Friday, 1 August 2008

Unfill booked

Right, my next trip to Harley street is on the 10th August at 1:00pm.
That's worked out well actually. we will be on the way back from my mums house on the Sunday anyway, so stopping off at Harley street on the way is purrrfect!

Yesterday was bad news. I got home from the meeting and went to bed with 4 trash magazines, a bottle of wine, a bar of cadburys caramel (not a little bar... the big 500g one!), a box of pringles and 3 packets of Worcester sauce flavour crisps and a 5 pack of kit kat chunky's!

I felt like total crap yesterday, emotionally, physically and mentally. I felt like I needed to go away for a while. I felt like I wanted to be on my own and have my own space for a while, do what I want to do and think about no one else. so it was nice having a couple of hours in bed on my own enjoying rubbish.

However, this morning I feel disappointed with myself. Sue really upset me and I was kicking back at her remarks. She is slim, 60, never had a weight problem and apparently all I needed to do was control my portions. Its easy apparently. I just needed to have a small piece of grilled protein and a salad and I would be fine. Now, I am so upset! Why didn't I just try and stop eating so much? OMG like I never thought of that. I have had a lap band. DEAR ME! Does she really think that I haven't tried EVERY DAMN THING IN THE WORLD.

There is not 1 thin person on earth that understands where fat people like me are coming from. I mean, if you got a bunch of us fatties together in a room, the reasons we all eat are so different from one another that even WE don't know why we do it, so how the HECK does she think she knows. I was furious.
I told her that for me, it was the swallowing part I love and infact it didn't matter what the food was I would just like to eat it. Apparently I was wrong, and I didnt enjoy that at all

She said:
" No, its the taste that makes people eat more. You just have to control yourself. Everyone gets to a point when they are full and they cant eat any more or they are sick. Its just greed"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What a moron. I hate thin people who think that we are gluttonous hogs. That is so TOTALLY wrong. I eat because I feel RUBBISH. I eat because I feel good, I eat because I lost weight and because I want to lose more and I eat because I don't lose weight.

Someone needs to find out what the hell is going on in our heads because it is NOT just a case of control.

I gave up fags. If I can do that I think I have pretty damn strong will power.

I cannot control my urge to eat.

So I was real pee'd off last night and felt really vulnerable and like some fat common dumb hick idiot who is just ignorant or something and only has enough brain cells to work a can opener.

She also said "I don't think overweight people realise that if they just have 3 small portioned meals a day that they would lose weight"

And when I said "Of course we do. We have been to EVERY damn slimming group and know all the rules and the do's and don'ts. We can follow it for a time, but we just eventually give up because the desire to eat is stronger than the desire to be slim."

"But its not like you don't care about what you look like, because you do..."

"Yes, I really do care what I look like but I don't care enough to stop eating. Infact I eat more because I look so grim"

"well put a picture of your self on the fridge and that will stop you"

I took her to my fridge and showed her the 2 full sized nude me's. 1 at my fattest and one at 2 stone less. " I have done that. It doesn't disgust me enough to stop me eating."

" Well it should"

WHAT A BITCH. She might as well have looked me in the eye and told me I was a disgrace to humanity and I was greedy and gluttonous and disgusting and ignorant and that I have no control and am basically an animal.

Well, maybe its true. But let me think about that a little more. You live in my house.

That's right, you are a 60+ year old woman living in MY house, in the small box room.

You have no idea the amount of stuff I have been through, or the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't be able to do.

Just as I don't know what stuff you have been through, I don't comment on why a woman of 60+ is living in the box room of a young family, when they have 3 grown up children who were private boarding school educated, are now married and living all over the world with posh jobs etc. You have the poshest voice outside of Knightsbridge. You don't fit in here at all, and your kids don't even care enough about you to give you a duvet and pillow on their sofa.

You are getting back what you gave out.

I know I would choose being a unhappy fatty, dying young of diabetes or something and any day rather than squatting in a room and knowing that my 3 kids do not give a crud about me.

2 comments:

  1. I have so been there Bunny. From my mom (who is fat even but thinner than I am), From my friend who lost weight but has transferred her obsession with food to an obsession with exercise. everyone believes (including me sometimes) that we are somehow lacking in self-control if we cant control our eating. Well i'm sorry for some of us it is much more than willpower. Food for me is my drug. The lapband isn't going to take that away but it is a great opportunity to break the drug-use habit I have developed as part of my routine and hopefully drastically reduce the quantity of 'drug' i ingest when i do have a lapse.

    but-dont let her piss you off and end up causing you to mess up all the hard work you have done. If she is going to be a bitch and send you into a tailspin kick her out and find someone else to rent the box room-perhaps someone a heck of a lot more understanding who likes to clean or something!

    I hope the slight unfill helps you feel better. I totally understand that if you cant keep anything real down you are going to start searching for the good stuff that is easy to keep down! I'll think happy thoughts for you that it works.

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  2. Man I am so proud of you for getting that out there in blog land! GO YOU!! I totally think you are saying what all us fatties think at one point or another when we encounter thin people who think they have the right and knowledge to tell us what to eat, when to eat and how to eat... thinking that we just didn't think of that way or that the only way to lose weight was to eat less. Well, fuck me, but if an alcoholic was told that he was allowed to have just one shot of whisky 3 times a day... but no more.. he wouldn't do too well eh?

    As for the unfill... I'm in the same boat as you. I'm totally over food, but obsessed with it at the same time... but I'm sticking mine out for 2 reasons.
    1. I don't have the cash right now to pay for an unfill
    2. The fill is bound to get easier in a few months... so I'll just wait until then and let it evapourate on its own..

    I manage, but I don't enjoy eating right now... I'm sure I will at some stage.. but right now, I hate it!!

    Take care matey!

    LBG xx

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