I have officially finished work for the summer YAY!
With that, I gave myself a couple of challenges.
The first challenge:
Keep on my eating plan after having ALL THE FLUID REMOVED from my band!
Yes, I finally decided that the band was being more of a hindrance than a help these days and as my eating is under my own control and has been stable for a year, that it was time to bite the bullet and have a complete de-fill.
I was also a little worried about erosion. It can't be a good thing to have something squeezing your tummy permanently. I haven't really considered this before, or even in the few years that I was trying to get the band working. I have been thinking about it a lot recently though.
My eating had been being hindered by my band to such an extent that I was being sick a lot, or having to drink very hot green tea before a meal to loosen things up etc. Now, I hear you saying " that's not what you should do!" but that IS what I should do. That is what I needed to do to eat a full meal and you just don't need to do that kind of thing if you get rid of the fluid and find enough will power. I haven't been using the band to help me lose weight for over a year... in my opinion the only thing it's done (and that only marginally) is stop me feeling hungry. Once that window of opportunity is gone, the only thing we can do is move more and eat less.
I was finding that the band was stopping my enjoyment of my meal and making me a social outcast as I went everywhere with my tea pot and it was impossible to plan meals out etc. It didn't stop me eating the meal - it just slowed it down until it was stone cold and everyone else was thoroughly pissed off with me.
So I had 5mls out on Sunday 14th July.
I don't know if any of you get this feeling, but when I have a fill or a de-fill, I get a hot flush and funny woozy dizzy feeling. It is so strange and this one was a biggy. It just shows how sensitive our body is and how we need to be careful about these things. I was worried that the constant aggravation of the nerves at my band site would or will cause me some issues with my health in the future, so having it loose will hopefully lessen the impact it has. I don't know quite what I am worried about - cancer mainly, or erosion or something really unpleasant. I just hope it's enough.
When I had the fluid out, I felt amazing. I was by no means tightly filled, but I would definitely have to 'plan' meals. I couldn't just drink a big glass of water straight from the tap if I was thirsty. I couldn't just have a coffee whilst out shopping. Everything was pre-thought. Everything had the "ok... here we go... how does the first mouthful of this feel.... blimey I hope this is going to go down as I don't have a cup to throw up in handy" it was always that kind of mental process going on. Being able to drink a cup of coffee and have no ill effects by no means meant that a second would go down either. Being able to eat half a dinner by no means meant that the rest would follow suit. I was just fed up completely with it's fickleness.
It just annoyed me too much. When it got to the point that I couldn't go to the gym one day because for the previous 2 hours I had been standing in my kitchen trying to drink something (start with a hot water, then a green tea then get cooler and cooler until BINGO! We are off!) that's when I decided quite frankly I had had enough. I had been faffing around trying to drink something to get things moving that I had used up all the spare time I had anyway. How can you go to the gym and not refresh yourself? Impossible. I found I was stressed and dreading eating/drinking at all times.
That people, is no way to live.
Now, this is my experience, and I fully know that I seem to have had a completely different band experience than anyone else on the planet, but there you go. That just shows you that it is not always the miraculous answer to a prayer. It has been the bain of my life to be honest.
Anyway, the fluid was out, I immediately downed a pint of water at record speed - or basically like a normal human.
It was lovely. I ate normally and I drank more cool drinks that I had for a couple of years and even had ice in a G & T! Delish!
Having my fluid out didn't mean I ate more, I have been able to keep to my plan and feel that my eating habits are more in line with a regular person these days and that I have successfully conquered this overeating nightmare for the time being. I am by no means being smug here either... I mean, who knows what will happen in the future, but for now - we are cooking on gas!
I still don't feel hunger, but I do feel a weakness that wasn't there when I had my fluid in. This I have found disappears if I have a pint of squash or water. I was always under the impression that you feel weak because you are starving or have low in blood sugar or something and need food. Well I am eating exactly the same way, and only spotted this feeling since the un-fill. This suggests to me that this purely psychosomatic, especially as it disappears so easily.
A struggle that I am having is not to gulp food. It is so lovely to be able to take a big bite of sandwich and know that its not going to be gurgling down the sink 30 seconds later, that chomping food down fast is something I have to watch.
To curb this I am trying to eat with a pastry fork and or teaspoon. This has helped. I have kept my small plate and I am still using Livestrong to keep track of my nutrients and my calories.
Keeping to my eating plan will remain my permanent challenge, but knowing that I can eat more and exercise more is a great tool. It's something I find I quite enjoy... the play off.
The second challenge:
Exercise enough to burn of 1000 calories per day
This is a personal fitness challenge. I can easily manage 1000 calories, but it's usually the time that I have available that dictates the amount of exercise I do. I usually manage 4 days a week and usually I burn between 500 and 800 calories a time. If I have more time, and a great book, I do 1000.
Now it's the summer hols, I have decided that I am 100% committed to getting rid of the last 2 stone and I am going to try and manage 1000 calories each day. I am sure there will be days that I can't do this, but so far so good.
To give you an idea, 1000 calories takes me 1 hour 20 minutes on the treadmill at level 18 doing random hills at 5.3kph (or a brisk walk).
I have a good book on my iPad and prop it on the screen of the treadmill and plug my ears with foam to deaden the ghastly boom boom thump of the power music on the sound system that all gyms seem to think we all want to listen to, when in reality everyone has their own ears plugged with their own music on their iPod.
I can be completely engrossed and I get a kick out of knowing that 2 meals are being walked away under my feet. It also means that I can enjoy about 2300 calories a day and STILL lose 2 pounds a week! How awesome is that. I just don't feel like I am on a diet. In fact, I guess I am not. I can pretty much eat anything I darn well please and get a smile back from the scales each morning.
For instance yesterday I had a big bowl of granola for brekkie, tuna mayo sarnie for lunch and as I couldn't be bothered to cook a meal, we just settled for Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato (with butter!)sarnies for tea, a big back of Thai chilli crisps and 3 Gin and Tonics and I was STILL under my cals for the day! Like... who wouldn't love that??
So there we go. My 2 challenges.
Happy summer everyone!
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Saturday, 25 May 2013
Absent friends
As is usual when I don't post for a long time, I have normally fallen off of the waggon, gone back to bad habits, drunk too much wine and had too much life than is necessarily for my 'inner big girl' fighting to get back out.
However I didn't fall off the waggon into a pit of donuts... but I did actually fall. Before Easter.
I tripped up, then tripped over my feet which were stumbling to gain purchase on the pot holed main road that runs through our village and fell smack hard down on the pavement.
It resulted in an immense amount of pain, loss of skin and savage weeping that could not be covered.
There was absolutely no skin on the the whole of the underneath of my knee, it was constantly weeping too. I covered it with plasters, but they fell off because they soaked through, so I went to the doctors where they gave me these mad dressings that were made of a rubbery material...
But as you can see by the towel underneath my leg and the vague right hand ooze shot - this bandage could not contain the beast either. The bandage - called a hydrocoloid dressing - is supposed to be permeable and the oozy stuff is supposed to bubble up like a blister beneath it and gradually get absorbed by the dressing and evaporate... Well mine was so epic that it just burst and soaked me in my sleep. We left it till morning with a towel under my leg... but basically it was back to the top photo where I attached some cotton wool underneath as a drip tray.
After leaving it open to the air, a crust formed across the lavarous wound... this would crack and kill me all over again on a minute by minute basis with each step or movement.
The above is after 3 weeks. Yes 3 WEEKS! I don't take to healing very well having lupus and all kinds of other crap, so its always a waiting game. The above shows the crust on top trying to form me a new knee cap... I was quite worried about in growing hairs or something like that. I know that's funny, but I really was! haha!
But after 5 long weeks, the savagery had subsided and new skin was formed over the hole...
5 weeks of hobbling and cursing brought me to this... still extremely painful to bend my knee and walk about, but much better. The purple part is scar and the scabby bit is the deepest part of the wound.
I hadn't needed to worry about ingrowing hair as the hairs here fell out of the follicles and even today 8 weeks on, there is no hair growth in the scar at all. At least I gave myself a bit of free hair removal - although I wont be recommending it as an alternative. I think electrolysis would be far less painful!
Now, I am left with a purple version of the above and a numb, hairless knee. The achey pain has gone too and I dont 'feel' my knee all the time as some alien waiting to escape so it must be healed. 8 weeks was a long time for such a silly little stumble.
Why have i told you about the above... well 8 weeks injury meant 8 weeks out of action at the gym... What do you think might have been the result of sitting on my butt, feeling yukky, sorry for myself, in pain, not doing any exercise a year ago?
Weight gain. And a lot of it!
What did it result in this time?
Weight MAINTENANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes! What a result!
I kept within my limits, but I did indulge my sadness and poorlyness. I just played poker with food. I played them all off against each other and managed to get through what could have been a diet disaster ditch, and instead climbed up higher that my wildest dreams.
I have realised that this last year 1st May 2012 to 1st May 2013 I have accomplished what I never ever ever thought was possible:
Control
And I have aced that class!!
In the last year I have lost 25 KILOS
I am exceptionally proud of myself, because I did it ALL BY MYSELF!
So for the last 10 days, I have been going back to the gym. I started with 3 minutes gentle walking, then upped it to a bit faster and longer. Then gradually I have built back up to hills and fast walking at lvl 13 yesterday for 70 minutes and I am fine.
Today I am off to have a go at lvl 13 random hill for 90 minutes :) 1000 calorie burn is back baby!!
However I didn't fall off the waggon into a pit of donuts... but I did actually fall. Before Easter.
I tripped up, then tripped over my feet which were stumbling to gain purchase on the pot holed main road that runs through our village and fell smack hard down on the pavement.
It resulted in an immense amount of pain, loss of skin and savage weeping that could not be covered.
There was absolutely no skin on the the whole of the underneath of my knee, it was constantly weeping too. I covered it with plasters, but they fell off because they soaked through, so I went to the doctors where they gave me these mad dressings that were made of a rubbery material...
But as you can see by the towel underneath my leg and the vague right hand ooze shot - this bandage could not contain the beast either. The bandage - called a hydrocoloid dressing - is supposed to be permeable and the oozy stuff is supposed to bubble up like a blister beneath it and gradually get absorbed by the dressing and evaporate... Well mine was so epic that it just burst and soaked me in my sleep. We left it till morning with a towel under my leg... but basically it was back to the top photo where I attached some cotton wool underneath as a drip tray.
After leaving it open to the air, a crust formed across the lavarous wound... this would crack and kill me all over again on a minute by minute basis with each step or movement.
The above is after 3 weeks. Yes 3 WEEKS! I don't take to healing very well having lupus and all kinds of other crap, so its always a waiting game. The above shows the crust on top trying to form me a new knee cap... I was quite worried about in growing hairs or something like that. I know that's funny, but I really was! haha!
But after 5 long weeks, the savagery had subsided and new skin was formed over the hole...
5 weeks of hobbling and cursing brought me to this... still extremely painful to bend my knee and walk about, but much better. The purple part is scar and the scabby bit is the deepest part of the wound.
I hadn't needed to worry about ingrowing hair as the hairs here fell out of the follicles and even today 8 weeks on, there is no hair growth in the scar at all. At least I gave myself a bit of free hair removal - although I wont be recommending it as an alternative. I think electrolysis would be far less painful!
Now, I am left with a purple version of the above and a numb, hairless knee. The achey pain has gone too and I dont 'feel' my knee all the time as some alien waiting to escape so it must be healed. 8 weeks was a long time for such a silly little stumble.
Why have i told you about the above... well 8 weeks injury meant 8 weeks out of action at the gym... What do you think might have been the result of sitting on my butt, feeling yukky, sorry for myself, in pain, not doing any exercise a year ago?
Weight gain. And a lot of it!
What did it result in this time?
Weight MAINTENANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes! What a result!
I kept within my limits, but I did indulge my sadness and poorlyness. I just played poker with food. I played them all off against each other and managed to get through what could have been a diet disaster ditch, and instead climbed up higher that my wildest dreams.
I have realised that this last year 1st May 2012 to 1st May 2013 I have accomplished what I never ever ever thought was possible:
Control
And I have aced that class!!
In the last year I have lost 25 KILOS
25 KILOS - 55LBS - 4 STONE
LOST
I am exceptionally proud of myself, because I did it ALL BY MYSELF!
So for the last 10 days, I have been going back to the gym. I started with 3 minutes gentle walking, then upped it to a bit faster and longer. Then gradually I have built back up to hills and fast walking at lvl 13 yesterday for 70 minutes and I am fine.
Today I am off to have a go at lvl 13 random hill for 90 minutes :) 1000 calorie burn is back baby!!
Friday, 1 February 2013
Past bite
I have been pushed into a hurricane of emotional carnage today because people are so thoughtless.
A friend of a friend added me on facebook today.
Let me set the background. My privacy settings are on lockdown as I don't like people looking me up like for example: 'Jane Smith used to go to playschool with you in 1979 and wants to add you as a freind' or 'Bob Builder liked the look of your legs when you were 14 so thought he would add you'.
In my opinion most of those adds are just nosiness or fakery to see how bad (hopefully) you are doing in life and how fat you got. I prefer to add people I know, see, trust and love. I share things with them that are the real me and I am happy to do so, even though I know a lot of people would not even do that.
It has irked me somewhat that you cannot stop friends of friends adding you, even if your name is unsearchable, but I have always been pretty sure that none of my friends friends are a particular issue - lets face, I know them not their friends! I just thought it would be quite nice if you could customise your settings to only have direct contact with people of your choosing... but that's not social networking is it... there has to be a catch somewhere.
So I happily share my life and times with my friends - not many - and a couple of colleagues and life goes by.
Until today. The world is a small place after all.
A friend of a friend clicked the little plus button and put my world into a horrible horrible place.
There was his face (aged badly I was quick to note!) and the faces of 3 children.
No message, no intro, no sorry I was a bastard, no nothing.
It's made me feel so shit it's unreal. I haven't got out of bed until now (2pm) and I should have gone and got my son, who's working with DH in the shop today, but I haven't been able to.
I am hovering under the surface of a vast pile of misery that I can't even spill out onto my dearest love in the world because no one, not one person, can understand how I feel. Except perhaps him - he wouldn't understand, but he would certainly know why I feel so bad.
Here's the dirt, not all, but an overview as its too gruesome to get everything out:
I was 16 when I met 'him'. He was an ugly spotty 16 year old. But he was different. I could have had any boy in our group but he had this suave way of carrying himself. A smooth talker, a liar and a massager of massive truths building a little castle for himself. He was an accomplished thief even by this time, and devastatingly persuasive. Dressed like a preppy rich kid, he interested me. In a little over 18 months he managed to break me in a way no one ever will again.
I watch these dramas on TV about housebeaten wives; simpering and tragically humble and weepy. That's not what it's like. I was powerful too, but not in the right way. I could answer back for myself, and did! I fought back, had the opportunity to walk away countless times and had the full support of my family - they begged me to dump him! But I couldn't. It's like a role. It's not you. It's an avalanche that has to reach the bottom. It's not what you want but you have no idea on earth how to stop it until someone comes along with the key to your personal dungeon.
Because no one knows where the lock is, not even you, let alone the key! You are powerless until that lock is found by that key, or you die.
I had been beaten, my leg smashed with a crowbar, stabbed with scissors, my emotions played like a harp, been on the receiving end of endless mind games, left in dangerous situations, humiliated in front of my friends, degraded in ways I won't share and so worn down that I was a valueless, snapped little girl.
He had cleared and weeded out my real friends and replaced them with his own - 'our friends' - so I was alone with a whole host of people around me; none knew me, or I them. they were party people who we hung around all the time, but were not really personal friends. After time, I knew absolutely that there was no one who would want me. There was no one who would ever think I was intelligent, or pretty, or useful, or fun ever again. I'd got above myself and he made sure that he told me how wrong I was. I was dumb, stupid, ugly, wore the wrong clothes, had the wrong type of blonde hair, was getting fat, didn't have enough money for him and couldn't get any more credit cards for him to use for me to pay off and I had stopped funding his drug habit and wouldn't be a stooge when he was nicking stuff.
But the worst crime he ever inflicted on me was getting me pregnant and laughing at me because my life was over.
That is a scar that has never, and never will be healed. I terminated the baby. I killed it. I can't think of it any other way even now, when I know from losing my subsequent 6 craved for babies to early miscarriage and still birth through Lupus that the little mite probably was doomed to begin with.
He told me to get rid of it, if I didn't I could forget him being around. He told me to go home and tell my parents and he would tell his. I thought that this was a good idea as then we were both facing it together, but he never told his parents. He left me to do it on my own. My Mum told his parents in the end as she said that he should pay for half the operation. She wanted it done quickly and privately off my medical records.
He didn't really need to be so horrible and aggressive about me terminating our baby because somewhere deep in me I knew that if I had that baby, even gave it away, that he and I would be tied to each other forever, and I couldn't let that happen to an innocent life. Mine was already a nightmare and I wasn't about to give him any one else to hurt.
All through the relationship - which is what it was, even God and Satan have a relationship - he would say the right things, smooth me over and make me fit for public, be kind in ways that were so numbing - flowers, jackets, dresses, shoes, rings, earrings, toys, champagne, love letters EVERY DAY, mix tapes, romantic dinners and get aways. He managed all this and was only 19 when we broke up!
It's practically impossible to believe it even happened to me!
One day, he made a mistake though. He'd done a good job on me and I was pretty resigned to the fact that I had made my bed - and it was flea infested - but was prepared to lie down in it, when we had a huge row.
It was the summer when Oasis and Blur were battling for #1.
Showing us for the stupid kids that we were, I wanted Country House by Blur to win as I thought it was just the best song ever created. He wanted Oasis. I can't remember the title of that song, but he wanted it to get the #1 spot. We were half drunk on tequilla sitting in a field in next to our tent on the sussex coast, smoking and sunning ourselves. The atmosphere was relaxed, the radio was blaring. My brother and his mate were down the beach and we had the place to ourselves. On moments like that - of which there were many - I felt lovely and happy and at peace. A friend of mine was supposed to be coming over that afternoon to chill with us and it was all good.
Blur won the #1 spot.
He went MAD at me. It was of course my fault - disgracing him by dancing around half naked (bikini) in a field and he belted me across the ear. My ear sang like a gun had gone off, I am guessing he nearly broke my ear drum, and the blistering pain bubbled up so much I couldn't speak.
He was on top of me, spitting in my face that I was a f'ing slag acting like that and that his ex girlfriend would never go on like that. She was so much better than me. Why was he still here. He was going off to get a proper shag. I could sit here and baby sit the kids (my bro and his mate) and think about how I hurt him every day and how if I wanted to be with him I needed to grow up.
He kicked me in the back and left. He had borrowed his mates car to get to the camp site, did not have a driving licence or insurance (obviously) and was intoxicated.
I was left in agony in a field without transport, money (in the car!), and therefore access to food or a payphone.
I opened up and cried myself to sleep in the tent waiting for my brother to come back. I had forgotten that my friend from work was supposed to be coming over.
At about 4ish I heard a car and was instantly getting myself together ready to apologise and win him over and when I came out it was my friend from work. He had brought some home made pizza and some chicken to BBQ, beer, wine and fags!
He saw my dishevelled state and was an instant balm. I told him most of what happened, leaving out the punches, slaps and spitting and that he might be back soon, but I didn't think so.
I didn't believe he was going back to his ex girlfriend's - they had broken up 2 years before and it was a schoolkid thing. It was just something he said to make me jealous, which in fact it never did because I didn't think this girl existed anyway - none of his Friend's remembered him having a girl before me... so....
I actually thought, and was correct, that he went to his mates who he'd borrowed the car from, got high and then passed out for a couple of days.
So. Me, my friend from work and 2 hungry teenage boys spent the night in the tent. My bro and his mate went to bed and my friend and I chatted for ages and ages. The following morning we went to the beach, my friend phoned in sick so I wasn't alone and we had a blast. We went driving and doing handbrake donuts on top of a hill, we picked up a hitchhiker at 3am who was an archaeologist excavating a prehistoric human find and had a fascinating woodland picnic with him in the moonlight showing us around the site.
That night my friend told me that he was deeply worried for my safety and asked why I would stay with someone like that.
I said it was because no one else would want me. He said, he did.
He found the lock. He had the key. It unlocked my hope.
The following morning we went to the phone box, he rang his girlfriend and told her it was over. It had been on and off for a while while they were at Uni, and he hadn't seen her for about a month but he said it was only fair to tell her immediately. He didn't want me thinking he had kept something from me.
Then I dialled 'His' number and I left a message with his Mum, because he refused to talk to me, that he and I were through. She was very very upset.
The next few days were an absolute whirlwind. I was showered by the creep with flowers and mix tapes of unending love, then spiteful late night phone calls calling me every name under the sun, then begging messages (my mum bought an answer phone because of it) pleading to take him back.
I was still just barely clinging on to my college course, so had to bump into all 'our friends' and try and avoid him. I stayed late in class as he was outside waiting for it to end - stuff like that.
In the end I bagged every bit of stuff that he had ever given to me - even flowers that I had dried that he'd given me - in dustbin liners and Mum and I drove them round to his house. There was no one home, so I found the key to the garage in the usual place, unlocked it and dumped it all inside. I then popped a note through his door telling him he was welcome to it all and I never wanted to see him ever again.
I quit my college- it was hardly worth the sham of attending any more. He had put paid to my education so well that I needed to start over any how.
Over my 2 years at college, I had done 8 A level courses.
I started the first year doing Physics, Chemistry, Biology and Maths. Yes I really did. I quit at the end of the year as I had missed so much work because of 'Him' and his dramas that I decided to start over.
The next year I did History, Film Studies, History or Art and Art. I dropped this a week into my second year when I dropped the bags off at his house.
Nowadays that would count for 4 full A levels, but then it was worth nothing. He ruined my 2 year window of opportunity. I did later complete courses and things, but all whilst juggling a house, new husband and a little baby.
After the bag dumping we came home in my Mini listening to the Foo Fighters.
Big Me is the song of the break up. You would think it would be Country House, but I can still listen and enjoy that song. Big Me is the one that cracks me, that opens those jaws again and everything I lost in that 2 years.
He took my friends
He took my innocence
He took my trust of men
He took my education
He took my first baby
All of those things he took from me. And more.
I can't begin to list all the horrible things. All the little snippets like news paper clippings running through my mind. They are far to vast to catalogue.
Then today the supposedly innocuous website Facebook, has brought so many bitter questions up that have probably brewed there for years, but just hadn't fully formed in my mind.
I've told you what happened, but the emotional pain is not raw because of that. The past affects me sometimes when particular dates roll by. November 30th 1994 in my diary reads:
It was the worst experience of my entire life. I was spared the NHS as my mother paid for a private 'purging'. However a ward in Brighton, full of tired hard prostitutes on their 5th or 6th ridding, talking about their punters across your bed holds a deadly sickening and kidney splitting shame.
When I looked at his profile picture, little girl of about 7 sitting on his knee with a boy of about 4 and one of about 2 playing at his heels a vivid blast of coming-around in the recovery room staring at a prostitute's tattooed arse flashed into my mind. Sickness, anger, hate and deep sadness.
Did he think of me when he was trying to get his wife with child? Did he think of the one he killed when his wife told him she was pregnant? Did he wonder if it would live throughout the pregnancy? Did he feel like he didn't deserve to be given a child after what he did? Does his wife know that he killed one of her kids brothers or sisters? Do other people who've gone through this think about this shit?
No, I doubt it. He's got 3 beautiful children. He's married to his ex girlfriend - the one I thought was imaginary.
Gravida 8 Para 1. That's my story. I have 8 children, of which 7 are dead.
I feel like he added me on facebook to torture me. Rational me would be like "Nah, he's just nosey and wondering if you got fat like everyone else" But I feel like he's done it to show me what he's got. Fuck! It's 18 years ago. Why should I care? Why is this so bloody and raw?
I bet he doesn't even remember the date. Over the years I have gradually forgotten the date, but for some reason I wake up feeling low and tearful and my husband, god bless him, will say "Yeah, it's your sad day". I had found peace, to a certain degree, in knowing that Lupus took all my babies, and it would have been the same for that little one had it gone on a week or two more... but all the same. I still had to go through the trauma of his abuse and threats to leave me if I didn't sort it. Telling my parents and ruining their image and dreams of me that will forever be etched on their minds. Going to that awful place where the doctor that signs you off afterwards gives you a brown package and says
LITERALLY.
That speech is etched on my mind. I can see his office, feel and smell his minty breath on my face and hear the heating fan in the background. See the rubber plant and the books. I can see myself walking out of there numb. Shock.
I want to accept it. I want to click "yes, I'll be your friend" and devour his pictures and see what his life is like now because there is no way it can be as good as mine is now. I want to shove it to him so he can see what he abused and threw away like rubbish, how well I have done despite his efforts.
But...
I clicked block instead.
Even though you think no ones connected, we all are in little tiny threads of ways. I know which friend he knows, A distant old friend from school. It would seem they work together at a Food Superstore. I got rid of them too, just in case. They won't notice I have dropped off their feed as they are one of the many with too many threads - an impossible 1000+ friends.
It just shows me how little we look at things, I hadn't checked their profile for years probably, and he's now working on the fish counter and delicatessen of the same food store as 'Him'. If I had checked, it might have rung an alarm bell or two as that's where he worked as a teenager. That's where he is still working. That actually made me quite happy :)
The big dreamer is still having to dream, but it was always within me to realise mine.
I might have to entirely re-think being on facebook. But then again, it would be such a shame if he's ruined that too.
What a dilemma.
A friend of a friend added me on facebook today.
Let me set the background. My privacy settings are on lockdown as I don't like people looking me up like for example: 'Jane Smith used to go to playschool with you in 1979 and wants to add you as a freind' or 'Bob Builder liked the look of your legs when you were 14 so thought he would add you'.
In my opinion most of those adds are just nosiness or fakery to see how bad (hopefully) you are doing in life and how fat you got. I prefer to add people I know, see, trust and love. I share things with them that are the real me and I am happy to do so, even though I know a lot of people would not even do that.
It has irked me somewhat that you cannot stop friends of friends adding you, even if your name is unsearchable, but I have always been pretty sure that none of my friends friends are a particular issue - lets face, I know them not their friends! I just thought it would be quite nice if you could customise your settings to only have direct contact with people of your choosing... but that's not social networking is it... there has to be a catch somewhere.
So I happily share my life and times with my friends - not many - and a couple of colleagues and life goes by.
Until today. The world is a small place after all.
A friend of a friend clicked the little plus button and put my world into a horrible horrible place.
There was his face (aged badly I was quick to note!) and the faces of 3 children.
No message, no intro, no sorry I was a bastard, no nothing.
It's made me feel so shit it's unreal. I haven't got out of bed until now (2pm) and I should have gone and got my son, who's working with DH in the shop today, but I haven't been able to.
I am hovering under the surface of a vast pile of misery that I can't even spill out onto my dearest love in the world because no one, not one person, can understand how I feel. Except perhaps him - he wouldn't understand, but he would certainly know why I feel so bad.
Here's the dirt, not all, but an overview as its too gruesome to get everything out:
I was 16 when I met 'him'. He was an ugly spotty 16 year old. But he was different. I could have had any boy in our group but he had this suave way of carrying himself. A smooth talker, a liar and a massager of massive truths building a little castle for himself. He was an accomplished thief even by this time, and devastatingly persuasive. Dressed like a preppy rich kid, he interested me. In a little over 18 months he managed to break me in a way no one ever will again.
I watch these dramas on TV about housebeaten wives; simpering and tragically humble and weepy. That's not what it's like. I was powerful too, but not in the right way. I could answer back for myself, and did! I fought back, had the opportunity to walk away countless times and had the full support of my family - they begged me to dump him! But I couldn't. It's like a role. It's not you. It's an avalanche that has to reach the bottom. It's not what you want but you have no idea on earth how to stop it until someone comes along with the key to your personal dungeon.
Because no one knows where the lock is, not even you, let alone the key! You are powerless until that lock is found by that key, or you die.
I had been beaten, my leg smashed with a crowbar, stabbed with scissors, my emotions played like a harp, been on the receiving end of endless mind games, left in dangerous situations, humiliated in front of my friends, degraded in ways I won't share and so worn down that I was a valueless, snapped little girl.
He had cleared and weeded out my real friends and replaced them with his own - 'our friends' - so I was alone with a whole host of people around me; none knew me, or I them. they were party people who we hung around all the time, but were not really personal friends. After time, I knew absolutely that there was no one who would want me. There was no one who would ever think I was intelligent, or pretty, or useful, or fun ever again. I'd got above myself and he made sure that he told me how wrong I was. I was dumb, stupid, ugly, wore the wrong clothes, had the wrong type of blonde hair, was getting fat, didn't have enough money for him and couldn't get any more credit cards for him to use for me to pay off and I had stopped funding his drug habit and wouldn't be a stooge when he was nicking stuff.
But the worst crime he ever inflicted on me was getting me pregnant and laughing at me because my life was over.
That is a scar that has never, and never will be healed. I terminated the baby. I killed it. I can't think of it any other way even now, when I know from losing my subsequent 6 craved for babies to early miscarriage and still birth through Lupus that the little mite probably was doomed to begin with.
He told me to get rid of it, if I didn't I could forget him being around. He told me to go home and tell my parents and he would tell his. I thought that this was a good idea as then we were both facing it together, but he never told his parents. He left me to do it on my own. My Mum told his parents in the end as she said that he should pay for half the operation. She wanted it done quickly and privately off my medical records.
He didn't really need to be so horrible and aggressive about me terminating our baby because somewhere deep in me I knew that if I had that baby, even gave it away, that he and I would be tied to each other forever, and I couldn't let that happen to an innocent life. Mine was already a nightmare and I wasn't about to give him any one else to hurt.
All through the relationship - which is what it was, even God and Satan have a relationship - he would say the right things, smooth me over and make me fit for public, be kind in ways that were so numbing - flowers, jackets, dresses, shoes, rings, earrings, toys, champagne, love letters EVERY DAY, mix tapes, romantic dinners and get aways. He managed all this and was only 19 when we broke up!
It's practically impossible to believe it even happened to me!
One day, he made a mistake though. He'd done a good job on me and I was pretty resigned to the fact that I had made my bed - and it was flea infested - but was prepared to lie down in it, when we had a huge row.
It was the summer when Oasis and Blur were battling for #1.
Showing us for the stupid kids that we were, I wanted Country House by Blur to win as I thought it was just the best song ever created. He wanted Oasis. I can't remember the title of that song, but he wanted it to get the #1 spot. We were half drunk on tequilla sitting in a field in next to our tent on the sussex coast, smoking and sunning ourselves. The atmosphere was relaxed, the radio was blaring. My brother and his mate were down the beach and we had the place to ourselves. On moments like that - of which there were many - I felt lovely and happy and at peace. A friend of mine was supposed to be coming over that afternoon to chill with us and it was all good.
Blur won the #1 spot.
He went MAD at me. It was of course my fault - disgracing him by dancing around half naked (bikini) in a field and he belted me across the ear. My ear sang like a gun had gone off, I am guessing he nearly broke my ear drum, and the blistering pain bubbled up so much I couldn't speak.
He was on top of me, spitting in my face that I was a f'ing slag acting like that and that his ex girlfriend would never go on like that. She was so much better than me. Why was he still here. He was going off to get a proper shag. I could sit here and baby sit the kids (my bro and his mate) and think about how I hurt him every day and how if I wanted to be with him I needed to grow up.
He kicked me in the back and left. He had borrowed his mates car to get to the camp site, did not have a driving licence or insurance (obviously) and was intoxicated.
I was left in agony in a field without transport, money (in the car!), and therefore access to food or a payphone.
I opened up and cried myself to sleep in the tent waiting for my brother to come back. I had forgotten that my friend from work was supposed to be coming over.
At about 4ish I heard a car and was instantly getting myself together ready to apologise and win him over and when I came out it was my friend from work. He had brought some home made pizza and some chicken to BBQ, beer, wine and fags!
He saw my dishevelled state and was an instant balm. I told him most of what happened, leaving out the punches, slaps and spitting and that he might be back soon, but I didn't think so.
I didn't believe he was going back to his ex girlfriend's - they had broken up 2 years before and it was a schoolkid thing. It was just something he said to make me jealous, which in fact it never did because I didn't think this girl existed anyway - none of his Friend's remembered him having a girl before me... so....
I actually thought, and was correct, that he went to his mates who he'd borrowed the car from, got high and then passed out for a couple of days.
So. Me, my friend from work and 2 hungry teenage boys spent the night in the tent. My bro and his mate went to bed and my friend and I chatted for ages and ages. The following morning we went to the beach, my friend phoned in sick so I wasn't alone and we had a blast. We went driving and doing handbrake donuts on top of a hill, we picked up a hitchhiker at 3am who was an archaeologist excavating a prehistoric human find and had a fascinating woodland picnic with him in the moonlight showing us around the site.
That night my friend told me that he was deeply worried for my safety and asked why I would stay with someone like that.
I said it was because no one else would want me. He said, he did.
He found the lock. He had the key. It unlocked my hope.
The following morning we went to the phone box, he rang his girlfriend and told her it was over. It had been on and off for a while while they were at Uni, and he hadn't seen her for about a month but he said it was only fair to tell her immediately. He didn't want me thinking he had kept something from me.
Then I dialled 'His' number and I left a message with his Mum, because he refused to talk to me, that he and I were through. She was very very upset.
The next few days were an absolute whirlwind. I was showered by the creep with flowers and mix tapes of unending love, then spiteful late night phone calls calling me every name under the sun, then begging messages (my mum bought an answer phone because of it) pleading to take him back.
I was still just barely clinging on to my college course, so had to bump into all 'our friends' and try and avoid him. I stayed late in class as he was outside waiting for it to end - stuff like that.
In the end I bagged every bit of stuff that he had ever given to me - even flowers that I had dried that he'd given me - in dustbin liners and Mum and I drove them round to his house. There was no one home, so I found the key to the garage in the usual place, unlocked it and dumped it all inside. I then popped a note through his door telling him he was welcome to it all and I never wanted to see him ever again.
I quit my college- it was hardly worth the sham of attending any more. He had put paid to my education so well that I needed to start over any how.
Over my 2 years at college, I had done 8 A level courses.
I started the first year doing Physics, Chemistry, Biology and Maths. Yes I really did. I quit at the end of the year as I had missed so much work because of 'Him' and his dramas that I decided to start over.
The next year I did History, Film Studies, History or Art and Art. I dropped this a week into my second year when I dropped the bags off at his house.
Nowadays that would count for 4 full A levels, but then it was worth nothing. He ruined my 2 year window of opportunity. I did later complete courses and things, but all whilst juggling a house, new husband and a little baby.
After the bag dumping we came home in my Mini listening to the Foo Fighters.
Big Me is the song of the break up. You would think it would be Country House, but I can still listen and enjoy that song. Big Me is the one that cracks me, that opens those jaws again and everything I lost in that 2 years.
He took my friends
He took my innocence
He took my trust of men
He took my education
He took my first baby
All of those things he took from me. And more.
I can't begin to list all the horrible things. All the little snippets like news paper clippings running through my mind. They are far to vast to catalogue.
Then today the supposedly innocuous website Facebook, has brought so many bitter questions up that have probably brewed there for years, but just hadn't fully formed in my mind.
I've told you what happened, but the emotional pain is not raw because of that. The past affects me sometimes when particular dates roll by. November 30th 1994 in my diary reads:
Went in for my little operation. Unfortunately had to be alone. Mum and 'Him' in waiting room - I was so frightened. 'Him' bought (stole) me 5 CD's. Bjork, Lemonheads, Pearl Jam and 2 others. He had to work this evening so coming over tomorrow. I love himHe did sit in the waiting room, I guess I can give him that, but he didn't even bother to take the evening off to comfort his girlfriend on the murder of their child.
It was the worst experience of my entire life. I was spared the NHS as my mother paid for a private 'purging'. However a ward in Brighton, full of tired hard prostitutes on their 5th or 6th ridding, talking about their punters across your bed holds a deadly sickening and kidney splitting shame.
When I looked at his profile picture, little girl of about 7 sitting on his knee with a boy of about 4 and one of about 2 playing at his heels a vivid blast of coming-around in the recovery room staring at a prostitute's tattooed arse flashed into my mind. Sickness, anger, hate and deep sadness.
Did he think of me when he was trying to get his wife with child? Did he think of the one he killed when his wife told him she was pregnant? Did he wonder if it would live throughout the pregnancy? Did he feel like he didn't deserve to be given a child after what he did? Does his wife know that he killed one of her kids brothers or sisters? Do other people who've gone through this think about this shit?
No, I doubt it. He's got 3 beautiful children. He's married to his ex girlfriend - the one I thought was imaginary.
Gravida 8 Para 1. That's my story. I have 8 children, of which 7 are dead.
I feel like he added me on facebook to torture me. Rational me would be like "Nah, he's just nosey and wondering if you got fat like everyone else" But I feel like he's done it to show me what he's got. Fuck! It's 18 years ago. Why should I care? Why is this so bloody and raw?
I bet he doesn't even remember the date. Over the years I have gradually forgotten the date, but for some reason I wake up feeling low and tearful and my husband, god bless him, will say "Yeah, it's your sad day". I had found peace, to a certain degree, in knowing that Lupus took all my babies, and it would have been the same for that little one had it gone on a week or two more... but all the same. I still had to go through the trauma of his abuse and threats to leave me if I didn't sort it. Telling my parents and ruining their image and dreams of me that will forever be etched on their minds. Going to that awful place where the doctor that signs you off afterwards gives you a brown package and says
"Pee in this in 2 weeks and send it in for testing"and you say "What?!?!? After all that I could still be pregnant"and he said "It happens. Goodbye, I hope to never see you again in my entire life".
LITERALLY.
That speech is etched on my mind. I can see his office, feel and smell his minty breath on my face and hear the heating fan in the background. See the rubber plant and the books. I can see myself walking out of there numb. Shock.
I want to accept it. I want to click "yes, I'll be your friend" and devour his pictures and see what his life is like now because there is no way it can be as good as mine is now. I want to shove it to him so he can see what he abused and threw away like rubbish, how well I have done despite his efforts.
But...
I clicked block instead.
Even though you think no ones connected, we all are in little tiny threads of ways. I know which friend he knows, A distant old friend from school. It would seem they work together at a Food Superstore. I got rid of them too, just in case. They won't notice I have dropped off their feed as they are one of the many with too many threads - an impossible 1000+ friends.
It just shows me how little we look at things, I hadn't checked their profile for years probably, and he's now working on the fish counter and delicatessen of the same food store as 'Him'. If I had checked, it might have rung an alarm bell or two as that's where he worked as a teenager. That's where he is still working. That actually made me quite happy :)
The big dreamer is still having to dream, but it was always within me to realise mine.
I might have to entirely re-think being on facebook. But then again, it would be such a shame if he's ruined that too.
What a dilemma.
Friday, 18 January 2013
Photo updates
Hi all - nothing really to report other than I have been away on Holiday to spain for 2 weeks of indulgence and come back THE SAME WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't freaking believe that, and to celebrate (and a after a prodding from Jen)I have put some new photos up on the Photo Gallery to the right hand side, or click here --> PHOTOS
I am in my smallest clothes I own and have had to go and buy some - OFF THE PEG from Marks and Spencers.
I am now a size 20 in everything from Marks and Sparks which is FAB! I currently weigh 96.6kgs and am a very happy happy bunny!
I wish you all a happy evening from Snowy Cambridgeshire.
Hugs
x Bunny x
Then & Now
Can't freaking believe that, and to celebrate (and a after a prodding from Jen)I have put some new photos up on the Photo Gallery to the right hand side, or click here --> PHOTOS
I am in my smallest clothes I own and have had to go and buy some - OFF THE PEG from Marks and Spencers.
I am now a size 20 in everything from Marks and Sparks which is FAB! I currently weigh 96.6kgs and am a very happy happy bunny!
I wish you all a happy evening from Snowy Cambridgeshire.
Hugs
x Bunny x
Then & Now
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Tuesday, 20 November 2012
TA DA!!! I did it!!
There it is everyone... my complete mountain range along this expedition.
I have a little way to go to make it to my summit as you can see from my ticker at the top of the blog, but I am over half way. It has been a MAD journey.
I can't believe that the beginning descent as a banded person was way back in February 2007.
All those little dots mean so much to me - either in a bad way or a good way.
All that time until the final descent on the right had side was me and my band.
That final descent was me ON MY FREAKING OWN!
I had it in me to do this thing right from when I made my decision to have a lap band - I just didn't think I could do it and that I was a failure.
Truth was, I was not allowing myself to succeed.
All you people out there struggling with your band - take a look at that graph and see my battle. I whined, I was overjoyed, I whined and whinged and whined a bit more and then had a bit of success and then none.
Then see the point where I empowered myself to get this thing together and get cracking.
I had to accept some hard and very nasty facts about myself, but it did the trick.
I think all of us who struggle with our weight think we have a slow metabolism. I knew I did from the day I got fat. It wasn't my fault. Well - I got it tested and I was fine. In fact my metabolism was a couple of clicks faster than the norm. Bummer!!
That did it for me. It gave me a top limit (1947 calories) which I could never eat over ever again in my life. It also gave me a bottom starting figure for losing weight which was about 1500. I was not allowed to eat less than this.
It is a fallacy that you will lose it quicker if you eat less than this... you might to start out losing a lot but you will lose the will to live. You're body just cant hack it long term. On my new plan I had lunch and dinner and then there was still often times 600 calories left. I wasn't allowed to eat less so I went to the shop and bought a massive bar of chocolate - one of those slab type ones and eat the lot. 1st week I lost 6 pounds!!!!
This has to be the nicest way to lose weight ever. I am hungry and know I can eat. I am not puking up or missing out on nice meals with my family. I am not cooking and someone else doing the eating. I have wine, and cheese, and cake and Chinese take away and curries. MMMMmmm I actually feel like I live like a normal person and each and every time I have got on the scales I have lost weight.
I have even been on an all inclusive holiday - all the food and drink you can stomach - and STILL not gained!!
If you are struggling I SERIOUSLY urge you to give this a go with every fibre of your being.
If you have a fill it usually costs between £50 and £200 in the UK. Mine were £125 but it depends on your provider and if you had it done privately or NHS etc.
This test cost me £40. The subscription to LIVESTRONG.COM was about £20.
Best £60 I ever spent.
It's easy. Look at that weight dropping off me!!!!
I have every confidence that I will be my goal weight well before next summer. That will be a DREAM COME TRUE.
Today I weigh EXACTLY the same weight as I did at my brothers wedding in August 2008. That was my lowest ever weight since being morbidly obese.
I am not morbidly obese now. I am overweight.
The next battle I have is to try and not think that I am happy here where I am. I am very happy that I have reached this milestone again - one I never thought would happen - but I am not happy at this level of fatness. I have another 22kgs to go or about 45lbs. Something like that.
So that's my new diet. I'm gonna call it the "Wait - Don't get a Gastric Band Just Yet" diet.
Here it is:
Go get a Resting Metabolic Rate test - RMR. You can get this done in most gyms or leisure centres.
Look at your RMR. Whatever that number is take 500 calories off it.
e.g. my RMR was 1947. Take 500 away = 1447
Eat that lower limit. DON'T EAT LESS and don't eat significantly more. You must eat all of the lower limit cals. If you do fancy a blow out - then don't go more than your RMR.
Every time you lose 2 pounds (1 kgs) take 5 calories off of your lower limit.
e.g. lower limit is 1447. lose 2 pounds adjust lower limit to 1442
This all becomes much easier with a calorie programme like Livestrong as it auto adjusts your lower limit as you lose weight.
It works. Seriously. If you're struggling to lose weight why not try it. What have you got to lose?
You don't have to have your RMR measured if you use livestrong - and it has a free option so it's possible to not spend anything doing this.
I wanted to get it tested clinically for my own realisation and torture ;-) I have it sellotaped to my wall to remind me I am normal and being overweight is not because I have a slow metabolism.
That's my advice. I am enjoying losing weight now and it was as easy as pie.
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
MORE THAN HALF WAY!
HA! Result.
I now have less to lose than I have already lost!! YIPEE.
This morning I was 99.3kgs and that means I only have another 22kgs or so to go until I am at my goal weight. Or what I think my goal will be any way.
If I am really really good do you think I could lose 1kg a week? I doubt it. Nice thought though!!!
I am hoping to be at goal around April next year so I can buy a whole new summer wardrobe of clothes. Ahhhhh that would be awesome, and then in the autumn I can buy a whole new winter wardrobe!! It would work out perfectly.
Anyway, today I wanted to share a miracle with you.
Sharpie pens. They. Are. A. Nightmare. To. Get. Out. Of. Clothes!
Unlessssssss you have some antibacterial hand gel!! Check this out.
DS comes in complaining that he got pen on his really expensive heavy cotton Jack Wills jumper I just bought him *Flared nostrils and steam from ears*.
I dash to the car and grab my 'manky piano kid degrimer' aka hand gel.
I now have less to lose than I have already lost!! YIPEE.
This morning I was 99.3kgs and that means I only have another 22kgs or so to go until I am at my goal weight. Or what I think my goal will be any way.
If I am really really good do you think I could lose 1kg a week? I doubt it. Nice thought though!!!
I am hoping to be at goal around April next year so I can buy a whole new summer wardrobe of clothes. Ahhhhh that would be awesome, and then in the autumn I can buy a whole new winter wardrobe!! It would work out perfectly.
Anyway, today I wanted to share a miracle with you.
Sharpie pens. They. Are. A. Nightmare. To. Get. Out. Of. Clothes!
Unlessssssss you have some antibacterial hand gel!! Check this out.
DS comes in complaining that he got pen on his really expensive heavy cotton Jack Wills jumper I just bought him *Flared nostrils and steam from ears*.
I dash to the car and grab my 'manky piano kid degrimer' aka hand gel.
liberally dump on gel
rub a little bit violently
keep rubbing
Rinse and then....Ta Da!!
Ok, so there is the tiniest weeniest bit left, but I couldnt be bothered any more and it's so miniscule that on the whole jumper its near on impossible to see.
So, I thoroughly recommend this for all forms of indelible inks - expecially sharpies!!
Saturday, 27 October 2012
No longer in treble figures!!!!!!!!!! 99kgs!!
Yes! At last I have broken into double figures!! I have been struggling with this last few pounds, made harder because of my 5 day break in Majorca - All Inclusive - and then a horrible cough and cold thing.
I also hadnt been able to get to the gym for the middle weeks of October which sucked because I was either away or too ill.
I went back to the gym on Thursday for the first time in what seemed like a billion years, but was in fact only 18 days. I was glad to see that I hadnt slipped too far from grace and after 1 session was back up to my old level and workout times.
I also have VICTORY on the trouser front. Remember my fave trousers I havent been able to wear for about 4 years? This is how far I got them on last time
And today...
What a difference 12 weeks makes! The first photo of the trousers was taken mid July!!
YAY! I am so happy. I know it's now not really the weather for these kind of trousers, but I love them :-)
Also the T shirt in the first photo is the white version of the black one above. This only reached by belly button in the first shot as it strained to contain my buxomness... today the T shirt sits much nicer.
LIFE IS GOOD!
Looks like I am on track to be goal weight within a year of starting this mission. Half way there if you check out my diet ticker above.
Hope everyone has a fab weekend.
Saturday, 22 September 2012
So Close I can smell it...
Today I weighed 101.2kgs.
I told DH that I would go to badminton and join his club when I hit 100kgs... so only 1kg away from that right now. That's kind of scary, but kind of exhilarating too.
I am blonde, thinner that I have been in 3 years and feeling very very good right now.
My MAJOR GOAL, in case you don't know is 97kgs. It's an incredible achievement to have lost 22kgs and get to 100kgs (which I will hopefully get by next week) but 97 is the one for me. 97kgs was my lowest I ever got with my Lap band, and I am amazed I am doing it without the band and its so easy. I have shed nearly 15kgs since May and I am so amazed with myself. I truly thought that I was lost forever in a sea of fatness.
I am hitting the gym hard too. I am trying to go 4 times a week, and am trying to burn at least 500 calories each time I work out. that usually amounts to 50 minutes workout, but occasionally I go to 65 minutes to get 700 calories busted!!
Yesterday was a 700cal day. The reason for this was because I wanted a comfort food day. I have now figured that I can have blow out days and eat quite a lot of crap (within moderation) and still lose weight which is sooo cool, as long as I up the gym.
Yesterday I really fancied Rice & Sauce. This is a pretty hefty meal because the rice is 355 calories in itself and the sauce is practically as calorific as lard! Can you believe that? The sauce that I have with my rice is 740 calories for 100g!!
Its a fermented soy bean and chilli sauce from Lao Gan Ma. It's a small jar that costs about £1.50 a jar and its hotter than hell. It is also unbelievably delicious. It's not like anything I have ever tasted and I adore it.
I had 30 grams of this stuff on my 100g of rice and whacked up 600cals just for my lunch.
It was divine, and for tea we had a takeaway - I had a Chicken Tikka Naan wrap with salad, mayonnaise & chilli sauce.
I washed it down with a bottle of red and the evening was complete.
Sometimes you just need to blow and comfort yourself, and that's the beauty of this diet I am doing... I can eat whatever the hell I want as long as I negate the excess with exercise or keep to the limit.
My calorie limit has reduced to 1445 calories a day now, so I must reign myself in. I am blown away by my weight loss this month though!
YAY! I think I will be slimming world slimmer of the month again :-)
I told DH that I would go to badminton and join his club when I hit 100kgs... so only 1kg away from that right now. That's kind of scary, but kind of exhilarating too.
I am blonde, thinner that I have been in 3 years and feeling very very good right now.
My MAJOR GOAL, in case you don't know is 97kgs. It's an incredible achievement to have lost 22kgs and get to 100kgs (which I will hopefully get by next week) but 97 is the one for me. 97kgs was my lowest I ever got with my Lap band, and I am amazed I am doing it without the band and its so easy. I have shed nearly 15kgs since May and I am so amazed with myself. I truly thought that I was lost forever in a sea of fatness.
I am hitting the gym hard too. I am trying to go 4 times a week, and am trying to burn at least 500 calories each time I work out. that usually amounts to 50 minutes workout, but occasionally I go to 65 minutes to get 700 calories busted!!
Yesterday was a 700cal day. The reason for this was because I wanted a comfort food day. I have now figured that I can have blow out days and eat quite a lot of crap (within moderation) and still lose weight which is sooo cool, as long as I up the gym.
Yesterday I really fancied Rice & Sauce. This is a pretty hefty meal because the rice is 355 calories in itself and the sauce is practically as calorific as lard! Can you believe that? The sauce that I have with my rice is 740 calories for 100g!!
Its a fermented soy bean and chilli sauce from Lao Gan Ma. It's a small jar that costs about £1.50 a jar and its hotter than hell. It is also unbelievably delicious. It's not like anything I have ever tasted and I adore it.
I had 30 grams of this stuff on my 100g of rice and whacked up 600cals just for my lunch.
It was divine, and for tea we had a takeaway - I had a Chicken Tikka Naan wrap with salad, mayonnaise & chilli sauce.
I washed it down with a bottle of red and the evening was complete.
Sometimes you just need to blow and comfort yourself, and that's the beauty of this diet I am doing... I can eat whatever the hell I want as long as I negate the excess with exercise or keep to the limit.
My calorie limit has reduced to 1445 calories a day now, so I must reign myself in. I am blown away by my weight loss this month though!
YAY! I think I will be slimming world slimmer of the month again :-)
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Radio 4th
Went on the radio for the 4th time yesterday. I was only on for about 20 minutes, and I had so much to say, so much joy to spread, so many useful things to help people who are struggling... but I couldn't say it as I had to go through all the back story again. Which was also wrong. Which you cant contradict. Which sucks.
I guess its what they want but its a bit rubbish to not get it right. His scales are whack too.
I am 102.3kgs - 16stone 1.5lbs or 225.5lbs
He weighed me at 16stone 6... so you can see there's a couple of kgs/lbs out right there!! That happened last time too. To be honest that doesn't matter as long as its consistent but then he said that the last time I came on I weighed in at 17stone 2 when he ACTUALLY weighed me at 17 stone 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrr
So on air the last time I saw him, he said I had lost 8 pounds - which at that time accounted for 2 pounds a week since I started my programme with my Guru that they provided.
So this time It would have been WOWOWOWOWOW. But because he got it wrong by saying it was 17stone 2 it looked a bit..... Meh.
Infuriating.
They also went through all the back story saying stuff like "so you used to cheat the band shoving ice cream down and chocolate etc etc...!" NO I F'ING DID NOT!!! I don't even like ice cream!!!!!!
But you cant contradict it.
Sod it.
Whatever.
I am losing weight and I actually don't give a rats ass what he thinks. I did get in further along that actually eating with a band is hard if you were served up steak and chips so generally mushier things are easier like curry and chilli and soups etc and that's where I went wrong in high calorie saucy things. So I did right it, but not at the time when I needed to. I also got in that my band broke - not that I just cheated - and that it wasn't just me getting a band then fucking it up because liek he said - that would be ridiculous. FFS! Who would spend £6K and then go eating liquid lard. twat.
My journey has been FRAUGHT with disasters and now finally I have got it together. THAT is the freaking back story!!!!!
I have lost 13 and a half KILOS since May. That's 30lbs!!! More than 2 stone!!!
I am so chuffed at myself and my dedication thus far.
I have learned during this few months that if I fail - then I fail small. If I had a cake bar too many or a desert at a restaurant before... then I knew I had screwed up. But that was always the tip of the iceberg and then would follow a meltdown. I hadn't just messed up - I had messed up permanently. So now I have had to force myself to just fail in that moment. Fight the urge to dive down the slope of misery and "I'll start again on Monday". I now just get right back to the grind. I also compensate with extra gym.
The Monday Conundrum is no longer a problem. Nothing starts Monday. It starts right now.
I also don't condemn myself for my previous existence. I don't want to really think about being the fatter old me because I am creating a new person - the real person that is inside me. The one that people talk to, love, confide in but that is covered in Fat and marginalised because of that.
I don't place undue pressure or stress on myself either. I don't write out goals that are unattainable or push myself into routines or habits that I wont be able to sustain for the rest of my life. Those things are not the elixir to losing weight but the total poison.
I have also realised that my motivation is driven by happiness. I don't do fear. It would seem that motivation is driven by either happiness or fear and although they both work - happiness is my master. I have treated myself every day. I have had my hair done (yeah we know what a nightmare that was - but it was nice to have it played with all the same!) I have done my toenails in nice polish and I have indulged in books I want to read and TV slobbing for contentment. I finish the day tired and ready for bed knowing I have accomplished a lot.
I also have realised I have to stop making myself feel bad about being naughty. No ones perfect so a little treat here and there - as long as it is just that - is not the end of the world... and to be brutally honest is DEFINITELY not as bad for me now as when I was 20kgs/40lbs heavier! The health risks with a pig out now, are way less!!
So last night I had a curry and a bottle of wine and enjoyed every mouthful. It doesn't negate my previous success and it doesn't negate any future ones either. It was yummy, and to be honest I didn't even consider it failing. It was a food choice which I counted the calorie cost of and it was YUM! However, it didn't enjoy me evidently as I had a really dodgy tum this morning, but hey!
I am now off to the gym to burn about 600 cals - this is an extra session to compensate for the additional calories yesterday. It works!
I consume about 1450 calories a day now... gradually getting less and less. As the weight comes down, I get less to eat HAHA that's the only bummer - but it gets the job done.
Post Script -
For people who have followed me for years - I apologise for the self righteousness of 'me' at the moment. I have never been in a position when I have been winning this game so I thought I would - just this one time - enjoy the opportunity!! HAHAHAHA
I guess its what they want but its a bit rubbish to not get it right. His scales are whack too.
I am 102.3kgs - 16stone 1.5lbs or 225.5lbs
He weighed me at 16stone 6... so you can see there's a couple of kgs/lbs out right there!! That happened last time too. To be honest that doesn't matter as long as its consistent but then he said that the last time I came on I weighed in at 17stone 2 when he ACTUALLY weighed me at 17 stone 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrr
So on air the last time I saw him, he said I had lost 8 pounds - which at that time accounted for 2 pounds a week since I started my programme with my Guru that they provided.
So this time It would have been WOWOWOWOWOW. But because he got it wrong by saying it was 17stone 2 it looked a bit..... Meh.
Infuriating.
They also went through all the back story saying stuff like "so you used to cheat the band shoving ice cream down and chocolate etc etc...!" NO I F'ING DID NOT!!! I don't even like ice cream!!!!!!
But you cant contradict it.
Sod it.
Whatever.
I am losing weight and I actually don't give a rats ass what he thinks. I did get in further along that actually eating with a band is hard if you were served up steak and chips so generally mushier things are easier like curry and chilli and soups etc and that's where I went wrong in high calorie saucy things. So I did right it, but not at the time when I needed to. I also got in that my band broke - not that I just cheated - and that it wasn't just me getting a band then fucking it up because liek he said - that would be ridiculous. FFS! Who would spend £6K and then go eating liquid lard. twat.
My journey has been FRAUGHT with disasters and now finally I have got it together. THAT is the freaking back story!!!!!
I have lost 13 and a half KILOS since May. That's 30lbs!!! More than 2 stone!!!
I am so chuffed at myself and my dedication thus far.
I have learned during this few months that if I fail - then I fail small. If I had a cake bar too many or a desert at a restaurant before... then I knew I had screwed up. But that was always the tip of the iceberg and then would follow a meltdown. I hadn't just messed up - I had messed up permanently. So now I have had to force myself to just fail in that moment. Fight the urge to dive down the slope of misery and "I'll start again on Monday". I now just get right back to the grind. I also compensate with extra gym.
The Monday Conundrum is no longer a problem. Nothing starts Monday. It starts right now.
I also don't condemn myself for my previous existence. I don't want to really think about being the fatter old me because I am creating a new person - the real person that is inside me. The one that people talk to, love, confide in but that is covered in Fat and marginalised because of that.
I don't place undue pressure or stress on myself either. I don't write out goals that are unattainable or push myself into routines or habits that I wont be able to sustain for the rest of my life. Those things are not the elixir to losing weight but the total poison.
I have also realised that my motivation is driven by happiness. I don't do fear. It would seem that motivation is driven by either happiness or fear and although they both work - happiness is my master. I have treated myself every day. I have had my hair done (yeah we know what a nightmare that was - but it was nice to have it played with all the same!) I have done my toenails in nice polish and I have indulged in books I want to read and TV slobbing for contentment. I finish the day tired and ready for bed knowing I have accomplished a lot.
I also have realised I have to stop making myself feel bad about being naughty. No ones perfect so a little treat here and there - as long as it is just that - is not the end of the world... and to be brutally honest is DEFINITELY not as bad for me now as when I was 20kgs/40lbs heavier! The health risks with a pig out now, are way less!!
So last night I had a curry and a bottle of wine and enjoyed every mouthful. It doesn't negate my previous success and it doesn't negate any future ones either. It was yummy, and to be honest I didn't even consider it failing. It was a food choice which I counted the calorie cost of and it was YUM! However, it didn't enjoy me evidently as I had a really dodgy tum this morning, but hey!
I am now off to the gym to burn about 600 cals - this is an extra session to compensate for the additional calories yesterday. It works!
I consume about 1450 calories a day now... gradually getting less and less. As the weight comes down, I get less to eat HAHA that's the only bummer - but it gets the job done.
Post Script -
For people who have followed me for years - I apologise for the self righteousness of 'me' at the moment. I have never been in a position when I have been winning this game so I thought I would - just this one time - enjoy the opportunity!! HAHAHAHA
Friday, 24 August 2012
New stuff
Oh I am really happy.
I have had a great couple of weeks, with a minor scare in the middle.
It started like this:
I want to be blonde.
So I went to my hairdresser and got my hair highlighted. It was the first time I had had him do it as the girl I usually have has left. I say 'usually' in a loose way because I am the kind of person who has one hair cut a year.
I had a full head of highlights and a cut and because there wasn't enough time to blow dry it, I came home with wet hair. No probs. I live in a rural place and that kind of thing is accepted. They also are of the opinion that we will only get home, wash it and blow dry it ourselves anyway... that's the folk around here for you - I am a 'foreginer' remember.
I got home and thought I would just let it dry natural and bummed around on the computer for a bit. DS walks in from a mates house and yells "What have you done?!?!?!" I go to the mirror and - NO JOKE - I am as grey as my great grandmother.
The highlights were pure white. I was stunned a bit, recovered and grabbed my car keys. I drove to tesco and grabbed a bottle of my usual blonde colour (I have been au-naturale dark blonde for some time though) called Helsinki by Loreal.
Got home, added the jollop and waited. Took it off, washed it, dried it and was gulping back tears.
It was now blue where the white was, and orange where the dark blonde original was.
So I phoned my Mum for advice. She suggested getting a dark or beige blonde and putting that one and then letting it fade.
I went to the chemist in the village and grabbed medium blonde and dark blonde just in case. I put the Dark blonde on and all the palaver that follows... Once it was dry I was gutted. It was darker than my own natural hair colour, and a kind of auburn/reddy colour on the parting and crown area on the top of my head. I should have gone for the lighter one :-(
Mum was out so this was dissolving into a nightmare situation. I googled. I found a product called Colour B 4 which basically strips the colour you just put on out of your hair.
They had one at tescos. We drove there, DH and I, and grabbed a bottle of that, a bottle of Lightest Ash Blonde and a dark brown hair dye.
My reasoning was that after the stripper, I was going to try and get it blonde again, but if all else failed I could go brown!
The stripper scared the total shit out of me
It went day-glo yellow where the white bits were and violent orange on my natural.
I looked like I had been tangoed!
After all that, and at 11pm I rang mum saying we were good to go for ash blonde. She suggested I put it on and after 5 minutes have a look and see if it was a shade that I could live with... if not then keep checking until I was. I liked the colour at 5 minutes so we washed it off and it had neutralised the violence and toned the rest.
Its not quite what I wanted... which was golden honey coloured hair... but it was blonde.
All night and most of the next day my head ached and felt hot. It was as sore as a slapped bum. I had blisters the next day on the top of my head and I was just glad the hair was still hanging in there.
I am going to give it another week or so and then put a helsinki on it again and tone it to the right blonde as this is really not what I wanted... its still mildly orange on the top and the only way to solve that is to bleach it further. ( the photos seems absolutely fine, but orange is there trust me!)
I did this because Darling Husband said he loved it when I was blonde. I was blonde when I met him, and was blonde for many years via loreal and being darker these last few years I haven't particularly enjoyed enjoyed either.
I countered with, I loved you WITH hair... but we just giggled and I succumbed to the bottle. I think he would just love it if I had the red lipstick and stilettos to go with it!! Perve.
So I am happy with my new shade and then I went out looking at cars.
I went to have a LOOK. Just have a few test drives of different cars and see which one I liked and felt safe and comfortable in. We didn't intend to by one just yet as we still haven't finished paying Mum back for DH's car. Our last payment to her is 1st October. His car was a bit of a treat and they wanted us to have it, so they said get it and then pay us back. We have paid them nearly £300 a month so that we get rid of the debt in a year and that's worked well.
It also showed us that we could easily afford to have a new car over 5 year finance because we would pay less that £300!! So we decided that we would get a new car for me, as mine poor old nag is bandaged up and on morphine daily. I was intending to get the new one some time in October but...
I came across this LOVELY new stallion of a horse. I tried out a load of cars on Wednesday and I just loved this one.
It has just about everything I am never going to use on it - like 6 speed gear box (?!?!) and cruise control HAHA!
My stipulations for the new horse were these: Cheap tax, iPod Connection, Diesel, As new as possible, big enough for a growing teenage monster + friends and assorted paraphanalia.
I didnt care what it was, what colour or any of that shit.
This is a Kia Cee'd 2 EcoDynamics which is 6 months old. It's perfect.
The payments are just £225 a month, so I kind of feel like I have got a brand new car AND a reduction in my monthly payments!! I feel quids in :-)
So I signed on the dotted and I pick it up on Friday 31st August - the day after our 15th Wedding Anniversary which I think is just lovely! Its like the best present ever.
I went to tesco after this, and I was just grabbing a few bits when I spotted this lovely dress. I loved it, but I didn't try it on because the changing rooms were closed. I grabbed what I thought looked my size and thought I would just take it back if it looked rubbish.
It looks ACE!
Phil took this with my iPhone and doesn't know how to use the focus, but you get the idea. I love it and I feel like I am starting to get somewhere with this blubber girls!! I feel like sunshine when I wear it... I haven't had that feeling very much in my life. It kind of doesn't matter what I look like to others, but I just feel a billion quid wearing it ya know?
So wearing my new dress and hair I went for an interview for a position as a Music Teacher at the local Academy High School. Its a strange job because I won't actually work there, but in the 'feeder primary schools' giving piano and theory of music tuition to the kids there so that they get the opportunity to take it further in senior schools. I think I will have 2 schools to start with and then that will increase to 4 as I develop the course.
This will be the best job ever because I don't have to drive around the world doing 4 lessons in the time it takes to do 12 - and nor do I have to buy music, enter them for exams or deal with fussy parents!
I got the job! The director of the school said he had decided 20 seconds after meeting me which was such a lovely thing to say!
So I have a LOT of new stuff!
This morning I was given yet another beautiful gift of 104kgs on the scales!!!!!!!!!! That's probably the best gift ever! I am now at the lowest I got with my band before it broke. I am also only 6kgs heavier that both my husband and my lowest weight ever!!!!
The title of my blog has always been Weightloss Expedition, and I think my graph shows the mountains peaks and troughs of that trial. But at the moment, thankfully, I am free falling down the side riding on the waves of an avalanche - hopefully back to base camp and finish this bitch of a journey!!
I hope you are all having fabulous things happen to you all, and if not then believe that they will happen! My husband said this morning we've had the "For Poorer" and we've had the "For sickness" bit of our vows and now we want the rest :-)
I have had a great couple of weeks, with a minor scare in the middle.
It started like this:
I want to be blonde.
So I went to my hairdresser and got my hair highlighted. It was the first time I had had him do it as the girl I usually have has left. I say 'usually' in a loose way because I am the kind of person who has one hair cut a year.
I had a full head of highlights and a cut and because there wasn't enough time to blow dry it, I came home with wet hair. No probs. I live in a rural place and that kind of thing is accepted. They also are of the opinion that we will only get home, wash it and blow dry it ourselves anyway... that's the folk around here for you - I am a 'foreginer' remember.
I got home and thought I would just let it dry natural and bummed around on the computer for a bit. DS walks in from a mates house and yells "What have you done?!?!?!" I go to the mirror and - NO JOKE - I am as grey as my great grandmother.
The highlights were pure white. I was stunned a bit, recovered and grabbed my car keys. I drove to tesco and grabbed a bottle of my usual blonde colour (I have been au-naturale dark blonde for some time though) called Helsinki by Loreal.
Got home, added the jollop and waited. Took it off, washed it, dried it and was gulping back tears.
It was now blue where the white was, and orange where the dark blonde original was.
So I phoned my Mum for advice. She suggested getting a dark or beige blonde and putting that one and then letting it fade.
I went to the chemist in the village and grabbed medium blonde and dark blonde just in case. I put the Dark blonde on and all the palaver that follows... Once it was dry I was gutted. It was darker than my own natural hair colour, and a kind of auburn/reddy colour on the parting and crown area on the top of my head. I should have gone for the lighter one :-(
Mum was out so this was dissolving into a nightmare situation. I googled. I found a product called Colour B 4 which basically strips the colour you just put on out of your hair.
They had one at tescos. We drove there, DH and I, and grabbed a bottle of that, a bottle of Lightest Ash Blonde and a dark brown hair dye.
My reasoning was that after the stripper, I was going to try and get it blonde again, but if all else failed I could go brown!
The stripper scared the total shit out of me
It went day-glo yellow where the white bits were and violent orange on my natural.
I looked like I had been tangoed!
After all that, and at 11pm I rang mum saying we were good to go for ash blonde. She suggested I put it on and after 5 minutes have a look and see if it was a shade that I could live with... if not then keep checking until I was. I liked the colour at 5 minutes so we washed it off and it had neutralised the violence and toned the rest.
Its not quite what I wanted... which was golden honey coloured hair... but it was blonde.
All night and most of the next day my head ached and felt hot. It was as sore as a slapped bum. I had blisters the next day on the top of my head and I was just glad the hair was still hanging in there.
I am going to give it another week or so and then put a helsinki on it again and tone it to the right blonde as this is really not what I wanted... its still mildly orange on the top and the only way to solve that is to bleach it further. ( the photos seems absolutely fine, but orange is there trust me!)
I did this because Darling Husband said he loved it when I was blonde. I was blonde when I met him, and was blonde for many years via loreal and being darker these last few years I haven't particularly enjoyed enjoyed either.
I countered with, I loved you WITH hair... but we just giggled and I succumbed to the bottle. I think he would just love it if I had the red lipstick and stilettos to go with it!! Perve.
So I am happy with my new shade and then I went out looking at cars.
I went to have a LOOK. Just have a few test drives of different cars and see which one I liked and felt safe and comfortable in. We didn't intend to by one just yet as we still haven't finished paying Mum back for DH's car. Our last payment to her is 1st October. His car was a bit of a treat and they wanted us to have it, so they said get it and then pay us back. We have paid them nearly £300 a month so that we get rid of the debt in a year and that's worked well.
It also showed us that we could easily afford to have a new car over 5 year finance because we would pay less that £300!! So we decided that we would get a new car for me, as mine poor old nag is bandaged up and on morphine daily. I was intending to get the new one some time in October but...
I came across this LOVELY new stallion of a horse. I tried out a load of cars on Wednesday and I just loved this one.
It has just about everything I am never going to use on it - like 6 speed gear box (?!?!) and cruise control HAHA!
My stipulations for the new horse were these: Cheap tax, iPod Connection, Diesel, As new as possible, big enough for a growing teenage monster + friends and assorted paraphanalia.
I didnt care what it was, what colour or any of that shit.
This is a Kia Cee'd 2 EcoDynamics which is 6 months old. It's perfect.
The payments are just £225 a month, so I kind of feel like I have got a brand new car AND a reduction in my monthly payments!! I feel quids in :-)
So I signed on the dotted and I pick it up on Friday 31st August - the day after our 15th Wedding Anniversary which I think is just lovely! Its like the best present ever.
I went to tesco after this, and I was just grabbing a few bits when I spotted this lovely dress. I loved it, but I didn't try it on because the changing rooms were closed. I grabbed what I thought looked my size and thought I would just take it back if it looked rubbish.
It looks ACE!
Phil took this with my iPhone and doesn't know how to use the focus, but you get the idea. I love it and I feel like I am starting to get somewhere with this blubber girls!! I feel like sunshine when I wear it... I haven't had that feeling very much in my life. It kind of doesn't matter what I look like to others, but I just feel a billion quid wearing it ya know?
So wearing my new dress and hair I went for an interview for a position as a Music Teacher at the local Academy High School. Its a strange job because I won't actually work there, but in the 'feeder primary schools' giving piano and theory of music tuition to the kids there so that they get the opportunity to take it further in senior schools. I think I will have 2 schools to start with and then that will increase to 4 as I develop the course.
This will be the best job ever because I don't have to drive around the world doing 4 lessons in the time it takes to do 12 - and nor do I have to buy music, enter them for exams or deal with fussy parents!
I got the job! The director of the school said he had decided 20 seconds after meeting me which was such a lovely thing to say!
So I have a LOT of new stuff!
This morning I was given yet another beautiful gift of 104kgs on the scales!!!!!!!!!! That's probably the best gift ever! I am now at the lowest I got with my band before it broke. I am also only 6kgs heavier that both my husband and my lowest weight ever!!!!
The title of my blog has always been Weightloss Expedition, and I think my graph shows the mountains peaks and troughs of that trial. But at the moment, thankfully, I am free falling down the side riding on the waves of an avalanche - hopefully back to base camp and finish this bitch of a journey!!
I hope you are all having fabulous things happen to you all, and if not then believe that they will happen! My husband said this morning we've had the "For Poorer" and we've had the "For sickness" bit of our vows and now we want the rest :-)
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Plans
Nearly killed myself yesterday at the gym. I thought I would have a go at the cross trainer now I have lost a bit of bulge.
I had already done 10 minutes on the treadmill doing my usual random hills at level 9 when i decided this. So I did another 5 minutes to gauge the calorie burn. I burned 46 calories in 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I hopped off and jumped onto a cross trainer. I set it at the lowest level and gave it a whirl. Nightmare. I hate the bloody things. I am sure they are designed by Satan personally for me. Anyway, I was going to do 15 minutes on there, but I pushed myself beyond all my physical strength to do 5!
In 5 minutes on Level 0 (AKA Level 'Sheer Hell') I burned 44 cals.
Bugger that then!!
I went back to the old faithful and did 1 hour on there. I burned 540 in that hour. I had also burned the 44 from the torture machine, and 140 before that so in total it was 724!!!!!!!
Oh man that was the maddest session ever! But, As I had over indulged the previous day by about 200 cals, and I was out to a BBQ that evening, I thought that I should do a bit more.
Its good to make plans, but for future reference, its probably easier to just not eat so much!
Have a good weekend all.
On a happier note, I am shit hot at growing Orchids.
They are so beautiful this year - check em out!
Also, This is a photo of a pair of trousers that I LOVE! I cant do them up right now, but I will try them on a regular intervals until I can! I think I wore them when I was at my thinnest, so that will be a great achievement when I can do them up again!!
A couple of months ago I put them away in the drawer because I couldnt actually get them on at all!! So we already have a semi achievement in the fact I can pull em up! LOL
I had already done 10 minutes on the treadmill doing my usual random hills at level 9 when i decided this. So I did another 5 minutes to gauge the calorie burn. I burned 46 calories in 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I hopped off and jumped onto a cross trainer. I set it at the lowest level and gave it a whirl. Nightmare. I hate the bloody things. I am sure they are designed by Satan personally for me. Anyway, I was going to do 15 minutes on there, but I pushed myself beyond all my physical strength to do 5!
In 5 minutes on Level 0 (AKA Level 'Sheer Hell') I burned 44 cals.
Bugger that then!!
I went back to the old faithful and did 1 hour on there. I burned 540 in that hour. I had also burned the 44 from the torture machine, and 140 before that so in total it was 724!!!!!!!
Oh man that was the maddest session ever! But, As I had over indulged the previous day by about 200 cals, and I was out to a BBQ that evening, I thought that I should do a bit more.
Its good to make plans, but for future reference, its probably easier to just not eat so much!
Have a good weekend all.
On a happier note, I am shit hot at growing Orchids.
They are so beautiful this year - check em out!
Geoffrey the flower girl... he hates it when we are outside and he's not allowed :-)
Also, This is a photo of a pair of trousers that I LOVE! I cant do them up right now, but I will try them on a regular intervals until I can! I think I wore them when I was at my thinnest, so that will be a great achievement when I can do them up again!!
A couple of months ago I put them away in the drawer because I couldnt actually get them on at all!! So we already have a semi achievement in the fact I can pull em up! LOL
Friday, 10 August 2012
105's...
Yes, the 105kgs are here...
I hardly registered that I was in the 106's as they were gone in a flash!
How is that possible that some numbers stick around for ages, but others fly by and you can hardly remember them? Weird.
Anyway, yesterday I was 105.9kgs and today I am safely in the middle at 105.6kgs.
I really hope that they wont be around long either and I could possible be in the 104's by the end of next week.
I am super charged and so excited by the weightloss that I can hardly think of anything else, which is very very VERY good right now.
These are my new gym trainers. They are the ugliest trainers I have ever seen. They are covered in ziggy zaggy flashy blues, silver and blacks all busy busy and horrible. They are Men's too as I am a 9 and you simply cant buy Women's trainers above an 8 in a shop - you need to get them online and I need to try them on right? it just sucks in England if you have amazonian feet and happen to be a woman. (as a side line - it might also be that I live in the back of beyond!)
I would NEVER have bought them in a zillion years had they not been the lightest, lighter than fluffy marshmallow, comfy squidgy soled beauties that they are!!
So, they get to come with me each time I work out and I love them!
I am in good solid gym routine of Monday, Wednesday, Friday and the occasional Saturday. Its working for sure. Since I restarted the gym at the beginning of July I have been shifting a lot more fat from me carcass.
When I am on that treadmill listening to pumping tunes - personally selected for getting me going and that have kind of inspirational words in there too - I visualise myself on holiday at Xmas. I am wearing a red bikini and I don't give a SHIT!
I am just 1 stone heavier than my lowest weight ever and I can freaking smell it baby!!!!!!!!
It seemed a million miles away. I never thought it would be within reach again ever, but here it is... just 8kgs away if that.
We are not just going away at Xmas... there is a small interim goal in 7th October. Mum and Dad have paid for us to go on a 4 day break to Majorca! That's only 8 weeks away, so you never know, I could be at my lowest ever by then!! That would be so awesome.
I don't know if we will see Mum and Dad before we go, so when they next see me I will be a lot slimmer than I was! That will please them as they know I am really trying hard. I am already 3kgs lower than when I saw them last!
But I don't want to get bogged down with thinking too far ahead. Its important for me to have my future image in my head, but not to think to definitively about when that will be.
I think sometimes we focus on the end goal and its too massive to contemplate and then we get disheartened. I thank Linda (my guru) for helping me to see that its a weekly competition with myself... My aim is 1kg and I am stoke if I reach that, and not actually too worried if its only half a kg as it still seems like a massive achievement.
I am driven, and feel empowered to get my goal and slam it home. This is a very very big first in my life as even when I had my band initially all those years ago I never felt like this. It was never me. It was never me physically changing and doing something myself... it was the band doing it in spite of me!
Even when I was at slimmingworld the first couple of years back in 2005... I would eat shit and then wonder why I had gained. Then on weeks where I hadn't eaten so much shit, but still actually eaten shit I would lose... this just baffled me further! I didn't at any time think I had to get it together. I, me, myself, personal. It was just like I was in a bubble being bounced around by my cravings.
Since May my cravings have changed. I crave my new body like I can hardly breathe. I crave how good I will feel being able to do stuff. I crave feeling 'normal' and crave people treating me better.
I am absolutely loving the comments I am getting about losing weight. I have lost over 16kgs now and its starting to show. The first 8 or so where quite slowly won, so no one really noticed but these last 8 have come off in a matter of months and people who haven't seen me since May are like "WOW!" which is the best feeling ever.
I don't even feel like I am on a diet. Its the BEST diet in the world.
I mean look at this stuff!! this was my food the other day...
This is 1500 calories of food.
2 slices of thick white bread with 1 whole sausage of liver and bacon pate.
1 large bowl of salad with watercress, spinach, rocket, lettuce leaves, tomato, onions and avocado.
1 home made salad dressing - 1tbsp olive oil, 1 tbsp honey, 1 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 whole punnet of strawberries (350g the big punnets!) and 150mls of real full fat single cream
2 - yes 2 - Dairy Milk chocolate bars
2 or 3 gin and tonics for the evenings wind down (30ml measures)
Now, seriously does that sound diet to you? I could have had more but I was in a chocolate day so 'spent' 410 calories on chocolate. I could easily had another round of sarnies or another meal!
However... I could NOT NEVER NO HOW think I could have done this (or be doing this) without the band. I dont feel hungry at all and that is the single biggest thing to get me through.
My mother decided to give the Under BMR diet a go and she says although she has lost 6 ponds in so many weeks (and not fat anyway), she is starving all the time. She has to eat 980 a day and is struggling.
I eat 1500 a day and its a breeeeeeeze.
All I wish, and my only regret, is that I didn't cop on to this earlier. Thank You Jonathan Vernon Smith and BBC 3 Counties Radio as I seriously think you saved my life!
And of course, thank you all for sticking by me and listening to 5 years of whingeing on.
Another evening this was my dinner... Pepperoni Pizza Pie, green salad and dressing and a whole punnet of strawberries and a tub of Greek Yoghurt. My 2 shots of gin goes down a treat - even though it does sound worse switching wine for gin... (sounds like a slippery slope right?) but I have slashed my weekly alcohol units beyond belief. Instead of drinking 2 or 3 bottles of wine per week (18-27 units which is above the UK guidelines) I now how 14 or less, which is well within! Brilliant!
I hardly registered that I was in the 106's as they were gone in a flash!
How is that possible that some numbers stick around for ages, but others fly by and you can hardly remember them? Weird.
Anyway, yesterday I was 105.9kgs and today I am safely in the middle at 105.6kgs.
I really hope that they wont be around long either and I could possible be in the 104's by the end of next week.
I am super charged and so excited by the weightloss that I can hardly think of anything else, which is very very VERY good right now.
I would NEVER have bought them in a zillion years had they not been the lightest, lighter than fluffy marshmallow, comfy squidgy soled beauties that they are!!
So, they get to come with me each time I work out and I love them!
I am in good solid gym routine of Monday, Wednesday, Friday and the occasional Saturday. Its working for sure. Since I restarted the gym at the beginning of July I have been shifting a lot more fat from me carcass.
When I am on that treadmill listening to pumping tunes - personally selected for getting me going and that have kind of inspirational words in there too - I visualise myself on holiday at Xmas. I am wearing a red bikini and I don't give a SHIT!
I am just 1 stone heavier than my lowest weight ever and I can freaking smell it baby!!!!!!!!
It seemed a million miles away. I never thought it would be within reach again ever, but here it is... just 8kgs away if that.
We are not just going away at Xmas... there is a small interim goal in 7th October. Mum and Dad have paid for us to go on a 4 day break to Majorca! That's only 8 weeks away, so you never know, I could be at my lowest ever by then!! That would be so awesome.
I don't know if we will see Mum and Dad before we go, so when they next see me I will be a lot slimmer than I was! That will please them as they know I am really trying hard. I am already 3kgs lower than when I saw them last!
But I don't want to get bogged down with thinking too far ahead. Its important for me to have my future image in my head, but not to think to definitively about when that will be.
I think sometimes we focus on the end goal and its too massive to contemplate and then we get disheartened. I thank Linda (my guru) for helping me to see that its a weekly competition with myself... My aim is 1kg and I am stoke if I reach that, and not actually too worried if its only half a kg as it still seems like a massive achievement.
I am driven, and feel empowered to get my goal and slam it home. This is a very very big first in my life as even when I had my band initially all those years ago I never felt like this. It was never me. It was never me physically changing and doing something myself... it was the band doing it in spite of me!
Even when I was at slimmingworld the first couple of years back in 2005... I would eat shit and then wonder why I had gained. Then on weeks where I hadn't eaten so much shit, but still actually eaten shit I would lose... this just baffled me further! I didn't at any time think I had to get it together. I, me, myself, personal. It was just like I was in a bubble being bounced around by my cravings.
Since May my cravings have changed. I crave my new body like I can hardly breathe. I crave how good I will feel being able to do stuff. I crave feeling 'normal' and crave people treating me better.
I am absolutely loving the comments I am getting about losing weight. I have lost over 16kgs now and its starting to show. The first 8 or so where quite slowly won, so no one really noticed but these last 8 have come off in a matter of months and people who haven't seen me since May are like "WOW!" which is the best feeling ever.
I don't even feel like I am on a diet. Its the BEST diet in the world.
I mean look at this stuff!! this was my food the other day...
This is 1500 calories of food.
2 slices of thick white bread with 1 whole sausage of liver and bacon pate.
1 large bowl of salad with watercress, spinach, rocket, lettuce leaves, tomato, onions and avocado.
1 home made salad dressing - 1tbsp olive oil, 1 tbsp honey, 1 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 whole punnet of strawberries (350g the big punnets!) and 150mls of real full fat single cream
2 - yes 2 - Dairy Milk chocolate bars
2 or 3 gin and tonics for the evenings wind down (30ml measures)
Now, seriously does that sound diet to you? I could have had more but I was in a chocolate day so 'spent' 410 calories on chocolate. I could easily had another round of sarnies or another meal!
However... I could NOT NEVER NO HOW think I could have done this (or be doing this) without the band. I dont feel hungry at all and that is the single biggest thing to get me through.
My mother decided to give the Under BMR diet a go and she says although she has lost 6 ponds in so many weeks (and not fat anyway), she is starving all the time. She has to eat 980 a day and is struggling.
I eat 1500 a day and its a breeeeeeeze.
All I wish, and my only regret, is that I didn't cop on to this earlier. Thank You Jonathan Vernon Smith and BBC 3 Counties Radio as I seriously think you saved my life!
And of course, thank you all for sticking by me and listening to 5 years of whingeing on.
Another evening this was my dinner... Pepperoni Pizza Pie, green salad and dressing and a whole punnet of strawberries and a tub of Greek Yoghurt. My 2 shots of gin goes down a treat - even though it does sound worse switching wine for gin... (sounds like a slippery slope right?) but I have slashed my weekly alcohol units beyond belief. Instead of drinking 2 or 3 bottles of wine per week (18-27 units which is above the UK guidelines) I now how 14 or less, which is well within! Brilliant!
Sunday, 5 August 2012
PHOTO GALLERY FEBRUARY 2007 - PRESENT
Updated Photos from September 2016
This section has not been updated since January 2013.
I will update this Photo gallery each month. Please bear in mind that I put back on ALL my lost weight PLUS another 21lbs - 1st 7lbs - 9.5kg in the last 3 years.
These photos start with my pre "Band to RNY Bypass" shots weighing
124kgs - 273lbs - 19stone 7lbs
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| 5th September 2016 - 124kgs |
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| 25th September 2016 - 115kgs |
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| 16th October 2016 - 110kgs |
HISTORIC WEIGHT LOSS PHOTOS - 2007 to 2013
N.B - 1.10.2010 - I have decided to re-start this photolog as it did not reflect my journey at all at the present moment in time. The first photo is of my initial surgery on 14th February 2007 and the following 3 photos were taken today, 1st October 2010 - approximately 3 and a half years after then. I am currently 17 pounds heavier than I was when I had my surgery. This however marks the start of my new Journey. Thank you
15th February 2007
Day after Surgery
Weight 18 Stone (252 lbs) 114.3kgs
BELOW: 1st October 2010 | 122kgs | |
BELOW: 10th March 2011  | 116.7kgs - Down 5kgs  |  |
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BELOW: 4th August 2012 - 106.2kgs (DOWN 15kgs)
AUGUST NOTES: I am not sure I can see a difference other than the fact that the line of my knickers seems to be now covering my belly button and has gradually krept up over the it through the set of photos... this must mean that my belly is diminishing. I also think my bum looks less sticking out/back less arched so thats good too. My bra is also not cutting into my side so much and the roll of fat on my left hand side looks gone completely... although it looks like I am leaning on my right leg although I was unaware of this... My legs look a little less doughy too... I dunno. roll on the next few shots - that will be at 20kgs down - 102kgs! Note to self... DH must stand level with the dining room wall!
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BELOW: 18th January 2013 - 96.6kgs (DOWN 25kgs)
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