Wednesday, 15 December 2010

'They're coming to take me away'

Ok, please appreciate that I have unbandaged my chopped finger to write this.

My poor little finger lost a portion of itself in an incident with a rather sharp mandolin. I had mixed all the ingredients - 8 eggs, broccoli, spinach and Stilton, and had nearly finished slicing in the 3 onions when SLICH, the top of my finger comes off.

Now friends, what would you do??? Yeah, I just mixed it all up, bunged it into the pastry case and shoved it in the oven and then attended to my gushing finger.

Hey, whats a little meat in a vegetarian quiche right?

So its been in a big old dolly of a bandage for a few days now cos that cut HURTS BAD! It's not like that deep, guessing on the gauge of the mandolin that would be just  2 millimetres, but its so big an area and it keeps bleeding cos it cracks open and stings like I dunno what!

So I was going to update this thing for you and say thank you for the comments of you two ladies and Caroline sent me a lovely point by point (was gonna say blow by blow! HAHA) letter and it really helped so thank you.

I cant say that I feel like I am ready to hit the band land road again or get myself sorted again but I don't feel quite so low and distressed about it.

I think that I need to get myself an aftercare package. I mean that would seem a little bit of a *DOH* moment being nearly 4 years out of surgery, but I never had one. My fills have to be carefully planned as each one costs me £125. I just don't really have £500 spare in a month to get myself to some kind of level of restriction/sweet spot by having tiny fills here and there. I wish I had that luxury and to be honest I think I can get a package for 2 years for about £600 so I think it might be worth it. I would spend that in a year anyway, so it would take the pressure off.

I am also always paranoid about my band not working, breaking blah blah blah and it would be nice to have someone know me, my history and talk to on a more regular basis than just 10 minutes getting jabbed on my couch and adios!

I am going to think about that in the new year.

Current stresses:
1.) I am worried that we wont cover the bills for our shop at the end of the year.
I keep being told by DH that this is totally NOT a problem and there will be plenty of spoil but for some reason its just freaking me out. Maybe I am focusing on this dilemma because I have another stress...

2.) I am awaiting the test results from a skin scrape for Paget's disease of the breast. This is a form of cancer where there are changes to the nipple, and the areola. The symptoms are an eczema type patch, sometimes with oozing (sorry for grossness but after the finger thing, if you are still reading you have either already thrown up your lunch already, or you are not squeamish!). Apparently by the time this shows up you have ductal (milk tube) carcinoma. The doctor took one look at it and said "Hmmm looks like Paget's" and of course I had no idea what that was until I got home and googled it and found


A page on the MacMillan Cancer page all about it.

And there was me thinking I had some skin condition (well I still might... right? right????)


So, currently not giving much of a fig about anything at all. Strangely manically calm - yes I do seem to be able to be very upbeat and carefree in my worrying about the second stress and tragically searching for answers to the first stress at the bottom of a gin bottle!

No seriously... Its not a good time, but I am really oddly coping with it. But I did have a Chinese last night... so maybe that helped!! LOL

Oh yeah, (for Caroline) I totally know which foods to pleasure myself with. Who needs sex when you can have and Indian or a Chinky?? LOL

3.) will we or wont we get on holiday this year? I have spent copious amounts of time looking for cheap holidays. At the moment its looking very likely to be Tenerife, Lanzarote or umm any of the other ones. But I cant book it yet and I am getting stressed thinking that rather than the prices going down, they might actually go up!!!!

I need help lets face it.

To sum up how my life is right now, you can't get much closer than this little gem:

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Will lost

Ahhh guys, I really am struggling.

I was this morning 119kg, so no losses, and a bit of a gain since I bothered last time, but I am my own worst enemy.

I spend each day pretty much thus:

drink jasmine tea or black tea or black coffee

Possibly have lunch - maybe mashed potato with cheese, maybe a sandwich (prawn cocktail extra sauce on the side to help it down) maybe chicken noodle doodle packet soup. Usually nothing.

go to work, come home around 10pm order takeaway (current favorite, korma sauce for starter, followed by chicken madras and mushroom rice) or have a jacket potato with cheese and coleslaw + wine.

no work, so usually something I have made, but I rarely eat with the family. I like to wait, relax, take my time and eat at my pace on the sofa watching telly. I get myself a nice big pot of jasmine tea, my dinner, my favorite show that has been recorded on the sky+ and watch it.

Some meals I have made recently:
spanakopita (spinach and cheese pie - greek dish, filo pastry etc)
waffles, beans, eggs & gammon
sausage & mash
jacket spuds
chicken salads

oh man its so depressing.

I don't know why I am even bothering to write this tripe down.

I am in a rut, know I have to change but just simply can't be bothered. Yesterday for instance I had 3 cadburys crunchie bars, 1 bowl of chickpea curry (homemade), 2 fishcakes, and a bag of prawns in cocktail sauce and half a bottle of red wine.

Why did I pick those things? I dunno. They didn't make me feel any better, I wasn't eating them because I felt bad/emotional/happy/sad I just ate them as that was what was around.

I got fish and chips for my son and his mate who was sleeping over, DH got his own thing when he went out in the evening to a show, Charlotte had dinner at her mates house, and I made the curry with rice for Al. I had a bowl of that whilst he was eating his cos it was tasty but that was it.

I later made myself the prawn thing and sat down and watched Dirty dancing: Havana nights (sweet film).

I am not feeling particularly hungry, but if I try hard enough - and you girls know what i mean i am sure - I can get a large meal down me.

I have never got this restriction word. Like actually understood it. Is restriction when you eat it stops in your throat, or a full feeling? I mean it's 9:20am. I have had nothing to drink and am straight out of bed so if i got a slice of toast/mouthful of porridge/rusk/cornflakes or even yogurt it would go GLUNK and sit there for ages. Is that restriction??

If I have a jasmine tea or 2 and then a mouthful of toast/porridge/rusk/cornflakes or yogurt it will go down. I will feel it - like "is it, isn't it hmmm" kind of feel it and then I will be able to have another bite 2 minutes later etc.... Is that what I should do?

Cos you know, I can never be bothered. Cos its such a flaming palaver, I just don't bother. I am not hungry, so why eat? Is this the mistake??

I get peckish around about 11am and normally will get something - a biscuit, or soup or something safe. Maybe I just know this band too well and know its weaknesses and its loop holes.

I am still heavier than I was at my operation date which is nearly 4 years ago now. It will be 4 years in February.

Oh man that just makes me wanna cry. I am still paying off the loan that I took out to have this surgery. I only have another year of that and then it's gone. It just feels like money for nothing.

I dunno if it's me, whether I am just not cut out for the band and I should have had the bypass, or what. I know we had a chat with the surgeon and he asked me all the questions to see which would suit me and there were several in our 'production line' Belgian weightloss surgery package club who were advised to have RNY. But not me. He said it would be fine.

I think I am just born to be a a fattie, but I worry about so much stuff right now that this is one thing I don't think I can look at. I have ruined hair, clothes that don't fit me filling my draws and a 2 week holiday looming down on me which is all inclusive and I have nothing to wear on and no money to change  the situation with.

I am getting to the point where I really really do think that this isn't going to work for me now. I had hoped after unfilling my band for those 4 months would re-open the window of opportunity but it's not doing it the same as before. I just don't know what to do. Should I have another fill so that I am tighter than a ducks bum and only able to 'eat' fluids??

Should I be following some kind of diet?

Everyone higher up (fill nurse, doctors and even Dr. Dillemans) says that you just eat normally. I don't know what normal is. I don't seem to be able to control myself to eat the right things.

Maybe if I had a RNY I would get my act together because of the horrible side effects if I didn't. But maybe I would just find the loop holes again.

I really don't know which way is up. I don't really want placitudes, or hope, or help, I just needed to tell you all that this is the situation right now.

If I had £6k I would be on the way to Belgium I think. The only thing is, I am really scared of RNY surgery because my dad had bowel cancer and the stitches came undone inside him when they put his bowel back together and he nearly died by defecating inside his body cavity (see older posts). Apparently this is common.

Now I know RNY is not the bowel as such, but they do chop a bit and stitch it somewhere else right? What if it came undone?????????? this is what I am worried about. I would also want Dr. Dillemans to do the surgery in Belgium as I think its so much cleaner etc, but it's Belgium and if I had a problem what would happen???

I might go and visit my doctor and ask her. I mean people emigrate all the time so they cant like refuse to treat you right?

Or am I just chasing a dream that is unrealistic. Does it really matter? I have a son and husband who love and adore me and although my legs are starting to mottle with broken starburst veins from my lupus.... I am not going to die too young am I?

From Lupus information sheet: 
Heart disease is more common than expected in patients with lupus and affects up to 10% of patients. Overall it is a factor in 30% of deaths in patients with lupus. Studies suggest that women aged 35-44 years with SLE are 50 times more likely to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) than healthy women of the same age. Risk factors should be addressed eg stopping smoking, losing weight. High blood pressure should be lowered and any other contributory factors (such as the anti-phospholipid antibodies which cause 'sticky blood') treated.

I have systemic lupus and also anti-phospholipid syndrome. I am also 34 years old.

The outlook is pretty darn bleak.

Ok, I am gunna stop now. I don't seem to be able to keep my will strong and pro the cause long enough to make a difference and I don't know how I can change my inner drive so that it will stay the course.

Mind transplant?