Saturday, 31 October 2009

hmmm interesant

I couldn't resist...

I came downstairs 5 minutes ago (18:00) and the new spanky scales were doing that noise that angels make in heaven; that continuous harmonious "ahhhhh" that accompanies wonder, awe or insight dawning.

Yeah, ok, it was in my head but they were calling me man!

So, picture the scene: DS and his friend H are in the living room base camp made from the dog blanket, dog basket, my dining room chairs and his duvet cover (!) shrieking with delight at being on the high seas and making a pirate video... The two dogs are their able ship mates - not particularly willing - and there seems to be the scattered remains of chewed up cork stopper out of the 2p jar (which is huge and we use as a door stop) everywhere I tread. There is a spilt glass of root beer (onto that little delight later!) with the wii fit board lying perilously close to its Armageddon (jumping dogs and rootbeer explosion in this case), the sofas don't seem to have cushions, and everything has gone to heck in a hand basket.

I am about to lose my mind when I hear the "AHHHHHHhhhhhhh" of the scale angel.

Its 6pm. I am fully clothed. Fully loaded with the days food so far, and also drinks etc. I am also holding the phone. A quick double check that the coast is clear and I hop on baby!

17 stone exactly (238lbs)


This is most timely news, and most fantabulous. Seeing as this was my weight last Monday morning at slimmingworld... I must therefore have lost lard! So, sans food/drinks on Monday morning will be a very interesting little result to broadcast on my return.


Oh yeah, and if you live in the UK and HATE not being able to get root beer (other than poncy sugar laden swank bottles from random herbal shops that cost a couple of quid - each!) then head down to Sainsbury's for a bottle of Carter's semi diet root beer. I say 'semi-diet' because it still has sugar in it, but its quite low and you can drink a lot without it amounting to a crisis. Its only 67p - yes, that's right - SIXTY-SEVEN PENCE for 2 LITRES!! Now that's what I call a result - hence I am not crazy mad at the sheer waste of rootbeer on the floor in my front room from the extroverted and rather highly charged pirates.

Oh, and I have tiles throughout. Clever huh? *cheeky wink*


Surely this cannot be right.

This is where I need a COPY AND PASTE tool on this stupid blog thingy!

So now I have to keep minimising, reading the other page, and then maximising and typing it in here. GRRRR. (And no one tell me there is a new version of windows now either as I KNOW that you can have 2 screens open simultaneously side by side. I know. I don't have windows 7. double GRRrrrr)

There is the bloke who claims the following:

Weightloss counselor and physician Dr. Micheal Dansinger says "One could drop as much as 20 pounds in a week following a very ambitious eating and exercise plan, devoting more than 7 hours per week to vigorous exercise."

I am pretty sure that's not possible unless you weigh 400lbs to start with and starve yourself and flog your body to death at the same time.

Sounds hardcore.

anyway, things are going ok with the band right now. I am loving having the daily plate thing on board again. I can waste hours of my life on the computer. Oh, i do! Ha!

So far today I have had a few olives throughout the morning and for lunch I made scrambled egg (again!!) with 1 egg and sloppy, and half a can of baked beans in tomato sauce. It was nice. I think egg on its own just doesn't get chewed well enough before you have to swallow... its not the right consistency in the first place is it. So a little bit of egg, then a few beans and things went great.

I am enjoying the shakes still, but trying to get into some kind of pattern where I don't necessarily have to have a shake for lunch as well as breakfast. Will be nicer in the lifestyle type of thing, and also on the wallet!

I have managed to have a solid lunch, go slowly and chew to death every lunch this week since Wednesday and had no major problems. Long may it continue.

I have changed my eating around a bit... had a few too many glasses of wine this week as we have a box in the cupboard that holds several litres and its just too easy and tempting. Its all gone now, so no more. I am just not going to buy any. DH is not going to have any more beer either as its such empty calories, and I really want to keep on track.

Looking forward to seeing what Monday brings - weight wise but also building wise.

Builders start Monday! YAYAYAY!!!!

Cant wait. Means 2 weeks sleeping in a caravan, but hey!

Friday, 30 October 2009

The daily plate slash livestrong blaat

This is a post all about The daily Plate, now known as Livestrong.
I Had a few interesting emails from people, so thought I would write down what I know, or what is given to me by livestrong and therefore know!

according to their charts a person who is about 238lbs (moi!) and wants to lose 2 pounds a week (or more please) can eat the following:

1833 cals
they should get this from and NOT EXCEED the following MAX daily allowances (100%)
60g of fat
274g carbohydrates
45g protein

If you look on the previous post next to each item it has a percentage. This shows that I at X% of my daily allowance in that nutritional group.

If I eat within the above proportions, I will achieve weightloss.

As I lose weight, the calorie allowance gets lower, and the nutritional allowances will change, but will still be roughly 15%fat, 12%protein and 74% carbs. There are also other important elements in the diet like fibre, and Livestrong does chart these too, but I couldn't be bothered to go to all that effort.

As you eat through the day, you chart each food. You type into your plate the food you ate - for instance today I had some pate. I type in "Tesco Liver and bacon pate" and there it is. I click and add it to my plate and type in how many portions of it I have eaten.

It can be a little pesky, because you might have measured in grams, but the person who listed the item might have listed it as oz without a conversion, or they could have listed a portion as 100g, and you only had 20g. Both of these is easily remedied. A simple gram to oz conversion sorts the first, and with the second is a little harder.

When you add a food to your plate, it automatically puts *1* portion on your plate. If 1 portion was 100g, and you only had 20g, then you had 0.2 of a portion. So that's what you do. You change the 1, to a 0.2 and then it will log it perfectly for you.

"What if I make a lasagna?" I hear you cry... well that's cool too. You either log each individual item in the meal and how much you had of each (1 onion in dish, 4 people served, so I had 0.25 of a portion bla bla) or you 'Make a Meal'. If its something you often make, then the best thing is to create a new meal by adding all the ingredients in the programme, and then saving it.

If you add this to your plate it will also add the WHOLE thing as a portion, so again here you must be careful. If the dish serves 4, then when you add it to your plate you must change the portion to 0.25 if it served 10 people, then you change it to 0.1 of a portion.

If you honestly cannot be bothered, then just manually add the calories.

I wish I could cut and paste to blogger because it would be so much easier. Its a real fag not being able to do that. What I might try is a screen shot and show you what I see, but it will be so small I am not sure how it will turn out.

Basically Livestrong (or the daily plate as it used to be called) is a great tool for helping me keep track. I can see when I eat too much fat, see when I nail my protein target and also if I am drinking enough water. Its also great as it charts your weight on a graph and also give you access to loads of (sometimes obscure) daily exercises that it calculates how much you have burned off. It takes into account your weight and calculates that for example doing the following :

Sailing on ice (?) or water (competitive) for 1 hr would burn 540 cals

Reclining - talking, writing or reading burns 108 cals per hour

Sanding floors with a power sander burns 486 per hour

Sex (vigorous) burns a measly 171 per hour. (per hour? HA!)

I think I will plump for reclining and chatting - less like hard work! So its a useful tool to have when you might think you have blown your days allowance, you can add these activities to your daily plate and get a Net calorie count. I always set my activity level to naff all so that I can track things when I do them. So if I take the dog for a half hour walk, I can track it because I set my level to sedentary (lying of bed eating chocolates mode!) and don't feel like I might be cheating or counting something twice if you know what I mean.

I would recommend it as after all it is FREE, and if you do upgrade, its only £25 a year which is nothing. Upgrading unlocks some useful features and allows you to look back over time and stuff which I think is useful, but its perfectly workable free to be fair.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009


Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: Everything you ate on October 28th, 2009

Calories 1528 Calories from Fat 318
% Daily Value *
Total Fat 35.89g 55%
Saturated Fat 10.66g 53%
Sodium 825.5mg 34%
Potassium 0.23mg 0%
Total Carbohydrate 122.8g 41%
Dietary Fiber 5.8g 23%
Sugars 59.9g
Protein 103.77g 208%"

Feeling fab fab fab

Oh what a difference 24 hours makes.

Took the first tablet that the doctor prescribed me yesterday evening and I feel bosh! She gave me Detrusitol XL. What a name. The active ingredient in the wonder drug is tolterodine tartrate. I have never ever heard of that before in my life, and it is a serious mouthful, but worth it.

These little blue wonder pills were given to make my bladder less "twitchy" - Mrs Doc said. She was right. I ain't been "twitchy" all day, and no pain or anything. They are prescribed for people who either can't control their bladder or pee many many times a day to help relieve the sensitive bladder. They make the bladder less sensitive. Well, they are the business and I love them.

I am now wondering if there is any point in getting my pee pee opening violated after all? I guess there is because it could be something grim I guess.

Well talking of all things grim, I also have got to have a smear test tomorrow. Yay. Can't wait. been putting it off for about 25 years, so should go. ewwwww. Hate it. Its not the actual 'doing' of the test, its the fact someone is having a gander up your chuff. With a lamp on it. Why does that metal thing have to be cold too??? Is that really necessary? I am sure they could pop it on the radiator for a bit beforehand. *shudders*

Anyway, don't want to think about that until I'm on the couch.

Today was great. We met up with our old mates we met on a French holiday when DS was only 3 or 4. It was a really good laugh. Even though we haven't seen each other now for about 4 years it really didn't feel like it. We chatted away, and I am hoarse from laughing and shrieking with them. We shall call them A (dad),B (mum), M (daur 1) and S (daur 2).

A had a RNY bypass 7 months ago and had lost 7 and a half stone. He looks amazing. He had type 2 diabetes, had a BMI of over 50 and now has lost so much weight his diabetes has gone already! It was really cool to know someone in real life who has had weightloss surgery... but not just know them, really know them personally and know their battle with weight for a long time too. He had his done on the NHS and has followup care for 5 years. That's amazing. He goes to his village doctors surgery for his 3 monthly B12 injections and back to the hospital for check ups. Its just unreal. It makes me feel really annoyed at the lack of aftercare Bunk mate and I had after our surgery, and how far we have to travel all the time, but to be honest, more than anything else he inspired me.

We both have this tool, and yes he has lost loads so far, but we both seem to suffer the same problems. Eat too fast and it comes back again. Chew all our food to death. Eat small portions. Don't drink with meals. Sip drinks etc.

What I noticed is that he can eat more than I can - which I really wasn't expecting, and that includes eggs, toast, bread rolls, pasta etc (but not spaghetti!) all of which I have given up on! But when you weigh it up he has malabsorbtion to compensate the extra food intake. I just have lack of volume. So both ways I think will deliver the same nutrients. Take for example today's food whilst they were with us:

Snack: 2 slices of toast and butter
lunch: Chicken livers on salad (starter)
2 cups of coffee
2 J2O juice drinks

snack: protein shake
lunch: Chicken livers on salad (starter)
4 cups of coffee
2 glasses wine

This works out to be exactly the same amount of calories... but he has malabsorbtion to help further.

take DH's food whilst they were here:
snack: 2 fried eggs on fried bread and 3 rashers bacon
dinner: 1/2 pound Burger in bun and chips
8 jaffa cakes
3 cups of tea and 3 pints of beer.

When I weigh it up, we are both going to get to our goal, and DH is going to die of a heart attack the way he is going! No, I jest - he doesn't have a lot of this stuff usually. Wednesday is definitely a treat day for him and usually involves fried eggs of some variety for brekkie. We don't usually go out for lunch though, so the rest is a bit random.

I left some of my chicken livers on the plate, whereas A ate all his. But where he has quantity control & malabsorbtion to help him, I just have quantity control. These are good tools. We just need to use then correctly. This must be why they say after 5 years we should have the same result, but RNY just happens quicker in the first year or so. Very interesting, and makes me feel SO much better about the band funnily enough. I am not looking at the RNY with covetousness so much now. Thats a really great thing for me.

Its great to see him looking so amazing and I am really pleased he has done it. Its also spurred me on so much, that really I have to look at my weight journey as little bitty steps.

Being really to the point, I have only had proper restriction since my last fill. I am not going to see miracles in 2 months, but I have lost weight. Just gotta keep on plugging!

For dinner this evening I had fish fingers and peas. Fish fingers are probably not the best choice, but I like them and they are protein. So another day's sunshine goes down and I have kept to plan.

trying to think what calories I could have ingested...
shake 200
chicken livers...?
2 glasses red 400
fish fingers...?

not too much. cool.

Ok, I thought this was a bit lame to write "not too much" and not really know, so I have now re-opened my account with what was called The Daily Plate but is not called LIVESTRONG and its great.

To lose weight of about 2 pounds per week, I need to eat 1800 calories or less each day. Todays calorie intake was 1528, and my protein was over 100 grams! Cool

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

funny day

Had a funny day really. My band decided not to allow liquids again after about midday, which was a bit of a pain in the rectum, seeing as I didn't get my breakfast shake down this morning as I forgot to drink it. But, I am still here and a few less calories are hardly going to hurt! Hee Heee.

The builder came around and measured up and checked where I wanted the plugs and stuff like that, its all going to be plastered too which will be great - I didn't know that before, so it will be super dupa!

then I went to the doc again, and said it was excruciating, and to be honest she didn't muck about. she got me on the couch and gave me a quick *grimace* internal exam to check I didn't have a large ovary or any kind of prolapse etc and then basically said we couldn't wait for the scan to come through, and referred me to a Urologist for a urethrascopy (or whatever its called/spelt) Apparently I will be put to sleep and then they shove a camera up my nether regions (trying not to imagine how something relatively large can go through and up inside a pin hole opening as making me feel a little odd).

So that's good news. I think...

Then booked our holiday for the winter in France. On 25th December we leave Blighty via the tunnel and come home on 29th December by ferry. Its cheaper that way! This year we are renting a gite in Brittany. Its about 5 hours from Calais and we are going to try and have a look at the Bayeux Tapestry, see Mont St. Michel and have a gander at the largest castle in Europe.
Yeah, either that or just get drunk and eat cheese and moule frite for 4 days.

Just done a tesco shop for a few bits and am horrified that I spent £120. Not possible as I only wanted juice and cat food. They now how to sell these places!

Gonna watch Neighbours now. I keep persevering with it, but it just isn't that good. I love Home and Away, and just wish Neighbour's was the same. Its all a bit too fake, but its mindless and I don't care too much.

Also bought 5 pairs of shoes and a bottle of expensive perfume which has really brightened things up a bit! 1 pair of suede ballerina's from eBay, 1 pair of big bow tie ballerina's from Hush Puppies, 1 pair of penny loafers in navy and claret & 1 pair of loafers with a bar and chain on the front in Tan leather from DB Shoe's and then today a pair of K Moss penny loafers in black from the US via eBay US.

The perfume is Tocade by Rochas. Its LUSH


Can't remember if I told you, think I did, that they didn't find any bugs in my sample at the doctor the other day. I am in agony today. I feel like such rubbish that all I want to do is curl up somewhere, but there is no escaping the pain. It just feels awful... ALL the time.

Its just constant. It wears you out and brings you down and I just feel like comforting myself with nice yummy treats.

I booked another appointment at the quacks in about 2 hours time. I am going to show her something I found on the internet.

Interestingly enough, it was about Interstitial Cystitis & Painful Bladder Syndrome (IC/PBS), and got me thinking. I am fed up with doing leg work for doctors, but no one ever looks back through your notes and comes up with an idea. Only WE seemingly know our history and it all kind of clicked into place when I read this item.

I suffered with this horror daily for a few years after becoming sexually active. It went on and on and on an on and I saw the doctor loads of time. Diagnosed with irritable bowel, given different drugs, had numerous tests, but a 17/18 year old has little love of having a male doctor frequently look into her inner parts and more often than not I would just grin and bear it and hope for a miracle. It kind of stopped when I was about 19 and I put it down to being unstressed. I had finished college, settle down and was having a brief harmonious period in my life and also had my first pregnancy. I was pregnant on and off for the next 3 years, losing 6 babies at varying terms, but thankfully culminating in my 1 beautifully bonny baby boy at the tender age of 22.

I had no problems with this horrendous pain in all that time. I forgot about it and never thought it would return. I suffered terribly with postnatal baby blues, and was prescribed antidepressants. My depression seemed to change from just being postnatal, to regular clinical depression and I was on (and for the odd couple of months off) antidepressants until last August 2008.

Looking through my calendar it was about November I started to get cystitis again. I thought it must be the stress of my Dad's operation and put it down to that. But the repeat attacks have got worse and worse until, like now, I can't stand it any more.

In the article I read, it said that IC/PBS patients can alleviate pain with Aspirin and Ibuprofen or Diclofenac (volterol). I can take NONE of these because of the band obviously, and I know that paracetamol and codeine don't really cut it to be quite honest. They also wrote that patients often have relief of symptoms from taking Antidepressants or antihistamines. Patients also often have remission during pregnancy.

Now isn't that funny? All the time I have been free from this hell, I have either been preggers, or on antidepressants! Now I am not taking them, and haven't taken then for a long time, the problem is TERRIBLE.

So I am going to ask her whether it might be a good idea to resume antidepressants and see if it works. I have 28 tablets from my last course already in my draw which are still in date and I will take even if she says no. At least after a month I will know if it helped, or not, and if it did will have much stronger argument for taking them again.

I just kind of know that this is the answer. I know antihistamines don't help me with it as I take them quite often anyway for allergies and I still have the HELL PAIN.

So, off to drink another gallon drum of water, and clean my house in preparation for my friends coming over, a fellow bariatric mate who 6 months ago had RNY Bypass surgery and has already lost *gulp*

8 stone (112lbs)

Wish I had had that surgery... I would be done by now. rats.

Never mind, I have a tool, so I am just going to use it and keep on plugging. I have lamb stew and green beans last night - nice and low in carbs. I gave everyone else potato swirls with theirs, but I resisted! Hee hee

Monday, 26 October 2009

Shake it up

So this was dinner the other night. I was looking for parsnip recipes as I had a couple in the fridge that needed using. Its honey & mustard chicken with parsnip and mashed potato. It was seriously scrumptious.
But this is why I need to shake it up a little. There was no movement on the scales again this week, and I think its because of the combinations of food I am eating.
If I am eating a seriously high protein diet with the shakes, and then eating carbs, I am not going to lose weight. I need to lose the carbs from my meals. So the above dish would have been much better for me with double the amount of chicken stew and no potato.
I spoke to the Slimmingworld consultant today about it, and we agreed that if you are on the red/original plan, you are eating a lot of protein and veggies with very limited or controlled carbs. If you are on the green plan, you are eating mainly carbs, low fat and limited protein.
The yellow plan (xtra easy) is a mixture of both but with the emphasis on vegetables making up 2/3rds of the meal and of course, low in fat.
Well, if I am drinking protein shakes with low carbs & low fat... I think that maybe I should be following the red plan... what do you think?
Well, I am going to give it a go anyway. I am going to try and go RED this week and see if it makes any difference. Food combining is quite a tricky thing, but it does make sense if you think about it. I think I am basically just balancing myself out if I eat lots of protein and lots of carbs.
Also, gonna cut the crappy bits of nibbling out which can't be helping - being seriously realistic, it's not the reason I am not losing weight - but just not helping any. So I am going to record my food again, photo it and log it and see what happens to the scales this week.

Friday, 23 October 2009


Seriously, how can I stay mad for long when I have a son as crazy as this? And no, he didn't have ANY clothes on at all! In winter! Madness.

Thanks for you lovely comments. Believe it or not they did help, just knowing someone could empathise and not offer a solution. There is no solution to this other than just keep on keeping on.

Today has definitely been better. I have had my protein shakes and also some home made watercress soup and everything is flowing freely just as it should do. Not feeling hungry, just like I shouldn't do. Able to take my meds, and feeling brighter all round just like things should be.
Yummy watercress soup recipe:

3 veg stock cubes
4 cloves garlic rough chopped
1.5litres water
pinch salt
1/2tsp pepper
pinch nutmeg
1 Boquet Garni
1 large bag watercress

Boil all the ingredients for about 30 minutes until garlic is soft and
then put in the watercress. cook for a further 5 mins and then serve. Grate some
cheese ontop for lusciousness.
Yesterday evening, I managed to get some macaroni and cheese down which was amazing. its like the band suddenly goes "Ok, lets let her have something to eat now. She has suffered enough". And to answer Caroline, yes, I do have to pay for fills. If I have half a ml out it costs £100, and I don't need fluid out. I honestly don't. Its just sometimes when I don't think right, and go in like a bull in a china shop I end up tighter than a DA. I should just keep by band head on and not forget. Easier said than done though right?

Amazing Macaroni cheese recipe:

macaroni, fried onions, cheese sauce all mixed together and then just before you bung it in the oven dish, mix in 1 packet of Paxo (turkey/chicken stuffing dry packet mix) and then put it in the oven dish, grate cheese over and grill.

UN BELIEVABLY YUMMY even though most of you probably can't eat much of it, its great, easy and cheap for the rest of the family.

So 7.5mls is honestly I think perfect for me. I am not eating much, not hungry and only occasionally have trouble. I have had a trouble free 6 weeks since my last fill. I have lost 7 pounds in that time too. I must look at the bigger picture. I need to give it a positive swing. The last 2 days were just a blip. Next time this happens I will remember this and just weather the storm and go for fluids. I made a jump reaction last January when this happened and I was wide open afterwards and gained quickly. I just need to adjust to the band and get on with it.

Today, TB came over and we booked their flights to China to see her son. I am not going with them which is a bit of a shame as its somewhere I would love to go, but thanks to Nosy Neighbour I have to buy a garage conversion instead of trips abroad. Rubbish. She is really nervous about it as its a really long flight to a bit of the world that's not a normal destination and knows its gonna be a culture shock. Just booking it will help her as she has been fretting for weeks knowing she should go, but just couldn't bring herself to book the thing, and now its done. I am sure she is going to have an amazing time. Not jealous at all!

TB's DH also laid the pipe work for the radiator in the new room. I am glad that's done so that it's one less job to think about for the moment. The builder is going to start work on the conversion on 2nd November... not long now.

I have just realised that I am coming up to my 2 year band-redo-iversary. Maybe this is something I can think about in a positive way and try and think... this IS the year I am going to do this thing now. I am tight, eating less, found protein drinks and am ready to burn some fat.

Lets go.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Kick Ass Rant

Sorry this post contains cussing. Don't usually swear but its how I was feeling. There are worse words that shit... like War.

I am in a bit of a pickle right now. Physically - I am sure its nothing to worry overly about, but I need to manage the situation carefully from a kind of 'out of body' standpoint. Mentally - more of a torture.

Yesterday, as you know, I had nothing to eat all day.

I need to go into this further, so bear with me. I need to do this so that if possible I can stop scaring the be-wotsit out of myself.

I got up at 9:30. I took a coffee into the stakeout caravan. I drank it all.

I did the Clint Eastwood with the DHL man, and then came inside to clean my grottsville house.

After cleaning enough space in the kitchen to see the worktops, I then cooked eggs in 3 different ways for the family. I sat down with another coffee and my scrambled eggs. I was struggling with the coffee a little bit, and kind of waiting and willing it to go down so I could eat.

I had about 3 or 4 teaspoons of scrambled eggs, and knew that it was going to come back. It did.
I could not drink my coffee at the cinema, and it was cold by the time I got home. I microwaved it and was able to get most of it down once home.

Then the fatal popcorn. I had 1 piece, and it gave me that 'no way feeling' and barfed.
later on a few more pieces of popcorn, and a bit more barf.

Then I swilled 2 cold coffees down the sink, because although I wasn't really thinking about it, I obviously couldn't drink them. I love coffee, so its not something that hangs about for any length of time unless I cant drink it.

Then yesterday evening, had some gravy, tried some mashed swede, no go. Barf again. Then over the course of the evening I had another vomit, and another one.

Tried some more coffee, barf. Tasted an olive en-route to the sofa for a bit of telly... nope. Glass of wine stayed in the glass - less one sip down the plughole with the olive.

Tried again much later to do never fail 'sip a minute' and IT DIDN'T WORK. Started to get worried. Looked incessantly at blogs about banding and success stories on YouTube of people losing loads, and trying not to look at that doctor promoting himself converting LB into RNY's for the patients it didn't work for (and trying not to put myself in that category), and looking for some inner peace and inspiration.

I tried sip a minute again with a little success, then had an attack of something I haven't had for a long time... the drools. I haven't had my head over the sink with my mouth running water for a loooooong time. The last time was maybe over 18months ago or more. My cheeks felt tight and sour and you just feel like you want to chuck, but you don't and all this saliva just runs and runs and runs out of your mouth. And then barf.

It was 1:30am and DH and I were tired so we went to bed. He suggested trying again in bed, so I took a jug of hot water with lemon in it, to maybe cut through the mucus etc. A few sips - 3 minutes or 4 - I was puking back into the cup.

I was sick maybe 10 times that day.

I think I managed to keep down about 8 ounces of fluid in total (stakeout caravan coffee and cinema coffee - eventually) and no food.

So we lay down and I was getting a little bit of acid in my throat. I hasten to state that this was not heartburn, or acid reflux... it was a result of drinking and then puking lemon juice infused water.

I lay there with hubby gently slipping into dreamland and snoredom and just couldn't stay. I got up and came downstairs and started up YouTube and blogspot again. I read several peoples blogs from the beginning, and kind of wished that they had kept going as some of the posts were months old. A lot of the ones that were current were only maybe 5 or 6 month old blogs anyway. I didn't find any old timers that I didn't know about or anyone who has gone through similar shit, but there was some interesting stuff. Blogs are great as they give the good AND the bad.

Now, in this blog I keep it real. I have had/am having a hard time with my band. Like I have said before, Albert Ladysmith Steptoe and I do NOT get along a lot of the time, we kind of have to exist with each other. I have had a few months now where we have actually been having a second honeymoon, and right now I feel that its over, and I would even consider separation & divorce, if the legal fees weren't going to be so high and him get half my share of the sanity? I dont think so.

I read through loads of blogs, looked at loads of YouTube videos of people amazing journeys and how wonderful they have done. Some are 3 years out of surgery and lots 120lbs. Some are 18 months and lost 60lbs, some are 7 or 8 years down the track and have just had plastic surgery etc.

Did it inspire me? Honestly? No.

No it did not.

Why didn't it inspire me? I really don't know. I wanted inspiration, I wanted to 'get charged' get pumped up and feel better when I was having a shitty day and naff all to drink and feeling like crap-O and knowing that I was gonna burn like hellfire when I went to the bog because of the urine infection + having NO DRINKS all day! I was kind of wincing in advance just thinking about it. I needed a boost; needed to feel like this was all worth it. I was practically begging.

I looked at all these beautiful women, who's bands did them the power of good and they lost steadily and evidently just ate less, kind of healthy but with more than enough treats by the look of things and are now at their dream weights.

I just thought "You fuckers".

That is the honest truth. I begrudged them every single pound, I felt myself feel real anger at them. I felt cheated that my band has not been anything near what they had. I felt conspiracy theory-ish. They have just shammed this up so they can con us out of money at the cruel expense of our mental state.

I felt jealous and disbelieving of their so called weight loss. I found myself looking at them and thinking 'well you lost weight but your still ugly' kinds of things. I felt bitter, twisted and hateful and spiteful and just like the nastiest person on earth. I hated them and I hated myself.

Then I knew what it was. It was shame. I was ashamed. I should have felt ashamed about the way I was feeling about those YouTuber's but it was a much more deep rooted, personal shame that I am going to try to unlock right here.

I felt ashamed of myself. Or should that be I FEEL shame, present tense. I am ashamed that I couldn't get it right. I am ashamed that I overeat. I am ashamed that I just can't control myself. I am ashamed that everything I try ends up going to shit. I feel like the people at the side of the road after a car crash with all the rubber-neckers gawping at me and my fat. I want to hide. I wish I had never told anyone about this band and then I wouldn't have to excuse myself, or explain myself or have them watching me. Most have given up to be fair. There was such excitement at the first part of the journey, and now its just like they have given up on me. Like the kid left out of the party because their cool toy novelty value has worn thin.

If I had this surgery again, I would not tell a soul except for DH. I wouldn't tell my Mum, or my family. I wouldn't tell friends, I wouldn't tell anyone. I would make up a surgery - kidney stones, diverticulitis, an operation on my bowel of some sort for a blockage most likely. Then I would just get on with it. Why?

What is worse than being fat?

Telling people you had lapband surgery, and thereby admitting you are fat and cant control yourself by normal means, and 2 years after the event still be the same weight. That is worse than just being fat and getting on with your fat life.

Telling people I had a lapband was THE hardest thing. It was a mixture of elation and shame. I was ashamed that it had come to this - but elated that I was able to take my life back. But at the end of the day I was still admitting something EXTREMELY personal, and talking about a taboo subject that people just don't talk about. People never spoke to ME about my overweight bulk before I had the band. What they said to each other is no issue. What I dont know can't hurt me. Now they feel its a topic for open debate. Its so HUMILIATING

I am sure some people wonder if I really did have surgery. People always ask me about my weight - loss or gain - because I have had surgery. Also, its always in the negative because they don't understand - e.g.:

Picture the scene: chatting after a meeting with several people I don't know, but might want to get to know, in
attendance (so therefore actually care about my appearance).

Someone will undoubtably say:

"Yeah, well Bunny had weightloss surgery, but it didn't work, did it Bunny?"

and then all eyes on the fat bird. Check that lard ass out. Big tits... that a + possibly, but look at that huge bum - you could park a pie platter on it! Hell yeah she really needed surgery poor bastard.

They never mentioned it before, attention was never drawn to my weight in such a hostile and uncontrolled manner. Telling people means it crossed some kind of invisible barrier; it means its now ok to discuss the embarrassment of the fat girl in front of her peers like a clinical case.

Its easier to be fat and imagine people are looking at you, as opposed to being fat and having everyone expect you to shrink before their eyes, and NOT shrink and the fucking discuss it in front of you.

whats worse is:

"you should try the new Bla diet. It worked for So&So and she lost loads of weight." "So what went wrong, why didn't you lose?" "what about weightwatchers?" "You just need to eat less and
exercise more and it will drop off"
"How did you do this week?" "have you thought about cutting down your portion sizes?" "Well, you always wear such nice clothes it doesn't notice that you are overweight" "Shall we all go out for a meal?" "Can't you just get it taken out and go back to normal."

When you want to lose weight and you don't... it sucks. When you have other people watching your failure its just so horrible.

What I hated about those video's was that I assume these people didn't go through this horrendous humiliation. They had the band, 6 months later whippets. Grand. Done. Bosh. No need to feel shame when you succeed. I am being publicly humiliated because I told them I had a band, I am now fair game to talk about, and failed aswell. Excellent conversation.

Maybe I should tell them I DON'T have one anymore as it didn't work, and just stop this endless cycle of hurt and shame. Mind you, I think the damage is done now. Then it will be a case of endless questions about how it didn't work, and I will be a pin up girl for 'don't bother with surgery' just eat less.

Just F'ing eat less. That has to be the worst put down I have ever heard in my life.

There was a woman a few months back on the news who suffered loads of abuse from her neighbours from hell. She was of German abstraction and had been living here for years and years. One day the neighbour yells "Schweinhund!". This means Pig-dog. A rather innocuous phrase that's kind of amusing because its such a crap put down in English. In German, this is a really horrible insult. Whatever. when some says "Just eat less and exercise and the weight will just drop off!" That is an innocuous phrase, but as bad an insult to me as schweinhund to a German.

I have a serious eating disorder and I am struggling to get a grip of myself. I don't need some stupid wanky do-gooder telling me the bleeding friggin' obvious. I am not fat because I am an ignorant neanderthal slob with no education and no knowledge of nutrition. In fact I bet that I could give that Gillian McKeith a serious run for her money on knowledge of nutrition, supplements and all things health - and while I am at it, what a bad advert for healthy living she is if you can be so ugly, pale, wan and wrinkled IMHO

Its like a person at a funeral trying to comfort the grieving next of kin by saying "He was a lovely chap" - of course he was. That's why he's flaming crying and upset that he has departed. No fucking shit Sherlock!

So after a massive Fear and Loathing in Bunny's Warren last night, and feeling proper pissed off and annoyed and hateful and half starved - thank goodness the knives weren't on display or home DIY surgery could have been seriously on the cards - I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. A good 2 and half hours since I had last tried to drink.

I got a glass of water and have a sip. waited for 2 minutes. had a sip. waited for 2 minutes. had a sip. waited for 2 minutes. let the cat out because it has suddenly refused to use the cat flap. lost my counting. had a sip. waited 1 minute. had a sip. waited 1 minute. realised there was no restriction to the water and upped the time to 20 seconds. sip.20 secs.sip.20 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs. sip. sip. sip. glug. sip. glug YES! refilled glass and drank normally like a human being. Then made (very quietly) a milkshake that still had bits in because i couldn't use the blender thingy, and that went down too.

Thank goodness.

I then had a look at some footage of X-ray fills. It was pretty good. too much waffle if you ask me, but good footage. I realised I didn't know much about how the fluid flows. To be honest, I don't think i am particularly any the wiser, but at least I kind of have an idea of what happens now.

I think a combination of annoyance, lack of sustenance and not having any kind of support from my surgery provider at all, and knowing that these people had the same surgery as I did, after i did, but with the support of doctors they could see regularly, and a lot of interaction with other lapbanders or networks or at the very least access to regular check ups helped them, and I just felt "why me".

Reassessing the situation from yesterday, when I hated those people for getting what I wanted, and getting something that has evaded my clutches for so long, I think that is basically it. I have been cheated, but now its down to me. I need to get OVER myself and get on with the job. Quit moaning, quit procrastinating, quit pity and shame and just give them the bird.

So I went to bed after having some kind of nutrition and a drink.

This morning, guess what. I can't drink. I tried some black coffee, and its not happening. I threw it back and got rid of it. That was about 12pm.

I have resorted to the worst thing, not proud but I am desperate. I still have my antibiotics to get down me remember, and I haven't been able to be regular with the doses because of yesterdays barf-fest. I NEED to take my antibiotic for this morning, and haven't been able to, so I have done the cardinal sin and taken an aspirin.

I haven't done it much, but when it gets too tight, I need something to loosen things. Paracetamol, which is safe for bandsters does not relief the stomach swelling. I do not advise it in anyway, but if desperate, then its something I have done, and haven't noticed any problems. With NSAID's you run the risk of bleeding of the stomach, or ulcers in normal life, but with a band, you risk erosion. I am frightened about using them, but sometimes no other drug will work and i seriously need to take on water for my infection so I don't burn my urethra right out and piss myself to death.

So, I am going to have something to drink and am resorting to liquids for 3 days again to settle this shit down a bit.

Sorry for such a rant, and being such an arsehole. I apologise for being horrid straight up. I am over it now.

I have to remember to Fight when I am super tight.

So today, i have managed about 400mls water and 2 slurps of Protein shake. I stopped there. I had to go back to the doctor's anyway as they found something odd in my urine.

apparently they grew a sterile puss from my wee. Lush. That's ok if it comes with bugs. Bugs + puss = infection. treat with antibio's for a week, sorted. whats not so great is when you have Lupus, repeated UTI's and loin pain (for about 6 months now) and they grow puss. Just Puss.

So now I have to go and fart around having a scan on my kidneys and my bladder. Joyeux

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

DHL & vomit

Oh what a day...
I have had a BAD band day and I am feeling it.

The DHL man stakeout went just as expected.

I sat in the caravan reading a book (The Piano Teacher) and lolling about on the duvet in there -which was actually kind of a nice escape... I might even do it in future as it was so pleasant. I pulled the curtain over the window a little so I could see him, but he couldn't see me. I contemplated my cuning plan and I lay in there for about 40 minutes until a red car rocked up on the drive. Out lopes a very odd bloke. He spoke on the phone like a 70 year old... he really had an old voice, but he looked young - about 35ish?, I dunno. He was wearing short shorts (in the pissing rain) and a cap (of the old git variety!) and coat. He just strolled up the drive and opened the letter box whilst rummaging in his pocket. He was about to card & leave again! What an anus!

I BURST from the van "Hey! I didn't hear you ring! Where's my parcel?". He was obviously stunned and dithered a bit, and then with his old 70 yr old voice said that he thought I was out. "What gave you that idea seeing as you didn't bother to knock or ring?"

I stood there all folded arms, in a chin wobbling act of ahh HA! You scoundrel!!! I found you out!

He actually said NOTHING. He walked to the car, grabbed the parcel off the seat and held it for a while whilst fiddling with his PDA wotsit. He was obviously not particularly good at using it (maybe he never has used it... the idea crossed my mind to be honest) as he was fumbling and shaking and seemingly just harassing the parcel's barcode as opposed to getting any kind of job done. Then his machine made a bleep and he jumped a little in surprise shoved the parcel into my hands, galloped back down the drive to his red car and flew away.

WHAT THE HECK???? Can anyone explain this madness? I honestly don't have an inkling as to why someone would waste their time and NOT deliver a parcel.


Ok so on top of this, its DH's day off and we want to go and see 'UP'. The first showing is on at 1:45pm. Its 12:30 and I am cooking eggy bread for DS, Fried bread and fried eggs for DH and scrambled egg for me. All at the same time. I sit down to eat my eggs (last out of the family of course) and its only 10 minutes before we need to leave for the piccies. I cant eat. I try, but its no good. I drink my coffee too quick and it sits there.

By the time we are at the cinema, I am in need of a puke. I promptly trot off to the bogs and throw. Meanwhile, back in the land of the un-lapbanded, DH thought it was a good idea to order me popcorn *SLOW BLINK*

So I sit in the theatre watching UP with DH on the right eating family size bag of Malteasers, DS on the left eating a family size bag of Twisted Starburst both of them slurping gallon tanks of sprite whilst my popcorn *BLINK* sits on the floor along with the cooling black coffee they got me too.

Half way through the film, after a couple of sips of coffee, I needed to go to the bathroom again and purge. Coffee, even black, is not happening.

We get home. I make a fresh coffee and it goes ok. I make the mistake of tasting 1 piece of popcorn. PUKE #3 & puke #4 when I do it again. *sigh*.

I make dinner - home made beef stew, romanesque and mashed swede - have a few spoons of the gravy/beef broth and its all good. I have a teaspoon of mashed swede and here comes puke #5. I am properly annoyed now and feeling shite so I persevere a little later on (microwaved for the 2nd time) and puke #6 hits the sink.

So, the sum total of today's intake is nothing. Whatever has gone down, has just hit the deck again, so bugger food for today. In about half an hour I am going to initialize 'sip-a-minute' my amazing never fail tight band relief module. This never fails to help me get my fluids in and at least a protein shake or two down the gullet on a tight day.

So tight day is nearly over and tomorrow is hopefully going to be better, especially as DHL moron delivered my beauteous shiny glass body analyzer scales that seemingly are amazingly accurate and wondrous.


Do they get paid extra or what????

I have totally had it with DHL home delivery couriers. What is it with the current lazy sods who can't be bothered to ring the bell...????

Let me get this straight, its the DHL home delivery drivers... they are like a contracted out man+car delivery driver not the real ticket from DHL if you know what I mean.

There was someone at home ALL DAY on Monday. At 12:30 Sue goes to water the plants in the porch and finds a card on the mat for a DHL delivery. She had been sat on the sofa watching telly for the whole morning, and no bell rang, no knock was heard (sofa within clear earshot of door) and just this mystery card left at 11am. I rang them and re-arranged delivery for yesterday.

At 10:30 I took Geoff to the vet and Sue and Warren were reading in the sitting room. I come home and there is a card AGAIN on the floor. Neither of them heard a mouse squeak! No tap, no ding a ling, no nothing!

I was furious. The guy must creep up the gravel drive and just bung a calling card through the letter box and run away. I rang him and told him as such (on his answer phone of course!) and told him to just deliver the thing and try pressing the bell or pressing his knuckles short and quick against the door to make a noise called a knock.

Well I went to work and on return had a message on my answerphone "I called twice, I rang the bell twice, I knocked twice and I will try again tomorrow." What a load of CODSWALLOP! he never did any such thing the lying turd!

So right now I am off to camp out in the caravan on our drive and witness exactly what he does this time. If he dares try to card me I am going to go mad.

Do they get paid for every delivery attempt they make, or can they not be bothered to go out with the parcels? or what? I am stunned that someone could be bothered to walk up peoples drives, outright lie to them that they 'really did' ring the bell when they friggin' didn't, and then go home again 3 TIMES!

What is the gain for them in that? Maybe they just get their parcels delivered and write out a load of cards and go posting rather than lug all the parcels out to their car/van each day. But its their job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Not so psycho

Ok, having now had 5 doses of antibiotics whirling around my system, I am not quite as pissed off as I was yesterday (pissed off... ha!).

I'm just getting ready for work, and drinking my USN diet fuel protein shake. I bought Vanilla and chocolate again, but also strawberry too. Yuk. Hate strawberry. Have to drink it as it was £15 though. Rubbish.

I think the fact that I have had a urine infection and since my last fill I have had several mild little bits of cystitis... I think I am basically not drinking enough fluids. I have coffee a lot each day, but I don't think its the same, and when you are eating much less, you are therefore not taking as much fluid from food as you used to be either, so I think I need to make it a goal to drink 2 litres of water on top of everything else.

So, apart from me being poorly, Geoffrey our CKC Spaniel is also rough too. He had his anti-man/dog operation on Friday, and was obviously a bit "why did you do it to me?" puppy dog eyes on Friday evening, but Saturday he seemed a little down, but pretty bright. Sunday he was not good. He didn't want to eat, didn't want to drink, didn't walk and was really sad and tail between legs. He was obviously in pain too, but seemingly everything 'downstairs' was ok. I took him to the vet and they gave him a jab for pain and said that they couldn't see anything either.
Yesterday he was alright, but very down... just sort of lolling about and not himself at all. Today his winkie was swollen either side of it, but the wound was fine like it should be. I know that there is only muscles there... no organs or other bits and bobs, so took him again.

The vet said she had NEVER seen this in an animal ever and there was nothing to worry about, but something was obviously very wrong. So she jabbed him again with various jollops, and he has to go back again on Friday or if it gets worse. She thinks its just a strange reaction to the surgery that affects him. He has not had surgery before, so we could not have known that. He has a bit of a temperature too, so she has given him antibiotics and painkillers for us to give him over the week, and hopefully he will be feeling better soon. its a sad sight though it really is. Poor baby looks so dejected.

Right, I am off to unload some chickpeas from the pressure cooker. I love them soooooo much. I just have them plain boiled. I am weird, I know.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Hit me

...and knock me out for a week.

Feel lousy and wretched. Have chronic urine/kidney infection and want to die. Quickly. Don't care if swift painless death or not because already in excruciating pain and it will be quick, so then over.

Also put on half a pound this week....

I know half a pound is really only the equivalent of a large fart, but its annoyed me. Its not down to being naughty either, just gallons and gallons of water with potassium citrate to flush through the old urinary tract.


bugger bugger bugger it.

positive notes...

umm.... ummmm.... struggling here.... ummm

Oh yeah, got the Building regs through for the conversion. Yippee... but then remember the horrible swine over the road. Back to bugger again.

Band behaving itself and doing the do... but put on this week anyway. Back to bugger again.

Ok, I give up. Will write again when in better mood.


Thursday, 15 October 2009

Soooo tired

Wow, what a week. So much has happened that I am still spinning.

Lets start from last Thursday... um, can't remember

Friday? Oh yeah, found out that some delightful friendly neighbour contacted the council about our garage room. Thankfully, before we received a letter from them, we had just scraped together the money to get a builder in to convert the front to a window and insulate it ready for winter. Why people have to be so bloody nosy I will never know. What the heck does it matter to Joe Bloggs if I have a room in my garage? Seriously? It doesn't make an impact on anyone else's life whatsoever. So even though we had had 3 quotes, decided on a builder and instructed him (of which I had felt joy and glee for my fabulous savings and planning skills), now I feel totally crap about the lovely nasty neighbour. I know who you are you SWINE! (and no, its got nothing to do with having a few builders in... its only been a few days, so they wouldn't have had time. I KNOW who the informer was!)

So they can go boil themselves or something equally nasty.

What pisses me off is that when they start work in about 10 days, they will think its because of them. They will have a little chuckle to themselves and feel all righteous or justified or whatever.

I am just trying to take comfort for the fact that when its done, my home will be worth £25K more than theirs and they must think its staggering that I suddenly have £6K just sitting there ready to go into action. So after a while, if I was the stupid sod who informed, I would be a little more pissed off with me because they haven't upset me in any way, and now my house is better than theirs and I obviously have the cash to do it bla bla.

Nope, still doesn't make me feel any better, but maybe it will when its done. I was feeling so great about it all. One little letter and everything turns to turd.

So that was Friday.

Saturday? Umm, I had a headache. I went to my first 4 lessons and then came home because I was feeling rubbish. Probably because of the letter.

Sunday, invited to a friends wedding which is lovely. They got engaged 4 weeks ago and are getting married in 3 weeks time. How COOL is that! Mad, but cool. They are having their wedding reception at an Indian buffet house too. Wicked!

Monday... Well, weighbridge time was ok-ish. I am in full swing right now, so 1/2lb off at this time of the month, with all my chocolate wanton antics is pretty good. I will grab it and run thanks very much! Oh yeah!

The day progressed as days do, and we settled down in the evening to relax. We played a game of something DS made up. He made a spinner and when it landed on a '?' you had to answer a question from the trivial pursuit game... (a really really hard one that only he was allowed to find for us!) If it landed on a word, then you had to do an impression of the word - kangaroo, monkey, Russian, cat, dog, cow, banana(?), horse and idiot. Quite a fun game actually!

Then Sue called me upstairs and wanted me to look at her. She was covered in great big red welts. It was horrible. Big thumps of red on her tummy and back, chest and head and eyelids even. I gave her codeine, big whack of antihistamine and some diprobase and then bundled her into the car and took her to casualty. It was obviously a reaction to something and as she has trouble with her breathing often, I didn't want to chance anything. She hadn't been in bed long, and it had come up violently quickly.

Sat in casualty for about an hour and then we were seen by Jack. Yes, Jack. A doctor with luscious long brown curls, ripped jeans, brown sandals and one of those really expensive knitted jumpers that are really thick and woolly. He looked like a modern Jesus in the wrong job. I have never seen a doctor looking so un-doctor like. EVER. He spoke with a soft public school accent and praised my immediate intervention with pain killers and antihistamine wallop. Then he pretty much said that was all we should do and sent us home. Urticaria apparently. An allergic reaction to who knows what. We had already wracked our brains, but could come up with nothing at all. So we came home. It was 11:30pm and I was shattered. There ended my Monday evening.

Tuesday, not much to report. Our shower finally packed up and I had to get a new one. TB'sDH came around and put it in for us - the angel. As he trudged up the stairs he said "You see Sue, its not lies! I really am a plumber!" as he hardly does a days work in his life if he can possibly help it!

Yesterday was good too. DH had the day off as usual, and we stayed in bed until 1pm. We were rudely awoken by the dog leaping at us and DS saying it was 1pm and maybe it was time for his lunch! Thankfully he had done all his work for the day by the time we got up which was a blessing. I like lie-ins, but there is a critical point where you feel more tired if you lie in too much. This was one of those days. A new delivery of my protein shakes came yesterday too, which was good. I ordered 3 tubs this time - Vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

I ran out on Monday actually, so on Tuesday I didn't have a single shake and I really missed them! Its amazing how full they make you feel and actually they seem to give me a bit of a zing as i was feeling pretty sluggish. I was also raking around for food, so just shows.

Also TB'sDH came around to look at the pipework in our 3rd bedroom to see about dropping some pipes into the new room when its done to give it a radiator. We had to pull all the carpet up and then we realised that it was not going to be possible to do that. Great! We will have to run piping around the skirting board and then drop it through the ceiling as its just too much hard work. These modern houses are a nightmare. The Floor Board (one big chip board sheet) runs actually UNDER the wall between our room and Charlotte's room. Can you believe that? Dear me. So that's a job for next Wednesday. I hope DS appreciates all this work and bother - probably not! PHFFF!

Then we went to the dump and bought a door for £5 to hang at the bottom of our stairs. The door at the bottom of our stairs had a hole from someones boot in it when we moved in - I had patched up best I could (8 years ago - GROAN!) and finally yesterday we got a 'new' one. I begrudge paying for a new door from the shops for £30 and then having to paint it all etc. The dump has a vast selection and only £5. I washed it down, it hung like a dream and was already painted nicely with a handle too. Cool!

So today... well it hasn't happened yet, but I have a tesco delivery on the way, picking TB up and a couple of her German students to practice their English. DS is going to have some fun this afternoon with the 12 yr old German student TB has at the moment. They can go off playing in the field and lake etc and help him with his English a bit, and it could help DS by opening the possibility of German exchange later on. Being home schooled has advantages, but I think language learning is one of the hardest to tackle because you are just doing it by yourself. You have to get out there and find others to whom you can get a relationship going. So we have discussed with Bridget the German teacher who is staying with TB to see if we can get them writing to each other and hopefully it might lead to a exchange or something when they are older.

so that's about it for now,
Will update shortly.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Me & my grub

I spent some time the other day trying to take some half decent face shots. I took loads. Why is it that I feel OK about this shot, but not the other 24. They are essentially of the same face, same smile, same dimples, same hair... but they are not the same though either. There were a couple on there that DH, tongue in cheek, told me that I should upload to Reader's Wives or something, and yes there was a definite 'pout' going on... but completely unintentionally. If I can stand in front of the mirror and try and take a decent pic of myself and it comes out looking like soft porn, then what the heck do I look like all the rest of the time?

Anyway, it was an amusing little half hour and even funnier looking at the shots with DH and TB's DH. They had such different ideas as to which one was the nicest. Both were totally different from my choice too. This one is actually DH's choice, so I thought I would roll with that.

Here is a picture of some grub I ate. I have NEVER in all my long banded days been happy to eat this little and stay satisfied for longer than 10 seconds. I have never before filled (?) my plate with so little food. Here we have home made Tomato Ravioli with a carbonara sauce and a bit of lettuce and shaved tomato. I shaved the tomato on my mandolin rather than slice it as I wasn't too sure if I would manage it. I guess I could have, but better err on the side of caution.

I am spending my days thus: drinking protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, occasionally I make one of them into a smoothie, and then having a very small meal for dinner. Here is a concoction that did NOT work, however I did drink it all up though. It was a tin of tropical fruit cocktail from Aldi - guava, pineapple, passion fruit and mango maybe. I pureed it and mixed in a little water and a scoop of powder. It did not go well. It was awful but it tasted cheesy and a bit like the smell of sweet kiddie sickie posset. Not sick, just a kind of yogurt curdling kind of thing. I wont be repeating the process, but the Cherry, or strawberry or forest fruits kinds of things go really well. I think it was the pineapple that made it grim, but I cant be sure.
So still happy, still being good, and still hoping I am losing.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

little change

A little change to the name of my band...

My band will from now on be known as

Albert Ladysmith Steptoe

...or Albert for short.

It's most definately a male, and grumpy and probably wizzened too... so that's what I will name it. Also it will stop people searching for infomation about the TV show and coming across this blog - for which they will reap little reward for their efforts.

Steptoe & Daughter

I am really really happy with my band at the moment. Have I told you that already? Well, I really really am. I am restricted really well, and have been dreaming of this happy happy state for a looooooong time.

I love what I can/can't eat these days. Yesterday I wasn't feeling too great after wading back through my journey from hell, it kind of puts the dampeners on really, but everyone's comments really made me see that if I can get through that, I can do this for sure!

If my band had a name, and could talk and think and voice its opinions, I think it would not have been be too happy either. I think it would have moaned and groaned about the ignorant twit it was paired with and how every other band out there had a great person attached to it who followed the rules. It would moan on about how the other bands were having a nice easy ride kicking back and being tight on their persons guts - and then complain that it was having a hard time in the workplace , being worked too hard, and under appreciated because their person was being sick, blowing it up, letting it down, blowing it up again and giving it a horrible time and slagging it down to boot. My band, like me, would also have a heck of a story to tell.

I can picture Mr. Band being a right moaning old goat like the Dad from Steptoe. This could easily be a picture of me and my band were we to be personified.

So, thinking about it... here is a picture which completely summs up how I had been feeling about my band since its instalation:

But, just like Steptoe & Son, deep down we love each other really. So, we need to just rub along together. He will always be a cantankerous old sod with a history, and I will always be wondering what's coming next. I am going to name my band Steptoe. I can't think of a more apt name.

So, Steptoe and I are being nice to each other. I am giving him much better working conditions and a pay increase. This picture is a much better summing up of our closely bonded state right now. Long may it continue!

Last night we watched a new series called FlashForward and it was BRILLIANT. It was so engaging, that the time slipped by. I like to nibble while I am on the sofa watching TV, so its good to avoid it really, but olives are still my saviour. Yesterday i only had 1 protein shake, and my dinner, so in the evening sitting eating a jar of green olives stuffed with pimiento was great. I find they are brilliant with Steptoe, and he has no trouble digesting them at all. They are little, juicy and savoury too. Low in calories and full of nutrients.

If you don't like olives, take heart because neither did I. I only started eating olives about 4 years ago. I had tried them, but found them bitter and disgustingly salty and they made me shudder.

Its a bit like cigarettes or beer... they are an acquired taste, and one you have to persevere with if you know what mean! My Mum is convinced that I like strong flavours because I have ruined my taste buds through smoking, but I am pretty sure I haven't, being that I gave up 5 years ago and am only 33 anyway. What I DO think is that i like strong flavours and that added to the reason why I liked the taste of tobacco. I don't really think about it, but I love strong coffee that you can stand your spoon up in. I have a very expensive and sexy machine and I only ever drink real coffee at home. I order my coffee in bulk from The Netherlands too, I will drop dead if it ever packs up. I even polish it sometimes *sniggers embarrassingly*. I lurve my coffee.

I love red wine. Strong oaky cask ages wines. I love port too, and also hot spicy foods, rich foods and sauces and things like that. I seriously wish I had taken the 20 olive challenge years ago. My friend used to put olives into a pasta sauce, and it was scrumptious. They are the very dark black semi dried Greek olives that, on their own, would taste like you are going to die of salt over load. I do not suggest starting with them, but they make a great flavour to a tomato sauce. They swell up and let their aroma flood out. Sue, our lodger, HATES olives, but begs for the pasta sauce because its the best she has ever tasted because of the olives. She even says "I hate olives, but I love your pasta sauce with olives". We both agree this is mighty odd.

My friend said that if I ate 20 olives in a row, then I would then like them. I thought this was utter rubbish, but thought... ok, bring it on - I can do that for a dare. So I lined up 20 green olives and began.

The first one was salty and tart and yucky and rubbery and horrid. It got worse, and worse until about olive 10 I thought that I was going to puke. My mouth made such contortions that I could have given an Olympic Gurner a run for their money.

Then came a sort of saturation point. It just didn't get any worse. It didn't get better either, and I finished the 20th olive and gulped down a glass of wine to wash the gross flavour away. I was adamant that I would never eat another olive in my life, they were wrong, and my job there was done.

Then a couple of weeks later I was at a party and they had nibbles, and I just kind of thought... I wonder... and plopped an olive in my gob. It was salty but sweet, they cloying dryness wasn't present, yet it was the same type that I had gobbled on the Olive Death Run just a fortnight before. Not bad. Piquant possibly. I put a few of them on a plate and ate them as I sipped wine.

Olives and Wine are Divine. Oh yes. It progressed until I was buying the occasional jar of olives, and finding that different olives tasted different. I don't like the soft black olives. I like the green ones stuffed with red paste (pimiento) or garlic, or marinated ones. I DEVOUR Kalamata olives... a Cretan olive that is kind of elongated, pointed and purply in colour. They are the best, and my most favorite.

So, for a tasty, low fat, low calorie, nutrient rich little snack, I suggest taking the Olive Death Challenge if you haven't 'got' olives yet.

My son, also now likes olives through the same challenge, but my DH doesn't want to give it a go. Sue won't do it either. Nor my parents. But, I am a little crazy and I love a challenge. DH's view is that he has done without them his whole life. Why stir things us now. Well, I guess he's right, but I am glad I tried them as it gives me a nice safe treat to eat that wont kill me or make me fat.

Oh, and just as a little aside... last night I made a curry with my new pressure cooker. We bought that frozen cubed beef that cooks like crap if you just boil it, but is amazing and soft in a pressure cooker, and all the fatty stuff melts away and you just get nice meat. So I cooked that up and made a sauce to go with it. I boiled some rice and found to my horror that some idiot had poured the ends of a bag of different type rice into my rice jar. I have my serious suspicions... and I am sure they were meaning well... but basically my rice takes 10 minutes. theirs takes 25. So guess what. We had rice mush and hard crunchy rice in the same dish. Yummmm. It was like eating curry and rice pudding with twigs in. BLEUGH. So now I have to throw away about 2kg of rice because it is thoroughly mixed with a slightly darker shade of rice, and has therefore ruined it. I could be anal and pick it all out, but I am not sad and tragic enough.

DH said I could make rice pudding with it, but to get the other harder grains of rice to the same texture, my rice would literally be white gooey slimy water akin to wallpaper past.

So its in the bin. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Meddling lodgers. Pah!

Monday, 5 October 2009


I shifted 1 and a half pounds this week. YAY!

I am really glad I got a result today, but thank you Tina for you words of wisdom. You are right... it would only be water weight. But thankfully i don't need to worry about that.

And for Cara - and maybe everybody else - I have had my band for 2 years and 8 loooong months.

That's obviously a heck of a long time. So on that theme, as I am sure that people will wonder "2 and a half years? Crikey - what has she been doing for that amount of time and only lost 27.5lbs?", I think I should write an update.

Actually, since having my band I have only lost 1 Stone & 1lb (15lbs or 7kgs )

My weight ticker at the top of my blog shows the weight I have lost since I started my very aptly named Weightloss Expedition back in 2005. I lost the other 12 and a half pounds through slimmingworld.

I must stress that my journey has been fraught with difficulties, bad band management, ruptured band, further surgery and emotional a psychological issues and possible bulimic tendencies throughout my bands life history.

I started the blog back on 8th January 2005 when I decided that I didn't want to be fat anymore. We had just got back from 2 weeks in USA, my son had turned 5yrs old, we had just started home educating him and my husband had lost his job. Me not eating quite so much seemed like a good plan!

It was one so called cheesecake -quark, gelatine, splenda, teaspoon of baileys and 2 boudoir biscuits for a base- that tipped me over the edge of all reasonableness and had me booking lap band surgery.

It was a split moment decision. As my will power, self esteem and strength gave out, my hefty bulky backside gently slid down the dishwasher, tears streaming down my ruddy cheeks. I landing with a soft plop on the kitchen floor, offending 'cheesecake' still in my chubby mitts and sobbed quietly to the kitchen cupboards.

After a few moments of being at THE lowest ebb of my life, I got up. I Threw the foul fake pudding in the bin and ordered a 16inch pizza. Whilst waiting for it to arrive I typed Bypass into google. I came to the decision without asking anyone else's opinion, not even my husbands, and decided on the band over bypass fairly early in the searching session. I had found EOC within about 3 hours (DON'T use them btw!) and had mailed off my vital statistics, and also applied for a loan to finance the job. I ate the pizza, ate a jar of nutella swilled it down with lashings of wine and coffee with sugar and then went to bed. By 11am the next day I had my surgery booked for 3 weeks time. I raced around to my very good friend's house. Her name is TB - not because she has a wasting lung disease, but because she was my Travelling Buddy and we go everywhere, and have been everywhere together. I told her the news, then asked her to come with me all expenses. She said yes.

The rest you can read here: *Brugge*

I lost weight nicely, and was down to about 16 stone 6 by May 2007 (about 7lbs less than I am now). Then all hell broke loose. My band broke. Inside me. No one worked it out. I was in agony. FOR 6 MONTHS.

I had really REALLY dodgy aftercare. The Doctor told me to eat under 100ocals and it would happen. He failed to notice that there was no fluid in my band at all and each time he filled me (up to 11cc at one point! No restriction?? Idiot!) that the fluid simply went into my muscle tissue and abdominal cavity. He even managed to draw back blood into the syringe on one occasion when he decided to check my fluid level because I was concerned. This apparently was 'normal'.

It goes without saying that I was exceedingly perplexed and gaining weight, in pain, but a DOCTOR was telling me everything was fine. It's a hard thing to think a doctor is wrong... so although i knew he was... I just went along with it like a dumb ass.

I do not joke when I say I was in agony. Even the NHS hospital I went to after the band broke failed to help me after giving me a stomach X-ray and an ultrasound. No one told me. I was desperate. I could hardly work, we had to hire a housekeeper because I could not even cope with normal household chores. I was fully depressed and on Prozac and codeine daily for the pain. I had a couple of infections on my port site because of the fills, and no one helped me.

In the end, a contact recognised my patten of problems as similar to another of her contacts, (who is referred to as 'the informer' on my blog- if you read that far back), and she ended up telling me practically the same story as me, expect that she got herself sorted very quickly. I ended up travelling back to Brugge to see Dr. Dillemans for a check up and immediately he located the problem.

I was operated on the next day and my band was finally fixed on 9th November 2007. My bunk Mate from the initial surgery was also suffering the same problems, and travelled to Belgium the following week. Same story.

If you have supposedly have loads of fluid in your band, but still no restriction I THOROUGHLY suggest an X-ray to check your band is still connected to your tubing. You needn't suffer pain as I had. Bunk Mate had initial pain, but thought it was a pulled muscle. She had no other pain apart from piling back on the weight she had lost. Get it checked out!

We had all suffered due to a batch of faulty bands, which had not been recalled. We were given our revision surgery for free and all costs paid. I was also paid out compensation. However, for about a year after it was fixed I did not have my head on right. It was so traumatic I can't even fully explain, but I just lost complete confidence in my provider, my band, the success stories - everyone who lost weight with a band was obviously a downright liar - and I just didn't and couldn't get it together.

In the end, I got a new aftercare provider and they were great. Its not a plug or anything; they helped me. I was still struggling emotionally, but after seeing Wendy, getting a few fills etc, I started losing weight. It was only the other week I realised how well I had been doing actually and blogged about it a few posts ago I think. But things were ok. I was losing weight nicely and got down to 15 stone 7lbs ( 217) which meant I had lost 33lbs with the band. Things got a bit wobbly though and I had an unfill in September last year. That was a disaster. Really I should maybe had advice like - go on liquids for a week and see how you feel. I basically had been irritating my pouch and a 1ml fill was way too much. So that's why it has taken me a year to get back to restriction as I blogged a few posts back. I have basically just been pissing about for a year like a yo yo.

So that is my very quick band story for those who haven't read my blog from the beginning - which is probably most of you - but I don't want to scare anyone. Its just what happened to me. It was a lot more drawn out, there are lots of tips that by reading them you might be able to spot the danger signs for your own self, or maybe gain some inspiration. A lot happened in the last 2 and a half years, and I was in the dark and on my own mostly. I don't frequent the message boards because the advice is always wack and high-horsey and they DON'T understand the background which is impossible to sum up in a few words... so I just avoid them. When I was seriously ill for those 6 months I posted untold messages trying to get some advice. No one gave me advice or anything that helped at all. My banding experience has been done by ME alone, and its probably been flawed and I have made very bad decisions along the way.

So that's why I have been banded for over 2 and a half years and only lose 15lbs. But last week I had only lost 13 and a half...!! I lost 1.5lbs this week. Yippee - I - ayyyy!!!

I am on the road to slim now, and I have good restriction. I have learned my lessons the VERY hard way, and I don't intend to make them again. I have a positive metal attitude, by work sucks, but at least I got rid of some pupils who made it suck hard. Things are looking up. I have lost each week (yeah, OK not every week, but that was swine flu false reading alright???!!!) and have lost a total of 6 and a half pounds in 3 weeks. That is gooooood news.

This band things works, but if you want to stay fat, you can, and will. You have to WANT to change.

I want to.

Oh, and by the way... anyone having troubles with the band...? I have pretty much had the lot. Be my guest and I will try and help you if I can.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

Boy Oh Boy

What a week. I know I was not too worried about the lack of scale movement this week... or should I say the wrong kind of scale movement... but right now i am pre menstrual and in need of a boost. It better give me something tomorrow or I am going to feel really crap. this week has not been bad, I have stayed ok, eating small portions, having protein shakes and drinking plenty of fluids, keeping off the dreaded Red Wine (well except for one bottle!! Hic!) and allowing myself to have treats when and if I want them, but in moderation. I think this weeks treats have just been cheese and chilli sauce on a couple of occasions, 1 small bag of minstrels (yeah, they are yummy little shiny shelled chocolate saucers about the size of a button!) and the wine.

That's not a lot when you consider that everything else I have consumed has been low fat, high protein & low calorie in sensible bandit portions. Sooooo I am expecting to lose this week. What I don't want to happen is that I start the curse this evening or something awful and the weightloss not show up because of water retention or something like that. I suffer bad with periods, and almost always gain water weight, and this is the one week I really need to feel good about my band... otherwise I am know I am going to want to consume B&J's Phish food, other chocolate products and high calorie junk because I am TOTM and depressed about weightloss.

There's no need to beat me up over it - I KNOW i shouldn't do it... but I know I WILL feel like it. That's just honesty. What I need is a cheer on for tomorrow. I am kind of like "Oh, I hope I lose weight tomorrow... wheres the pudding?" you know? Eating because I am nervous, which is just the typical catch 22 of us serial over eaters... We know its the last thing that will help, but we do it anyway.

So am hoping that a loss, even of a 1lb will help me keep on the straight and narrow this week when I am at my most vulnerable.

Its like I am on the verge of somethign incredibly big here, and it's all starting to work... I feel like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone "This is it. Don't get scared now..."

Friday, 2 October 2009


The sum total of dinner yesterday! WOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

I am thrilled, I finally have really good restriction, and I am hoping that things are going to really get going on the downward slope.

This was a really lovely stew - beef, red wine, tomato, olives & carrots and some thick beef stock. Really hearty and served with boiled spuds. Mmmm. 2 weeks ago I would have tucked into 4 times this amount no worries.

So yesterday was a good day again. I had 2 shakes during the day, the beef stew for dinner and a slice (albeit thick!) of cheese with some tasty humous for a snack in the evening.

I spent most of the day sat at the computer doing my accounts and groping about for things I am allowed to claim for, then stumbled on a site that listed them all and found that I had been really short changing myself for the last couple of years. Yay! Its not normal for me to find something going in my favour for a change...

Fill #13 is working wonders, I find things to help with my tax, I get 2 nice pressies from my Mum and Mother in Law out of the blue, DS's maths age has increased by 6 months in 5 weeks and all is right with my little portion of the world...

13 - Unlucky for some... but not me!

Thursday, 1 October 2009

I allowed myself some nice things

I really don't want to say that I have been BAD. I don't want to say that I have been NAUGHTY or something. Its so loaded with guilt and self loathing and I think, being someone who eats emotionally, its not a good thing for my psyche to think like that in any case.

So, I allowed my hands to put things into my mouth last night. It seems to be a patten, that when I can't eat, or don't eat (drink) properly during the day, then I crave food at night so much that I can't stand it, and eat more than I should.
Yesterday was one such day. I didn't get anything to eat all day because of the various things that I blogged about yesterday, and when I could eat, I couldn't...!
So last night whilst watching Atonement, a bottle of red, and a bag of minstrels crept quietly into my gullet. Then we decided to watch Hot Fuzz too, and during that, a slice of the leftover pie and 2 or 3 potatoes and carrots got down in there too.
So yesterday I probably had a normal amount of calories for the day, as opposed to the usual 2 protein shakes and small meal I have been having.

Anyway, during yesterdays trips all about the place, I came across this tub or fruit compote. Yummy! It goes nicely with my vanilla protein shake, blends to moosh and slips down a treat. Gives me a few extra calories, but actually not much as its surprisingly low. Also it's getting a touch boring having just chocolate, or vanilla or the 'way out there' coffee flavour I make myself by adding a teaspoon of coffee to the vanilla one.