Saturday, 8 September 2012

Radio 4th

Went on the radio for the 4th time yesterday. I was only on for about 20 minutes, and I had so much to say, so much joy to spread, so many useful things to help people who are struggling... but I couldn't say it as I had to go through all the back story again. Which was also wrong. Which you cant contradict. Which sucks.

I guess its what they want but its a bit rubbish to not get it right. His scales are whack too.

I am 102.3kgs - 16stone 1.5lbs or 225.5lbs

He weighed me at 16stone 6... so you can see there's a couple of kgs/lbs out right there!! That happened last time too. To be honest that doesn't matter as long as its consistent but then he said that the last time I came on I weighed in at 17stone 2 when he ACTUALLY weighed me at 17 stone 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrr

So on air the last time I saw him, he said I had lost 8 pounds - which at that time accounted for 2 pounds a week since I started my programme with my Guru that they provided.

So this time It would have been WOWOWOWOWOW. But because he got it wrong by saying it was 17stone 2 it looked a bit..... Meh.

Infuriating.

They also went through all the back story saying stuff like "so you used to cheat the band shoving ice cream down and chocolate etc etc...!" NO I F'ING DID NOT!!! I don't even like ice cream!!!!!!

But you cant contradict it.

Sod it.

Whatever.

I am losing weight and I actually don't give a rats ass what he thinks. I did get in further along that actually eating with a band is hard if you were served up steak and chips so generally mushier things are easier like curry and chilli and soups etc and that's where I went wrong in high calorie saucy things. So I did right it, but not at the time when I needed to. I also got in that my band broke - not that I just cheated - and that it wasn't just me getting a band then fucking it up because liek he said - that would be ridiculous. FFS! Who would spend £6K and then go eating liquid lard. twat.

My journey has been FRAUGHT with disasters and now finally I have got it together.  THAT is the freaking back story!!!!!

I have lost 13 and a half KILOS since May. That's 30lbs!!! More than 2 stone!!!

I am so chuffed at myself and my dedication thus far.

I have learned during this few months that if I fail - then I fail small. If I had a cake bar too many or a desert at a restaurant before... then I knew I had screwed up. But that was always the tip of the iceberg and then would follow a meltdown. I hadn't just messed up - I had messed up permanently. So now I have had to force myself to just fail in that moment. Fight the urge to dive down the slope of misery and "I'll start again on Monday". I now just get right back to the grind. I also compensate with extra gym.

The Monday Conundrum is no longer a problem. Nothing starts Monday. It starts right now.

I also don't condemn myself for my previous existence. I don't want to really think about being the fatter old me because I am creating a new person - the real person that is inside me. The one that people talk to, love, confide in but that is covered in Fat and marginalised because of that.

I don't place undue pressure or stress on myself either. I don't write out goals that are unattainable or push myself into routines or habits that I wont be able to sustain for the rest of my life. Those things are not the elixir to losing weight but the total poison.

I have also realised that my motivation is driven by happiness. I don't do fear. It would seem that motivation is driven by either happiness or fear and although they both work - happiness is my master. I have treated myself every day. I have had my hair done (yeah we know what a nightmare that was - but it was nice to have it played with all the same!) I have done my toenails in nice polish and I have indulged in books I want to read and TV slobbing for contentment. I finish the day tired and ready for bed knowing I have accomplished a lot.

I also have realised I have to stop making myself feel bad about being naughty. No ones perfect so a little treat here and there - as long as it is just that - is not the end of the world... and to be brutally honest is DEFINITELY not as bad for me now as when I was 20kgs/40lbs heavier! The health risks with a pig out now, are way less!!

So last night I had a curry and a bottle of wine and enjoyed every mouthful. It doesn't negate my previous success and it doesn't negate any future ones either. It was yummy, and to be honest I didn't even consider it failing. It was a food choice which I counted the calorie cost of and it was YUM! However, it didn't enjoy me evidently as I had a really dodgy tum this morning, but hey!

I am now off to the gym to burn about 600 cals - this is an extra session to compensate for the additional calories yesterday. It works!

I consume about 1450 calories a day now... gradually getting less and less. As the weight comes down, I get less to eat HAHA that's the only bummer - but it gets the job done.


Post Script -

For people who have followed me for years - I apologise for the self righteousness of 'me' at the moment. I have never been in a position when I have been winning this game so I thought I would - just this one time - enjoy the opportunity!! HAHAHAHA

2 comments:

  1. Bunny - you deserve a "me" moment. You are doing so well - 30pounds since May!You inspire me because you've been through so much with your band but still she us you can be successful.

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  2. Hey honey! I am so glad you're still blogging! I'm back too and need motivation from my fellow lapband peeps! *hugs* You're doing SO GREAT! xoxooxx

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