdown is going well. I am following the plan and being a good girl. I think I finally want this. I think I am prepared to do what it takes. Its early days, but I am getting there.

Several things have happened recently that have meant I can, or rather have to, put things to bed permanently.

If you start a race, or a journey, or a trek somewhere massive - like the Marathon, or North Pole or Everest... sometimes you don't do it your first go. I do feel like my battle with weight could be any or all of those things. Its certainly huge - like my butt!

So, you would be mad not to attempt those things with some serious training. Hell I would be mad to try a 1km run right now!! So, I am considering my 3 years post band as my training to stay the distance.

I had a funny little thing happen to prove this yesterday. I went to TB's house after we got back from slimmingworld, and we were having a coffee and chatting, and she offered me an orange. Without thinking, I dismissed it with a "no thanks" and then realized that I said no because there was no way I could have eaten an orange a couple of months ago. It would have stuck like a pig in a poke and ended up in a choke barf session! So even after being released from that over tight hell, my mind has trained itself to remember its just not worth it for some things!

This is very interesting to me, because when I was filled I might have said yes to a cake, or crisps or something similar. So the 'Its not worth it' only came into effect when I weighed up choking and puking versus the TYPE of food stuff... it was worth it to puke on cake or crisps maybe?? My mind is funny like that. I never realized I did that balancing out on food - the pros and cons of eating something... Hmmm. That's really actually quite sad isn't it.

What I intend to do - as my mate Dave suggested - is get a fill at some point and never let myself get into that situation again. I should have been able to eat an orange. I just never bothered to take the time to learn how. Oh yeah, i chewed stuff to death alright, but I mean never really bothered to try foods I thought might be a bit harder going. I just cut them out. So that limits my food choices which then starts the chain reaction into where I was at with subsisting on sloppy or melt able junk food and takeaway at about 10pm at night cos then I can get it down.

These are all good things to remember for me, and I am writing them down on a piece of paper so that I remember these things when i get there again. So as Dave rightly suggested getting a fill should limit rather than omit things. I guess there will be things that i come across that i wont be able to, like I was never able to tolerate bread in any form after my band was filled. But maybe I didn't try hard enough or take small enough bites. I dunno. I am going to give it all a fresh try and armed with my training I should be able to notice the first signs of distress and slow the heck down!

The other interesting things that I have come to terms with is the breaking of my band. That has been a head fucker right from the word go. It makes me sore and angry in my heart that this had to happen to me, because I am pretty sure that I would not be here writing this blog the way its written if everything had been ok with the band from the outset.

I have been repeatedly told by our solicitor that I had a case against the NHS for what happened to me. I also had a case against the private doctor in London who did a vanishing act. I also had the case against the company that made the band and I did receive a large sum from them for their faulty product in December 2007.

I have consistently left the NHS on the shelf. I just didn't want to go there. I think maybe I was frightened that there would be some record or they would refuse to treat me in future or something like that. I certainly cant afford private health care plan, so I have to go with them. It all felt rather bad manners too, even though they fucked up on a major scale. I know the name of the doctor who said I was fine, the senior consultant radiologist who looked at these next x-rays and said there was nothing wrong (even though - now get this - they do follow up care for this operation at this hospital so am guessing he might have seen a band before in his 34 years as a radiologist!!!!), and everyone else who treated me that day including the nurses on duty the night I was admitted and who I - lying in my bed - overheard at handover in the early hours say "Bunny, she came in complaining of abdominal pain, given morphine but still in pain. Shes either a very very good actor or is actually in pain, but who knows"... Nice huh!

I have done nothing about any of it. Now, I cant do anything about it. It was 3 years ago on 21st May that it broke. that's the time limit for raising a medical compensation case.

Its like a deliberately left it until now so that I could just forget about it, or them. Maybe its ingrained in us to trust doctors and nurses, or whatever, or maybe I am just being really truly gracious and feel like I already took enough compensation over this. The NHS is in debt and its not like I had a leg off or something. I also paid for this surgery myself so maybe I think I brought the whole situation on myself or whatever, but I just couldn't bring myself to sign the forms and send them back to the solicitor. I just couldn't. Now it doesn't matter. Its fucking done.

Any time I go into hospital now I can at least know that there is no secret code on my files saying "GET HER!" But I also know not to be fobbed off. I know that they can miss some freaking big problems now for real. So at least I kind of get something out of it.

So here are my X-Rays. I have blanked my name and stuff and the hospital name... but you get to see inside my guts:

On this x-ray you can see the port with a nice big prong poking out of it (it's and inch and a half long btw) this stabbed me in the liver for 6 months. And, just by 'Acq Tm' you can see the band in position and the tubing trailing off downwards.



And here's the other one showing my port and disconnected tubing and the 2 big clips that broke off and fired like a rocket into my pelvic area (look at spine in pelvis)! That tubing whipped through me like a blown tyre, so YES, nurse, I was in freaking Pain bitch!



By the time I got back to see Dr. Dillemans in the November, the tubing was hanging further down in my pelvis... straight down too. It explained why when i went to the loo I felt like I was having a baby and had stabbing pains. Check out the port area too... explains why once I bent over, I had chronic pain in my upper midriff... it was stabbing my liver.

So there we go guys... its all over, I cant call anyone on this any more. Dr. Dillemans was appalled at the sate of it all and instantly fixed it all up for free the very next day and was amazing. I would thoroughly recommend him to anyone. I only know 3 other people this happened too and I sincerely hope there is no one else... but if your band ain't working, then get this sucker checked as it was a faulty batch or LapBands ok? Some people don't get pain... it all depends where everything's located and how long the tubing is etc... so don't give up on your little silicone buddy unless you know this hasn't happened.

So this is me putting it all to bed. *dusts hands off*

The other things that has made me in the mood to restart stuff is my weight. My actual weight.

Yesterday at slimmingworld I weighed in at 18 stone 1.5lbs (thats 253.5lbs). When I started my WHOLE weightloss expedition way back and originally joined slimmingword I weighed 18 stone 12.5lbs. That's just 11 pounds lost in about 6 years.

When I had lapband surgery on 14th February 2007 I weighed exactly 18 stone (252lbs).

I now weigh MORE than at my original surgery date.

So peeps, I have really really REALLY gone back to base camp.

These things should shock me, but actually they inspire me. Its like Running the Marathon and twisting your ankle at 10miles. Like Trekking to the North pole and having the huskies turn on you and eat the supplies just into the arctic circle. Like getting halfway up Everest and your Sherpa realizing that you don't have enough oxygen to complete the mission. So you have to go back home and re-load.

So I am HAPPY and well glad I get the chance to run this race again! Its day 4 and all is well!!!

The plan I am doing is Dieti-meal. Its shakes, bars, soup and mrp meals. VERY tasty and easily doable for a month. Its a VLCD full meal replacement plan. Each meal is 25% of your daily nutrients, so I have a shake in the am, then soup or shake for lunch, then 2 chocolate bars things to snack on when I like (2bars = 1 meal) and then instant sachet of spag bol or shepherds pie for tea.

I thought the meal sachets would be gross, but they are VERY nice. I have eaten worse at a restaurant... and you know how I love my food!!

I did consider really going for it with slimingworld, but at the moment I just wanna burn fat, lose weight and not have to think about it. I need a boost to my psyche and this is gunna do it.

So, slimmingworld better be ready for a lighter load on the scales next week!