Monday, 5 July 2010

Going pants

Unbelievably so.

oh well right?

I feel exactly the same as when I resume any diet. I don't want to. I know how hard its going to be and I just put it off, and then some.

I just cant face being banded again. I just cant face the puking, then chewing and all the messing around.

The poxy small meals, the looks when you push your food around your plate and then dash for the loo, then cooking for 5 healthy appetites and no sharing with them, even the pain of having a fill - not in my stomach but in my wallet!! £125 is no freaking joke - and that's just for 1 of them.

The pain of failing again. The pain of sharing it all with people and then having hope dashed. The embarrassment that I couldn't make it work and my complete self loathing.

This is not for me

Not now.

This blog has officially ended. I have come full circle and today weigh in at 18 stone 12 pounds.
Its taken nearly 6 years to lose half a sodding pound, so I cant be bothered any more guys.

Thanks to all of your peeps who have followed my journey, you were there during the good and the bad and the very ugly. Most of you are banded too, and as my parting goodbye to you all - may I wish with all my heart that you never have to endure anything that I have encountered.

I am jealous of all of your successes, it's true, and it doesn't spur me on, it makes me feel even more shit about how crap I am. I tried to see the other side of it all, but its not working for me. Every time I see people who were banded and the amazing results it makes me feel like a bucket of cold piss. Sorry, but its the truth. I am like the team that lost, envious, emotional, sorry for myself and know i should have just done better. Somewhere deep within me, I am happy for you all individually - but banded people as a whole make me want to cry. Its like the day the wall went up... I feel like I am on the other side of your happiness, and there is nothing I can do right now to change it.

I lay my failure squarely at the doorstep of Heliogast and their batch of faulty bands. Thanks for nothing you bunch of arseholes. You ruined my dreams and fucked my mind over. I simply cannot get over that. There are not words on this earth to describe how I feel about you. You should have put a recall on them you bastards. How many people have them still inside them? No one even knows. Lovely.

I also blame Hinchingbrooke hospital for completely wrongly diagnosing me, blowing me off with IBS when the consultant radiologist obviously didn't bother putting down his newspaper & coffee to look at my results. You made me suffer agony for 6 months. Fucking cheers.

I also blame my brain for being a mound of blubbering shit. Because of you i could not get it together after this crisis and get the FUCK over myself. As soon as I can get a transplant i am going to freaking have one. I am even considering a lobotomy. be warned you mass of grey bollocks

All three of you deserve to be imprisoned for the pain you gave me.

This was Bunny, flattened by the juggernaut. Splat