Monday, 31 March 2008
Weight 16 stone 2 pounds and holding...
The time has come, and I am now sabotaging my weightloss. I am doing it consciously.
I get to this point on whatever diet I am 'doing' where I decide I just cant take it any more.
Admittedly, there are quite a few things going on right now that could also be making me revert to type, but I also feel that this particular weight is a point I don't believe deep down that I will ever break through.
I spent ALL of today in bed. ALL DAY! At 2pm I had a glass of squash and 2 weetabix. I then went back to sleep. I got up at 6pm and drank the cold coffee that was at my bedside which had obviously brought in by DH earlier to tempt me to get up.
Then I made dinner for DS and also for myself. I made some spinach and ricotta tortellini and topped it with some puttanesca sauce that I had frozen from a couple of weeks ago. I managed to eat half of the plate.
Then I later had another glass of squash.
Good day so far... then I started looking at the web at pictures of Stoma's and illiostomy bags and all kinds of stuff about colorectal cancer and other peoples stories.
I grabbed a box (!) of toffifee that Carina's Mum had sent to us in a big parcel full of goodies in a 'Thank You for having my daughter and looking after her' gesture.
Each toffifee is 45 calories. I ate 13. do the maths.
I then went back to the cupboard about half an hour later and grabbed bag of Lindt Nougat eggs that also came in the package. I had 4 of them, as DH swiped one. I also had half a bottle of red wine - in total and lucid knowledge that I am going to SERIOUSLY regret it tomorrow.
So today my intake of calories was 1913 and I am feeling like a sad sack of shit.
My calorie intake is calculated by the daily plate to not exceed 1650 cals per day so that I can lose 2 pounds a week. I have never exceeded that amount.
I feel totally sick and ashamed of myself, but at the same time kind of pleased too.
Boy am I glad I have a fill coming up on Saturday. I knew it was a good idea to book that bastard. I have been the same weight for the last 3 weeks. I cant help but think that the daily plate is in fact wrong because I have not gone above 1500 cals during that whole time, and mostly less than 1000; According to them I should have lost 2 pounds a week. Just shows not everyone is a statistic that fits an equation huh.
I can feel the pressure of being in the 15 stone somethings and there is something in me that does NOT want me to get there. I am hoping that when I push through that barrier I wont have any more head-fucks like this, but I am guessing the barrier between 14 and 15 will be the same.
So I might not weigh for a couple of weeks (did I just say that?) and see if not knowing takes the pressure off or drives me out of my mind and straight into the nut house.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
I need these boosts occasionally. I have been really really bad the last week or so. I haven't eaten over 1500 cals on any day, but its all been crap. I have tried to include my veggies and stuff, but my Dad's operation and situation is really taking its toll on my eating. I don't even bother to try and stop myself. I look at chocolate and just eat it. Its like I am resigned to it.
Thursday: In hospital in High Dependency Unit. Blood pressure raised and very bloated from surgery. In obvious pain and wincing at ever couple of words he said.
We have come home now and hopefully she can then have some peace and quiet and space to get her head around everything. Although she obviously loves having us there... 3 extra bodies makes 3 lots of extra mess and bother and DS is boisterous and jumping up and down. Its not conductive to thinking straight!! If she needs me, I will be there in a blink. I think that the thing she needs most now is to just be thinking about herself and Dad for a bit and being able to do what she wants rather than what everyone else wants for a change. Everyone worries about the person in the hospital bed, but no one really gives much support to the one trying to keep everything together and cheer everyone up and keep everyone's spirits up.
Sunday, 23 March 2008
kids + snow = lie in for Mum and Dad
*Insert blank, furious face, of a mother who works fingers to the bone for
said child to have nice clothes*
Saturday, 22 March 2008
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya!
Today I weighed (many times just incase)
16 stone and 2 pounds
The lowest I have ever been with my band is 16 stone 3 pounds. That was on 16th May Last year. Wow, this makes me feel completely awesome.
Its absolutely GREAT to be in Uncharted Waters again. There is something awful about trudging the same couple of stone up and down and up and down over a few years. It makes you feel really useless.
There is no doubt now people, MY BAND IS WORKING!
LONG LIVE THE BAND
Ok, the last couple of days...
Went to Mum and Dads yesterday. Had a really cool time and a good laugh. I ate the following:
small pot of mini eggs
few more of DS's mini eggs
half a chocolate egg
packet of hula hoops
chicken curry and rice
Not good, but the calories were actually reasonably low at 1200.
I know that its calories that count at the end of the day, but it still makes me feel like a greedy pig when I eat chocolate. I didn't exactly have anything else! However, I don't want to be someone who subsists on a mars bar and a coffee for lunch. What with Dad having Bowel cancer I think it brings home that I don't want to eat junk any more. I really felt grim yesterday evening and drank several glasses of water throughout the night. I am just not used to that much crap any more I guess.
Anyway, today has not been any better to be honest. Its been a bit of a rubbish day and we have been rushed off our feet. Shopping, hair dying, and again because it was DREADFUL, etc etc.
I didn't have breakfast as I wasn't hungry at all. We had lunch at KFC. I ate 4/5ths of a twister and gave up after that. I kept it all down which I am glad about, as I ate really really carefully. I was still eating when everyone was finished and DS was eating his ice cream! A normal KFC meal for me would be 2 twisters, large fries and a large drink and an ice cream. That's what the band does folks! WICKED HUH!!!!!
Then there was the hair disaster. I have obviously been black haired for a while. I get bored easily, so I decided to go back to blonde, or brown or something... anything! I put a whole heap of bleach on my mop and left it there. When it had cooked for about 40 minutes and I had washed it out, I revealed a delicate shade of violent orange.
Seriously you could NOT get this style in a hairdressers. I had a black fringe with white (YES WHITE) roots, orange back of the head with scarlet streaks and a mixture of orange and flame coloured patches interspersed with black highlights. My whole head had about 0.5 cm of WHITE roots. Its was AWFUL. It also felt like a birds nest!!
So I died it another colour... I realised that it had an ash hint in it too late, but actually its not so bad. Its kind of a pinky brown... Hmmm But at least its not on fire any more.
I still have black highlights which actually look really radical... Might have those again!
Right, see yaz folks
Thursday, 20 March 2008
I have now lost 24 pounds - 16 stone 4lbs this morning
1 elusive pound away from my all time low of 16 stone 3 ... cool.
At least now I don't need to worry that I have put anything on or anything like that.
mars bar shared with DS
mussels in tomato and pineapple sauce. Mmmmm
half an avocado
I love mussels. You can just put ANYTHING with them and they are fabulous. These were lush wild Cornish ones. To die for. They are my all time favorite food now.
I will get some more on Tuesday next week - can't wait
Oh and I forgot, I also had a slice of DS's sponge cake that he made. Bad news I'm afraid. I puked most of it back up. Its just too dry, and I cant do dry.
Other than that, no PB's
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
My Dad is going to have surgery on Wednesday. 1 week today and it will be all over thank goodness. Apparently the cancer is localised, hasn't spread, and is totally sortable.
One mill stones less.
I cant describe how I felt or how I feel now, but I wish that I could have the operation for him. I know what surgery is like and I know I can handle it... Dad's never been in hospital. Its so strange the way things change and you want to protect your parents rather than how it used to be. I would totally do it for him. In a blink.
Today has been good. Banana for breakfast, Home made ratatouille on toast for lunch, then more ratatouille on pasta in the evening. 2 yogurts in the evening.
I am going to weigh in soon. I have been putting it off, I have to admit. What with having the curse and then having a couple of pig out days until I pulled myself together, I know that I need to see something nice. If I get on those scales and it hasn't moved in the right direction I will be devastated. So I am giving myself a little time to make absolutely sure that what I want to see WILL be there.
I will see how I feel tomorrow. I always take a drink to bed with me, and if I cant face weighing in, I always drink when I wake up. I never weigh after food or drink, so it tops the wondering instantly.
I also have not done any regular exercise since being banded. I am very active as you know, but I haven't joined a gym, or started a morning walk or any kind of routine. I am now glad that I haven't done this. If my weight starts to plateau out it will mean that at least I will have one more type of ammunition in my arsenal.
I so want to get the next half stone off. I cant wait.
Sunday, 16 March 2008
1 bowl of mini shredded wheat pillows with pomegranate (apparently) in them. Bit strange, but filled a hole. In fact i didn't even have lunch as I was still full.
15 black olives
This evening I made risotto -
Rice, onion, garlic, lemon zest, rosemary, lemon juice, white wine and peas. Had it with a nice salad. YUM.
I worked out all the calories for the whole meal by making it 'a meal' on my daily plate. The whole thing when you add all the ingredients together was 2200 cals. It divided unusually into a good 7 portions, so that's a pretty good value dinner for me at only 315 cals. Bargain.
Me, DS, Xandra and Maria all had 1 portion and a salad each, and when DH got home from badminton he had 2 portions and no salad. I have just put the last portion into a tub in the freezer for another day.
I like this new me. I like the girl who makes too much food and freezes it for another day. Its well good having a lasagne in the freezer that's home made, or a chilli, or some home made chicken soup all portioned out.
Right now in my freezer I am very proud of the fact that I have:
4 fish pies that I made all in individual used yoghurt pots.
1 beef chilli to serve 5
4 portions of lasagne individually wrapped
1 pot of risotto
7 bags of chicken casserole
...and all the other shop bought stuff.
Also I have fallen in love with a food. Mussels. I have been yearning to go back to our chateaux just so that I can have them! So I was looking on the net to see if I could buy them fresh and live... and you can! £3.50 a kg. I have ordered some and they will be delivered on Thursday. I have my wonderful 'moule' cooking pot ready to go, so yay I am gonna eat some serious mussels! They are a GREAT bandit food. They taste FABULOUS, they are FULL of protein and they are only 1 calorie a gram! WOW. So 100g mussels, all beautiful and tasty are only 100 cals. 100g mussels will totally fill me up ready to go! And the best thing about them is that they are as easy to cook as a lettuce.
Saturday, 15 March 2008
Lunch: a yogurt
Dinner: Chicken Caesar Salad with HOME MADE dressing, lashings of red of wine and 4 packets of sesame snaps. Yes, Packets.
The dressing is made thus:
1 cup very finely grated strong cheddar (didn't have Parmesan)
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of lemon juice
2 tablespoons of olive oil
1 clove crushed garlic
mix mix mix and it becomes a thin dressing... weirdly... that is AWESOME over chicken salad.
If you like garlic and tang, you GOT to try it. It has got to be an award winner.
Obviously I didn't have much of it, as I feel the need to keep stressing are like a 5 year old's.
I think I consider people who read this blog who don't know about the surgery to think that I am eating the same amount as I used to. In fact I think that's what I think of myself. Because it is so TOTALLY different from what I used to eat, I think I have to explain myself because I don't want people the think I am still eating loads... which evidently I am not.
I have decided too that I am NEVER going to buy a bottle of wine again. 1 glass is fine. More than that means a SERIOUS head thumping headache in the morning. What would be the point in buying a bottle? If I go out, I will have a glass or something, but I am not buying it for the house. I enjoy wine too darn much to throw half a bottle down the sink. Waking up with the mother of all headaches this morning has totally convinced me that I just cant take the alcohol any more.
Its so cool! I mean, its not cool because I really love wine, but I HATE headaches worse. So my diet is obviously seriously affecting my body and this is the good news that is cool! I don't have food in my belly to soak up the booze any more. That equally means I don't have the food in my belly to make me a porker any more.
I really do have trouble expressing what I feel about this band on here... Its like I want to write a whole thesaurus of words to describe the bliss that is having a band (that works!)
So another kind of blow out day for me... I really don't like eating crud any more. I have been really enjoying making meals and stuff for the whole family and enjoying my small portion of it. I am always last to finish so I feel like I have still eaten loads!
One day I might make myself a dinner like I used to eat and see what it looks like. I haven't been out to dinner at a restaurant since having my last fill, so I think possibly the plate size and portion size will shock me. What a shame that I can only eat at those swanky posh places that serve you up 1 pea, a lettuce leaf and some sauce!! HA HA
Friday, 14 March 2008
What is it with that word? Cancer... it's HORRIBLE
Today my food started good... and ended bad. Surprised? I'm not.
Lunch: bit of pasta
Dinner: Chilli con Carne and rice (Home made)
Evening snack: 200g bar of Dairy Milk Whole Nut and 3 glasses of red wine.
Cals: 2100 - the highest since my 2nd surgery I think!
Food is evil. Its like a drug for me. I abuse food.
I am glad I have my band because otherwise my food intake today would have made a heinous bulk up of my body mass index.
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Anyway, the curse has staved off all thoughts of jumping on the scales thank goodness. There is no way I would do it now as I know I always retain water with it. My guts feel like a water bed.
Breakfast was essentially tablets, because I felt so horrible this morning. I got up and had a coffee and then went back to bed until 2:30pm. Unlike me these days, but I felt so weak and tired.
When I got up I was hypoglycemic. My hands were shaking and I couldn't walk straight, so I immediately ate some chocolate spread in a slice of bread. Little tiny nibbles washed down with orange juice. Seemed to stop the shaking, but was still feeling decidedly odd. I had another slice of bread and some maple syrup in it and washed that down with orange juice too and by 20 minutes later I was feeling fine.
I always crave sugary food around my period... so maybe its not a case of just wanting, but needing! Anyway, later on I went to work and had a banana about 4pm. When I got home I made dinner and we all had quiche, baked beans and potato croquettes. I managed 2 croquettes and a 1/4 quiche, but it took a while.
I am still really pleased with my portions.
My body still wants to snack though! Especially at this time of the month. Towards the end of the evening I grabbed a couple of yoghurts and a nutrigrain bar - what a naughty girl I was. I cant believe that this amounts to a pig out day for me now!! HA HA its amazing!
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
'So jump on!', I hear you scream.
And here's what was left when I had finished. took me the best part of 40 minutes to eat.
This was such a lovely dinner too...
Sweet potato, Onion, Carrot, lentils, Potato chicken breast cubes and stock.
Y U M
So that's me done for the day. I don't know how many calories the casserole has, but it didn't have any extra fat or anything... just veg and water. The rest of my food for today adds up to about 300 calories, so I guess I am under 500 today.
So even though I keep worrying that I am going to start putting on weight, or that my portion sizes are getting bigger, or any other paranoid thoughts, everything seems to be going swimmingly.
I wish SO much that my band never went wrong. Its really stressing me out. I am so close to being 16 stone 3, where I was end of last May... I know its dumb as anything, but I cant help but feel like its going to go wrong, or its going to just stop working, or something.
I never realised how much this is still affecting me really. I think once I am past that 16 stone 3 mark, I will start to relax and really settle my heart on the prospect of actually achieving my goal weight...
I can't wait until the next 3 pounds are over with.
That's another reason why I am so eager to get on those scales.
Monday, 10 March 2008
I know that next weeks weigh in might be a little awry because of the dreaded curse... So we shall see.
Hello to LIBSMOM who left a comment. Great to know you are reading, and I shall be dropping by your blog too definitely! Its great to spur each other on.
Right, today's food has been...
1 nutrigrain bar
some pasta, 3 meatballs and tomato sauce
Spanish Tortilla (like omelette with potato in it) and salad
I have no idea what the calories were for that little lot, but like I said its a LITTLE lot! Gotta be under 1000 for sure.
I remember once trying to eat less than 1000 calories a day for a while... This was eons ago... it was sheer torture. I still wonder how its possible that I only eat this small amount! I am so in lurve with my band - its the Business!
Sunday, 9 March 2008
I am SO tight today. My band has not been very friendly today AT ALL.
This morning I took my tablets and had a coffee, then on the way to the meeting I ate a banana. It didn't feel too good and I thought I might pb, but I didn't. We had lunch at the hall and I could only eat 1 forkful of food. Went out afterwards for an hour with Janet which was great and when I got home I thought I would try and finish the lunch. Na! I had a coffee and then started on my lunch again and 1 forkful later... I was all over and had to pb. Well strange.
There is not a blockage or anything because I can swallow liquids fine... I don't feel choked or anything and I was feeling hungry, so I thought I would be ok. Obviously I was hungry so goodness knows what was going on in there.
I then took Ds and the girls skating. I was feeling really weak having only had a banana and 2 mouthfuls of food and I succumbed to the torturous mars bar. However, by the time I got back I had to pb on that too! I cannot believe I couldn't even eat the mars bar.
So stuff dinner tonight. Its not worth the effort. I feel a little bit raw to be honest and I am gonna stick with liquids for the rest of the day. I cant face another pb today.
I wonder why I am so tight today? I have absolutely no idea.
Friday, 7 March 2008
So I am looking at it that way, and hopefully he will really enjoy his new job. He had gotten really tired and frustrated in the old one.
So I think he will probably be made redundant officially next week some time, and then have his 4 weeks notice to work. Then he starts the new one right away. Yay.
I am also riding high weight wise; I couldn't stand it any longer, and jumped on the scales to reveal...
All Care Animal
OH YEAH, Baby!
Another 3 pounds down the toilet. I think what LBG said on her last comment was correct. I don't need a fill. I have total restriction at the moment. Long may it reign.
I know its not official weigh in day, but I just had to put this one down on the chart because its so cool. Just 2 pounds away from where I was last May! Another 2 pounds and I will be once again surfing into the uncharted waters of my weightloss expedition.
When I reach 15 stone something I think I will cry. In fact, I know I will. I will also take my next photo!!!
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Band wise, I am not sure if its my imagination, but I seem to be feeling hungry occasionally throughout the day...
For the last couple of weeks, I haven't felt hungry really that often... only at the normal times if you know what I mean. But for the last couple of days, I have been feeling a little hungry and checking out the pantry and fridge and generally having a look around for food...
However, my calories intake has NOT significantly increased...
I am wondering if its a combination of possibles...
1.) Maybe I am missing Carina, and I have been anxious over what our new lodger will be like and its making me resort to old habits of comfort eating...
2.) Maybe I have just worked my absolute butt off and have therefore negated all my calories I have eaten by mass painting/housework. For my weight I burn off 450 calories an hour in heavy housework. Yesterday I was doing 'on my hands and knees scrubbing' kind of house work (with sweat!) for 3 hours solid! Its been a pretty manic few days, so maybe my body is just thinking its not only starving, but in a labour camp!
3.) I need a fill... I don't think so, because I am still sick too often on the easiest of foods, and I am full quickly aswell. I don't think this is the case, but I am wondering if maybe at some point you just need it to keep it tight around the stomach. Losing 18 pounds must mean you lose a little around that area too... (surely of drop sized equivalent anyway!).
I was wondering, because I have 2 weeks of shortly for the traditional Easter Holidays, I was thinking about doing a day trip to Brugge with the family and seeing Dr. Dillemans at the same time to check me over. That way I will know how things are going and also be able to get a fill if he thinks its necessary.
I don't really want to think about fills. I feel completely different these days and I know I have restriction, but in 3 weeks... maybe I will need a top up? Anyone know how long the restriction lasts for? I guess that's a huge question, and it must differ from person to person so strike that.
So yesterday's calories were 950:
Breakfast: 2 weetabix with milk
Snack: 3 mini savoury eggs
Lunch: 1 bread roll with beetroot and salad creme. (Geez that took ages to eat!)
Dinner: Rice and chicken curry
pudding: small portion of sponge cake with tinned peaches.
Yesterday I had absolutely NO sick episodes.
Today so far I have had:
Breakfast: 2 shredded wheat with milk
will update later.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Drum roll please...
I lost 3 pounds this week!! Oh yeah!
That takes my total weightloss since banding in February 2007 to 20 pounds, and MORE IMPORTANTLY 18 pounds since it was fixed on November 9th 2007.
YES YES YES YES YES 16 stone 8 pounds.
I think I can honestly say that since it has been fixed many things have dawned on me.
Things that I thought were impossible became like a light at the end of a tunnel, and then quickly disappeared when my band broke. I felt like a complete screw up. Finding out that it was broken after such a long time made me cry with joy because it let me dare the believe that it wasn't actually my fault.
Since it has been fixed...
I know what a 'proper' fill should feel like
I know a fill is nothing to be scared shitless of.
I know that at 5.1ml I had more restriction than I had EVER had
I know what 6.1ml feels like
I know what proper restriction feels like
I know when to stop eating
I know that I must sit down and be 'involved' in my eating
I now know why everyone says "chew chew chew" or "spew spew spew!"
I know what its like to lose weight every week when you find the correct restriction.
I know what it feels like to not be in pain EVERY day
I know that a lot of people have faulty bands
I know that I am not a failure
I know that I will reach my goal
I know I already feel better emotionally and physically
I know that I cannot over-eat any more.
I know that my band breaking was the WORST thing that could ever have happened
I know that sticking with it was the correct thing to do
I know that the band is the best tool in the world for me
I know that this band is changing my life
I know that I love my band like crazy
Oh my, oh my... within 2 weeks I will be hitting the mark where I am the lowest I have ever been. I could actually cry with joy. The lowest I got before my band broke back in May 2007 was 16 stone 3. That means just 5 more pounds until I reach my first HUGE milestone.
Cooooool. Bring it on!
Todays cals: 560
100g boiled rice
1/2 can chicken curry
1 helping peas
1 tbsp mashed potatoes
Sunday, 2 March 2008
So today has been a bit horrible. Its sort of been flat and grey and boring. I spent the afternoon and best part of the evening painting. I have painted a couple of doors, a couple of skirting's and some architrave. washed down the walls in the hall and stairs and washed the doors around the handles. I find they get really grubby for some reason. Its only when you start cleaning stuff you realise how minging everything is! So I have a sparkly house that stinks of paint. Great.
I have made the two rooms up for our new Spanish lodgers who arrive on Tuesday evening. I am really excited to meet them. I hope they will like it here and hope that they will be as relaxed with us as Carina was. we will make them as welcome as we possibly can anyway, so hopefully they will fit right in. Maria is taking the yellow bedroom upstairs and Xandra is taking the blue bedroom downstairs. I have made up both their beds and put fresh towels in their rooms and all that kind of thing. I would really like to run a hotel I think. I really enjoy making the room nice for guests.
Food wise, today has been a bit odd. I have felt hungry quite a lot today. I awoke with a bad headache, which I had to dampen with pills... the only ones were ibuprofen. I know I am not allowed to take it but I was desperate! I am sure one tablet won't hurt me. Goodness knows where the paracetamol have gone. We seem to eat packets and packets of them.
Anyway, today I have also pb'd twice.
I didn't have anything except for juice.
Pasta with pesto and Parmesan on.
1/2 Hot bread roll with pesto on
1 sausage, onion gravy, 3 green beans and some strange egg/flour gnocchi type stuff.
I pb'd on the roll, and also on my dinner. Only a little bit. Not serious, but I had to make myself sick on both occasions as my chest was so tight.
I am feeling really shit about food today. I sat looking at my dinner wishing I could just eat it all up really quick.
I did something really weird today too.. When I was eating the roll and I knew I had had enough, I took a massive bite and chewed it and chewed it and then spat it out. Then I took another big bite and did the same again. It felt really nice to have a mouth full of food and to really have a good old chew. Psychologically this is really starting to kick arse. I am obviously craving food, and craving chewing. I have taken to eating gum quite a lot too... another thing I never used to do. I was never a gum chewer. I know its really not a good idea to chew gum with a band in case you swallow it, but I am gonna risk it. I have never EVER swallowed gum yet... Famous last words? I dunno, but come on man its such a remote thing. Also I have a mouthful not some little iddy bitty piece of gum. I like to have about 3 or 4 sticks/bits going round in there at one time to get me really chewing! HA
So I am feeling hard done by and annoyed because I cant eat. Strange that this should coincide with Carina leaving and me being upset. I wonder what I would have eaten had I not had this band? So I just discovered I do comfort eat, and I kind of thought that I didn't too much.
Well I couldn't comfort eat, which is even greater news! Hmmm
Then cam home and we went to tesco to get a few bits for the evening... DS wanted to get a cake for Carina (as she is going home today) and we needed some wine and beer to take to TB's house for the karaoke. We also got DS a new Wii game to cheer him up.
Lunch was 100g baked potato with cheese... only managed half and even then less than that actually stayed down as I was one again over the kitchen sink puking.
Then I went back to work and afterwards made my way to TB's house where TB's DH had made a lovely curry as a good bye meal. I couldnt eat very much at all. I had a poppadom and a couple of spoons of curry and rice, but that was it.
Yesterdays cals were 1400. Mainly due to wine, but cake and stuff too. Not a god day cal wise.
However 6 months ago a goodbye meal blow out would have topped to 3000 cals so its so great to know that I simply CANNOT eat over the top any more. So cool.