Monday, 5 July 2010

Going pants

Unbelievably so.

oh well right?

I feel exactly the same as when I resume any diet. I don't want to. I know how hard its going to be and I just put it off, and then some.

I just cant face being banded again. I just cant face the puking, then chewing and all the messing around.

The poxy small meals, the looks when you push your food around your plate and then dash for the loo, then cooking for 5 healthy appetites and no sharing with them, even the pain of having a fill - not in my stomach but in my wallet!! £125 is no freaking joke - and that's just for 1 of them.

The pain of failing again. The pain of sharing it all with people and then having hope dashed. The embarrassment that I couldn't make it work and my complete self loathing.

This is not for me

Not now.

This blog has officially ended. I have come full circle and today weigh in at 18 stone 12 pounds.
Its taken nearly 6 years to lose half a sodding pound, so I cant be bothered any more guys.

Thanks to all of your peeps who have followed my journey, you were there during the good and the bad and the very ugly. Most of you are banded too, and as my parting goodbye to you all - may I wish with all my heart that you never have to endure anything that I have encountered.

I am jealous of all of your successes, it's true, and it doesn't spur me on, it makes me feel even more shit about how crap I am. I tried to see the other side of it all, but its not working for me. Every time I see people who were banded and the amazing results it makes me feel like a bucket of cold piss. Sorry, but its the truth. I am like the team that lost, envious, emotional, sorry for myself and know i should have just done better. Somewhere deep within me, I am happy for you all individually - but banded people as a whole make me want to cry. Its like the day the wall went up... I feel like I am on the other side of your happiness, and there is nothing I can do right now to change it.

I lay my failure squarely at the doorstep of Heliogast and their batch of faulty bands. Thanks for nothing you bunch of arseholes. You ruined my dreams and fucked my mind over. I simply cannot get over that. There are not words on this earth to describe how I feel about you. You should have put a recall on them you bastards. How many people have them still inside them? No one even knows. Lovely.

I also blame Hinchingbrooke hospital for completely wrongly diagnosing me, blowing me off with IBS when the consultant radiologist obviously didn't bother putting down his newspaper & coffee to look at my results. You made me suffer agony for 6 months. Fucking cheers.

I also blame my brain for being a mound of blubbering shit. Because of you i could not get it together after this crisis and get the FUCK over myself. As soon as I can get a transplant i am going to freaking have one. I am even considering a lobotomy. be warned you mass of grey bollocks

All three of you deserve to be imprisoned for the pain you gave me.

This was Bunny, flattened by the juggernaut. Splat

9 comments:

  1. Oh Bunny,

    I feel so badly that you are so frustrated. I've enjoyed following your journey - your thoughtfulness, your strength...I am truly sorry that the band did not work for you. I hope you don't just finish your blog - I speak for myself, but I am sure others feel the same - I want to know how you do moving forward...

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  2. No no no! That is so not what I wanted to hear. But I'm not surprised. You have suffered so long and hard with your band and progress has been so difficult. .

    I can understand why you want to give up.

    I'll keep in touch. I'm not so sure about long term band sucess. It really is not as easy as it looks

    I - and I've taken my blog down now - like many other people, feel like they can only post the positive rather than the real on a blog

    I do think that if I'd read then what I've read now about bands, and failure/re op/new rates, I would have been unlikely to have had one.

    I'm lucky cos I got a great surgeon and cos of the Euro exchange rate, a great price, and my fills are only £80 (plus £10 travel), it all adds up.

    I'm lucky cos my BMI is 22.4 as of this morning, but heck that is only half the story.

    Talk about chewing and spewing - seems to sum up my life.

    Hugs
    Hx

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  3. Bunny, I want to think about your post before replying (I'm really tired tonight), but I'm horrified that you should feel this way. The reason you think everybody is successful but you is because the happy ones make the most 'noise'. Most of us pathetic creatures lag way behind, losing a kilo every two months, blogging about anything but weight - haven't you noticed?? You've had truly appalling disadvantages to cope with, and I can see you feel very discouraged. I'm wondering whether gastric bypass surgery would sort you out for good, but don't claim to be any expert here. One thing is obvious to me, and that is that you want to sort out your weight problem more than almost anything else in the world, and if you say 'oh to hell with it' now, it won't unfortunately go to hell, it'll continue to haunt you, because you care so much.

    Please don't give up Bunny. Don't feel that lapbandworld is a happy place full of successful dieters - that's complete bollocks dear friend. Please stick with me and let's talk about it?

    Will carry on when I'm less likely to fall asleep over the keyboard.

    Hug from Caroline

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  4. fuck.

    Excuse the french. But fuck. I must have missed your last post, but I just saw this one and wtf!!! YOUR XRAYS!!!! D:

    holycowofmotherofgod

    I just cannot believe what you have been through you poor thing. I don't even want to imagine the pain, and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to go through that again.

    One of your previous posts you were considering it again... what about a different one? Like the sleeve or the gastric balloon?

    Or do you just want to try going on a normal program again with no limitations....

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  5. Make sure and send me an email Bunny When you come to Oregon..I will drive down and see you or if you are up in Portland..we can have a chat...A good one. I might try to talk you around but really..we can just talk about both of our lives over the last two years that were not band related OK???

    Tina

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  6. I know how much you have struggled over the past few years bunny... but you have been a great source of inspiration to me... THANK YOU! I will miss your blog and I will miss you even more..

    GOOD LUCK with everything xx

    LBG xx

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  7. Oh Bunny! I really hope you really aren't giving up the ghost for good! If it gives you any comfort, I have had a minor band slippage (originally thought to be a band erosion but wasn't thank god!)and am now onto my SECOND port revision within a year! Yep, it all feels overwhelming and sometimes not even worthwhile ... particularly with the amount of pain and discomfort I've had to endure. But I am determined that this is the final drama with my band. I reckon the universe owes a good turn! Hope you're feeling a bit brighter since your post. How is the family and the business going? Sorry it's been so long since I've dropped you a line. I often think of you and always check your blog. xo Miss Dee

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  8. Hi Bunny,

    I'm pretty new to your blog, but just wanted to sa, don't give up!! We all have those times when we've had enough, and would rather stay in our elasticated, stretch fabric joggers, than try again to get into our dream skinny jeans! But that's the time to get back on the wagon.

    Have a read of my blog if you want some encouragement:

    http://diary-of-a-serial-slimmer.blogspot.com/

    I often fail more than I succeed, but I'm still plodding on!

    Good Luck

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  9. Hi,

    I am a new mom who is trying to get healthy. I recently started following your blog, and really enjoy your posts.

    I started a blog of my own, and was recently given the versatile Blogger award.

    I hope you won't mind if I pass it onto you?

    Take care,

    Angie

    ReplyDelete