Monday, 29 December 2008
So I am going to face the damage and just go with it and sort it out this week.
Ok, it was not good, but it could of been much much worse. I also have the painters in again, so that always gives me a couple of extra pounds to lug around.
It was a 3 and a half pound gain this week.
I am right back on it though... and to be honest, I wonder what I would be now had I not been doing the diet for the last 2 weeks... it keeps me on the straight and narrow. I would have been way off course had I not been.
So today's food was
scrambled egg and baked beans for brekkie
beetroot for lunch
sweet potato and lentil curry and rice for dinner.
I am tending to go for *wet* foods. I don't know why, but it seems that because this means I get to actually eat without worrying about puking, I take the safe option. I don't have too much trouble eating normal foods, but I just hate that feeling so much that I choose the soft option.
Changing the subject...
I am rolling with a whole new concept for DS's education. I am finding that scheduled and timed lessons are not doing it for us as a family. DS, as he gets older, is seeming to want to look elsewhere for information about his interests and they don't come from textbooks. They are very much hands on and what is happening is that he spends his day doing Maths, English, spellings and handwriting and science etc and then by the time he has finished that, what he really wanted to do that day is impossible because of time constraints. This, to me, smacks of school all over again. This was the problem I had with school in the first place. Kids don't have enough time to follow their dreams and desires and interests to the full.
Think of the things that you do well, that you like to do, that you're good at. (Things from your vocation, or hobbies, or -- anything).
How many of them did you learn in school?
How many of them were forced on you?
How many did you acquire by your own interest and curiosity?
How many of them did you work hard at because you had interest?
If your initial answers aren't glaringly obvious, ask these same questions of your spouse, your neighbours, your friends, your family.
I know that when I answer these questions I find it pretty darn amazing.
*I play the piano (learnt privately because I wanted to) .
*I teach piano - because I love kids, I taught myself how to do it... I didn't do a course in it. One day I needed a job and thought.. "Hey! I can teach piano!" and put an ad in a corner shop. that was 13 years ago.
*I do my own UV Gel nails - I begrudged the £30 a fortnight and 2 hours in a salon, so I thought "stuff that" and learnt to do it on my todd and now I do other friends too... who pay me to boot!! HA HA
*I make my own clothes, curtains, table cloths etc. I learnt from my Mum on her old 'Singer' making clothes for my dolls and teds (and for some reason endless amount of slippers). None of them fitted right ever. I progressed to bags and long skirts... following patterns etc and now I can do whatever you want me to do. I even made a fully working multi layered Roman blind which would have cost about £500 had I had to buy it!
*I learnt to type. All by myself
*I learnt to drive
*I learnt to cook from the age of about 2. I cooked a full 3 course meal for my mum and dad at 9. I cant believe I never let DS even have a go at that yet!! Who cares if its burnt really.
*I learnt to keep a house
*I learnt to navigate road maps
*I built a swimming pool for Goodness sake!
I even learned how to fill in the self assessment tax form. Tax doesn't have to be taxing... but it IS! What a joke. If I can do that without learning it at school...
There are seriously hundreds of things that I can do that I never learnt in school. They never even teach it in school. Knitting, crochet, darning, sewing, proper cooking (not some yucky half baked crumble or manky lasagna), wallpapering, painting, putting up a fence, training a dog, washing clothes so that they come out right afterwards, running a house and shopping, first aid, balancing a cheque book, using a computer, bringing up an baby, being a wife.
I am going to follow this philosophy with DS for a while. He can read well, add up and take away well, knows loads of stuff... why do I need to cram his brain full of useless muck which he will never use... or if he does, can find out easily for himself with the website google?
For one thing, the timetables and crap are NOT working... all I do is get stressed because he daydreams all day long whilst holding a pen and I am like some horrible warden jailer "BOY!!!! DO YOUR WORK!!!" at which he rapidly scrambles to it until I turn my back. That's not how its supposed to be. That's horrible.
I am my sons worst nightmare.
DS loves animals. He loves cooking. He loves outdoor stuff. We never get to do this because he is doing other stuff which he hates.
So stuff it. We are gonna do stuff he likes and see what happens.
So begins our phase of autonomous child led education.
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Oh well, a few days off in the course of things will change the scales for a week or so, but my mind set is still there.
Its impossible to be a goody two shoes when there are people having a visit. Marcie and Linda are so lovely. They are such sweeties and so enthralled by everything you show them that its such a joy to have them about.
We went to a lovely market town and went around a museum of Oliver Cromwell's House and then to a tiny little pub by a back water fen that was really great. I have never been to these places either, so it always gives me a good excuse to get of my butt and go and do something.
They are my 7th cousins, and we found each other when doing genealogy regarding our weird surname, and it has been fab just getting to know half of a family again. We have been there, and they have been here and so on and its been lovely. There are still such striking resemblances between us that its amazing.
Anyway, I have had a diet of dinners out... currys and cakes, biscuits and cakes, wine and cakes and oh I don't know, more cakes?
So its not going to be pretty, but then again at least I can get in control again.
I think actually, I need another fill. I am able to eat pretty much what I want again and I don't get that completely stuffed feeling either... Like tonight we went to a buffet - all you can eat Indian restaurant - and I went up 3 times!!! I didn't have to do that, but I could. We all know what that means right?
Anyway, I will think about that later. Right now I cant be bothered and I am gonna go to bed.
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
I made a lovely dish for tonight's tea...
4 chicken breasts
1/2 pint of aduki beans (soaked overnight)
1 can of chopped tomato
1 clove garlic
2 large carrot-size sweet potatoes cut up small
1tsp All Spice/Mixed Spice
1/2 tsp crushed chilli
2tbsp olive oil
1tbsp sesame oil
1 chicken stock cube
lots of coconut cream powder
Put the chicken breasts on a tray and cover with foil and roast.
You boil the beans for 40 minutes in the stock. Keep adding water as it seems to evaporate.
Then in another pan fry the onions in the oils and add the spices. once softened add the garlic and fry a little further. Then add the chopped tomato and sweet potato and all the beans/stock mixture and mix it all up and bring to the boil. Again add water just enough so that when you press down there is a little free sauce. then keep simmering and adding water until the sweet potato is cooked. (this is not supposed to be watery btw!) then when cooked turn off the heat and stir in as much coconut cream powder as you like and serve it with the roasted chicken. DELICIOUS
Just enjoying a G&T and looking through the flatshare wanted pages... hic!
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Oh my goodness, I feel like I am going to explode with happiness
I told the stupid COW that it wasn't working out - understatement I know - and she just rolled over and said that was fine and she would move out no worries.
She goes on Wednesday! How cool is that? I was so stressed about this situation, and now its finally over I am so drunk on the love I have for sweet justice that its just unreal.
This evening, if I had had any doubts in my mind whatsoever, then what follows sorted that...
I served a lovely soup for starter... Potato and Caraway. Everyone except her ate the lot and wiped the bowl clean with their roll. She had 1 teaspoon. Actually thats exaggerating a little... she had half a teaspoon.
Then the main was roasted veg (sweet potato, parsnip, onion, pepper) with a garlic and tomato sauce and green salad:
We have always ALWAYS eaten as a family. It doesn't matter who you are, if you come to our house, and its dinner time, you eat with us and you're at at the table. With the lodgers... I mean we don't really know who any of them are and its a chance to get to know each other and share the day and be sociable... Beeeyatch from hell has tried to schlep on us many times and today she just wasn't going to get away with it. So after pushing the soup about with her spoon and looking like she would vomit at any moment just for being around us she announces as I am dishing up the main course:
AMY: "I will eat my main in my room"
Me: "Actually do you mind not eating in your bedroom as I would rather the furniture not be ruined"
AMY: "I'm not going to eat it on the bed, I will sit at the desk!!! "
Me: "Yeah, but I would still rather you didn't."
AMY: *roll eyes* "fine. I will eat on the sofa later"
Me: "Hmmm, same thing really. Can you eat at the table like (A NORMAL HUMAN) usual?"
What the **** is wrong with her...? I don't know anyone else from Kenya, but seriously she is just off the wall weird. Trying to be nice, I asked her what her favorite food was and she replied:
"Maize and beans - every tribe has their favorite food".
I mean seriously... maize and beans??? Are you joking me? With all the different foods there are available in the WORLD, her favorite food is maize and beans? I like sweetcorn. I like beans. Give them to me as part of a meal and you are rocking. Wow, no wonder she doesn't like Roast chicken breast with Cream, shallot, garlic and bacon sauce served with haricot vert and colcannon. How awful to have to eat my food. The poor cow... how terrible I am!
SHUU UP. She has lived in the UK for 4 years. Apparently until she came here she had never had cheese... That's right cheese! I am surprised that someone from Kenya or anywhere in Africa can be that flippant with food. When you consider the fact that there are people starving in her own country, here she sits poking my food about like its some kind of slow poison. Well sorry Lady, you can just sod right off. I have bent over backwards for the cow and she is plainly a selfish, arrogant, pig ignorant, rude, contrary, argumentative wench.
Good riddance and God help your next landlord.
Just in case you tastebuds are tickled by the delicious maize and beans prospect.. here's a recipe for how to make it. Be prepared though... its really difficult, time consuming and hard, but the delicate and refined taste is obviously better that anything that western foods can deliver... be prepared for a taste sensation of your lifetime:
Recipe for Githeri:
1 cup Maize
1 cup Beans (kidney or similar)
Cook equal quantities of maize and beans in water for several hours until soft. Serve alone or with unripe cooked bananas.
Wow, that sounds just awesome. *Spews into hankie*
Monday, 22 December 2008
I am not going to go into all the details but lets just say, she is nasty to my animals - Gary, Kieth, Steve, Pauline, Mary, Felix, Dave and Dylan the dog. She sprayed air freshener at Dave yesterday to scare him off the surface he was sleeping on! ARGH I WANT TO SPRAY HER! She was nasty to me about my beliefs, had an argument with DS about 12a certificate films - a 10 year old has more knowledge and reason than her. Honestly she is a dumb head.
DS: "We're going to see Yes Man!"
AMY: "Sorry - it's too old for you."
DS: "No its a 12a. 12a's were originally 15's but they changed them"
AMY: "No a 15 is a 15...12a is a 12a."
DS:"Actually, it is a new classification that started with Spiderman. The bbfc wanted it to be a 15, but the writers said that the people who it was aimed at (8-12yr olds) would not be able to watch it, so they changed it to a 12a."
AMY: "A 15 is a 15. DUH!"
DS: "No Amy... its because..."
AMY: "jumping down throat* " Oh just shut up about it. A 12a is NOT a 15 ok! if it was it would have 15 on it. You don't know everything ok?"
Stupid bitch. NO REASON WHATSOEVER
Anyway, got weighed today. I stayed the same weight. I am really pleased with that. TB actually put on the 4 pound she lost last week... that's really sad as I know it really kills her to put on weight. This time of year is really hard for dieters. I don't have that excuse, but still seem to eat loads anyway. So we have really got to do this 100% or at least use damage limitation. after the 2 dinners I had out this week and the wine I have had I am really stoked to still weigh the same, but I tried to eat nothing bad at all on the days where I didn't have to go out. And yes, I do feel pretty darn smug :o))))) So I am still with it, and am surprised that I am too, but have a different mind on this game right now.
Dunno what I am having for dinner tonight... I have had beetroot and salad for lunch.
Thursday, 18 December 2008
Strangely enough Amy said "Oh, I didn't notice... it tasted nice". HA! What?!?!?! I mean the horrible cow picks over my delicious lovingly cooked meals like they are freaking poison - but when there is a real threat to her health (seriously they were THAT bad) she thinks they are... NICE???!!!
I just don't get the woman. She is a halfwit I swear to god.
So, nothing has changed over night in this household... I am still on a mission to slimness, DH is gorgeous, DS is beautiful, Sue is posh, Amy is a freaking wierdo & I am about to watch Lovewrecked. Hopefully its good.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
So onto diet/band news... nothing to report. No pukes, chokes or HMS's. Today's food has been reasonable but not exactly, lets say, exotic.
I have had some chilli beans, a little jacket potato flesh, 4 ryvitas as snacks, 1 can of lentil and bacon soup and some Bulgar wheat and quinoa in a sweet chilli stock... a bit like soup too really. The packet said put 500mls in a pan and boil until water is absorbed... well it didn't absorb and fluffing with a fork was NOT necessary. I had to eat it with a spoon it was so sloppy. It was very tasty though. Had a couple of yogurts to whilst watching the telly. So today's been pretty good and 100% on plan.
Tomorrow I am making a starter for my Friends little soiree. She has invited me and another Yummy Mummy around for lunch and all the kids can get together and play. The YM who invited me has 2 boys and the other YM has 4. So it should be fun for the kids. The starter is just for us three Mummys and the Other YM is making desert. So I am a bit out on a limb tomorrow with eating so we shall have to see what happens. I also have to go to DH's shop dinner on Saturday night. Its a Moroccan place so I have no idea what I will have to eat. I am hoping I can go for couscous or something like that as that will be pretty low in problems.
So onwards and upwards. Here is a funny photo of DS. We were goofing about the other day and he came up with this winner. He calls it Maths Geek...
Lodger AMY daily crap update:
Felix the cat did a fine turn out under the radiator in the Utility room. Its his favorite sport and one of his favorite spots - the others being the front door mat, the hallway at the bottom of the stairs and behind DS's desk in his bedroom. I cleaned it up and then went off. Came back and it was still stinky, so sprayed a couple of squirts of lavender airfresh.
Amy: "Who was that?!"
Amy:" Eww who was that... its terrible * fake cough splutter* I am opening the window"
Me - thinking she can smell the cat crap says: "oh felix had a slack bowel again so I freshened the place"
Amy: "It was you????!!! *fake cough* that spray *choke* it's come straight in my room!!"
Classic Comeback from Me: "Oh I'm so sorry... I thought you would prefer the smell of Lavender rather than the smell of poo. I wont bother next time."
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh yes. She had nothing to say to that and glared at me and went back in her coven.
Interesting how she choked on the sweet smell of lavender squirty. Mind you, maybe I should have known better because while I was at work the other day she sat on the sofa for 3 hours with a pile of cat poo right on the floor in front of her, and carried on watching the telly. I came home and was like "OH for heavens sake" but apparently she "didn't know where the smell was coming from" so just left it there. She is obviously used to lesser dwellings. silly cow
Monday, 15 December 2008
TB lost 4 (the cow!) but there does seem to be a lower weightloss when you go 'on a diet' with a band... i guess that's because you are already having a limited amount of food - so I am well pleased with 2 and a half. Oh man, I was so looking forward to today. I have been really excellent all week and am looking forward to my treat today which is a movie and a couple of glasses of red wine! Excellent. I am trying not to use any 'syns' up today so that I can use it all for wine! HA HA HA
Wine is a killer to my eating plan so I plan on having it as a treat as some would a chocolate bar. I like chocolate, don't get me wrong, but I like wine better.
So we went to the group this morning. The usual suspects were there. I cant believe that some of these people have been going for 7 or 8 years! WOW. Anyway, it means they keep their weight off. There are a lot of big losers in this class as opposed to the Slimmingworld PIG's group that we used to go to. We were the longest members of that class after a while and we had only been going 18 months and lost a couple of stone each. This group is really nice. Yeah its a bit happy clappy and everyone is always chatting and butting in, but there is a real feeling of 'community' and people are genuinely happy for you when you lose weight or if you are having a hard time.
Where we live is on the edge of the 'funny country' where people start to get a bit odd and whole villages are related... you know the kind of thing. If you haven't lived there for 10 generations then you are an alien. The class with the PIG as the leader was in a town near to us... our local area, but this class is a little bit further away in the opposite direction and they have 'accents' and are a bit... random. Its so strange that its only about 8 miles from our village, but no one from this group ever ventures out our way... They always stick within their little micro climate of towns.
Well, I am a true outsider anyway, so I don't care to be honest. I think they let us in so that we could help expand the gene pool!!
So this funny little class in the Fens is where we are at Monday morning 10am. Next week they are having a christmas party and bringing all kinds of fat free fodder that they have cooked or mucked around with - so I think we shall give that a miss. The last thing I want to do is eat a load of stuff and waste syns on things I don't like and frankly don't know what or where or how they have been cooked. Eeeww. *shudders* I think I am getting a bit like my Dad in that respect.
So the band is behaving and I have nice restriction. I am sick very rarely now I am behaving myself. I have finally given in to its demands. It seems to like a mouthful of food, then a minute wait, then another mouthful or two and then a few minutes rest and then I can start to eat slow mouthfuls a little easier. I often have to stop after 4 or 5 bites and wait for maybe even 10 minutes so that 'something' can happen and it will allow me to eat. Then I seem to able to eat pretty nicely on a small amount and feel completely satisfied.
Today for instance I came out of Slimmingworld and I handed TB a Ryvita goodness bar(I can have 2 of those for a healthy option). She ate hers in 2 gulps and I had to nibble and rest between swallows and then I had to put it down 2/3rd though and come back to it later as my band said "No!". Then we went shopping for groceries and came home and I have just had 2 ryvitas... dry... and I actually like them like that. I have never considered eating ryvita without something on them and to be honest I find really dry things are easy to eat as they break apart easily and don't turn into a sticky bolus. Then they travel down and swell in your stomach which makes you full. So why I never thought of this before, I don't know.
Dinner tonight is Ham with cauliflower and green beans and a cheese sauce. No syns there either, and then onto the vino!
Its rent day today too... This brings me nicely on to Amy. She is our new lodger. Wow, she is a piece of work. She is argumentative and stroppy and completely the most contrary person I have ever met. She also makes absolutely no sense in her reasoning, and doesn't let you answer when you are responding to the problem... unless she wants to make you feel awkward and then she will leave a nice pregnant eternity whilst she looks down at you and sneers with her head doing a wobble side to side. ARGH
for instance... a conversation last night between Sue and Amy went thus:
Topic - questions asked during interviews (as Sue has an interview for a job on Wednesday)
Amy: "So are you a leader or a follower"
Sue: "I am a leader. Well I like to think that I am a leader anyway"
Amy: "Why are you a leader?"
Sue: "Well I don't like being a follower"
Amy: "So you are not a follower?"
Sue: "Well I guess sometimes I have to be if I am told to do something"
Amy "HA! Then you are not a leader then"
OH MY GOODNESS
what a nightmare.
I could go on and on and on, but she just has these cyclical conversations and they are so DUMB its unreal. I don't like iT when she is in her sullen moods and just sulks about and stays in her room, but I prefer it to her being stroppy.
Also, she crossed the line. The fat line. Now you and I both know that this line is a serious thing in my house and Sue crossed it and I dished her completely in a previous post. Well I nearly threw both of the cheeky SWINES onto the street last night for their outright cheek telling me - YES TELLING ME - that basically I had no self control and was the scum of the earth for being fat and taking up health care and breathing space. Apparently slimmignworld is a waste of time because obviously what is the point in me going if after 2 years I haven't changed my habits and still eat like a hog and the band is a waste of time all I needed was to get some self respect.
I MIGHT ASWELL JUST KILL MYSELF
How would you guys have liked to be a fly on the wall of that conversation. Both of them (Sue and Amy) talk over you and at you and I couldn't get a word in edgeways so I feel like poisoning then both, or gobbing in their soup or something. The mean, horrible, NASTY DOUCHE bags.
No one should treat people like that, and they didn't have a shred of empathy whatsoever. When I said that for me, food was my cocaine, they both snorted. Its not worth me wasting my time, but it makes me feel like a subhuman and I wonder what they think when my fat ugly carcass walks around the house. I am obviously repulsive to them. HOW DARE THEY
Right, heres a hAppy little recipe:
I made this because I had left over jacket potatos.
*3 jacket potatos (very well cooked)
*2 garlic cloves
*'green' leftovers - I had brocolli to use up
*veg stock cube
*salt and pepper
boil it all up for about 20 minutes and then whiz with a hand blender...
Tasty - the jacket pots must give it that extra flavour.
Saturday, 13 December 2008
I feel positive and happy and confident that this I Will succeed with the help of my band.
So food today:
*2 ryvita goodness bars
*jacket potato with home made veg chilli and salad
*lentil and pancetta soup from tesco (yum!) 1&1/2 syns
veg chilli recipe: (nice and wet for us bandsters)
1 onion finely chopped and 'fryed' in water until soft
3 cloves garlic crushed and 'fryed' with the onion once it has softened
1 red pepper finely chopped and added to onion/garlic mix
1 can of chopped tomato - blended to a passata and added to the mix.
2 cans of red kidney beans added
4 tablespoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon salt
2 tsp ground black pepper (for the heat)
2 teaspoons sugar
cook for a while until well cooked on a very low heat in a large heavy based pan covered.
then eat with a little rice, or jacket potato or on its own.
completely fat free! Yum.
Friday, 12 December 2008
I have however, had lots of change this month.
I now know that the work thing was my MAIN issue. Its been about a month since I started in on my new schedule and it is FABULOUS! Why of earth didn't I do it sooner?
I now work from 8am until 10pm on Saturday (No lunch break/tea break/fart break unless I have a cancellation!) Its a complete SHOCKER of a day,but the sheer bliss at knowing that when I hit the bed in the evening I have done the bulk of my work for the week. I do something ugly like 24 lessons in that time, but its lush having Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday completely free from work. Tuesday is no problem. Its a typical 3:30 'til 9:30pm job as was the usual daily nightmare until I shoved 'em all on a Saturday.
This massive change to my working week has had a number of fascinating results. I have started, ever so slowly, to get my life in some kind of order. Rather than lurching from one end of chaos to another in the daily battle to survive work, home ed, running a house, cooking for 5, being a wife/mother General dogsbody... I now seem to have moment when I have nothing to do...
Nothing to do! Geeeeez! I actually sat down today and planned all DS's worksheets for the meetings for the whole entire complete full month of January. THAT IS UNHEARD OF!
And what is more - I enjoyed it! HA! Unreal.
Things that used to be a chore have started to turn into a kind of peaceful necessity. So I have gotten a schedule for DS to do all his work and complete everything within the year - not too early, and not too late. He has (daily) 2 pages of Maths, 5 Handwriting books (trust me this is NOT excessive with the state of his handwriting - if I can call it that!), a grammar worksheet, 1 page of science, 40 spellings a week (20 old, 20 new), magazines articles to read and his reading book. He also has to tidy his bedroom and make his bed every morning. Twice he has been banned from ALL screens for a week for not completing that task and it has been carried out too.
BTW - I used to get banned from telly as a kid... now it has to be ALL screens because the kids are crafty little blighters and watch stuff on the laptop. If you ban that too, then they are getting just as much fun on the PS2 or the wii or the DS or the Gameboy. Sheeeesh. Then they have the cheek to say they are bored. *Fumes*
So, with my life calming slightly more each day, I took the plunge and decided to go back to Slimmingworld. I know, I know... You have heard it all before, but I need this. I need the weekly weigh in. I need the push to get myself going and I need the financial slap of shelling out, piking out and then regretting it. Oh alright - I need the group hug ok??? No, in all seriousness, I really do miss the whole thing. Slimmingworld worked when I had will power. It stopped when I lost it after 2 years. Now I have a prosthetic willpower, and I have been 'doing the diet' religiously all week. I haven't made all kinds of everything and trying to make cake with chickpeas or cheesecake with quark or some other rubbish like that... I have just been following the diet. Sticking to 2 healthy milk/cheese options, 2 bread/cereal options and the free food for what ever colour day I am doing.
I have been surprised at how little I have needed. I have given myself a complete kick up the A^$£ and told myself that I seriously don't need chocolate or wine to make me feel better. What I need is a bikini in a size 10 (well even a 16 would do!!!! HA HA). That will make me feel the best ever.
So here is my week in food so far:
Monday 8th December
*mushroom soup (mushrooms, onion, water and stock...) Mmmm sounds yum eh? Well actually it was
*mashed banana snack (HMS'd it all back up)
*Lentil curry sans rice (onion, lentils, tomatoes and curry power)
*2 slices wholemeal bread (toasted to within an inch of tinder)
Tuesday 9th December
* 1 slice wholemeal immersed in 1 egg battered around a bit and thrown int' frying pan.
*1 can spaghetti in tomato sauce
*1 can of baked beans in tomato sauce
Wednesday 10th December
*28g porridge oats made really runny
*Can of spaghetti in tomato sauce with 28g cheese on 2 slices toast
*minuscule portion of vegetable lasagna and salad
Thursday 11th December
*Diet chef meal - left over from my last crazy health kick- the pasta and tomato one (yuk)
*jacket potato with baked beans and 28g cheese
*4 dark rye ryvita crackers on their own as snacks throughout the day (YUMMMM!!!!! Seriously - these are great)
Friday 12th December
*tuna mixed with yogurt and blended to make a pate (or something resembling very wet cat shit) on ryvita - HMS'd the lot, then revisited it later when I got over the stench.
*prawns and smoked salmon in home made cocktail sauce (light mayo & tomato sauce) with a bit of green salad
*1 large fresh fruit pot - grapes, melon, mango etc.
*mango smoothie - just mango and a little milk.
Hows that... Not bad! That's ace that is. Obviously those who know how the band works will know that the portions are about the same size as you would give a scrawny hamster, but its a nice well rounded pile of food this week.
So next on my hit list... dunno. I am really in quite a pleasant and, dare I say, Smug mood? I feel content and happy. I would feel even more content had I not got to get up and go to work in 7 hours. *sigh* But as I said, its all over this time tomorrow. Yay!
Weight wise, I have been steadying out at the 16 stone 8 mark. I was 16 stone 8.5 at slimmingworld on Monday, so that's a good place to go from. My lowest was 15 stone 6 just before I went to Malta back in June. I have not been good AT ALL since then, as we all know and coupled with the disaster that was the Unfill from hell, I am pretty stoked to only be a stone heavier. Most of the weight gain came on after the unfill and I just haven't bothered to get rid of it again... so here we go peeps. Watch this space because this time I truly am determined.
Today marks the start of my daily blog again too. I really enjoy writing this diary, and from the emails I got whilst I was not 'in the mood' you do too. Thanks everyone.
Right, lets get down to some fat busting...
Oh, and P.S... our new lodger is a HORROR. We all hate her and hope she moves out soon. Lets hope she reads this blog! Will tell you more tomorrow. *shudderz*
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Wow, I cant believe its been a year since all that pile of cack went down. This time last year I was sitting in bed with my bunk mate in Brugge for the second time in a year awaiting surgery tomorrow morning.
So whats happened in a year..? Weight wise.. well I was 17 stone 12lbs this time last year and today I am 16 stone 7. So that's 1 stone 5 pounds off (19lbs) which I suppose I should be glad at.
Then of course I have spent about 4 months being too tight and not losing anything, and then 2 months being wide open and bunging on a stone while they oh-so-carefully put back in the precious fluid ml by ml which I had had removed in the first place (all at £85 a stab BTW!)
So, I am not too happy, but in a strangely better frame of mind about the coming year. I have lost 2 and a half stone since I had my band done. This is more than I EVER lost through slimming world, weight watchers, Atkins or any of those other pile of crap diets I tried. So success...? Yes I think so.
One thing that is resoundingly clear is that I fight the band. This is not the weight loss miracle that you think at the outset. Its beset with difficulties, misery and emotional problems - and that's if it goes ok! If it goes wrong, as it did with me, then add to that even more stress and misery and pain.
I constantly want a day off from my band and I don't think a day goes by when I don't wish I could eat *something* whatever it might be. Would I have it taken out? No. Would I do it again? Yes, I guess I would. I know deep down I just have to play along with this game and I will actually win. I do sometimes wish I went for the bypass... but on the other hand that can have its problems too so nothings as straightforward as we think it will be.
So onto the next phase.
I am secretly pleased that this year has gone because I feel like I am back where I should be and if I lose another 2 and a half stone this year I will be looking pretty fine.
I am going to go for it and not think back.
(famous last words right!)
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Ok, yesterday was good. I didn't celebrate with food, or anything else for that matter. I had my granola for breakfast, a Nakd food bar for what ended up as lunch, a slice - nay - a bite of cake at TB's house ( excessive consumption avoided due to the chocolate and chilli flake flavour! Not good, trust me), 2 large beetroot with salad cream for dinner and some pea and ham soup from the diet chef delivery box as a supper.
So that was a sweet day, eating wise. It was a crap day in other ways owing to the presence of Felix, our lodger's cat. This cat can pee and crap around the house for England. I found 6 huge dumps under the kitchen cupboards. We have a little bit of skirting missing at the bottom of our kitchen cupboards next to the dishwasher. Its hardly big enough to get my arm in, so after dismantling the skirting boards around my whole kitchen, I located 6 turn outs by the said little cat - Felix. I then neat bleached the floor and sealed it all back up again, including the 'hole' where the little sod was sneaking in and crapping.
That disgusting moment of my life over with, I decide to put on some washing and as I dump the laundry on the floor I see one of my nice shirts suddenly wick wetness from the floor... Yes, you guessed it, it was a nice pool of cat pee. *sigh* so I bunged all the washing in the machine with some detol and cleaned up the pee. I came back to get the washing from the machine 40 minutes later and there was a mahoosive great turd right there in front of the machine!!
Ok, so that's all done and then I hear a wail from DS... "Oh mum...? Think you better come here...!"
Yes, another nice present on all the leads to DS's PS2. Yummy. Have you ever had to wipe cat crap from a bundle of leads. It ain't fun and it ain't pretty. There is absolutely no way to avoid touching the stuff. Oh my it's grim. Of course, its bad enough when its your own cat, but when its someone elses little precious its just foul.
Right then, well if that hasnt put you off your lunch, nothing will.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
I weighed in this morning at I was 16 stone 4lbs.
I mean... What?
I have no idea how my body can lose 3 pounds in 24 hours, but evidently it did.
I don't know about you, but this just seems to make a mockery of the weighing machine. To reiterate... I weigh in at 9:20 after using the loo, naked - bar my leg and armpit fuzz and before I eat or drink anything. If yesterday was my weigh in day, I would have been completely gutted and probably had a take away and a bottle of wine, puked it up and had something else and then been completely bad all week because of feeling so rubbish about a.) the lack of weight loss and b.) the fact that I am eating like a hog. That is why losing weight is such a nightmare.
But, as luck would have it, yesterday was NOT my weigh in day, and thankfully it was today and I am happy... disturbed, but happy.
It would seem that whether you have a good day or a bad day, you just have to keep with the programme. I am going to try - yes TRY - and remember this the next time I don't see the results on the scales that I want to. If I try and remember this incident, it might stop me going completely off the rails for a day, let alone a week.
So, I am moving. I am off the mark again. Wont be long until I am back in those 15's again and not feeling quite so bad. I am committing to another week of weightloss and that's how I am going to attack it. I cant focus on how much I need to lose, because its just too big a number. I think its something like 70 pounds. Even 7 pounds is too much to focus on. The best way I think is to focus week by week on my eating rather than the weight I will lose. Means that every Wednesday is a little bit more interesting too. So, I'm signing up to another week on my band behaviour bond.
The bond is thus:
I will eat 3 regular meals plus 2 healthy snacks
I will think about what I am eating before I eat it
I will stop eating when I am full
I will not drink alcohol
I will not drink with meals
I will keep active and do all my lessons
I will feel positive about myself and my skills
I will complete tasks that I must do
I will be in bed before midnight every night this week
Its now 11:15am and I have already completed DH's Tax return for him and arranged an extra lesson today. I have been in and fed Mary, played with the kittens and am about to attack the garden as it is now a jungle and small children from the area could get lost in some of those brambles!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Lunch - raw food bar
snack - banana
dinner - 5 pieces of tortellini in sauce
snack - McDonalds vanilla milkshake.
Total cals... well the milkshake has 420 alone. The bar is 100, the granola and milk 235 and a banana is about 100. The tortellini...about 100 aswell.
So roughly 1000 cals.
Feel like crud.
Went to see the film IGOR. It was ok, but came away wondering how I can claw back the wasted hour and 30 minutes of my life. Guessing I'll probably not be getting the DVD.
Work = Hmmm Good knowing that tomorrow I only have 1 pupil, even if it does mean that the 6 that have cancelled because of 6th form parents meetings, vomiting bug, colds and other assorted ills means I have lost £70.
Pessimistic? Who me?
Ok... positive stuff:
DAD CAME HOME YESTERDAY!!! Yes, he is back on the ranch and feeling ok. His wound/hole in gut is now the size of a small tea plate rather than a dinner plate which is good news. There is a lot of new skin growing. His old stoma site his like a woman's breast and he jokingly says that he doesn't need Mum any more now that he has it!! Its so swollen underneath where his old bag was, but healing. Apparently its 'normal'. Must say i haven't seen anyone else with a breast growing out the side of their tummy, but there we go. His new stoma is working well, and everything is ok by the sounds of it. He is wired up to a battery charger on one side of him, and the vac wound suction machine on the other, so he wont be doing any hiking any time soon - which is a seriously good thing! He is so hyperactive that he cant sit still usually, so this will put paid to that and force him to chillax.
Another cool thing... We now have 7 kittens... yes 7! Our 6 kittens have all been named now - BOB by the Moore family, LOLA but the Green family, SUMMER by the Elliot family, OREO and KIMBA by Steph and Nick and SQUIGGLES by Ally and Dan. However, SQUIGGLES gained a sister today. At work, Ally could hear squeaking and found a little stray feral kitten about 2 weeks old abandoned under a prickly hedge. It was not too well and she took it to the vet. He had to remove two pieces of plastic from its little throat and then give it treatment for a week. They gave it back to them on Friday and they had been feeding it every two hours and helping it go for a poo and a wee (normally the mum does this you see by licking). They brought Her - called PRICKLES - to visit her brother when I came up with a plan. PRICKLES has been adopted by Mary. We placed her near to Mary and Mary licked her all over and didn't show any signs of a problem at all. Prickles then joined her brothers and sisters, who are all a bit older and more boisterous as they are 4 weeks old today, but seems no problem. I kept a close eye on them all morning and then saw her have her first feed. She was straight in there and latched on for a full 7 minutes same as all the rest of them... well except one which I kept swapping over on rotation seeing as Mary only has 6 nipples!! Then I left them alone for a bit. I came back just before I went to work and weighed all the kittens. The fattest was Summer at 15oz, and Prickles was 10.7 oz. I thought this would be a good indicator of her growth in comparison to the others or if we have to top it up a little bit. Anyway, then Mary laid down again ready to feed, so I let her feed them and Prickles was straight in there again. I weighed her again and she had taken 0.3oz milk on board which is perfect. As its from Mary as opposed to formula its got to be more nutritious for her. So far, so good! I looked in on them a minute ago and they were all cuddles up together in a big pile with Prickles in the centre. Ahhh
Thursday, 16 October 2008
2 days work is much better that 6 though lets face it.
Breakfast was plain low everything Granola - I keep feeling that I have to quantify that because I know that normal commercial granola is really high is sugar and stuff... but this is wholegrain, seeds and nuts, no added sugar and only 50g.
Lunch was pureed mutton stew from my gourmet ready meal selection, then I later had a small slice of home made bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and a tablespoon of fahkes (a Greek lentil dish)
snack - my raw food carob bar, but had to HMS a lot of that back up as I was way too hungry when I ate it. I seem to have to lubricate my pouch before filling i with dryish food.
Dinner will be a pureed chicken stir-fry which Heather made for us. I have added curry powder and now it resembles a Thai red curry. Looking forward to that, but still suffering from the HMS.
That's it really... Feel pretty good about self, and those surrounding me. Had a bit of a wobble earlier in the day when one of the parents of a pupil whom I teach obviously thought I was just trying to get rid of her daughter, when I wasn't, but soon changed her tune when she realised that it was EVERYONE not just her little precious that was having to change slots. She thought that because she had seen a couple of them at school and they had said nothing that they were obviously hiding something and started on about "well you have so many students, that's impossible to do all of them in one day, and what about X, or X and X and what about the X's..." and when I told her the times that they had booked, suddenly she back right down and reality must have dawned that I was indeed not doing this out of spite or something. It made me feel really really shite to be honest because she was like "Well, I am really disappointed that you are giving up" and not in a nice way, but it did end in "Yeah, I can see you have got to sort things out, well I can be flexible on such and such..." I know I should feel OK about that, but its left a nasty taste in my mouth like I was being accused of something.
Other than that I'm cool.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
It is the aim of my band to restrict my eating - not to give me an eating challenge!
I will henceforth eat little portions until I feel my band and then stop, rather than challenging my gullet to a dietary trench filling contest.
1.) I have lost weight - currently 16 stone 7 pounds. So that is 1 pound off in 10 days (although in actual fact its more because I never tracked the weight going up a little higher than that during that 10 days... hee hee) 21 pounds in total.
2.) I am roughly 1/5th of the way to my target weight.
3.) It is midday and I am eating my breakfast because I haven't been hungry until now
Today's food stuffs...
50g Granola (the healthy low GI one)
pitta bread, lettuce and hummous
Nakd raw food bar
Dinner... Not decided yet. I guess one of my pouch meals or soups. yummy
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
I need to be really careful.
It seems to take me a little while to feel the restriction, in this case just over a week.
50g Belgian Chocolate Granola - it's low GI and low everything so it sounds nicer than it actually is!! 234 cals
Raw food bar 100 cals
Dinner: Pea soup - 150 cals, but negligible because I threw up every mouthful... I cant seem to take the whole pea husk thing.
Lamb hotpot. still eating (at midnight) but if I do manage it all then another 200 cals.
Pretty damn fine huh!
I realise that I had this band for restriction... so why the hell am I trying to force food down my gullet. its like I am trying to eat the same amount of food, but with a band and wondering why its not working. I am trying a new method of eating and its going really well.
Ok, I had some issues this evening with the pea soup... but I know that was from the pea husk thing.. Its was really husky (LOL). I could feel it in my mouth that it was like dry on the edges after a swallow... So I am gonna avoid it. But this Lamb hotpot is really tasty and I have pureed it too, just in case. I am eating it with a tea spoon and making sure I chew it and resting between each mouthful (mainly because I am typing too!), and its working really well.
I have been drinking copious amounts of green tea in a quest for STRONG flavoured drinks with no calories in. I don't like the stuff, but it has a great bitter twang-smack at the end of a glug, so I am persevering with the muck.
So far, I have managed 6 half teaspoons of pureed lamb hotpot and all's good.
I have decided that I am not going to force this band to eat anything, or do what I did on Saturday that was just plain STUPID. I was in Aki-Teri and I ordered a prawn curry. It was lush, but I couldn't eat it. I got a couple of spoons of sauce down me and a couple of grains of rice and had to stop. I didn't even get to eat a prawn when I had to throw. So after trying and trying and trying to eat the thing, I said "Forget this, I will eat this gorgeous king prawn and then go puke!" I chewed it and loved it and tasted the sweet meaty thing and then hurled it. I just got so sick of not being able to enjoy something. I am not going to go to restaurants any more because they just make me sad. Eating dinner at the dining table with everyone is bad enough, but I can manage it compared to lush restaurant food. I just want to eat too much.
I am going to try and get this band and me on the road.
It is at this juncture that I have to admit I have an eating disorder. I finally chatted it through with someone and without going into too much detail, I sabotage my weight loss because I don't feel worthy of being thin/don't want to be thin for reasons yet unknown, eat because I am happy, binge because I fear the scales saying I have put on, so therefore fulfill the prophecy. I am in a cycle of binge eating/drinking and unhappy that I cant do more.
I discussed this after I started to seriously look into getting my band removed and 'upgrade' to RNY bypass. However, I can see now that its a psychological problem I have not a problem that surgery will fix, because the problem will not go away even if I have another surgery, and I will not see the results I want from that either because of going in to the whole thing with a wrong psychological attitude.
So, I have to love myself, and part of that is getting rid of things that I don't like.
I hate work. Everyone knows it and I just plain loathe it. I looked at my diary and my Sis said to me today that I can obviously survive with half of my students. I balked a bit, but realised she was right. At the end of the month I only ever earn half of what I could have done because of cancelling pupils or whatever because I cant face it or something. So in that case, what is the point in keeping 'teaching' these ones if I hate it. So I am changing my strategies. I am working on Saturday only. If they cant fit in with that then they can do the other thing. This way I think I will actually like my job, because its over with in one day, in normal working hours. I don't have to rush around at 9pm every evening making dinner etc and eating late. I don't feel rubbish about the fact I cancelled lessons and comfort eat and therefore I think its linked to it all as well.
So that's what I am doing. I have worked out that I could in fact give up work completely if I wanted to - which was a big shock to be fair - but realised that is not what I actually want to do. So I am going to continue, but under my own steam. I don't owe them anything, and if they really like their lessons with me, then they will fit it in around me wont they. I have to put my sanity, sons education, home life and health before them. I feel better already about it! Its nice to have that extra bit of cash, and its nice to know I don't really need to, which I never knew before I actually sat down and worked out exactly what comes in and goes out etc. and analyzed all the things like petrol/groceries etc.
Another thing is I am always so tired that I neglect a serious side of me that needs to flourish. I need that 'me time' - I really do. So this will give me some space to enjoy that as well.
So, tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and see whats going on. We shall see.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
So to update you about the food..
This week, on top of the 1000 cals a day given to me by the Diet Chef meals, this week I have had:
2 wholemeal pitta
cheese and onion sandwich filler
bacon and cheese sandwich filler
about 5 fromage frais with fruit pulp
2 bread sticks
milk for my many coffee's
2 large gherkin's
2 cardamom muffins that I made (small cup cake size)
I think that's about it. Absolutely no wine *SHOCK HORROR* or sweets or anything really really bad. Its amazing how guilty I feel just eating the above in excess of the Diet Chef meals, even though all the veg are allowed and honestly a couple of bread sticks and a muffin aren't going to make me a heifer are they!
I am kind of looking forward to seeing how much I have lost on Friday. I can feel it in my face along my jaw that its not so pudgy. It had got a little pudgy from the 1 stone weight gain, and this seems to be where it went and where its gone from first again. I would rather it came off my bum, but then I guess more people look at my face than my bum these days anyway!
We currently have 3 extra housemates... Sue, long term lodger that she is, Nicky from Korea has now been here 1 month - that's gone really quick - and Heather a girl from Birmingham who is here doing some work experience after finishing her degree, to help her get a job. Personally I thought that was what the degree was for, but apparently degrees are as common as fag butts outside the local pub on a Friday night!
I feel quite exclusive not having a degree... maybe that's why I actually have a job! I wish I didn't have to have a job though. I hate work with a passion. I want to be a Mum and that's it. If DH ever gets a good job again (unlikely) then I am quiting. I bring home quite a nice amount of cash, but after you take out petrol money and books and stuff like that, I am getting a pretty thankless wage for a really hard and skilled job. I cant bring myself to put my prices up either as I feel terrible about it.
Anyway, I am off to bed now and I am SO having a lie in in the morning.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
So, now I am at 7mls, how do I feel? Well, I'm not hungry. I haven't HMS'd or PB'd either.
I have joined a new scheme. Originally I bought it from a company called Diet Chef. I thought it would be the same as that diet I tried several years ago (see very old posts) called Body Chef, where they deliver your food ready to be cooked all in a ha,per 2 times a week and you just munch your way through it. This was before I had my band obviously. However, Diet chef is slightly different. It gives you a breakfast, snack, lunch and evening meal for £190 a month. Now, that is a lot of money to stump up at once, but I bit the bullet and went for it because I wanted to have food ready for this month so that I can really push ahead and go for it to lose the excess I have put on during my time 'sans saline'.
This is what you get:
You have 125ml milk allowance and you can have any amount of veg with your main meal as long as its not potatoes or high cal ones.
I started on Friday, and was hungry several times during the day, even though I had a banana and also a pitta bread with my soup. Saturday was the same, and I was very hungry between meals, but forced myself to stick with it. Sunday was a different story. Obviously I had my fill in the morning, so couldn't eat anything before that, and I was STARVING when I went in to see Wendy, but afterwards I was not hungry. I had half my snack bar, plus several soft drinks during the day and then my dinner when I got in... just the packet amount nothing extra, and I felt fine. I didn't even have my soup. Yesterday was good too. I had my soup for breakfast, granola for lunch, snack in the afternoon and dinner in the evening with a corn on the cob. I did not feel hungry all day.
BUT, now I know what is in the Diet chef meal box... WHEN WILL THESE PEOPLE LEARN... I can now buy it individually MUCH cheaper. I can buy (including shipping):
32 packets of Lizzi's Granola for £15.51
36 (not just 28) Nakd bars in 4 different flavours for just £22.00
28 packets of soups in 4 flavours for just £44.52
28 packet meals in 11 different flavours for under £82.00
( both from http://www.lookwhatwefound.co.uk/ )
Which is a total of £164. That will save me a nice £36 a month. So guess what I will be doing?
This is much cheaper than Slimfast or Lighter Life, tastes great and is REAL food where you can still get your veg in as well. All the food is really wholesome and made from 'happy' animals who go to the slaughter house with a smile on their face and a wink in their eye and all that tripe too apparently...
However, I have been in EXCRUCIATING AGONY since Sunday evening. I seem to be a person who suffers big time when they have a fill. So, after spending all of yesterday in bed - literally high on codeine, I went to the doctors and have been prescribed antibiotics because the scar is swollen and inflamed and red rimmed. Not the best picture in the world, but you can see its not flat like it should be...
I have no idea why this has to happen to me, but it just does. Each fill I have seems to give me more and more pain. I had yesterday off work, and today too. I just NEED this thing to get a move on and help me to stay hunger free. I really truly am fed up now and I want to get cracking. I am glad I purchased the monthly food package, because it means I have food right there, right now, right when I need it and I don't have to just grab something.
I actually just eaten some of my Nakd bar. I started to feel a bit peckish (it's just gone 2pm), and I have only been able to eat 3/4 of it and then had to stop. Too big bites I think, and had to HMS - the residual effects are subsiding right now and I will finish the rest of the bar off in 10 minutes or so.
It's funny, because it is not food that regurgitates, but saliva. I seem to stop eating when I have had enough and my mouth seems to make more saliva and it is this that eventually made me have to be sick. That was what came up anyway, not the bar!
These bars are yummy! The chocolate one is my favorite. It's that raw chocolate taste... slightly bitter/sour and I love it. Its like having something naughty. They are completely uncooked, totally raw food which is great and very filling. Considering they are only 100 cals each the sustenance you get from them is much more than any other 'bar' I have tried. I like the Kellog's Special K breakfast bars... but only because of taste. They don't touch the sides or keep me full or anything. There is a hell of a lot of nutrition in these too and they are low in their glycemic load.
Anyway, am off to bed for a sleep as my guts are out of control with pain.
The foam dressing is cut to the approximate size of the wound with scissors and placed gently into position
The perforated drain tube is then located on top of the foam and a second piece of foam placed over the top. For shallower wounds, a single piece of foam may be used and the drainage tube is inserted inside it.
The foam, together with the first few inches of the drainage tube and the surrounding area of healthy skin, is then covered with the adhesive transparent membrane supplied. At this stage it is important to ensure that the membrane forms a good seal both with the skin and the drainage tube.
The distal end of the drain is connected to the VAC unit, which is programmed to produce the required level of pressure.
Once the vacuum is switched on, the air is sucked out of the foam causing it to collapse inwards drawing the edges of the wound in with it.
Fluid within the wound is taken up by the foam and transported into the disposable container within the main vacuum unit.
My Dads wound is obviously a LOT bigger than this. These sponge things come in all kinds of sizes which is great and as the 'juices' from the wound that make scabs and new skin are sucked from the bottom to the surface the skin gets a fresh supply of this wonder serum which basically grows you a new tummy! Amazing, and all natural basically.
He is now only on Paracetamol regularly, and in no pain at all.
We have 6 beautiful kittens and they are all so gorgeous and all of them have already been sold can you believe!
This is the most beautiful photo of 'BOB' as named by his new owners.
I will add a photo of each one this time so that I can remember them forever. I wont be keeping any of this litter which is a real shame as they are so amazingly cute!
Onto the band... well I am going to put a post about that later on today. Just to whet your appetite, I am strangely worried about it all...
Monday, 6 October 2008
I went to WLS clinic on Sunday en-route to the hospital where my Dad is.
I weighed in at 16 stone 8 pounds. That's just gruesome, but basically I have put on a stone since my un-fill. It could have been a hell of a lot worse!
I told her all about how I was feeling - very unrestricted, hungry etc. I told her how I had committed to my weight loss again by ordering a months supply of food from Diet Chef. They provide you with breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner of wholesome low Gi food for £190 a month. Its not necessary to keep it in the fridge or freezer - you just store it in the cupboard and it should be 1200 cals a day if you stick to it. It turns out its actually 1000 cals a day, but they allow you some fresh fruit and veg to bulk it all up.
I told her how I thought that I needed a big whack this time because I had not noticed any difference after any of my subsequent fill and that frankly I am running out of cash (not just for the fills, but for petrol to poxy London and back and the week off work recuperation!)
She has given me 0.7mls this time. this takes me to 7mls total in my band which is half a ml more than I had in there before she removed 1ml on August 10th. So it really seems like it was Malta that messed my restriction up. It just got so aggravated that it was a vicious cycle.
Anyway, so far so good. I never do that whole liquids thing because I just can't face it, and I want to know quickly whether or not I have restriction. Well, when I compare how I felt on my new Diet Chef meals on Friday and Saturday to how I felt yesterday and today, there is a big difference. I am FULL! I was literally starving hungry on the other days, but I haven't had a single hunger pang today.
So hopefully everything will start to get back on track.
Monday, 29 September 2008
However, I am feeling * Not Bad *
This morning I went and got DS from Lotse and Csilla's where he had stayed for the weekend so we could do the hospital runs. Being Hungarian they are not too up to speed with the whole English education system of GCSE's, A Levels and NVQ's etc... so I spent an hour or so going over Their daughter Lili's possible education routes, had a coffee and come back home.
When I got home and it was about 12, and took a call from Mum saying that Dad was being moved to a 'normal' ward. I am in two minds about this. Its obviously good news because he is getting much better, but there again, the nurses swan around in their outdoor clothes and the cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired and its where he has picked up the previous 2 infections right? So its a bit of a catch 22.
Anyway, enough about all that rubbish, I am fed up with talking about it.
For lunch today I had home made carrot soup. In it was just carrot and onions and a bit of coriander, salt and pepper. I had 3lbs of carrots to use up, so made a whole cauldron of it last week. I also had a boiled egg with it too.
For a snack this afternoon I had an egg.
This evenings dinner is roast chicken (not for me!) and Broccoli, Romanesco, and cauliflower and potato and gravy. That's it. So I am being good.
I have also booked a fill for Sunday. Go me!
My adoring Daddy has been moved to the High Dependency Unit (HDU). This is in fact good news. Normal visiting hours have returned rather than the "Come any time, day or night, because we just don't know if they are gonna make it" visiting hours of the Intensive Care Unit.
So Mum has moved back home too, after being put up this week by a lovely friend who lived just across the road from the hospital. This means that she can get back to some kind of normality too and do her usual day to day things etc.
Dad is still wildly hallucinating, but apparently is easily pacified. He gets really upset mainly about being sued because Mum had a massive argument with all the nurses and doctors and my brother kicking all the doors in... I stress that this did NOT actually happen, but he thinks it did and is expecting court papers. Mum has to either go along with it or calm him down... whatever she feels best at the time. I guess its a kind of cold turkey. No wonder drug addicts are so messed up man - he's tripping his socks off!
Thanks to all my band buddies who have left messages and posts and stuff. I really cherished those little words of help, thanks so much. It means a lot to me that other people are there if need be.
Onto my weight. Oh man, I am thinking about self mutilation as a last ditch attempt. I have worked out that if I chop my legs off I will weigh about 12 stone. Hmmm might be worth it. This morning I weighed in at a WHOPPING 16 stone 11. That's just terrible. I was 15 stone 7 before I went on holiday in May. I have put on a lot of weight since I had that fill removed, so its obvious to me that I still am not at the right restriction. To be honest, I don't have a lot of restriction right now. I can eat toast, pitta, meat and all kinds of everything that I could not do when I had a bit more fluid in my band.
I am at the tragic point where all this stuff with my Dad happened right on the week where I could have gone back to Harley street and got a top up for free, so if I go at the weekend, I am going to have to pay which makes me feel really crap. I am of course worried that something has gone wrong again simply because of the weight gain, and I am getting to the point where I don't know whether I can carry on or not.
I don't know whether I can continue with this band journey or not, sometimes I genuinely wonder about the blissful life I could have by having all of the fluid removed and just getting on with my life, overweight or not, until I am in a better place. I know that I will return to my normal weight of around 18 stone or something, but right now I just cant handle NOT losing weight, so its like I don't even want to try. If I try to lose weight and fail, then I feel worse than if I didnt bother trying.
It seems like just when I get up that little bit of extra will power, something happens. 2 weeks ago I joined Weightwatchers, and I did it really well all day and then Tuesday rolled around and my Dad was taken into hospital, so for the last 2 weeks I have just wanted to eat . Full stop. Today I got my period too, and am feeling heavy, bloated and in pain. I have spent most of the day in bed with what feels like a cold, but kind of isn't anything productive...yet. Headache, hot and just tired out.
Today's food... 1ltr Orange Juice, 1 500g tub yogurt, bowl of rice pudding and jam, half bar of dairy milk chocolate and a glass of wine. Rubbish.
I want to wake up tomorrow, given that my Dad is on the road to recovery, with renewed energy, serious will power, and motivation to sort my fat out. I feel absolutely horrible. Eating high fat, sugary foods does not make me feel better at all. I don't know what I do it and I want to stop.
If I could wave a magic wand and have one wish granted right now it would be to make me satisfied eating less than 1000cals a day because it will make me a happier person, able to complete my daily duties rather than moping about depressed (apart from £several million in the bank, health and happiness for the universe and that kind of thing...)
With what has happened to my Dad and things that have happened to people I know, the awful things that go on in this world and even some serious other issues in my life that I don't write about here, you would think that I could get some darn perspective, but I can't!!! At the end of the day, this is my life and this is my problem and it doesnt matter what happens to anyone else in the world right now.
To be honest, that is why I havent written much on my blog. Every time I think I want to write in my blog, I end up feeling guilty for writing about such a petty problem (in the eyes of most other people I guess). Lets face it, being fat is seriously petty problem considered with cancer or warfare right? But, at the moment I really need to talk about it. I need to feel rubbish about my weight and mourn my weight gain. Gaining a stone since I had my fill removed has made me feel like someone in my family has died. I MOURN my weight loss. Litteraly. I just dont know how else to put it. I know that makes me look shallow and like I am totally unconsiderate of others, but I need to focus on me and how I feel right now. I am fed up with dealing with other problems or feeling bad about my own insignificant worries when actually to me they are the biggest problems in my life.
If my Mum wrote a blog, then she would have her problems laid out on view. Likewise others would do the same. I know that I should think "Wow, people are dying etc and this is all I have to worry about", but I can't seem to get that perspective. This being fat thing is a huge deal to me, and I feel guilty to some extent banging on about how awful I feel because I am fat. But I guess if I had a long nose, or club feet or a hump back or some other physical flaw, then that would pervade my life in the same way. I would wish to change that. I really can change the fact that I am fat - just by not eating. The equation is simple so why is putting pen to paper and writing the answer so DAMN difficult?
Why is it that when I feel upset about my weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when I lose weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when something happens that is terrible, I want to eat?
Why? What makes me this way?
I was trying to figure out why some people have the CAPACITY to eat, and do pig out, but don't get fat. It must be because they are not driven by emotional need. Others have the EMOTIONAL NEED to eat and don't get fat because they don't have the capacity to eat too much of the wrong thing at one time or over and over again. And why do some people have the CAPACITY & EMOTIONAL NEED?
It seems to me that anyone with both these PHYSICAL (capacity) and MENTAL (emotional need) states is Obese.
Lets fact it, we have all seen a scrawny bint completely pigging out at Pizza Hut or (like my brother) eating donuts for breakfast and lunch daily, but not putting on an ounce.
We have all seen a skinny mate crying about a lost boyfriend eating the contents of the fridge and wiping their chocolate covered mouth on the back of their hand.
But seemingly these people never do this ALL THE TIME. My brother, I have noticed will eat cakes for breakfast, have donuts for lunch and go home to a bacon sandwich, but when he gets full, he stops. Dead. He doesn't snack. When he is full he is full. That's it. So when you actually add up the cals he takes in in any one day, it only ever comes to about 2000. He eats NO vegetables, NO fruit, NO full meals. His eating is the most rubbish that I have ever come across, yet he is 6ft 4 and weighs in at 12 stone. Most likely Underweight!
What is this category? He doesn't have the capacity, nor does he have the Emotional Need. He is the category DEVOID, in that he eats to fuel his body only.
So there seems to be 4 categories.
DEVOID, CAPACITY, EMOTIONAL NEED, UNBALANCED
DEVOID - those who do not have the capacity to stuff themselves stupid. Those who do not/rarely have the emotional need to stuff themselves stupid.
CAPACITY - Those who have the capacity to stuff themselves, and do so on occasion. Those who do not have an emotional need to stuff themselves - the absence of which means these people are not heavily overweight.
EMOTIONAL NEED - Those who have an emotional need to overeat, and do so only occasions of that emotional need. Those who do not have the capacity to overeat to the extreme regularly.
UNBALANCED - Those who have both the capacity to overeat and the emotional need to overeat. One drives the other resulting in heavy overweight.
I have a friend who, when its her TOTM, or having a bad week at work, or an argument with her boyf, will go out for coffee and cakes and eat kids sweets and a bottle of wine, box of chocolates and really blow out and then doesn't gain weight because its not a lifestyle thing. Its a once in a blue moon. Normally she wont eat the next day because she is too stuffed from her overindulgence. There is nothing about guilt or anything like that.
Obviously there are fine differences between these groups but as a broad brush stroke, i think everyone could put themselves in one of them to a large degree.
I doubt anyone who has capacity and emotional need to overeat is thin. In fact I double dare them to tell me they are! I think as 'fatties' we are on a perpetual struggle. Its the mixture of physical and mental (dare I say problems) that give us our terrible situation. I thoroughly believe that it is NOT my fault that I am fat. I have a problem, or a syndrome or something. It makes me feel sick when some (usually very thin!!!!) people tell me that I can just sort myself by eating correct portions etc. I wish some serious scientists/doctors would actually try and work out what this is. I seriously think that they are onto something when they make a drug that curbs appetite (the Capacity problem) or a drug that makes us feel better like Prozac (the Emotional problem) but has anyone who has taken these drugs (I have) actually felt their appetite curbed, or better in mind frame enough to not want to eat their cadburys chocolate bar?
I don't think so.
There HAS to be a way to combat the deadly mixture of these two horrible things. For people with both Capacity and Emotional eating problems, its not going to be enough just to fix one or the other. There needs to be a wonder pill that makes us maybe radically NOT LIKE food, or for it to taste bad, whilst also curbing the appetite properly. Now, that is a drug that I would take any day.
Ask someone from the DEVOID category what they like about the dinner they are eating, and they will reply (more or less) "nothing". They don't get pleasure out of eating at all. The people of this category are always slim. Funny that.
Ask the UNBALANCED about what they like about their meal... you might want to get comfortable for some time!
Right now, I know that I am full, but I could SO eat a plate of singapore noodles and sweet and sour sauce! Wow, I need to go to bed before I do myself some more damage.
Being fat for me, truly is a form of self harm by proxy. I have to admit I often eat to punish myself. Oh my God I am a psycho.
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
Run down of stuff:
Wednesday 10th September - Reversal of illiostomy after cancer of the rectum (Bowel Cancer)
Sunday 14th September - He had his 1st turn out in 6 months, which apparently was great!
Monday 15th September - Released from Hospital.
- Evening - pain in side and shoulder
- Night - could not sleep, excruciating pain
- Evening - A&E dept. given morphine to help pain. temperature, low BP, high pulse/heart rate obvious signs of infection as his body was in shock. Wound opened and blood & puss pour out and even spray my mother in the face!
- Night - wound stitches removed and scar opened up. A large amount of puss, blood and faeces removed from abdominal cavity through site of old stoma
- Night - Brought back from surgery straight to Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at approx 7pm. Completely our for the count on Life Support machine with respirator and 14 automatic drug administrators and untold monitors.
Friday 19th September - In ICU -no change. Further surgery to wash out abdominal cavity and check for further localised infection. Anesthetic switched off at 6pm and put on heavy morphine. Wake up begins - or should do.
Saturday 20th September -In ICU - no change, still asleep. Very slight awareness to family voices. scrunching of eyebrows, especially to DS's voice and Mums.
Sunday 21st September - ICU - Nurses tried to wake him up by stopping morphine. Came around slightly but in obvious chronic discomfort, so morphine substitute re-introduced. Completely out of it, seemingly more asleep than before.
Monday 22nd September - ICU - STILL has raging temp, low BP, high pulse/heart rate and cannot breathe on his own - just small changes in awareness only. raising arms without particular control and raising eye lids a little although heavy towards family members. wriggling in bed, moving legs, but very obviously drugged movements like someone who is brain damaged.
Tuesday 23rd September - ICU - turn for the worse. Less movements, not absorbing food through the tube any more and excess building up in his stomach and going bad, having to be regularly pumped out. Food only being fed intravenously now. Still aware Mum there, but observations were not good. seems as if he does not get on with the morphine alternative, so put back on morphine. Possible lung infection, possible stomach infection. Tests
So I am a bit jiggered to be honest.
Also on Thursday, Felix (aka Dodgy) one of Mary's kittens she had back in May was savaged by the next door neighbours dog. He has broken ribs, broken pelvis, puncture wounds, pneumo-thorax and other associated shock problems, but is thankfully out of the woods.
Sue (our lodger) is £415 lighter and he has spent the last 2 nights in the Maternity cum Intensive Care caravan on the front drive. However, he had to move into the main quarters today as Mary gave birth this afternoon and evening to 6 lovely kittens. They are all yummy.
Here is a video of number 5's birth. They are a proper mixture. 2 are black and white tuxedo style and the rest are a tabby blend. One is a grey tabby and the others are varying degrees of tabby right down to black with grey go faster stripes down the side! 5 girls and 1 boy!
Thursday, 11 September 2008
A round up...
We lost young Josh (I think I mentioned that before) and immediately advertised for a new housemate. We found one and Nicky has moved in. She is really nice. She is Korean and learning English at a school in the city. So every day is a delight for her as she tries something new - mainly in the food category, but everything English overwhelms her. She is so pleased to be able to stay in a 'typical English home'... Yeah! Laugh your heads off..that's right, typical. I think I would go for 'Crazy' or 'Bloody Mad' English family to be honest!
Anyhow, she is in, paid up and life is sweet on that score againthankfully as suddenly losing £320 a month overnight tends to put the willies up One!
Work - it's been fine, but I have noticed that I dread Wednesdays. This is because I have a family of acute nerds who in my opinion should:
a.) get personalities
b.) get social skills
c.) get some furniture (instead of having one small sofa and a massive Yamaha ONLY in a 25 x 14ft room!)
d.) get personalities
e.) and other stuff!
So, it was obviously with deep joy that yesterday rolled around after having a most beautiful 6 week rest from what must be the most inane geeky family in the world.
It had actually got mildly more bearable about a month before the holidays, when the mother of said geek family, actually stopped her lessons because she had too much work on. So, when I arrived at their empty chasm of an abode yesterday, I was thrilled when she told me she was starting again. Frankly, I would've liked to have known that I had to sqeeze an extra half hour into my schedule before hand, but there we go. So I smiled sweetly and thought of the fat cheque.
To be honest, the lesson actually went well, because I was dreading it. Yesterday morning, I sat down with DH and we had a massive chat about it. I was all for slinging in the towel (as I did not know that Mother wanted to kick start again!), but he said that maybe I should just regain control by putting them a little bit out of their comfort zones. Hmmm thinks I. This could work. I actually felt really good when I told each one, turn after happy turn, that we would be doing something different and not just sticking to the stuff they liked/was easy for them. It went surprisingly well.
When I feel in control, I feel ok about my job, but some of the upstarts I teach like to tell ME how it is. Obviously I have only been doing this for 13 Years... what do I know right? Anyway, long story short, yesterday was full of little mini victories for me. So I will endeavour to focus on the whole pay cheque thing, and just teach them, and not try not to groan outwardly when I sit for 2 hours on a hard stool and teach 4 people who have no opinion, or spark, or conversation, or passion for what they are learning and indeed paying for.
Also, yesterday my Dad had his reversal operation. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer back in the spring, remember? Well yesterday he had his colostomy bag reversed, and yesterday evening was sitting up in bed eating tomato and cheese sandwiches and ice cream with a big white bandage over the bit where the stoma has been these last 6 months. He is delighted. I have no idea when he gets out of hospital, but its not the big operation like it was last time thank goodness.
So, foodwise and bandwise...
Dunno. I have been sick a couple of times this week. I have been pretty good with my eating, no crap like crisps or biscuits or wine...
trying to remember my food for the week is hard. Yesterday I made ratatouille and rice for lunch, and in then evening we had fish and chips. I had 1/4 piece of cod, 6 chips, 1/2 sausage and 1/2 fish cake. I was actually full about 10 mins into the meal, but it was so yummy I cheated a little and followed every mouthful with a little sip of orange juice so that it made it wetter and would slip down. I know that's REALLY naughty, and I wont do it again, but it proves to me that I have restriction, and more than I did before Sunday's fill! I think I do have the restriction just about right now. I am gonna try and stop freaking that I haven't, because I honestly think I am about right. I am still 0.2ml below my highest fill level, so I think this could be about it, as I don't want to go back to where I was before!
After yesterdays dinner I felt horrid. I felt really bloated and awful. I lay in bed and I actually had tummy pain like I needed an alka seltzer, so that kind of food is just not doing it for me. So its back to meat and 3 veg again. I am not even going shopping tomorrow because I physically cannot get anything more in my cupboards or freezer. Its got to the point where I am going to the supermarket out of habit rather than necessity, so I am going to make what I can out of what we have for a week or so.
Tuesday! I remember now, I made purple sprouting soup followed by roast duck and green vegetables. I was sick after this meal.
Today, I don't know. it will have to be an oven job because of the schedule for today, and everyone will eat much earlier than me. I think I will make a quiche and salad. Easy peasy, and they can serve themselves then.
So that's just about it. I am taking Steven to the vet in half an hour to get his mini pom poms removed as he has taken to peeing on beds and washing and starting all that territorial 'Man Cat' rubbish. Hes a little young, but I just cant have cat pee on beds. NO NO NO.
My scales have run out of battery so I have no idea how I am doing since Sunday, and I am not going to worry until Sunday to get a good reading, so there we go. Over and out.
After reading through this to check for errors, it has flagged up to me that I keep trying to PROVE the band. This has lead to my dawning realisation that if I keep trying to prove the band, I am over eating and therefore not going to lose weight. I can PROVE the band is ok by just eating normally and seeing the weight drop off. I have no idea why this hasn't dawned on me before, but now it has.
Resolution: I am gonna eat normally and prove my restriction is right by my weight loss, rather than keep eating until I feel I need to be sick. That's just plain madness!