Yes we are back in Blighty...

But only for 72 hours.

We are off to our hilariously dubbed 'chateau' in France on Wednesday morning. Here is a view of said 'chateau' from inside one July morning...



Yeah, chateau it ain't! But its GREAT! We love it and it sleeps 6 so cant be bad.

So... Moscow was interesting. I enjoyed it greatly. Its amazing to see the things on the telly in real life. To be honest, its like they didn't really exist... they were unreal... and now they're not.

Red Square, The Kremlin, Itzmaelovsky Market, Bolshoi, Lenin's Mausoleum and The Russian State Museum that conveniently covers history just up to 1900 and therefore not bothering with the Tsar, Tsarina and the Russian Royal family that they killed.

It was a pretty chilling place. A definite "Wow" factor but kind of not in a good way. I dunno... I cant really describe it. I am glad I went.

I haven't uploaded my photos to the PC yet, but when I do I will show you some stunners.

My weight? Who knows. I am not going to bother even looking because I know it will be terrible. I am usually sick every day, but after I am sick I can always eat some more. I guess its just a case of fine tuning it all. I feel rubbish about it and have consumed a HELL of a lot of wine over the Russian break. I am likely to do another couple of gallons whilst in France, but then I am on the wagon. Its not good to swill down half a days calories in an evening, let alone what its doing to my guts!

So I am just kind of waiting to meet the Fill Doctor. I want him to actually give a damn.

Right now I am writing this whilst semi choking on some chicken.
Today I have eaten a half plate of garden salad and a handful of cooked pasta with garlic, herbs and olive oil on. I have had a pint of water with lemon and ginger slices, 3 cups of coffee and 4 mouthfuls of curry and rice. I sicked up the first 2 mouthfuls, and then ate a little more when it had settled down (and the meal was cold) and on the second chunk of chicken I had to stop. We are talking 100g of food. No more.

So, I am off to throw this up and grab a yogurt.

See ya all January 7th.

Farewell for a couple of weeks

We are off to Moscow in about 2 and a half hours!

Its come round really quick. I am still up to my eyes packing and cleaning etc. At least we have Carina to look after the cats and the fish. I hope she will be ok on her own though... I would be really lonely.

So band wise, I still cant eat anything that is dry-ish or eat too quickly, but I am not being very good to be honest. I am going to make a concerted effort in when I get back from holiday to really sort myself out.

I am having a fill a week after I get back, so that will help no doubt.

How fine can you cut it...

Still not received the dosh... apparently it was done this afternoon, but obviously it takes a few days for everything to go through.

Trouble is I am going on Holiday on Friday, and it also happens to be pay day. Whoopee. This means that I have to do all the bills and everything, otherwise I will be in Russia without a bean.
This is pretty horrendous to be honest.

I am seriously considering not going to Moscow and cutting my losses. I know its crazy but I just cant seem to work out how it will all happen. DH's wages don't cover our bills, and I haven't been at work this month as you know. My Mum subbed us 2K but that covered last month's bills, not this month too. If the money doesn't go in tomorrow or Thursday then I will have to call it off as I simply don't have enough money. I always account for everything at the beginning of the month. It works for me. I shove all the money for the bills into one account on the 22nd and then I know whats left is all mine to spend on goodies. This is the way we have done it for years. I need to have the money in there to do this obviously. Normally its there. It earns interest all the while its sitting in the other account anyway. I hate to think about it, but maybe I will just have to wait here to sort it out when the transfer finally arrives.

Its just such an awful situation. I don't want to cadge any more off my Mum either as that's just pathetic at my age. Honestly. When someone says they will do something then they don't, what are you supposed to do with that. They have really let me down.

Anyway, it WILL come at some point which is the main thing. At least that is for certain. I received the signed copies from them today in the post.

I am in a horrid place with my weight. I am not thinking about being good, or careful and all I am doing is eating as much as I can of everything and anything without being sick. It normally means not a lot, but I know its the wrong things.

Ho Hum.
That's life I guess.

I will update when I know more.

Come on now......!

Grrr.

The Company have been annoying me greatly.

However, I FINALLY received the agreement form; the document is signed and I should be very happy tomorrow.

In view of this I have been busy. I got DS a new winter coat as his has lost its oompf... I don't know but its like the duck down evaporated in the cupboard over the summer.

So I got him a coat, some of those bibbed ski trousers that are warm and toasty, thermal undies, and a pair of cool fleece lined boots. I bought DH a pair of snowboarding pants to keep him warm too. I have still got to get myself something, but I don't know what yet. I think I will have to go back to the shop and buy myself some but I know I will never wear them again. I dunno. I will have to see if the lined trousers I bought from eBay turn up and are good enough.

DS also got a hair cut and it looks super smart. They thinned it all out with those funny scissors and it looks amazing. Poor DS. He has soooooo much hair! Its actually too much because it makes it all stick up in a bouffant! But it looks cute as a button now. Yay. He is back to having the beautiful 1950's boy hair cut that I love.

Went out with Mimi this afternoon and we had a cool time. Lovely long chat, but no one was about today...? Very queer I thought. I think we passed one woman in an hour. I thought this time of year things should be buzzing...

I have had a weird eating day...

I had a Muller corner at about 4pm and then we had dinner at 6pm.
I managed 1/4 cheese and onion quiche, 1 duchess potato and some salad (lettuce, tomato, chick peas, garden peas and dressing)

Not a lot for 1 day huh. I was still full from yesterday I think.

Right, now I am off to bed to catch up on some well needed reading because DH is away tonight. Cup of hot chocolate, book, the whole bed to myself and no snoring! A rare treat!

BLACK WEDNESDAY

Exactly 10 months since banding.
4 weeks since re surgery

Weight this morning: 17 stone 5 pounds - 243lbs

CRAP

I feel gutted.

When you think you have lost more and find out its not true... its wrenching.

But hey, this blog is real man!
I have know idea how the scales read such different results but they were obviously wrong last time.

Today has been random.

I have booked a holiday to Hungary again. We are going on 24th January for 5 nights. Thought it would be good to go somewhere and my friends are coming too. It was really really cheap, so what the heck.

We also insured our German guest on our car and she took it for a spin. The first and the last one... She hit a wall. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

So my NEW car is down at the body shop being touched up can you believe. Little dent and some scrapes. Bummer. She felt terrible about it. I felt terrible for her too. I couldn't care less about the car to be honest, I just hope she doesn't feel bad. She doesn't want to drive in England any more. I can understand that. Its a real shock for her.

Ho hum... what a day.

I wanted to thank Tina ... for your comments. Thanks honey :o)

*Update at 11:45pm*

We just got back from bowling and dinner. We had a cool time, and went to the Chinese afterwards for all you can eat. Yeah! HA HA.

I was sick in the toilets!! Oh MY!
I am so glad that happened. I am really feeling it now.

I was a bit naughty though as I felt full after the starter, but had 2.5 duck pancakes and a tablespoon of noodles and about 5 prawns in tempura batter and sweet and sour sauce.

If I had not had a drink with my meal, I could not have eaten this much, but I was following every couple of mouthfuls with a swig of juice because I wanted to eat the Chinese so bad.

I wont do that again. Its so obvious that it really helps the food go down. Its just cheating.

I have also booked my fill with Dr Chris De Bruyne in London on 17th January.

Bunny and the peculiar chain of events...

I AM ON A HIGH.
The Company have been true to their word. They have been totally cool and I am being PAID OUT! Also its MORE than I asked for! YAY
Things are on the turn.

BUT

Hmmm.
I am a little bit weirded out.

I heard from The Company yesterday morning.

This was shortly after I heard from 'The Informer'... remember her? She was the lady who helped me to realise there was a problem with my band and to get my carcass back over the Belgium pronto.

I haven't posted until today because I honestly didn't know what to write, or handle the chain of events that panned out from Monday morning.

Talk about false comforter.

The Informer made me feel totally rubbish. Over the course of 30 minutes she basically told me I was a money grabber and obsessive about my weight and weight loss and that I should get a life.

I couldn't believe it.

Compared to a month ago when she was bemoaning her problems and all the strife it had caused, now she was saying what a wonderful company they were and how glad she was that she chose them... bla bla. Then she told me that I shouldn't bother claiming for 3 months lost wages, or my emotional compensation because "After all they have had 100's of people in the situation and they know if a claim is over the top". She also noticed that people like me who talk about their band a lot don't do so well with the band (!) and the best advice she had had was to "consider it like going to the dentist" and forget about it.

Then told me its life and we have to get on with it.

Hmmmm.

I was stunned. I was even agreeing with her as I was so flabbergasted that someone could so brazenly rubbish the way I dealt with upset, stamp all over my feelings and tell me I was obsessive - and all this on the phone to boot!

Well I think you were the stupid one. What you said was rubbish and obviously The Company think so too and I wanted to let you know that because, literally, 15 minutes after you put down the phone, The Company called me and told me that they are going to settle out of court and are paying MUCH more than I claimed. I think maybe you should not have been so hasty...

More fool you.

So I have been considering why you would tell me such stuff and make me feel so rubbish...

I have no idea. Maybe you get a handout every time you 'find' one of us that's had the same problem? Maybe you work for them? Maybe you are just plain cheesed off that you didn't claim enough and lost out on thousands (YES! Sorry about that!) Maybe you are even the person who leaves those nasty comments...?

Whatever.

All I wanted you to know was that I am THRILLED that you told me about your problem, and helped me and my Bunk Mate both get our bands sorted out. I will never forget that you ended 8 LONG months of frustration, pain and suffering, tears and gave me the key to get back on track.

I also want you to know that what you said yesterday was hogwash and this was no 'little thing' for me. Yes, we all deal with things differently... do you really know me? If you did, you would know WHY I handled it the way I did and why I deserve to claim far more than I actually did.

Oh, and don't bother calling me again ok? I don't think I need that kind of person in my life thanks.

Watching me go BANANAS

WHAT???

?

I don't know what is going on any more.

I weighed myself on Wednesday. I nearly launched the scales on a trip to Mars.

I cant even remember what the scales said, but it was a load of RUBBISH.

On Monday ( a sneak peek at the scales) weighed 16 stone 6. That meant another 3 pound off. I was ecstatic. I didn't record it though as I was waiting until Wednesday - my weigh day.

On Wednesday 5th December the scales said

17 stone 9.

WHAT????????????????????

Impossible. ITS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE.

I have been so totally disabled by this weigh gain/ or no gain/ or no loss or whatever it is that I can barely breathe.

Thursday I have a breakdown and ended up at the doctors and had my Prozac upped to 60mg and since then I have tried to not think about the weight at all...

Today I thought, right, I am naked. Its the morning. I haven't had a coffee. I have been to the loo.

I can handle it.

Lets get weighed.

17stone 5.5lbs.

What a crippling joke. Its lower that Wednesday, but now I don't know which way to think. Are they right? DH weighs correctly every time.

So was the scale right (even though I checked 5 times on Wednesday 28th November) when it said 16 stone 9??? Or was I imagining it?

I am so upset. I don't know why its bugging me so VERY much, but it really really really really is.

So My weight as of today is 17 stone 5.5 lbs (243.5lbs) PANTS.

Theres no way I could put on 14 pounds in 2 sodding days.

Wednesday's lovely entry must be wrong.

CRUD!

Feeling less than sad

Forgive my weaknesses and the strange way I display them.

I am feeling pretty darn rubbish.

I went to the quack today and told them how I was feeling and they prescribed me a higher dose of funny pills.
YAY. I am a nutter. Its confirmed.

I am now on 60mg of Prozac. Thats the highest dose apparently. Hmmm...

I am gonna watch telly and not think about:
weight
my self loathing
guilt
chocolate
lack of self esteem
weight
being a loser
being a complete faliure
being ugly
weight
being a crap mum
being a crap wife
weight
or any old stupid tripe like that.

Rubbish day

Was a greedy pig today.

Forgive me Lap Band master, for I have sinned...
It has been a while since my last confession...

Today I have eaten:
2 Muller crunch corners
1 giant twix
1 giant kit kat chunky
1 packet of crisps
1 McDonald's cheeseburger happy meal
1 cinema size bag of minstrels with a couple of fistfuls taken out by TB.

Holy cheese.

Today's calories, are staggeringly low considering: 2341.

I consider myself castigated enough by my own guilt and self loathing.

Tomorrow is weigh day. *Weeps into coffee*

Do I need a fill...?

Hey! Its paranoid girl here.

I really feel like I have been thrown in at the deep end with this band.

One day I am choking on my tablets, and the next I can eat a Sunday lunch and pudding.

Oh I am so worried. Its wrecking my mental balance completely.

Before I carry on let me tell you today's food:
Breakfast: 100g Quaker granola
Lunch: glass of fruit juice and 100g cashew nuts slice of bread and a small piece of Serrano ham
Snack: Muller corner
Dinner: thick slice roast beef (equivalent to size of 1 chicken breast), 1 tbsp cabbage, 2 tbsp runner beans, 1 half roast potato, 1 roast parsnip, 2 broccoli florets, 1tsp horseradish sauce, bisto, 1/4 of syrup sponge pudding (home made) about the size of a fist with custard.

All in all about 1800 cals today.

Now, I think that last meal was a lot. I was chewing well, and I must admit I was thinking "am I full? What about now?" throughout it, but the answer was not a complete or definite yes.

I know that I would definitely have eaten more this time 5 weeks ago. Maybe it was because I had not had much food throughout the day...?

I am now fretting about the following:
1.) The band is broken and I am going to put on weight
2.) I am going to put on weight
3.) I need a fill and I will stop losing weight until I get one
4.) I am going to put on weight
5.) The band is broken (does anything hurt? any clues?)
6.) Oh no, what if I don't lose weight?
7.) Maybe its not going to work for me
8.) The band is broken and I am back to square one
9.) I am going to put on weight...Do I need a fill?
10.) Will I ever lose weight?

etc etc etc etc

Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone else find they can sometimes eat loads, and other times nothing at all? I mean yesterday I had just the smallest amount of my dinner and I HAD to stop. in know there was no way on this earth that I could have eaten another mouthful. But today... different story.

If this happens a lot then I can handle it. Its just not knowing what to expect that is messing my mind around. Is it truly possible to wake up one day and feel no restriction at all and know you need a fill or does it creep up slowly over a few weeks and you realise that you are not so satisfied at every meal?

I am guessing that what happened to me today was just one of those things and the fact that yesterday I could not eat my dinner at all means that my band is totally cool and I have good restriction. I am sure you cant just wake up the next day and everything is slack. its not possible surely. That why now I am worried again that my band is busted, and I have to talk myself into believing in it this time and trusting that it will go the distance (HELP!). I don't have any pain like I did back in May. I don't have any pain like I did after my fills. I am a bit sore around my port area, but I can bend, stretch, shower, walk, sit and do a lot of things that I couldn't just a few short weeks ago. I really think the soreness is simply down to being plain sore after an operation and a little bit to do with being a bit bloated from my * week.

Ok, I have talked myself out of my worries.

Or have I?

Oh dear...

1st day back to work for real!

Right, I have a bloke booked to come on Tuesday to clean and polish and deodorise my filthy new car and that has made me feel heaps better. He is a valet guy I found in the yellow pages and lives nearby, doesn't cost the earth and will do a sterling job I am sure.

Today's work went fine. I did 7 lessons today, no problems. All went really smoothly and everyone was really pleased I was feeling better, and consoled and commiserated over my spate of bad luck of late. It was nice to see them actually.

Well, I have the dreaded curse again, and with it usually comes pain. Well it did all the while my band was broken. This month I am a little bloated and I can feel pressure on the stomach wall, but its not too dreadful. It kind of feels like my port area has tuned into a plank of wood... sort of immobile and bleugh - but not painful. THANK GOD

I had been dreading it to be honest. They have been so horrid of late that I really was hoping the sudden weightloss and stress would put an end to it for a while. No such luck on that score.

So, today has been pretty hectic. I had a bowl of granola and milk for breakfast at 9:00am and I lasted all day until I got home at 4:30 without any major worries actually. I had intended to have a lunch break, but it didn't work out that way - that's the only trouble with my job... chatting about stuff after lessons eats up my time.

So I got home and hurriedly made 2 slices of toast with baked beans and cheese and a small dollop of coleslaw. I ate it really easily and quickly, and *PARANOIA* struck again.

I tried not to think about it, but just couldn't help myself, and found myself feeling sorry for myself and worrying that the band had gone pop again. A quick snap back to reality from DH saying "Are you in agony like last time? No! Its fine honey" worked sort of OK, but you know what I'm like.

So it was fish and chips from the chippy tonight for tea. I optimistically ordered cod and chips and mushy peas. I ate 1/4 of the fish, 4 chips and a couple of mouthfuls of peas when I felt the stickiness. I just stopped and handed my lovely full plate of food over to DH. I must admit this is the first time I have been sad when I couldn't eat. Not bad I guess.

I had a bottle of wine over the course of the evening and a muller corner.
Today's calories total = 1674.

off to bed now.
night night.

Another day, another choke...

This morning I made a mistake.

I always ALWAYS have coffee in the morning. Its my first instinct when I open my eyes to seek out coffee from the nearest source. I drink a cup practically before drawing breath... so when i DIDN'T do that this morning and decided to take my tablets (Codeine, Prozac, paracetamol and multi vitamins) with ice cold straight from the fridge orange juice a problem ensued.

I know we should all take pills with water, but I don't get it. I have always taken them with coffee. So this morning as I gobbled down my hitherto untroublesome tablets I felt it... the pain and heaviness...

I was burping and gurgling and hiccuping and spitting and having a HORRID time with DH punching my back to help it feel better.. when I puked up one of my pills. It took a while for this to happen, but it was a relief when it did. I had to leave my orange juice for later and sipped at a warm coffee and when I had managed to get the cup down (by 11:30) I decided to try the pills again. This time they went down fine. I threw my 2 slices of cold toast in the veg bin as I just wasn't hungry after all that. Its funny how the chokes make me feel full. I never expected that.

When I had a sort of episode before I had this sorted out, it never made me feel full. I guess its where the lining of the stomach is irritated or something. I am not knocking it at any rate! Its working at LAST thank GOD! I will remember to have a drink of something before I take my tablets in future. I think it helps it not be so tight in there to be honest.

So I made some lunch around 1:30 and it was Pasta and one of them stir in sauce things. went down ok and filled me up. I also have had 5 German lebkuchen. I don't know how much they are calorie wise... but I have put 60 each. I haven't a clue though to be honest. They were home baked by our new lodger Carina's Mum. They are scrummy. She is a really sweet girl too which is nice.

So today's food:
75 grams of pasta (dry weight) and 1/3rd of a pot of dolmio sauce
5 biscuits.

That's the lot so far, and I am not hungry yet either.

TB is making a paella for us tonight. We are due over there at about 6:30 so looking forward to that. S (TB's daughter and my adopted sister) is going back to Russia tomorrow so we are all going to be sad later :o(

Especially DS. He loves her to death. Hopefully with the arrival of Carina, he will have his mind taken off of it for a little while. We are going to Moscow in 3 weeks now anyway, so we can always use that line I guess!

So dinner tonight is going to be paella. I don't know how much I will consume, but its pretty stodgy so I guess not much. We shall see.

Another day on my journey

Breakfast: 100g granola with apple and blackberries, and skimmed milk
Lunch: 85g of boiled pasta (this is half of a standard portion), passata and 5g of Parmesan
Dinner: 2 potato croquettes, 1/4 cheese and onion quiche and green beans.

1200 cals.

It is a heavy day because of the Granola which was over 350 cals on its own. I needed it though as I have done a spring clean (not sure if its late, or early...?) on the house. I even washed the shower curtain!

Today I did ALL the washing (6 loads) and all the drying and my whole house smells like lenor. I am currently on the last load, which is just a massive quilt... I cant seem to get it dry so I am going to drape it over some chairs next to the radiator in the hope that it will.

I have done so much housework today, I actually got up a sweat. I don't think I have ever had sweat dripping off me before. I really felt the need to CLEAN and be CLEANSED.

Everything is lovely, every room and it took me all day long. *blows fringe out of eyes*

My port area feels pretty fine considering. Its quite sore actually from where I had the crash (seat belt injury I think) but other than that its fine. I know everything's still connected which is my main worry! I didn't have a choke today, but I was really hungry at about 4 when I realised I had missed my lunch, so I started to eat my pasta too quickly, and I felt it. I let it rest and then I could finish my meal. As it was I only ate half of the plate. Cool.

I have noticed I am better having a big breakfast rather than a big dinner. This may seem obvious, but one doesn't get this size without having a few rogue eating problems, and one of mine was definitely eating late. It still is to be honest, but I don't have a lot of choice in that respect, but I DO have a choice of what I eat at this time. I am finding that in the evening I am not actually that hungry. I eat my dinner, don't get me wrong, but I am not starving like I use to be. Things seem to have turned around... I am hungry in the morning (never used to be) so I seem to be having granola or porridge and stuff quite a bit more than I ever used to.

Today's excitement?

We have our lodger arriving tonight. YAY. Money!
She is arriving at the airport and we are picking her up and she will be with us till the beginning of March. She is coming to do a course for 3 months as shes only 18 and her Mum and Dad thought she would be better renting a room with a family rather than be on her own. Seems like a nice girl. We shall see!

Other than that, I found out my new car is classed as a disabled car for taxation, so I have to trek all the way to a DVLA office to change the taxation class on it before I can get my tax. Why is NOTHING in my life just easy?

Another little loose snagged thread in the tapestry of my life is that I found out today I cannot drive other peoples cars under my insurance policy. Every other policy I have EVER had I have been able to do this. But no, apparently not. So this means I cannot use my friend's car that she so kindly said I could borrow until mine is taxed etc. It was only brought to my attention today and I have had the policy for 11 months!!! So I am as immobile today as I was yesterday, and I might as well not bother taxing the car until next week as then its a new month.

I am trying to think of something cool that happened today to balance it all out, but nothing springs to mind. That's life!

BIGGEST WEIGHTLOSS EVER - 9 POUNDS

This week, yes just this week, I have lost a staggering
9 POUNDS

This is the most weight I have EVER lost in 1 week and I am totally flabbergasted.

I got on the scales this morning and I actually screamed - out loud - when it told me the wonderful blessed news. I got on another 4 or 5 times just to be sure.

So my couple of bad days, actually weren't that bad for me obviously.

However, talking about bad days... What is wrong with my family huh? We are just such a lucky bunch aren't we.

The insurance company phoned me up this morning and told me the news that it was a total loss. Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just what I need. They then told me they would give me £700 for it. *sad pathetic sigh of the royally shat on* and then told me it was subject to my excess which was £520. Well what did I expect...? Miracles? So I am getting £180 back for my lovely car which I paid £2000 for.

I am not bothering with fully com insurance any more. I cant be bothered. What is the point seriously? I would have been better saving £150 a year on my car insurance and putting it in a savings account. I would actually have had more money that way. So I am going 3rd party only on my next nadger. If I bought a new new car it would be worth it, but I only drive a banger. I bought a new car today. £300. Its actually a better car than my old one, but a bit older. Its done less miles and the body work is metallic and in a great condition with no dents. Mine had quite a few bumps and bruises on it as it really was just a run about. But it was MY runabout and I really liked it. You get sort of used to it don't you. So I will just have to adjust to this new one now. Its a nicer colour... that kind of metallic blue green.

So it was with a lightened heart that I answered the call to The Company this evening. They apparently deal with each claim individually, and they apologised for their standard letter and making me think (quote) that they would only pay "1 nights hotel accommodation and travel at 30cents per km". Apparently they deal with each case individually and they are going to take care of everything and it will all be sorted out within a week - 10 days.

SO WHY DIDN'T THEY PUT THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Cheeky scumbags.

If I had gone

"Oh honey, a letter from The Company... It says we only get one
nights hotel and the bus fare... Oh well. That's a shame. Never mind, that's
£150 we get back then. That's nice of them isn't it"

Do you really think they would have sent another letter saying...

" Oh No, you don't understand. My dear people, this means that we
treat every case individually and we will of course refund you £5000 - we really thought it was quite a simple letter. We always say things and mean something else"

Yeah, of course they wouldn't. NO WAY. So some poor wretch might think that's all they are getting, and The Company get to wipe their hands and go

"Phew... that's us off the hook with that one!"

If I had not written back to them, then I wouldn't be getting anything more than £150 for my trouble. So just shows doesn't it.

And he had noticed that I had CC'd the email to 'INFORMER' and 'Bunk Mate' and asked

"So... erm... do you... err... *SQUIRM*... know many people who have had the same kind of...err... difficulties...?"

"Yes mate, as a matter of fact I do!"

*High five*

He was also quite insistent that they really wanted me to be pleased with their product and enjoy my band and that it will definitely give the results I want bla bla. He said, we just want you to be happy and we will take care of everything, and just forget about it all for a couple of days and everything will be fine... "We don't want you to be angry or distressed because of this case... it was just a standard letter" Yeah yeah. Whatever, just GIVE ME MY DAMN MONEY TOUT DE SUITE

Right then, back to business.
Today's calories are 1160

Breakfast: 2 slices toast with jam (mild resistance felt)
Lunch: Smoked salmon and dill sauce
Dinner: 50g chips and approx 325g chicken curry. Couldn't finish plate tonight.

3 glasses of pineapple juice
3 coffees.
2 pints of s/f squash.

Cooooool.

Writing whilst having a nervous breakdown...

I have had a terrible day.

I wrote my car off at 2pm.

This is like the LAST thing I need

I cannot believe it.

I have numbed the pain with Wine and Amaretto...

Today's food =
yogurt
banana
yogurt
quarter of a quiche
peas
sweetcorn
chips (50g)

I have also have most of a bottle of wine and a serious helping of amaretto. I am really feeling the affects and typing is slow.

I cant believe the last few weeks.
My car is a write off, and so that has completely f***** me considering I don't have any f****** money because of those band ********'s.

I said to DH tonight I actually what to end it all its been that bad.

I am normally a pillar of strength, but everyone has the straw that breaks the camels back.

I laugh it off, but this time I am so worn down I cant carry on.

I feel like I was born under a wandering pile of s***. SHOVE the wandering star! Its a pile of manure.

Today I'll be mostly.... Chillin'

Another day of chillin' out.

Ahhhhh

I have decided that low fat yogurts taste like scuzz. They are also only 50 cals less than a normal yogurt. So rather than have 2 lacklustre low fat mingingly sour yogurts - and still end up feeling unsatisfied - I am gonna be done with the things. I bought muller corners today. I love them! They are well creamy and yummy, and you can have crunchy chocolate bits in them and stuff and there are loads of varieties... all for an extra 50 cals. I am enjoying a kind of crunchy tropical fruit one as we speak! YUM YUM YUM.

I am fed up with being conned by packaging and stuff and when you really look at the labels its a load of rubbish. Take this muller yogurt for instance.

Muller corner 'healthy balance' Tropical
It says: Only 2.1% fat
- in fact it has 3.15 g of fat = 4.72% fat.
The figure they quote is just for 100g of the yogurt. Its so misleading.

Also I actually had to get a calculator out and work out how many calories were in the whole thing, as its only got nutritional info for 100g of product when there is 150g in there.
WHY DON'T THEY JUST PUT IT FOR 150g???
As if someones going to just eat 100g of yogurt and leave 50g. For goodness sake.

So this whole yogurt has 169.5 cals in it. (113/2x3=169.5!!!)

Everyone bleats on about clear packaging, but they just bumble us off in a load of jargon.
I mean, this yogurt is also called Healthy Balance... Hmmm... Why?
I cant see anything in there that makes it particularly balanced, but its probably not. They are probably using it as a name rather than anything else.

Ok, moan over. At last I can work it out. And i like them :o)

**Band CATASTROPHE Update**
No news yet. No response to my mega email. No clue as to whether they are going to pay up. Nada. Rubbish. So, the credit card still remains maxed out and bunny is not a happy rabbit and all is not well in the warren.

Will update later.
Breakfast: Muller corner and a banana.

17 days post having band sorted

Breakfast = nothing as I was asleep
Lunch = 1/2 cup of boiled pasta shells, grated cheese and tomato passata
Dinner = 100g chicken pie, 2 duchess potatoes and 60g peas. I'm IMPRESSED with self!
Total cals today so far = (and it never includes coffee's 'cos I cant bothered to count 'em)
661 - how cool

I just did one lesson today - an exam pupil. Her exam is on Wednesday and she should do brilliantly. She is a teenager that has been able to be really cool and in the 'in crowd', yet play an instrument to an extremely high standard and be in all the top sets for all subjects. How did that happen. We were nerds and geeks and squares. I will never understand school mentality.

So today has been mostly sorting out the house. I did a little bit more tidying up today. Swept the floors, did 2 loads of washing and put it in the tumble - WOW! and fed the cats once as well. This really is a result for me. I am beginning to think that maybe just maybe I wont be in pain this evening from it like I would have been 3 weeks ago...

I had enough of the little bit of sticky out cat gut that was on my big scar. I got my tweezers and pulled the blighter... then quite a lot came out... then I just snipped it off as close as I could to the skin and bingo! All gone. I hope I don't unravel!

YAwwwwnnnn....

cals today = 1500

Mood: Feeling depressed and scuzzy.
Breakfast: 3 chocolate digestives (and improvement on a whole packet I guess)
Lunch: egg noodles, tomato, pepper, onion all mixed together with a little sugar and vinegar to make it kind of sweet and sour style.
Afternoon snack: 150g of those WRETCHED sweets of DS'
Dinner: baked potato with cheese and beans
late night stress eating: 3 bowls of coco pops. Would have been more but packet empty now.

:o(


I'm gonna throw those sweets away and be done with it.

Oh yeah, and I worked out the Thai food last night probably had about 600 cals in it all told. Not good either. PANTS

More foods that aren't behaving

Right now I am having a semi choke on by breakfast. DH is doing a 24 hour badminton tournament starting at midday so he wanted something more sustaining than cereal so I made him 2 fried egg sarnies. I hadn't had one in ages, so I made myself one too. Yeah. Not good. I had 4 bites and then started to feel the hardness. It kind of went away after a couple of minutes and then I had another bite. ooops. I promptly puked that back up in the kitchen sink and now I am really having PB type burps - not good with egg I'm telling you.

To think that yesterday I thought it was all wrong again and that it wasn't working.
So brekkie consisted of a third of an egg and half a slice of bread.

So another thing to add to the list... fried egg sarnie.
will update later

*update @ 1am*

I have had a seriously bad day today - food wise that is.

It could have been worse, but can't it always.
Today I had the strange egg/sarnie/choke problem for breakfast and was still choking as we drove to badminton. By the time we got there it was better.

I promised DS a McDonalds after we had dropped Daddy off as a treat, so I got him a happy meal. He ate that on the way home but I had nothing. GO ME! No seriously, I didn't want anything otherwise I damn well would have. I love McDonalds. :o(

We got in and I discovered a packet of Mars bars on the floor of the car. They must have dropped out of the bag when we bought them. DH was taking them into the badminton thingy, but there we go. I looked at the calories. Yes I did. 284. "Hmmm..." thought I. I stuffed one in my fat gob. It slipped down like silk and soothed my poor choked throat and filled my tummy and made me fell GREAT. That would have been ok, but then I had another one. I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted that feeling. The sugar rush or the feeling of food in your mouth, or the feeling when it slips down your throat. I dunno. Just *That Feeling*. Then I spent the next hour feeling miserable and trying to forget I had done it by buying things on eBay. Not good either. Buying stuff also makes me feel guilty. I think I have a bit of an addictive personality. I used to smoke loads, then quit. Then I used to buy things loads until I had a wardrobe full of duplicate clothes in 2 or 3 sizes that I didn't like with the labels on and DH told me I was being crazy and took me to the doctors for Prozac and counseling - it helped. I still have a tendency to buy stuff though, especially shoes it seems or stuff for DS or DH or MAD purchases like a new kitchen when there's nothing wrong with the old one! Its not the price, its the item and the feeling I get when I buy it. I have to stop myself.

So after ramming my face with Mars bars, we got back home and I tidied the house a little bit. Its easier to do stuff (YAY!) and I fed the cats for the first time in months and it didn't feel like I was going to die. I also did our bedroom which is always a pigsty and has forever been a pigsty except for the few weeks Mina was with us when it was immaculate. I doubt that will ever happen again. *sigh*

I cleaned the kitchen and even sorted out a pile of washing. I didn't actually do the washing, but I kind of got a bit further towards it.

I got tired and sleepy and decided to go and read my book for a bit while DS played with his mate from next door with his Lego. Its so cute listening to kids playing. I wish we didn't lose that as we grew up. Its so cool. They were "health ministers and slaves (?) and were saving the world from doooooom!" How that tied into the multi coloured monstrosities they produced and the cars with wings that sped around the "sonic hospital" I don't know. I love kids they are so cool! A complete entertainment system. Sod the telly, just watch your kids! Its wicked!

Reading on the bed whilst DS and play mate play cheerfully in his bedroom would have been a really wholesome and relaxing thing to do, had I not grabbed a handful of sweets on the way up. Oh dear. WHY????? I guess its a case of thinking I have blown it, so blow the whole day!

Well at 6pm DS wanted to see how Daddy was getting on, and we trekked back over to the badminton marathon which is about 10 miles away. We gt there and stayed and watched for a bit. I had already decided we were having either Chinese or Indian as I was in a foul mood with food. But, when I got a shopping list for Tesco to stock up on lucozade and teabags and dextrose tablets and bin liners and other guff, I decided I would go to the Thai restaurant on the way there. It was lovely as I haven't had Thai for ages. Ds and I ordered a mixed starter for 2 and a Thai red king prawn curry with steamed rice for me and a spicy chicken satay type soup for DS.

I ate the following:
1 mini spring roll
1/2 prawn toast
1.5 mini fish cakes
1 tiny sliver of a chicken wing (it was yuk so I left it)
2 small filo pastry coated prawns
2 tablespoons of rice and 5 tiger prawns and curry juice on the rice.

I was impressed. I was also impressed with the bill. Only £30! That included 2 and a half pints of pineapple juice too. I drank my pineapple juice with my meal I had to admit, but I have been sticking to the guidelines with every other meal I have had since coming back from Brugge for the 2nd time. I thought that it might change how much I could eat, but it didn't seem to wash the food through as I thought it would, but I think it actually helped me not to have a PB or choke in the restaurant. So I was pleased.

So today has been a bit of a food disaster... I have no idea how many calories I have had today, but mars bars and the egg sarnie came to 707 cals alone.

A rough idea of the calories as best I can manage is: 1367 without the Thai starters or curry counted at all(but including everything else and the pineapple juice)

So its not good, but there we go.

I'm going to get back on track with a new day.

Just wanted you all to know...

I AM LIVID

I don't know if I can tell you all the details or not, but lets just say its about the compensation claim for my SHAGGED UP BAND.

I received a 'standard letter' as an attachment to an email (!?!? CAN YOU CREDIT IT?!?!?) from the General manager of The Company. The contents were an insult to my intelligence and existence as a human being.

They will wish they hadn't messed with this fat girl.