Day 17

Hello again.... Work went great. DS's fish arrived. The Siamese fighting fish looks a little out of fight to be honest, but we shall monitor the situation.

Today have had Heinz peachy porridge, and a jar of REALLY MANKY turkey and spinach. OMG it was foul!!!! I mean seriously bad. EEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH.

I still ate it though. Half a ton of salt and pepper didn't do much to disguise it, but seeing as I was shattered after work, and starving hungry, I couldn't be bothered to make anything else, so I had anyway. Now that is a VERY strange thing.

The pre-band me would have ditched anything that was munging and chosen something like a nutrigrain bar, pot noodle or other quick snack. But I have found that even though its really really disgustingly UN-tasty I still eat these things.... AND I don't seem to want anything else either. Very strange. I really think that my mind is eating to live, rather than living to eat. This may change, but I hope not.

I was not conscious of this massive shift in thinking until today. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, as long as its easy to eat and fills me up (i.e. anything then!). This is a major shock to me, as I thought, REALLY thought, that I loved food. But I think I loved the way food feels as it goes down my throat rather than the actual taste.

I never savoured my food. 2 chews - gone! So I cant have loved the taste could I. So I think it was the feeling the food gave me... the dopamine high of having a full stomach. So now, because I am full (and I mean 3 course meal kind of full to you unbanded people out there) after drinking a cup of coffee, my brain seems to be getting what it needs.... its drug if you like... which is the FULL feeling. I think I am addicted to feeling full.... That's maybe why I always associate guilt with feeling full NOW. I still feel in my head that I am going to put on weight... I don't have the confidence as for SOOOoooo many years the full feeling means I am loading on lbs.. But I CANT possibly put on weight with this band at the moment, as I am eating practically nothing at all!.

I have figured my problem out. Yep. Its making sense. The band gives me what I need, so now it doesn't matter what I eat... gross out food or nice food. Its just food. I feel full, and THAT is why I have never been able to lose weight before, because I constantly have to feel warm and snugly inside and FULL.

BINGO. This is a serious revelation to me. It is totally the opposite of why I thought I couldn't lose it... hormones, will power... etc etc. Even though I was doing slimmingworld, I could eat as much as I want, and when ever I want. that was the 'beauty' of the diet they said. Well for me that was a nail in my fat coffin obviously. I am one of those people who eats too much, so an all you can eat diet was NEVER going to work in the long run for me.

I always thought my portions were normal, but now looking back, I can see they were way off.

Portion Control.

Pre Band I could not control the size of my portions because I needed to feel not just comfortable, but FULL. Go to sleep full. It made me feel good. I had to feel like that at least once a day. So without this band, I know that I would not have been ever able to control that desire. I know that for sure. I am glad I have worked this through in my mind as it has really been bugging me why I can sit and eat a jar of FOUL baby food and not throw it in the bin, or even want something else that's nice... like a treat. It does not bother me in the slightest any more.

Without this band I wouldnt have even worked out what the problem was.

Yep, I have found out what my problem was exactly. I am addicted to feeling full. Well now I have no problem getting my high!!!!

Sorted.

No doubt everyone is different, but I know this is honestly where my diet flaw was.

HOORAY FOR BANDLAND!