Friday, 29 June 2007

Day 3 on the Slimfast plan.... g r o a n

Oh man. I think I want to slit my wrists. The lack of food is driving me crazy... I am thinking about it all the time. I would gladly sit around anyones tongue whilst they eat let me tell you!

Its probably only a phase, and I am going to battle through it, but BOY do I love my evening meal. My band mate 'M' has been doing it for 3 weeks. I will be seeing her tomorrow and hopefully her bintness will spur me onwards to MORE slimfast days. At present , I am having trouble though.

Day one was ok. Day two was ok-ish. Today? Terrible. I have had my 2 slimfasts and a peach. I am starving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I should have another one? Its making my guts bubble and boil though... I am a bit worried about going to work and having an accident to be honest! But I shall brave it. I will have to be on fluids of a few days as of tomorrow anyway, so its not worth stopping is it. Maybe after the 4th or 5th day I will get used to it.


Well I got home from work RAVENOUS.

I had my tea - chicken casserole and potato croquettes (313 cals - bargain!!)

....but then I was a very naughty girl... sorry.

I had 3 puddings.

2 x semolina with dutch apple - 189 cals each = 378cals

and 1 x apple pie and custard - 289 cals.

So I have had 2 slimfasts at roughly 220 each, and the rest.

This takes my daily total for food to a whopping 1500 cals (if you include milk too)

Oh I wish my shame ended there...


I then consumed half a bottle of red.

So I guess I am at the 2000 cal mark... I don't know, maybe even more... hic!

Anyway, its FILL TIME tomorrow... BRING IT ON!

Thursday, 28 June 2007

Slimfast Day 2

Hello everyone! I have just got up after a SERIOUS lay in. Its 2:30pm HA HA.
Before you wonder what kind of lazy troll I am, let me explain. I am having the weirdest pains in my guts at the moment. Its coming up to that lovely time of the month again, and I do seem to get a really B A D pain about 3 inches below my port every month. This month, just to add to the fun and games, I also have a bad stabbing pain on the right side.

Now, I was sterilized when I was 22. Since then, I have always has period pains... But since banding its been pretty damn awful! It must be from all the muscles being chopped about or something.

This is the first time I have had gut rot on the right hand side as well as the left though. So I reckon my little eggs have grown football boots and are now trying to force their way through those clips on a mission to make me fat again... mind you I lost 3 stone when I was pregnant with DS... Hmmm now theres a thought! :o)

Anyway, these pains are like blinding agony. I can't see straight its that bad. The only thing I can do is stay in bed. I never suffered from PMT as a teenager or anything, so this is really weird to be experiencing it as a 30 year old. I do feel like I need my mum and a hot water bottle *sigh*

I am also aware that this is extremely weak of me, but I just cannot get over it. Its truly horrible.

So I was not being a lazy piece of trash lounging in my pit eating chocolates or anything. I was trying very hard to sleep. In the afternoon its better.

So here I am... drinking my first coffee of the day (AHHHHHhhhhhh) and having my slim fast.

I wasn't particularly hungry, and I should have had 2 milkshakes already... but I have one in hand. That will be nice for later on I guess.


Ok so nothing much happened the rest of the day, Slimfast day 2 has now finished.

Diet today consisted of:
1 banana slimfast - 218 cals
2 Cumberland sausages, swede, peas and mashed potato with gravy - 513 cals
1 apricot pudding - 69 cals
2 activia yoghurt's - 226 cals
1 apple 60
1 peach 37

total: 1200 (including splashes of skimmed milk)

So we are on a roll friends!

I am also going to make use of the hour I sit and watch Big Brother therefore not eating, and doing something more positive, and I am going to use my treadmill again.

I am not feeling more positive about this, but I am trying to MAKE myself more positive. I think if I hop on those scales next Wednesday and I have lost a couple of pounds, it will make all the difference to how I feel about things right now. I was sabotaging my weight loss I am sure. I should really have looked at the fact that I haven't gained any weight at all! That's what I should focus on.

I must say, I am not feeling full though. I feel like I could have a complete meal right now to be honest. I don't think i should feel like that really. Hopefully this next fill will do the job and help sort that out.

right, off to beddy-bies.
night night.

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

2nd Post of the day (updated)

As you know, today started off in *shame* but after getting rid of my angst on here it got better.

Tesco arrived with my slimfast shakes and I had my first one. I have also had one for my lunch, so I am going great guns. I haven't had any fruit for snacks yet because I am not hungry, but I will take a couple of pieces to work with me this afternoon just in case. I don't want to end up having to buy something!!

Wiltshire farm foods have delivered out meals for the next fortnight so its all going to plan!

This thing that isn't going to plan is the ruddy pool!

I have decided that a liner is the way to go. I just cannot see the tiles working. It is SO wet out there. I will have to scrape all the tiles off and all the grout, order 3 more tubs of adhesive, order a few more tiles as where I have tried to walk on the dry ones, they have cracked.

The bead you make in the adhesive has been totally destroyed by the rain, so its just not going to hold. All the pressure on the tile face is totally uneven and they will crack as soon as we start to fill it.

I am gutted. All that work.

Anyway, I will not be thwarted! I have ordered a completely white liner that's really thick, and clicks into a rail all around the pool and is purpose built so will be exactly the Right fit.
I wont have to worry about it leaking, or cracking etc. I can just get on with enjoying it.

It will also give the same lovely white effect so that it looks all bright and gorgeous.

So there we go. It was not expensive, so I might as well use the money I would have to have spent sorting out the tile problem on the liner.


The liner is now off. Yes yes yes, I know. I have ordered BIG heavy thick floor tiles in blue marble colour. I am gonna seriously grout them in and I flaming well dare them to not fix!

so we shall see how that goes. I am NOT tiling until the weather is nicer though. Its not worth it.

I am having chronic pain again, like when I got taken into hospital, but its in a different place. This time its the other side of me that's killing! I cant help but think that it was a month ago that all this was going on... coincidence? We shall see. It feels like I am giving birth to a pea through my urethra, but its sort of stuck half way and never gets further. That's exactly what its like, but with side pain added in.

Food wise:
1 x Slim fast shake 215cals
1 x Tesco version of slim fast shake 225cals
1 x Quorn and sweet potato curry 615cals.
2 x apples

There we are.
Not bad huh!

-:*:- -:*:- -:*:-

Just a quickie... THANK YOU TINA for your wonderful comment. I am really glad its helped you make up your mind, and I'll keep blogging don't worry! I hope to read yours one day too!

Anyway, a quick update from yesterday...

I am so strange. I had a binge. It got to 11pm when DH and DS got home from fishing and we put him to bed exhausted. He caught a massive tench, which was great. 4lb! For a little boy that's a whopper!

Anyway, I sat down to watch Big Brother which I ADORE and I thought "I am going to have something to nibble". I should have grabbed a slim fast shake from the fridge... but this is me.

I decided to get some heart and soul warming olive oil and pitta and a glass of red. I coerced my mind into believing that this is kind of the last supper before I go for it on slim fast.

What am I... a flaming SQUIRREL??? Its not as if I am going into hibernation! Anyway, it would all have been totally cool had I just had one pitta, one glass of wine and one helping of Olive oil.

But this is 'last supper' mode talking. I am cringing as I write this and tell you all, but I took the bottle of wine in, the bottle of olive oil in , the bottle of balsamic in, the PACKET of pitta's in and the salt and pepper.

DH sat there on the sofa and said nothing. I wish he had. I would have been really angry at him for saying something, because its like someone catching you out. In fact its like the real physical incarnation of the other voice in your head which says "Mmm... do you really think you should be doing this?". I am always real quick to stamp up and down on that little voice of reason when it comes to food, so poor DH would have been stamped on too.... even though I know in the deepest part of my heart that I did not need all that stuff.

Oh God. I feel sick thinking about it.

I watched Big Bro, and by the time it was finished I had eaten 3 pitta's soaked in Oil and balsamic and 3/4 bottle of red.

I am ashamed of myself.

But still in the back of my mind the voices (jeeezz! maybe I am going mad!! HA HA) say "well you obviously need a fill as you ate all that..." and make me start to try and justify it all.

I want to know if normal people think like this, and if their little voice of reason is a tiny, shrew like slip of a voice who looks like it is dying and is battered and bruised; Or if their voice of reason is a burly bouncer guy who just throws the tempting voice from the club!

But maybe, in normal people they are equal. Just like average Jo and average Jane. Maybe they have little debates with each other rather than getting physical.

Maybe fatties like me have 'shrew girl voice of reason' and the 'incredible hulk tempter', and people who are too skinny have 'Bouncer guy voice of reason'. Normal people probably have Joe and Jane.

Good grief I sound like a basket case... Its just the only way I can sort this through.

I'm off to check myself into the local nut house.

Tuesday, 26 June 2007


Pool is still not got any further which is SERIOUSLY annoying me. It is such awful weather here at the moment. I woke up this morning to another 2 inches of rain in the bottom of it. Yesterday I baled out an inch of water too. I really think I am going to have to lift the tiles and re lay them because the grout is never going to dry at this rate.

I just hope it will be OK. This thing is if the bead on the bottom of the tile is disturbed, then it means the pressure wont be even and they could all end up cracked which would just do my head in. I SO don't want to have to do this again. I am beginning to think that a pool liner might be a very VERY good idea right now. It will certainly save all this stress! It could be done by now!

Anyway, food wise... again no problems with my band. I made myself a 2 egg omelet this morning with tomato, mushrooms and onion and 28g cheese. It was about 11:30 so I didn't bother with lunch at all.

This evening I had mashed potato, 1.5 beef burgers and 2 sausages cooked in the oven so no extra fat.
So calories:
I wont bother counting the tomato, onion and mushroom as that's like next to nothing... but

2 eggs are about 200cals
a helping of mashed potato is 250
1.5 beef burger is 243
2 sausages are 331

I then had a heap of strawberries which again aren't much with some cream 200 cals

so today I have had about 1500 cals if you include all the drops of milk in my coffee and the strawberries and tomato and stuff.

I am not really worried. this is still WAY under the calories of what I used to eat but I really don't think I should be able to eat this much...

I would really like someone who reads this blog and has maybe lost a lot of weight and is really in the zone to tell me the kind of amount they are eating. I don't think that after eating burger, sausage and mash I should still feel like I could a) eat more and b.) be able to follow it with a bowl of strawberries.

I know I am making the choices and I could have chosen to have milk on my strawberries or nothing at all, but I figure normal people would not think twice about it. Before banding I would have eaten a lot more that 1 and a half burgers and 2 sausages. I also didn't have as much potato as I would have, so I know that something is working. Like I said, I could have also chosen to eat a salad and raw veg instead of what we had, but I chose to have this. They were real meat not some cheap and nasty grizzle burgers too. I feel full and content now as well, so I wont be having anything else.

I always fell like I have to justify myself. I make the choices and I am conscious of them, but I wish someone else could make the choices for me. I wish I could tell my cook to prepare me nutritious macrobiotic oojimi-flips but I cant.

So tomorrow we get another delivery of farm foods. I am so glad about that. I have slim fast ready and waiting in the cupboard and also some ready prepared ones too, just in case, and then I have my healthy meal for the evening all ready prepared for me an waiting.

I am really going to go for it, and considering I am also having a fill on Saturday, cant help but think that slim fast will be quite easy compared to pre banding. I am going for it anyway. I thought Dr. Clayson was a bit of a div for saying just go and live a normal life. I don't need anyone telling me that. I need to be told to watch it big style.

about to put some things on eBay and earn some spare cash to pay for my fill at the weekend! HA HA


Monday, 25 June 2007

Strange weigh in...

Well here I am again writing from my NEW PC. Yep. The old one finally died yesterday morning. We have had it fixed twice before and we were basically throwing good money after bad, so thought "stuff it" and drove to PC world and bought the cheapest one in the shop. Its got Vista on it, which is well different to XP. I like it though. Seems OK to me.

went for my weigh in today. I weighed on my scales at home and they said I had lost 2 pounds... 16 stone 4lb (or 228lb) but when I went to the chemist and jumped on their scales they yelled "OUCH GET OFF YOU FAT GIT" and said I was 16stone 8pounds (232lbs).

Hmmm So I have either put on 2 or lost 2... Its definitely 2 though!!

So I don't know if I am happy or not. I think that my scales are correct, as they have been accurately measuring me for ages... but I just can't trust them totally.

Whatever, I have a fill on Saturday, so we shall go from there and I am also taking my Friends advice and doing slimfast for a bit to help me out. I am not going to start until Wednesday though, because that is when we get our meal delivery from Wiltshire farm foods. It will be much easier then.

But until then, I am making a concerted effort to stick to blew 1000 cals again. I think I have been a bit wayward since being home from holiday, especially as we ran out of meals last Monday, and I have *shock horror* had to cook myself! Its never easy late at night when I am tired, and I do tend to think "Oh whatever" and do something easy, rather than nutritious.

So today started badly... ish.

Went to the chemist and was annoyed because it said I had put on 2 pounds and walked straight into the next door newsagents and bought a bag of crisps. I know... comfort eating. I even stood there looking them up and down for a while. then I walked around the corner and looked at the notepads and colouring books and rubbish they have in newsagents, and then I wandered back to the crisp selection. I grabbed one guiltily. I was even thinking whilst I paid for them and DS's sweets that they might think about how fat I am and how could I buy that. I also thought that they were thinking stuff like "I bet her boy turns out just like her" which is so never going to happen. Its like torture. I hate myself. I hate the way my mind works ad puts me down all the time. If I want a packet of crisps I should not feel guilty, but conversely I should not just want a packet of crisps because I feel bad about putting on weight. I mean what is wrong with my brain???? Its like self destruct.


I should have the courage to think "right I am going to cheer myself up by NOT having the crisps and knowing that I have a few less calories than normal" or something.

I have read that people with eating disorders the opposite from me.. (i.e. the eating disorders where people DON'T eat) actually get a pleasure out of denying themselves stuff. I can't help but feel jealous to be honest. I know that's a bit "out there" but I am serious. Why, out of all the eating disorders there could be do I have the one that makes me go to food as a comfort rather that look at food denial as a comfort. I mean if I had to have an eating disorder at all, then I would prefer the latter. I am not being facetious. Of course guess people with anorexia or similar would wish they could eat more and not deny themselves and think the total opposite of me. To be honest I just wish I was frigging NORMAL, but that is obviously not the case.

I want to change my mindset and the way my mind looks at food. HOW DO I DO THAT? How do anorexics stop punishing themselves and looking at food as the enemy. How do I stop looking at food as my soul mate and only comforter? I mean, it doesn't actually HELP me either. I ate that bag of crisps and I didn't feel any better. I know that I will feel crud after eating them, but I still make myself believe that I will feel better if I eat them. God I am screwed up.

I guess none of this makes sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me. I feel like a psycho.

Rant over...

Here's what I have had to eat today... and given that I feel pretty sorry for my self and annoyed and want to eat, I think its pretty good.

1 big eat size bag of walkers crisps 265 cals

1 pitta bread 225 cals

5 cherry tomatoes 15 cals

56g cheese 205 cals

So today I have had 710 cals.

That's not good considering I have to eat tonight.... but I will be getting in late so I could stop and get a ready meal. Yep, that's what I will do.

Pool update...

If it doesn't stop raining I think we will have a disaster on our hands....

Thursday, 21 June 2007

Day 6 on the Swimming pool instalation

I am shattered.
This is a photo of the pool.... so far. Its got tiles all around the outside now and been grouted in. Its also been completely filled with gap filler and had 2 coats of Thermacoat sealant. Its a black liquid rubber stuff that smells terrible. It costs an absolute fortune but does the job. Its watertight alright! Its raining right now, and this stuff is holding its own. The pool could even be half full with water and you can still start painting... underwater!!! Its tough stuff man.

However, it now looks like the pool from HELL and the garden looks like a builders merchants.

I will be starting to tile the inside either tomorrow or at the weekend. I need DH to help me with all the cuts though. I have bought some pebbles in navy blue to go around the top edge because I didn't want cut tiles on the top where you sit just in case it cuts.
So its taking shape, but its back breaking. If any one wants a nice pool in their garden I am taking commissions! HA HA. But don't ask me for 5 years ok? I might have got over the ordeal by then.
My band I am sure is broken. It does nothing at all and I eat what ever I like. Rubbish. Sod millilitres. I want 30 pounds per square inch in there so it will squeeze the gullet closed so that I can actually not eat at all. I think its for the best. :o(

18 Weeks After my Lap Band in Belgium

Thought I would just add it up. 18 weeks. WOW. I can't believe it was that long ago. I was 18 stone exactly on the day of the operation. That's 252 pounds. I am now 16 stone 6. That's 230 pounds.

22 pounds lighter.

I am not sure if that is actually that brilliant in 18 weeks. I guess its more than a pound a week, but I did think that it would be more than this by now, or am I just being greedy (No pun intended!)?

I am having another fill in just over a week with Dr. Dovey in Barnes. I am looking forward to meeting him. I would really like it if he could check to see if everything is OK with my band. However, I haven't gained any weight, so it must be doing something right!!

I had a good day today until dinner.. I didn't have breakfast as I wasn't hungry, and then for lunch I had a cucumber sandwich. For dinner we ordered a take away. The first one in a long long time, but a take away kebab nonetheless. It was yummy. Had a little sticky PB moment when I thought I was going to have to be sick, and then it all got better. So, bit of a bad tea, but there we go.

This is a bit boring, but I just sold loads of old junk on eBay. I am amazed. I got about £140 for it all. Its amazing really that I had that amount of stuff lying about the house.

We watched this programme about a couple who were really skint and were in loads of debt and stuff. They called it beat the bailiffs or some rubbish. Another one of those "Lets look at your sad life" kind of shows where they seem to help but probably don't in reality.

This family bought their kid a new toy every week as a treat, and it was like 5 years old or something. They spent at LEAST £40 on the item whatever it was. Basically the kid had shed loads of stuff it never played with ever. They also had loads of clothes, PC's camcorders, TV's and HiFi's and gadgets and stupid gimmicky things like massive floor to ceiling lava lamps and stuff still in the boxes it was bought in. The had all this rubbish in there house that they didn't use basically and they were asking them what on earth they bought it for. They had loads of reasons, but none held water.

So they gave the couple a wake up call. They came into their house one afternoon unexpected and took everything of value away to show them what it would be like if they didn't pay their bills and the bailiffs came around.

The woman said she was devastated and they had to live like it for a week or something. No telly, PC or anything like that you know? They said it was an awful experience. Then they took them to this MASSIVE warehouse with a small pile in the middle, which was their belongings. It looked so sad. This couple had sold their freedom for these few items and it did look really pathetic as I think we are all a little bit guilty of buying things for the sake of it and then repenting at leisure...

Anyway, they were stood over these items tat were the be all and end all of this couples lives and there was a house clearance man. They held up various items and asked him how much they would get for this and that. They held up the telly and he said £20 and they held up a brand new laptop and he said £50 things like that.

Now this is where I thought the show fell down, because you would never get such a crap amount for those items. This couple were like "Oh man, I paid £500 for that" and they were all upset and stuff at how their stuff would be sold like that if in fact the bailiffs did come around. Its just not right. Fair enough, I thought the whole psychology of putting you off debt and even getting you into a more "Lets sort this out" mode was good, but it fell down when they said you would only get like a couple of quid for stuff. Who in their right mind would let the bailiffs come and take away their telly without trying to flog it on eBay first and get the cash for themselves.

I mean, if it was me, I would have sold my stuff long before the bailiffs came knocking. Oh well, what do I know. Maybe its different when its for real. But I sold some SERIOUS rubbish on eBay today, and I got £140 for it. I sold a set of 24 ladybird books I used to teach my son to read, some contact lens cleaner, a pair of swimming arm bands, 3 little lead men for a railway set, a box of coffee and a shower attachment and a load of old karaoke discs. I really expected to get about £20 for the lot. I was WELL chuffed! I have some more crud that I am going to put on tomorrow and see what happens with that.

Its amazing how much spare "cash" you have just lying on your shelves. I am so thrilled with getting £140 for junk that I have the bug! I am looking at all the shelves thinking "Mmmm get rid of that, and that!" Well cool. I am also so annoyed with having such a messy house. How do these other people do it. It is TRULY impossible to have a clean and tidy house for more than 12 hours. I think they pay people to do it. I just turn around and its a pig sty again! So getting rid of some knick-knacks will be a good thing indeed! It just clutters up the place and collects dust. Since we moved the Piano after the remodelling of our lounge, I never put the photos and bits and bobs back. i am so glad. I can get my duster and 'sweep!' and its done. All shiny. It used to be a pigging nightmare!! I am really into to 'cash for clutter' club!

I will post a photo of the swimming pool tomorrow. Its going well. I have tiled the outside and levelled the floor off with concrete and filled all the gaps with sealant. I am going to paint the whole of the inside of the pool with roof sealer tomorrow before I put on the tiles just to make extra sure that the pool does not leak. It is wicked stuff. In our first house, we accidentally cracked the toilet cistern when we were about to move house. We couldn't get another one as it was one of those old manky avocado coloured ones, so we painted it with roof sealer a couple of times and it worked like a dream! So there we go. Slap it on nice and thick and then tile it all.

The grout annoyed me today because I had just grouted the whole outside when someone called me and I had to take the call. When I got back it had gone and sett lovely and hard for me. Not good. I had to scrape it all off painstakingly which took hours. I still have one other wall to scrape off!!

Anyway, off to bed now for an early start tomorrow in the garden!

Monday, 18 June 2007

Weigh in day again

Well it was weigh in day again...

I used to be so excited for Monday to roll around again.

I trekked over to Tesco as they have this new fangled weigh in machine (seems wrong to call it a scale!) and analyzed myself.

I weigh 16 stone 6 pounds (230). My own scales say that, and its not changed for weeks.

However, I am 42% fat. That's like half of me!! Apparently about 7 stone of my body is simply fat. *shudders*

Anyway, as I am sure you can imagine, I am NOT happy that the scales haven't moved.

I am about to have my dinner, late again, as I have been in bed since about 6pm. I have also been having the most horrible dreams. They are nasty. They are either leaving DH and getting it together with someone else and realising it was a mistake, or similar kind of thing the other way around. Another of these strange dreams is when I dream about friends having the same thing happen to them, but weirdly they are always leaving their spouse to run off with someone of the same sex. Honestly... I don't know what its all about, but its really annoying me!!!!!

I don't think dreams are portentous at all. They never have been in my life anyway, but what they do do is aggravate me! I have no idea why I am dreaming so vividly or wildly and to be honest, I just want to sleep and wake up happy!! I normally do, but since getting back from Sri Lanka its just been weird city! Probably my body trying to balance itself out again or something, I will try ear plugs again and see if I get a deeper sleep so I don't remember these crazy dreams.

Looking forward to my fill on the 30th June! I really hope it starts my weight shifting. I wonder if its like a plateau during dieting... your body wising up to the fact that its being cheated into slimness and now holding on for dear life... Mmmm

Sunday, 17 June 2007

Cream crackered

Heres why!

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Rain stopped play!

I cannot believe it, but on the day I decide to start building the swimming pool... it BUCKETS down. The sky's opened on and off all day. This was ok..ish. We managed to do a lot of the preparation. Then when it seemed to have eased and finished (?) DH and I started mixing up the first bag of cement. He had literally turned it over into a fat mix when the weather pulled it's final trick from its sleeve. A full on thunder and lightening storm and a flooded garden!!! Like I said - Unbelievable. You can see the wonderful flooded path and the covered cement mix. Oh and don't worry, the BBQ is moving! We wont be flipping burgers and taking a swim at the same time! It looks really small from DS's bedroom window. Its actually 3 metres square. You wouldn't believe it but until a few weeks ago we had a pots and tubs and an 8 seater dining table on it!!

I have come to the decision that I am actually mad. I don't know what possesses me to do these things but I know that we are the only family I know of who seem to do these weird things. Are there any other crazy dudes out there?

Band wise... cool. No problems and seemingly no flaming difference either!
breakfast I had 2 banana's and a coffee and for lunch I made pasta. I don't know what we are having for tea, but I think it will be curry and rice if I can persuade DH to make it. :o)

Friday, 15 June 2007

Back on Solids

Everyone, I have to say I could not stick the liquids.

I simply could not do it.

Last night I cooked the boys tea and made the decision that I was going to eat as well.

I made sure I chewed well and ate slowly and that every mouthful went down OK.

I was fine. I was also fine this morning and breakfast (an omelet) went down nicely too. I am going to steer clear of dry foods for the moment, and stick to stuff with gravy or sauce or that are generally 'wet'.

I have read so many different surgeons opinions on the post fill diet. They range from saying 2 weeks of liquids followed by mushies to eat normally and see how you go.

How on earth do they expect us to cope with this band when everyone - including the people who deal with your care - say something different.

Basically I think I know my body better than anyone else, so that's what I am going to go by.
If it feels wrong, then I wont do it.

I am going to up my fluid intake too. I don't think I am drinking enough between meals. I am going to try to drink at least 2 pints of liquid between breakfast and lunch and between lunch and dinner. I find that it helps to keep me full to be honest. If I am a bit peckish, having a drink or squash fills me up for about 20 minutes and takes my mind off snacking or grazing.

I had my breakfast at 10:30am and its 2pm now and I am still not hungry. I made a 3 egg omelet with onions and a tiny amount of grated cheese and I would say I ate 2 thirds of it. I feel good that I left something on my plate. Last nights meal I ate completely... it was a WFF meal again, but I was able to eat the lot. I didn't have a pudding though, as I know that that would have been too much food.

For me, I think I should be leaving the plate with food on it. that's how I envisioned it when I had the band. I really thought I would be full on an egg cup of food. Evidently that is still not the case, so I am going to have my next fill on the 30th for sure.

When I was discussing this with Dr. C yesterday and saying "I really don't think I should be eating that much..." He said "Well my wife eats well. She has a plate full of food. You want to be able to eat and enjoy your food and not starve" which I get, but for goodness sake! I have had a lap band to make me eat less.... I actually want to starve... I thought that was the point! Being able to starve without realising it. And Yes! Truth be told I AM eating less that I did in February, but its still a bloody lot in my honest opinion. Especially when I read about other people who can only manage half a lean cuisine meal or whatever. I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. I don't give a flying fig if it looks stupid to leave food on the plate, or if people ask if there is something wrong with my food. In fact I cant WAIT for them to say stuff like that. It will mean I really am eating less. I want to be able to eat a saucer of food and feel stuffed. Honestly. If that means I need 176 fills then bring it on! I know what I am like and I know that if I CAN eat more, I WILL. I don't have willpower when it comes to food. That's why I stumped up my hard earned cash and had the surgery.

I wish I could explain it better, but I feel like the band and I will have achieved perfect harmony with each other when I can't eat a whole meal. Bottom line.

We are not there yet, so it still needs a couple of ml or 3!

Hopefully I will get on with the other Doctor better. I really didn't like Dr. C. I thought he was snide and sarcastic. I felt like an uneducated fat cow in his eyes. Like someone who is a bit dippy and doesn't know what they have done and who needs everything explaining in baby language and diagrams and I felt patronised to be honest.

I said to him... "To be honest, I don't really feel like I have any restriction at all. I can eat what I want, any amount of it and when ever I want to."

He said "Well are you eating less that you used to" with a little play of a snide smile around his lips... inferring that I do have restriction. Of COURSE I am eating less that i did before the operation. Yes of course you stupid git! Of course I am eating less, but what I am telling you is that I still don't have any MORE restriction than I had last month... especially as I weighed 17stone on his rubbish scales. (I KNEW that I wasn't 15 stone 6 last month when he weighed me! I told him they were up the shonker at the time too! By his scales I have gained 1 and a half stone in a month! [For the benefit of anyone who doesn't remember what I am on about here, Last time I had a fill he weighed me and I was 15 stone 6 on his scales (216lbs). I of course was flabbergasted as my scales, slimmingworlds scales and the chemists scales all said 16 stone 6 (230lbs)! I told him they were wrong, but he would not have it and told me they were calibrated and all that jazz. Well guess who was actually right?? When he weighed me yesterday they said 17 stone (238lbs) which is ALSO wrong, but there we go.])

Back to topic, I don't talk to people trying to be absolutely precise with my English grammar. I should have said "I have some restriction, but no more restriction than I had at the beginning of this debacle." But for God's sake! He knew what I meant. Everyone else does.

He just infuriated me with his play on my words. The only reason I didn't go off on one at him was because I wanted the flipping fill BAD. I had to bite my tongue though! I am just not like that normally but the guy is such a snide nasty bloke and really rubs me up the wrong way.

This is not the first or only case of similar conversations with him. Imagine those programmes where you see someone in the witness box and you know exactly what the person is trying to say, but the lawyer twists it so that they cleverly manoeuvre the witness to admit something in such a way that it sounds bad... You know that kind of thing. Well he has SERIOUSLY missed his vocation man.

On a brighter note, the receptionist has obviously had some kind of pleasure recently as she was positively pleasant. Either that or she reads this blog! HA HA. She actually spoke to me as if I had a pulse and was from earth for a change. WOW.

Well at least I don't have to go back there. Its such a depressing town, Tamworth. No wonder they have to have a massive surgery... its truly humongous. 2 storeys and goodness knows how many doctors. I wouldn't wonder if everyone in the town is getting treated for depression or SAD or something. Its grim.

So, that's all for today. I have to go to work at 3:30pm. Tomorrow I have to work in the morning, but my afternoon appointment has cancelled as the little darling has a party to go to. *huge sigh* But that means that DS and I can start building our swimming pool! I am really looking forward to doing it. Its a huge project, but it will be brilliant. It will be a metre deep and 3 metres by 3 metres square. Big enough to float in and cool down at any rate. Also decided that I am going to give my kitchen a face lift. I have ordered new door knobs for it (Cream porcelain) and I am going to stick beading on the doors and make it look rustic - shabby chic - with cream paint. My good old Travelling Buddy is going to do it. Shes wicked at that kind of stuff. I just have to prepare it for her. Cool.

Thursday, 14 June 2007

I'm so going to miss traveling to Birmingham..... NOT!

Well I have had my last fill from Dr. Clayson.

I had 4mls the first time, 1 ml the next and this time I had 1.2mls.

So I have now got a total of 6.2 mls in my band.

I am back on to fluids now for 3 days, and we shall see how that goes, but I am reckoning on getting my next fill on the 30th as planned.

Dr. Clayson is not doing the fills any more, so I have to go to Barnes now. there is a possibility of Norwich, which is still a trek, but not as bad as London. Oh well. This is the only problem with having had the band placed in Belgium. If you have it done abroad, no other surgeons in the Uk want to entertain you as they want to discourage you going abroad for surgery.

Mmmm. I know a way they could discourage people like me... chop the price by half! Its still cheaper and worth all the travelling about to save £4000 - £6000 believe me!!

Anyway, hopefully I am on the track to bintness again.


I'm going for a FILL tomorrow

Oh yeah! Its fill 'er up time again!

Sorry, I am a bit wasted on cooking sherry!! :o)

My Mum and Dad gave us 2 bottles, and now its all gone.... hic!

No, seriously, I am really looking forward to getting up at 7am and driving to Birmingham during rush hour to get 1ml of fluid injected into my stomach and part with £75.

I am going to train to be a 'filler'. OMG I would earn myself a killing!

£75 for 15 minutes work? It would be hard, but then again someones got to do it right?

I will let ya all know how it goes.

At least if Dr. Measly will only give me 0.5mls or something I can get a good fill up on the 30th.

I hope I get more than that for £75 though!!!! I need to shift some serious FAT.

I got a new watch strap today and the woman in the shop went "Oh, I cut it a little bit getting the pin out, but its fine."

NO! Its flaming CUT! I don't know whats wrong with me. Why didn't I say "What? its worse than the one I came in with!" rather than go "Oh yes, that's Ok..." I am such a wet fart. I think people see me coming and say "FAB! Its a mug coming straight for us at 10 o'clock!"

DH also bought me a lovely torque/necklace thing whilst we were in there. Its well lush. Silver and twisted. I love it.

Also my new sofa covers from Plumbs were fitted today. They look well nice. Just goes to show how you get used to the same old crud. They look so amazing, its like having a brand new suite, with the added bonus that I can wash them if they get dirty. It was well worth getting loose covers. I also got a cover for a little Victorian nursing chair that I have in my front room. It looks really sweet and goes nicely with the suite (no pun intended!!)

Anyway, gotta go to bed as I am cream crackered.

nighty night.

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

4th Fill is booked - Tee Hee Hee

I know its WELL cheeky, but I need to get this fat carcass slim!

I have my third fill on Thursday14th June.

I have booked my 4th fill in London for 30th June.

I am so desperate now. I have been the same weight for toooooo long. Its not fair when we pay all this money, that we keep having to wait for the flippin' fills.

I obviously need a heck of a lot in my band, as I can eat a horse and its foal.

If there's a significant change or problem after fill 3 then I might cancel. Seeing as fill 1 and 2 did zip, I doubt I will be cancelling it though eh!

Pain is driving me crazy...

Here is the food I am missing right now... Boo Hoo.

This is a REAL curry. We have Dhal, Prawn curry, spiced Banana flower, chicken curry, beetroot curry and vegetable rice with popadums. Mmmmm this was so delicious it make me want to book a flight straight back there! Can you see how much food there was!! However if you did manage to eat everything on the plate, they brought you more!!!!!!!!

The most exotic thing I ate was this Lobster. It was divine.

Wow is all I can say. this was taken after I had finished the meal and flipped the beast over... you can see I left the veggies and the rice and half the crabbie pattie (HA HA - DS loved the Spongebob theme). The lobster was huge, but there was actually not a lot of meat in it... shame as it was well lush!

I have been experiencing EXCRUCIATING pain in my lower left abdomen. I have been banded for over 4 months now and have 6mls in my 10ml capacity band with no problems to date what so ever... well ok... the couple of pb's after fill #2 but that's all.

As you all know, on Saturday 3 weeks ago I fell down the stairs, top to bottom, and was taken to hospital. Nothing was broken, just bashed up and bruised all over the place. The next day (Sunday) I started feeling horrible in the afternoon. I fell asleep on the sofa and woke thinking that I had slept funny with a stitch like pain in my left side.

I got up and mooched about, but it didn't go. I took it easy all day simply because of the fall the previous day, and was in bed by 8pm. By 10pm I was in terrible pain and I called the Doctor. I was taken into hospital and admitted.

Over the course of the next 2 days they took:

blood tests - all clear
urine tests - all clear (including pregnancy tests - neg)
stomach x-ray's - fine
ultrasound scan of abdomen - fine

On Tuesday morning the consultants came to see me and the pain had gone completely, although they were still giving me codeine, and they said they could find nothing wrong and everything was clear and that I could go home.

Words like Diverticulitis and kidney stones were bandied about, but no clear diagnosis was given. I was eager as the proverbial beaver to go home because I was going on holiday for 2 weeks on the next day!

So I went home, packed and then went on holiday. During the holiday I had the occasional twinge, but nothing as debilitating as I had had on that Sunday night. I had one bad day about a week into the holiday where I mostly stayed in the water because this seemed to help with the pain, and also chewed those codeine pills like fury!

We came home last Wednesday and everything has been... ok... ish... occasionally there is pain, but its spasmodic.

Then yesterday came.

I had a bad nights sleep and was tossing and turning with cramping. Yesterday I spent in bed during the morning to hide from the pain. I got up briefly at midday to take DS to the doctor because he has been suffering from this bug he got on the last day of the holiday (turns out its probably Salmonella - Whoopee!) and then went back to bed about 2pm. I was in chronic pain I swear to God! I got up at 6pm and I went to work under pressure because of being off for the last 2 weeks on holiday. It was awful. I could hardly concentrate.

I came home from work and curled up whilst DH fed me a lovely curry and watched Big Brother (OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

We went to bed about 11pm, I only got home from work at 9:30pm and last night I felt so awful; couldn't get comfortable, and I got up at 4am.

All kinds of things are going through my head. Its not near the port. I know that 'port pain' that feels like a ripped muscle/stitch for a few weeks after the operation. I had that and it did eventually go at about 9 weeks or so, and its not that.

This pain is sharp, like I have been running a marathon, bends you double, on the left hand side but NOT completely on your hip. If you put your left hand on your left hip - like I'm a little teapot - where your fingers come to an end, go directly down 4 inches to around where I perceive my ovaries and all that junk to be... its in there.

It's kind of along the pelvic line when I am lying down. It feels like a stitch from running, does not go away and is constant. My port area is now also tender, although it wasn't yesterday.

Now, what have I done. I am thinking all kinds of things - something major by falling down the stairs? What does a band slip feel like? What does band erosion feel like?Is this just wind??? Have I pulled a muscle?Is it kidney stones - anyone had them?

But most importantly I am scared witless that its something to do with the band? I am having a fill on Thursday, but my doctor does not use a fluoroscope. He just has me lay down on the couch and feels around and then injects me, so if there is a problem with this band, will he actually be able to tell???

Anyway, I have decided to be pro active about it. I had a chat with M today who was my 'lap band - bunk buddy' in Brugge and she uncannily had the EXACT same experience of the stitch in the same area after a bike workout at the gym. She said she nearly fainted with the pain. That's totally correct with me too. Her doc said she had pulled a muscle and her fill doctor said it really had nothing to do with the band. So she is still getting twinges all the time like me.

I am guessing that I must have pulled something big style when I surfed the stairs. Its only since being back in Blighty that I have had more pain, and specifically since I got back driving to work. I noticed it. So maybe that's the problem.

So odd that we both have the same pain though! I wonder if we both have spanners left inside us or some other horror story like that. I mean you do hear about that kind of thing. But I think after talking to her that its more likely to be muscular, and with all the chopping and re wiring that's gone on in there recently, and the stitches probably only just dissolved, that's why its hurting so much.

So I am gonna chill out and not stress. I am just going to get through it as best I can. When I rest it gets better (which says a lot about it being muscular again). I have put myself back on liquids just to rule out a problem with IBS or diverticulitic problems. It cant help to have a colon chokka block with food. Its all I can do.

I am having my 3rd fill on Thursday and I am booking my 4th fill for a couple of weeks time in Barnes. I am fed up with not losing weight and I need to boost it big style. If other people I know have had fills weekly, without a problem, then I cannot see that there is any problem with doing the same. I want results before I start to lose faith in this thing.

On a brighter note, I am so pleased Big Brother is back on. It started whilst I was away, but I recorded the housemates entry into the house and have caught up with what I missed whilst away. I love the show.

My favorites at the moment are Laura Tracey and Carole. Charlie is AWFUL. Enough said.

Sunday, 10 June 2007

A day to make one cudgel their brains

Had a bad day.

I have eaten a whole bag of fruit pastilles, 5 jaffa cakes, a club biscuit, 3 custard creme's and 3 slices of toast. I tried to have a jacket potato with prawns and salad for lunch, but I just ate the prawn jollop and a few leaves. I feel a bit sick.

I have been a bit down today. Can't really explain it. My brother moved into his first house yesterday and we went to see it today. Its lovely. It reminds me of our first house. DH had bought the house with his ex girlfriend a year before I met him. I moved in with him when we married... It was a bit of a heap, but I did it up as best I could. We didn't have any cash or anything and had to move just after we married as I was pregnant with DS.

My brothers place was expensive. Don't get me wrong, they could not have got anything cheaper other than a flat, so they stretched themselves and got this 2 up 2 down little mid terrace 1800's cottage which is lovely. Basically the same as our first place but in a different town. But.... It has been re plastered, wooden floored, stripped reclaimed pine doors, brick floor uncovered in kitchen, original fireplaces (2 of them!) both in open working order for snug nights in, brand new double glazed windows, working central heating, cute courtyard garden that is tastefully gravelled and honeysuckled and fig treed and rose bushed and 'victorian' wrought ironed. All the light fittings are 'period' style and cute. The bathroom has a lovely white suite and nice tiles. The kitchen is new and simply needs an open bottle of wine ad the smell of a roast to top it off.

I sound like I begrudge him it. I don't.

I just wonder when we will ever get a break. Our house still isn't finished and we have lived here for 6 years. They always seem to be endless money pits. All 3 of them have never been show house quality. Ever. My brothers is. Once he has put all his stuff away and found places to show off his junk (including the 7 or 8 antique trinket boxes and curios my mum has had in her bureau for the last 35 years which he has decided will look 'quaint' in his house and has simply taken - oh and a very old and probably valuable Japanese water colour), he will just have to kick back and watch the telly and drink a cold beer.

I think of the slog we still have to do on this gaff. It made me cry actually.

Some people lead seemingly charmed lives. My brother is one of them. I do everything on the level, work hard and pay my taxes as does DH. Give back to Caesar what is Caesar's etc. My brother is a cantacerous arse of the first order and everything falls into his lap effortlessly.

I am quite sure that their wedding will be wonderful and they will have 2 delightful children at exactly the right time for them and they will be perfect and healthy and they will have charmed lives too.

I can't help but be secretly peeved at my lack of luck.

I could go on and on about the complete opposites of our lives, my brother and I.

Think of something awful.... that's my families life.
Think of something jammy.... that's my brothers life!

You probably think I am being sensitive. I'm not.

Maybe one day I will be able to afford a house that is already 'done'. Mind you I couldn't live with my Mum and Dad for years stashing my cash away like he has been able to. I was married at 20 and had DS at 22.

I would change my life.

I know I should say I wouldn't change my life for the world, but I would. I love my husband and my son to bits and I would definitely change all of our lives for the better, if only I knew how.

Mind you, everything comes at a price. Maybe we have paid our's.

weigh in tomorrow. Can't be bothered to drive to slimmingworld, and seeing as I haven't been there for the last 3 weeks, I think I shall use the break to change to weighing at the chemists from now on.

I will let you know what the damage is tomorrow.

nighty night

Thursday, 7 June 2007

The Wanderer Returns!


Boo hoo.

Not feeling too good due to lack of sleep and body being completely disorientated.

My band held up well during the holiday. I don't think I have put on much weight, if any. I still feel the same and if the photo is anything to go by, doesn't look like I have either... so that's the main thing!

Sri Lanka was FABULOUS. Everyone should go there! Its an unbelievable place and the people are wonderfully warm and made us welcome like no other nation ever has. Anyone worrying about the Tamil problems or the effects after the Tsunami should just no worry. We felt safe and secure with all the police, army etc out and about on the streets (much more than in the UK!) and rather than being threatening it was actually a nice thing to see, and they smiled too!

The effects of the Tsunami were not visible at all really where we were. We travelled along the cost road (Galle Road) and the driver told us where it had come to and what had happened etc, but everything had been re built or was being re built. There was a little more obvious destruction nearer to Galle apparently, but it was again, mostly re built. If I hadn't known there had been a Tsunami, I would not have known if you get what I mean.

The hotel was wonderful and the staff were AMAZING. I would recommend this place to everyone.

Anyway, band wise, I ate everything, curry included! There was nothing I found aggravated my band and I have no incidents on the plane from swelling of the band or anything like that. I had no problems at all whilst I was there and I didn't feel deprived. I did not think about what I was eating, just ate when I was hungry, and I didn't have any guilt either. I had pudding most meals, and just ate what I fancied. There was always plenty left on my plate at the end of a meal and I felt contented in all respects.

I will weigh in on Monday 11th June and let you know how things have gone weight wise.
Check out my SO TANNED pic on the 'weight loss in photo's' link on the right.