Thursday, 31 July 2008

Booking an unfill

I have taken a fellow bandit's advice and have requested to have some fluid out of my band.

This goes against everything I feel should happen with the band. I honestly thought that you just gradually get topped up and up and up etc and you slowly starve yourself thin. Extreme, but there is not a lot of info about exactly HOW it works for real.

I have heard about how people get to their sweet spot etc, but I just thought they had been filled enough and were losing weight.

Paying someone to TAKE precious fluid out of my band seems crazy in my mind, but I know that I have to stop thinking that. I am too tight. Eating is a chore. I am all consumed with food, and I am thinking about nothing else other than eating or the lack of and this is making me feel like absolute rubbish.

Been looking back at my weight loss chart and I was going really well on 6.1mls, but had noticed the scales slowing down. My reaction was to get a little bit put in. Well 6.6mls is too much for me. Eating is a misery and a torture. I eat one mouthful and then cant have any more... this means that sometimes I don't even taste everything on my plate! I can cheat it a little bit. If I eat slowly to0 start with and then follow it with very wet food, I can eat more. But only in the evening. I very rarely eat before lunch time and today I ate my first thing at 3pm. That was a pot noodle. Nice and nutritious huh? Its wet, and slips down. That's what I am doing, just eating easy things and normally that means calories.

I would give anything just to be normal, and basically that 0.5mls has made too much difference. So I emailed Michelle at the WLSgroup today to book an appointment to take some fluid out. I cant do this any more. I feel exhausted from thinking about food; throwing it away kills me, eating it kills me, not eating enough is killing me, binging on junk is killing me.

I have not lost a bean for ages and I know its because I am trying to make myself feel better with food... food like chocolate and crisps which I can eat.

So will, keep you posted.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

P'd off

Not in the mood. Completely pissed off with myself.

I cant believe we are the end of July and I have lost nothing basically since MAY.

Oh what the hell is wrong with me?

I feel shit. Cystitis is killing me slowly, as are the stupid ,ind games I play with myself. I just need to relax and let life happen. If I could, I think I would inject lard into my veins... such is the self sabotaging of my stupid fat ass!


What a screw up. I am even considering forgetting the bloody band as eating is a joke. I just cant handle it, and I am thinking about having all the fluid out and just having a normal life for a bit. I just don't know what to do because on the other hand I really do like the fact that I weigh less and stuff, and look better bla bla. Being slimmer doesn't seem to be making me as happy as I thought it would, or even as happy as I was last year in the initial weightloss phase before it broke.

The band break is still well and truly with me. I have not got over it. I am so wound up about how this works for everyone else and even the people who had the operation in November for the first time have lost like 60 pounds or something.

I feel very fucking sorry for myself.

Today's food & drink intake:

1 coffee
1 bag of 'Skips' style crisps in a party size bag
1 coffee
2 jelly babies
2 pints of water
1 pint of squash and potassium citrate liquid
Salad - comprising lettuce, beetroot, potato, coleslaw & a bite of quiche
2 pints of water

I feel as miserable as sin, and I hate the band. I just want to eat. I want to eat so badly.

I wish I had had the bypass.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Gaining inspiration

I have not been in the mood to be kid to my weightloss since coming back from Malta. I dunno why... Just haven't. I still expect the scales to tell me I lost weight each week, no matter how much shite I put down my neck!

Anyway, I am still 15stone 9 pounds (219lbs) as of this morning. I really want to get this moving now. I only have a couple of weeks before my brothers wedding, and I know that I wont be able to do much, but I will be able to do a couple of pounds and then spend the rest of the summer on track so that I look fabulous in September for the new term, which will also mean I have to get new clothes at last because my winter stuff will all be massive.

to gain inspiration I am looking through old photo albums and having a look at the fattest me. I have a particular horror of me on holiday in France. Fags on the table, bottle of wine and a pile of blubber. I will see if I can scan then and upload them to a gallery of shame, which will be very good for the soul.

You will all be pleased to know that I have got chronic cystitis once again. Ergh. I just hate the draining dragging and constant need to go to the loo, not to mention pain. So as I cant actually afford Oasis or Cystopurin as they are so bloody expensive and taste like that cranberry shit too... I bought a bottle of Potassium citrate. Exactly the same stuff but lemon flavour! YAY. This is much better and only £1.90 a bottle which will do me for ages. there must be at least 40 doses in that one bottle as opposed to 6 or something lame in the boxes of Oasis.

I mean what a rip off! I never heard of Potassium Citrate liquid!!! All these years and this is the first time someone went "what about a cheaper version?".

So, there we go.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Day two of no wine

OMG, I was seriously fancying a glass of vino last night. That's completely worrying isn't it! Thankfully the urge lasted about as long as my old diets, and coffee did the trick.

Yesterday was not a bad day. I didn't eat anything until lunch time when I had some clear chicken broth that Csilla made on Sunday. In the evening we had a BBQ. I did Frikadellen and bratwurst, salad and a jacket potato. I managed 2/3rd of a frik, 1/4 jacket potato, 1/2 bratwurst and a little salad. I was last to finish, but didn't have to puke.

I was naughty though as I did have some ice cream. Eismann came yesterday and I bought some Big Cheesecake Mary Lou ice creams... MMMMmmmmm. So, oops, but there we go. Not bad when your not having anything else.

Today, I decided to sell my MG. I have put it on eBay. I was going to do a swap at a garage for a Peugeot. Yesterday everything looked great, but today, the car didn't look so hot as it had yesterday and I noticed that it needed a new front headlamp, and it has been in a smash as the rear driver side door was completely new and re-sprayed. Also someone at one time or another had tried to break into it, so it was a bit bent on the door lock. Yesterday it was go. today it was Ummm... maybe not. So I went with the old guts and decided not to do it. Also I was going to be losing about 2K on my MG doing a swap, so I am chancing it on eBay.

However, this means that I shall shortly be looking for a new car to buy. I want it to be newish, but either diesel or a small engine petrol. We shall see.

Today I had some rice and onion rings for lunch. Not a usual choice, but Csilla made it. Its doesn't seem to matter if you say "yes please" or "no thanks", you get it anyway. Its going to be sad when they move out on Friday, but at least we wont have to ingest a tonne of lard each day.

Been speaking to a fellow bandit, and I think that I am in the same place and possibly need an unfill. I really am not psychologically happy about that, because its gonna cost me £85 to have fluid out. Then what if I need some more back in? Another £85 and I haven't got it. I am so scared of having fluid out and being able to eat more, but on the other hand its doing me no good eating shit.

So, will have a good hard think about it. I think basically I either have to get more dedicated to mastication, or have an unfill.


Monday, 21 July 2008

Stale mate

I really thank you for you comments, and I totally agree. I am back in the whole "its easier to stay as things are" phase again.

I haven't put on weight this week, nor have I gained any thank God. I deserve to though. I have had numerous bottles of wine, including the sweet Tokaj wine from Hungary which I love and a whole bar of cadburys dairy milk and sweets and crisps galore.

What I need to do is get into a routine. I don't have a food that I can routinely eat and not be ill with, but this week I have had a lot less problems with HMS'ing.

I have had to HMS twice, no, three times that I can remember. 2 were yesterday. I had one of those snack pots like Philadelphia with bread sticks but it was actually french toast and tomato salsa and cheese or something which they called a Brushetta Snack. I would use that phrase loosely to be honest, but I followed just 1 'brushetta' with a mouthful of pesto pasta ad it sat there and I had to get rid of it. Then yesterday evening we had a massive meal cooked by the Hungarian section of the family - chicken soup followed by breaded meat filled pancakes with herb potatoes followed by Bakewell tart made by Sue. Wow, there was no way I could eat all that. I had the soup which was thin chicken stock basically with little bits of pasta floating in it, then I had half a pancake and 1/4 of a potato. Then I had to HMS. Then I had a spoonful of custard and a taste on the tip of my tongue of bakewell tart. That was yesterday.

I find that in the morning I cant eat anything to be honest. If I do, it just gives me grief with burping and that heavy stuck feeling on my chest. Lunch I can usually manage something like soup or dairylea dunkers eaten slowly or a little pasta with a wet sauce. Dinner I can do. I cant do much of it, but I can at least do it.

What I am trying to do is eat too much. I don't need a fill, I just need to forget the way I used to and want to eat. Its impossible and just makes me miserable. If I struggle to eat all day, by the end of the day I ALWAYS will have something foodie to make myself feel better like wine, or chocolate or ice cream, and this has got to stop.

I figure that if I stop trying to be a fucking idiot and eat what I know I CAN eat, then by the evening I will feel good about the days eating and not feel like I want to have a sugar fest.

This week, I am going to make a concerted effort to just eat what I know I can and not be a prick and try and eat a whole pancake or even a half! I had to admit that I am writing this revelation as I am chocking on a bite of gluten free pancake made by DS and Lili the Hungarian. They wanted me to try their master piece, and I regret it. So I am going to HMS and then just go with the flow. I am also not going to have wine until my brothers wedding as I expect that I will lost 2 dress sizes just cutting out that crap.

I am under no stress now, work has finished for the summer hols and I am at home all day doing what I love best... nothing! So I am going to get my head together and work my arse off to make sure that next summer I am a scrawny bint.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

I have hit the wall

I have dreams about NOT having my band. I dream I can eat whatever I want and I can eat it quickly. Donuts especially.

I am in a real mess guys. I have no will power left and all I can think about is BLOODY FOOD.

I don't need it... I WANT it. I just keep wanting something tasty, something savory, something sweet... just anything.

I need some advice to help me psychologically about this as its my mind doing overtime.

Here are some things that I think are niggling me and making me want food:

Money - just worried non specifically about not having enough really
My pupils exam results - especially a grade 8 student
Finishing work for the summer - on Saturday I wrap up for the year... which also brings us back to money or the lack of for 6 weeks.
DS's home education - next year its year 5 work. VERY worried about his handwriting.
My brothers wedding on 9th August and what I will look like, feel like and who I will be seen by (eg B'hurst People from school who I haven't seen for years and who last saw me at 9 stone something and don't want to look like a fat gone to pot, let myself go mother - which indeed I am!)
About the amount of people in the house - 8! Us three and Sue, Lotse, Csilla, Lilli and Trish and the fact that people are living on our drive in a caravan for heavens sake and we only have 1 loo in the whole house!
My hair. It's awful.

Theres a starter for you... come on then, sort me out.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Sorry to have been A.W.O.L.

Man, so much has been going on, and I have also had a new graphics card installed into my PC meaning I can at last play Sims2 YEAH! which is taking up and incredible amount of time... who knew I was that tragic huh?

Well, since being home I have managed to shift another bit of the holiday flab. I am now 15 stone 8 and a half pounds (218.5lbs) so a my tracker bar says up the top that's 33.5 pounds lost totally.

I have been having a seriously hard time since getting back. Eating has been a complete pain in the arse. Its just so annoying. The other totally annoying thing is that you CAN eat a load of shit like crisps, sweets and ice cream and wine. Great.

So I have been pretty good considering I can eat all that junk but have chosen not to.

So my Dad's cancer... Its all gone apparently so that's cool, but he went to see them on Friday and was hoping he would get a date for his colostomy reversal operation and that it could all be done before my brothers wedding on the 9th August. Sadly no. Its gonna be another couple of months yet. His MRSA has still not entirely healed up and its still weeping from the wound occasionally, so they wont even touch him if that's still there. So he was proper upset. Didn't help things that on Saturday I have my first Piano concert and recital for all my pupils. It was posh dress etc (pic of me and DS playing Darth Vader's Imperial March above on a wonderful grand piano!). Just after the concert finished my dads bag came apart. Its so ironic. they give him a new type of bag that will be easier to deal with and he can hopefully kind of forget about having it, and then it goes and breaks. Not leaks... breaks! Can you believe it? So they change it and its all a bit rubbish for him and stuff, but they deal with it.

We got home and we were just off to bed when Mum came dashing in saying the new bag had broken too! What?!?! We looked at the 3rd bag they brought just in case and it came apart in my hands. Poor Dad. So we had to phone the hospital and they sent the district nurse out. We had all had wine and beer, and none of us could drive so we had to sit and wait for her to come and she didn't get here till 3am. Bless her for it though as otherwise we would have had to tape a plastic bag to him!

Its not the cancer that is the problem with him, its the horrible side effects of the surgery. I mean, the last thing you want is a dodgy batch of bags on top of cancer and MRSA right? Jeeez.

Today he is back at the hospital to have the result of the biopsy on his tongue. He has an inch and a half chopped out of that the other week, so hopefully that will be good news. I don't think I can deal with any more. They seemed to think its a benign tumour, but who knows until you get down and test the thing right?

So the mill has been grinding for all of us rather a lot recently.

The concert went really well even though I was shitting myself. I played Bach's prelude in C Major and my sister played Gounod's Ave Maria on the cello as a duet and it was fabulous.

All my pupils played their bits so well and it was just wonderful.

So today I am back on track and I am going to try and have a good weight loss week. My bro's wedding is in 4 weeks, so I am going to try and at least be at my lowest weight again for that... which is 15 st 6 I think. Totally do-able.