It's the nearest I can get to writing in blood!
I have got to be honest, I think I am the only person in the world that the lap band hasn't helped. I know that statement isn't true don't worry... but it is exactly how I feel. I can't read peoples blogs about how well they have done as it just highlights how I haven't.
I know that this probably alienates me because I am sure no one wants to read this crap about me whining on about being so hard done by.
Then I think, well hey! If I can't read others blogs because they show me up/tick me off with their amazing weightloss, then why the heck should they read mine and help me when I can't have the grace to help them??
Geez what a stupid swine I am.
I guess I just have to blog like no ones reading, and get on with it.
BUT I do need help.
I am a seasoned bandit, one who knows all the tricks, one who will cut corners, one who cannot stick to jack. I don't need advice about drinking before, not during. I don't need advice on not eating too many slider foods. Heck I don't need advice period!
I need support. I need a cheering squad and encouragement to keep going.
My bandiversary is on 14th February. FIVE YEARS.
I am 1.2kgs lighter than when I was banded. That just makes me want to die.
I have good restriction bordering on the tightrope of too tight (esp. if I gain weight around my period etc.)
I just need to get with some kind of programme.
I have started endless diets (pre banding and banded), endless lists, endless fads and charts etc... I can't stick to it.
How do people stick to something. How do they get so driven, so motivated? I just can't seem to do that.
I also don't understand why when I was first banded (before it broke) I was eating all kinds of stuff and losing weight hand over fist. I had dropped 2 stone in a couple of months and it felt magic. I have only had that feeling one other time with the band and I am struggling to remember what it was like.
I am gutted my band broke and ever since that time I have felt cheated, messed up, waiting for it to fail. It's like I need band therapy or something.
I just want to be in a place where this is normal life, feel healthier and be slimmer. BUT... I can't seem to stick to a regime, even though this is exactly what I want. How do I make myself - or how did YOU make yourself - stick to the plan 100% until I achieve something like that?
I feel weak. I give in to temptation and days slip into weeks and nothing has happened. I have very very gradually gained 2kgs from my low of 111kgs (since I started in earnest again in Oct 2010 at 122kgs)
Yeah ok I have been on an all inclusive holiday and stuff in between my last weigh in and today, so 2kgs is pretty much nothing, but I want to get lower. I need a boost and I need one now.
Does anyone have a quick burst of something that helps them lose a few pound to kick start their motivation? I am thinking home made soups, lots of veggies and green tea kind of like a detox or something... what do you think? Maybe a week of that will give me some movement on the scales and coupling that with getting back to the gym will get me moving.
I looooove soup and I love cooking. I feel stodgy, podgy and chogged up all over and I don't want to feel this way.
I should use my KiFit from today again and get moving.
Ok, what I might do is try and blog a short post about my day - diary style and see if that helps.
What I also might do is get my teenage diary out that I wrote when I was 15 -19 (every day!!!) and start my blog of the day entry with a snippet of the teenage THIN Bunny to get me going.
I am 35 now, so that was exactly 20 years ago. Mmmm interesting. That might be quite a cool idea. Use my blog as a different way of communicating, rather than just ranting, as I don't like the tone this blog has got really. Its too emotive and desperate and needy and boring and whinge-y.
Even I am fed up with hearing about myself!!
Ok... the 15 year old me's diary entries...
This is going to be difficult because looking through it, I didn't religiously write it for the first year. I was a little bit sketchy... for instance 23rd January 1992 (20 yrs ago today) I didn't write anything. Hmmm.
Ok, I counted up and there are only 139 entries from 1st January 1991 - April 11th 1992.
so, I am going to write a new post with several entries one after the other to give you a little taster. some of them are well funny. I will have to elaborate on some as obviously the background is key!
It wont be until April 11th that I will be able to post date by date entries... so to whet your appetite, here is the first Diary Entry:
January 4 1992 (aged 14)
I wrote a book called 'And Death Did Us Part'. It is good. It is about a boy who shoots his brother with an arrow and is sent away when he dies. Then his family come into trouble, so to find out what happens.....
This is exactly what I wrote. even the five dots at the end!! HAHA
So watch out for 'Dear Diary' at the beginning of each new blog post!