I have taken a fellow bandit's advice and have requested to have some fluid out of my band.
This goes against everything I feel should happen with the band. I honestly thought that you just gradually get topped up and up and up etc and you slowly starve yourself thin. Extreme, but there is not a lot of info about exactly HOW it works for real.
I have heard about how people get to their sweet spot etc, but I just thought they had been filled enough and were losing weight.
Paying someone to TAKE precious fluid out of my band seems crazy in my mind, but I know that I have to stop thinking that. I am too tight. Eating is a chore. I am all consumed with food, and I am thinking about nothing else other than eating or the lack of and this is making me feel like absolute rubbish.
Been looking back at my weight loss chart and I was going really well on 6.1mls, but had noticed the scales slowing down. My reaction was to get a little bit put in. Well 6.6mls is too much for me. Eating is a misery and a torture. I eat one mouthful and then cant have any more... this means that sometimes I don't even taste everything on my plate! I can cheat it a little bit. If I eat slowly to0 start with and then follow it with very wet food, I can eat more. But only in the evening. I very rarely eat before lunch time and today I ate my first thing at 3pm. That was a pot noodle. Nice and nutritious huh? Its wet, and slips down. That's what I am doing, just eating easy things and normally that means calories.
I would give anything just to be normal, and basically that 0.5mls has made too much difference. So I emailed Michelle at the WLSgroup today to book an appointment to take some fluid out. I cant do this any more. I feel exhausted from thinking about food; throwing it away kills me, eating it kills me, not eating enough is killing me, binging on junk is killing me.
I have not lost a bean for ages and I know its because I am trying to make myself feel better with food... food like chocolate and crisps which I can eat.
So will, keep you posted.
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
P'd off
Not in the mood. Completely pissed off with myself.
I cant believe we are the end of July and I have lost nothing basically since MAY.
Oh what the hell is wrong with me?
I feel shit. Cystitis is killing me slowly, as are the stupid ,ind games I play with myself. I just need to relax and let life happen. If I could, I think I would inject lard into my veins... such is the self sabotaging of my stupid fat ass!
I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I DO WANT TO.
What a screw up. I am even considering forgetting the bloody band as eating is a joke. I just cant handle it, and I am thinking about having all the fluid out and just having a normal life for a bit. I just don't know what to do because on the other hand I really do like the fact that I weigh less and stuff, and look better bla bla. Being slimmer doesn't seem to be making me as happy as I thought it would, or even as happy as I was last year in the initial weightloss phase before it broke.
The band break is still well and truly with me. I have not got over it. I am so wound up about how this works for everyone else and even the people who had the operation in November for the first time have lost like 60 pounds or something.
I feel very fucking sorry for myself.
Today's food & drink intake:
1 coffee
1 bag of 'Skips' style crisps in a party size bag
1 coffee
2 jelly babies
2 pints of water
1 pint of squash and potassium citrate liquid
Salad - comprising lettuce, beetroot, potato, coleslaw & a bite of quiche
2 pints of water
I feel as miserable as sin, and I hate the band. I just want to eat. I want to eat so badly.
I wish I had had the bypass.
I cant believe we are the end of July and I have lost nothing basically since MAY.
Oh what the hell is wrong with me?
I feel shit. Cystitis is killing me slowly, as are the stupid ,ind games I play with myself. I just need to relax and let life happen. If I could, I think I would inject lard into my veins... such is the self sabotaging of my stupid fat ass!
I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I DO WANT TO.
What a screw up. I am even considering forgetting the bloody band as eating is a joke. I just cant handle it, and I am thinking about having all the fluid out and just having a normal life for a bit. I just don't know what to do because on the other hand I really do like the fact that I weigh less and stuff, and look better bla bla. Being slimmer doesn't seem to be making me as happy as I thought it would, or even as happy as I was last year in the initial weightloss phase before it broke.
The band break is still well and truly with me. I have not got over it. I am so wound up about how this works for everyone else and even the people who had the operation in November for the first time have lost like 60 pounds or something.
I feel very fucking sorry for myself.
Today's food & drink intake:
1 coffee
1 bag of 'Skips' style crisps in a party size bag
1 coffee
2 jelly babies
2 pints of water
1 pint of squash and potassium citrate liquid
Salad - comprising lettuce, beetroot, potato, coleslaw & a bite of quiche
2 pints of water
I feel as miserable as sin, and I hate the band. I just want to eat. I want to eat so badly.
I wish I had had the bypass.
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Gaining inspiration
I have not been in the mood to be kid to my weightloss since coming back from Malta. I dunno why... Just haven't. I still expect the scales to tell me I lost weight each week, no matter how much shite I put down my neck!
Anyway, I am still 15stone 9 pounds (219lbs) as of this morning. I really want to get this moving now. I only have a couple of weeks before my brothers wedding, and I know that I wont be able to do much, but I will be able to do a couple of pounds and then spend the rest of the summer on track so that I look fabulous in September for the new term, which will also mean I have to get new clothes at last because my winter stuff will all be massive.
to gain inspiration I am looking through old photo albums and having a look at the fattest me. I have a particular horror of me on holiday in France. Fags on the table, bottle of wine and a pile of blubber. I will see if I can scan then and upload them to a gallery of shame, which will be very good for the soul.
You will all be pleased to know that I have got chronic cystitis once again. Ergh. I just hate the draining dragging and constant need to go to the loo, not to mention pain. So as I cant actually afford Oasis or Cystopurin as they are so bloody expensive and taste like that cranberry shit too... I bought a bottle of Potassium citrate. Exactly the same stuff but lemon flavour! YAY. This is much better and only £1.90 a bottle which will do me for ages. there must be at least 40 doses in that one bottle as opposed to 6 or something lame in the boxes of Oasis.
I mean what a rip off! I never heard of Potassium Citrate liquid!!! All these years and this is the first time someone went "what about a cheaper version?".
So, there we go.
Anyway, I am still 15stone 9 pounds (219lbs) as of this morning. I really want to get this moving now. I only have a couple of weeks before my brothers wedding, and I know that I wont be able to do much, but I will be able to do a couple of pounds and then spend the rest of the summer on track so that I look fabulous in September for the new term, which will also mean I have to get new clothes at last because my winter stuff will all be massive.
to gain inspiration I am looking through old photo albums and having a look at the fattest me. I have a particular horror of me on holiday in France. Fags on the table, bottle of wine and a pile of blubber. I will see if I can scan then and upload them to a gallery of shame, which will be very good for the soul.
You will all be pleased to know that I have got chronic cystitis once again. Ergh. I just hate the draining dragging and constant need to go to the loo, not to mention pain. So as I cant actually afford Oasis or Cystopurin as they are so bloody expensive and taste like that cranberry shit too... I bought a bottle of Potassium citrate. Exactly the same stuff but lemon flavour! YAY. This is much better and only £1.90 a bottle which will do me for ages. there must be at least 40 doses in that one bottle as opposed to 6 or something lame in the boxes of Oasis.
I mean what a rip off! I never heard of Potassium Citrate liquid!!! All these years and this is the first time someone went "what about a cheaper version?".
So, there we go.
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Day two of no wine
OMG, I was seriously fancying a glass of vino last night. That's completely worrying isn't it! Thankfully the urge lasted about as long as my old diets, and coffee did the trick.
Yesterday was not a bad day. I didn't eat anything until lunch time when I had some clear chicken broth that Csilla made on Sunday. In the evening we had a BBQ. I did Frikadellen and bratwurst, salad and a jacket potato. I managed 2/3rd of a frik, 1/4 jacket potato, 1/2 bratwurst and a little salad. I was last to finish, but didn't have to puke.
I was naughty though as I did have some ice cream. Eismann came yesterday and I bought some Big Cheesecake Mary Lou ice creams... MMMMmmmmm. So, oops, but there we go. Not bad when your not having anything else.
Today, I decided to sell my MG. I have put it on eBay. I was going to do a swap at a garage for a Peugeot. Yesterday everything looked great, but today, the car didn't look so hot as it had yesterday and I noticed that it needed a new front headlamp, and it has been in a smash as the rear driver side door was completely new and re-sprayed. Also someone at one time or another had tried to break into it, so it was a bit bent on the door lock. Yesterday it was go. today it was Ummm... maybe not. So I went with the old guts and decided not to do it. Also I was going to be losing about 2K on my MG doing a swap, so I am chancing it on eBay.
However, this means that I shall shortly be looking for a new car to buy. I want it to be newish, but either diesel or a small engine petrol. We shall see.
Today I had some rice and onion rings for lunch. Not a usual choice, but Csilla made it. Its doesn't seem to matter if you say "yes please" or "no thanks", you get it anyway. Its going to be sad when they move out on Friday, but at least we wont have to ingest a tonne of lard each day.
Been speaking to a fellow bandit, and I think that I am in the same place and possibly need an unfill. I really am not psychologically happy about that, because its gonna cost me £85 to have fluid out. Then what if I need some more back in? Another £85 and I haven't got it. I am so scared of having fluid out and being able to eat more, but on the other hand its doing me no good eating shit.
So, will have a good hard think about it. I think basically I either have to get more dedicated to mastication, or have an unfill.
Hmmm
Yesterday was not a bad day. I didn't eat anything until lunch time when I had some clear chicken broth that Csilla made on Sunday. In the evening we had a BBQ. I did Frikadellen and bratwurst, salad and a jacket potato. I managed 2/3rd of a frik, 1/4 jacket potato, 1/2 bratwurst and a little salad. I was last to finish, but didn't have to puke.
I was naughty though as I did have some ice cream. Eismann came yesterday and I bought some Big Cheesecake Mary Lou ice creams... MMMMmmmmm. So, oops, but there we go. Not bad when your not having anything else.
Today, I decided to sell my MG. I have put it on eBay. I was going to do a swap at a garage for a Peugeot. Yesterday everything looked great, but today, the car didn't look so hot as it had yesterday and I noticed that it needed a new front headlamp, and it has been in a smash as the rear driver side door was completely new and re-sprayed. Also someone at one time or another had tried to break into it, so it was a bit bent on the door lock. Yesterday it was go. today it was Ummm... maybe not. So I went with the old guts and decided not to do it. Also I was going to be losing about 2K on my MG doing a swap, so I am chancing it on eBay.
However, this means that I shall shortly be looking for a new car to buy. I want it to be newish, but either diesel or a small engine petrol. We shall see.
Today I had some rice and onion rings for lunch. Not a usual choice, but Csilla made it. Its doesn't seem to matter if you say "yes please" or "no thanks", you get it anyway. Its going to be sad when they move out on Friday, but at least we wont have to ingest a tonne of lard each day.
Been speaking to a fellow bandit, and I think that I am in the same place and possibly need an unfill. I really am not psychologically happy about that, because its gonna cost me £85 to have fluid out. Then what if I need some more back in? Another £85 and I haven't got it. I am so scared of having fluid out and being able to eat more, but on the other hand its doing me no good eating shit.
So, will have a good hard think about it. I think basically I either have to get more dedicated to mastication, or have an unfill.
Hmmm
Monday, 21 July 2008
Stale mate
I really thank you for you comments, and I totally agree. I am back in the whole "its easier to stay as things are" phase again.
I haven't put on weight this week, nor have I gained any thank God. I deserve to though. I have had numerous bottles of wine, including the sweet Tokaj wine from Hungary which I love and a whole bar of cadburys dairy milk and sweets and crisps galore.
What I need to do is get into a routine. I don't have a food that I can routinely eat and not be ill with, but this week I have had a lot less problems with HMS'ing.
I have had to HMS twice, no, three times that I can remember. 2 were yesterday. I had one of those snack pots like Philadelphia with bread sticks but it was actually french toast and tomato salsa and cheese or something which they called a Brushetta Snack. I would use that phrase loosely to be honest, but I followed just 1 'brushetta' with a mouthful of pesto pasta ad it sat there and I had to get rid of it. Then yesterday evening we had a massive meal cooked by the Hungarian section of the family - chicken soup followed by breaded meat filled pancakes with herb potatoes followed by Bakewell tart made by Sue. Wow, there was no way I could eat all that. I had the soup which was thin chicken stock basically with little bits of pasta floating in it, then I had half a pancake and 1/4 of a potato. Then I had to HMS. Then I had a spoonful of custard and a taste on the tip of my tongue of bakewell tart. That was yesterday.
I find that in the morning I cant eat anything to be honest. If I do, it just gives me grief with burping and that heavy stuck feeling on my chest. Lunch I can usually manage something like soup or dairylea dunkers eaten slowly or a little pasta with a wet sauce. Dinner I can do. I cant do much of it, but I can at least do it.
What I am trying to do is eat too much. I don't need a fill, I just need to forget the way I used to and want to eat. Its impossible and just makes me miserable. If I struggle to eat all day, by the end of the day I ALWAYS will have something foodie to make myself feel better like wine, or chocolate or ice cream, and this has got to stop.
I figure that if I stop trying to be a fucking idiot and eat what I know I CAN eat, then by the evening I will feel good about the days eating and not feel like I want to have a sugar fest.
This week, I am going to make a concerted effort to just eat what I know I can and not be a prick and try and eat a whole pancake or even a half! I had to admit that I am writing this revelation as I am chocking on a bite of gluten free pancake made by DS and Lili the Hungarian. They wanted me to try their master piece, and I regret it. So I am going to HMS and then just go with the flow. I am also not going to have wine until my brothers wedding as I expect that I will lost 2 dress sizes just cutting out that crap.
I am under no stress now, work has finished for the summer hols and I am at home all day doing what I love best... nothing! So I am going to get my head together and work my arse off to make sure that next summer I am a scrawny bint.
I haven't put on weight this week, nor have I gained any thank God. I deserve to though. I have had numerous bottles of wine, including the sweet Tokaj wine from Hungary which I love and a whole bar of cadburys dairy milk and sweets and crisps galore.
What I need to do is get into a routine. I don't have a food that I can routinely eat and not be ill with, but this week I have had a lot less problems with HMS'ing.
I have had to HMS twice, no, three times that I can remember. 2 were yesterday. I had one of those snack pots like Philadelphia with bread sticks but it was actually french toast and tomato salsa and cheese or something which they called a Brushetta Snack. I would use that phrase loosely to be honest, but I followed just 1 'brushetta' with a mouthful of pesto pasta ad it sat there and I had to get rid of it. Then yesterday evening we had a massive meal cooked by the Hungarian section of the family - chicken soup followed by breaded meat filled pancakes with herb potatoes followed by Bakewell tart made by Sue. Wow, there was no way I could eat all that. I had the soup which was thin chicken stock basically with little bits of pasta floating in it, then I had half a pancake and 1/4 of a potato. Then I had to HMS. Then I had a spoonful of custard and a taste on the tip of my tongue of bakewell tart. That was yesterday.
I find that in the morning I cant eat anything to be honest. If I do, it just gives me grief with burping and that heavy stuck feeling on my chest. Lunch I can usually manage something like soup or dairylea dunkers eaten slowly or a little pasta with a wet sauce. Dinner I can do. I cant do much of it, but I can at least do it.
What I am trying to do is eat too much. I don't need a fill, I just need to forget the way I used to and want to eat. Its impossible and just makes me miserable. If I struggle to eat all day, by the end of the day I ALWAYS will have something foodie to make myself feel better like wine, or chocolate or ice cream, and this has got to stop.
I figure that if I stop trying to be a fucking idiot and eat what I know I CAN eat, then by the evening I will feel good about the days eating and not feel like I want to have a sugar fest.
This week, I am going to make a concerted effort to just eat what I know I can and not be a prick and try and eat a whole pancake or even a half! I had to admit that I am writing this revelation as I am chocking on a bite of gluten free pancake made by DS and Lili the Hungarian. They wanted me to try their master piece, and I regret it. So I am going to HMS and then just go with the flow. I am also not going to have wine until my brothers wedding as I expect that I will lost 2 dress sizes just cutting out that crap.
I am under no stress now, work has finished for the summer hols and I am at home all day doing what I love best... nothing! So I am going to get my head together and work my arse off to make sure that next summer I am a scrawny bint.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
I have hit the wall
I have dreams about NOT having my band. I dream I can eat whatever I want and I can eat it quickly. Donuts especially.
I am in a real mess guys. I have no will power left and all I can think about is BLOODY FOOD.
I don't need it... I WANT it. I just keep wanting something tasty, something savory, something sweet... just anything.
I need some advice to help me psychologically about this as its my mind doing overtime.
Here are some things that I think are niggling me and making me want food:
Money - just worried non specifically about not having enough really
My pupils exam results - especially a grade 8 student
Finishing work for the summer - on Saturday I wrap up for the year... which also brings us back to money or the lack of for 6 weeks.
DS's home education - next year its year 5 work. VERY worried about his handwriting.
My brothers wedding on 9th August and what I will look like, feel like and who I will be seen by (eg B'hurst People from school who I haven't seen for years and who last saw me at 9 stone something and don't want to look like a fat gone to pot, let myself go mother - which indeed I am!)
About the amount of people in the house - 8! Us three and Sue, Lotse, Csilla, Lilli and Trish and the fact that people are living on our drive in a caravan for heavens sake and we only have 1 loo in the whole house!
My hair. It's awful.
Theres a starter for you... come on then, sort me out.
I am in a real mess guys. I have no will power left and all I can think about is BLOODY FOOD.
I don't need it... I WANT it. I just keep wanting something tasty, something savory, something sweet... just anything.
I need some advice to help me psychologically about this as its my mind doing overtime.
Here are some things that I think are niggling me and making me want food:
Money - just worried non specifically about not having enough really
My pupils exam results - especially a grade 8 student
Finishing work for the summer - on Saturday I wrap up for the year... which also brings us back to money or the lack of for 6 weeks.
DS's home education - next year its year 5 work. VERY worried about his handwriting.
My brothers wedding on 9th August and what I will look like, feel like and who I will be seen by (eg B'hurst People from school who I haven't seen for years and who last saw me at 9 stone something and don't want to look like a fat gone to pot, let myself go mother - which indeed I am!)
About the amount of people in the house - 8! Us three and Sue, Lotse, Csilla, Lilli and Trish and the fact that people are living on our drive in a caravan for heavens sake and we only have 1 loo in the whole house!
My hair. It's awful.
Theres a starter for you... come on then, sort me out.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Sorry to have been A.W.O.L.
Man, so much has been going on, and I have also had a new graphics card installed into my PC meaning I can at last play Sims2 YEAH! which is taking up and incredible amount of time... who knew I was that tragic huh?
Well, since being home I have managed to shift another bit of the holiday flab. I am now 15 stone 8 and a half pounds (218.5lbs) so a my tracker bar says up the top that's 33.5 pounds lost totally.
I have been having a seriously hard time since getting back. Eating has been a complete pain in the arse. Its just so annoying. The other totally annoying thing is that you CAN eat a load of shit like crisps, sweets and ice cream and wine. Great.
So I have been pretty good considering I can eat all that junk but have chosen not to.
So my Dad's cancer... Its all gone apparently so that's cool, but he went to see them on Friday and was hoping he would get a date for his colostomy reversal operation and that it could all be done before my brothers wedding on the 9th August. Sadly no. Its gonna be another couple of months yet. His MRSA has still not entirely healed up and its still weeping from the wound occasionally, so they wont even touch him if that's still there. So he was proper upset. Didn't help things that on Saturday I have my first Piano concert and recital for all my pupils. It was posh dress etc (pic of me and DS playing Darth Vader's Imperial March above on a wonderful grand piano!). Just after the concert finished my dads bag came apart. Its so ironic. they give him a new type of bag that will be easier to deal with and he can hopefully kind of forget about having it, and then it goes and breaks. Not leaks... breaks! Can you believe it? So they change it and its all a bit rubbish for him and stuff, but they deal with it.
We got home and we were just off to bed when Mum came dashing in saying the new bag had broken too! What?!?! We looked at the 3rd bag they brought just in case and it came apart in my hands. Poor Dad. So we had to phone the hospital and they sent the district nurse out. We had all had wine and beer, and none of us could drive so we had to sit and wait for her to come and she didn't get here till 3am. Bless her for it though as otherwise we would have had to tape a plastic bag to him!
Its not the cancer that is the problem with him, its the horrible side effects of the surgery. I mean, the last thing you want is a dodgy batch of bags on top of cancer and MRSA right? Jeeez.
Today he is back at the hospital to have the result of the biopsy on his tongue. He has an inch and a half chopped out of that the other week, so hopefully that will be good news. I don't think I can deal with any more. They seemed to think its a benign tumour, but who knows until you get down and test the thing right?
So the mill has been grinding for all of us rather a lot recently.
The concert went really well even though I was shitting myself. I played Bach's prelude in C Major and my sister played Gounod's Ave Maria on the cello as a duet and it was fabulous.
All my pupils played their bits so well and it was just wonderful.
So today I am back on track and I am going to try and have a good weight loss week. My bro's wedding is in 4 weeks, so I am going to try and at least be at my lowest weight again for that... which is 15 st 6 I think. Totally do-able.
laterz
Monday, 30 June 2008
Had 3 meals today!
For breakfast I had half a pancake.
For lunch I had some Hungarian 'Gnoccedly' and 'Perkerd'. Y U M! I have absolutely NO idea how to spell these, so they are phonetic versions of what we were served up. Gnoccedly is a kind of homemade pasta put through a utensil that looks like a blunt cheese grater straight into boiling water. The result is a kind of pasta that looks like mini cumulus clouds... like the italian Gnocci but smaller and very tasty. This is then covered in this stuff called 'Perkerd'. Its chicken drumsticks cooked in an onion puree with pepper and paprika, tomato and sour cream sauce. Its wonderful. I managed a bowl of the pasta and a little of the sauce on it. I didn't even bother with the chicken.
For dinner I had a full Sunday Roast. 1 sprig of broccoli, 1 spoon carrots, 1/2 slice beef, 1/2 roast potato and a Yorkshire pudding smothered in gravy and horseradish served up on a tea plate. It was delish!
For lunch I had some Hungarian 'Gnoccedly' and 'Perkerd'. Y U M! I have absolutely NO idea how to spell these, so they are phonetic versions of what we were served up. Gnoccedly is a kind of homemade pasta put through a utensil that looks like a blunt cheese grater straight into boiling water. The result is a kind of pasta that looks like mini cumulus clouds... like the italian Gnocci but smaller and very tasty. This is then covered in this stuff called 'Perkerd'. Its chicken drumsticks cooked in an onion puree with pepper and paprika, tomato and sour cream sauce. Its wonderful. I managed a bowl of the pasta and a little of the sauce on it. I didn't even bother with the chicken.
For dinner I had a full Sunday Roast. 1 sprig of broccoli, 1 spoon carrots, 1/2 slice beef, 1/2 roast potato and a Yorkshire pudding smothered in gravy and horseradish served up on a tea plate. It was delish!
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Wow, how tight am I?
Rather a loaded title, but you guys know what I mean!
had a couple of depressing food days.
Where are we... Thursday? Ok... well I will start with Tuesday then. It was really random and I must admit that I had a few thoughts about band slippage because it was so weird...
I don't think I ate anything all morning, and at lunch I had a couple of salami slices and half a slice of bread and butter. At about 3:30 I went off to work, and I was feeling mighty dodgy. I was sick at my pupils house... this was induced sickness rather than spontaneous. I am going to have to invent some word for this. Its not a pb. I hate that phrase too. I don't get pb's in the true sense of what they mean - productive burps. I get an elephant standing on my chest and have to induce vomiting. Then I feel better.
Ok... I am gonna call it HMS - as in Had to Make myself Sick
So, I HMS, and came home feeling a bit woozy. I really needed sugar ad I had that whole tremor thing going on. So I bought chocolate. 3 bars for £1 (bargain). Ate a couple of squares of Dairy Milk and then had to be sick at the side of my car in the village High Street. Nice. Then I went home. I felt terrible. It felt like I had swallowed a golf ball... but it was UNDER my band. It was like there was some massive thing I needed to throw up that was stuck under my band. It was voice changing, mucus producing, sweat beading-ly horrible. I was belching and grunting over the bathroom sink and spitting foam whilst DS phoned to cancel my pupils (which made me feel even better after having just been off for 2 weeks holiday!) But after about half an hour the belches subsided and I was exhausted. I went to lie down and slept until 7pm. I got up then and showed a new lodger around the room and decided that I was feeling remarkably well. How strange. I was still all shaky, so I drank some milk and then sucked the milky bar I had bought earlier. No problem. Then I cooked the dinner for everyone and laid the table and sat down to chilli con carne. There was NO way I could eat that in a million years. I had a few mouthfuls but knew immediately I had to HMS. I should have just not bothered, but I was hungry man! So I thought stuff food, and just drank juice. Later in the evening I had some of the left over bread and butter pudding that I had also made for the brood. This was nice because it was soggy and gooey and slipped down a treat. The shakes subsided and that brought Tuesday to an end. So Tuesdays food consisted of a bit of bread, a slice of salami, 1 chocolate bar and a serving of bread and butter pudding. Crap.
Yesterday? Well it was not too different to be honest, but at least I didn't have the whole "I am gonna chuck my band up through its own stoma" problem.
I got up and decided to have a banana. However, the band decided that this was SO not going to happen, and I managed 1 bite. I waited 30 minutes and then was able to drink a couple of sips of coffee. I was dying of thirst, but I just could do it. We went into town and booked a hall for my concert on the 5th July, and then it was only after maybe 2 or so hours had passed since the banana mystery that I finally drank my cold coffee and a bottle of water to boot. I have a habit of taking my coffee with me in the car because this kind of thing often happens, so it was dutifully waiting for me on our return from the shops.
Lunch ended up being the browning banana I had intended to eat for brekkie, as I wasn't that hungry and couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Then I cooked Puttanesca sauce ready for when I got home from work. and off I toddled. I did a full schedule of lessons and drank 1 cup of tea all afternoon, and when I got home I was starving. I fired up the burners under the pasta and then gathered the masses to feeding time. I managed the most POXY portion. It was about 6 quills of pasta and sauce and then a quick HMS and a 30 minute wait followed by 1 more quill and an olive. Rubbish. But I was satiated which is always the oddest thing to get my head around. It just doesn't seem real to be able to get so full on so little food. I MUST get used to this as this is I think the crux of any weightloss problems I have post banding.
So that was dinner and then about 10pm, I was peckish and I had a few slices of salami whilst playing Sims 2. I took a pint of orange juice to bed with me, and that was yesterday. Banana, pasta, Salami and juice.
Today I am feeling tight too. I knew when I rolled out of bed. I swallowed the last of the orange juice that I took to bed with me, and could 'feel' it. That's always a sure sign that there is absolutely No point whatsoever in bothering with breakfast as its a fight that I will not win.
So, shall update later, but that's it right now. Feeling in need of food big time. It seems a long time since I had a full meal, and I really really miss it. Its the swallowing part I miss most. To swallow a big mouthful just once more, would be really nice.
had a couple of depressing food days.
Where are we... Thursday? Ok... well I will start with Tuesday then. It was really random and I must admit that I had a few thoughts about band slippage because it was so weird...
I don't think I ate anything all morning, and at lunch I had a couple of salami slices and half a slice of bread and butter. At about 3:30 I went off to work, and I was feeling mighty dodgy. I was sick at my pupils house... this was induced sickness rather than spontaneous. I am going to have to invent some word for this. Its not a pb. I hate that phrase too. I don't get pb's in the true sense of what they mean - productive burps. I get an elephant standing on my chest and have to induce vomiting. Then I feel better.
Ok... I am gonna call it HMS - as in Had to Make myself Sick
So, I HMS, and came home feeling a bit woozy. I really needed sugar ad I had that whole tremor thing going on. So I bought chocolate. 3 bars for £1 (bargain). Ate a couple of squares of Dairy Milk and then had to be sick at the side of my car in the village High Street. Nice. Then I went home. I felt terrible. It felt like I had swallowed a golf ball... but it was UNDER my band. It was like there was some massive thing I needed to throw up that was stuck under my band. It was voice changing, mucus producing, sweat beading-ly horrible. I was belching and grunting over the bathroom sink and spitting foam whilst DS phoned to cancel my pupils (which made me feel even better after having just been off for 2 weeks holiday!) But after about half an hour the belches subsided and I was exhausted. I went to lie down and slept until 7pm. I got up then and showed a new lodger around the room and decided that I was feeling remarkably well. How strange. I was still all shaky, so I drank some milk and then sucked the milky bar I had bought earlier. No problem. Then I cooked the dinner for everyone and laid the table and sat down to chilli con carne. There was NO way I could eat that in a million years. I had a few mouthfuls but knew immediately I had to HMS. I should have just not bothered, but I was hungry man! So I thought stuff food, and just drank juice. Later in the evening I had some of the left over bread and butter pudding that I had also made for the brood. This was nice because it was soggy and gooey and slipped down a treat. The shakes subsided and that brought Tuesday to an end. So Tuesdays food consisted of a bit of bread, a slice of salami, 1 chocolate bar and a serving of bread and butter pudding. Crap.
Yesterday? Well it was not too different to be honest, but at least I didn't have the whole "I am gonna chuck my band up through its own stoma" problem.
I got up and decided to have a banana. However, the band decided that this was SO not going to happen, and I managed 1 bite. I waited 30 minutes and then was able to drink a couple of sips of coffee. I was dying of thirst, but I just could do it. We went into town and booked a hall for my concert on the 5th July, and then it was only after maybe 2 or so hours had passed since the banana mystery that I finally drank my cold coffee and a bottle of water to boot. I have a habit of taking my coffee with me in the car because this kind of thing often happens, so it was dutifully waiting for me on our return from the shops.
Lunch ended up being the browning banana I had intended to eat for brekkie, as I wasn't that hungry and couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Then I cooked Puttanesca sauce ready for when I got home from work. and off I toddled. I did a full schedule of lessons and drank 1 cup of tea all afternoon, and when I got home I was starving. I fired up the burners under the pasta and then gathered the masses to feeding time. I managed the most POXY portion. It was about 6 quills of pasta and sauce and then a quick HMS and a 30 minute wait followed by 1 more quill and an olive. Rubbish. But I was satiated which is always the oddest thing to get my head around. It just doesn't seem real to be able to get so full on so little food. I MUST get used to this as this is I think the crux of any weightloss problems I have post banding.
So that was dinner and then about 10pm, I was peckish and I had a few slices of salami whilst playing Sims 2. I took a pint of orange juice to bed with me, and that was yesterday. Banana, pasta, Salami and juice.
Today I am feeling tight too. I knew when I rolled out of bed. I swallowed the last of the orange juice that I took to bed with me, and could 'feel' it. That's always a sure sign that there is absolutely No point whatsoever in bothering with breakfast as its a fight that I will not win.
So, shall update later, but that's it right now. Feeling in need of food big time. It seems a long time since I had a full meal, and I really really miss it. Its the swallowing part I miss most. To swallow a big mouthful just once more, would be really nice.
** The Update**
I am a little bit concerned to be fair... I have been able to eat nothing today. I didn't bother with breakfast as I said, and lunch came and went without me noticing it. Then I made a quiche for tonight's dinner, and went off to work. I was at my pupils house where they always give me food and today they had laid on 2 MASSIVE chunks of french bread with butter and jam and a chocolate bar from Thorntons! Phew. So I took a nice bite and as she left, and as soon as my pupils back was turned, I wrapped one of the slabs of bread and jam in the napkin and stuffed it in my bag. All was ok until I tried at the end of the lesson to quickly down the tea she had made and I knew I wasn't going to make it. I got out of the house and into the car, drove a little way down the road and HMS'd on the road.
Then I did another lesson and then went to the meeting and on the way to the meeting started eating the chocolate bar figuring that it wa nearly 7pm and I haven't eaten all day. Soon as I got to the meeting I HMS'd in the toilet. I am now at home, HMS'ing into the sink after having one of DS's crisps.
I know that all the stuff I am managing to eat is junk. This is half the reason I am trying to eat it, because I actually thought it would go down considering it always has before. I also know there is absolutely no point this side of tomorrow that I could eat anything approaching vegetable or meat based in solid form.
So, here ends yet another day of shit eating, shit eating habits and shitty vomiting and feeling... Shit.
Frankly I don't know what to do. shall I go on liquids for a couple of days or should I just persevere with food? I can at least drink, so I am making sure that I do. I have also been taking my berroca religiously because of this rubbish.
Anyone else ever had this problem? Am I too tight? - and if so... how is that possible since my last fill was ages ago?
Wow, I just don't know what to do. I feel like crying to be honest. I cant console myself in anything that will comfort me. I cant even eat goddamn chocolate!
Monday, 23 June 2008
having a seriously tight day... just when I dont want to
I really want to eat.
Really really really badly!
I went to fat fighters this morning and surveyed the damage I did to my holiday weight gain... 15 stone 9 pounds. Excellent. That's 2 pounds of the gain down the bog.
I took a banana for me and TB to eat after the weigh in, but I managed 1 bite and had to chuck the rest. Half way home I had to stop mid-roadway and puke it up.
Lunch - grabbed some of last nights risotto and some smoked salmon I had in the fridge. Had 2 mouthfuls when Lotse announced that lunch was ready. Gulp. I was already full and about to be sick. I had seen the ominous cauldron bubbling on the stove, but assumed that it was a massive stew for his gigantic appetite and his wife to share. Wrong. His wife made us traditional Hungarian Goulash (pronounced Goo-yash) which we HAD to eat. Double Gulp.
DH said "Quick... go throw that up so you can get a bowl of this down you" and as it would happen that is what I was going to have to do anyway, Goulash or not. so I threw up my 2 spoons of risotto and it had such an air pocket behind it where I must have gulped it down or something, that it actually Hit the sink at the speed of light and pebble-dashed the wall. Great.
My goodness, no wonder I felt as if I had a stone down my gullet. I have never had that before, but it was like a big bubble of air trapped behind a bolus of food. Proper horrid anyway.
So, I sat down to (thankfully) some goulash which I could eat as the soup is very thin and I just left the veg in the bowl. I got away with it thankfully.
I went to work, and have not had any dinner yet... I am just debating what it will be. I had a couple of DS's Jelly beans that my sister gave to him for dreaming up her new website name. They are sitting in there right now, so although I want to stuff my face with chocolates and stuff because I am having PMT from hell and back, I cant.
Really really really badly!
I went to fat fighters this morning and surveyed the damage I did to my holiday weight gain... 15 stone 9 pounds. Excellent. That's 2 pounds of the gain down the bog.
I took a banana for me and TB to eat after the weigh in, but I managed 1 bite and had to chuck the rest. Half way home I had to stop mid-roadway and puke it up.
Lunch - grabbed some of last nights risotto and some smoked salmon I had in the fridge. Had 2 mouthfuls when Lotse announced that lunch was ready. Gulp. I was already full and about to be sick. I had seen the ominous cauldron bubbling on the stove, but assumed that it was a massive stew for his gigantic appetite and his wife to share. Wrong. His wife made us traditional Hungarian Goulash (pronounced Goo-yash) which we HAD to eat. Double Gulp.
DH said "Quick... go throw that up so you can get a bowl of this down you" and as it would happen that is what I was going to have to do anyway, Goulash or not. so I threw up my 2 spoons of risotto and it had such an air pocket behind it where I must have gulped it down or something, that it actually Hit the sink at the speed of light and pebble-dashed the wall. Great.
My goodness, no wonder I felt as if I had a stone down my gullet. I have never had that before, but it was like a big bubble of air trapped behind a bolus of food. Proper horrid anyway.
So, I sat down to (thankfully) some goulash which I could eat as the soup is very thin and I just left the veg in the bowl. I got away with it thankfully.
I went to work, and have not had any dinner yet... I am just debating what it will be. I had a couple of DS's Jelly beans that my sister gave to him for dreaming up her new website name. They are sitting in there right now, so although I want to stuff my face with chocolates and stuff because I am having PMT from hell and back, I cant.
Friday, 20 June 2008
I am back
and I came home with a little bit more of me that what I went with!
I had an ace time in Malta. It was really lovely and relaxing. Even though we only got home yesterday evening it seems like we have never been away... except for the washing and the size of the kittens! They are massive now. they are also weaned and using the litter tray I think... I haven't seen any evidence of them using the tray, but there is no other evidence if you know what I mean!! HA HA.
So I now weigh 15 stone 11 pounds this morning. I am SO pleased that I didn't get back to 16 stone. I would have died if I had been out of the 15 stones and back up into the 16's. that would have made me eat some serious chocolate!
So back to normal without 15 vodka and lemonades, crisps, burgers and all kinds of ice cream sweets and crap... hopefully I will lose a few this week.
5 pounds is a bit of a brutal amount to put on, but I am not surprised. It was down to drink and ice cream because I didn't eat all that much. I didn't have too many pukes and no bad chokes at all. The first few days in Malta were difficult as the band was SUPER TIGHT. Honestly, it was like an over enthusiastic straitjacket, and I managed to eat barely nothing, so I made sure I drank plenty. All the lemonade was 'full fat' and I let it go nice and flat and drank that, orange juice, which in fact was more like sunny delight... so I guess really sugar loaded, wine, vodka and lots of cappuccino and of course bottle water too. I hate flat coke, so the only diet drink that I could have had I don't like and refuse to drink.
Whilst there I found an excellent breakfast was (in this order):
2 small glasses of orange juice (Sunny D style)
2 espresso's with cold milk (I use espresso in the loosest possible terms!)
1 slice of nimble style bread and butter with
3 slices of salami (Danish style).
Lunch:
anywhere between 2 bites and a whole burger
anywhere between 2 bites and a whole burger
or a packet of crisps
Dinner:
anything from 3 calamari to a whole plate of ratatouille
if its wet I can eat it... ratatouille or veg with gravy or mash potato with gravy etc.
if its dry I can eat a bit - palm of the hand size.
Meat seems to be a bit of a no no unless I eat it with some kind of vegetable in the same mouthful. A mouthful now-a-days is about the size of a prawn or 6 peas.
So there we go. All terribly interesting I am sure!
I will take a new photo when I get a bit lower and post it on. Meanwhile you can check out this claim to fame photo of me and DS with Glynn from Big Brother 2006. He was staying in our hotel with his Mum and Dad. Lovely lad.
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
See ya'll later
I am off on holiday this evening. Its been a mad crazy week in my life, so sorry about not blogging before now, and sorry that this post is short! Getting ready for utter relaxation takes it out of one!
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
A lovely UTI.
My cystitis has turned into a lovely Urinary tract infection. Geez, its terrible. Normally cystopurin or oasis sorts it out, but today I had to go to the doctor. I couldn't handle it any more. On top of that, The red team is playing at home too and I was about to chop my lower body off. So I have cefalexin to take 4 times a day. I hope they work quickly!
today was our little slimming world jaunt. I put on a pound this week, no surprise there. I always do around this time. Doesn't seem to matter what I do, I always gain. So I am not recording it, or feeling bad about it because I have eaten bugger all all week and know I haven't 'really' put on a pound. Next week will show up the loss. Pisses me off though.
I haven't eaten anything all day as I feel so crud. better go and prepare some tea or something.
today was our little slimming world jaunt. I put on a pound this week, no surprise there. I always do around this time. Doesn't seem to matter what I do, I always gain. So I am not recording it, or feeling bad about it because I have eaten bugger all all week and know I haven't 'really' put on a pound. Next week will show up the loss. Pisses me off though.
I haven't eaten anything all day as I feel so crud. better go and prepare some tea or something.
Saturday, 24 May 2008
Yesterday, today
I wasn't feeling too hot yesterday for some reason. I got up and nearly trod on one of our new kittens because they are now under our bed... and moving around too!
We had to do a tesco run for really random things like Salad Cream and pegs, shake and vac and black trousers. The most unconnected shopping list that ever was.
I had a mother of a headache by the time we got home, and the air was really heavy and full of storm... not that we had one though. We went to TB's house to sort her computer out again and then came home. I really wanted to go to sleep but time got away from me. I went to work and bought a bottle of red on the way home and ordered a curry. Its not good really, because I can eat a curry, easily. As long as I make sure I chew those prawns, then it slips down a treat. Rice is no problem for me covered in sauce!
I was all on my own, eating curry and chilling on the sofa watching telly. It was great. DS was in a show so DH and his Mum had taken him to do that for the evening, and as I had to work I couldn't get back in time for it. It made a change to have the whole house to myself... well nearly. Sue was upstairs in bed as she is not well at the moment, but Laszlo was out truck driving. All calm and quiet.
I was really tired by the time DH, DS and Granny got home, and I just wanted to go to bed. So thats what I did. I crawled into bed with a copy of OK and had a good read.
I don't think I ate anything else yesterday apart from the bottle of wine, curry and few crackers and humous at lunch...
Nothing much to report really.
Ho hum.
We had to do a tesco run for really random things like Salad Cream and pegs, shake and vac and black trousers. The most unconnected shopping list that ever was.
I had a mother of a headache by the time we got home, and the air was really heavy and full of storm... not that we had one though. We went to TB's house to sort her computer out again and then came home. I really wanted to go to sleep but time got away from me. I went to work and bought a bottle of red on the way home and ordered a curry. Its not good really, because I can eat a curry, easily. As long as I make sure I chew those prawns, then it slips down a treat. Rice is no problem for me covered in sauce!
I was all on my own, eating curry and chilling on the sofa watching telly. It was great. DS was in a show so DH and his Mum had taken him to do that for the evening, and as I had to work I couldn't get back in time for it. It made a change to have the whole house to myself... well nearly. Sue was upstairs in bed as she is not well at the moment, but Laszlo was out truck driving. All calm and quiet.
I was really tired by the time DH, DS and Granny got home, and I just wanted to go to bed. So thats what I did. I crawled into bed with a copy of OK and had a good read.
I don't think I ate anything else yesterday apart from the bottle of wine, curry and few crackers and humous at lunch...
Nothing much to report really.
Ho hum.
Thursday, 22 May 2008
I hate cystitis...
...well at least I think that's what it is. I just get this terrible pain when I get stressed, and lets face it, its been a touch stressful around here these last few weeks.
So I am taking that horrible cranberry flavour salt drink made by canesten... Oasis? I think that's it. It certainly does the job, but I have run out, so am feeling a bit miserable.
Today has been quite good. Food wise, I was hungry when I woke up but after drinking my Berroca I was full again and didn't think about food until about 11:30 when I had a banana.
I had to go out this evening after work, so I knew I would not get dinner until late so I made a slice of toast, bunged some tinned chopped tomato and grated cheese on top and had that for lunch at about 3:30. DS was eating humous after finishing his several slices, piles of tomato and cheese combination as he was still peckish and I dived in aswell with 2 finn crisps and a couple of scrapes of humous.
So today's cals have been higher than of late at 760. I feel hungry now and I am going to have a lasagne that I defrosted this afternoon. I made it myself from scratch, so I don't know how many cals it has... but I have realised that as long as I eat only when I am hungry, and stay away from the BAD junk, then it doesn't really matter what the calorie value is. I like writing what I ate down, because I think it could help someone else thinking about the band, or with a band who wonders when they are at their sweet spot, but I think keeping track of all the cals gets me down if I do it every day. Its good now and again, and I haven't logged cals for a week or so on the daily plate, and I feel liberated.
I think to be honest I am there... I feel good, eat little, don't crave snacks and am losing weight. Sounds like my sweet place to me!
So I am taking that horrible cranberry flavour salt drink made by canesten... Oasis? I think that's it. It certainly does the job, but I have run out, so am feeling a bit miserable.
Today has been quite good. Food wise, I was hungry when I woke up but after drinking my Berroca I was full again and didn't think about food until about 11:30 when I had a banana.
I had to go out this evening after work, so I knew I would not get dinner until late so I made a slice of toast, bunged some tinned chopped tomato and grated cheese on top and had that for lunch at about 3:30. DS was eating humous after finishing his several slices, piles of tomato and cheese combination as he was still peckish and I dived in aswell with 2 finn crisps and a couple of scrapes of humous.
So today's cals have been higher than of late at 760. I feel hungry now and I am going to have a lasagne that I defrosted this afternoon. I made it myself from scratch, so I don't know how many cals it has... but I have realised that as long as I eat only when I am hungry, and stay away from the BAD junk, then it doesn't really matter what the calorie value is. I like writing what I ate down, because I think it could help someone else thinking about the band, or with a band who wonders when they are at their sweet spot, but I think keeping track of all the cals gets me down if I do it every day. Its good now and again, and I haven't logged cals for a week or so on the daily plate, and I feel liberated.
I think to be honest I am there... I feel good, eat little, don't crave snacks and am losing weight. Sounds like my sweet place to me!
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
If you are Fat and you haven't got a Lap Band then GET ONE!
BRUGGE - FEB, 2007
MAY 2008 36 pounds lighterOh man I LOOOOOOOVE the lap band.
Seriously, we have been through rough times me and my silicone friend, but I am just 'luvin it, luvin it, luvin it right now!
It is ONE YEAR to the day that my Lap Band Broke (See May 2007 posts).
I am also 11 pounds lighter than I was this time last year. I am in a seriously cool place. Trust me, it messes with your head having a lap band break on you, but OMG is it worth it. HELL YEAH!
I cannot believe that I am 15 stone something. That is totally awesome. I feel bright, energised and happy. I had my hair done today to celebrate the fact that my band IS working, and I feel young and vibrant and great.
I am wearing a pair of trousers and a top I bought last year before Sri Lanka, and obviously never got to wear them. Well this summer I fit into them perfectly. 3 weeks ago I couldn't do them up! Now they fit comfy... like they actually FIT! Wow. I feel so great about myself now, in a well deserved way, not an arrogant way. I just feel really pleased that something I did has finally gone right, and its making me feel a whole lot better.
THEN
NOW
RIGHT NOW!!
Today's food diary read thus:
1 banana
1 jacket potato (small) with curry sauce
2 chocolate yoghurts
That's all folk's!
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Daylight Robbery and the Judas Kiss
Today we found that the cheque Spelman had paid us bounced.
What a low life.
The guy came here, wasted another hour in my life with his inane chatter about bog all, which I only tolerated because he was going to finally cough up my husbands wages, then takes his stock back (several thousand pounds worth) then shakes my hand and gives me a kiss on the cheek "no hard feelings".
A week later the cheque has bounced and the bastard has all his stock back. He is supposed to be a millionaire. Money here there and everywhere. I have never clapped eyes on such a down and out millionaire in my life. He drives a poxy L reg car with rust and dents. He wears cheap shiny well worn Farah slacks and plastic shoes and a shirt - no tie. If he is a millionaire, then I am a monkey's fucking uncle.
I never liked the guy from the moment I met him. 10 minutes in his company and you just KNOW that the whole evening is going to governed by him and a waste of at least 5 hours talking about him and his and how great hes got it.
The guy holidays in Ibiza for god's sake. Tragic.
Food diary:
2 Finn Crisp slim crackers with garlic and herb cheese spread. I made myself 3, but couldn't eat the last one. I used to eat a box of these in an afternoon no trouble.
several cups of Coffee
Tonight's dinner is going to be... Roast beef, carrots, roast potato and creamed leeks. Horseradish naturally, but no Yorkshire pud for me... not worth the vomiting.
I will let ya know how much I get through!
What a low life.
The guy came here, wasted another hour in my life with his inane chatter about bog all, which I only tolerated because he was going to finally cough up my husbands wages, then takes his stock back (several thousand pounds worth) then shakes my hand and gives me a kiss on the cheek "no hard feelings".
A week later the cheque has bounced and the bastard has all his stock back. He is supposed to be a millionaire. Money here there and everywhere. I have never clapped eyes on such a down and out millionaire in my life. He drives a poxy L reg car with rust and dents. He wears cheap shiny well worn Farah slacks and plastic shoes and a shirt - no tie. If he is a millionaire, then I am a monkey's fucking uncle.
I never liked the guy from the moment I met him. 10 minutes in his company and you just KNOW that the whole evening is going to governed by him and a waste of at least 5 hours talking about him and his and how great hes got it.
The guy holidays in Ibiza for god's sake. Tragic.
Food diary:
2 Finn Crisp slim crackers with garlic and herb cheese spread. I made myself 3, but couldn't eat the last one. I used to eat a box of these in an afternoon no trouble.
several cups of Coffee
Tonight's dinner is going to be... Roast beef, carrots, roast potato and creamed leeks. Horseradish naturally, but no Yorkshire pud for me... not worth the vomiting.
I will let ya know how much I get through!
Monday, 19 May 2008
Getting VERY excited
I think today was the day that I finally cracked my stupid psychological issue of thinking I am not losing weight...
I AM losing weight, physically I know this, but mentally I don't seem to be able to see it.
However, today I wore my new size 16 skirt and top and cardigan ALL DAY and went to slimmingworld and weighed in at 15 stone 6 pounds!! So this last week I have lost 4 pounds in total. That's so cool! I am getting there head-space wise.
It dawned on me that its 2 days until the anniversary of my band breakage.
This time last year I weighed 16 stone 3.
I am 11 pounds lower than I was this time last year! OMG!!! THAT'S SO EXCELLENT!
That's what has done it. I remember thinking that I would be pleased if, after regaining all the initial weight loss after the band break, I was 16 stone 3 by the anniversary of the band break.
Well people, I did a fucking hell of a lot better than that! 11 POUNDS! WOW MAN! That's so good.
I feel like a new person tonight, I really do. I am feeling positive about strutting my stuff on Holiday as I will be a lot less than I weighed last year. I felt ACE in Sri Lanka and really felt on cloud nine about my appearance and was in a kind of awestruck expectation of amazing weight loss results. I am now back there. I don't need to lose 4 pound a week... I don't need to lose 2 pound a week to be honest. 1 pound a week will mean that by next summer I will be BINT! I will be absolutely fit as.
I figure that I have about 3 to 3 and a half more stone to lose until I feel like a regular person. My ideal weight is 4 stone away, and I know that I might never reach that weight, because the last time I was 11 and a half stone I was 17. Since then, I have actually developed a bust, had a child and all kinds of excess fat and shit, so I guess its a little optimistic, but this band makes me wanna aim high now.
I feel FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC
Today's food, if any of you are interested...:
Salad and 1 Bulgarian meat thing that I can only describe as a sausage...
1 banana
that's it.
Love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM losing weight, physically I know this, but mentally I don't seem to be able to see it.
However, today I wore my new size 16 skirt and top and cardigan ALL DAY and went to slimmingworld and weighed in at 15 stone 6 pounds!! So this last week I have lost 4 pounds in total. That's so cool! I am getting there head-space wise.
It dawned on me that its 2 days until the anniversary of my band breakage.
This time last year I weighed 16 stone 3.
I am 11 pounds lower than I was this time last year! OMG!!! THAT'S SO EXCELLENT!
That's what has done it. I remember thinking that I would be pleased if, after regaining all the initial weight loss after the band break, I was 16 stone 3 by the anniversary of the band break.
Well people, I did a fucking hell of a lot better than that! 11 POUNDS! WOW MAN! That's so good.
I feel like a new person tonight, I really do. I am feeling positive about strutting my stuff on Holiday as I will be a lot less than I weighed last year. I felt ACE in Sri Lanka and really felt on cloud nine about my appearance and was in a kind of awestruck expectation of amazing weight loss results. I am now back there. I don't need to lose 4 pound a week... I don't need to lose 2 pound a week to be honest. 1 pound a week will mean that by next summer I will be BINT! I will be absolutely fit as.
I figure that I have about 3 to 3 and a half more stone to lose until I feel like a regular person. My ideal weight is 4 stone away, and I know that I might never reach that weight, because the last time I was 11 and a half stone I was 17. Since then, I have actually developed a bust, had a child and all kinds of excess fat and shit, so I guess its a little optimistic, but this band makes me wanna aim high now.
I feel FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC
Today's food, if any of you are interested...:
Salad and 1 Bulgarian meat thing that I can only describe as a sausage...
1 banana
that's it.
Love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, 17 May 2008
Friday, 16 May 2008
Oh Joyous Day
I know that I shouldn't but I just couldn't resist it. I will probably live to regret it on Monday, but there we go. It feels great now!
I weighed myself this morning. I thought... what the hell and hopped on. 15 stone 7 it screamed out at me. I was shocked beyond belief. All I feel is proud and happy and so amazingly wonderful. 15 and a half stone???? OH MY!!!! This is like the best thing ever. I think I am actually believing in this band now, and cutting the crap out of my diet... i.e. wine and chocolate, sorts me out. It is simply those 2 things that cause me to feel shitty, guilty and to put on weight. They don't even make me that happy when I am eating them, so why do I (and 1000 of others who have the same problem...)?
Nothing feels as good as getting on those scales and hearing those pounds getting lower.
I really shouldn't have logged it today, but it felt so good I had to. I just hope that on Monday its not higher, because that makes me feel worse than anything. I had a bad experience last year that way just after having my band sorted... I lost about 9 pounds in a week do you remember? Well obviously I checked and checked and checked and the scales told the truth, but when I jumped on the following week it was higher again ad it really puts me backwards. Its like some kind of twisted mental game or something.
I have really taken on board Lapbandgirl's comment of the other week... Thanks Erica. I don't know why but this comment has REALLY helped me... like a word at the right time.
She said:
Now we all know this is true right? However, until that moment I read that, I hadn't really GOT it. Why the Fuck do I eat if I am not hungry? Why??? Seriously? I honestly don't know. We get up and its breakfast so we have to have something to eat right... Then its lunch, so we better eat something. Then dinner.... etc.
(-what follows is a really weird post of my meanderings and righting the worlds wrongs so quit now if you don't want to be inanely bored)
Actually no. Just because I have a pencil in my pocket doesn't mean I have to sharpen it. I only sharpen it if I need to right? What happened to us? If you pardon the pun, why do we have the all consuming desire to keep the motor running?
Its taken me a about a week pondering this comment from Erika to really sort my shit out. I have been feeling guilty if I don't eat breakfast so I make sure I have lunch. So as I am puking the lunch up over the sink I am now worried that I am gonna drop dead from starvation. Was I actually hungry in the first place? The thought does not enter my mind.
So these last few days I have really taken stock of where I am at head space wise. I get up in the morning and the last thing I want to do is eat. I DO however want to drink. So that's what I do. Its half past 12 right now in the UK... about the time one starts thinking of ones guts... Why? I am not actually hungry... so I have to ignore this urge to stuff myself as that is all it is. Its not driven by hunger or need for physical sustenance. Its driven by the clock. I mean... what? Why do we do this?
*Shakes head with utter confusion*
So I am not going to eat by the clock. I am going to consider if I feel hungry before I eat anything. this is hard because obviously as wives/girlfriend's/mothers we have to feed our brood when they get hungry (which is oddly around the clock... so maybe we are making the same mistakes there... there really should be no time for lunch or dinner... it should be when you want it.) So to make it easier on us we call it lunch time or tea time or dinner time as it saves the poor woman having to slave her guts out in the kitchen endlessly when ever someone comes in and says "I'm hungry."
So Lunch, breakfast and dinner have become an institution that has been brought about by laziness in fact. Bare bones and all... if we really ate when we were hungry we would all eat at completely different times. You never see a rabbit stop whatever he is doing and sit down to some grass on the dot of 5pm do you?
To make it easier on ourselves we give ourselves times for these things... so we can plan our days around them. This is why it becomes such a bloody problem for some of us.
So is it possible to just eat when we want to...? Yes if we are all individually responsible for making our food. But for children this is not possible, and socially its not the best. Its really nice to sit down to a dinner and chat over it... but its not actually necessary is it. We could all sit around and chat at any time we wanted to... its just the fact that is a convenient time to do it when everyone is together.
Anyway, I have decided that if I am not hungry I will not eat. End of. So, thanks Lapbandgirl!
I weighed myself this morning. I thought... what the hell and hopped on. 15 stone 7 it screamed out at me. I was shocked beyond belief. All I feel is proud and happy and so amazingly wonderful. 15 and a half stone???? OH MY!!!! This is like the best thing ever. I think I am actually believing in this band now, and cutting the crap out of my diet... i.e. wine and chocolate, sorts me out. It is simply those 2 things that cause me to feel shitty, guilty and to put on weight. They don't even make me that happy when I am eating them, so why do I (and 1000 of others who have the same problem...)?
Nothing feels as good as getting on those scales and hearing those pounds getting lower.
I really shouldn't have logged it today, but it felt so good I had to. I just hope that on Monday its not higher, because that makes me feel worse than anything. I had a bad experience last year that way just after having my band sorted... I lost about 9 pounds in a week do you remember? Well obviously I checked and checked and checked and the scales told the truth, but when I jumped on the following week it was higher again ad it really puts me backwards. Its like some kind of twisted mental game or something.
I have really taken on board Lapbandgirl's comment of the other week... Thanks Erica. I don't know why but this comment has REALLY helped me... like a word at the right time.
She said:
"...we shouldn't be eating by the clock, just when we're hungry. If you don't
feel like much dinner, don't eat it... but don't think you have to eat
something..."
Now we all know this is true right? However, until that moment I read that, I hadn't really GOT it. Why the Fuck do I eat if I am not hungry? Why??? Seriously? I honestly don't know. We get up and its breakfast so we have to have something to eat right... Then its lunch, so we better eat something. Then dinner.... etc.
(-what follows is a really weird post of my meanderings and righting the worlds wrongs so quit now if you don't want to be inanely bored)
Actually no. Just because I have a pencil in my pocket doesn't mean I have to sharpen it. I only sharpen it if I need to right? What happened to us? If you pardon the pun, why do we have the all consuming desire to keep the motor running?
Its taken me a about a week pondering this comment from Erika to really sort my shit out. I have been feeling guilty if I don't eat breakfast so I make sure I have lunch. So as I am puking the lunch up over the sink I am now worried that I am gonna drop dead from starvation. Was I actually hungry in the first place? The thought does not enter my mind.
So these last few days I have really taken stock of where I am at head space wise. I get up in the morning and the last thing I want to do is eat. I DO however want to drink. So that's what I do. Its half past 12 right now in the UK... about the time one starts thinking of ones guts... Why? I am not actually hungry... so I have to ignore this urge to stuff myself as that is all it is. Its not driven by hunger or need for physical sustenance. Its driven by the clock. I mean... what? Why do we do this?
*Shakes head with utter confusion*
So I am not going to eat by the clock. I am going to consider if I feel hungry before I eat anything. this is hard because obviously as wives/girlfriend's/mothers we have to feed our brood when they get hungry (which is oddly around the clock... so maybe we are making the same mistakes there... there really should be no time for lunch or dinner... it should be when you want it.) So to make it easier on us we call it lunch time or tea time or dinner time as it saves the poor woman having to slave her guts out in the kitchen endlessly when ever someone comes in and says "I'm hungry."
So Lunch, breakfast and dinner have become an institution that has been brought about by laziness in fact. Bare bones and all... if we really ate when we were hungry we would all eat at completely different times. You never see a rabbit stop whatever he is doing and sit down to some grass on the dot of 5pm do you?
To make it easier on ourselves we give ourselves times for these things... so we can plan our days around them. This is why it becomes such a bloody problem for some of us.
So is it possible to just eat when we want to...? Yes if we are all individually responsible for making our food. But for children this is not possible, and socially its not the best. Its really nice to sit down to a dinner and chat over it... but its not actually necessary is it. We could all sit around and chat at any time we wanted to... its just the fact that is a convenient time to do it when everyone is together.
Anyway, I have decided that if I am not hungry I will not eat. End of. So, thanks Lapbandgirl!
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