Monday, 16 November 2009

Pity Party, My House, 2pm

This is mine, you bring your own stuff!


Yeah baby, yesterdays pig out fest was huge. It was awesome in craving lustfulness and I now feel... Shit.

I have a problem. I really REALLY have mental issues.

I went out yesterday with the sole intent to buy foods. Foods for shooting up with. I spent £30 on this mess, and I felt sick afterward. I completely indulged in chocolates, prawns and wine and all that jazz and didn't really feel significantly better for it.

I bough a slush magazine and hired 5 DVD's, watch 3 of them whilst eating shite and had no one to watch me do it.

I dont want to say I needed it, but I kind of did. DH and DS were at Top Gear Live and the MPH fast car show all day, so I went to church, came home googled Ikea and thought it was a bit far, so decided to slob out. Then I realised I had about 9 hours before DH & DS got home so I went shopping for pleasure foods. I bought all of the above photo plus some other bits and bobs. I still have the biscuits and the salmon, but the rest lies in my large intestine.

I even managed to cook a roast dinner alongside watching the 3 DVDs and eating like a hog. I didn't have any roast lamb though as I felt too sick. Later on in the evening I ate a peshwari naan bread with some mango chutney. Peshwari naan is a naan bread filled with crushed almond and coconut and sugar paste and is delicious. When fresh i cannot eat it, so if you out it in the fridge for a day it goes hard and brittle. I can eat it then as it disintegrates enough to get past my band.

I went to Slimmingworld today and put on a pound. So that is 2 pounds in 2 weeks that I have gained. This is really not bad. I still cannot tell you about the stress in my last week, as I just cant go there right now, but lets just say I ate enough shite this week to gain 1 stone (14lbs) let alone 1 pound!!! stress can be a good weightloss aid sometimes, but I could do without it to be honest.

So, slimmingworld was awful. I was really trying to assess what the heck is wrong with me, and what the hell I am doing to my body and my life. I just cant work it out. I know I need some professional help but when you have a group full of crack and heroin addicts and they say how they stole to feed their habit and they lay out of it in a gutter, and then I say "yeah man, really needed some chocolate buttons so like went down the shop and ate a whole bag" it kind of doesn't really hit the same shame mark does it, although I feel EXACTLY like a crack addict right now.

I wish people could take it seriously but the minute you say you are addicted to food people immediately brush you off and go "yeah I love chocolate too" and that is NOT what I mean. I am crying out for some kind of help here.

I actually came home and filled in a 'alcoholic or not' questionaire and in my mind replaced the word 'drink' with 'Food' and it told me I was very alcohol (i.e.food) dependant!! There is no questionaire out there for food addicts and we dont get the same gravity of consideration but I am DESPERATE.

The band is good, but my head is MESSED UP. There is a woman out there with a blog called lap band for the mind. What a cool title. I need one of those. I think its called a friggin lobotomy!

I am out of control and freaking out and I seriously don't want to do this to myself.

I have to face up to this and I have this morning been doing some research into overeating, bulimia, compulsive food addiction etc.

After reading certain things about drunks, and druggies, I have decided that I need to completely eliminate the foods that I am addicted to. I know that I have a dependency on certain foods, and I have never considered it before.

I am addicted to spicy foods. I must have curry at least 2 times a week, and often 3 times. I would have it every single meal if I could but I cant afford it. I am not addicted to home made curry, but any curry bought in a jar, or from the shop I crave.

I am addicted to sauces - tomato and brown , salad creme and also pickle if I don't have that.

I am addicted to chocolate and also to a certain extent red wine.

I can do without all of these things one at a time, but I have NEVER in all my dieting years had a diet exclusive of my addictive foods.

Every time I think of a food "oooh I really fancy that" I am going to write it on a list. I will then exclude this food from my diet.

So far on my list I have :

Chocolate
Red wine
Cocktail sauce
Tomato Sauce
Salad creme
Rolo Deserts
Curry - all kinds from shops/take away
Chinese - all kinds from shops/ take away

I actually feel proper weak and freaked out just writing this. Funnily enough I feel worst about writing down salad creme, and I am not sure why because I don't use this food too much... interesting. Anyway, this HAS to be done and I must do this for my own sanity. In fact, I am amazed that these foods are my addiction foods... they aren't all that exciting are they!

I also must stress that I am not giving them all up today. I cant do that. The stress is too much and I need my drugs just for a bit longer, and I know that sounds hopelessly tragic, but I just do.

I am also going to have some analytical hypnosis done, that woman I went to back in the summer was crap so I am going to find someone right for me, maybe who is reccomended through the doctor. Once I have found someone I am going to give them my list and then start on with the plan. Maybe I will start sooner, I just don't know. I need to do this in my own time.

If I don't get this sorted, I am going to end up a bulimic binge eating fatty whether I have a band or not. The band has stopped me to some extent as I seriously haven't got any other control right now, so I am thankful for small mercies.

I want to make it clear that I do not want to do this to myself, I try and stop and cant. I am on a spiral into destruction that I cant seem to stop even if I want to, and I wish i could just lock myself up and throw away the key. Looked into the possibility and it would cost me £2K at a retreat for a week... NOT likely to be doing that.

If I ever get right in the head I might look into getting some kind of retreat that is not so expensive up and running. I would like to help people like me, but seeing as I cant even help myself I think we will start with me first.

One thing I have never done is pray about my food problems. I always think "how can it be God's will that I lose weight?" and its not. His will is completely different and running on a much grander plan than that... but then I did think "gluttony is written about in the good book, as is suicide - both of which I am committing if I don't get this under control" so maybe I could pray about it and see what happens. Worked for my smoking. I new I could never personally go back to church if I smoked. It was not caring for my body and hurtful to others, so I proper told God that if he wanted me back, then he would have to stop me smoking like a chimney... and I quit the same day and haven't had a single craving as yet - 6yrs out! Sometimes I rely too much on my own insignificant self.

5 comments:

  1. ARGHSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Okay. Step away from the self reflection for a while. You feel like shit and trying to figure out where the food addiction comes from and why you binged is probably just going to make it worse.

    Take a walk. Get out of your house and out of your head for a while. Forgive yourself. Really. No strings attached. Forvgive!

    And then go to the library or a book store and look up a book called When Women Stop Hating Thier Bodies by Carol Munn and Jane Hirschman (I could have mixed up their last names).

    WWSHTB is basically the bible to recovery from compulsive eating or BED or food addiction or whatever you'd like to call it.

    It's very compatible with the band lifestyle but there will be some things you'll have to adapt. Don't tackle it right away. Just read it and let it sink in.

    I hope this helps. But mostly: FORGIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. Do you have a group called "Overeaters Anonymous" over there - they recognise eating can be an addiction. It can be excellent. I personally needed more - several years of cognitive therapy with a psych actually helped me know why I was eating - this makes it easier to control. I hear you, I empathise but you can get through this...
    Warm regards, Melanie

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  3. Argh, argh, argh!

    I have been thinking about responding for some time because I just feel awful for you and I would like to do something unorthodox, and I hope you don't mind, but....

    When I feel the way you felt and eat that way, what I often want more than anything is a benevolent, loving figure, a mother to scoop me up in her arms, cradle me and tell me it's okay.

    So imagine for a moment that I am giving you a big hug and telling you it will all be okay.

    Also, a book I found really helpful was called When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies by Jane Munter and carol Hirschman- it's all about recovery from food addiction.

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  4. Hi and hugs

    I don't have much time to write but didn't want you to think that no one was responding

    I definitely think you have some sort of food allergy (allergies can make us crave certain foods) looking at your list it looks like vinegar or somthing spicy or red - salad cream is not something most of us crave.

    (if you have time, Google it, there is such a relation between allergies and addiction)

    Is there any chance of you getting to a homeopath (I can recommend one who does postal consultations) or any sort of allergy testing?

    I really do think this is a chemical thing. It's not NOT NOT a character failing or a sin or a weakness.

    I do think you have a chemical imbalance somewhere, that could be corrected and that would make losing weight so much easier.

    I guess you don't have to publish this, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. And maybe you can get something that will help.

    On the banding side, I do think your band is a bit too loose. since you can eat what you said in the previous post; and maybe a fill would help you. But I think there is a different issue as well, that is making things very very hard for you.

    Keep in touch and lots of love and hugs, you battle so hard. I am rooting for you, and hope to see you suceed.

    Love
    Hx

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  5. I'm so glad to have found your blog. Going out to the store for those things totally reminds me of a binge i went on once, including the trash mags, and the cashier (a man) just laughed and said, oh no you didn't. i know you're not about to purchase all this stuff and go home and binge. well, needless to say i was pretty mortified! now i can laugh at it, but at the time, i was spitting mad!

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