Friday, 30 November 2007

Another day, another choke...

This morning I made a mistake.

I always ALWAYS have coffee in the morning. Its my first instinct when I open my eyes to seek out coffee from the nearest source. I drink a cup practically before drawing breath... so when i DIDN'T do that this morning and decided to take my tablets (Codeine, Prozac, paracetamol and multi vitamins) with ice cold straight from the fridge orange juice a problem ensued.

I know we should all take pills with water, but I don't get it. I have always taken them with coffee. So this morning as I gobbled down my hitherto untroublesome tablets I felt it... the pain and heaviness...

I was burping and gurgling and hiccuping and spitting and having a HORRID time with DH punching my back to help it feel better.. when I puked up one of my pills. It took a while for this to happen, but it was a relief when it did. I had to leave my orange juice for later and sipped at a warm coffee and when I had managed to get the cup down (by 11:30) I decided to try the pills again. This time they went down fine. I threw my 2 slices of cold toast in the veg bin as I just wasn't hungry after all that. Its funny how the chokes make me feel full. I never expected that.

When I had a sort of episode before I had this sorted out, it never made me feel full. I guess its where the lining of the stomach is irritated or something. I am not knocking it at any rate! Its working at LAST thank GOD! I will remember to have a drink of something before I take my tablets in future. I think it helps it not be so tight in there to be honest.

So I made some lunch around 1:30 and it was Pasta and one of them stir in sauce things. went down ok and filled me up. I also have had 5 German lebkuchen. I don't know how much they are calorie wise... but I have put 60 each. I haven't a clue though to be honest. They were home baked by our new lodger Carina's Mum. They are scrummy. She is a really sweet girl too which is nice.

So today's food:
75 grams of pasta (dry weight) and 1/3rd of a pot of dolmio sauce
5 biscuits.

That's the lot so far, and I am not hungry yet either.

TB is making a paella for us tonight. We are due over there at about 6:30 so looking forward to that. S (TB's daughter and my adopted sister) is going back to Russia tomorrow so we are all going to be sad later :o(

Especially DS. He loves her to death. Hopefully with the arrival of Carina, he will have his mind taken off of it for a little while. We are going to Moscow in 3 weeks now anyway, so we can always use that line I guess!

So dinner tonight is going to be paella. I don't know how much I will consume, but its pretty stodgy so I guess not much. We shall see.

Thursday, 29 November 2007

Another day on my journey

Breakfast: 100g granola with apple and blackberries, and skimmed milk
Lunch: 85g of boiled pasta (this is half of a standard portion), passata and 5g of Parmesan
Dinner: 2 potato croquettes, 1/4 cheese and onion quiche and green beans.

1200 cals.

It is a heavy day because of the Granola which was over 350 cals on its own. I needed it though as I have done a spring clean (not sure if its late, or early...?) on the house. I even washed the shower curtain!

Today I did ALL the washing (6 loads) and all the drying and my whole house smells like lenor. I am currently on the last load, which is just a massive quilt... I cant seem to get it dry so I am going to drape it over some chairs next to the radiator in the hope that it will.

I have done so much housework today, I actually got up a sweat. I don't think I have ever had sweat dripping off me before. I really felt the need to CLEAN and be CLEANSED.

Everything is lovely, every room and it took me all day long. *blows fringe out of eyes*

My port area feels pretty fine considering. Its quite sore actually from where I had the crash (seat belt injury I think) but other than that its fine. I know everything's still connected which is my main worry! I didn't have a choke today, but I was really hungry at about 4 when I realised I had missed my lunch, so I started to eat my pasta too quickly, and I felt it. I let it rest and then I could finish my meal. As it was I only ate half of the plate. Cool.

I have noticed I am better having a big breakfast rather than a big dinner. This may seem obvious, but one doesn't get this size without having a few rogue eating problems, and one of mine was definitely eating late. It still is to be honest, but I don't have a lot of choice in that respect, but I DO have a choice of what I eat at this time. I am finding that in the evening I am not actually that hungry. I eat my dinner, don't get me wrong, but I am not starving like I use to be. Things seem to have turned around... I am hungry in the morning (never used to be) so I seem to be having granola or porridge and stuff quite a bit more than I ever used to.

Today's excitement?

We have our lodger arriving tonight. YAY. Money!
She is arriving at the airport and we are picking her up and she will be with us till the beginning of March. She is coming to do a course for 3 months as shes only 18 and her Mum and Dad thought she would be better renting a room with a family rather than be on her own. Seems like a nice girl. We shall see!

Other than that, I found out my new car is classed as a disabled car for taxation, so I have to trek all the way to a DVLA office to change the taxation class on it before I can get my tax. Why is NOTHING in my life just easy?

Another little loose snagged thread in the tapestry of my life is that I found out today I cannot drive other peoples cars under my insurance policy. Every other policy I have EVER had I have been able to do this. But no, apparently not. So this means I cannot use my friend's car that she so kindly said I could borrow until mine is taxed etc. It was only brought to my attention today and I have had the policy for 11 months!!! So I am as immobile today as I was yesterday, and I might as well not bother taxing the car until next week as then its a new month.

I am trying to think of something cool that happened today to balance it all out, but nothing springs to mind. That's life!

Wednesday, 28 November 2007


This week, yes just this week, I have lost a staggering

This is the most weight I have EVER lost in 1 week and I am totally flabbergasted.

I got on the scales this morning and I actually screamed - out loud - when it told me the wonderful blessed news. I got on another 4 or 5 times just to be sure.

So my couple of bad days, actually weren't that bad for me obviously.

However, talking about bad days... What is wrong with my family huh? We are just such a lucky bunch aren't we.

The insurance company phoned me up this morning and told me the news that it was a total loss. Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just what I need. They then told me they would give me £700 for it. *sad pathetic sigh of the royally shat on* and then told me it was subject to my excess which was £520. Well what did I expect...? Miracles? So I am getting £180 back for my lovely car which I paid £2000 for.

I am not bothering with fully com insurance any more. I cant be bothered. What is the point seriously? I would have been better saving £150 a year on my car insurance and putting it in a savings account. I would actually have had more money that way. So I am going 3rd party only on my next nadger. If I bought a new new car it would be worth it, but I only drive a banger. I bought a new car today. £300. Its actually a better car than my old one, but a bit older. Its done less miles and the body work is metallic and in a great condition with no dents. Mine had quite a few bumps and bruises on it as it really was just a run about. But it was MY runabout and I really liked it. You get sort of used to it don't you. So I will just have to adjust to this new one now. Its a nicer colour... that kind of metallic blue green.

So it was with a lightened heart that I answered the call to The Company this evening. They apparently deal with each claim individually, and they apologised for their standard letter and making me think (quote) that they would only pay "1 nights hotel accommodation and travel at 30cents per km". Apparently they deal with each case individually and they are going to take care of everything and it will all be sorted out within a week - 10 days.

Cheeky scumbags.

If I had gone

"Oh honey, a letter from The Company... It says we only get one
nights hotel and the bus fare... Oh well. That's a shame. Never mind, that's
£150 we get back then. That's nice of them isn't it"

Do you really think they would have sent another letter saying...

" Oh No, you don't understand. My dear people, this means that we
treat every case individually and we will of course refund you £5000 - we really thought it was quite a simple letter. We always say things and mean something else"

Yeah, of course they wouldn't. NO WAY. So some poor wretch might think that's all they are getting, and The Company get to wipe their hands and go

"Phew... that's us off the hook with that one!"

If I had not written back to them, then I wouldn't be getting anything more than £150 for my trouble. So just shows doesn't it.

And he had noticed that I had CC'd the email to 'INFORMER' and 'Bunk Mate' and asked

"So... erm... do you... err... *SQUIRM*... know many people who have had the same kind of...err... difficulties...?"

"Yes mate, as a matter of fact I do!"

*High five*

He was also quite insistent that they really wanted me to be pleased with their product and enjoy my band and that it will definitely give the results I want bla bla. He said, we just want you to be happy and we will take care of everything, and just forget about it all for a couple of days and everything will be fine... "We don't want you to be angry or distressed because of this case... it was just a standard letter" Yeah yeah. Whatever, just GIVE ME MY DAMN MONEY TOUT DE SUITE

Right then, back to business.
Today's calories are 1160

Breakfast: 2 slices toast with jam (mild resistance felt)
Lunch: Smoked salmon and dill sauce
Dinner: 50g chips and approx 325g chicken curry. Couldn't finish plate tonight.

3 glasses of pineapple juice
3 coffees.
2 pints of s/f squash.


Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Writing whilst having a nervous breakdown...

I have had a terrible day.

I wrote my car off at 2pm.

This is like the LAST thing I need

I cannot believe it.

I have numbed the pain with Wine and Amaretto...

Today's food =
quarter of a quiche
chips (50g)

I have also have most of a bottle of wine and a serious helping of amaretto. I am really feeling the affects and typing is slow.

I cant believe the last few weeks.
My car is a write off, and so that has completely f***** me considering I don't have any f****** money because of those band ********'s.

I said to DH tonight I actually what to end it all its been that bad.

I am normally a pillar of strength, but everyone has the straw that breaks the camels back.

I laugh it off, but this time I am so worn down I cant carry on.

I feel like I was born under a wandering pile of s***. SHOVE the wandering star! Its a pile of manure.

Today I'll be mostly.... Chillin'

Another day of chillin' out.


I have decided that low fat yogurts taste like scuzz. They are also only 50 cals less than a normal yogurt. So rather than have 2 lacklustre low fat mingingly sour yogurts - and still end up feeling unsatisfied - I am gonna be done with the things. I bought muller corners today. I love them! They are well creamy and yummy, and you can have crunchy chocolate bits in them and stuff and there are loads of varieties... all for an extra 50 cals. I am enjoying a kind of crunchy tropical fruit one as we speak! YUM YUM YUM.

I am fed up with being conned by packaging and stuff and when you really look at the labels its a load of rubbish. Take this muller yogurt for instance.

Muller corner 'healthy balance' Tropical
It says: Only 2.1% fat
- in fact it has 3.15 g of fat = 4.72% fat.
The figure they quote is just for 100g of the yogurt. Its so misleading.

Also I actually had to get a calculator out and work out how many calories were in the whole thing, as its only got nutritional info for 100g of product when there is 150g in there.
As if someones going to just eat 100g of yogurt and leave 50g. For goodness sake.

So this whole yogurt has 169.5 cals in it. (113/2x3=169.5!!!)

Everyone bleats on about clear packaging, but they just bumble us off in a load of jargon.
I mean, this yogurt is also called Healthy Balance... Hmmm... Why?
I cant see anything in there that makes it particularly balanced, but its probably not. They are probably using it as a name rather than anything else.

Ok, moan over. At last I can work it out. And i like them :o)

**Band CATASTROPHE Update**
No news yet. No response to my mega email. No clue as to whether they are going to pay up. Nada. Rubbish. So, the credit card still remains maxed out and bunny is not a happy rabbit and all is not well in the warren.

Will update later.
Breakfast: Muller corner and a banana.

Monday, 26 November 2007

17 days post having band sorted

Breakfast = nothing as I was asleep
Lunch = 1/2 cup of boiled pasta shells, grated cheese and tomato passata
Dinner = 100g chicken pie, 2 duchess potatoes and 60g peas. I'm IMPRESSED with self!
Total cals today so far = (and it never includes coffee's 'cos I cant bothered to count 'em)
661 - how cool

I just did one lesson today - an exam pupil. Her exam is on Wednesday and she should do brilliantly. She is a teenager that has been able to be really cool and in the 'in crowd', yet play an instrument to an extremely high standard and be in all the top sets for all subjects. How did that happen. We were nerds and geeks and squares. I will never understand school mentality.

So today has been mostly sorting out the house. I did a little bit more tidying up today. Swept the floors, did 2 loads of washing and put it in the tumble - WOW! and fed the cats once as well. This really is a result for me. I am beginning to think that maybe just maybe I wont be in pain this evening from it like I would have been 3 weeks ago...

I had enough of the little bit of sticky out cat gut that was on my big scar. I got my tweezers and pulled the blighter... then quite a lot came out... then I just snipped it off as close as I could to the skin and bingo! All gone. I hope I don't unravel!

Sunday, 25 November 2007


cals today = 1500

Mood: Feeling depressed and scuzzy.
Breakfast: 3 chocolate digestives (and improvement on a whole packet I guess)
Lunch: egg noodles, tomato, pepper, onion all mixed together with a little sugar and vinegar to make it kind of sweet and sour style.
Afternoon snack: 150g of those WRETCHED sweets of DS'
Dinner: baked potato with cheese and beans
late night stress eating: 3 bowls of coco pops. Would have been more but packet empty now.


I'm gonna throw those sweets away and be done with it.

Oh yeah, and I worked out the Thai food last night probably had about 600 cals in it all told. Not good either. PANTS

Saturday, 24 November 2007

More foods that aren't behaving

Right now I am having a semi choke on by breakfast. DH is doing a 24 hour badminton tournament starting at midday so he wanted something more sustaining than cereal so I made him 2 fried egg sarnies. I hadn't had one in ages, so I made myself one too. Yeah. Not good. I had 4 bites and then started to feel the hardness. It kind of went away after a couple of minutes and then I had another bite. ooops. I promptly puked that back up in the kitchen sink and now I am really having PB type burps - not good with egg I'm telling you.

To think that yesterday I thought it was all wrong again and that it wasn't working.
So brekkie consisted of a third of an egg and half a slice of bread.

So another thing to add to the list... fried egg sarnie.
will update later

*update @ 1am*

I have had a seriously bad day today - food wise that is.

It could have been worse, but can't it always.
Today I had the strange egg/sarnie/choke problem for breakfast and was still choking as we drove to badminton. By the time we got there it was better.

I promised DS a McDonalds after we had dropped Daddy off as a treat, so I got him a happy meal. He ate that on the way home but I had nothing. GO ME! No seriously, I didn't want anything otherwise I damn well would have. I love McDonalds. :o(

We got in and I discovered a packet of Mars bars on the floor of the car. They must have dropped out of the bag when we bought them. DH was taking them into the badminton thingy, but there we go. I looked at the calories. Yes I did. 284. "Hmmm..." thought I. I stuffed one in my fat gob. It slipped down like silk and soothed my poor choked throat and filled my tummy and made me fell GREAT. That would have been ok, but then I had another one. I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted that feeling. The sugar rush or the feeling of food in your mouth, or the feeling when it slips down your throat. I dunno. Just *That Feeling*. Then I spent the next hour feeling miserable and trying to forget I had done it by buying things on eBay. Not good either. Buying stuff also makes me feel guilty. I think I have a bit of an addictive personality. I used to smoke loads, then quit. Then I used to buy things loads until I had a wardrobe full of duplicate clothes in 2 or 3 sizes that I didn't like with the labels on and DH told me I was being crazy and took me to the doctors for Prozac and counseling - it helped. I still have a tendency to buy stuff though, especially shoes it seems or stuff for DS or DH or MAD purchases like a new kitchen when there's nothing wrong with the old one! Its not the price, its the item and the feeling I get when I buy it. I have to stop myself.

So after ramming my face with Mars bars, we got back home and I tidied the house a little bit. Its easier to do stuff (YAY!) and I fed the cats for the first time in months and it didn't feel like I was going to die. I also did our bedroom which is always a pigsty and has forever been a pigsty except for the few weeks Mina was with us when it was immaculate. I doubt that will ever happen again. *sigh*

I cleaned the kitchen and even sorted out a pile of washing. I didn't actually do the washing, but I kind of got a bit further towards it.

I got tired and sleepy and decided to go and read my book for a bit while DS played with his mate from next door with his Lego. Its so cute listening to kids playing. I wish we didn't lose that as we grew up. Its so cool. They were "health ministers and slaves (?) and were saving the world from doooooom!" How that tied into the multi coloured monstrosities they produced and the cars with wings that sped around the "sonic hospital" I don't know. I love kids they are so cool! A complete entertainment system. Sod the telly, just watch your kids! Its wicked!

Reading on the bed whilst DS and play mate play cheerfully in his bedroom would have been a really wholesome and relaxing thing to do, had I not grabbed a handful of sweets on the way up. Oh dear. WHY????? I guess its a case of thinking I have blown it, so blow the whole day!

Well at 6pm DS wanted to see how Daddy was getting on, and we trekked back over to the badminton marathon which is about 10 miles away. We gt there and stayed and watched for a bit. I had already decided we were having either Chinese or Indian as I was in a foul mood with food. But, when I got a shopping list for Tesco to stock up on lucozade and teabags and dextrose tablets and bin liners and other guff, I decided I would go to the Thai restaurant on the way there. It was lovely as I haven't had Thai for ages. Ds and I ordered a mixed starter for 2 and a Thai red king prawn curry with steamed rice for me and a spicy chicken satay type soup for DS.

I ate the following:
1 mini spring roll
1/2 prawn toast
1.5 mini fish cakes
1 tiny sliver of a chicken wing (it was yuk so I left it)
2 small filo pastry coated prawns
2 tablespoons of rice and 5 tiger prawns and curry juice on the rice.

I was impressed. I was also impressed with the bill. Only £30! That included 2 and a half pints of pineapple juice too. I drank my pineapple juice with my meal I had to admit, but I have been sticking to the guidelines with every other meal I have had since coming back from Brugge for the 2nd time. I thought that it might change how much I could eat, but it didn't seem to wash the food through as I thought it would, but I think it actually helped me not to have a PB or choke in the restaurant. So I was pleased.

So today has been a bit of a food disaster... I have no idea how many calories I have had today, but mars bars and the egg sarnie came to 707 cals alone.

A rough idea of the calories as best I can manage is: 1367 without the Thai starters or curry counted at all(but including everything else and the pineapple juice)

So its not good, but there we go.

I'm going to get back on track with a new day.

Friday, 23 November 2007

Just wanted you all to know...


I don't know if I can tell you all the details or not, but lets just say its about the compensation claim for my SHAGGED UP BAND.

I received a 'standard letter' as an attachment to an email (!?!? CAN YOU CREDIT IT?!?!?) from the General manager of The Company. The contents were an insult to my intelligence and existence as a human being.

They will wish they hadn't messed with this fat girl.

OK, I am a blithering idiot

Geee, why do us mortals stress out so much.

I was feeling so crap I cancelled work (thanks for the message Tina, and yes I do know what you mean about felling better after I have gone, but I just couldn't face it today).

Then I went to bed with a bowl of noodles.

Then I had to get up and go and be sick in the bathroom because they got stuck! Not a bad one this time, but I just didn't chew it properly.

So the band IS working. I know I am a stupid fusser but I am so stressed out and worried that after all the problems I have had something is BOUND to go wrong again. Why? Because of the law of Sod.

But, it would seem that I do still have everything intact, connected, joined or whatever. I guess its just gonna be a little bit like this for me for now. I am scared that it will come apart again to be honest, and I don't know what I would do if I had to go through that again and all that pain.

So today's food has been 1 banana and a bowl of noodles. The choke was really small so I continued with the noodles and chewed properly and slowly ate and everything is fine.

Maybe, shock horror, I have managed to learn how to eat properly with this band and am starting to master the texture the food has to be before you swallow it. If that's the case I am actually quite pleased with myself. I think today's lesson with the noodles proves that.

So I am not feeling quite so rubbish. I have started taking vitamins again as I had not bothered doing that for ages, but I am not really taking much food on board now, so I think I should supplement it some how. I am also finding that I am looking about for food to eat. Fruit is good, but I cant seem to do apples that well. It just takes too damn long to chew them up, and I certainly cant be bothered to peel the things. That's just too much faffing to be doing with.

So I think weetabix are going to become my hole filler. I have decided that I am going to go and see the new fill guy Dr. De Bryune on 15th January whether I need a fill or not. Just simply to get a check up and see if he is going to actually give a fig. I am paranoid that I wont find anyone who gives a damn. I am putting my life in their hands at the end of the day, and I think I have been too trusting simply because they have a D and an R at the beginning of their name. They are human at the end of the day. So I need to know that they are on the ball, interested and going to be interested in ME as a person too.

So crisis avoided. Sleep and noodles works wonders.

Today's food:
packet of Noodles
Chicken korma and pilau rice (tesco)
total cals = 1150 (most of that was the korma good grief!)

Yesterdays food was quite a lot = 1226 (after taking off cals burnt in exercise)
cheese and pickle sandwich
kitkat (4 fingers)
3 nagiri sushi
1/4 plate Japanese fried noodles
prawn dansak
rice (half carton)
bottle of wine

I think this is a lot considering the amount of food I have eaten recently, but there we go. Looking at it like this it doesn't seem very much actually!! The bottle of wine was the killer. I just needed a drink after travelling to London and back on the train. *shudders* It was good to be with my sister and DS though. Shame we didn't accomplish anything more than sore feet and blisters, the knowledge that DS would rather chew his own arm off than eat sushi and that the Russian consulate is dumb.

I thought it was hysterical to flag down a taxi outside the Russian Consulate and ask them to take us to the nearest sushi bar though!! HA HA HA HA

Getting all gittery about the band

I am in a really bad place at the moment.
I am getting very worried about the band/port etc.
I know I am probably being ridiculous and there is nothing to worry about but I simply can't help it.

Its most probably because of all the problem I have had, but I am terrified that its not going to work anymore.

Whenever I eat a meal I am now waiting to feel if there is restriction - well really I am waiting to see if I feel that hard pressure and warning sign of a choke. I also know that I should NOT eat to that level each time I have a meal as I can stretch the pouch. But by now I am worried I dont have a pouch anymore because of all the problems I have had anyway. GRRRRRRRR

If I don't feel that sign, then I think that it must not be working. I am really getting messed up by it.

The other day (Wednesday) was the last time I felt something a little sticky in the band. It was when I was eating Pea soup and a little bit of bread. It was the bread that stuck a little, but it soon passed and I felt able to continue.

Since then I have had no problems. Now here's the problem:
Should I think that this means its gone wrong and I have no restriction (which obviously is crazy)or should I feel like this and be happy that I am obviously conforming to the 'rules' and chewing well and thereby saving myself from problems.

I am guessing its the latter, but I still feel like there is something wrong.

I read everywhere that puking, choking and p'bing is not usual and should be avoided and it will stop once you get used to the band and the way it behaves for you. So does this mean I have actually learned something? Does it mean I am doing it right?

I don't have pain like I had when it all broke apart, that's for sure. Everything seems like it did when I fist had it done.

I am just finding myself WANTING to choke just to confirm that I am still restricted.

Does anyone else struggle like this? I am really beating myself up for no good reason, but its making me so depressed. I just want to get into bed and stay there and let the world carry on around me and forget I exist.

I know there are lots of things to deal with emotionally when you have a band, and when your food is restricted, but is this whats happening to me? If I knew it would mean I could tell myself that in a few weeks I will be OK.

I just feel completely minging.

I also want some serious advice and I would like everyone who reads this blog to give their opinion by posting a comment PLEASE.

I am about to cancel my piano pupils for the 3rd week running. They are all aware that I had surgery, and they are all sympathetic people as far as I can tell. What I mean is that they aren't people who get stressed out too much if I cancel the odd lesson.

However, would you get annoyed with a teacher who canceled 3 times in a row, or would you just hope she was getting better soon?
Basically I am self employed and fearful that I will lose my pupils (whether its rational or not). I have been teaching some of them for over 4 years, and others only a couple of weeks. I just want the joe public's response and not one that is clouded by what I think they might think...

Your advice would be appreciated.

Wednesday, 21 November 2007


Kak day.
cals = 900

3x banana's
1 x bowl pea soup made by TB with half a slice of bread
1 x chicken dopiaza from tesco
6 finn crisp dipped into jam

I ate my tea at 10pm this evening when I got home from work. I ate it all. Go figure. then I still felt hungry and had some finn crisp thins with jam. Am I getting too good at this chewing lark, or is the band always this fickle?

I mean...take this afternoon - I had pea soup at TB's and the little bits of bread I was chewing to death stuck a little bit even with soup so I had to go slow, then this evening I ate a whole microwave meal.

There isn't a phrase to describe how I feel at the moment, but kak sort of gets near.

I keep thinking somethings gonna go wrong, or that its not going to work in some other way or ANYTHING. I feel like this life sucks right now and I am just waiting for it all to come crashing down. I dread most of all that this band is going to go wrong again or that somehow I just wont get any restriction because I am useless. I think I am beginning to feel the effects of the lack of food. I feel quite down this evening even after this afternoons escapades to try and cheer ourselves up - which were quite frankly MADCAP and straight out of the Circus Big Top!

I didn't go to work for my first 6 pupils. I rang DH and told him to cancel them and then went to TB's to try and cheer myself up. We had a good old chat, and then started mucking about as usual. TB's daughter put on a red beret and red leather gloves and an overcoat and drew a curly French style moustache on herself with eyeliner. It looked hilarious.

I then made myself some really arched and grim eyebrows. then I put a load of lipstick on all around my mouth like it was really badly done. Then I over exaggerated my lip outline with black eyeliner and filled them in completely with bright red lippy and put two spots of rouge on and a beauty spot! I looked like a drag queen.

Then we all got in my car and drove to the local shop to buy a Terry's Chocolate Orange but they didn't have one, so we bought orange matchmakers instead.

It really did cheer me up but I am 31 for goodness sake. How long can I go about being a complete and UTTER idiot just to make myself feel better? It was like I was 18 again at college or something.

All that without a drop of alcohol! I know I am actually a complete head case, but I am glad I can be *totally random* sometimes.

We stopped off at home and showed DH our mad crazy get up which he thought was hilarious, and what do I find...? MY SON HAS A MASCARA MOUSTACHE AND BEARD ON AS WELL!!!!!!!!!! How funny is that. My own son was feeling in the mood to be weird too. I am sure some psychoanalyst would have a field day with our family. We are all as batty as fruitloops.

Then I took all the rubbish off my face and went and did 2 piano lessons.

Anyway, I am really cold so I am going to bed.

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Mastication for the nation

Eating has been hard work today.

This morning I made French Toast for DS and I.
2 Eggs and 3 slices of bread. He had 2 slices and I had 1.
I had to be seriously careful with it. I was chewing that muck to death. Mega munched French toast is gross and I can tell you that the more you chew it, the less appetising it is. I wont be repeating that experience in a hurry.

I had a period of food phobia today... If I hadn't got a band, I would have thought I was pregnant. It was making me feel positively sick watching DS eat and apple, a banana, a yogurt, an ice cream, and watching DH slurp the dregs of his Slimfast for lunch - EWw. I could barely contain myself.

I have just tried something to eat (its 4pm) as I do feel a bit hungry. I made DS and DH cheese toasties the old fashioned way - cheese between bread and then toasted in a frying pan. Fluffy insides and crispy kinda burnt outsides. YUM.

I gave myself one slice of bread, cut it in half and put a small slice of cheese in it. I dry fried my measly portion and grabbed a tablespoon of Pickle to go with it. Oh dear. It was a problem from the first mouthful. I have eaten it, but it took a while. I had to wait a good 5 mins between bites. I even spat a couple of bites out and left most of the pickle and 1 whole corner. 1 slice of bread ain't that much man! I can't believe I left any!! 2 weeks ago I was a different lady.


I do know that a good and easy food for me to eat is curry. As long as its not got a lot of rice and is nice an saucy it goes down easy. But that's maybe not a good thing to know.

Foods that have given me trouble so far include:
Finn Crisp crackers
cheese toastie

So there we go. Its very different. The thought of eating those things again also fills me with a sick feeling. I have eaten the crackers again because they are full of fibre, but I had to wait a few days! Too scary to try.

I know that the following are not my friends:

I haven't had too much of either since the operation, but I know that should I have a down fall these are gonna be the culprits. I am fixing this problem to the best of my ability by not buying any more of them. The fact that we still have a bucket load of sweets in the pantry from when my Dad brought them up 2 weeks ago doesn't help. Also having an 8 year old in the house also kind of hampers a no sweet zone... but on the wine front its easy. I have told DH not to buy any more. He drinks beer (yuk) so it doesn't bother him.

So I don't know exactly what I am going to cook for tea tonight, but for me I guess it will be along the veggie line. I am thinking potato croquettes, Mediterranean veg and chicken... I don't know if I will have any chicken or not... maybe I will just have a small bit and see how I go. I will go slower than last time and see.

Daily update, here we go!

1 slice of bread
0.6 of an egg

28g cheese
1 slice of bread
15g Branston Pickle

1.5 potato croquettes
75g of Chargrilled Mediterranean Vegetables
28g chicken (two poxy bits!)
BBQ sauce

200mls milk in coffee's

Total calorie intake today = 790

I'm loving it...

Weigh in tomorrow... *BITES FIST*

*Just had some grapes and a yogurt total cals now = 980*

Message for TINA - and other homeschoolers

You've done the hard bit. So, regarding your question "how do you fit in working with homeschooling..?"

Trust me, you are not going to have a problem as long as you take time out to prepare. Set aside a few days and plan what you want to do. Then once you have tried it, chop it down a bit! Its my guess, but we all start out making our kids do WAY too much stuff. They really don't need it.
If I had a £1 for every timetable I have drawn up and then thrown away, I would be rich!

Your situation, expectation, child and way of education will be totally different from any other homeschoolers. No one will be doing exactly the same as you. Keep in mind, that you don't now have to become 'the school' either. Your are simply a facilitator for your child's learning.

Working and homeschooling is not easy, but then what is? Its easier than seeing my child unhappy that's for sure!

Just for pure example, here's what we do:
We just cover as much as we have time to do. We don't worry if we miss a day of 'regular school work' because chances are its because we are shopping, or out meeting people or seeing something cool... our whole life and the way we live it has now become our 'school'.
Basically we do 'regular 3R's' in the mornings for about 2 hours a day. Doesn't seem much, but its HEAPS. Read the whole post to see why.

(Remember this is just me everyone! All homeschoolers are different.)

My DS is 8 (nearly 9). He would be in the UK year 4, US Grade 3.
I made a list of the things I wanted DS to cover at the beginning of this year - not what the state system want him to cover - what I want him to cover.

For me, the following are really important:
English/ language arts

These form the core of our 'curriculum' if you can call it that.

For English, Maths, Social Studies and Science I use which is FABULOUS and they can do it on their own with minimum input. They love it because its on computer and has games after their set lesson time. It is a tutor too, not just a load of questions. Its also all backed up with worksheets that you can spend a couple of days printing out, binding etc. It takes time, but it totally worth it.

I also use for maths as this is a British site therefore covering English money and other things not covered by the US sites. So really poor DS is doing twice the amount of maths that he should do, but all it does is reinforce and support his learning.

For learning to read (as DS could not read when I took him out of school) I use a book called Toe by Toe by Keda Cowling. its EXCELLENT. For kids, for adults or anyone with reading problems including dyslexics, or simply just learning to read which is what I used it for. I used this along with the Ladybird books (Peter and Jane books).

I also use Its got a load of printable books online and has the same books online with quizzes too. Its good because you can use a benchmark book with your child and work out their reading age and if they are doing well and stuff. Again, takes a bit of time reading and getting your head around, but I worked it out, so anyone can!! All you need is time, and a glass of wine!

For spelling I use which is hard work to prepare at first, but once its up and running (i.e. you have created all the spelling lists for your child from their extensive graded library) its a piece of cake. DS does this before DH and I are even out of bed and I just test him once a week. If there are words he still needs to practice, then he gets them for another week ;o)

For handwriting I usually find online poetry or stories and cut and paste them onto word. I then highlight them and change the font to D'Nealian handwriting or Cursive. I then make sure its just one A4 page and print it off. I clip this weeks worth onto a clipboard and cover each sheet with tracing paper and he does it every day. We use cursive now for all handwriting, and although he used to be really bad (spiders crawling all over the page) now its becoming more and more obvious that its working from his independent writing he does. Its also amazing how quickly this has happened. Its also amazing what he picks up as he can't help but read as he goes along! Simple, but VERY effective.

There is an excellent course for learning to write properly... expository, fair tale, composition, that kind of stuff. It helps them to organise their thoughts and make it in a logical order. Again prep time for you, but easy learning for kids. its at You can mark it using the 6 traits which are used in schools in the States. (I even learned stuff too!!!!)

So, I have printed all the supporting worksheets and booklets and things IN ADVANCE - takes me about a week to prepare for the whole year. Yes, it takes time. Yes, its a hassle, but I know that the week I take out to do it saves me Soooo much time as a working Mum. I then look at my writing my timetable.

I work on Monday 3:30 - 9pm, Wednesday 3:30 - 9pm and Friday 1:30 - 9pm and all day Saturday teaching the piano.

I work for myself, so it changes often - People drop out, new people come and I don't work holidays and stuff like that. But basically we only have the mornings to do home school

So on any morning of the week, as I have already prepared his stuff, he does his spelling and handwriting on his own. He then has breakfast and plays about until DH has gone to work. I then start to clear the breakfast things, do the dishwasher etc whilst he does his Time4 learning. He will do what we call 'One circle' like a module. If he gets stuck I go and help him. The computer is in our classroom which is downstairs, so he is close by. Then he will probably go and feed his fish and muck about for a bit. Then I will go through the Toe by Toe book for a couple of pages where we are working. We are currently just over half way through the book and we have been homeschooling for 3 years now. This doesn't mean we have taken 3 years to get half way, but that we don't have to do it every day religiously. We have months off. I just judge how he is and let him go at his pace. I don't want to force my son to learn, or for him to be too far ahead of his peers as I think that's just as damaging for them. So I let him run with the things he wants to do, and make sure he does a little of the stuff he doesn't!

So after Toe by toe, I will get him to do another 'circle' on time4 learning and go through the worksheets with it for maths or whichever circle it is he is doing. Then probably that will be it. He will watch kids TV for schools or go and read a book. Right at the moment he is asking me if we can smelt lead this afternoon *SIGH*.

It seems to be that you need to forget what regular schooling is.

When you divide the 6 hours your child would be at school between each of the 30 children in the class... you kid can only get 12 minutes of one on one attention from the teacher. That's if they don't have play times and lunch. You are looking at an awful lot of time working with on their own, or just playing about. DS gets about 2 hours one on one... It seems like so little but in fact its Sooooo much more.

Schools work the way they do as there is no other way, but we don't have those confines.
I make sure he does the 3R's regularly each day and does them well and everything else will come during the normal day... for example... I don't know what category to place smelting lead under but I am guessing it will mostly be in SCIENCE, I am guessing we will chat about the HISTORY of metal work and other stuff too. Conversations tend to lead to different things and cover a huge range of topics... so I think he has a seriously rounded education to be honest.

He also gets to explore what ever he wants to for the rest of the day. At present he is MAD for Robin Hood and Warriors, and battles and Medieval ages and castles and knights and did I mention Robin Hood? So he watches the film a lot, plays with his bow and arrow that he made a lot, pretends to be Robin Hood a lot, asks a LOT of questions a lot... etc etc.

That's our schedule.

Homeschooling doesn't take a lot of time, but it takes a HECK of a lot of preparation. The more prep you do, the better. If you have just taken your child out of school, I would consider not bothering with anything structured for some time. DS needed a period of UN-schooling. He couldn't get to grips with learning at home until he realised that it was going to be different, and it wasn't going to be boring. He learnt all kinds of things in that De-Schooling 6 months or so. I took him out of school at the beginning of starting this blog (you can read it in my history on the right) and we weren't really into any kind of routine until the following September, and that was mainly because he had to chill out, and I had to prepare.

Home schooling is actually easier if you work I think. If I was home all day long with DS, even though I obviously love him to bits, he would do my head in. Going to work gives me a chance to do my thing and be on my own and stuff like that.

There is a saying that "If you have got something that needs doing, give it to a busy person to do". Busy people are better at pigeon holing time, and fitting things in.

Also remember that schooling doesn't have to be from 9am-3pm it can be at any time.

So a sum up of fab sites to use,

Now, each of these are subscription, but surprisingly cheap.
The a-z ones are part of the same family group. The others are individual.

If you are not sure of what you want, try as it has every subject and all kids of worksheets in grade order just to keep you going until you settle on something comfortable. Its taken me about 2 years to get to this comprehensive list. I don't use anything else other than these to educate my son (well, other than the library and my own time and brain and stuff).

There are so many different places to go to get stuff for homeschooling, but a lot of them are not comprehensive or easy for your kid to use on their own. That's important as they like to be independent and you want time to get on with housework or cooking dinner or something.

This works great for us, but there are as many ways to home school as there are grains of sand in the desert! You might really want to push your child, or you might want to take a completely autonomous (child led) approach. Basically just remember that you do what YOU and YOUR CHILD want. School is over now. So are their constraints. Your child is now totally free range!

If you want any further info on anything I have written, then just leave a comment or email me at

Monday, 19 November 2007

1st Day back to work

It's all good!

Went to work and did 6 lessons back to back without any problems. Strangely I am sitting here at the computer blogging my day and I am not in pain... unusual after a full afternoons work.

Today has been very nice indeed to be honest.
I got up late - 11:30am - and just pottered about. DH's car has been fixed and all is sorted with that... nothing more than a 'simple' computer malfunction. Gone are the days when it needs a fuse huh! So they rebooted the car (yeah it make me laugh too!) and it was fine.

I was busy talking on the phone for ages and at about 2:30 I realised I had better eat before going to work. I made myself one of those pasta and sauce thingies. They TRULY are disgusting, but, hey! Its easy. I gave myself half a packet... however could only eat 1/4 when it came to it. So went to work on 1/4 packet of pasta 'n' sauce. That's a first for me! Work was good, and the new colour hair went down well, with a lot of people actually doing double takes and not recognising me! HA HA.
I got home from work about 8pm and nuked some Sri Lankan curry I put in the freezer. Yum.
I ate in front of the telly with 2 glasses of wine (wow - how light weight I am these days!) and a couple of episodes (3 actually) of Heroes Series 2. FABULOUS.

towards the end of the 3rd episode, I realised that the ancient Japanese proverb *Curry, sans rice, slips through band easy* was taking place and I had the munchies. I grabbed some Finn Crisp Thins (6) and half a tub of houmous (100g).

So today has ended with a very respectable 830 cals.

Without the crackers and houmous it would only have been 580!! SCARY!

Nighty Night Peeps

Sunday, 18 November 2007

The end of the weekend is nigh

Well yesterday turned into a fun filled night!

We were about 15 minutes into the journey to DH's Mum's pub and the car broke down.

Yep, it suddenly lost power like it jumped out of gear... the oil light came on, an alarm sounded and it had STOP flashing on the screen. So that's just what we did. 1 and a half hours later the RAC arrive and we get taken home in the back of a truck with the car loaded behind.

At least we didn't have to do Karaoke I guess!

So we got home and everyone was starving. We ordered curry, and it was the best curry I have had for AGES. We don't normally order from our village, because they all taste a bit bland after Sri Lanka, but this was really really nice. I had a plain prawn curry. Nice and hot and eat it with boiled rice. I chewed that baby for England, and it went down fine.

It meant my calories peaked since re-banding at 1500 yesterday, but I was also necking wine too. Still under my guideline for losing 2lbs a week though - banded or not!

So I was chuffed.

I was suffering this morning though. I actually didn't get up, and stayed in bed right up until 4:15pm when I couldn't sleep anymore. I had an apple, and then a coffee and then another apple and then took DS to skating. When we got back DS was starving hungry and I was a little peckish so I made baked beans on toast and that filled us up.

I took my time with that too because if I didn't chew it completely I could feel that warning feeling. So I was really careful. I seem to be able to eat soft mushy things with relative ease. Curry was no problem because it was wet, beans likewise.

So today I have had 2 apples and beans on toast... the grand total of 540 cals. Woowee

Back to work tomorrow for real, and hopefully I wont be too shattered and sore by the end of the day as I usually am.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

Just had my nails done

Just had my nails done with this new lady who comes to your house. I had a gel overlay this time with something called Calgel... Very interesting. Its like a mega thick nail varnish which cures under a UV light. I had a french manicure as usual and it looks just as good. She says it will look a lot better once all the acrylic has grown out. Its much much thinner than acrylic nails, which is good too. So, we shall see how it goes.

I am in much much less pain today. I am really please because I was starting to think that it would never lessen. The pain from the second operation has not ever been that bad, just sore and annoying... cut muscular kind of pain around the port area, but not as bad as the first time. However it never got any better... just sort of carried on being the same pain each day, but today is the first time I have done a few things around the house (cleaned the kitchen and bathroom including the bath) without it being too obvious that I had surgery. I am sitting here typing this and I cant tell at all. So there has definitely been a big big improvement. I am glad as I need to go back to work on Monday.

I took my steri strip stitches off the other day and the scar is quite neat and tidy, not oozing or red or hot or anything else. Its not that bruised either and certainly isn't as annoying as the last scar was. I have been wearing trousers all week and to be honest, I always avoid them because they hurt my port because its right on the waist band, but it doesn't seem to bother me this time around. Dee says she doesn't notice her port at all, so hopefully neither will I. I seriously hope not as its horrible doing my job and having to adjust my waist band when I have to lean over the piano and stuff.

It will be nice to just forget I have these things to be honest and just concentrate on the rest of my life rather than every waking moment wondering if I am gonna be in pain or not from doing this or that or the other.

My bruise from the needle for the anaesthetic on my arm is fading, but still quite obvious. It's still 2 inches square (yes really square!) and painful to bump. Its in a good place through. The last time (and also when I was taken into hospital when the whole mess started in May) they put that big old needle into a vein on the inside of my elbow. It was really really sore. I can remember lying in hospital feeling dead sorry for myself, and tracing the plastic tube that ran up the vein to deliver the fluid via drip. My arm was bent and I could feel the tiny plastic catheter turn the corner and bend around with the vein. YUK.

This time, its on my forearm, between my wrist and my elbow on the inside, so its not anywhere that really gets knocked, you don't have to lean on it and it doesn't have to bend so its been much less of a bother. I know my veins are quite deep, even when I am thin, and they always have trouble getting blood out of me or liquid into me. Having DS was a nightmare, and I still have the scars from the holes they peppered me with on the backs of my hands, forearms and elbows. One good thing is that I am not scared or bothered by needles one little bit. I had to inject myself in the leg for the whole of my pregnancy, and that about cured me, but what with everything else, its just no problem anymore.

Right, foodwise...
This morning we slept in until 11:30 so missed breakkie.
I had 3 cups of coffee with milk and then felt shaky so had 1 weetabix with a teaspoon of sugar.

I will update what we have for the rest of the day later, but right now I am tired and am off to have a lie down. We are going to DH's Mums pub tonight for Karaoke. I expect to eat there, so I don't know what I shall have yet. I am also going to have some wine as I haven't had a lovely glass of wine for a week now. Boo Hoo. I know its stalls weight loss, so I am going to try and have wine just once a week for a treat. I don't know what day will be my treat day, but I am guessing its will most likely be a Saturday.


Friday, 16 November 2007

9 months since banding(1 week since its been working)

Its 9 whole long stressful months since banding.
Its 1 whole long stressful week since its really been working!

I was 18 stone (252lbs) when I had it done
I was 17 stone 12 (250lbs) when I had it re-done
I am 17 stone 3 (241lbs) today.

Loss = 11 pounds (or 9 pounds since it was re-done)

I am really chuffed.

Today's food...

1 pint s.f. squash for pills
1 coffee
2 weetabix
1 cup coffee
8oz milk for the coffee's
1 crumpet with 1 swipe of light flora and 1/2 tsp jam
half slice bread
2 tablespoons coleslaw

I had half a slice of bread because I sicked the other half back up again... tee hee.

I love my band!

I have just been really naughty, but then again, I have been very angelic for the week. I just ate about 20 sweets. Boiled sweets, so pure sugar. I know its bad, but for some reason i just NEEDED them. I don't have a particularly sweet tooth, but maybe not being able to eat much of the savory stuff either means my bod is crying out for something... anything!! :o)

So I had them, and I am sucking a lollipop right now. Yummy.

I am not doing it again, but when DS has sweets in the house its so awful. I want to throw them away really but they were a present to him. Grrrr.

I had a puke attack again today. I was peckish at about 4:30 and grabbed a slice of bread with coleslaw in it. Not a good idea. Bread seems to be another no no now. So i puked back half of that and I just keep thinking of the other night and that terrible choke and as soon as I feel it I'm like "oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but so far it hasn't happened again.

I am having to have fish tonight, because TB's daughter is back from Russia for a few days and it seems she wants as much English foodstuff as possible. Yesterday I cooked a curry - Brit's No.1 food. Tonight its fish and chips with champagne. Goodness knows why the champoo, but there we go. I hate the stuff it tastes like sour off cider. Ewwww - give me a nice full bodied bottle of red any day.

Tomorrow its a pub meal and karaoke at Phil's mums pub. I think that's just about as English as it can possibly get. Well, I don't know, maybe crumpets and scones and tea and fruit cake and stuff too I guess. She can do that another day!

Today's food intake was similarly as small as the other days this past week. The calories were significantly more though because of the sweets. Still low though - 1300 cals today. Goody.



I found this picture whilst at my mums house. It is AWFUL. This is one for the hall of shame.

I think I was about my heaviest of 19 stone 2 (268lbs) here back in 2001. This is me plaiting my brothers hair. I live on a rich diet of fruit and veg and eat everything, my brother eats only pizza, donuts, cake, sweets, chips, burgers and weetabix. He refers to anything green on his plate as poison. He is 6ft 2 and weights 10 stone soaking wet. WHY????????????????????????
I look terrible. I look fluffy and bloated and ill. Its horrible. I have come a long way since then even before my band. I never want to go back here EVER.

Thursday, 15 November 2007

Totally stoked!

Ok, I just could not resist.

My DH jumps on the scales 38 times a day. The first time he does this is in the morning, after going to the loo and completely nude. Its so funny what we do in the privacy of our own homes huh? We wake up and I can hear the scales from upstairs and the "Yeeees!" as I hear him lose another pound. Our scales talk to us. They actually say your weight so you don't need to look down. He has been doing slimfast for just over 2 weeks now. He went onto it when I had my last fill (20th october) and has so far lost exactly 1 stone (14lbs).

So as he is tripping lightly, nude, up the stairs dodging the semi open blind so our neighbours don't get a morning treat, I decide to have a go.

I hopped on and WOW. This morning in my nightie I was 17 stone 3.5lbs (241.5lbs) which is FAB. I actually hopped on those scales 3 times and each time they said the same thing. when I am in the high 17's they are not so accurate and they sometimes say different weights one after another as it fluctuates because of my hefty bulk, but under 17 and a half stone they seem to be dead on accurate. I love this.

So I know I weighed in yesterday, but I am adding this one in because its real, and has totally given me a boost of confidence!

So check my ticker a the top of the page - now lost 10.5 pounds since banding. 13 more pounds and I will have broken my pre-band-blow-out-weight! YAY

Obviously I will update this section, but I just had to share this because I am truly happy this morning for the first time in about 6 months!

Breakfast this morning:
1 pint of s/free squash to take my pills with.
1 coffee
1.5 weetabix with milk. I had 2 in the bowl, but only managed 1 & half before I pushed the bowl away.

1 cup of coffee
1 Tesco Healthy Living yogurt
1 small banana
home made chick pea curry and rice. No idea how many calories, but it had the following ingredients:
chick peas
tomato passata
curry powder and other spices
boiled rice

I actually ate a larger portion than I thought I would, but it was still much less that everyone else.
I have kind of managed to work out the calories in each portion of what I ate for the curry, and today's total calories is roughly 970. Not bad again. I am probably over estimating, because before the curry I had only eaten 370... but 600 is not bad considering. It was yummy too!

I also died my hair black today. I really fancied a change and I didn't know whether to cut it or bleach it or what on earth to do to it really, so I was playing around with a programme called 'Face on Body' (which is really really cool by the way) and decided to use a good photo and change what I looked like. I picked a picture of Donald Trump and some strumpet and bunged my face on it just to see what I would look like with black locks. It looked really good, even though the picture came out a bit naff and I was now standing next to the most ugly man on the planet, so I just went for it!
Here's a picture of Donald and Me, and then a pic of the real look once I had done it. Well pleased!
All part of the new me!

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Weigh in today...

Well, I weigh 17 stone 6 and a half pounds this morning. (244.5lbs)

I thought I would weigh in again this morning seeing as it's Wednesday again. It was also a Wednesday that I weighed before I went off to Belgium again, and by strange coincidence, it was also Wednesday that I was banded in the first place.

So Wednesday will be the weigh day for me.

To date - my total weight loss since banding is 7.5lbs

Because of last nights choke... And for those who have asked "Do I mean PB?" No, I really do mean choking - I could hardly breath with that food stuck in my band - which was too far down to be puked up by fingers down the throat, but not wanting to go through the band either; I guess you could call it a 'half way house'. Trust me I had my fingers down there many times, but it didn't do anything except bring the swallowed saliva back up again. Grim for sure, but its these type of experiences that help others right?

Since being reconnected to my band I have come to the conclusion I haven't had a pb... just a reaction to the food going through the band, or not as the case my be. I haven't had a classical burp followed by regurgitated food. That has not happened at all. Its strange, but maybe others have experienced the thing I am going through and also had a PB...? Your experience is valued.

So all I can call my episodes are 'chokes' as nothing ever came up, just royal pain on and off for between 20 minutes and 3 hours, near loss of consciousness, shakes, runny nose, sweating, hiccups and eventual release as the food passed through the band.

I am going to seriously re train my eating as it is obvious that I have a serious difference now.

So, today, because of last nights 'half way house choke' as I will henceforth refer to them, I am on liquids for 24 hours. I can feel my band in my stomach right now.

This morning when I got up I had a glass of water and took my tablets. Prozac comes in a capsule that is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING and I refuse to break it apart and take it any other way, so I was careful and swallowed both pills individually with a couple of large swigs of water. When I went to the doctor on Monday for pain medicine, I spoke about getting the Prozac in liquid form, but he said they are not supposed to prescribe it as it's horrendously expensive. Diddums. What a joke. If I need it mate, then you will have to prescribe it. I then broke up my Co-dydramol into quarters and took them individually with large amounts of water. I followed this 30 Min's later with 2 warm coffees. Then for lunch I had a yogurt. I have just finished another warm coffee and am about to have another one.

I really don't want to have to go and have an un-fill or a de-fill or whatever you call it. That would just be bloody typical! So I am really going to take it easy, and also I am just gonna stay away from really dry foods. Its not worth the hassle. Maybe after I start to lose some weight then I will be able to have a try again, but for the time being I am going to let this settle down.
I think that I might have some gastric swelling as I can actually feel it around my oesophagus which is a bit worrying, so I will let it settle down with fluids/soft diet for 24 hours and then see how i feel. If its still terrible, then I will do another 24 and so on until I go to mashed stuff again. Now I know its working, I am going to do it right.

Something in me just had to push it a little bit and see if it REALLY was going to work, if there really was a difference you know? Its so horrible having lived with this crud for so long, and getting so down about it and losing all faith and confidence in the band, the doctors, the surgery and even myself. I really thought I was a total failure.

I know its working for sure, and I am really really REALLY EXCITED!!

Update from M the bunk mate - she was out of theatre last night. Her tubing was in her intestines!! OMG. Yes, it was quite a nasty surgery as they had to go deep apparently. I shudder to imagine, but she phoned this morning and its all done. She left the hospital this morning with her DH and went back to the NH hotel where I stayed -Her DH apparently had wild boar last night just like I did for my last supper - it was heaven I'm telling you!

So I also must tell you I had a call from the company who supply my band to Dr. Dillemans. They are handling everything and I should get some forms to fill in in the last week of November. I fill them out, send them back by Post and then they deal with it within a week apparently. That will be good, as I can pay off my credit card and not worry about spending money for Russia. That's a weight off my mind. I spent the holiday money on getting back to Belgium in a hurry, so I was kind of fretting that we would be eating in the Moscow soup kitchen for the week! Not a good thought.

If I get any more news I will post it.

I am feeling really up beat today and happy and bright and alert. Still in pain, but not doing too bad.

*Whispers* My bands working!!! HA HA HA HA

*silent hope and optimism is growing inside me right now*

Food log for today:
8oz glass water
2 cups coffee
1 Tesco Healthy living Toffee Yogurt
2 cups of coffee
1 serving of Quaker Real fruit porridge over cooked and then pureed till a paste
8oz skimmed milk (for my coffees)
1 cup of coffee
1 glass of water
3 inch square piece of home made lasagne (low fat) pureed

Total calories for today:
approx 800 (can't work out the lasagne at all)

The lasagne I made was really tasty.
Heres the recipe
1 500g packet of leanest steak mince
1 500ml packet of tomato passata
20 sheets of Egg Lasagne Verdi
3/4 pint skimmed milk
3 oz flour (or enough to thicken)
1 tablespoon of green pesto
grated mild cheddar cheese (enough to lightly cover each layer and the top)
1 beef oxo cube

Pre heat the oven to 200 oC
Dry cook the mince in its own juices until no red meat is visible.
Add tomato passata, pesto, oxo and mix.
Blend with an electric hand blenda until no big lumps are left.
Set aside

Put milk in a pan with the flour and bring to the boil whisking continuously as it thickens. If too thick, add more milk/water. Add a little salt and pepper if liked.
set aside.

Get a large 16inch x 10 inch square casserole (or smaller for more layers)
Grease the bottom of the casserole with olive oil or butter.
Put a little white sauce on the bottom and spread around
Then add 4 sheets of pasta to cover the bottom of the dish - Keep close together.
put a dollop of mince sauce on each sheet and carefully spread to cover the sheets then grate enough cheese to cover.
Cover this layer with another 4 sheets of pasta.
put a dollop of white sauce on each sheet and spread
grate cheese over, add another layer of pasta.. continue i this manner until its all gone.
The top layer you want to put both mince and white sauce and then cover the whole thing with grated cheese. No need to go over board, but needs to be a little more than you were putting in the layers. I think i must have used about 200g cheese in the whole thing. Don't worry if the edges of the pasta sheets are peeking through its gonna be lovely anyway!

Bake for 30 minutes and eat!

What you don't eat, let cool and cut into portions and freeze. It reheats in the microwave in 3.5 minutes from frozen and is just as yummy.

As you know I made this lasagne yesterday, and froze last nights leftovers. I didn't think we would be having it today, but both my boys wanted it again!! So its served us another night.
This recipe makes 6 good sized adult portions.


Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Oh Sweet relief - 3 hour choke over


I just spent the last 3 hours choking; Let me set the scene.

It was 4pm. DH and DS are getting ready to go for a bike ride. They shout cheerio, and off they go slamming the door behind them. I am on looking up everything I can about lapbands now that I am all interested again since mine might actually works now...(!)

I got up, went to the fridge, grabbed some houmous and then went to the pantry and grabbed a box of finn crisp slims. Ripping open the packet and yanking off the top of the houmous whilst reading some thread or other I start to tuck in.

I had 3 crackers and 1/5th pot of houmous. Felt a bit chokey and clogged. So I stopped.

All seemed fine, just a bit blocked up, but not like anything before when I have had to lean over the sink etc. Spent another 15 minutes or so on the computer looking at stuff, and then the boys came back. I got up and started to get the things ready to make dinner.

I was making a lasagne. I made the mince sauce and then the white sauce and started laying the pasta in the dish etc. We are about 45 minutes post crackers at this point. DS wanted to help make the lasagne, so I let him put the pasta sheets on, and DH grated the cheese in between the layers as I HATE grating cheese (EEEEwwww) and so we called it a family lasagne. However, DS was dithering about and making a right mess, and I was feeling *dodgy* and slimy in the mouth. so I told him to run along and I quickly finished the lasagne. By the time I had put the last layer on it and DH was grating the final lot of cheese on it, my head was in the kitchen sink amongst the grotty empty mince meat packet, garlic crusher, coffee cups and veg peelings. I was spewing slime for England and the pain in my back was crushing.

I got DH to bash my back like he was burping a lead baby and it helped to ease the pain, but nothing relieved it. I got the lasagne in the oven and wandered about a bit. it was so strange. I sat on the sofa and looked up some stuff on DH's laptop as he was in the classroom with DS playing 2 player games across the Internet by this time. So I was sitting feeling really weird, and hot and flustered and I got a bowl and just put it under my mouth. The saliva started pouring again. It was 6:30 - 2 hours since the crackers. I felt hard and uncomfortable. I needed to be in the quiet. DS and DH had come back into the front room and were making so much noise talking and the telly and all that stuff... I just HAD to get out of there. I took myself off upstairs and sat on the toilet seat with my head in the sink. At 6:45 I called Dee. I couldn't take anymore and I didn't know what to do with myself. She was such an amazing godsend to me. She was right there in the bathroom on hands-free listening to me foaming at the mouth, having Man-Hiccups and spitting and puking and telling me it will pass. I was so glad. She then told me it was gonna get worse after the hiccups. The hiccups move the stuck food you see. It got worse just like she said and I wanted to DIE. It was like I was gonna choke to death. I was talking all funny, I couldn't breathe and the PAIN!!! Then Puke! Up came a bolus of something - I thought I must have swallowed a golf ball and missed it hidden under the crackers or something as that's what it felt like, but this was just a soft little bolus of half digested cracker paste.

Then, as I was doubled over banging my foot on the floor for DH to come upstairs watch my death throws, and Dee is on the phone saying "Its ok, honest", I felt relief.

Phew... then I felt faint and thought I was gonna pass out, and then I got the shakes. totally uncontrollable. The adrenalin that pumped through my body in that time was untrue.

It was 7:30pm and it was all over. 3 hours choking on a cracker when I wasn't particularly hungry is NOT something I want to repeat in a hurry.

So guys, its has never happened before, and I now know what it feels like to have restriction.


Dee reminded me that when I last saw her, I was frustrated and angry that my band was not working and I said "I just want to PB, and choke and be restricted!" Well, that wish came true! Something is definitely going to happen now and I feel excited beyond belief about that!! THANK YOU GOD.

So today's food:

1 weetabix

1 piece Spanish Omelette

3 finn crisps and 1/5 tub houmous

1 Tesco Healthy living toffee yogurt (i am about to try this)

Total calories: 637

All I can say is Wow.


So that's 2 other people I now know who have had the same problems as described here on this blog.

My bunk mate, M, went back to Brugge today. We have talked, and her port is ALSO disconnected from her tubing. Funny that.

So she is having her operation about now...

I am SO grateful to INFORMER for telling us about this. We would still be living in agony not knowing about any of this if she hadn't.

I have started to add up my expenses, and they are shockingly high actually.

I am simply being straight down the line, that way they cant question it.

To be honest, I am not surprised money has been tight the last few months. I have lost about 2 months wages all told.

So now I am waiting to hear from them. If I was employed it would be fine, because I would have gotten sick pay, but if I don't go to work, no one pays me. Simple as.

Anyway, back to the New Me in Lap Band Land...

Last night I made Mashed potato, chicken supreme, peas and broccoli. I actually ate 1 sprig of broccoli, I fork full of potato, 2 fork fulls of peas and 2 bites of chicken. that was me done. I was quite surprised. I stopped before I got to the sink dribbling thank goodness.

Today, I have had:
Breakfast: 1 weetabix with milk and a teaspoon of sugar
Lunch: Last nights left over potato and peas added to red pepper, tomato and spring onion and eggs and cooked into a Spanish Omelette.

It made a huge frying pan full! I ate just under a quarter of the pan... about the size of a slice of pizza. I know its anal, but I worked it out to be
1 medium potato
1/2 egg
2 oz spring onion
1/4 red pepper
2 oz peas
1/2 tomato

So total calories for today so far are: 443

Good huh?

So far no problems on the PB/dribbling front. I can feel that darn lunch in my throat though. Very weird.


Monday, 12 November 2007

First day back

I thought I would graphically show you all what I saw on the x-ray.
Obviously I am using a generic skeleton (and this is probably a male one or something HA)
but I saw the band and the port with a little metal spike sticking straight up and then the tubing hanging right down into my pelvic area. Pretty scary stuff to be frank.

Well, its now 3 days since my re-operation to correct this naff up.
I weighed myself this morning and the scales said 17 stone 5 and a half pounds.

So that's a 7 pound loss in 5 days. Hmmm

I have decided that my weigh changes are so random now, that I need to keep a weight record on this blog. So, there is now a link to the weightloss record page on the right hand side of my blog called WEIGHT HISTORY, just above the Photos page, which I will update every time I weigh myself.

So today's food:
Breakfast: 1 bowl of quaker real fruit porridge and 1 teaspoon sugar

Lunch: 5 thin slices of Polenta with a sliced tomato and 8 olives fried in half tbsp olive oil and a sprinkling of parmesan

Snack: 1 nutrigrain oat baked bar - + a spell over the sink dribbling and thinking I was gonna puke. 1 packet of parma violets and a swizzles lollipop.

Dinner: Chicken supreme, broccoli, mashed potato and peas.
As yet, dont know how much I will eat, but I will update again later.

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Operation Number 2 Photo's

A typical room in St. Jan's Hospital. 5th Floor.
Electric/reclining armchair
Satellite TV
Kitchen and sink
Little dining table and chairs
Wardrobe and drawers
Bedside cabinet
Private washbasin

SPOTLESSLY CLEAN and SINGLE SEX ROOMS. People of the same age in the room and if they possibly can, they try and get people of the same language in the same room too!
I had this room to myself.

Back to Blighty in time for tea!

Well I am home.

I don't really know what to write to be honest.

I had my 2nd Operation on 9th November 2007.

My port was replaced and re attached to the tubing, and then I was given 4.5mls of liquid to kick start it all off again.

I have 2 lovely brand new holes in my tummy... one where the original port scar was, and another one to the right of it where they poked around for the errant tubing and dragged it back through my abdomen.

Once again I came to with that tube in my throat after the anaesthetic. My throat is still raw from where they hoick it out.

I was given a shot of something in the leg for the pain, and then about 30 minutes later a REALLY nice shot of something else. That did the trick. Other than that, it was just paracetamol like last time.

I went back to the ward (or should I say private room) about 4 hours after surgery... so it was about 2:30 when I saw TB again. I was bright and alert - unlike my near comatose state of delirium last time - and we chatted and I phoned a few people and texted and stuff. I was still tired out from it all and did sleep a great deal, and so did TB! The chair was very comfy obviously.

I thought I was going home that day as Dr. Dillemans had told me that on Wednesday, but the nurses told me that was not the case. I couldn't drink or eat until the following morning, even though I had not had anything done to my actual band... and all in all had really only had a big fill. But they were adamant. So I just let it go. I swigged my Evian and sucked my sweets when they left the room anyway! At about 4 o'clock, I said to TB that there wasn't any point in her hanging around if I wasn't going to be let out that day, so she got a bus back to the NH hotel in Brugge where we were staying. It used to be the Sofitel, but has been taken over. Its well lush, you should try it.

I was drifting in and out of sleep, trying to get the TV to work, reading my book, sleeping etc and in the end gave up for the day and turned the light off at about 5:30. Then at 6:00pm a doctor came into the room to see me. He asked if I had had a drink and something to eat. !!!!

I said the obvious NO... and he said "Yes, you should drink something and eat a yogurt and then if all is ok, you can go home."


So I drank a cup of water, wolfed a yogurt and then jumped out of bed and got dressed and waved goodbye to the nurses. By the time I was downstairs I could feel that I had definitely had an operation and an anaesthetic, and all was a bit woozy! - but I called a cab and he took me to the hotel. Interestingly each journey to the hotel and back has been a different price... Weird.

When I got back, TB was not expecting me and she had gone out and got a hair cut and stuff. She looked like she was having a great time without me ! HA HA.

So I got into bed, and there I stayed.

That's about it really. I got no aftercare check up or anything, so it makes the whole aftercare from the private nurse that we HAD to have last time look like a bit of a joke don't you think?

Also it didn't seem like a big problem to be in the Sofitel/NH hotel rather than the Acacia... Much much better hotel and the same price! Ho hum.

Anyway, that's that. Yesterday we got up and I did intend to stick to fluids... but my curiosity got the better of me I am afraid. I have become quite the little rebel haven't I!! I just think they say all this to cover their own back. As long as I am careful I will be ok. At the end of the day their advice hasn't been all that has it!!!!!! So in the morning I ate a yogurt and a mousse from the market that is on T'Sand square (the square with the fountain which we never saw last time) every Saturday morning from 9am-1pm.

Then I knew I was hungry as I felt shaky... but I didn't actually feel hungry if you know what I mean. It was a different sort of thing. So we went back to the hotel to have lunch (seeing as its all expenses!) and I ordered grilled perch with mashed potato. It was about 150g of fish and a couple of tablespoons of potato. I managed it, but I actually felt a little bit too full. I chewed it to a pulp and swallowed wanting to know whether I was actually restricted. I just wanted to know and after all this waiting and messing about I think I deserve to get things moving a bit faster. 8 months ago I would have totally done the whole liquids thing for 2 weeks, but I am just not prepared to punish myself anymore. I really don't think its necessary as long as I feel ok and stop when I am full. I mean - I knew there was something wrong with my band since May - they said there wasn't and gave me pain, infection and agony for 5 months. So maybe I actually know a bit more about my body than they do...???

So yesterdays lunch went down a treat.
The next meal was dinner, and I ordered lasagna... again gooey and soft. I ate the topping, and about 1/5th of the plate. I was full. (see below) TB ate the lot, and mopped the juice up with bread... then said that she could still eat more.

Then today I drove home from Brugge. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
We stopped for breakfast at 11:30 in a little town an I had a slice of apple pie and TB had 2 toasted cheese sandwiches and salad. Again I was full.
We drove all around the place looking for shops to buy coffee and cheese, but every single supermarket is shut on Sundays. Rubbish.
We got to the ferry early and got the 3:30 to Dover. On board I ordered an orange juice and a toasted cheese sarnie as was feeling really weird. I swigged the orange juice down quick and then cut all the crusts off the sandwich and just ate the soft squidgy middle bit, then laid down on the seat and slept for the whole journey. I awoke about 5 mins from Dover and felt much better.
The drive home was uneventful, and I dropped TB off at her place and unloaded her stuff. Then when I got home my little monkey came running out of the door yelling "MUMMY!" and was so pleased that I was home. So a mass huggle on the drive with DH and DS ensued and WOW! How I have missed them. Its so horrible being away from your family.
DH had prepared tea and made quorn sausages and chips. "Great" thinks I. Nevermind, I didn't think i would eat much anyway as I didn't feel too hungry really. Just thirsty.
So we sat down, and I ate a piece of sausage and a chip. Then rested a little, chewing well just in case as it is dry, and then I have another piece of sausage and a couple of chips... Then I thought "right I have to stop right now". I felt that another bite would bring on an episode of watering mouth and back thumping. So I Stopped and waited about 5 minutes, but it didn't get better. Then I felt the water and got up and DH kindly came and thumped me on the back between my shoulders... it lasted like this on and off for about 25 minutes, and in the end I was so exhausted that I couldn't be bothered to eat anyway. So that was tea.
I haven't ever experienced a sustained attack like that. It was the same feeling as the others I have described on this blog, but they never lasted that long. I had to get up a couple of times to go to the sink and it was only after leaning bent double over the sink talking to M (Bunk mate from Brugge who was banded same day as me) on the phone that it gradually subsided and I actually felt it go through the band. Phew.
So that was today.
M is worried about her trip to Brugge now, she is worried just like I was that there is nothing wrong and she is just a failure. I felt exactly the same. I told her to prepare herself as I really was not prepared to see what I saw, even though I was 99.9% sure I had suffered exactly the same problem as INFORMER. It still didn't help me. I just fell apart knowing that I had been robbed of 8 months of emotions.
So there we are.
I will keep you posted, but please do check out the photo's under "Operation Number 2 Photos"

Thursday, 8 November 2007

Hello From Bruges - or rather HELL from Bruges!

Well here I am everyone.
I am in the hotel business suite and I thought I should update everyone on the state of my band.

The road to Bruges was an easy one and the journey by car, just an hour from Calais.
We arrived at the Hotel Bistro Brugelhoff, parked up and went to the front. It was empty and closed up.

We called the number on the front of the door and a guy answered saying he would be right there in 5 minutes.

The Belgian equivalent of Norman Bates turned up and let us in through an underground passage and back door with the letters WC on it. WC summed the place up. It was disgusting.
However, it was cheap and TB and I had been on the road for 12 hours. He showed us around the 'room' or squat. It was only to sleep in and the sheets looked clean so I though OK what the hell, we will find something tomorrow.

So we paid for the night and then Norman left.
Left us alone...
All alone.

We were the only guests in Normans villa. Everything was locked up and we had to let ourselves out through the basement toilet. Lovely.

It was freezing in there, so I turned on the little electric heater, and the light above the sink in the room so that when we got back it would at least be light in our room and then we went out to explore Bruges again.

All was good, we bought some stuff, and had fun and saw the sights and had a wonderful meal and then made our way back to the hovel.

Picture the scene. Its 10:30, cold dark and windy. 2 foreign and beautiful (shut up!) ladies enter a deserted car park...

We walked down the driveway, the wind whistling in the electric wires.

The lights to the basement are out.

Bravely I pull my phone out and use the light of the screen to guide us down the steps into the cellar.

I fumble for the lock, open the door and flick the light switch... "Tack tack!" Nothing.

The electric is out.

I fumble around and drop my phone and scramble about for it in the dark whilst TB is yelling "Where are you?"

Ok... getting the picture? It was awful.

Anyway, we call the guy, he comes over and apparently, because we left a light on (!?!?!?!) it tripped the power.

I told him that that was F'ing pathetic, and to cut a long story short, we got our money and ran away fast!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the Sat Nav out again and found the closest hotel to where we were, as it was now 11pm. We booked a room and stumped up £oodles for the 4 nights and checked into a swanky job on the 'Tsant.

Thank God. It is lush. It's also warm and you can have a coffee when you get up. Oh, and there is hot water, sweet mercy!

So.. with a long sigh, I settled into bed with a bottle of wine and slept.

This morning, we got up early and didn't have breakfast. TB ate some biscuits that we had bought yesterday, but I thought it would be wise not to eat just in case I was having surgery.

We got a taxi to the Hospital and the appointment was a bit of a farce. I was told that I would have an X-ray and then go see Dr. Dillemans. I went to get the X-ray, but they sent me back to to see Dr. Dillemans first. He saw me, and as I described what had happened to me and the pain etc, he immediately suggested that my port had become disconnected from the catheter.

He didn't muck about. He told me if this was the case that the company who make the band will pay all expenses and they will sort it out. Apparently they developed a new port and connection and started using it in March... so I was unlucky by one month.

So I went for the x-ray which was bizarre as I had never had a fluro fill. So I stood on a platform and there was a big round x-ray machine in front of my tummy. One the screen I then saw my insides. I could see my spine, my pelvis, my hips and all other bony stuff and also my port. Then further up I could see the band around my stomach on an angle (perfectly positioned). The catheter was hanging from the band straight down, past the port and down into my pelvic area.

I knew this was what happened to INFORMER and she had had the exact same thing happen to her, but nothing prepared me for this shock. Up until that time I TURLY thought that they would x-ray me and there would be nothing wrong with me, that I am just a greedy fat pig and I am yet again a complete failure destined to be a fat git for the rest of my life.

I now know that since May, my band has been screwed. The excruciating debilitating pain I have experienced when it burst, and at each subsequent fill has been because of this fault. I am so angry and ecstatic at the same time. It was nothing to do with my fall down the stairs afterall.

I am not a failure. I was losing weight so well and I was having such success, and then it was all ripped away from me literally.

It is totally weird to see that catheter hanging loosely inside your body cavity. No WONDER I was in agony. And I mean agony.

So I was in tears walking back to see Dr. Dillemans after having the x-ray and sobbing and I just couldn't help it. I wasn't worried, it was sort of like humiliation, and fear, and anger and everything all together - also a lot of 'poor me' in there too.

So we went back in to see Dr. D and he was totally cool. He is so angry about it and emailed the company too. I mean - he has to squeeze my surgery in to his day tomorrow, its the last thing he wants to happen. So he reassured me and put me at ease and I was laughing by the time I left his office.

I am now quite happy, but a totally ticked off that I have lost 8 months and re gained all my weight. I feel pretty crap about that, but at least I was not wrong. At least I wasn't going mad.

I am more angry with Dr. Dovey. I cannot believe after seeing me he didn't do the simple sum 2=2+4 and refer me back to see Dr. Dillemans. Even after he aspirated my band that time and found no fluid, you would think that might spur him into action, but no. What an idiot. I will be having serious words. He even saw INFORMER before he saw me on the morning of my last fill. Maybe thats why I saw him scuttying off after my appointment so quickly...

I have seen him 3 times, each time I weighed more, and each time he says I am making progress. YEAH RIGHT!! I bloody knew there was something wrong and now I am having surgery again because of it. I could have sorted this out back in May had Dovey said that those were the symptoms of a port break out.

So when I was bending down to feed the cats, or put the washing in, no wonder I was crippled... the metal prong that comes out of the port which should be sheathed in silicone is sicking directly up and jabs into my stomach muscle every time I bend over! I had to employ Mina!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So I am Nil by mouth from midnight, and tomorrow I will be going in for my surgery first thing. I hope I will be anyway!! I have to be there 8am and apparently I will be able to come home in the afternoon (or back to the hotel anyway). I am glad I am getting it sorted out, but now a bit nervous of the pain as I was in pain after the last one... Hopefully it wont be so bad.

So peeps, say a little prayer for me and keep me in your thoughts. Hopefully I will be on the road to success very very soon!

I will update this when I get a chance.