Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Blessed restriction

Ok, I am seriously restricted now.

I need to be really careful.

It seems to take me a little while to feel the restriction, in this case just over a week.

Today's food...

50g Belgian Chocolate Granola - it's low GI and low everything so it sounds nicer than it actually is!! 234 cals

Raw food bar 100 cals

Dinner: Pea soup - 150 cals, but negligible because I threw up every mouthful... I cant seem to take the whole pea husk thing.
Lamb hotpot. still eating (at midnight) but if I do manage it all then another 200 cals.

Pretty damn fine huh!

I realise that I had this band for restriction... so why the hell am I trying to force food down my gullet. its like I am trying to eat the same amount of food, but with a band and wondering why its not working. I am trying a new method of eating and its going really well.

Ok, I had some issues this evening with the pea soup... but I know that was from the pea husk thing.. Its was really husky (LOL). I could feel it in my mouth that it was like dry on the edges after a swallow... So I am gonna avoid it. But this Lamb hotpot is really tasty and I have pureed it too, just in case. I am eating it with a tea spoon and making sure I chew it and resting between each mouthful (mainly because I am typing too!), and its working really well.

I have been drinking copious amounts of green tea in a quest for STRONG flavoured drinks with no calories in. I don't like the stuff, but it has a great bitter twang-smack at the end of a glug, so I am persevering with the muck.

So far, I have managed 6 half teaspoons of pureed lamb hotpot and all's good.

I have decided that I am not going to force this band to eat anything, or do what I did on Saturday that was just plain STUPID. I was in Aki-Teri and I ordered a prawn curry. It was lush, but I couldn't eat it. I got a couple of spoons of sauce down me and a couple of grains of rice and had to stop. I didn't even get to eat a prawn when I had to throw. So after trying and trying and trying to eat the thing, I said "Forget this, I will eat this gorgeous king prawn and then go puke!" I chewed it and loved it and tasted the sweet meaty thing and then hurled it. I just got so sick of not being able to enjoy something. I am not going to go to restaurants any more because they just make me sad. Eating dinner at the dining table with everyone is bad enough, but I can manage it compared to lush restaurant food. I just want to eat too much.

I am going to try and get this band and me on the road.

It is at this juncture that I have to admit I have an eating disorder. I finally chatted it through with someone and without going into too much detail, I sabotage my weight loss because I don't feel worthy of being thin/don't want to be thin for reasons yet unknown, eat because I am happy, binge because I fear the scales saying I have put on, so therefore fulfill the prophecy. I am in a cycle of binge eating/drinking and unhappy that I cant do more.

I discussed this after I started to seriously look into getting my band removed and 'upgrade' to RNY bypass. However, I can see now that its a psychological problem I have not a problem that surgery will fix, because the problem will not go away even if I have another surgery, and I will not see the results I want from that either because of going in to the whole thing with a wrong psychological attitude.

So, I have to love myself, and part of that is getting rid of things that I don't like.

I hate work. Everyone knows it and I just plain loathe it. I looked at my diary and my Sis said to me today that I can obviously survive with half of my students. I balked a bit, but realised she was right. At the end of the month I only ever earn half of what I could have done because of cancelling pupils or whatever because I cant face it or something. So in that case, what is the point in keeping 'teaching' these ones if I hate it. So I am changing my strategies. I am working on Saturday only. If they cant fit in with that then they can do the other thing. This way I think I will actually like my job, because its over with in one day, in normal working hours. I don't have to rush around at 9pm every evening making dinner etc and eating late. I don't feel rubbish about the fact I cancelled lessons and comfort eat and therefore I think its linked to it all as well.

So that's what I am doing. I have worked out that I could in fact give up work completely if I wanted to - which was a big shock to be fair - but realised that is not what I actually want to do. So I am going to continue, but under my own steam. I don't owe them anything, and if they really like their lessons with me, then they will fit it in around me wont they. I have to put my sanity, sons education, home life and health before them. I feel better already about it! Its nice to have that extra bit of cash, and its nice to know I don't really need to, which I never knew before I actually sat down and worked out exactly what comes in and goes out etc. and analyzed all the things like petrol/groceries etc.

Another thing is I am always so tired that I neglect a serious side of me that needs to flourish. I need that 'me time' - I really do. So this will give me some space to enjoy that as well.

So, tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and see whats going on. We shall see.

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