Check me out...

I'm a veritable little housewife:

Bread

Ahhh, home made bread.
12 oz strong white flour
12 oz strong wholemeal flour
2 tbsp organic raw cane sugar
1 tbsp sea salt
2 tbsp natural yeast
3/4pt tepid water

Throw it in the mixer for 20 mins, bung it in a large Pullman bread pan (not one of those poxy little loaf tins that are really for cakes or tea breads, but a high 5 inch sided bread tin) and let it prove for an hour. Shove in the oven for 30 minutes at 175 deg C and BINGO! The above.

Fresh Vegetable Stock

What can an MSG free wifey do without OXO?? no Knorr to gnaw on. Sweet horror!
Not at all... lets just get old Mrs. Beeton's cookbook out from 1950 and see what we can come up with. Ahh haaaaaa!!! Brown foundation sauce!
The above vegetable stock was made thus:
1 Onion, sliced WITHOUT removing the skins
1 very large carrot - (of rupturing size)
3 sticks of celery
4 sprouts (had them in the fridge, might as well thunk I)
white pepper
2 tbsp salt
tsp of parsley
tsp of sage
tsp of marjoram
tsp of dill

Boil to death for about an hour and a half, or 20 minutes in the pressure cooker, strain, shove in bottle. The result = the above. The darkness depends on the onion peel. No peel, no colour. How funky is that? Its all coming back to me. I remember wrapping eggs with onion skins and they made a swirly brown pattern when they were cooked. The more onion skins, the darker the colour... so beef gravy (add dripping from joint only to this brew) will still be brown.

Home made Baked Beans in tomato sauce

Ok, not the most visually appealing of photos, and it does look EXACTLY like what you would pour out of a can, but these baked beans are the mutts nuts. I have honestly been missing out my entire life. I BEG you to try this recipe even if you HATE beans. BEGGING YOU!!!!!

Baked beans from a tin contain yukkies and sexy additives including MSG my arch enemy. These monkeys are completely free from ALL shite.

1 x 500g packet of canellinni beans
soak overnight and then cook in pressure cooker in plain water for 10 minutes. set aside.

for the tomato sauce:
7 tbsp olive oil
1/2 onion
3 cloves garlic (whole)
2 cans organic chopped tomatoes
1 tbsp salt
200mls of stock (above) or water

Heat oil and fry onions gently until golden and see through - 4 or 5 mins
Add garlic and fry for a further 4 or 5 mins.
Add the tins of tomatoes, bring to the boil and then simmer gently for 15 mins or so. Don't let it burn, keep an eye on it and stir a lot. Add the stock & salt and bring back to the boil.

Completely blitz this mixture to death in a liquidizer or with a hand blender until completely smooth and creamy. Add all the sauce to all the beans.

This makes the equivalent of 6 cans of baked beans, but if you had to buy them in a shop would be millionaire prices as they are TO DIE FOR! Then portion them into food bags - 400g in each (a cans worth) and freeze - that's if you haven't already eaten the whole batch already!!!

Today has been good. The hypno went well, and things are ok. Have screaming PMT and a bladder and kidney scan tomorrow which I am not looking forward to, so stress levels quite high, but am managing to stay MSG free, day 4 has come to a close and I am off to bub-byes.

Evening all.

cheeky little weigh in

Ok, I needed to share this... I weighed this morning and I was 16 stone 8. that is a loss of 5 and a half pounds in 48 hours.

OH MY!

Also been peeing like a racehorse.

Feeling up for it....?

Ok, I think I am ready to give this a go, I've been in a dark place there for a few weeks. I am not going to worry about the band, how its working, not working or if it makes any goddamn difference to my life at all except for making me puke if I eat too much.

Its 2 years since my band was fixed. 2 LONG YEARS. I have got down to 15 stone 6 (216lbs) at my lightest and am now 16 stone 13.5lbs (237.5). When my band was fixed I weighed 17 stone 12 (250lbs) so I have lost the sum total of 12 and a half pounds in 2 years with my band alone - no dieting particularly, but thinking about stuff obviously. That is SHIT SHIT SHIT. I know I don't play the game, but nor do others entirely. This is not a quest for making a band work. This is a quest for losing weight in any way possible AND sorting out the underlying issue for being overweight in the first place. I started the blog with that intention 5 & half years ago. That intention has not changed. If I realised that sleeping upside down is the only way to lose weight I would try it. I cannot think about my band right now. The band is not the reason I am gaining/losing weight. Something else is driving me to overeat IN SPITE of having a band. That is the issue I must resolve if I have any chance of using my band as the tool it was designed for.

So this last week i have lowered my MSG foods a little bit, not a lot, but I certainly didn't eat the quantity of sauces this week. I felt some craving and funnily enough when I had craving I couldn't eat it because of the band! Sod's law!

I had about 3 tight days last week, had a coffee or 2 in the morning but then make a mistake like swallowing a tablet or having a sneaky bite of DS lunch that would then throw my band into "NO WAY JOSE" mode and that was that for the day.

That said, I didn't have too many pukes... only when I was being a stupid git, getting annoyed with my band and getting a bit desperate.

Like the night we went out for a dinner at Spiceland. DH runs the badminton club now because the chap who set it up was leaving, and we all did a surprise dinner for him at the curry house. Before he arrived we all ordered drinks and my orange juice was a no go on first mouthful. Have no idea why, but my band, Albert Ladysmith Steptoe, didn't want orange juice. He certainly didn't want curry either and I sat with the bowl of curry sauce in front of me for 4 hours. In the end I tried to force him, but he kicked me and I had to run to the loos for relief.

That was just gutting. I paid £18 for a buffet indian dinner and a pint of orange juice that I didnt eat any of. The most expensive meal I've never had. We were there only 2 weeks ago for a friends wedding reception and everything was hunky dory. Such a fickle cantankerous little thing is Albert.

Had a couple of days like that, but I guess it was for the best as I lost 1 pound this week in spite of myself.

So yesterday was weigh in day. I decided that I might as well start cracking the whip at this body of mine and went completely MSG free yesterday.

I had mashed potato with scrambled egg for lunch/tea and then later I had some more mashed potato with cheese for dinner. I haven't got much stuff in at the moment, so this was a bit of an odd day to say the least! I don't normally just eat mashed potato!! I was really craving my sauces. It was all I could do in the evening not to grab some pickle to go with my mash or brown sauce or ANYTHING!

Anyway, I did it. I fed the Wiltshire farm food meals to the DH & DS and Onion (Charlotte our lodger's nickname) for dinner as, although they only contain Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein - this is essentially MSG. Hydrolyzed anything contains high levels of MSG. I don't crave these meals, its mainly the highly flavoured sauces, but who knows how dark this will get.

I looked for some OXO or Stock cube substitutes. Organic thinks I. Well by law you are NOT allowed to put anything with MSG in it in an organic product. But its a bit like the stupid phrasing on labels:

No nuts (cannot guarantee nut free)
No Soya, Milk, Gluten (made in a factory that uses said products cannot guarantee free from said)

etc...

Just because its organic doesn't mean they cant use ingredients that contain MSG in it.
This from the SOIL ASSOCIATION:

Yeast and yeast extract are permitted as additives in organic foods, therefore there will be some MSG in organic foods which have added yeast, or yeast extract.

Well, that's good then. You can read the whole article here.
So you want to buy organic stock cubes? They have yeast extract in them. So you think ah ha!!! Look for yeast free!! Yeast free stock cubes have Maltodextrin! That's full of MSG too!

Now, there is NO Maltodextrin in the organic ones. that has Yeast Extract. In the Yeast free, there is no Yeast extract, but there is Maltodextrin. If they cant get it in there one way, its in there in another. Its like they WANT us to have it. Why? I have no idea. I don't want to have this blog getting all political and attacking food companies, but there must be someone out there who can produce a product that is PURE for goodness sake! Even when we TRY to do better, we fail because its side swipes us in another way.

So I have no other option but to start making my own stock. I have gone back to Fresh Whole Organic Milk - The lowest msg containing milk there is (we usually have UHT Skimmed - the highest MSG containing milk there is. No shit!), and the msg contained is naturally occurring not added or released by chemical process in some way - like Heat treating! I have gone back to pure block organic butter, fresh vegetables, brown rice (white rice is washed in some form of MSG containing ingredient before drying & bagging!), my own home made bread - which means I can actually make small rolls just for me too - organic meat that isn't full of fillers containing the shit and has breathed the same air I breath and ate the grass that I have walked on personally.

Out goes:
Mayo, malt vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, salad creme, cocktail sauce, tomato sauce, daddy/brown sauce, any other condiment sauce I love, butter/marg spreads, shop bought yoghurts, strong cheese, peanut butter, nutella, wine (unless home made), pre packaged meats, ready made meals, jars of cooking sauce for pasta or casseroles etc, some spice mixes (especially sharwoods curry blends), stock cubes, packet soup mixes, canned soup, baked beans in tomato sauce, spaghetti in tomato sauce, bovril & marmite (or vegimite), all non organic pasta, coconut milk powder, and everything that has been adulterated in some way by food technicians.

Its back to basics.

I am currently enjoying a home made curry. I used a Sri Lankan curry powder which has whole spices and no additives - thankfully, seeing as I bought 2 huge tubs of it only a few months back and weirdly have only used once, and persisted with Sharwoods (and bought more of even though I have these 2 other tubs) which has MSG and Other hydrolyzed sexy goodies!! Funny that eh?

I made it with green lentils, chopped tomatoes & onions served with a packet of steamed rice which doesn't have any weird sexed up additives. Its nice, but I feel a bit in need still.

I know some might think I use sauce to help me eat things with the band, and to a certain extent that is true. I have loved sauce for years though. My binge foods have not changed for some time and looking back through this blog over the 5 years I have written it, I can see the foods in there that I still want, and some. In fact my binge foods have been drastically reduced by the band (donuts, cakes, much bigger indian takeaway and much bigger chinese meals and other volume foods like whole chocolate cheesecakes and pies etc which I just cannot cope with now). Sauce has always factored big, and I guess the band just adds to this crime. Looking through those lush foods I used to love pre banding, they are all highly processed, high in all kinds of autolyzed this and hydrolyzed that, heavy on flavour and essentially VERY high in free MSG of some description.

I think I have cracked my demon.

Obviously its not everyone's bag, and I must admit I have never come across another condiment abuser, but there must be others out there who just love their sauce!

Its Hypnotherapy tomorrow, so I am ready to ROCK this bodies WORLD!

There has to be a logical explanation

(This is a REALLY long post. Grab a coffee and settle down for the evening!)

Right. After being a complete emotional cripple for the last few days, I decided that there just MUST be some logic to it all.

When you consider that people have walked the earth for thousands of years without being obese; that obesity as a disease is relatively new in about the last 50 years or so, and the internet has been going for at least 20, then someone somewhere must have the information I need.

I cannot begin to imagine what it must have been like before the internet, even given the fact that I have only had it for 10 years this January. What on earth did we do before? How did we find out information? Whatever those skills were, I don't remember them and haven't needed them since I had the internet.

I cannot begin to imagine how thios planet would be had the library in Alexandria not burnt down taking with it, to a vast extent, the whole intelligent worlds information. Thank goodness the internet cannot 'burn down'.

But it can feel like it when you are searching for things with no end to the information, but it not being the thing you want/need. You can start to think of yourself as unique to this problem you are facing when you return 1,285,935,959,280 google results for "food addiction", when what you want needs to be much faster and easier to solve.

I went to slimming world on Monday as you know. I spent the rest of the day looking up counseling services for drug addicts, alcoholics etc trying to find some strategies to stop me overeating. I read a pfd file on alcoholism which was really great. I could completely relate it to my food addiction and it got me to thinking about cutting out all the foods I crave and staying off them.

I can easily cut out the foods I want/crave/need/must have for about a week, but after that.. forget it! I still needed a strategy to help me cope in the long term. the article about alcoholism talked about peers and family and support at groups, and obviously the lovely people who wrote back did suggest just that... over-eaters anonymous and the like.

But this is me... right? I am not good at just telling people "I am a fuck up" face to face, and this is the only place where I do admit an awful lot of things I never would because I am semi anonymous. This IS my group therapy, if you will. I started to think of another possible solution.

do you remember than I had NLP suggestion back in the summer with that wierd woman who spoke in a really odd Yorkshire accent and whistled through her bad fitting false teeth at me (Beryl Reid's clone!) about avoiding "the hard cheeses and the fatty foods, the greasy foods" etc that I DON'T eat a lot of and I considered her a quack and the therapy a load of shite?

Well, years ago I had analytical hypnotherapy for a few horrible issues back when I was at college. This was the thing I needed as it really helped me. So I decided to have a look into it further. The NHS provide hypnotherapy on prescription in some cases, not that I was going to go to the doctor, but I thought I might try and find a therapist that worked with the NHS and privately. An NHS practitioner would have to hold certain qualifications and be, well... good!

I found three women who I felt good about. Their photo's were nice. One I didn't call because on her website she said how you needed to be careful about fakes and charlatans and you need to make sure that they have the right qualifications bla bla and that she did have these particular ones she was talking about... which, I don't know... makes me kind of think that SHE is a fake. I don't know why, but someone who tries to put me off other people for one reason or another must have an agenda... cant really explain it, but that's kind of how I felt.

So I rang the other two. One still hasnt got back to me, but Rachel did and she looked nice, my age, and her voice was nice and I felt at home. I think I couldnt take that other NLP lady seriously because she had a neckercheif, was fat, looked and spoke like Thora Hurd or Beryl Reid and her voice just totally grated each time her teeth whistled. *Shudders* I couldnt concentrate and she hadnt listened to me as she tried to put me off foods that I dont eat... kind of pointless really.

So I have an appointment - 45 minutes FREE consult on Friday. That's more professional I think. Then if I want to go ahead, I can book a session at a later date. I like that idea.

In the evening after I got back from work, I still had some wine and some chocolate and some prawn cocktail and some pickle with my dinner and DH and I tried to find out the things that I wanted to eat the most.

It is sauce. Any kind of sauce at all.

My Mum once said "Its better for me to have 2 teaspoons of sugar in my tea, than it is to give up sugar and find myself eating a packet of biscuits or cake every day". I completely understand this, and this could be my downfall. She tried to give up sugar in tea, but found it elsewhere and instead of eating 30 extra calories each cup of tea when was having tea and a slice of cake so about 300 calories. She put ON weight by giving up sugar in tea.

You cannot have sauce on its own. You cant sit down to a dish of pickle. I looked at the pig out foods I bought on Sunday, and I bought prawns - because I love the cocktail sauce! I brought smoked salmon - because I love the dill sauce. I bought Doritos - because I love the tray of dips.
I buy curry and suck the chicken or prawns and spit them out on occasion simply to eat the sauce!!!!

What new madness is this????

I think of the times I have had a few slices of cheese so that I can eat salad cream. Made mashed potato so I can eat daddy sauce (brown sauce) or pickle. Then I think of the times that the cheese/cracker/mash/Doritos is finished and I pour a little more sauce on my plate and lick it off my finger. A particular favorite of mine when I do that is sweet chili dipping sauce.

Ok, there are a few exceptions. I love chocolate minstrels and biscuits and other things, but biscuits feature much less in binges. Minstrels feature quite a bit. Doritos feature a lot as so all kinds of sauce with something. I order at least 2 or 3 curry's a week for example and when we have a Chinese, I order 2 POTS of sweet and sour sauce and pour it over a carton of seaweed and then all over some Singapore noodles or chili beef.

Ok, so I need to eliminate the following in my diet:

Salad creme
Brown sauce
sweet chili dipping sauce
cocktail sauce
tomato sauce
pickle
balsamic vinegar and olive oil
dips - salsa etc
salad dressing
curry
Chinese
Dorito's

When DH & I were considering this list I said "maybe I will find I have to stop other things too. I might find I am starting to have gravy with everything etc..."

Yesterday I began to wonder if there were any foods that food addicts clearly need to abstain from - a NO GO list if you like. I found a lot of info but the main things that cropped up were
CHEESE, MEAT, SUGAR, MILK, CHOCOLATE and often foods containing E621.

Cheese - Now, I like cheese quite a lot, but I don't have it that much in everyday (non binge) eating. I might have a few grams grated on something, but seeing as I used to love it grated on beans on toast - which I cant eat anymore with the band - or on a jacket potato - again not that often I have that - I don't eat as much as I have in the past. The only exception to this is when I have a few slices in the evening with SAUCE which has been quite common as a binge food.

Meat - well I really cant tolerate too much meat with the band, so that's limited and I have never been a big crazy fan. I could easily be vegetarian in fact and never eat meat again. Its not something I hate or love. Its just... meat.

Milk - Hmmm. I drink a lot of milk I think. I have milk in coffee and I have maybe 6 cups or more every day. I know people talk about coffee having side effects etc, and I am probably addicted but hey - coffee dont make you fat so I dont give a shit. Milk however, has a lot of empty calories at about 70 cals each cup. Its a lot of calories to use because of a drink. I dont use milk in any other way. I dont drink it as a straight drink or stuff like that. I dont think this forms part of my addiction to food, but it is in chocolate and I do have a lot of coffee... So I had to weigh it up. do I drink coffee for the coffee or the milk. well I know its for the coffee because if there is no milk in the house I still drink coffee black. So think that's put the milk issue to rest.

Sugar - Well, maybe this forms the addiction. There must be a lot of sugar in all those sauces... and chocolate certainly has a lot of sugar, but I don't add sugar to things. Being brutally honest, I think If i was addicted to sugar I would add it to coffee, tea and porridge and cereal if I have it, want cakes and biscuits and sugary foods like sweets etc a lot of the time, and this is NOT what I do or want. I cut out sugar in tea when I was 12 because I hated it, and I cut sugar in coffee about 6 years ago because if wasn't refreshing me. If someone gives me sugar by mistake (rare) I cant actually drink it as it tastes weird. I do like biscuits and cakes, who doesn't! But I don't crave them, need them or dream about them. Looking at the sauces, some don't contain sugar at all, and on most its quite a long way down the ingredients list.

So I was starting to get rather disheartened. I was not going to find anything to help me and seemingly no one had the same problem with condiments. (ha ha! A condiment complex!)

The last on the list of addictive foods, kind of like a side issue for some people it would seem was E621. I had no idea what it was. Its Mono Sodium Glutamate or MSG. I have head of it. I thought it was a salt or a nutrient or something.

Its got a recent researgnce and is called Umammi in Japanese which translates as flavouring. I was intrigued.

Well just have a look at www.msgtruth.org for MUCH more info.

40% increase in appetite
Inability to lose weight even when half starving yourself
Added to the food chain since 1940 in greater quantities - parallel with obesity rising

Its in EVERY SAUCE. Its in ALL TAKEAWAY FOODS Its in CHOCOLATE its even sprayed onto our crops, in practically every frozen, packaged, canned and processed foodstuff on earth.

Its even in skimmed milk.

Obviously you need to do some serious research on this subject because most people sensitive to MSG have proper real medical reactions like shaking, palpitations, headache, vomiting etc. I don't get any of this but every single food I crave and love is high in this shit. Its name is covered up and disguised so sometimes there is more than one ingredient in the item you are eating that has MSG in the ingredient!

I was interested to see Bouillon cubes (oxo and stock cubes) and packet soups, tinned soups, prepared meals, tinned tuna and other things I also eat very regularly that have MSG in.

I am sure there are a lot of additives out there, and they are all "safe" for the majority of consumers, but some people are sensitive to certain things. When I consider that I have tried to lose weight time and time and time again and then more something is FAT FREE, or REDUCED FAT or DIET or VITAMIN ENRICHED the more MSG in has in it. If you remove the fat, you take away flavour so they must put it back in in some way.

MSG used to be made from seaweed. Its now mainly manufactured from GENETICALLY MODIFIED BACTERIA.

Ok, I spent the day looking into this yesterday and all evening after I got home from work. I KNOW that this is my problem. I just know it is. I read the articles about Bees leaving hives near fields sprayed with Auxigro (MSG) and about the "Food addiction you never knew you had" which just makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I finally found out the common denominator of my binge foods, and I can avoid them.

Randomly, if I take a benadryl and red bull each day I can stave off the effects of any miniscule amounts of MSG I ingest by accident. Benadryl combats the histamine release from MSG and red Bull contains Taurine - Taurine is blocked out of production by high MSG doses. Taurine is required for efficent fat absorption & solubilization. Studies also showed that dietary taurine supplementation help renal disease - & I have problems with my kidneys right now don't I!!!!

For me, this is such an amazing breakthrough and by reading through the pages of many website I can see that a lot of my health problems are probably being exacerbated by this stuff.

I am going to try to eliminate MSG from my food by sticking to the following detox plan for a week and then gently return to normal and try to keep msg at low levels and see what happens.

I think that eliminating MSG and having Hypnotherapy to help my emotional state and cravings could be what I need. Its bizarre that I should be able to eat so much food and put on only a pound and then be good and lose nothing. From the studies of MSG on rats, that is just what happens to some susceptible individuals.

You just get fatter and fatter and crave foods containing it more and more. Its what makes me eat on past the stop signal. Its what makes me eat when I don't want to. Its keeping me fat.

Hey, I don't know if this really is the key to all my worries. It really does seem a bit too easy and unbelievable to be that simple. All I know is this stuff rang serious alarm bells when I read it through and all I could do was sit here feeling angry that this could be the reason why so many people are obese these days.

If food tastes good, then you buy more. Why don't the governments ban cigarettes or alcohol even though they damage peoples world? If they don't ban those, then they aren't going to stop a bit of GM bacteria that's "completely safe" to eat from being added to your tomato ketchup.

Oh, did I tell you they also put it in vaccines..?

Watch this space.

Pity Party, My House, 2pm

This is mine, you bring your own stuff!

Yeah baby, yesterdays pig out fest was huge. It was awesome in craving lustfulness and I now feel... Shit.

I have a problem. I really REALLY have mental issues.

I went out yesterday with the sole intent to buy foods. Foods for shooting up with. I spent £30 on this mess, and I felt sick afterward. I completely indulged in chocolates, prawns and wine and all that jazz and didn't really feel significantly better for it.

I bough a slush magazine and hired 5 DVD's, watch 3 of them whilst eating shite and had no one to watch me do it.

I dont want to say I needed it, but I kind of did. DH and DS were at Top Gear Live and the MPH fast car show all day, so I went to church, came home googled Ikea and thought it was a bit far, so decided to slob out. Then I realised I had about 9 hours before DH & DS got home so I went shopping for pleasure foods. I bought all of the above photo plus some other bits and bobs. I still have the biscuits and the salmon, but the rest lies in my large intestine.

I even managed to cook a roast dinner alongside watching the 3 DVDs and eating like a hog. I didn't have any roast lamb though as I felt too sick. Later on in the evening I ate a peshwari naan bread with some mango chutney. Peshwari naan is a naan bread filled with crushed almond and coconut and sugar paste and is delicious. When fresh i cannot eat it, so if you out it in the fridge for a day it goes hard and brittle. I can eat it then as it disintegrates enough to get past my band.

I went to Slimmingworld today and put on a pound. So that is 2 pounds in 2 weeks that I have gained. This is really not bad. I still cannot tell you about the stress in my last week, as I just cant go there right now, but lets just say I ate enough shite this week to gain 1 stone (14lbs) let alone 1 pound!!! stress can be a good weightloss aid sometimes, but I could do without it to be honest.

So, slimmingworld was awful. I was really trying to assess what the heck is wrong with me, and what the hell I am doing to my body and my life. I just cant work it out. I know I need some professional help but when you have a group full of crack and heroin addicts and they say how they stole to feed their habit and they lay out of it in a gutter, and then I say "yeah man, really needed some chocolate buttons so like went down the shop and ate a whole bag" it kind of doesn't really hit the same shame mark does it, although I feel EXACTLY like a crack addict right now.

I wish people could take it seriously but the minute you say you are addicted to food people immediately brush you off and go "yeah I love chocolate too" and that is NOT what I mean. I am crying out for some kind of help here.

I actually came home and filled in a 'alcoholic or not' questionaire and in my mind replaced the word 'drink' with 'Food' and it told me I was very alcohol (i.e.food) dependant!! There is no questionaire out there for food addicts and we dont get the same gravity of consideration but I am DESPERATE.

The band is good, but my head is MESSED UP. There is a woman out there with a blog called lap band for the mind. What a cool title. I need one of those. I think its called a friggin lobotomy!

I am out of control and freaking out and I seriously don't want to do this to myself.

I have to face up to this and I have this morning been doing some research into overeating, bulimia, compulsive food addiction etc.

After reading certain things about drunks, and druggies, I have decided that I need to completely eliminate the foods that I am addicted to. I know that I have a dependency on certain foods, and I have never considered it before.

I am addicted to spicy foods. I must have curry at least 2 times a week, and often 3 times. I would have it every single meal if I could but I cant afford it. I am not addicted to home made curry, but any curry bought in a jar, or from the shop I crave.

I am addicted to sauces - tomato and brown , salad creme and also pickle if I don't have that.

I am addicted to chocolate and also to a certain extent red wine.

I can do without all of these things one at a time, but I have NEVER in all my dieting years had a diet exclusive of my addictive foods.

Every time I think of a food "oooh I really fancy that" I am going to write it on a list. I will then exclude this food from my diet.

So far on my list I have :

Chocolate
Red wine
Cocktail sauce
Tomato Sauce
Salad creme
Rolo Deserts
Curry - all kinds from shops/take away
Chinese - all kinds from shops/ take away

I actually feel proper weak and freaked out just writing this. Funnily enough I feel worst about writing down salad creme, and I am not sure why because I don't use this food too much... interesting. Anyway, this HAS to be done and I must do this for my own sanity. In fact, I am amazed that these foods are my addiction foods... they aren't all that exciting are they!

I also must stress that I am not giving them all up today. I cant do that. The stress is too much and I need my drugs just for a bit longer, and I know that sounds hopelessly tragic, but I just do.

I am also going to have some analytical hypnosis done, that woman I went to back in the summer was crap so I am going to find someone right for me, maybe who is reccomended through the doctor. Once I have found someone I am going to give them my list and then start on with the plan. Maybe I will start sooner, I just don't know. I need to do this in my own time.

If I don't get this sorted, I am going to end up a bulimic binge eating fatty whether I have a band or not. The band has stopped me to some extent as I seriously haven't got any other control right now, so I am thankful for small mercies.

I want to make it clear that I do not want to do this to myself, I try and stop and cant. I am on a spiral into destruction that I cant seem to stop even if I want to, and I wish i could just lock myself up and throw away the key. Looked into the possibility and it would cost me £2K at a retreat for a week... NOT likely to be doing that.

If I ever get right in the head I might look into getting some kind of retreat that is not so expensive up and running. I would like to help people like me, but seeing as I cant even help myself I think we will start with me first.

One thing I have never done is pray about my food problems. I always think "how can it be God's will that I lose weight?" and its not. His will is completely different and running on a much grander plan than that... but then I did think "gluttony is written about in the good book, as is suicide - both of which I am committing if I don't get this under control" so maybe I could pray about it and see what happens. Worked for my smoking. I new I could never personally go back to church if I smoked. It was not caring for my body and hurtful to others, so I proper told God that if he wanted me back, then he would have to stop me smoking like a chimney... and I quit the same day and haven't had a single craving as yet - 6yrs out! Sometimes I rely too much on my own insignificant self.

I cant do this right now

This afternoons snacks: Biscuits (half a tin) and an order of Shredded chilli beef takeaway.

I am heavily using right now. I can't stop myself. I don't know what the heck is going on in my head but I just need my drug. I crave it, need it, think about it and have to use it all the time. I am a mess and I am overdosing daily right now.

There is a heap of crap going on with my life right now that I just CANT talk about any more than I already have, but I will once its resolved. I have talked the problem to death with everyone and it will not help the situation. Its just some bureaucratic jobsworth giving us a nightmare that is basically a never ending catch 22. They HAVE to back down as we cant do anything else. Until that happens, the only thing that helps me is food.

I put on 1 pound this week, and that is simply amazing considering the amount of food I have consumed.

I don't care right now. .

Chilly

Its a bit Brrrrrrrrrrr in blighty right now. Especially when you are in the caravan. this is our little cosy abode for another week. Once you are in and the world is shut out its actually quite pleasant, if a bit random to be sleeping on the front garden. HA!

Its a cute little pop up trailer in actual fact. It completely folds flat to just above the height of a bicycle, and you can tow it easily with a small car. It has a wardrobe, cooker, fridge, cupboards, lights and plug sockets and underfloor heating too. We bought it from a guy about 2 years ago for just £500!

Garage work is progressing nicely as you can see. The window is in and the plaster board has gone it. right now they are bricking up the front ready to clad the front wall. Its gonna be fabulous. Its already as warm as toast!

The caravan is just to the right in this picture so we have to sneak out at night and jump in, and then in the morning quickly hop it back cross the grass inside again before anyone sees us in our PJ's!

This is where I live! Our bedroom is the front right, Charlotte's bedroom is front left. DS's was and obviously will be in the conversion and Sue is in the back bedroom. When you go into the house you go into a porch, the stairs are behind a door in front of you, and the front room is the full length of the house. The kitchen is on the left hand side of the back of the house and through the kitchen you go to the Utility room and from there into the office, which was part of the garage originally too.

Here is a plan:

I know its not particularly interesting to anyone else, but I like to have a record. My blog is a great diary tool and I have used it lots of times to look back and find out when, what and how I did something or other.

So, back to topic... The scales seem quite positive, but obviously weigh in will be Monday. I just hope I can keep a grip until then. I am really really wanting chocolate big time and treats and things like that. I will have to have things like prawns and olives with extra garlic to try and keep me away from chocolates. Right now I REALLY want one of those big purple versions of the chocolates that you get in Quality Street. Its the BIG purple one with caramel and a hazelnut inside. Oh MAN I really want one. Thankfully I have no idea how to get my hands on one, so I am safe... for now! I love the way they tickle your throat. I must have a craving for caramel as well as chocolate because last night in tesco I succumbed to a rolo yoghurt (more of a desert than a yoghurt, but anyway) and also a piece of millionaires slice. Both have a layer of chocolate and then caramel. Must be a strange phase I am going through. I counted both on My Daily Plate so that I didn't go over the top, but this week I have been scraping the top of my allowance every single day. That's not going to be great for weightloss. Mind you, 1800 cals a day should help me lose 2 pounds a week, so as long as I stick to 1800 and NO MORE, then I will hopefully do what it says on the tin.

TTFN

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

So slimmingworld revealed the news that this week I lose 2 pounds.

I am really pleased that I have lost 2 pounds, but like I said before, I would be lying if I said i was completely happy because of yesterday saying I had lost 4. Yeah. That would have been much nicer. I was feeling really ticked off all morning, and when I got home I found out why I put on 2 pounds over night... and was ready to KILL.

Dreaded flaming curse again!

I seem to have it all the time! I just get over one bitchfest and spot covered face picking session when it seems like it was only 2 days ago I finished the last one -but yet it really was 28 days ago. Time whizzes by.

If you have periods for approximately 35 years of your life... then you have 13 a year which doesn't actually seem very many... but when you add it all up you will have had 455 of these sods. Now I think that 455 weeks out of my life is more than a bit skanky and bad. That's near as damn it 10 YEARS feeling like death for no good bloody reason.

considering we have a debilitating condition that will disable us for 10 years (ok tongue in cheek a bit), I reckon someone needs to make a charity for research into funding for Period sufferers and get some tablets to cure our moodiness and stroppiness and outright horribleness. I don't want to be an evil witch every 3 weeks that's for sure and I could sure do without any extra pain in my lower back right now thank you very much.

But no, its a fact of life and part of being a woman so instead of getting anything worth a shit from a doctor to cure PMT or PMS for good, we should learn to embrace it. PFFFTTT!

Roll on menopause. Menostop in fact! A bloody pause is no good to anyone (pardon the pun!).

Anyway, enough of chipe about something that ain't ever gonna change in the foreseeable future of the universe.

I have lost the 2 pounds that I had picked up, lost, picked up again bla bla over the last few weeks, so I am still sitting at 28 pounds lost. Grrrrr. But, because of said curse, I should find that if I sit tight and keep to what I am doing, next week should be big time great!

Today so far I have had a couple of yoghurts, some chicken noodle soup, 2 crackerbread and 2 popadums. I had my meals delivered today from Wiltshire Farm Foods, so that will be a great help. I am having my first one this evening and its 300 cals. So tonight that means that I can have some chocolate (-this is what I mean... the scientists could get their heads together and get us a patch or something to stop this bollocks! I am pretty sure it would be easy if they actually tried).

So, band is great.

Want a couple of pics of the new garage conversion done properly this time?
Back in February's posts you can see the effort hubby put in and what it looked like and how proud we were. Well it took them 2 hours to destroy EVERYTHING in that room. They had completely gutted it back to normal by 12pm when I got home from slimming. Marvelous. Anyway, its gonna be great when its done. Here you are:

This is the view from my front room... Hard to imagine Warrens whole entire decorated bedroom was here this morning.


and a horror shot from inside. They put up a couple of the old bits of chipboard we used to cover the hole where the new window will go...


and the outside shot as it was left today. This will have the window in on Wednesday, and be completely clad with uPvc ship lap fascia.

How does my body smite me?

Starting to get annoyed with my stupid body. How is it I can weigh 17 stone (238) fully clothed, in the evening the other day whilst loaded with food and drink... then weigh the next morning at 16st 11 (235) and think "yeah baby... tomorrow is going to be S K I L L!" and eat only 1200 calories of non stodgy food all day - which was the lowest calorie day of the entire week - and then I hope on this morning and its 16 stone 13 (237) a measly 1 pound difference between 6pm food loaded and 9am empty?

Does it wait and silently titter to itself and take great delight on Mondays?

I have worked really hard this week and I know in the long run its good, but for fuck's sake.

Also did loads of extra exercise yesterday as we had to move DS room out of his room and into the front room for the builders to start work. Didn't break a sweat but it was 4 solid hours of moving, clearing and rearranging.

This body of mine will seemingly always have the last laugh.

I will probably put on weight when I am dead so the coffin they fit me with at the beginning of the week is too ruddy tight on the day of my interment and they have to just fling me in the hole!

Official weigh in later... slimmingworld isn't until 10am. They go electronic at my place this week and I expect it will take the dozy fen folk a while to work out how to turn it on and stuff and then we will have to be there for about 6 hours. They are a bit odd the people in my slimmingworld class... I think I have mentioned it before, but there is practically a tangible barrier between our village and the village where we go for slimming. Its one road that separates us and about 8 miles. The air must change... a bit like James Herbert's - The Fog. There is a fen folk fog that turns everyone a bit nuts anywhere north east of where we live and they end up talking with a real yokle accent - any one with this accent over our way we just know came from that way. I have never known an area like it. We obviously have an accent to them too, but what I mean is this sudden stop of any accent. If you live in Newcastle you will have a particular accent but it sort of merges and gradually changes into a more Yorkshire accent as you come down the country, and if you travel east it gradually changes into a Wales accent, and that changes into a Liverpool accent and that changes into a Manchester accent and that changes gradually into a Brum accent and on and on and you can wander around the country like this gradually slipping accents and there is no perceptible cut off point until you come to Fenland. There is a sharp and distinct point from Fenland to all other counties around it. Its like a little island of accent. They are also a bit odd in lots of other ways too...

Anyway, this is frigging pointless talk, so I is gunna stop now.

just listen to this to get an idea of what I mean
http://www.archive.org/details/Suitcase_401

hmmm interesant

I couldn't resist...

I came downstairs 5 minutes ago (18:00) and the new spanky scales were doing that noise that angels make in heaven; that continuous harmonious "ahhhhh" that accompanies wonder, awe or insight dawning.

Yeah, ok, it was in my head but they were calling me man!

So, picture the scene: DS and his friend H are in the living room base camp made from the dog blanket, dog basket, my dining room chairs and his duvet cover (!) shrieking with delight at being on the high seas and making a pirate video... The two dogs are their able ship mates - not particularly willing - and there seems to be the scattered remains of chewed up cork stopper out of the 2p jar (which is huge and we use as a door stop) everywhere I tread. There is a spilt glass of root beer (onto that little delight later!) with the wii fit board lying perilously close to its Armageddon (jumping dogs and rootbeer explosion in this case), the sofas don't seem to have cushions, and everything has gone to heck in a hand basket.

I am about to lose my mind when I hear the "AHHHHHHhhhhhhh" of the scale angel.

Its 6pm. I am fully clothed. Fully loaded with the days food so far, and also drinks etc. I am also holding the phone. A quick double check that the coast is clear and I hop on baby!

17 stone exactly (238lbs)

WOWOWOWOWOWOW

This is most timely news, and most fantabulous. Seeing as this was my weight last Monday morning at slimmingworld... I must therefore have lost lard! So, sans food/drinks on Monday morning will be a very interesting little result to broadcast on my return.

YES!

Oh yeah, and if you live in the UK and HATE not being able to get root beer (other than poncy sugar laden swank bottles from random herbal shops that cost a couple of quid - each!) then head down to Sainsbury's for a bottle of Carter's semi diet root beer. I say 'semi-diet' because it still has sugar in it, but its quite low and you can drink a lot without it amounting to a crisis. Its only 67p - yes, that's right - SIXTY-SEVEN PENCE for 2 LITRES!! Now that's what I call a result - hence I am not crazy mad at the sheer waste of rootbeer on the floor in my front room from the extroverted and rather highly charged pirates.

Oh, and I have tiles throughout. Clever huh? *cheeky wink*

Wot?

Surely this cannot be right.

This is where I need a COPY AND PASTE tool on this stupid blog thingy!

So now I have to keep minimising, reading the other page, and then maximising and typing it in here. GRRRR. (And no one tell me there is a new version of windows now either as I KNOW that you can have 2 screens open simultaneously side by side. I know. I don't have windows 7. double GRRrrrr)

There is the bloke who claims the following:

Weightloss counselor and physician Dr. Micheal Dansinger says "One could drop as much as 20 pounds in a week following a very ambitious eating and exercise plan, devoting more than 7 hours per week to vigorous exercise."

I am pretty sure that's not possible unless you weigh 400lbs to start with and starve yourself and flog your body to death at the same time.

Sounds hardcore.

anyway, things are going ok with the band right now. I am loving having the daily plate thing on board again. I can waste hours of my life on the computer. Oh, i do! Ha!

So far today I have had a few olives throughout the morning and for lunch I made scrambled egg (again!!) with 1 egg and sloppy, and half a can of baked beans in tomato sauce. It was nice. I think egg on its own just doesn't get chewed well enough before you have to swallow... its not the right consistency in the first place is it. So a little bit of egg, then a few beans and things went great.

I am enjoying the shakes still, but trying to get into some kind of pattern where I don't necessarily have to have a shake for lunch as well as breakfast. Will be nicer in the lifestyle type of thing, and also on the wallet!

I have managed to have a solid lunch, go slowly and chew to death every lunch this week since Wednesday and had no major problems. Long may it continue.

I have changed my eating around a bit... had a few too many glasses of wine this week as we have a box in the cupboard that holds several litres and its just too easy and tempting. Its all gone now, so no more. I am just not going to buy any. DH is not going to have any more beer either as its such empty calories, and I really want to keep on track.

Looking forward to seeing what Monday brings - weight wise but also building wise.

Builders start Monday! YAYAYAY!!!!

Cant wait. Means 2 weeks sleeping in a caravan, but hey!

The daily plate slash livestrong blaat

This is a post all about The daily Plate, now known as Livestrong.
I Had a few interesting emails from people, so thought I would write down what I know, or what is given to me by livestrong and therefore know!

according to their charts a person who is about 238lbs (moi!) and wants to lose 2 pounds a week (or more please) can eat the following:

1833 cals
they should get this from and NOT EXCEED the following MAX daily allowances (100%)
60g of fat
274g carbohydrates
45g protein

If you look on the previous post next to each item it has a percentage. This shows that I at X% of my daily allowance in that nutritional group.

If I eat within the above proportions, I will achieve weightloss.

As I lose weight, the calorie allowance gets lower, and the nutritional allowances will change, but will still be roughly 15%fat, 12%protein and 74% carbs. There are also other important elements in the diet like fibre, and Livestrong does chart these too, but I couldn't be bothered to go to all that effort.

As you eat through the day, you chart each food. You type into your plate the food you ate - for instance today I had some pate. I type in "Tesco Liver and bacon pate" and there it is. I click and add it to my plate and type in how many portions of it I have eaten.

It can be a little pesky, because you might have measured in grams, but the person who listed the item might have listed it as oz without a conversion, or they could have listed a portion as 100g, and you only had 20g. Both of these is easily remedied. A simple gram to oz conversion sorts the first, and with the second is a little harder.

When you add a food to your plate, it automatically puts *1* portion on your plate. If 1 portion was 100g, and you only had 20g, then you had 0.2 of a portion. So that's what you do. You change the 1, to a 0.2 and then it will log it perfectly for you.

"What if I make a lasagna?" I hear you cry... well that's cool too. You either log each individual item in the meal and how much you had of each (1 onion in dish, 4 people served, so I had 0.25 of a portion bla bla) or you 'Make a Meal'. If its something you often make, then the best thing is to create a new meal by adding all the ingredients in the programme, and then saving it.

If you add this to your plate it will also add the WHOLE thing as a portion, so again here you must be careful. If the dish serves 4, then when you add it to your plate you must change the portion to 0.25 if it served 10 people, then you change it to 0.1 of a portion.

If you honestly cannot be bothered, then just manually add the calories.

I wish I could cut and paste to blogger because it would be so much easier. Its a real fag not being able to do that. What I might try is a screen shot and show you what I see, but it will be so small I am not sure how it will turn out.

Basically Livestrong (or the daily plate as it used to be called) is a great tool for helping me keep track. I can see when I eat too much fat, see when I nail my protein target and also if I am drinking enough water. Its also great as it charts your weight on a graph and also give you access to loads of (sometimes obscure) daily exercises that it calculates how much you have burned off. It takes into account your weight and calculates that for example doing the following :

Sailing on ice (?) or water (competitive) for 1 hr would burn 540 cals

Reclining - talking, writing or reading burns 108 cals per hour

Sanding floors with a power sander burns 486 per hour

Sex (vigorous) burns a measly 171 per hour. (per hour? HA!)

I think I will plump for reclining and chatting - less like hard work! So its a useful tool to have when you might think you have blown your days allowance, you can add these activities to your daily plate and get a Net calorie count. I always set my activity level to naff all so that I can track things when I do them. So if I take the dog for a half hour walk, I can track it because I set my level to sedentary (lying of bed eating chocolates mode!) and don't feel like I might be cheating or counting something twice if you know what I mean.

I would recommend it as after all it is FREE, and if you do upgrade, its only £25 a year which is nothing. Upgrading unlocks some useful features and allows you to look back over time and stuff which I think is useful, but its perfectly workable free to be fair.

Nutrition | LIVESTRONG.COM

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: Everything you ate on October 28th, 2009

Calories 1528 Calories from Fat 318
% Daily Value *
Total Fat 35.89g 55%
Saturated Fat 10.66g 53%
Sodium 825.5mg 34%
Potassium 0.23mg 0%
Total Carbohydrate 122.8g 41%
Dietary Fiber 5.8g 23%
Sugars 59.9g
Protein 103.77g 208%"

Feeling fab fab fab

Oh what a difference 24 hours makes.

Took the first tablet that the doctor prescribed me yesterday evening and I feel bosh! She gave me Detrusitol XL. What a name. The active ingredient in the wonder drug is tolterodine tartrate. I have never ever heard of that before in my life, and it is a serious mouthful, but worth it.

These little blue wonder pills were given to make my bladder less "twitchy" - Mrs Doc said. She was right. I ain't been "twitchy" all day, and no pain or anything. They are prescribed for people who either can't control their bladder or pee many many times a day to help relieve the sensitive bladder. They make the bladder less sensitive. Well, they are the business and I love them.

I am now wondering if there is any point in getting my pee pee opening violated after all? I guess there is because it could be something grim I guess.

Well talking of all things grim, I also have got to have a smear test tomorrow. Yay. Can't wait. been putting it off for about 25 years, so should go. ewwwww. Hate it. Its not the actual 'doing' of the test, its the fact someone is having a gander up your chuff. With a lamp on it. Why does that metal thing have to be cold too??? Is that really necessary? I am sure they could pop it on the radiator for a bit beforehand. *shudders*

Anyway, don't want to think about that until I'm on the couch.

Today was great. We met up with our old mates we met on a French holiday when DS was only 3 or 4. It was a really good laugh. Even though we haven't seen each other now for about 4 years it really didn't feel like it. We chatted away, and I am hoarse from laughing and shrieking with them. We shall call them A (dad),B (mum), M (daur 1) and S (daur 2).

A had a RNY bypass 7 months ago and had lost 7 and a half stone. He looks amazing. He had type 2 diabetes, had a BMI of over 50 and now has lost so much weight his diabetes has gone already! It was really cool to know someone in real life who has had weightloss surgery... but not just know them, really know them personally and know their battle with weight for a long time too. He had his done on the NHS and has followup care for 5 years. That's amazing. He goes to his village doctors surgery for his 3 monthly B12 injections and back to the hospital for check ups. Its just unreal. It makes me feel really annoyed at the lack of aftercare Bunk mate and I had after our surgery, and how far we have to travel all the time, but to be honest, more than anything else he inspired me.

We both have this tool, and yes he has lost loads so far, but we both seem to suffer the same problems. Eat too fast and it comes back again. Chew all our food to death. Eat small portions. Don't drink with meals. Sip drinks etc.

What I noticed is that he can eat more than I can - which I really wasn't expecting, and that includes eggs, toast, bread rolls, pasta etc (but not spaghetti!) all of which I have given up on! But when you weigh it up he has malabsorbtion to compensate the extra food intake. I just have lack of volume. So both ways I think will deliver the same nutrients. Take for example today's food whilst they were with us:

Him:
Snack: 2 slices of toast and butter
lunch: Chicken livers on salad (starter)
2 cups of coffee
2 J2O juice drinks

Me:
snack: protein shake
lunch: Chicken livers on salad (starter)
4 cups of coffee
2 glasses wine

This works out to be exactly the same amount of calories... but he has malabsorbtion to help further.

take DH's food whilst they were here:
DH:
snack: 2 fried eggs on fried bread and 3 rashers bacon
dinner: 1/2 pound Burger in bun and chips
8 jaffa cakes
3 cups of tea and 3 pints of beer.

When I weigh it up, we are both going to get to our goal, and DH is going to die of a heart attack the way he is going! No, I jest - he doesn't have a lot of this stuff usually. Wednesday is definitely a treat day for him and usually involves fried eggs of some variety for brekkie. We don't usually go out for lunch though, so the rest is a bit random.

I left some of my chicken livers on the plate, whereas A ate all his. But where he has quantity control & malabsorbtion to help him, I just have quantity control. These are good tools. We just need to use then correctly. This must be why they say after 5 years we should have the same result, but RNY just happens quicker in the first year or so. Very interesting, and makes me feel SO much better about the band funnily enough. I am not looking at the RNY with covetousness so much now. Thats a really great thing for me.

Its great to see him looking so amazing and I am really pleased he has done it. Its also spurred me on so much, that really I have to look at my weight journey as little bitty steps.

Being really to the point, I have only had proper restriction since my last fill. I am not going to see miracles in 2 months, but I have lost weight. Just gotta keep on plugging!

For dinner this evening I had fish fingers and peas. Fish fingers are probably not the best choice, but I like them and they are protein. So another day's sunshine goes down and I have kept to plan.

trying to think what calories I could have ingested...
shake 200
chicken livers...?
2 glasses red 400
fish fingers...?
peas...?

not too much. cool.

Ok, I thought this was a bit lame to write "not too much" and not really know, so I have now re-opened my account with what was called The Daily Plate but is not called LIVESTRONG and its great.

To lose weight of about 2 pounds per week, I need to eat 1800 calories or less each day. Todays calorie intake was 1528, and my protein was over 100 grams! Cool

funny day

Had a funny day really. My band decided not to allow liquids again after about midday, which was a bit of a pain in the rectum, seeing as I didn't get my breakfast shake down this morning as I forgot to drink it. But, I am still here and a few less calories are hardly going to hurt! Hee Heee.

The builder came around and measured up and checked where I wanted the plugs and stuff like that, its all going to be plastered too which will be great - I didn't know that before, so it will be super dupa!

then I went to the doc again, and said it was excruciating, and to be honest she didn't muck about. she got me on the couch and gave me a quick *grimace* internal exam to check I didn't have a large ovary or any kind of prolapse etc and then basically said we couldn't wait for the scan to come through, and referred me to a Urologist for a urethrascopy (or whatever its called/spelt) Apparently I will be put to sleep and then they shove a camera up my nether regions (trying not to imagine how something relatively large can go through and up inside a pin hole opening as making me feel a little odd).

So that's good news. I think...

Then booked our holiday for the winter in France. On 25th December we leave Blighty via the tunnel and come home on 29th December by ferry. Its cheaper that way! This year we are renting a gite in Brittany. Its about 5 hours from Calais and we are going to try and have a look at the Bayeux Tapestry, see Mont St. Michel and have a gander at the largest castle in Europe.
Yeah, either that or just get drunk and eat cheese and moule frite for 4 days.

Just done a tesco shop for a few bits and am horrified that I spent £120. Not possible as I only wanted juice and cat food. They now how to sell these places!

Gonna watch Neighbours now. I keep persevering with it, but it just isn't that good. I love Home and Away, and just wish Neighbour's was the same. Its all a bit too fake, but its mindless and I don't care too much.

Also bought 5 pairs of shoes and a bottle of expensive perfume which has really brightened things up a bit! 1 pair of suede ballerina's from eBay, 1 pair of big bow tie ballerina's from Hush Puppies, 1 pair of penny loafers in navy and claret & 1 pair of loafers with a bar and chain on the front in Tan leather from DB Shoe's and then today a pair of K Moss penny loafers in black from the US via eBay US.

The perfume is Tocade by Rochas. Its LUSH

Findings

Can't remember if I told you, think I did, that they didn't find any bugs in my sample at the doctor the other day. I am in agony today. I feel like such rubbish that all I want to do is curl up somewhere, but there is no escaping the pain. It just feels awful... ALL the time.

Its just constant. It wears you out and brings you down and I just feel like comforting myself with nice yummy treats.

I booked another appointment at the quacks in about 2 hours time. I am going to show her something I found on the internet.

Interestingly enough, it was about Interstitial Cystitis & Painful Bladder Syndrome (IC/PBS), and got me thinking. I am fed up with doing leg work for doctors, but no one ever looks back through your notes and comes up with an idea. Only WE seemingly know our history and it all kind of clicked into place when I read this item.

I suffered with this horror daily for a few years after becoming sexually active. It went on and on and on an on and I saw the doctor loads of time. Diagnosed with irritable bowel, given different drugs, had numerous tests, but a 17/18 year old has little love of having a male doctor frequently look into her inner parts and more often than not I would just grin and bear it and hope for a miracle. It kind of stopped when I was about 19 and I put it down to being unstressed. I had finished college, settle down and was having a brief harmonious period in my life and also had my first pregnancy. I was pregnant on and off for the next 3 years, losing 6 babies at varying terms, but thankfully culminating in my 1 beautifully bonny baby boy at the tender age of 22.

I had no problems with this horrendous pain in all that time. I forgot about it and never thought it would return. I suffered terribly with postnatal baby blues, and was prescribed antidepressants. My depression seemed to change from just being postnatal, to regular clinical depression and I was on (and for the odd couple of months off) antidepressants until last August 2008.

Looking through my calendar it was about November I started to get cystitis again. I thought it must be the stress of my Dad's operation and put it down to that. But the repeat attacks have got worse and worse until, like now, I can't stand it any more.

In the article I read, it said that IC/PBS patients can alleviate pain with Aspirin and Ibuprofen or Diclofenac (volterol). I can take NONE of these because of the band obviously, and I know that paracetamol and codeine don't really cut it to be quite honest. They also wrote that patients often have relief of symptoms from taking Antidepressants or antihistamines. Patients also often have remission during pregnancy.

Now isn't that funny? All the time I have been free from this hell, I have either been preggers, or on antidepressants! Now I am not taking them, and haven't taken then for a long time, the problem is TERRIBLE.

So I am going to ask her whether it might be a good idea to resume antidepressants and see if it works. I have 28 tablets from my last course already in my draw which are still in date and I will take even if she says no. At least after a month I will know if it helped, or not, and if it did will have much stronger argument for taking them again.

I just kind of know that this is the answer. I know antihistamines don't help me with it as I take them quite often anyway for allergies and I still have the HELL PAIN.

So, off to drink another gallon drum of water, and clean my house in preparation for my friends coming over, a fellow bariatric mate who 6 months ago had RNY Bypass surgery and has already lost *gulp*

8 stone (112lbs)

Wish I had had that surgery... I would be done by now. rats.

Never mind, I have a tool, so I am just going to use it and keep on plugging. I have lamb stew and green beans last night - nice and low in carbs. I gave everyone else potato swirls with theirs, but I resisted! Hee hee

Shake it up

So this was dinner the other night. I was looking for parsnip recipes as I had a couple in the fridge that needed using. Its honey & mustard chicken with parsnip and mashed potato. It was seriously scrumptious.

But this is why I need to shake it up a little. There was no movement on the scales again this week, and I think its because of the combinations of food I am eating.

If I am eating a seriously high protein diet with the shakes, and then eating carbs, I am not going to lose weight. I need to lose the carbs from my meals. So the above dish would have been much better for me with double the amount of chicken stew and no potato.

I spoke to the Slimmingworld consultant today about it, and we agreed that if you are on the red/original plan, you are eating a lot of protein and veggies with very limited or controlled carbs. If you are on the green plan, you are eating mainly carbs, low fat and limited protein.

The yellow plan (xtra easy) is a mixture of both but with the emphasis on vegetables making up 2/3rds of the meal and of course, low in fat.

Well, if I am drinking protein shakes with low carbs & low fat... I think that maybe I should be following the red plan... what do you think?

Well, I am going to give it a go anyway. I am going to try and go RED this week and see if it makes any difference. Food combining is quite a tricky thing, but it does make sense if you think about it. I think I am basically just balancing myself out if I eat lots of protein and lots of carbs.

Also, gonna cut the crappy bits of nibbling out which can't be helping - being seriously realistic, it's not the reason I am not losing weight - but just not helping any. So I am going to record my food again, photo it and log it and see what happens to the scales this week.

Brighter...

Seriously, how can I stay mad for long when I have a son as crazy as this? And no, he didn't have ANY clothes on at all! In winter! Madness.

Thanks for you lovely comments. Believe it or not they did help, just knowing someone could empathise and not offer a solution. There is no solution to this other than just keep on keeping on.

Today has definitely been better. I have had my protein shakes and also some home made watercress soup and everything is flowing freely just as it should do. Not feeling hungry, just like I shouldn't do. Able to take my meds, and feeling brighter all round just like things should be.

Yummy watercress soup recipe:

3 veg stock cubes
4 cloves garlic rough chopped
1.5litres water
pinch salt
1/2tsp pepper
pinch nutmeg
1 Boquet Garni
1 large bag watercress

Boil all the ingredients for about 30 minutes until garlic is soft and
then put in the watercress. cook for a further 5 mins and then serve. Grate some
cheese ontop for lusciousness.

Yesterday evening, I managed to get some macaroni and cheese down which was amazing. its like the band suddenly goes "Ok, lets let her have something to eat now. She has suffered enough". And to answer Caroline, yes, I do have to pay for fills. If I have half a ml out it costs £100, and I don't need fluid out. I honestly don't. Its just sometimes when I don't think right, and go in like a bull in a china shop I end up tighter than a DA. I should just keep by band head on and not forget. Easier said than done though right?

Amazing Macaroni cheese recipe:

macaroni, fried onions, cheese sauce all mixed together and then just before you bung it in the oven dish, mix in 1 packet of Paxo (turkey/chicken stuffing dry packet mix) and then put it in the oven dish, grate cheese over and grill.

UN BELIEVABLY YUMMY even though most of you probably can't eat much of it, its great, easy and cheap for the rest of the family.

So 7.5mls is honestly I think perfect for me. I am not eating much, not hungry and only occasionally have trouble. I have had a trouble free 6 weeks since my last fill. I have lost 7 pounds in that time too. I must look at the bigger picture. I need to give it a positive swing. The last 2 days were just a blip. Next time this happens I will remember this and just weather the storm and go for fluids. I made a jump reaction last January when this happened and I was wide open afterwards and gained quickly. I just need to adjust to the band and get on with it.

Today, TB came over and we booked their flights to China to see her son. I am not going with them which is a bit of a shame as its somewhere I would love to go, but thanks to Nosy Neighbour I have to buy a garage conversion instead of trips abroad. Rubbish. She is really nervous about it as its a really long flight to a bit of the world that's not a normal destination and knows its gonna be a culture shock. Just booking it will help her as she has been fretting for weeks knowing she should go, but just couldn't bring herself to book the thing, and now its done. I am sure she is going to have an amazing time. Not jealous at all!

TB's DH also laid the pipe work for the radiator in the new room. I am glad that's done so that it's one less job to think about for the moment. The builder is going to start work on the conversion on 2nd November... not long now.

I have just realised that I am coming up to my 2 year band-redo-iversary. Maybe this is something I can think about in a positive way and try and think... this IS the year I am going to do this thing now. I am tight, eating less, found protein drinks and am ready to burn some fat.

Lets go.

Kick Ass Rant

Sorry this post contains cussing. Don't usually swear but its how I was feeling. There are worse words that shit... like War.

I am in a bit of a pickle right now. Physically - I am sure its nothing to worry overly about, but I need to manage the situation carefully from a kind of 'out of body' standpoint. Mentally - more of a torture.

Yesterday, as you know, I had nothing to eat all day.

I need to go into this further, so bear with me. I need to do this so that if possible I can stop scaring the be-wotsit out of myself.

I got up at 9:30. I took a coffee into the stakeout caravan. I drank it all.

I did the Clint Eastwood with the DHL man, and then came inside to clean my grottsville house.

After cleaning enough space in the kitchen to see the worktops, I then cooked eggs in 3 different ways for the family. I sat down with another coffee and my scrambled eggs. I was struggling with the coffee a little bit, and kind of waiting and willing it to go down so I could eat.

I had about 3 or 4 teaspoons of scrambled eggs, and knew that it was going to come back. It did.
I could not drink my coffee at the cinema, and it was cold by the time I got home. I microwaved it and was able to get most of it down once home.

Then the fatal popcorn. I had 1 piece, and it gave me that 'no way feeling' and barfed.
later on a few more pieces of popcorn, and a bit more barf.

Then I swilled 2 cold coffees down the sink, because although I wasn't really thinking about it, I obviously couldn't drink them. I love coffee, so its not something that hangs about for any length of time unless I cant drink it.

Then yesterday evening, had some gravy, tried some mashed swede, no go. Barf again. Then over the course of the evening I had another vomit, and another one.

Tried some more coffee, barf. Tasted an olive en-route to the sofa for a bit of telly... nope. Glass of wine stayed in the glass - less one sip down the plughole with the olive.

Tried again much later to do never fail 'sip a minute' and IT DIDN'T WORK. Started to get worried. Looked incessantly at blogs about banding and success stories on YouTube of people losing loads, and trying not to look at that doctor promoting himself converting LB into RNY's for the patients it didn't work for (and trying not to put myself in that category), and looking for some inner peace and inspiration.

I tried sip a minute again with a little success, then had an attack of something I haven't had for a long time... the drools. I haven't had my head over the sink with my mouth running water for a loooooong time. The last time was maybe over 18months ago or more. My cheeks felt tight and sour and you just feel like you want to chuck, but you don't and all this saliva just runs and runs and runs out of your mouth. And then barf.

It was 1:30am and DH and I were tired so we went to bed. He suggested trying again in bed, so I took a jug of hot water with lemon in it, to maybe cut through the mucus etc. A few sips - 3 minutes or 4 - I was puking back into the cup.

I was sick maybe 10 times that day.

I think I managed to keep down about 8 ounces of fluid in total (stakeout caravan coffee and cinema coffee - eventually) and no food.

So we lay down and I was getting a little bit of acid in my throat. I hasten to state that this was not heartburn, or acid reflux... it was a result of drinking and then puking lemon juice infused water.

I lay there with hubby gently slipping into dreamland and snoredom and just couldn't stay. I got up and came downstairs and started up YouTube and blogspot again. I read several peoples blogs from the beginning, and kind of wished that they had kept going as some of the posts were months old. A lot of the ones that were current were only maybe 5 or 6 month old blogs anyway. I didn't find any old timers that I didn't know about or anyone who has gone through similar shit, but there was some interesting stuff. Blogs are great as they give the good AND the bad.

Now, in this blog I keep it real. I have had/am having a hard time with my band. Like I have said before, Albert Ladysmith Steptoe and I do NOT get along a lot of the time, we kind of have to exist with each other. I have had a few months now where we have actually been having a second honeymoon, and right now I feel that its over, and I would even consider separation & divorce, if the legal fees weren't going to be so high and him get half my share of the sanity? I dont think so.

I read through loads of blogs, looked at loads of YouTube videos of people amazing journeys and how wonderful they have done. Some are 3 years out of surgery and lots 120lbs. Some are 18 months and lost 60lbs, some are 7 or 8 years down the track and have just had plastic surgery etc.

Did it inspire me? Honestly? No.

No it did not.

Why didn't it inspire me? I really don't know. I wanted inspiration, I wanted to 'get charged' get pumped up and feel better when I was having a shitty day and naff all to drink and feeling like crap-O and knowing that I was gonna burn like hellfire when I went to the bog because of the urine infection + having NO DRINKS all day! I was kind of wincing in advance just thinking about it. I needed a boost; needed to feel like this was all worth it. I was practically begging.

I looked at all these beautiful women, who's bands did them the power of good and they lost steadily and evidently just ate less, kind of healthy but with more than enough treats by the look of things and are now at their dream weights.

I just thought "You fuckers".

That is the honest truth. I begrudged them every single pound, I felt myself feel real anger at them. I felt cheated that my band has not been anything near what they had. I felt conspiracy theory-ish. They have just shammed this up so they can con us out of money at the cruel expense of our mental state.

I felt jealous and disbelieving of their so called weight loss. I found myself looking at them and thinking 'well you lost weight but your still ugly' kinds of things. I felt bitter, twisted and hateful and spiteful and just like the nastiest person on earth. I hated them and I hated myself.

Then I knew what it was. It was shame. I was ashamed. I should have felt ashamed about the way I was feeling about those YouTuber's but it was a much more deep rooted, personal shame that I am going to try to unlock right here.

I felt ashamed of myself. Or should that be I FEEL shame, present tense. I am ashamed that I couldn't get it right. I am ashamed that I overeat. I am ashamed that I just can't control myself. I am ashamed that everything I try ends up going to shit. I feel like the people at the side of the road after a car crash with all the rubber-neckers gawping at me and my fat. I want to hide. I wish I had never told anyone about this band and then I wouldn't have to excuse myself, or explain myself or have them watching me. Most have given up to be fair. There was such excitement at the first part of the journey, and now its just like they have given up on me. Like the kid left out of the party because their cool toy novelty value has worn thin.

If I had this surgery again, I would not tell a soul except for DH. I wouldn't tell my Mum, or my family. I wouldn't tell friends, I wouldn't tell anyone. I would make up a surgery - kidney stones, diverticulitis, an operation on my bowel of some sort for a blockage most likely. Then I would just get on with it. Why?

What is worse than being fat?

Telling people you had lapband surgery, and thereby admitting you are fat and cant control yourself by normal means, and 2 years after the event still be the same weight. That is worse than just being fat and getting on with your fat life.

Telling people I had a lapband was THE hardest thing. It was a mixture of elation and shame. I was ashamed that it had come to this - but elated that I was able to take my life back. But at the end of the day I was still admitting something EXTREMELY personal, and talking about a taboo subject that people just don't talk about. People never spoke to ME about my overweight bulk before I had the band. What they said to each other is no issue. What I dont know can't hurt me. Now they feel its a topic for open debate. Its so HUMILIATING

I am sure some people wonder if I really did have surgery. People always ask me about my weight - loss or gain - because I have had surgery. Also, its always in the negative because they don't understand - e.g.:

Picture the scene: chatting after a meeting with several people I don't know, but might want to get to know, in
attendance (so therefore actually care about my appearance).

Someone will undoubtably say:

"Yeah, well Bunny had weightloss surgery, but it didn't work, did it Bunny?"

and then all eyes on the fat bird. Check that lard ass out. Big tits... that a + possibly, but look at that huge bum - you could park a pie platter on it! Hell yeah she really needed surgery poor bastard.

They never mentioned it before, attention was never drawn to my weight in such a hostile and uncontrolled manner. Telling people means it crossed some kind of invisible barrier; it means its now ok to discuss the embarrassment of the fat girl in front of her peers like a clinical case.

Its easier to be fat and imagine people are looking at you, as opposed to being fat and having everyone expect you to shrink before their eyes, and NOT shrink and the fucking discuss it in front of you.

whats worse is:

"you should try the new Bla diet. It worked for So&So and she lost loads of weight." "So what went wrong, why didn't you lose?" "what about weightwatchers?" "You just need to eat less and
exercise more and it will drop off" "How did you do this week?" "have you thought about cutting down your portion sizes?" "Well, you always wear such nice clothes it doesn't notice that you are overweight" "Shall we all go out for a meal?" "Can't you just get it taken out and go back to normal."

When you want to lose weight and you don't... it sucks. When you have other people watching your failure its just so horrible.

What I hated about those video's was that I assume these people didn't go through this horrendous humiliation. They had the band, 6 months later whippets. Grand. Done. Bosh. No need to feel shame when you succeed. I am being publicly humiliated because I told them I had a band, I am now fair game to talk about, and failed aswell. Excellent conversation.

Maybe I should tell them I DON'T have one anymore as it didn't work, and just stop this endless cycle of hurt and shame. Mind you, I think the damage is done now. Then it will be a case of endless questions about how it didn't work, and I will be a pin up girl for 'don't bother with surgery' just eat less.

Just F'ing eat less. That has to be the worst put down I have ever heard in my life.

There was a woman a few months back on the news who suffered loads of abuse from her neighbours from hell. She was of German abstraction and had been living here for years and years. One day the neighbour yells "Schweinhund!". This means Pig-dog. A rather innocuous phrase that's kind of amusing because its such a crap put down in English. In German, this is a really horrible insult. Whatever. when some says "Just eat less and exercise and the weight will just drop off!" That is an innocuous phrase, but as bad an insult to me as schweinhund to a German.

I have a serious eating disorder and I am struggling to get a grip of myself. I don't need some stupid wanky do-gooder telling me the bleeding friggin' obvious. I am not fat because I am an ignorant neanderthal slob with no education and no knowledge of nutrition. In fact I bet that I could give that Gillian McKeith a serious run for her money on knowledge of nutrition, supplements and all things health - and while I am at it, what a bad advert for healthy living she is if you can be so ugly, pale, wan and wrinkled IMHO

Its like a person at a funeral trying to comfort the grieving next of kin by saying "He was a lovely chap" - of course he was. That's why he's flaming crying and upset that he has departed. No fucking shit Sherlock!

So after a massive Fear and Loathing in Bunny's Warren last night, and feeling proper pissed off and annoyed and hateful and half starved - thank goodness the knives weren't on display or home DIY surgery could have been seriously on the cards - I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. A good 2 and half hours since I had last tried to drink.

I got a glass of water and have a sip. waited for 2 minutes. had a sip. waited for 2 minutes. had a sip. waited for 2 minutes. let the cat out because it has suddenly refused to use the cat flap. lost my counting. had a sip. waited 1 minute. had a sip. waited 1 minute. realised there was no restriction to the water and upped the time to 20 seconds. sip.20 secs.sip.20 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs. sip. sip. sip. glug. sip. glug YES! refilled glass and drank normally like a human being. Then made (very quietly) a milkshake that still had bits in because i couldn't use the blender thingy, and that went down too.

Thank goodness.

I then had a look at some footage of X-ray fills. It was pretty good. too much waffle if you ask me, but good footage. I realised I didn't know much about how the fluid flows. To be honest, I don't think i am particularly any the wiser, but at least I kind of have an idea of what happens now.

I think a combination of annoyance, lack of sustenance and not having any kind of support from my surgery provider at all, and knowing that these people had the same surgery as I did, after i did, but with the support of doctors they could see regularly, and a lot of interaction with other lapbanders or networks or at the very least access to regular check ups helped them, and I just felt "why me".

Reassessing the situation from yesterday, when I hated those people for getting what I wanted, and getting something that has evaded my clutches for so long, I think that is basically it. I have been cheated, but now its down to me. I need to get OVER myself and get on with the job. Quit moaning, quit procrastinating, quit pity and shame and just give them the bird.

So I went to bed after having some kind of nutrition and a drink.

This morning, guess what. I can't drink. I tried some black coffee, and its not happening. I threw it back and got rid of it. That was about 12pm.

I have resorted to the worst thing, not proud but I am desperate. I still have my antibiotics to get down me remember, and I haven't been able to be regular with the doses because of yesterdays barf-fest. I NEED to take my antibiotic for this morning, and haven't been able to, so I have done the cardinal sin and taken an aspirin.

I haven't done it much, but when it gets too tight, I need something to loosen things. Paracetamol, which is safe for bandsters does not relief the stomach swelling. I do not advise it in anyway, but if desperate, then its something I have done, and haven't noticed any problems. With NSAID's you run the risk of bleeding of the stomach, or ulcers in normal life, but with a band, you risk erosion. I am frightened about using them, but sometimes no other drug will work and i seriously need to take on water for my infection so I don't burn my urethra right out and piss myself to death.

So, I am going to have something to drink and am resorting to liquids for 3 days again to settle this shit down a bit.

Sorry for such a rant, and being such an arsehole. I apologise for being horrid straight up. I am over it now.

I have to remember to Fight when I am super tight.
:o)

So today, i have managed about 400mls water and 2 slurps of Protein shake. I stopped there. I had to go back to the doctor's anyway as they found something odd in my urine.

apparently they grew a sterile puss from my wee. Lush. That's ok if it comes with bugs. Bugs + puss = infection. treat with antibio's for a week, sorted. whats not so great is when you have Lupus, repeated UTI's and loin pain (for about 6 months now) and they grow puss. Just Puss.

So now I have to go and fart around having a scan on my kidneys and my bladder. Joyeux