Freezing

Its so cold in this house. My fingertips are blue.

Yesterday I went for another fill. I had 0.3mls put in. This takes me to 6.3ml in my band.

I cant say that I feel a whole lot different, but I am not sure...

This is such a surreal thing. I know what 'way to tight' feels like. I know what 'oh so slack' feels like. What I have now is I think different to a few days ago... but I'm not sure.

Hmmm. I will monitor it for a few days and see.

Today's intake:
Breakfast
1 wholemeal pitta with cheese and onion sandwich filler
Lunch
1 bowl tomato soup and 2 slices bread and butter
Dinner
spaghetti carbonara and a green salad.
Snack
Vanilla fromage frais.

I have not been hungry between meals. I feel full and satisfied, but able to complete my meal. I have not been sick.

Hopefully this is it. I am slightly panicky that my band is broken... not because I actually think it is, but because in some strange sense I felt that when I was choking on every meal at least I knew the band was there, whereas now I am eating, albeit gingerly, adequate amounts. I am worried that something will go wrong, I guess because I have put on weight. I have put on 8 pounds in the last 4 weeks. 2 pounds a week since I had my really restrictive fill taken out. That's stressed me out a hell of a lot.

I just hope being back to work, coupled with 0.3ml will sort me out for a while. I don't think I can face another drive to London this month!

Ok, I have chilled a little

Right, maybe I was so damn moody because I got the dreaded curse again. What is with that? I wish I could take a pill and it would just go away forever. I hate it. Its like every week! It seems I just start to forget about the last awful episode and feel a bit better again and then WHAM! The painters are in again. Its not fair. I wish I was a man!

Anyway, like I said, I have actually chilled a little today. There is little point trying to punish myself when most of the weight gain could possibly (here's hoping) be down to the curse.

So today I did some shopping and went to the cinema and saw Get Smart... kinda funny in places, but not as good as it could have been. Quite tragically cheesy. Had lots of familiar faces in it though... some bloke from WWF or Gladiators or something, the guy from Evan almighty, and what looked like Warf from Star trek, and also a bloke I am SURE has been on James bond.

anyway, that's it really. Oh, and an Albanian guy has looked around the room... GULP.

Fat and f*&%ed off

I am serious annoyed.

This morning, after a drink and fully dressed I weigh 16 stone 3.

THAT SUCKS BIG TIME

I have already booked another fill for Sunday, but got I am depressed.

I have decided that I have to take 1 day at a time. Stick to healthy eating each day and not look too far ahead. If I think to myself in 1 week I hope to lose 2 pounds... etc then things seem to go rubbish.

I am gonna just try to eat day by day and not worry about stuff.

I was 15 stone 7 a while ago... this feels like crap. REAL crap. Just shows how much restriction the band can give you because I have put on 9 pounds since being unfilled 3 and a half weeks ago. OH MY GOODNESS!!! That is horrendous.

I am listening to Nirvana's unplugged album that I got for our anniversary on Saturday. Its wicked, but is sadly not lifting my mood much! All that angst and stuff

What is with those lyrics man...

Underneath the bridge
tarp has sprung a leak
the animals are trapped
they've all become my pets
feed em up with grass
and the drippings from the ceiling
Its ok to eat fish
'cos they don't have any feelings.

What a load of TRIPE. I used to think it was all so full of meaning, but its just a pile of crap.

RARRRRRRRRR

I have just printed off all my pupils contracts for this year and put my prices up by a poxy 25p. like that's gonna help! that's like an extra £8 a week. WOOOoooooooo!

I feel miserable.

I hate being fat

Ooops been gone a while

Right then, seeing as I have been tardy, let me bring you all up to speed. I had my unfill which was wonderful... too wonderful. I have been able to eat everything and it's dog.

So I booked to have a top up and had it done last Sunday. I had 0.5mls put back in (for free) and to be honest there is not a lot of difference. I have not been eating quite so much, but apart from that I am able to eat pretty much all things except for sliced bread/rolls.

I am finding that pitta is a really good thing for me to eat. I have had 3 pitta bread over the course of the day with hummus. Tonight's tea is roast gammon with cauliflower cheese and for afters we are having apple and blackberry crumble and custard.

I am not hungry right now, and all I have consumed all day has been pitta bread and hummus, orange juice and coffee.

If you asked me have I had a lot to eat today I would say "yes" and in the back of my min think "too much" but actually this is BECAUSE of the band causing the sensation of satisfaction. I only FEEL like I have eaten too much, when in fact I haven't.

I hope to see a difference with my eating with this fill. Not so tight that I cannot eat more than a bite, but enough so that I can keep healthy and just lose maybe even 1/2 pound per week.

I am conscious that I am not really at my 1 year out yet (Band Mk2 that is - counting November 9th as band day.), and I have lost about a 1/3rd of the weight I want to ideally lose. I hope to have knocked half the weight on its head by my Band (mk2) Anniversary.

What damage did I do to my weight whilst at open free for all... 4 lb gain. This was analysed as 1 pound of water, 1 pound of muscle and 2 pounds of fat. Not bad when you consider I ate like a hog for 2 weeks solid. Mind you, eating like a hog for someone with a band, whatever their restriction is like, is significantly reduced from the Hardcore Hog that I was pre banding!!

So, I am not going to update my weight bar and add on the 4pound gain, as I will feel horrible and it will put me in a bad place, and I will adjust it when I have lost 4 and a half pounds instead and then I will be happy.

I have exactly 6mls in my band.

I suffered with a lot of pain in my port over the last few days where I have had to resort to codeine (Thanks Dad! He gave me all 200 packets of 90 tablets given to him from the hospital after his cancer operation - bargain!). Codeine was the only thing that touched my pain before when my band broke. However, it was NOT that kind of pain, but really from the injection site. There has been no swelling, redness or anything else and I still definitely have restriction, so I am not worried, although paranoia did start to set in during the long sleepless night after the fill! Today is fine though and I have been decorating, sawing, painting and all kinds of stuff without a problem.

As for the normal lark... we have our new lodger Josh. He arrived this afternoon at 3:30 with all his stuff. He is really excited about staying and starting his apprenticeship etc. Seems like a nice lad. He has a brother aged 9 too so just like home really!

Right, over and out for today.

Todays roundup

I have loads of things on eBay at the moment. A car, some shoes, a face cream, art books, my dress that I wore to the wedding and other stuff.

Hopefully I might get some cash back!

So that's what I have spent most of the day doing... photographing stuff and entering reams of crap on eBay. Its so long winded. Something that has really annoyed me today is the fact that if you revise and item, once you have listed it on eBay that is, it changes the title for you. good huh? I think that's rubbish seeing as I chose my title and took ages on it.

Grrr

Bunk mate phoned today. Was wicked to catch up and her life has been just the same crazy whirlwind as mine... but not quite eh bunk mate? She thinks I am totally crazy and I guess she is right. HA HA.

Trish the Canadian lodger moved out today. Boo Hoo... but there we go.

Now, Bunk mate pointed out that people might be getting a tad lost in the comings and going of the lodgers and the cars...

Ok, here's a round up of the lodgers to date:
November 2007 - February 2008 Carina our German Girl
February 2008 - April 2008 Our two Spanish sweeties... Maria and Xandra
April - present Sue out lovely English Rose
April 2008 - June 2008 - Lotse the Hungarian truck driver
June 2008 - July 2008 - Lotse + Csilla his wife & Lilli their daughter!
June 2008 for 2 weeks Katie the Scottish news reader
June 2008 - August 18th Trish the Canadian Medieval history PHD student

So at the moment we have just Sue and her dog Dylan. In a week, Josh arrives. He is a young lad of 16 just about to start his apprenticeship and will be staying with us for at least 13 weeks... but more likely a year +.

Last night we went to Lotse and Csilla's for dinner with Sue. It was really great. They have moved into a 3 bedroom place and they invited us over for dinner. They are so grateful to us for helping them get started. Lilli, their daughter, is coeliac. They didnt know that they could get a lot of her food on prescription. She is so painfully thin its harrowing. They nearly wept at the thought of Lilli being able to eat bread, pizza, rolls and pasta. In Hungary their life was a bit awful I think. Anyway, to them its like they have arrived in Paradise. Weird considering I would give anything to go and live in Hungary!! HA HA.

So it was really nice to go there and see them settling into English life. What a massive decision huh? Their son Greg joins them in September also to make a new start. Really exciting for them.
So, lodger wise that's it really... waiting for next Tuesday to settle Josh in, but that should be no problem really.

Cars...
well, I wrote my red Rover off last December, remember? I bought the horrid Mondeo to tide me over. Then I bought my MG but just didn't get along with it. Now I have bought a Rover 25 which is much more 'ME' and sold the MG. DH had a company car until beginning of June. Then he bought a Rover 400 saloon. It was a big of a nadger, and he swapped it on the site called http://www.swapz.co.uk/ which is cool for a Citroen saxo. But he still needed a better small car. So we just got him an 02 plate Ford Fiesta with is totally great for him and he is thrilled. So we are now selling the saxo.

Its all go around here boyz and girlz!

I have only 2 more weeks of the holidays left and then I am right back in the thick of it again. I am going to put my prices up because its just ridiculous not to. The few new people I have got over the holidays have not blinked a bit at the £14 per lesson price tag. I am, after all, extremely cheap anyway! The going rate is £16 - and that's travelling to the teachers house... so I am a bit of a bargain. I cant be too cheap or I will look like rubbish. Hard huh?

Ok, roundup of today's food...
had the prawns thing this morning
had an apple
had a couple of cereal bars
dinner was cauliflower, creamed leeks and duchess potatoes. I didn't bother with meat as it makes me sick.
Then I had half a bottle red and another cereal bar.

That's all folks!

Shopping is getting to be a full time job for an accountant

1 Tesco Plain Flour 1.5kg

2 Pataks Madras Curry Paste Medium Hot Jar 283g

14 Golden Delicious Apples Class 1 Loose

4 Pot Noodle Chicken & M/Room 94g

1 Red Bull Energy Drink 250ml

2 Tesco Nas Orange Squash 750ml

1 Robinsons Hi-Juice Orange 1 Ltr

4 Tesco Thick All Butter Shortbread Fingers 250g

1 Frozen Cooked & Peeled King Prawns 250g

1 T.Salt & Vinegarcrunchy Sticks 150g

1 Tesco Prawn Crackers 60g

1 Walkers Wotsits Cheese 12pk

3 Tesco Spinach Ricotta Tortellini 250g

1 Ready To Eat Peach Punnet

1 Tesco 12 Mini Savoury Eggs 240g

2 Boklunder Schulte Bratwurst 540g

1 Dove Deodorant Fresh Antiperspirant Deodrant 150ml

1 Raid Fly And Wasp Killer 300ml

1 Tesco Value Cooked Ham 125g

1 Tesco Value Table Salt 1kg

1 Tesco Non Biological Powder 30 Wash/2.4kg

2 Tesco Value Chicken Breast Fillets 1kg

2 Go Tan Nasi Goreng Mealkit 380g

1 Lamb Whole Leg 1.4kg - 2.4kg

1 Go Cat Duck Rabbit & Chicken 950g

2 Tesco Chocolate Chip Chewy & Crisp Cereal Bar 6 Pack

2 Tesco Value Dishwasher Tabs 30's

1 Clean & Fresh Washing Up Liquid 1 Ltr

1 Tesco Floral Liquid Rim Plus 3 Refills

24 Tesco Uht Value Skimmed Milk 1 Litre

5 Felix Fish Variety Pack 6 X 400g

TOTAL
£104.74

Same EXACT shop... using equivalent brands in LIDL.... £77.88

That is a saving of nearly £27.00!!!!!!!! Thats a new pair of shoes!

I have decided that I have to be more frugal with my spending, and am choosing where to buy things rather than just going to Tesco like I always have done.

A year or two ago I never thought about the price of things. The weekly shop come to such & such and that was that. I didn't buy value all the time, nor did I look and compare prices. I just saw what I wanted and put it in the trolley. I am finding with rising costs that this is simply idiotic these days. I was in tesco teaching DS how to work out which olive oil to buy and it struck me that I was actually working out the price per litre and then seeing which one was better value on a basic necessity like olive oil. This was really concerning.

When I was looking at it all, there were several thoughts going through my mind. Firstly was DS needs to be able to do this. He needs to be able to convert £1.25 per litre/kilo into mls/grams. He needs to work out how much per litre a 500ml bottle of oil costing £3.65 is etc.
Secondly, how cunning supermarkets are. For example there are 10 bottles of oil on the shelf. Some are 500mls, some 1 ltr, some 750. They all are labelled by price, but because of the sizing of the bottles, you still cant work out which is cheaper. They have 'tried' to make it easier by underneath putting the price per litre... but it is NOT uniform! Sometimes they put price per half litre or in mls, so for someone who cannot do basic maths, this is a minefield.
It struck me that they need to uniformly put the price per litre, or per ml or whatever and stick to it. But of course they are not going to.

DS and were looking at all these bottles of oil, and we were sat down on the floor in the aisle doing these sums. People were staring at us like we were mad. I said to DS "Which one looks the most expensive" and "Which one looks the cheapest?" He chose the Bertolli light olive oil as the most expensive because the label looks lovely. He chose the plain glass tesco bottle of oil as the cheapest because of the label too and also by the price tag. He was right about the most expensive. But wrong about the cheapest. Right next to the bottle of Tesco olive oil was another bottle which looked exactly the same size. It was dearer by about 25p though. However, when you looked VERY closely this bottle was 1litre of oil, and the glass one next to it was 750mls. The 1litre bottle was PLASTIC. It was exactly the same shape and size as the 750ml one, but was infact the cheapest. Now, just rushing through with screaming kids, Mrs Joe Bloggs would pick up the 750ml no doubt, because 25p is still 25p and would not notice that actually the other WAS cheaper.

I think this is like deception. It amounts to it. They cover the prices with jargon, put different prices, different sizes etc and it baffles one. Cunning. Obviously its their job to be, but I think it terrible. Going to such lengths as that to gain a few pence.

It doesn't stop there... you by loose apples because you see that the packaged ones are dearer. Then you keep doing that and what do you find, the packed apples are now cheaper!! so you go back to packed, then a few weeks later the loose are in again. They swap it to maximise their success and your loss.

Who goes shopping for a pint of milk and comes out with that pint costing £50. Its a time old saying, but I know I do! They swap the shelves, move products practically weekly to get you traipsing through the store in the hope that you will spot a bargain! How much more of this kind of thing that we don't notice? I always used to wonder why you could smell bread as you walked in the shop, but the bakery section was at the far back of the store... Hmmm.

Anyway, I am getting my veg from a local farm shop. I asked the lady there to make me up a box of veg and salad. That way I can go in, get the goods and leave and it cuts down on impulse buying. I find that I never have enough veg to last the week, so I go shopping purely for vegetables 2 or 3 times a week and end up come out with all kinds of other crap.

I am doing my main shopping in Lidl once per week.

I am buying my washing detergent ONLY from ALDI because their Liquid wash is £2 per bottle and it does 30 washes!!! That's Unreal! It washes really well too.

This way I figure I am going to save myself about £50 - £65 a week on my shopping bills.

Needs must when the devil drives.

band land... I am going to have a top up, I think I wrote that already, on Sunday. I have had a good day today... some prawns in a ginger and garlic sauce that I saved and froze from the other week and an apple. Not gonna get very fat on that huh.

Yesterday was a bit of a bad day... not because of over eating, but being sick. I cant remember what I had for breakfast... I think a muesli bar... then I went to the city to buy some stuff for our box day anniversary celebration which is on the 30th (will explain all later). I was really hungry and bought some spinach falafel from waitrose. I ate one and should have stopped. I didn't and ate another only to have to be sick later. Then we went to Lotse and Csilla's for dinner. They made fried chicken and mash and tiramisu. I had some chicken, but had to throw it back up. I managed the potato and also the two helpings of tiramisu. Yum!

Today I have also added a cereal bar to my daily food intake. I have no idea what we are doing for dinner, but I want something nice!

Blessed relief

My brothers wedding was fabulous, and we had such a lovely time. They were so cute and in love and I am thrilled for them. The above was DS in his penguin suit as Paige Boy and Ring Bearer, and then one of my get up...

Check out the wedding 'cake'. What a nightmare for us bandsters huh? Thank goodness I hadn't had my band relaxed at the time of the wedding!! there was 240 Krispy Kreme Donuts and even a chocolate fountain in the evening. No I didn't succumb!

But back to banding... My appointment with Wendy went well on Sunday. I had a WHOLE millilitre out of my band.

I cant tell you how wonderful it feels. Strangely enough, although I never thought I could feel my band inside me, I must have been able to in some way because my chest actually feels different.

When I hopped on the table I told her I wanted all the fluid - everything - out of my band because I couldn't take it any more. she told me that 1 ml would be fine.

She said that when people are too tight she can tell. Its in their eyes and skin condition and general behaviour... lethargic and lacklustre all around. She said that I wasn't that tight because I looked healthy, rosy cheeks and was bright and attentive etc. Apparently some people are literally starving themselves and think they are going to be able to lose weight, but in fact the very opposite is true and they are seriously jeopardising their bands and the integrity of their stomach.

So when she stuck in the needle it immediately popped out fluid - a clear indication of tightness. She drew all 6.5mls out of my band to check for leaks, fluid loss, colouration etc and all was fine, then she just put 5.5mls back in.

I felt the relief immediately. I was hungry before having the fluid out as she doesn't like you to eat before a fill, so we went straight to KFC afterwards. I was able to COMFORTABLY eat half a twister. That was unbelievable. No puking, no worries, and a natural full feeling where I just wanted to stop eating.

I actually didn't eat anything else the rest of the day as it was about 5pm when we had the KFC anyway.

Yesterday I had a bit of crap carb day, and spent a lot of time in bed with horrible period pain, but today I am determined to not think about having a band and try and eat to satisfaction and stop. I don't want to push the band, and I don't want to overeat just because I might be able to.

So today's day started off with 28g muesli and skimmed milk - a previously unimagined delight.

Weight wise I was 15stone 8 according to the scales at the weightloss surgery group appointment. So that's good. Last time I weighed 16 stone 4, so at least I have lost 10 pounds since April.

Anyway, I am gonna crack on with this band lark and start behaving myself. No wine, no junk. Actually, it feels great to know I DON'T have to eat junk. I was relying on it to keep me going for the last couple of months, but now I can eat regular food its a real relief.

Liquids and Mushies

Thanks for all your support guys.

I got a real telling off from Wendy at WLS Group. She told me to drink iced fluids for 24 hours and then liquids and soup until I see her on Sunday as I am totally jeopardising my band by being way too tight and sick so much. She said it was very dangerous to have stayed in that position and I should have got in touch with her immediately I noticed the amount of HMS'ing.

I have been very good. I did what she said all day Friday & Saturday. Sunday was a bit awful. TB was having some serious stress and I needed to be a chocolate eating partner with her, so I ingested my body weight in minstrels and had several glasses of vino too. Yesterday I had a little mashed potato and also muesli bar as well as yogurts etc.

Today I have been good too. I had a muesli bar with some milk for breakfast. For lunch I had a little bit of spaghetti that was left in the can after DS had spaghetti on toast for his lunch.

I have just consumed some nice biscuits soaked in coffee and that's probably going to me for the day. I might have a yogurt for dinner though.

I cant do liquids for a week. But puree and soft diet I can do. its a half way house.

Unfill booked

Right, my next trip to Harley street is on the 10th August at 1:00pm.
That's worked out well actually. we will be on the way back from my mums house on the Sunday anyway, so stopping off at Harley street on the way is purrrfect!

Yesterday was bad news. I got home from the meeting and went to bed with 4 trash magazines, a bottle of wine, a bar of cadburys caramel (not a little bar... the big 500g one!), a box of pringles and 3 packets of Worcester sauce flavour crisps and a 5 pack of kit kat chunky's!

I felt like total crap yesterday, emotionally, physically and mentally. I felt like I needed to go away for a while. I felt like I wanted to be on my own and have my own space for a while, do what I want to do and think about no one else. so it was nice having a couple of hours in bed on my own enjoying rubbish.

However, this morning I feel disappointed with myself. Sue really upset me and I was kicking back at her remarks. She is slim, 60, never had a weight problem and apparently all I needed to do was control my portions. Its easy apparently. I just needed to have a small piece of grilled protein and a salad and I would be fine. Now, I am so upset! Why didn't I just try and stop eating so much? OMG like I never thought of that. I have had a lap band. DEAR ME! Does she really think that I haven't tried EVERY DAMN THING IN THE WORLD.

There is not 1 thin person on earth that understands where fat people like me are coming from. I mean, if you got a bunch of us fatties together in a room, the reasons we all eat are so different from one another that even WE don't know why we do it, so how the HECK does she think she knows. I was furious.
I told her that for me, it was the swallowing part I love and infact it didn't matter what the food was I would just like to eat it. Apparently I was wrong, and I didnt enjoy that at all

She said:
" No, its the taste that makes people eat more. You just have to control yourself. Everyone gets to a point when they are full and they cant eat any more or they are sick. Its just greed"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What a moron. I hate thin people who think that we are gluttonous hogs. That is so TOTALLY wrong. I eat because I feel RUBBISH. I eat because I feel good, I eat because I lost weight and because I want to lose more and I eat because I don't lose weight.

Someone needs to find out what the hell is going on in our heads because it is NOT just a case of control.

I gave up fags. If I can do that I think I have pretty damn strong will power.

I cannot control my urge to eat.

So I was real pee'd off last night and felt really vulnerable and like some fat common dumb hick idiot who is just ignorant or something and only has enough brain cells to work a can opener.

She also said "I don't think overweight people realise that if they just have 3 small portioned meals a day that they would lose weight"

And when I said "Of course we do. We have been to EVERY damn slimming group and know all the rules and the do's and don'ts. We can follow it for a time, but we just eventually give up because the desire to eat is stronger than the desire to be slim."

"But its not like you don't care about what you look like, because you do..."

"Yes, I really do care what I look like but I don't care enough to stop eating. Infact I eat more because I look so grim"

"well put a picture of your self on the fridge and that will stop you"

I took her to my fridge and showed her the 2 full sized nude me's. 1 at my fattest and one at 2 stone less. " I have done that. It doesn't disgust me enough to stop me eating."

" Well it should"

WHAT A BITCH. She might as well have looked me in the eye and told me I was a disgrace to humanity and I was greedy and gluttonous and disgusting and ignorant and that I have no control and am basically an animal.

Well, maybe its true. But let me think about that a little more. You live in my house.

That's right, you are a 60+ year old woman living in MY house, in the small box room.

You have no idea the amount of stuff I have been through, or the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't be able to do.

Just as I don't know what stuff you have been through, I don't comment on why a woman of 60+ is living in the box room of a young family, when they have 3 grown up children who were private boarding school educated, are now married and living all over the world with posh jobs etc. You have the poshest voice outside of Knightsbridge. You don't fit in here at all, and your kids don't even care enough about you to give you a duvet and pillow on their sofa.

You are getting back what you gave out.

I know I would choose being a unhappy fatty, dying young of diabetes or something and any day rather than squatting in a room and knowing that my 3 kids do not give a crud about me.

Booking an unfill

I have taken a fellow bandit's advice and have requested to have some fluid out of my band.

This goes against everything I feel should happen with the band. I honestly thought that you just gradually get topped up and up and up etc and you slowly starve yourself thin. Extreme, but there is not a lot of info about exactly HOW it works for real.

I have heard about how people get to their sweet spot etc, but I just thought they had been filled enough and were losing weight.

Paying someone to TAKE precious fluid out of my band seems crazy in my mind, but I know that I have to stop thinking that. I am too tight. Eating is a chore. I am all consumed with food, and I am thinking about nothing else other than eating or the lack of and this is making me feel like absolute rubbish.

Been looking back at my weight loss chart and I was going really well on 6.1mls, but had noticed the scales slowing down. My reaction was to get a little bit put in. Well 6.6mls is too much for me. Eating is a misery and a torture. I eat one mouthful and then cant have any more... this means that sometimes I don't even taste everything on my plate! I can cheat it a little bit. If I eat slowly to0 start with and then follow it with very wet food, I can eat more. But only in the evening. I very rarely eat before lunch time and today I ate my first thing at 3pm. That was a pot noodle. Nice and nutritious huh? Its wet, and slips down. That's what I am doing, just eating easy things and normally that means calories.

I would give anything just to be normal, and basically that 0.5mls has made too much difference. So I emailed Michelle at the WLSgroup today to book an appointment to take some fluid out. I cant do this any more. I feel exhausted from thinking about food; throwing it away kills me, eating it kills me, not eating enough is killing me, binging on junk is killing me.

I have not lost a bean for ages and I know its because I am trying to make myself feel better with food... food like chocolate and crisps which I can eat.

So will, keep you posted.

P'd off

Not in the mood. Completely pissed off with myself.

I cant believe we are the end of July and I have lost nothing basically since MAY.

Oh what the hell is wrong with me?

I feel shit. Cystitis is killing me slowly, as are the stupid ,ind games I play with myself. I just need to relax and let life happen. If I could, I think I would inject lard into my veins... such is the self sabotaging of my stupid fat ass!

I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I DO WANT TO.

What a screw up. I am even considering forgetting the bloody band as eating is a joke. I just cant handle it, and I am thinking about having all the fluid out and just having a normal life for a bit. I just don't know what to do because on the other hand I really do like the fact that I weigh less and stuff, and look better bla bla. Being slimmer doesn't seem to be making me as happy as I thought it would, or even as happy as I was last year in the initial weightloss phase before it broke.

The band break is still well and truly with me. I have not got over it. I am so wound up about how this works for everyone else and even the people who had the operation in November for the first time have lost like 60 pounds or something.

I feel very fucking sorry for myself.

Today's food & drink intake:

1 coffee
1 bag of 'Skips' style crisps in a party size bag
1 coffee
2 jelly babies
2 pints of water
1 pint of squash and potassium citrate liquid
Salad - comprising lettuce, beetroot, potato, coleslaw & a bite of quiche
2 pints of water

I feel as miserable as sin, and I hate the band. I just want to eat. I want to eat so badly.

I wish I had had the bypass.

Gaining inspiration

I have not been in the mood to be kid to my weightloss since coming back from Malta. I dunno why... Just haven't. I still expect the scales to tell me I lost weight each week, no matter how much shite I put down my neck!

Anyway, I am still 15stone 9 pounds (219lbs) as of this morning. I really want to get this moving now. I only have a couple of weeks before my brothers wedding, and I know that I wont be able to do much, but I will be able to do a couple of pounds and then spend the rest of the summer on track so that I look fabulous in September for the new term, which will also mean I have to get new clothes at last because my winter stuff will all be massive.

to gain inspiration I am looking through old photo albums and having a look at the fattest me. I have a particular horror of me on holiday in France. Fags on the table, bottle of wine and a pile of blubber. I will see if I can scan then and upload them to a gallery of shame, which will be very good for the soul.

You will all be pleased to know that I have got chronic cystitis once again. Ergh. I just hate the draining dragging and constant need to go to the loo, not to mention pain. So as I cant actually afford Oasis or Cystopurin as they are so bloody expensive and taste like that cranberry shit too... I bought a bottle of Potassium citrate. Exactly the same stuff but lemon flavour! YAY. This is much better and only £1.90 a bottle which will do me for ages. there must be at least 40 doses in that one bottle as opposed to 6 or something lame in the boxes of Oasis.

I mean what a rip off! I never heard of Potassium Citrate liquid!!! All these years and this is the first time someone went "what about a cheaper version?".

So, there we go.

Day two of no wine

OMG, I was seriously fancying a glass of vino last night. That's completely worrying isn't it! Thankfully the urge lasted about as long as my old diets, and coffee did the trick.

Yesterday was not a bad day. I didn't eat anything until lunch time when I had some clear chicken broth that Csilla made on Sunday. In the evening we had a BBQ. I did Frikadellen and bratwurst, salad and a jacket potato. I managed 2/3rd of a frik, 1/4 jacket potato, 1/2 bratwurst and a little salad. I was last to finish, but didn't have to puke.

I was naughty though as I did have some ice cream. Eismann came yesterday and I bought some Big Cheesecake Mary Lou ice creams... MMMMmmmmm. So, oops, but there we go. Not bad when your not having anything else.

Today, I decided to sell my MG. I have put it on eBay. I was going to do a swap at a garage for a Peugeot. Yesterday everything looked great, but today, the car didn't look so hot as it had yesterday and I noticed that it needed a new front headlamp, and it has been in a smash as the rear driver side door was completely new and re-sprayed. Also someone at one time or another had tried to break into it, so it was a bit bent on the door lock. Yesterday it was go. today it was Ummm... maybe not. So I went with the old guts and decided not to do it. Also I was going to be losing about 2K on my MG doing a swap, so I am chancing it on eBay.

However, this means that I shall shortly be looking for a new car to buy. I want it to be newish, but either diesel or a small engine petrol. We shall see.

Today I had some rice and onion rings for lunch. Not a usual choice, but Csilla made it. Its doesn't seem to matter if you say "yes please" or "no thanks", you get it anyway. Its going to be sad when they move out on Friday, but at least we wont have to ingest a tonne of lard each day.

Been speaking to a fellow bandit, and I think that I am in the same place and possibly need an unfill. I really am not psychologically happy about that, because its gonna cost me £85 to have fluid out. Then what if I need some more back in? Another £85 and I haven't got it. I am so scared of having fluid out and being able to eat more, but on the other hand its doing me no good eating shit.

So, will have a good hard think about it. I think basically I either have to get more dedicated to mastication, or have an unfill.

Hmmm

Stale mate

I really thank you for you comments, and I totally agree. I am back in the whole "its easier to stay as things are" phase again.

I haven't put on weight this week, nor have I gained any thank God. I deserve to though. I have had numerous bottles of wine, including the sweet Tokaj wine from Hungary which I love and a whole bar of cadburys dairy milk and sweets and crisps galore.

What I need to do is get into a routine. I don't have a food that I can routinely eat and not be ill with, but this week I have had a lot less problems with HMS'ing.

I have had to HMS twice, no, three times that I can remember. 2 were yesterday. I had one of those snack pots like Philadelphia with bread sticks but it was actually french toast and tomato salsa and cheese or something which they called a Brushetta Snack. I would use that phrase loosely to be honest, but I followed just 1 'brushetta' with a mouthful of pesto pasta ad it sat there and I had to get rid of it. Then yesterday evening we had a massive meal cooked by the Hungarian section of the family - chicken soup followed by breaded meat filled pancakes with herb potatoes followed by Bakewell tart made by Sue. Wow, there was no way I could eat all that. I had the soup which was thin chicken stock basically with little bits of pasta floating in it, then I had half a pancake and 1/4 of a potato. Then I had to HMS. Then I had a spoonful of custard and a taste on the tip of my tongue of bakewell tart. That was yesterday.

I find that in the morning I cant eat anything to be honest. If I do, it just gives me grief with burping and that heavy stuck feeling on my chest. Lunch I can usually manage something like soup or dairylea dunkers eaten slowly or a little pasta with a wet sauce. Dinner I can do. I cant do much of it, but I can at least do it.

What I am trying to do is eat too much. I don't need a fill, I just need to forget the way I used to and want to eat. Its impossible and just makes me miserable. If I struggle to eat all day, by the end of the day I ALWAYS will have something foodie to make myself feel better like wine, or chocolate or ice cream, and this has got to stop.

I figure that if I stop trying to be a fucking idiot and eat what I know I CAN eat, then by the evening I will feel good about the days eating and not feel like I want to have a sugar fest.

This week, I am going to make a concerted effort to just eat what I know I can and not be a prick and try and eat a whole pancake or even a half! I had to admit that I am writing this revelation as I am chocking on a bite of gluten free pancake made by DS and Lili the Hungarian. They wanted me to try their master piece, and I regret it. So I am going to HMS and then just go with the flow. I am also not going to have wine until my brothers wedding as I expect that I will lost 2 dress sizes just cutting out that crap.

I am under no stress now, work has finished for the summer hols and I am at home all day doing what I love best... nothing! So I am going to get my head together and work my arse off to make sure that next summer I am a scrawny bint.

I have hit the wall

I have dreams about NOT having my band. I dream I can eat whatever I want and I can eat it quickly. Donuts especially.

I am in a real mess guys. I have no will power left and all I can think about is BLOODY FOOD.

I don't need it... I WANT it. I just keep wanting something tasty, something savory, something sweet... just anything.

I need some advice to help me psychologically about this as its my mind doing overtime.

Here are some things that I think are niggling me and making me want food:

Money - just worried non specifically about not having enough really
My pupils exam results - especially a grade 8 student
Finishing work for the summer - on Saturday I wrap up for the year... which also brings us back to money or the lack of for 6 weeks.
DS's home education - next year its year 5 work. VERY worried about his handwriting.
My brothers wedding on 9th August and what I will look like, feel like and who I will be seen by (eg B'hurst People from school who I haven't seen for years and who last saw me at 9 stone something and don't want to look like a fat gone to pot, let myself go mother - which indeed I am!)
About the amount of people in the house - 8! Us three and Sue, Lotse, Csilla, Lilli and Trish and the fact that people are living on our drive in a caravan for heavens sake and we only have 1 loo in the whole house!
My hair. It's awful.

Theres a starter for you... come on then, sort me out.

Sorry to have been A.W.O.L.

Man, so much has been going on, and I have also had a new graphics card installed into my PC meaning I can at last play Sims2 YEAH! which is taking up and incredible amount of time... who knew I was that tragic huh?

Well, since being home I have managed to shift another bit of the holiday flab. I am now 15 stone 8 and a half pounds (218.5lbs) so a my tracker bar says up the top that's 33.5 pounds lost totally.

I have been having a seriously hard time since getting back. Eating has been a complete pain in the arse. Its just so annoying. The other totally annoying thing is that you CAN eat a load of shit like crisps, sweets and ice cream and wine. Great.

So I have been pretty good considering I can eat all that junk but have chosen not to.

So my Dad's cancer... Its all gone apparently so that's cool, but he went to see them on Friday and was hoping he would get a date for his colostomy reversal operation and that it could all be done before my brothers wedding on the 9th August. Sadly no. Its gonna be another couple of months yet. His MRSA has still not entirely healed up and its still weeping from the wound occasionally, so they wont even touch him if that's still there. So he was proper upset. Didn't help things that on Saturday I have my first Piano concert and recital for all my pupils. It was posh dress etc (pic of me and DS playing Darth Vader's Imperial March above on a wonderful grand piano!). Just after the concert finished my dads bag came apart. Its so ironic. they give him a new type of bag that will be easier to deal with and he can hopefully kind of forget about having it, and then it goes and breaks. Not leaks... breaks! Can you believe it? So they change it and its all a bit rubbish for him and stuff, but they deal with it.

We got home and we were just off to bed when Mum came dashing in saying the new bag had broken too! What?!?! We looked at the 3rd bag they brought just in case and it came apart in my hands. Poor Dad. So we had to phone the hospital and they sent the district nurse out. We had all had wine and beer, and none of us could drive so we had to sit and wait for her to come and she didn't get here till 3am. Bless her for it though as otherwise we would have had to tape a plastic bag to him!

Its not the cancer that is the problem with him, its the horrible side effects of the surgery. I mean, the last thing you want is a dodgy batch of bags on top of cancer and MRSA right? Jeeez.

Today he is back at the hospital to have the result of the biopsy on his tongue. He has an inch and a half chopped out of that the other week, so hopefully that will be good news. I don't think I can deal with any more. They seemed to think its a benign tumour, but who knows until you get down and test the thing right?

So the mill has been grinding for all of us rather a lot recently.

The concert went really well even though I was shitting myself. I played Bach's prelude in C Major and my sister played Gounod's Ave Maria on the cello as a duet and it was fabulous.

All my pupils played their bits so well and it was just wonderful.

So today I am back on track and I am going to try and have a good weight loss week. My bro's wedding is in 4 weeks, so I am going to try and at least be at my lowest weight again for that... which is 15 st 6 I think. Totally do-able.

laterz

Had 3 meals today!

For breakfast I had half a pancake.

For lunch I had some Hungarian 'Gnoccedly' and 'Perkerd'. Y U M! I have absolutely NO idea how to spell these, so they are phonetic versions of what we were served up. Gnoccedly is a kind of homemade pasta put through a utensil that looks like a blunt cheese grater straight into boiling water. The result is a kind of pasta that looks like mini cumulus clouds... like the italian Gnocci but smaller and very tasty. This is then covered in this stuff called 'Perkerd'. Its chicken drumsticks cooked in an onion puree with pepper and paprika, tomato and sour cream sauce. Its wonderful. I managed a bowl of the pasta and a little of the sauce on it. I didn't even bother with the chicken.

For dinner I had a full Sunday Roast. 1 sprig of broccoli, 1 spoon carrots, 1/2 slice beef, 1/2 roast potato and a Yorkshire pudding smothered in gravy and horseradish served up on a tea plate. It was delish!

Wow, how tight am I?

Rather a loaded title, but you guys know what I mean!

had a couple of depressing food days.
Where are we... Thursday? Ok... well I will start with Tuesday then. It was really random and I must admit that I had a few thoughts about band slippage because it was so weird...

I don't think I ate anything all morning, and at lunch I had a couple of salami slices and half a slice of bread and butter. At about 3:30 I went off to work, and I was feeling mighty dodgy. I was sick at my pupils house... this was induced sickness rather than spontaneous. I am going to have to invent some word for this. Its not a pb. I hate that phrase too. I don't get pb's in the true sense of what they mean - productive burps. I get an elephant standing on my chest and have to induce vomiting. Then I feel better.

Ok... I am gonna call it HMS - as in Had to Make myself Sick

So, I HMS, and came home feeling a bit woozy. I really needed sugar ad I had that whole tremor thing going on. So I bought chocolate. 3 bars for £1 (bargain). Ate a couple of squares of Dairy Milk and then had to be sick at the side of my car in the village High Street. Nice. Then I went home. I felt terrible. It felt like I had swallowed a golf ball... but it was UNDER my band. It was like there was some massive thing I needed to throw up that was stuck under my band. It was voice changing, mucus producing, sweat beading-ly horrible. I was belching and grunting over the bathroom sink and spitting foam whilst DS phoned to cancel my pupils (which made me feel even better after having just been off for 2 weeks holiday!) But after about half an hour the belches subsided and I was exhausted. I went to lie down and slept until 7pm. I got up then and showed a new lodger around the room and decided that I was feeling remarkably well. How strange. I was still all shaky, so I drank some milk and then sucked the milky bar I had bought earlier. No problem. Then I cooked the dinner for everyone and laid the table and sat down to chilli con carne. There was NO way I could eat that in a million years. I had a few mouthfuls but knew immediately I had to HMS. I should have just not bothered, but I was hungry man! So I thought stuff food, and just drank juice. Later in the evening I had some of the left over bread and butter pudding that I had also made for the brood. This was nice because it was soggy and gooey and slipped down a treat. The shakes subsided and that brought Tuesday to an end. So Tuesdays food consisted of a bit of bread, a slice of salami, 1 chocolate bar and a serving of bread and butter pudding. Crap.

Yesterday? Well it was not too different to be honest, but at least I didn't have the whole "I am gonna chuck my band up through its own stoma" problem.

I got up and decided to have a banana. However, the band decided that this was SO not going to happen, and I managed 1 bite. I waited 30 minutes and then was able to drink a couple of sips of coffee. I was dying of thirst, but I just could do it. We went into town and booked a hall for my concert on the 5th July, and then it was only after maybe 2 or so hours had passed since the banana mystery that I finally drank my cold coffee and a bottle of water to boot. I have a habit of taking my coffee with me in the car because this kind of thing often happens, so it was dutifully waiting for me on our return from the shops.

Lunch ended up being the browning banana I had intended to eat for brekkie, as I wasn't that hungry and couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Then I cooked Puttanesca sauce ready for when I got home from work. and off I toddled. I did a full schedule of lessons and drank 1 cup of tea all afternoon, and when I got home I was starving. I fired up the burners under the pasta and then gathered the masses to feeding time. I managed the most POXY portion. It was about 6 quills of pasta and sauce and then a quick HMS and a 30 minute wait followed by 1 more quill and an olive. Rubbish. But I was satiated which is always the oddest thing to get my head around. It just doesn't seem real to be able to get so full on so little food. I MUST get used to this as this is I think the crux of any weightloss problems I have post banding.

So that was dinner and then about 10pm, I was peckish and I had a few slices of salami whilst playing Sims 2. I took a pint of orange juice to bed with me, and that was yesterday. Banana, pasta, Salami and juice.

Today I am feeling tight too. I knew when I rolled out of bed. I swallowed the last of the orange juice that I took to bed with me, and could 'feel' it. That's always a sure sign that there is absolutely No point whatsoever in bothering with breakfast as its a fight that I will not win.

So, shall update later, but that's it right now. Feeling in need of food big time. It seems a long time since I had a full meal, and I really really miss it. Its the swallowing part I miss most. To swallow a big mouthful just once more, would be really nice.

** The Update**

I am a little bit concerned to be fair... I have been able to eat nothing today. I didn't bother with breakfast as I said, and lunch came and went without me noticing it. Then I made a quiche for tonight's dinner, and went off to work. I was at my pupils house where they always give me food and today they had laid on 2 MASSIVE chunks of french bread with butter and jam and a chocolate bar from Thorntons! Phew. So I took a nice bite and as she left, and as soon as my pupils back was turned, I wrapped one of the slabs of bread and jam in the napkin and stuffed it in my bag. All was ok until I tried at the end of the lesson to quickly down the tea she had made and I knew I wasn't going to make it. I got out of the house and into the car, drove a little way down the road and HMS'd on the road.

Then I did another lesson and then went to the meeting and on the way to the meeting started eating the chocolate bar figuring that it wa nearly 7pm and I haven't eaten all day. Soon as I got to the meeting I HMS'd in the toilet. I am now at home, HMS'ing into the sink after having one of DS's crisps.

I know that all the stuff I am managing to eat is junk. This is half the reason I am trying to eat it, because I actually thought it would go down considering it always has before. I also know there is absolutely no point this side of tomorrow that I could eat anything approaching vegetable or meat based in solid form.

So, here ends yet another day of shit eating, shit eating habits and shitty vomiting and feeling... Shit.

Frankly I don't know what to do. shall I go on liquids for a couple of days or should I just persevere with food? I can at least drink, so I am making sure that I do. I have also been taking my berroca religiously because of this rubbish.

Anyone else ever had this problem? Am I too tight? - and if so... how is that possible since my last fill was ages ago?

Wow, I just don't know what to do. I feel like crying to be honest. I cant console myself in anything that will comfort me. I cant even eat goddamn chocolate!

having a seriously tight day... just when I dont want to

I really want to eat.

Really really really badly!

I went to fat fighters this morning and surveyed the damage I did to my holiday weight gain... 15 stone 9 pounds. Excellent. That's 2 pounds of the gain down the bog.

I took a banana for me and TB to eat after the weigh in, but I managed 1 bite and had to chuck the rest. Half way home I had to stop mid-roadway and puke it up.

Lunch - grabbed some of last nights risotto and some smoked salmon I had in the fridge. Had 2 mouthfuls when Lotse announced that lunch was ready. Gulp. I was already full and about to be sick. I had seen the ominous cauldron bubbling on the stove, but assumed that it was a massive stew for his gigantic appetite and his wife to share. Wrong. His wife made us traditional Hungarian Goulash (pronounced Goo-yash) which we HAD to eat. Double Gulp.

DH said "Quick... go throw that up so you can get a bowl of this down you" and as it would happen that is what I was going to have to do anyway, Goulash or not. so I threw up my 2 spoons of risotto and it had such an air pocket behind it where I must have gulped it down or something, that it actually Hit the sink at the speed of light and pebble-dashed the wall. Great.

My goodness, no wonder I felt as if I had a stone down my gullet. I have never had that before, but it was like a big bubble of air trapped behind a bolus of food. Proper horrid anyway.

So, I sat down to (thankfully) some goulash which I could eat as the soup is very thin and I just left the veg in the bowl. I got away with it thankfully.

I went to work, and have not had any dinner yet... I am just debating what it will be. I had a couple of DS's Jelly beans that my sister gave to him for dreaming up her new website name. They are sitting in there right now, so although I want to stuff my face with chocolates and stuff because I am having PMT from hell and back, I cant.

I am back

and I came home with a little bit more of me that what I went with!

I had an ace time in Malta. It was really lovely and relaxing. Even though we only got home yesterday evening it seems like we have never been away... except for the washing and the size of the kittens! They are massive now. they are also weaned and using the litter tray I think... I haven't seen any evidence of them using the tray, but there is no other evidence if you know what I mean!! HA HA.

So I now weigh 15 stone 11 pounds this morning. I am SO pleased that I didn't get back to 16 stone. I would have died if I had been out of the 15 stones and back up into the 16's. that would have made me eat some serious chocolate!

So back to normal without 15 vodka and lemonades, crisps, burgers and all kinds of ice cream sweets and crap... hopefully I will lose a few this week.

5 pounds is a bit of a brutal amount to put on, but I am not surprised. It was down to drink and ice cream because I didn't eat all that much. I didn't have too many pukes and no bad chokes at all. The first few days in Malta were difficult as the band was SUPER TIGHT. Honestly, it was like an over enthusiastic straitjacket, and I managed to eat barely nothing, so I made sure I drank plenty. All the lemonade was 'full fat' and I let it go nice and flat and drank that, orange juice, which in fact was more like sunny delight... so I guess really sugar loaded, wine, vodka and lots of cappuccino and of course bottle water too. I hate flat coke, so the only diet drink that I could have had I don't like and refuse to drink.

Whilst there I found an excellent breakfast was (in this order):

2 small glasses of orange juice (Sunny D style)

2 espresso's with cold milk (I use espresso in the loosest possible terms!)

1 slice of nimble style bread and butter with

3 slices of salami (Danish style).

Lunch:
anywhere between 2 bites and a whole burger

or a packet of crisps

Dinner:

anything from 3 calamari to a whole plate of ratatouille

if its wet I can eat it... ratatouille or veg with gravy or mash potato with gravy etc.

if its dry I can eat a bit - palm of the hand size.

Meat seems to be a bit of a no no unless I eat it with some kind of vegetable in the same mouthful. A mouthful now-a-days is about the size of a prawn or 6 peas.

So there we go. All terribly interesting I am sure!

I will take a new photo when I get a bit lower and post it on. Meanwhile you can check out this claim to fame photo of me and DS with Glynn from Big Brother 2006. He was staying in our hotel with his Mum and Dad. Lovely lad.