Hate self hate self hate self HATE SELF
Want to eat
Want to eat
Hate self hate self
Hate self hate self hate self hate self HATE SELF
want to eat more
battle with mind battle with mind
HATE SELF AD INFINITUM...
...and the result is 2 and a half pounds of lard re attached to my butt.
Such is the week I have had - an endless battle with my own willpower. Groan.
My name is Bunny and I am a foodaholic.
I have also been having thoughts such as "Well what the hell, I've seen fatty's in bikini's." "Who really cares about my weight except me?" "Do I want to be slim really?" "Can I be bothered to lose weight" "What if I just give up and do what I want... will it really be that bad?"
To be honest, its been a really rubbish week - had the painter's in, and missing DS as he's at kids camp etc, - and I knew I would gain this week, so I just went with it. As you all know my weigh in is on Monday's, so on Saturday we had a slap up Chinese - aromatic crispy lamb in pancakes, shredded smoked chicken, seaweed, shredded sticky chilli beef, chicken fried rice and sweet and sour sauce and prawn crackers to the tune of £35 + bottle of red. YUM. Then on Sunday we had a huge Indian takeaway which set us back £25 and I enjoyed every mouthful.
Yesterday I went to the weighbridge and faced the music. I stayed to 'image therapy' which I think is a completely pants and pointless title seeing as all it is is reading out peoples losses/gains and asking each one how they did that week. I don't know why they don't just call it Confession! It usually ends up with a load of old biddies talking about how they do their knitting whilst watching telly, or their Friend is going to Scotland and their husband is ill and they think they have swine flu or other such petty crap that has nothing to do with slimmingworld. And then you get the ones who are blatantly not doign it, but expect to lose wight anyway and will NOT listen to any suggestions and you just want to throttle them, and then the ones who just sit there and list all the food they ate menu by menu each day for a week and its terminally boring... BUT, that said it does focus the mind sitting in front of said biddies and having them say "oh well, maybe next week" and "how can you get on track" because they all do genuinely care. Staying to Confession as I am now going to call it is good for me. If I stay I usually do better, and even though most of the people there are dappy, at least they are there to talk to and its kind of a social occasion for them, so whatever.
They all know that I have a lap band, and that I can eat any amount of rubbish, but struggle with real food, so its useful to me to be able to share my joys/failures with them. Sometimes they come up with good ideas too... like one lady found a trifle that was low in syns as she brought it in for me because it was soft and sweet and said it might be easy for me to eat and nice when I want a sugar hit rather than chocolates... so that was nice. I hate trifle though, but bless her anyway.
So I got a rap on the knuckles and I was on plan 100% yesterday and so far 100% today.
Yesterday was a bit weird... I could not drink my coffee after slimmingworld, probably because I had a spoon of pea soup and one of the shucks got stuck or something, so for most of the day until 5:30 I could not eat anything. Then after I went to tesco I was able to drink 1 litre of Innocent smoothie, which was about 700 cals for the whole carton. I was glad of that as I was needing sugar and pure fruit smoothie is about the best I can grab. Then I made a roast chicken dinner and I ate this:
Then in the evening I managed to keep control of myself and had a muller light and some home made tomato soup. The tomato soup was luscious:
10 very ripe large tomatoes
2 sticks celery
teaspoon of thyme
1/2 teaspoon of dried chilli flakes
2 tablespoons of tomato puree
3 litres of water
1 vegetable stock cube
1 tablespoon of olive oil to fry the onion a little (but you can omit this)
salt and black pepper to taste
Boil to death for about an hour and then blitz with a hand blender and then portion into food bags and freeze.
Its just great. I am about to have a bowl now actually!
Then today I have been on plan too. I woke up at bout 9:30 (DS is away on camp remember) and filled in all my stuff for the CRB enhanced disclosure check I have to do each year as I work with children, got that down to the post office and that took about 45 minutes to sort out as they never know what the hell they are doing and I have to wait and wait and wait for them to read the guidance notes (again just like the last 6 years running) and then make a phone call because they are still baffled, and then I tell them they should write "just fill in the 'check&send' form" on their guidance notes so that EACH YEAR we don't have to go through this farce and they say "what a good idea, I will do that" and then not bother again like they haven't done each time they have said that (Yeah, I get a little grieved by this!)... and then came home to find I had a music theory paper to mark for a pupil, so I did that and then had to trek back down the post office again to post that, then came home and had a coffee. After all that it was 12:30. So I made a chicken salad with the left over roast chicken from last night and added honey mustard dressing (8 syns for the WHOLE bottle so very low syns to use) and now its 3 o'clock and I am peckish again. Heres the chicken salad:
I am able to eat quite a lot of food at each sitting as long as I go about it right. I think that this is a good thing.
To eat and have nothing stick I must do the following:
1.) Drink 1/2 pint of squash or water and then have a coffee - immediately before eating
2.) Chew teaspoon size mouthfuls for the first 5 or 6 bites and do it thoroughly
3.) Chew thoroughly every other bite of the meal
4.) Stop eating immediately on sensation in chest and wait a full minute until next mouthful
These are MY golden rulz. they are not the same for everyone, but this is how I manage my band and food intake.
If I follow these rules:
I do not HMS (aka PB)
I do not have to eat between meals
I do not have any problems what so ever.
If I don't follow these rules:
1.) I have to HMS
2.) only manage one mouthful and then sit for an hour with pain in my chest
3.) not manage anything else to eat for hours and feel weak
I always call it HMS'ing rather than PB'ing because I NEVER have 'productive burps'. That has never happened. If I have a problem it always ends up in me Having to Make myself Sick or HMS for short/decency reasons
I have never in my entire time with the band burped and had blowback. Nope.
If I get a heavy chest, it usually will not pass, and I have learned to stop eating if I have the slightest sensation because experience tells me that if I carry on it will only be a.) more painful and b.) mean it could get embarrassing if in company where I cannot wait and have to throw up immediately. If I stop on first sensation I can usually wait until I am at home/safely installed in a bathroom to get on with the HMS job and I can wait out the pain as its not terrible. On very rare occasions the food does pass through, but it normally takes about 1 to 1.5 hours to do so.
So that's me for the last few days. I will try and keep with the programme guyz and girlz and let you know how its going. I am going to take more photos of meals as I find this really helps me, and I guess you too, know how much I am eating and the type of foods I can eat as a restricted bandster...