Monday, 29 September 2008

Not bad

Ok, so I didnt wake up with £millions in the bank or a fine physique... yet anyway.

However, I am feeling * Not Bad *

This morning I went and got DS from Lotse and Csilla's where he had stayed for the weekend so we could do the hospital runs. Being Hungarian they are not too up to speed with the whole English education system of GCSE's, A Levels and NVQ's etc... so I spent an hour or so going over Their daughter Lili's possible education routes, had a coffee and come back home.
When I got home and it was about 12, and took a call from Mum saying that Dad was being moved to a 'normal' ward. I am in two minds about this. Its obviously good news because he is getting much better, but there again, the nurses swan around in their outdoor clothes and the cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired and its where he has picked up the previous 2 infections right? So its a bit of a catch 22.

Anyway, enough about all that rubbish, I am fed up with talking about it.

For lunch today I had home made carrot soup. In it was just carrot and onions and a bit of coriander, salt and pepper. I had 3lbs of carrots to use up, so made a whole cauldron of it last week. I also had a boiled egg with it too.

For a snack this afternoon I had an egg.

This evenings dinner is roast chicken (not for me!) and Broccoli, Romanesco, and cauliflower and potato and gravy. That's it. So I am being good.

I have also booked a fill for Sunday. Go me!

Bonjour my fruities!

I am feeling particularly *random* this evening.

My adoring Daddy has been moved to the High Dependency Unit (HDU). This is in fact good news. Normal visiting hours have returned rather than the "Come any time, day or night, because we just don't know if they are gonna make it" visiting hours of the Intensive Care Unit.

So Mum has moved back home too, after being put up this week by a lovely friend who lived just across the road from the hospital. This means that she can get back to some kind of normality too and do her usual day to day things etc.

Dad is still wildly hallucinating, but apparently is easily pacified. He gets really upset mainly about being sued because Mum had a massive argument with all the nurses and doctors and my brother kicking all the doors in... I stress that this did NOT actually happen, but he thinks it did and is expecting court papers. Mum has to either go along with it or calm him down... whatever she feels best at the time. I guess its a kind of cold turkey. No wonder drug addicts are so messed up man - he's tripping his socks off!

Thanks to all my band buddies who have left messages and posts and stuff. I really cherished those little words of help, thanks so much. It means a lot to me that other people are there if need be.

Onto my weight. Oh man, I am thinking about self mutilation as a last ditch attempt. I have worked out that if I chop my legs off I will weigh about 12 stone. Hmmm might be worth it. This morning I weighed in at a WHOPPING 16 stone 11. That's just terrible. I was 15 stone 7 before I went on holiday in May. I have put on a lot of weight since I had that fill removed, so its obvious to me that I still am not at the right restriction. To be honest, I don't have a lot of restriction right now. I can eat toast, pitta, meat and all kinds of everything that I could not do when I had a bit more fluid in my band.

I am at the tragic point where all this stuff with my Dad happened right on the week where I could have gone back to Harley street and got a top up for free, so if I go at the weekend, I am going to have to pay which makes me feel really crap. I am of course worried that something has gone wrong again simply because of the weight gain, and I am getting to the point where I don't know whether I can carry on or not.

I don't know whether I can continue with this band journey or not, sometimes I genuinely wonder about the blissful life I could have by having all of the fluid removed and just getting on with my life, overweight or not, until I am in a better place. I know that I will return to my normal weight of around 18 stone or something, but right now I just cant handle NOT losing weight, so its like I don't even want to try. If I try to lose weight and fail, then I feel worse than if I didnt bother trying.

It seems like just when I get up that little bit of extra will power, something happens. 2 weeks ago I joined Weightwatchers, and I did it really well all day and then Tuesday rolled around and my Dad was taken into hospital, so for the last 2 weeks I have just wanted to eat . Full stop. Today I got my period too, and am feeling heavy, bloated and in pain. I have spent most of the day in bed with what feels like a cold, but kind of isn't anything productive...yet. Headache, hot and just tired out.

Today's food... 1ltr Orange Juice, 1 500g tub yogurt, bowl of rice pudding and jam, half bar of dairy milk chocolate and a glass of wine. Rubbish.

I want to wake up tomorrow, given that my Dad is on the road to recovery, with renewed energy, serious will power, and motivation to sort my fat out. I feel absolutely horrible. Eating high fat, sugary foods does not make me feel better at all. I don't know what I do it and I want to stop.

If I could wave a magic wand and have one wish granted right now it would be to make me satisfied eating less than 1000cals a day because it will make me a happier person, able to complete my daily duties rather than moping about depressed (apart from £several million in the bank, health and happiness for the universe and that kind of thing...)

With what has happened to my Dad and things that have happened to people I know, the awful things that go on in this world and even some serious other issues in my life that I don't write about here, you would think that I could get some darn perspective, but I can't!!! At the end of the day, this is my life and this is my problem and it doesnt matter what happens to anyone else in the world right now.

To be honest, that is why I havent written much on my blog. Every time I think I want to write in my blog, I end up feeling guilty for writing about such a petty problem (in the eyes of most other people I guess). Lets face it, being fat is seriously petty problem considered with cancer or warfare right? But, at the moment I really need to talk about it. I need to feel rubbish about my weight and mourn my weight gain. Gaining a stone since I had my fill removed has made me feel like someone in my family has died. I MOURN my weight loss. Litteraly. I just dont know how else to put it. I know that makes me look shallow and like I am totally unconsiderate of others, but I need to focus on me and how I feel right now. I am fed up with dealing with other problems or feeling bad about my own insignificant worries when actually to me they are the biggest problems in my life.

If my Mum wrote a blog, then she would have her problems laid out on view. Likewise others would do the same. I know that I should think "Wow, people are dying etc and this is all I have to worry about", but I can't seem to get that perspective. This being fat thing is a huge deal to me, and I feel guilty to some extent banging on about how awful I feel because I am fat. But I guess if I had a long nose, or club feet or a hump back or some other physical flaw, then that would pervade my life in the same way. I would wish to change that. I really can change the fact that I am fat - just by not eating. The equation is simple so why is putting pen to paper and writing the answer so DAMN difficult?

Why is it that when I feel upset about my weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when I lose weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when something happens that is terrible, I want to eat?
Why? What makes me this way?

I was trying to figure out why some people have the CAPACITY to eat, and do pig out, but don't get fat. It must be because they are not driven by emotional need. Others have the EMOTIONAL NEED to eat and don't get fat because they don't have the capacity to eat too much of the wrong thing at one time or over and over again. And why do some people have the CAPACITY & EMOTIONAL NEED?

It seems to me that anyone with both these PHYSICAL (capacity) and MENTAL (emotional need) states is Obese.

Lets fact it, we have all seen a scrawny bint completely pigging out at Pizza Hut or (like my brother) eating donuts for breakfast and lunch daily, but not putting on an ounce.

We have all seen a skinny mate crying about a lost boyfriend eating the contents of the fridge and wiping their chocolate covered mouth on the back of their hand.

But seemingly these people never do this ALL THE TIME. My brother, I have noticed will eat cakes for breakfast, have donuts for lunch and go home to a bacon sandwich, but when he gets full, he stops. Dead. He doesn't snack. When he is full he is full. That's it. So when you actually add up the cals he takes in in any one day, it only ever comes to about 2000. He eats NO vegetables, NO fruit, NO full meals. His eating is the most rubbish that I have ever come across, yet he is 6ft 4 and weighs in at 12 stone. Most likely Underweight!

What is this category? He doesn't have the capacity, nor does he have the Emotional Need. He is the category DEVOID, in that he eats to fuel his body only.

So there seems to be 4 categories.

DEVOID - those who do not have the capacity to stuff themselves stupid. Those who do not/rarely have the emotional need to stuff themselves stupid.
CAPACITY - Those who have the capacity to stuff themselves, and do so on occasion. Those who do not have an emotional need to stuff themselves - the absence of which means these people are not heavily overweight.
EMOTIONAL NEED - Those who have an emotional need to overeat, and do so only occasions of that emotional need. Those who do not have the capacity to overeat to the extreme regularly.
UNBALANCED - Those who have both the capacity to overeat and the emotional need to overeat. One drives the other resulting in heavy overweight.

I have a friend who, when its her TOTM, or having a bad week at work, or an argument with her boyf, will go out for coffee and cakes and eat kids sweets and a bottle of wine, box of chocolates and really blow out and then doesn't gain weight because its not a lifestyle thing. Its a once in a blue moon. Normally she wont eat the next day because she is too stuffed from her overindulgence. There is nothing about guilt or anything like that.

Obviously there are fine differences between these groups but as a broad brush stroke, i think everyone could put themselves in one of them to a large degree.

I doubt anyone who has capacity and emotional need to overeat is thin. In fact I double dare them to tell me they are! I think as 'fatties' we are on a perpetual struggle. Its the mixture of physical and mental (dare I say problems) that give us our terrible situation. I thoroughly believe that it is NOT my fault that I am fat. I have a problem, or a syndrome or something. It makes me feel sick when some (usually very thin!!!!) people tell me that I can just sort myself by eating correct portions etc. I wish some serious scientists/doctors would actually try and work out what this is. I seriously think that they are onto something when they make a drug that curbs appetite (the Capacity problem) or a drug that makes us feel better like Prozac (the Emotional problem) but has anyone who has taken these drugs (I have) actually felt their appetite curbed, or better in mind frame enough to not want to eat their cadburys chocolate bar?

I don't think so.

There HAS to be a way to combat the deadly mixture of these two horrible things. For people with both Capacity and Emotional eating problems, its not going to be enough just to fix one or the other. There needs to be a wonder pill that makes us maybe radically NOT LIKE food, or for it to taste bad, whilst also curbing the appetite properly. Now, that is a drug that I would take any day.

Ask someone from the DEVOID category what they like about the dinner they are eating, and they will reply (more or less) "nothing". They don't get pleasure out of eating at all. The people of this category are always slim. Funny that.

Ask the UNBALANCED about what they like about their meal... you might want to get comfortable for some time!

Right now, I know that I am full, but I could SO eat a plate of singapore noodles and sweet and sour sauce! Wow, I need to go to bed before I do myself some more damage.

Being fat for me, truly is a form of self harm by proxy. I have to admit I often eat to punish myself. Oh my God I am a psycho.

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

My Dad is really really really REALLY ill.

Dunno where to start, but I guess the beginning. Here goes.

Run down of stuff:
Wednesday 10th September - Reversal of illiostomy after cancer of the rectum (Bowel Cancer)

Sunday 14th September - He had his 1st turn out in 6 months, which apparently was great!

Monday 15th September - Released from Hospital.

  • Evening - pain in side and shoulder
  • Night - could not sleep, excruciating pain
Tuesday 16th September - went to GP, was evidently not well, put into a side room, put on oxygen and laid down. 999 called and ambulanced to hospital sirens blaring

  • Evening - A&E dept. given morphine to help pain. temperature, low BP, high pulse/heart rate obvious signs of infection as his body was in shock. Wound opened and blood & puss pour out and even spray my mother in the face!
  • Night - wound stitches removed and scar opened up. A large amount of puss, blood and faeces removed from abdominal cavity through site of old stoma
Wednesday 17th September - Stabilised, but critical. Morphine given. Surgery given at 3:30pm to see what is going on, clean up and either fix reversal operation, give a new temporary loop illiostomy, or a permanent end colostomy. Told would be kept anaesthetised for 2 to 3 days.

  • Night - Brought back from surgery straight to Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at approx 7pm. Completely our for the count on Life Support machine with respirator and 14 automatic drug administrators and untold monitors.
Thursday 18th September - In ICU - no change

Friday 19th September - In ICU -no change. Further surgery to wash out abdominal cavity and check for further localised infection. Anesthetic switched off at 6pm and put on heavy morphine. Wake up begins - or should do.

Saturday 20th September -In ICU - no change, still asleep. Very slight awareness to family voices. scrunching of eyebrows, especially to DS's voice and Mums.

Sunday 21st September - ICU - Nurses tried to wake him up by stopping morphine. Came around slightly but in obvious chronic discomfort, so morphine substitute re-introduced. Completely out of it, seemingly more asleep than before.

Monday 22nd September - ICU - STILL has raging temp, low BP, high pulse/heart rate and cannot breathe on his own - just small changes in awareness only. raising arms without particular control and raising eye lids a little although heavy towards family members. wriggling in bed, moving legs, but very obviously drugged movements like someone who is brain damaged.
Tuesday 23rd September - ICU - turn for the worse. Less movements, not absorbing food through the tube any more and excess building up in his stomach and going bad, having to be regularly pumped out. Food only being fed intravenously now. Still aware Mum there, but observations were not good. seems as if he does not get on with the morphine alternative, so put back on morphine. Possible lung infection, possible stomach infection. Tests

So I am a bit jiggered to be honest.

Also on Thursday, Felix (aka Dodgy) one of Mary's kittens she had back in May was savaged by the next door neighbours dog. He has broken ribs, broken pelvis, puncture wounds, pneumo-thorax and other associated shock problems, but is thankfully out of the woods.
Sue (our lodger) is £415 lighter and he has spent the last 2 nights in the Maternity cum Intensive Care caravan on the front drive. However, he had to move into the main quarters today as Mary gave birth this afternoon and evening to 6 lovely kittens. They are all yummy.
Here is a video of number 5's birth. They are a proper mixture. 2 are black and white tuxedo style and the rest are a tabby blend. One is a grey tabby and the others are varying degrees of tabby right down to black with grey go faster stripes down the side! 5 girls and 1 boy!

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Hectic random musings

Lots have happened this week.

A round up...

We lost young Josh (I think I mentioned that before) and immediately advertised for a new housemate. We found one and Nicky has moved in. She is really nice. She is Korean and learning English at a school in the city. So every day is a delight for her as she tries something new - mainly in the food category, but everything English overwhelms her. She is so pleased to be able to stay in a 'typical English home'... Yeah! Laugh your heads off..that's right, typical. I think I would go for 'Crazy' or 'Bloody Mad' English family to be honest!

Anyhow, she is in, paid up and life is sweet on that score againthankfully as suddenly losing £320 a month overnight tends to put the willies up One!

Work - it's been fine, but I have noticed that I dread Wednesdays. This is because I have a family of acute nerds who in my opinion should:
a.) get personalities
b.) get social skills
c.) get some furniture (instead of having one small sofa and a massive Yamaha ONLY in a 25 x 14ft room!)
d.) get personalities
e.) and other stuff!

So, it was obviously with deep joy that yesterday rolled around after having a most beautiful 6 week rest from what must be the most inane geeky family in the world.

It had actually got mildly more bearable about a month before the holidays, when the mother of said geek family, actually stopped her lessons because she had too much work on. So, when I arrived at their empty chasm of an abode yesterday, I was thrilled when she told me she was starting again. Frankly, I would've liked to have known that I had to sqeeze an extra half hour into my schedule before hand, but there we go. So I smiled sweetly and thought of the fat cheque.

To be honest, the lesson actually went well, because I was dreading it. Yesterday morning, I sat down with DH and we had a massive chat about it. I was all for slinging in the towel (as I did not know that Mother wanted to kick start again!), but he said that maybe I should just regain control by putting them a little bit out of their comfort zones. Hmmm thinks I. This could work. I actually felt really good when I told each one, turn after happy turn, that we would be doing something different and not just sticking to the stuff they liked/was easy for them. It went surprisingly well.

When I feel in control, I feel ok about my job, but some of the upstarts I teach like to tell ME how it is. Obviously I have only been doing this for 13 Years... what do I know right? Anyway, long story short, yesterday was full of little mini victories for me. So I will endeavour to focus on the whole pay cheque thing, and just teach them, and not try not to groan outwardly when I sit for 2 hours on a hard stool and teach 4 people who have no opinion, or spark, or conversation, or passion for what they are learning and indeed paying for.

Also, yesterday my Dad had his reversal operation. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer back in the spring, remember? Well yesterday he had his colostomy bag reversed, and yesterday evening was sitting up in bed eating tomato and cheese sandwiches and ice cream with a big white bandage over the bit where the stoma has been these last 6 months. He is delighted. I have no idea when he gets out of hospital, but its not the big operation like it was last time thank goodness.

So, foodwise and bandwise...
Dunno. I have been sick a couple of times this week. I have been pretty good with my eating, no crap like crisps or biscuits or wine...
trying to remember my food for the week is hard. Yesterday I made ratatouille and rice for lunch, and in then evening we had fish and chips. I had 1/4 piece of cod, 6 chips, 1/2 sausage and 1/2 fish cake. I was actually full about 10 mins into the meal, but it was so yummy I cheated a little and followed every mouthful with a little sip of orange juice so that it made it wetter and would slip down. I know that's REALLY naughty, and I wont do it again, but it proves to me that I have restriction, and more than I did before Sunday's fill! I think I do have the restriction just about right now. I am gonna try and stop freaking that I haven't, because I honestly think I am about right. I am still 0.2ml below my highest fill level, so I think this could be about it, as I don't want to go back to where I was before!

After yesterdays dinner I felt horrid. I felt really bloated and awful. I lay in bed and I actually had tummy pain like I needed an alka seltzer, so that kind of food is just not doing it for me. So its back to meat and 3 veg again. I am not even going shopping tomorrow because I physically cannot get anything more in my cupboards or freezer. Its got to the point where I am going to the supermarket out of habit rather than necessity, so I am going to make what I can out of what we have for a week or so.

Tuesday! I remember now, I made purple sprouting soup followed by roast duck and green vegetables. I was sick after this meal.

Today, I don't know. it will have to be an oven job because of the schedule for today, and everyone will eat much earlier than me. I think I will make a quiche and salad. Easy peasy, and they can serve themselves then.

So that's just about it. I am taking Steven to the vet in half an hour to get his mini pom poms removed as he has taken to peeing on beds and washing and starting all that territorial 'Man Cat' rubbish. Hes a little young, but I just cant have cat pee on beds. NO NO NO.

My scales have run out of battery so I have no idea how I am doing since Sunday, and I am not going to worry until Sunday to get a good reading, so there we go. Over and out.

Post Script
After reading through this to check for errors, it has flagged up to me that I keep trying to PROVE the band. This has lead to my dawning realisation that if I keep trying to prove the band, I am over eating and therefore not going to lose weight. I can PROVE the band is ok by just eating normally and seeing the weight drop off. I have no idea why this hasn't dawned on me before, but now it has.

Resolution: I am gonna eat normally and prove my restriction is right by my weight loss, rather than keep eating until I feel I need to be sick. That's just plain madness!

Monday, 8 September 2008


Its so cold in this house. My fingertips are blue.

Yesterday I went for another fill. I had 0.3mls put in. This takes me to 6.3ml in my band.

I cant say that I feel a whole lot different, but I am not sure...

This is such a surreal thing. I know what 'way to tight' feels like. I know what 'oh so slack' feels like. What I have now is I think different to a few days ago... but I'm not sure.

Hmmm. I will monitor it for a few days and see.

Today's intake:
1 wholemeal pitta with cheese and onion sandwich filler
1 bowl tomato soup and 2 slices bread and butter
spaghetti carbonara and a green salad.
Vanilla fromage frais.

I have not been hungry between meals. I feel full and satisfied, but able to complete my meal. I have not been sick.

Hopefully this is it. I am slightly panicky that my band is broken... not because I actually think it is, but because in some strange sense I felt that when I was choking on every meal at least I knew the band was there, whereas now I am eating, albeit gingerly, adequate amounts. I am worried that something will go wrong, I guess because I have put on weight. I have put on 8 pounds in the last 4 weeks. 2 pounds a week since I had my really restrictive fill taken out. That's stressed me out a hell of a lot.

I just hope being back to work, coupled with 0.3ml will sort me out for a while. I don't think I can face another drive to London this month!

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Ok, I have chilled a little

Right, maybe I was so damn moody because I got the dreaded curse again. What is with that? I wish I could take a pill and it would just go away forever. I hate it. Its like every week! It seems I just start to forget about the last awful episode and feel a bit better again and then WHAM! The painters are in again. Its not fair. I wish I was a man!

Anyway, like I said, I have actually chilled a little today. There is little point trying to punish myself when most of the weight gain could possibly (here's hoping) be down to the curse.

So today I did some shopping and went to the cinema and saw Get Smart... kinda funny in places, but not as good as it could have been. Quite tragically cheesy. Had lots of familiar faces in it though... some bloke from WWF or Gladiators or something, the guy from Evan almighty, and what looked like Warf from Star trek, and also a bloke I am SURE has been on James bond.

anyway, that's it really. Oh, and an Albanian guy has looked around the room... GULP.

Fat and f*&%ed off

I am serious annoyed.

This morning, after a drink and fully dressed I weigh 16 stone 3.


I have already booked another fill for Sunday, but got I am depressed.

I have decided that I have to take 1 day at a time. Stick to healthy eating each day and not look too far ahead. If I think to myself in 1 week I hope to lose 2 pounds... etc then things seem to go rubbish.

I am gonna just try to eat day by day and not worry about stuff.

I was 15 stone 7 a while ago... this feels like crap. REAL crap. Just shows how much restriction the band can give you because I have put on 9 pounds since being unfilled 3 and a half weeks ago. OH MY GOODNESS!!! That is horrendous.

I am listening to Nirvana's unplugged album that I got for our anniversary on Saturday. Its wicked, but is sadly not lifting my mood much! All that angst and stuff

What is with those lyrics man...

Underneath the bridge
tarp has sprung a leak
the animals are trapped
they've all become my pets
feed em up with grass
and the drippings from the ceiling
Its ok to eat fish
'cos they don't have any feelings.

What a load of TRIPE. I used to think it was all so full of meaning, but its just a pile of crap.


I have just printed off all my pupils contracts for this year and put my prices up by a poxy 25p. like that's gonna help! that's like an extra £8 a week. WOOOoooooooo!

I feel miserable.

I hate being fat