You never see a tubby smackhead

I was watching this show yesterday and this guy was talking about diet pills which just cracked me up!
I think the highlight of the one liners last night was "Forget diet pills. Just take Heroin! You never see a tubby smackhead!"  Oh man if it that was socially acceptable hobby I would give it a go for sure! Another great ones was "How can a man who spends his days pumping cream into buns be homophobic?" ahh man it was so funny.

I had never seen it before, but its really good. Its a stand up comedian just doing jokes about the current week of news and topical subjects. I posted one of his little funnies I found on You tube just below. If you get a chance check it out - Russell Howard's Good News.

Anyway, onto band news... well things have moved a little bit in the right direction. I am currently 117.4kgs and holding. So that's nearly 5kg since October. I have made a few conscious mistakes just because I wanted succor in the form of chocolate and crackers and crisps but still managed to lose. Wine has also be partaken of, and obviously that wont help the weightloss either, but I have enjoyed myself.

I think that if I hadn't been going to the gym, I wouldn't have lost weight though. I think that 350 -400 calories I burn there 3 times a week has got to help me out really. It is my fourth week now. TB and I started on Friday 28th January so we have gone 3 times a week for a month without skipping or missing a session. The one week I couldn't do our regular day, we went the next one to make up for it.

We go Monday, Wednesday and Friday for about 1 hour to 1 hour 30mins each time. I definitely feel fitter and am still as up for it as I have ever been. We are going a bit later today but we usually go about 10 as that fits with work and stuff. I will take a video of the gym session today and show you around our health club!

Last night I made a scrummy band friendly dinner.

I have no idea what to call it, and most of the names I can come up with sound rank and yuk but here it is:

This is vegetarian and serves 6 healthy appetites!

1 bag of Kale (or strong Greens/Cabbage)
2 cooking apples
1 onion
10 spring onions (green onions)
4 sticks celery
2 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons sunflower seeds
salt and pepper
2 teaspoons mustard
1 tablespoon of sugar
1 package of ready rolled Pastry

Fry the onion and celery together in a little olive oil/butter or even water until soft

After frying and softening the onion and celery add the cooking apples to the mix and stir continually as they stick easy and burn easier!

  After the apples start to moosh a little add the rest of the stuff - kale, spring onion, garlic, mustard, seeds, salt, pepper and sugar and mix that baby until it looks a little like this:

Then get your pastry and divide it into two. Roll both pieces out separately into an oblong shape - it should already be big enough in width, so just roll it so its a bit longer - about the length of your baking tray. As it will be thin, put it on greaseproof paper and then dump half the mixture onto one side of the pastry like this:

 

fold the pastry over to cover it and stick all the edges together and you should end up with a kind of strudel shaped thing. Do the same with the other one and then put them in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes on about 175 deg C (fairly hot - like what you would bake stuff at) and you should end up with 2 of these beauties:

these cut up into 4 reasonable portions or 3 generous portions depending on how many you have to feed/ how hungry they are!! But it looks like this on the plate:

I served this with boiled carrots and mashed potato and it was scrumptious! Calories - in the mixture there was about 300 for the whole lot (as I used olive oil to fry with) and the pastry when divided into six portions was just under 300 cals so a lovely scrummy pie suitable for bandits was 350 cals! 

Right, I am off to the gym, see ya'll later x

Russell Howard's Good News - Homophobic Baker

Freaking peeved

I notice that this months posts have all been rather down and the mouth, sorry. I am not particularly down at the mouth, nor down at the scales it would seem. I am 117.9kgs today. Yay.

NOT YAY!

I cannot work out what the heck-a doodle is going on in my body but it would seem, against all scientific studies on earth, that my metabolism works backwards. If I eat a full pile of stupidenss and sugar all week - I lose weight or stay the same. If I exercise like a sweaty pig and eat less - I gain.

Well what does that suggest to one that is trying to eat less and exercise. Yeah, seems like its not worth it.

Good grief! WHAT THE???????????

Man I know you guys are all awesome and stuff but I have absolutely no idea why you bother to follow this blog as its such a pile of utter drivel and self loathing.

Even I don't have any idea why I write it!! I mean seriously? What IS the point of it.

*Death Sigh*


I just took a minute there to cover my face with my hands and rub it. I just don't know what to do any more. I am sitting here trying to be positive. I CAN'T. What can I be positive about. I busted my ass for 3 and a half weeks and I am heavier now than I was at the start.

Oh jeez. I need help and I have pretty much exhausted all possibilities.

I know that unbanded is not the way to go. I put on a lot of weight real quick so I know it's not the answer. But banding isn't either. Something MUST BE WRONG WITH ME. Like INSIDE.

Its not physically possible to expend more calories than you consume and NOT lose weight.

Maybe I am am the right person to send to the Amazon or Sahara or Himalayas or Antarctica. I would get fatter and fatter as I ate less and less and exercised more and more. I am a scientific DREAM! I should be studied. People can write their thesis' on me. COME ON! Contact me scientists!!! Old Captian Scott would have took me on the team. I dunno about them, but I woulda defo made it home right????  

I am not going to stop because I can't. I can't afford an unfill or a fill (and I am as tight as the proverbial D.A. anyway). I can't stop going to the gym as I have to do it for TB. I also


Enjoy it!!!!!


There I said it, but really small just in case anyone hears!

I am committed to shifting this bulk, but I just don't know how to do it any more chapettes.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!

(and that's just a scream cos I am ticked of right? I'll be ok in a few days..weeks lol)

450 cals

Not bad. That's like my whole lunch gone in one gym session.

I have been keeping up with the 3 times a week gym routine. I havent a clue if its doing me any good, but seem to be getting quicker, further round the track and burning more calories every time I go... We normally go for an hour. I have definitely upped the pace and graduation on the treadmill and made it tougher on the bike so I guess it must.

Weigh in tomorrow am. Be there or umm not. :-)

4 Years ago...

Well what do you know? Time flies when you're not having fun.

All the ups and downs that the last 4 years have seen are pretty much accounted for here in this blog.

So, not being negative at all, but just wanting to re-cap

This time 4 years ago I weighed 18 (252lbs) stone exactly. Today I am about 18 stone 9lbs (261lbs 118kg)

What have I learned?

Not a whole lot to be fair. I have learned that nothing is a 'cure' for this hellish nightmare with our weight, although it seems some have better success than others.

I have learned that no one has the answer to whats going on in our bodies other than ourselves.

I have learnt that we are the masters of our own success or failure.

I have spent a considerable amount of money over the last 4 years on dieting, dieting aids, clothes (smaller and even bigger than pre banding), diet foods and not to mention fills - 20 fills over 4 years at roughly £125 a throw ain't great.

I am still battling my own inner voices, checking out food porn (cheers Tina), wishing I could do anything to turn the clock back and not have made those bad choices/taken on board those issues before they went out of control.

I am however, alive, banded, have a beautiful husband and child and not reached the age of 35 yet...

So, here's to another year of - oh please God hopefully - slimming.

p.s. am writing this at 3am because made a stupid stupid stupid mistake of having 3 clementine segments at 8pm. Whoops. Puked all three bits back out, but still haven't managed to eat dinner yet and am feeling woozy. Kind of given up on food, but my pills NEED taking tonight or I am shot.

Way down

...my eating that is!

I have noticed that since fill #20 - yes, twenty - I have been eating a lot less.

Today I had the most stressful day for ages. Stress always gets my band tight when its filled nicely, and today was no exception.

To kick off we had an Sky HD upgrade planned for between 8am and 1pm. I was shattered after finishing work yesterday at 10:30pm and then having to spend 2 hours with DS finishing his homework when I got in so I was looking forward to Sky man coming at about five minutes to one this afternoon!!

No such luck. The bloke rings at 8:25am and says he will be there at 9:00am. Ah well, at least I can go back to bed after he has done his thing, thinks I. Nope.

He arrives at 9:30 (!) and then does one of those "Oooh, Ahh, I dunno" scratches of the heads that tradespeople seem to do when they think they have wifey at home all dumb and stupid. He says "Think your tubes have gone in your telly."

"Tubes?" I ask - perplexed as to why my plasma telly has tubes... then he goes "er... yeah, there's horizontal lines there on the blue screen... they are at the back of the plasma screen". Hmmm well yes, I can see lines, as I have done since we got the thing new. I flick the channel to one that actually has a picture rather than just a plain blue screen, and no sign of lines. "Oh that's good look, I cant see it now its actually on a channel, so I wont mind that matey" says I.

Then blow me if not 2 minutes later hes scratching his nuts again and oohing and ahhing over the state of my wiring to the phone socket "Oooh i dunno luv, looks like that's gunna be dodgy. Might need a new socket..."
"Well its not plugged into the phone line at the moment, nor has it been for the last 8 years, so don't bother plugging it in mate ok?"

"No no no no luv" he goes "You have to av it plugged in like cos yous taken out another contract".
"Oh no no no no mate, it slows the broadband, makes a scratchy noise on the line and I am gunna whip it out the minute you leave anyway - even if you do get it in there - so just don't bother yeah?"

"Oh alright then"

Hit me.

There were several other mini dramas that I totally ignore... line to the box, wrong cables bla bla bla. I am paying you to do the freaking job mate, so quit whining and do it!

Finally, and hour after he arrived, he gets the box out of his van. Surprisingly it all works. After the palaver he made you would have thought I needed a hot bath and a razor. Life just wasn't worth living the way he was going on! Do I have "M.U.G" written on my head? Well I must have because just after he left at 11:30am, I get a call from Microsoft technical support.

Yes, Microsoft technical support. Apparently they don't normally ring, but they had had a log of several threats on my computer and wanted to help me clear them.

Oh course I put the phone down straight away didn't I.

Ummm.... nope. I didn't. I quizzed the bejayzus out of them - I really did - about how did they know it was my particular PC and not one of the other 4 in the household; how did they know it was MINE that was causing the error; where were they calling from exactly again; and how did they get my name, number, dob, email address, postal address and mothers maiden name etc? THATS RIGHT!!!! They had all that info.

So I thinks... Ok maybe they are for real, but I am no pushover. I consider myself pretty darn computer security savvy. I know what a phishing email is/hoaxes look like and I don't get pushed into changing gas/electric supply every week and I know a scam when I hear one. How many rich uncles in Nigeria can one girl have right?

They were very patient "yes, its totally understandable that you want to verify us Mrs. Bunny... bla bla" so I let them guide me to the relevant files they had had issues coming through on. I needed to check and low and behold there are an amazing array of threats on my computer. Loads of warning files and errors. I was really worried! They should have Oscars for con men cos they were freaking brilliant!

So I am totally convinced that the chap I am speaking to is who he says he is, and am going along with all this guff. He took control of my computer remotely and even as I type this I know you are all hanging your heads thinking I am a freaking foooool of gargantuan proportions but I am telling you I WAS FOOLED.

I 100% believed every word they said, and was sucking it right up and it actually worries me MORE because there must be thousands of people out there who wouldn't even have questioned these people. I questioned them for about 10 minutes and they still managed to convince me...

...right up until he showed me a screen where some log shows that my security layer on my computer was expired and I needed to reinstate it.

Uh oh... ding a ling a ling. Bunny you stupid rabbit!!!!

This was 30 minutes into the call. Alarm bells started to ring and I though Oh My GOD. I am in the middle of a scam. The next breath and he shows me a website saying the prices of the different packages I can buy to reinstall my security shield ranging from £20 to £120. Yep. A website lashed up just to take cash.

Well by this time I was fully aware, but hold my cool and said "Oh no, my handbag is in my husbands car and hes at work. Can you call me back this evening and we can do it then when he gets home?" and a "sure ma'am" came from him. Then he proceeded to give me his phone number 02081239216 and his name Austin Wells and that we could call him back any time.I thanked him SOOO much for helping me and I hung up.

I am well aware that often if you hang up or are rude at that point (when they are still in control of your PC!) they can execute files etc that can cause grievous harm, so I just kept it cool...

After hanging up I immediately shut my computer down and disconnected it. My PC has been thoroughly cleaned and thankfully there are no key loggers, no jammers or viruses or spyware thank god, but it was the fright of a lifetime. I thought as a precaution I would just change all my passwords and pins and everything as it's probably a good idea anyway.

So, friends of mine, if you get a call from Windows support and services department because your International IP address has been showing errors and they don't usually phone, but there was like Sooooooo many... you know what to do.

They used the run application on windows to enter the code eventvwr which showed up all the logs... go ahead on your computer and have a look. You will find errors and warnings as that's what it logs. Its a LOG. lol.

What a dumb ass I was. they used www.logmein123.com to remote access my PC  and the website they took me to that was basically phoney was techsupportonline.in Obviously don't go to these websites cos they might have viruses on - i dunno - but I am just adding this info so that they cant scam anyone again and others who got sucker punched like me can hopefully see ahead of time that its rubbish.

It might seem like I am trying to save face after the event, but I honestly never thought I would ever be tricked into doing something like that and it was relatively easy, so everyone must beware. At the end of the day I didn't need to write this here!! It really really scared the flip out of me at how easily and readily I was fooled.

Upshot - have eaten naff all today!! HAHA

I felt like crying immediately ofter the call, was shaking and not in a good state because my computer would not immediately tun back on so I was kind of freaking out. It tightened my band up to squeaky badgers butt tight and I could not eat allllll day long.

By 1pm I had managed to change my bank details and gone through on my sons laptop other accounts - ebay, paypal etc etc and ahything else I can think of that might mean I get robbed! By 2pm I decide to have some soup. GLERK! One teaspoon sat there on the band like a cork plug so I thought forget it.

Spent some considerable time on the phone to my mum, TB and DH at the shop and recanting the days dramas then got myself together to look at lesson plans for the afternoons work and dragged my bum out the door to go to work all strazzled (Stressed + Frazzled).

I get in the car and RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr RRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr clunk.

O h h h h h hhh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I jump out the car like a mad thing just as my next door neighbour walks onto my drive (who can hardly walk as she has had a stroke - except not a nice person AT ALL and a complete beeyatch unless she needs something)

"YES?" I scream????

This is the same neighbour that ticked me off over our extension so pleasantry's are hard to come by and I am all out of nice today anyway!

She has locked herself out and do I have a spare key.

"No, I gave it back after you shopped us to the council!" I said. Then smiled sweetly. Her face was a PICTURE - It was so worth the 16 month wait! (Funnily enough the council sided with us YAY but thats another story)

I turned on my heels and marched back up the drive, grabbed the WD40 from the porch and whipped up the bonnet. Neighbour from hell is in the passenger seat of a car, and in the drivers seat is some snotty looking woman who is obviously doing her good turn of the year

"I say," snotty woman says "do you know what's wrong with the car?" she asks.
"I am a mechanics daughter. Of course I do!" I yell back like a fish wife.

I dress very smartly for work so it must look quite comical as with WD40 in hand, I swish my cashmere shawl and beautiful handmade french necklace out of the way, stand well back to stop the car grime getting on my wool suit and pop the bonnet. I rake around, lift the plastic cover from the bit my dad tells me to and squirt away. I squirt all wire connections and belt this metal drum style thingy (tip from dad too), slam the bonnet, squeeze loads of antibacterial gel on my hands to get rid of the grease (works like a dream btw!) and then fire up the old horse.

Blue smoke blows out and we are off! With a cheesy grin to posh woman and hell neighbour, I back out leaving them to sit on their drive until someone comes with a key.

When I say day from hell! PHEW!

However it doesn't end there! I get 5 miles up the road and realise I have forgotten a cruicial book for my 2nd pupil! After mending the car, there is not enough time to do lessons one, go back to get the book and then go to lesson two.

In a blind hunger starved panic I about turn, ring pupil one and explain that I have had car faliure and reschedule for later in the evening. I dive home to see hell neighbour still sitting in the car on her drive -  GLEE! (Yeah, I know I'm horrible but it made a tiny chick of sunshine in my day!)

So I grab the book and off I finally go to work.

I hadnt eaten or drunk a drop all day. I was so shattered by 9pm, with still 2 lessons to do that I got one of those teeny tiny small power shots from the garage for £2.50. They are 5 calories for 25mls of caffeine and what-not but wake you up for hours. Well its 3am in the morning and I am still awake but JEEEEZ it gave me well bad acid heartburn and I threw it up about 45 minutes after I drank it down - and even then I had to sip it!

There is nowt so demure as a cashmere clad fat lady barfing up in the headlights of her car on the side of a country road, knee deep in grass and most likely roadkill.

I dunno about anyone else in the UK, there just seems to be an awesome amount of roadkill on the road tonight. Huh, random!

So when I got in I was glad to see a nice curry sitting on the counter. I had a green tea whilst I did DH's accounts (he had deep cleaned my computer up even more once he got home), did the bills and sat down to eat at midnight. I had about a cup of rice and curry, 1 popadom, 1 glass of red wine and half a bag of tootie fruities (little sweeties).

What a day.

Thank goodness it's over!

Now I am off to bed, and I am NOT getting up until lunch for love nor money!

DO NOT USE POWER PLATE WITH LAP BAND

Well that's pretty final.

I rang them, seemed like the easiest option. Actually it wasn't because it took about 30 minutes until I had been connected and connected and on hold several times to get to the right person.

Tragically you must not use this machine if you have ANY implanted device which (after some deliberation by them) includes the Lap Band.

Also phoned my surgeon (as was scared!) and he said no too as it can cause tightness (!) swelling of the stomach lining and also tears in the muscle tissue around the port.

Apparently it doesn't have any effect on the actual band and port itself, but how its sewn onto us and where.

The same applies to massage chairs and the like.

So, my brief flirtation with wiggly jiggly is over.

:-(

It was so good at ridding me of aches after the gym. *Waaaaa Waaaa Waaa*

To power Plate or Not to Power Plate THAT is the question

OK...

H has left me a very interesting comment regarding use of the Power Plate.

I haven't seen any other bandsters (oh maybe just one bandster from Essex banded fairly recently) who use the Power Plate in their Gym routine.

H said that she has known a few people advised NEVER to use it for fear of dislodging the port/tubing etc etc.

Now, to be honest, I never even though about it!! Can you believe that? I never even considered that all that jiggly wiggling would do anything to my band/port! Even after all my band disasters.

So what I NEED to know is -

TO POWER PLATE OR NOT TO POWER PLATE

Just to let you know how I use it:
Calf massage - Lay on back on the floor and have my calves massaged = no jiggly wiggly in rest of body.
Thigh Massage - Lay face down with only thighs on the plate and kind of doing a  press-up on the floor so only bits on the plate are thighs and knees and probs a bit of pelvis/gut too.
Back massage - Sitting on the edge of the plate dangling forward - Whole body buzzing away.

Freaked out!

Ooooh dear!!! I do not want this to be the next band disaster in my life! I can see that this would also be an entirely feasible reason for the Power Plate to be contraindicated if you have a band. The lady at the gym didn't even know what a band was... helpful.

HELP LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Depressed

Feeling really down today. We were supposed to be going to the NEC for the Jewellery show. I really loved it last year and it was so exciting as we were starting our own business and stocking up our shop with goodies and I think I just felt really on the cusp of something awesome.

This year, we had planned to go up tonight and stay in  a Travelodge (oooh the glamour!!!!) and then tomorrow get to the show early and spend the day there. DS is having a sleepover and spending the day at a Friends, so it was just the two of us and I thought it was just going to be nice to be on our own for a day.

However, we are not going.

The room is paid for, but it's going to cost about £150 for the weekend - petrol getting there, dinner tonight, breakfast tomorrow and then lunch etc. DH will probably be tempted to buy some stock for the shop etc etc.

So we just decided not to go as its £150 we can't really afford right now.

So feeling really low, DS is already at the sleepover and I just want to go to bed and snuggle down forever.
Rubbish.

What happens to bands when you exercise?

Just a query really chapettes...?

I have been to the Gym 4 times now with my matey TB. 

Our first day was 28th January. I did my workout while TB had her induction into all things Gym, then we went for a coffee after. We went back to her place and she made me a lunch of Broccoli and Stilton soup. Mmmm.

Then I had my fill on Saturday (0.5mls) and my unfill on Sunday (0.2mls).

On Monday we went to the gym again and worked out exactly the same but could not eat lunch - soup - at TB's house.

On Wednesday we went to the gym again and worked out exactly the same but could not eat lunch - soup again or even drink coffee.

Today we went to the gym, did our workout as usual and about 15 to 20 minutes afterward I couldn't drink any more of my juice.

Every time we go I drink whilst I am exercising - Berocca being a favorite as then I know I have had my vitamins, water or squash. There is no problem with that at all. But by the time we have got in the car and driven home about 7 minutes away, I cant drink/eat!

I am wondering if any of you babes have noticed this too?

I am also wondering if it has anything to do with the Power Plate? It says on the notice that you should have drunk plenty of water prior to using it - which I have, but think that's a bit of an odd thing to ask for so wondering what the bearing of drinking water has to do with the Power Plate.

I use the power plate at the end of every workout to massage my back, massage thighs, calves and inner thighs so that I don't ache and it works SO well.

So any of you get that or use the Power plate?

Dinner

Above is Onions sliced with mandolin, 300g defrosted frozen spinach, garlic, pepper, salt and 1 tub of philadelphia (or quark for low fat option)

 

 Above: Very cripsy bacon

Above: Pasta, spinach mix and shredded cripsy bacon

Monday Weigh in

This morning I was down to 118.4kgs (262lbs or 18 stone 9lbs)

This is cool as when I resumed my band journey in October in earnest I weighed 122kgs (269lbs or 19stone 3)

I am being very careful with this fill. Yesterday I had soup and liquids or yogurt all day and then about 11pm I had about a cup of mashed potato with some creamy coleslaw.

Today I had a berroca during my workout at the gym. I don't really like them, so putting it in the sports bottle meant that I did actually finish it. We fast walked 5k, rowed 5k and cycled 5k with a little bit of PowerPlate wiggling and some random tries of other machines to see what they were like. Then for lunch TB had made a nice soup, but it was too 'whole' for me with big lumps of veg in. The spoonful I did eat was really tasty, but I just couldn't eat any more after the first bite. I know from old that I never used to be able to eat before about 4pm, so I came home and the soup finally passed through the stoma. I had a couple of coffees and tea and then a can of mushroom soup for very late lunch.

I haven't got a clue what to do for dinner tonight, But I think I am going to make an old favorite - Pasta with spinach, Philadelphia and bacon. I don't know how much I will manage but I will take my time as always, and chew chew chew!

I think I actually might have a working band. Who would have thought it!! HURRAH!

Super teeeeee-ight & thank you

Well, things had settled immensely after the orange juice debacle yesterday, but we went to a friends for dinner in the evening. She had made 4 courses. This obviously strikes feelings of deep doom into bandsters around the globe, even one as slack and shizzy at it as me - especially after a fill! GULP

I knew that I was never going to be able to eat much, if anything, so as she served up, and I glugged some green tea (I had come armed with my pot and leaves!). I had a little nibble of a tiny asparagus spear in anchovy butter. It was... not the most pleasant of dishes I must admit. I had about 3 tips and then stopped as I felt chogged, even though I had pureed it to death and back in my mouth and drank, and waited and breathed and all those little tricks.

Nah.

It came back at me, and I passed on the soup, the beef stew and rice and also the caramel cheese cake. I Even       
Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn        
                                                   Passed on the WINE!

Yes it was a spectacular fail and I felt like a leper.

So we came home, after having actually a really really fun evening, food or no, to that time of day called:

"Try and take my tablets after a fill"

Its always a fabulous sort of family horror event, and last night  took the Golden Globes and Oscars in a clean sweep! 

By the end of the dinner party I was consuming a little water, had half a glass of red, and a little black tea relatively okay... so I thought I might as well give it a bash. Now I am not very good at taking tablets 'dry' so I have to have quite a lot of fluid. I thought that things were OK - there was some glugging, gurgling, belching, blopering going on in there at that special cleavage region of the chest, so I swallowed em down. After 2 minutes, I had to hurl. 

I take high doses of Gabaentin, Tolterodine and other concoctions for my lupus and my criminal piston pain (that's my word for the urethra for those new here) and I HAVE to take them or I start going into withdrawal. If I miss them, it only takes 2 days for me to be a twitching wreck trying to score a hit! I never miss taking them though - mainly because I am addicted to them so I never EVER forget!! These are the only tablets I have never forgotten. My body simply knows when it's time for pills!! HAHA  They are an Opiate based and nasty and am on em for life. So you can imagine that the thought of not taking these pills is like totally alien to my being. 

However, hurling these beauties is G R I M  I honestly could not believe the taste, it was unreal! I puked as only a bandit knows how, then it was immediately followed by a massive spasm of REAL vomiting and then proper dry retchy heaving for 30 seconds on the afterkillertaste! OH WOW! They were so bad, and kinda spicy and burny and frothy and hell like and tasted like death itself. 

Honestly, I have tasted some foul junk before, but this was on a new level. I swilled my mouth out fast with TCP mouthwash just to take the taste away. I hate it, but less than that mank! TCP was the only thing I could think of that would take the taste away and disguise it completely and luckily (!?) I only bought it the other day for my sore throat. Small merices!


DH said afterwards that the heaved pills stank the kitchen out like dead fish. Truly scary times. I have oft been tempted to make it easier after fills by opening the cases on the pills and just mixing them with water or something, but this has given me the whole answer in full. That's is not EVER happening. 

So after this headache, and a quick email to Jane that I needed an unfill pronto in the morning, we went to bed. I lay there gurgling the night away and willing myself not to salivate in fear of waking up vomiting. I slept really well strangely, and thought this little 0.5 was not too bad really whilst I slurped on my first cuppa of the day.


At 9am I gave Jane a ring, bless her she must HATE me! I had drunk 2 cups of black tea at this point, so things were looking good, and I thought that I had better let her know things were ok and I would manage. She suggested that I ring back at 2ish and let her know how things were going, which was a massive stroke because things disintegrated from the black tea onwards. 


We went out this morning for a couple of hours and I was sipping thoughout, but I noticed it just starting to slow down through the stoma! I only had a few sips of drink between 9am and 1pm. I was able to drink, it wasn't sticking, or making me sick, but I could just really feel it sitting there for a little longer than was necessary or needed. It felt uncomfortable and like I couldn't relax. I could feel everything going on; I was really aware of having a band and I just thought, you know what? I don't need this. So I called her up and asked if she could take a smidge back out. 

So this afternoon at 4:30 I had 0.2ml taken back out. So I just have an extra 0.3ml instead which I am really happy to have a go with. I could drink immediately although with that nice thunky glug noise which we all know and love, so things are on the march I hope!


On a completely different tack, I have been thinking about Babara and her girls today so much. I think its finally sunk in that Mark has gone and that lovely lady Barbara who has been so strong for so long is just shattered in pieces. I feel so deeply sad for them. I have never met her (or been to boobs cos I am a UK bandit) but I have followed her blog forever. I was so pleased and proud of us bloggers for the over 70 comments I saw on her blog this morning. We all really do pull together and no one is alone in their struggles, whatever they are, in this little world of cyber-reality. 

It takes something like that for us all to realise what we have created, all of us - A massive network of ladies and men from all over the place living their day to day lives with a band. Our lives come into our blogs so often, but I know I always wonder whats the use of telling some of the boring drivel I write about, but this is how Barbara is gonna get a heap of support she would never have known if she hadn't been a blogger or a bandit. If she had thought it was boring, or not of interest to us to know about her husband, her kids, her home and day to day stuff that shes gotten up to over the years, we would not have known about her struggles of late or be able to sense her pain now. We wouldn't have been able to give her the only thing we can - our love and support. 

We never know when we are going to need some kind words, love, prayers, a nudge in the right direction or just to be told to hang in there or that we are doing just fine. Sometimes we get told, and we didn't know we needed it until we see that email flashing with a comment. 


Its a cliche that we take stuff for granted, but I feel like I know so many of you, and I guess it goes the same the other way. That's simply lovely. 

I am glad that I found all of your people who read my blog. I know that when the chips are down, I have friend's to eat them with! 

Love to you all, and it goes without saying but especially to Barbara.  

Lapband Fill with pictures (the shame!)

Well today I done got me a cheeky fill!

I now have 6.5mls in my band. I had a little freak out earlier as I glugged some orange juice and it just sat there. ARGHHHHHHHH and for an hour it was sat sitting there and in the end had to barf. Since then all has been well. I vaguely remember that orange juice can have that effect. I think I had had a milky coffee earlier so it could have curdles with it... who knows. But at present its all ok.

Here follows a grotesque (i.e. my guttage) section of photos of me having a fill. it was a bad angle ok????!!! My lovely husband is to blame!

All sorted. I hate having to roll down my trousers to my caesarian scar hang over point. Its so humiliating!! Oh well, never mind. Soon I will be a scrawny bint! YAY thanks Jane!

Gym

Me and TB went to the gym today. I have been a member since the summer and apart from 1 time (shortly after the induction) I haven't been since.

I don't know why I haven't been cos I always kind of wanted to. Maybe because I had to go with DH and DS and I don't really want to go with them and have it like some family sweat time. DH is kind of competitive and even though he isn't competing with me, just trying to encourage me, it just gets on my tits when someone is like "how many reps did you do? WOW that's AMAZING!!! Well done". Saying that to me is like wrong. I know I shouldn't, but I feel patronised and belittled as if I just accomplished the impossible.

He would hate that I felt that way, but I just do. I don't really wanna be there with him all sweaty and getting down to it and me just loping along on the treadmill without my breathing even changing. I feel like its a competition, even though it's not, and it's a competition I can't win and the whole thing just gets messed up in my head.

Going with DS is OK, but again he gets on my nerves cos he is either complaining  all the time or being silly like "look I can go 10km per hour on one leg" or something, and it's not like I am competing with my own son, but it makes me feel small inside and stupid and fat and ugly.

So I have been trying to cajole TB into going, and she finally caved on Wednesday. I booked her induction for this morning and did my workout whilst she was shown the ropes with the instructor. I did 30 mins on the treadmill which was about 1 and a half km and 150 cals apparently. I then had a game of Fish on the rowing machine where you have to pull harder and to get your fish out of the way of the big sharks, but also vary the speed and pace to eat the 'good' fish to gain points. It takes 5 minutes and goes really fast because you are playing a game. Then I played darts, where the rowing machine is timed over 5 of your strokes to aim darts at a dart board. It helps you keep your posture and even rowing pace but gets a bit boring. Took 5 minutes to throw 100 darts and I still had 300 darts left so I though naaaaa and stopped.

Then I had a go on that wobbly tooth tickling machine called PowerPlate and gave myself some massages on full power for a minute a pop. Then I sat on one of the leg press things and had a nice rest whilst TB finished off.

We then went to get a coffee in the club house and went back to hers for some lunch. She LOVED it. I loved going with her cos we are both wanting to lose weight and we work well as a team. It will inspire us both and I think I have kind of missed the regular get togethers we used to have for slimmingworld and the like.

So all in all a good day so far.

Ermmm... just stuff

Lost a little bit more. Very peculiar. Weighed in yesterday at 119kgs, so that's pretty good.

Found that this week it's not been that hard to cook every day and leave all the crap out of my diet. If I am basically happy and not too tired I can manage to cook every day, get inspiration to cook and also, most importantly, not snack/end up puking.

Relaxing when I eat has had a big job to play into being ABLE to eat and essentially my emotional well being.

Contrary to practically every other bandster on earth, I seem to do better when I have my dinner on a plate, late at night, in front of the telly, take 3 hours to eat it and drink whilst doing it.

Yep. this is TOTALLY the 'wrong' way to do it apparently but its been brilliant. I think I have found that this is actually the right way for me.

Every day this week I have had soup for late breakfast and lunch then in the evening made dinner with the family. I give myself a plate of dinner too and sit down with them with it in front of me. I have eaten about 3 mouthfuls by the time they have all finished, so I just shove it in the microwave and then wash up, tidy up, get DS to bed, get a big pot of green tea on the brew and prepare myself.

I put a dining chair next to the sofa, put the pot of green tea on it, a cup and my dinner. Then I switch to my favorite programme with DH and we sit and veg. I slowly enjoy my meal, enjoy my tea, and then its time for bed.

This is absolutely freaking PERFECT for me.

It totally cures the "nibble at nightime" thing I used to have going on.
It totally cures the "I can't eat/ *retch*" situation if I try and eat with the family
It totally cures the "they have nice things to eat and I am deprived" emotional turmoil in my head
It makes me relax, take things slow, wind down, spend quality time with DH(ok that can be debated as it is just TV) and also end the day contented and satiated with a minimal amount of calories.

When I was trying to eat my protein first, trying to eat three meals a day etc... it just didn't work and I would puke and then feel rubbish and then eat a slider/chocolate that made me feel happy, full but also fatter.

I have never felt that sweet spot in all the 4 years I have had the band, but I think I've wasted a lot of time looking and to be honest I know I have good restriction. I don't feel hungry. Period. If I ate a bite of bread straight off I would vomit. If I eat too quick/don't chew things to death, I have to either:
1.) Stop and wait
2.) continue above + real deep slow breathing for a minute or two (give a slight buzz!! LOL)
or 3.) Puke

I have been scared as a rabbit in the headlights about breaking my band. After it broke the first time, I have been paranoia central worried about slips and breakage and port rupture etc. I have been so prissy with this thing but using it wrong all at the same time.

If anything it's only this last few weeks since we came back from holiday that I have felt normal. I kind of feel it's OK to be banded. It feels settled, not jerky or sore and I am not scared to eat like I was before in case something got stuck etc. Maybe the easy approach where I just get on with it is actually the best approach for me.

We shall see.

When we came back from  holiday I wanted to get a new bracelet. I had one that my dad found in the street. It was pearls and silver plated beads on elastic and it was really nice. The elastic was getting frayed after a few weeks so I asked for it to be put on wire. It came back from our jeweller on nylon with the phrase "this is just as strong" on the bag.

So I wore it, but I really wanted it on silver wire just because it would look better. Anyway after about 3 weeks the bracelet pinged off my arm and showered the car in beads! The little round silver plated beads were very very sharp at the centre as they were made from thin copper and had basically cut through the nylon!

So I gathered up as many as I could and sent them back with a note saying "Obviously not! Put it on WIRE!" on  the bag. 6 Weeks later I got it back on some metal wire, which made the whole thing smell like iron or hot pennies and the pattern was wack and some of the beads were even back to front. I think our dog would have made a better pattern match to be honest!

Anyway, although it wasn't the same, I wore it and it was OK I guess, but the ring like clasp they had put on it originally just kept catching on my clothes and whilst we were on holiday it pulled again and the ring clasp pulled all out of shape like a bent paper clip.

I was so disappointed. I had worn it for about 8 weeks out of the 6 months I had had it because of the time it had taken to get it mended (i.e.being for me and not for a 'real' customer) so I just took it off and threw it in the wash bag. I said to DH that when we got back I would make a new one from his Pandora style bead supplier Chrysalis.

So I found all my beads and spacers that I wanted:

And they all of together to make this:

The double chin was of course optional!!

I know it's not a typical Pandora style design that I have chosen but its very close to the original bracelet that my dad found only solid silver and larger. I love all those colourful pretty beads but they just don't look right on me. I nearly had one when we first got the Chrysalis in stock, but it just looked wrong. I also don't like the fact that when you have a few beads on they fall to the bottom of your wrist so you can't really see it. I like them all completely filled up with beads so I can enjoy it too not just the table top!

So I am absolutely thrilled with it. They must have thought we were mental when I said I wanted 9 pearl beads, 7 barrel spacers, 16 Swarovsky Chrystal spacers and a just 1 locket charm!

It's so great having our own shop cos there is NO WAY on this earth I would spend £450 on this bracelet. It cost me £125 trade which I did feel a bit sick at but then it is solid silver and pearl. it will last forever unlike the one my dad found on the street by the playing fields at the back of his house.

The old one was so lovely too, but no one claimed it. It wouldn't have cost that much but it was really nice. they took it to the police and put a card in the shop window but no one claimed it after 3 months so it was theirs. I loved it to bits, literally!! I will keep hold of it as I cant bear to just chuck it, and maybe one day if DS has a little girl she can have it to play dress up with me!

very very slowly losing (and message for Caroline)

Caroline, did you post on my last message babes? I got the one about a rider, and to delete it but nothing else. I got one today too asking if I posted the post. I assume there was a new one but I didn't get it or something. I also sent you an email but it bounced and then found your email change, so hopefully we will sort it out. I usually get emails from you when you post something, but haven't had anything as yet.


Anyway, just thought I would let you know that I am slowly, very slowly, creeping down the scale. I don't quite know how it is happening, but I GUESS - even after all this time - that its because I am not forcing myself to eat three meals a day, eating one nice meal in the evening and being relaxed when I do so. I cant be consuming 3500 cals doing that, which is what I would need to consume to maintain my fat butted carcass.

Good huh.

I am going for the fill. Hang it, can't hurt can it. We also get 2 months off our council tax payments in Feb and April so I will use it for that. Sweet.

Can't think of a title.

Back from Fuertaventura. It was awesome. High 20's and 30's  every day and about minus 10 at night (Celsius!) No, it was really lovely but you did need your cardie in the evenings because until 1st January the bar/lounge was thick with tobacco fog so sitting outside was a bit nippy.

Then a miracle happened. A smoking ban came in for our last week. YAY! So we could sit inside and see each other from across the table. And be a bit warmer too.

Can't believe Spain have introduced a smoking ban. Its a pretty smokey culture lets face it. I don't think anywhere else, apart from china maybe, has such a culture of smoking for leisure. It was fabulous after the ban it really was.

I used to smoke as you know, but never ever felt comfortable smoking in public or in bars... I always took myself off to the garage at home and sat with a blanket and a good book to have my fag. I never smoked inside the house, but I always smoked in the car. It used to while away the hours. I hated going somewhere and coming back reeking of fags so I always avoided smokey dives even when I was on 25 a day!!! Yes, it was really quite a career! Thankfully, and bafflingly, I have never craved cigarettes since stopping, and the smell puts me off more than whets my appetite, so its always find it a bit of a bonus these little smoking bans.

Anyway, news. The results came back clear for Paget's, so that's a bonus. Now we are on to trying to find out what the hell it really is. Apparently its rather baffling. I like to be different!

The band. Meh. What is there to say. It stopped me eating pretty much all holiday so I stayed the same weight (unheard of!) throughout my holiday.

I am toying with the ides of
a.)

Having all fluid out and doing slimmingworld really seriously

or b.)

Having a small fill so that I can eat absolutely naff all.

What say ye?

My fill provider - Jane Wilkinson-Tancock - suggested that maybe I needed a small fill - maybe 0.25ml. Her reasons were because my day is pretty much thus:
breakfast - coffee
lunch - tea (possible soup option)
dinner - tea
evening snack - full meal + toast + snacks

...so I need something to stop me eating so much in the evening.

I would appreciate your thoughts because it does make me wonder why I can eat whatever I please after about 9pm. However I think maybe this is not the best option for me and I should just forget it and do slimmingworld. It seems easier (and cheaper) and it means I can eat stuff.

It will be 4 years in February which I cannot believe. I need to do something one way or another as I just feel uncomfortable. I am not sure if I actually have what it takes to make the band work for me now as I am too far down the line, know all the cheats and am not able to control myself enough not to resort to them.

Maybe I just don't want to lose weight? I dunno. I am pretty sure I do cos I hate the way I look and feel, but I am not sure if I want to submit my body to the puking and not eating things again. I know people say  "nooo that is not how it should be!" but it is! It IS like that for me. Either I am not losing weight and eating like above, or too tight and I puke several times a day and get grizzly and annoyed because I cant eat stuff. That is what it's like. There doesn't seem to be the happy medium for me.
I have tried to find it but its the most elusive little fucker on earth.

Anyway, I dunno which way to jump. If I unfill then I have to stick to it or I am going to get bigger. If I have a fill I can see myself sitting in the same situation and being annoyed and frustrated just like I am now + a bit of puking.

hmmm.

Well we shall see. Do I give it one more little shot?

I haven't forgotten the idea of going to your clinic either Caroline :-) I might just do that.I know that when I was trying to stick to my calorie goal on daily plate it was very very hard. I wasn't doing slimmingworld though. If I do slimmingworld I can eat untold stuff and just avoid fats. If I have a fill I will eat less than I am now and that makes me feel a little sick too. Jeez. Does it really matter?

Actually does it?

'They're coming to take me away'

Ok, please appreciate that I have unbandaged my chopped finger to write this.

My poor little finger lost a portion of itself in an incident with a rather sharp mandolin. I had mixed all the ingredients - 8 eggs, broccoli, spinach and Stilton, and had nearly finished slicing in the 3 onions when SLICH, the top of my finger comes off.

Now friends, what would you do??? Yeah, I just mixed it all up, bunged it into the pastry case and shoved it in the oven and then attended to my gushing finger.

Hey, whats a little meat in a vegetarian quiche right?

So its been in a big old dolly of a bandage for a few days now cos that cut HURTS BAD! It's not like that deep, guessing on the gauge of the mandolin that would be just  2 millimetres, but its so big an area and it keeps bleeding cos it cracks open and stings like I dunno what!

So I was going to update this thing for you and say thank you for the comments of you two ladies and Caroline sent me a lovely point by point (was gonna say blow by blow! HAHA) letter and it really helped so thank you.

I cant say that I feel like I am ready to hit the band land road again or get myself sorted again but I don't feel quite so low and distressed about it.

I think that I need to get myself an aftercare package. I mean that would seem a little bit of a *DOH* moment being nearly 4 years out of surgery, but I never had one. My fills have to be carefully planned as each one costs me £125. I just don't really have £500 spare in a month to get myself to some kind of level of restriction/sweet spot by having tiny fills here and there. I wish I had that luxury and to be honest I think I can get a package for 2 years for about £600 so I think it might be worth it. I would spend that in a year anyway, so it would take the pressure off.

I am also always paranoid about my band not working, breaking blah blah blah and it would be nice to have someone know me, my history and talk to on a more regular basis than just 10 minutes getting jabbed on my couch and adios!

I am going to think about that in the new year.

Current stresses:
1.) I am worried that we wont cover the bills for our shop at the end of the year.
I keep being told by DH that this is totally NOT a problem and there will be plenty of spoil but for some reason its just freaking me out. Maybe I am focusing on this dilemma because I have another stress...

2.) I am awaiting the test results from a skin scrape for Paget's disease of the breast. This is a form of cancer where there are changes to the nipple, and the areola. The symptoms are an eczema type patch, sometimes with oozing (sorry for grossness but after the finger thing, if you are still reading you have either already thrown up your lunch already, or you are not squeamish!). Apparently by the time this shows up you have ductal (milk tube) carcinoma. The doctor took one look at it and said "Hmmm looks like Paget's" and of course I had no idea what that was until I got home and googled it and found

DUN DUN DUN...

A page on the MacMillan Cancer page all about it.

And there was me thinking I had some skin condition (well I still might... right? right????)

Brilliant.

So, currently not giving much of a fig about anything at all. Strangely manically calm - yes I do seem to be able to be very upbeat and carefree in my worrying about the second stress and tragically searching for answers to the first stress at the bottom of a gin bottle!


No seriously... Its not a good time, but I am really oddly coping with it. But I did have a Chinese last night... so maybe that helped!! LOL


Oh yeah, (for Caroline) I totally know which foods to pleasure myself with. Who needs sex when you can have and Indian or a Chinky?? LOL


3.) will we or wont we get on holiday this year? I have spent copious amounts of time looking for cheap holidays. At the moment its looking very likely to be Tenerife, Lanzarote or umm any of the other ones. But I cant book it yet and I am getting stressed thinking that rather than the prices going down, they might actually go up!!!!


I need help lets face it.


To sum up how my life is right now, you can't get much closer than this little gem:

Will lost

Ahhh guys, I really am struggling.

I was this morning 119kg, so no losses, and a bit of a gain since I bothered last time, but I am my own worst enemy.

I spend each day pretty much thus:

wake,
drink jasmine tea or black tea or black coffee

Possibly have lunch - maybe mashed potato with cheese, maybe a sandwich (prawn cocktail extra sauce on the side to help it down) maybe chicken noodle doodle packet soup. Usually nothing.

Mon/Tues/Wed
go to work, come home around 10pm order takeaway (current favorite, korma sauce for starter, followed by chicken madras and mushroom rice) or have a jacket potato with cheese and coleslaw + wine.

thursday/friday/sat/sunday
no work, so usually something I have made, but I rarely eat with the family. I like to wait, relax, take my time and eat at my pace on the sofa watching telly. I get myself a nice big pot of jasmine tea, my dinner, my favorite show that has been recorded on the sky+ and watch it.

Some meals I have made recently:
curry
spanakopita (spinach and cheese pie - greek dish, filo pastry etc)
waffles, beans, eggs & gammon
sausage & mash
jacket spuds
chicken salads

oh man its so depressing.

I don't know why I am even bothering to write this tripe down.

I am in a rut, know I have to change but just simply can't be bothered. Yesterday for instance I had 3 cadburys crunchie bars, 1 bowl of chickpea curry (homemade), 2 fishcakes, and a bag of prawns in cocktail sauce and half a bottle of red wine.

Why did I pick those things? I dunno. They didn't make me feel any better, I wasn't eating them because I felt bad/emotional/happy/sad I just ate them as that was what was around.

I got fish and chips for my son and his mate who was sleeping over, DH got his own thing when he went out in the evening to a show, Charlotte had dinner at her mates house, and I made the curry with rice for Al. I had a bowl of that whilst he was eating his cos it was tasty but that was it.

I later made myself the prawn thing and sat down and watched Dirty dancing: Havana nights (sweet film).

I am not feeling particularly hungry, but if I try hard enough - and you girls know what i mean i am sure - I can get a large meal down me.

I have never got this restriction word. Like actually understood it. Is restriction when you eat it stops in your throat, or a full feeling? I mean it's 9:20am. I have had nothing to drink and am straight out of bed so if i got a slice of toast/mouthful of porridge/rusk/cornflakes or even yogurt it would go GLUNK and sit there for ages. Is that restriction??

If I have a jasmine tea or 2 and then a mouthful of toast/porridge/rusk/cornflakes or yogurt it will go down. I will feel it - like "is it, isn't it hmmm" kind of feel it and then I will be able to have another bite 2 minutes later etc.... Is that what I should do?

Cos you know, I can never be bothered. Cos its such a flaming palaver, I just don't bother. I am not hungry, so why eat? Is this the mistake??

I get peckish around about 11am and normally will get something - a biscuit, or soup or something safe. Maybe I just know this band too well and know its weaknesses and its loop holes.

I am still heavier than I was at my operation date which is nearly 4 years ago now. It will be 4 years in February.

Oh man that just makes me wanna cry. I am still paying off the loan that I took out to have this surgery. I only have another year of that and then it's gone. It just feels like money for nothing.

I dunno if it's me, whether I am just not cut out for the band and I should have had the bypass, or what. I know we had a chat with the surgeon and he asked me all the questions to see which would suit me and there were several in our 'production line' Belgian weightloss surgery package club who were advised to have RNY. But not me. He said it would be fine.

I think I am just born to be a a fattie, but I worry about so much stuff right now that this is one thing I don't think I can look at. I have ruined hair, clothes that don't fit me filling my draws and a 2 week holiday looming down on me which is all inclusive and I have nothing to wear on and no money to change  the situation with.

I am getting to the point where I really really do think that this isn't going to work for me now. I had hoped after unfilling my band for those 4 months would re-open the window of opportunity but it's not doing it the same as before. I just don't know what to do. Should I have another fill so that I am tighter than a ducks bum and only able to 'eat' fluids??

Should I be following some kind of diet?

Everyone higher up (fill nurse, doctors and even Dr. Dillemans) says that you just eat normally. I don't know what normal is. I don't seem to be able to control myself to eat the right things.

Maybe if I had a RNY I would get my act together because of the horrible side effects if I didn't. But maybe I would just find the loop holes again.

I really don't know which way is up. I don't really want placitudes, or hope, or help, I just needed to tell you all that this is the situation right now.

If I had £6k I would be on the way to Belgium I think. The only thing is, I am really scared of RNY surgery because my dad had bowel cancer and the stitches came undone inside him when they put his bowel back together and he nearly died by defecating inside his body cavity (see older posts). Apparently this is common.

Now I know RNY is not the bowel as such, but they do chop a bit and stitch it somewhere else right? What if it came undone?????????? this is what I am worried about. I would also want Dr. Dillemans to do the surgery in Belgium as I think its so much cleaner etc, but it's Belgium and if I had a problem what would happen???

I might go and visit my doctor and ask her. I mean people emigrate all the time so they cant like refuse to treat you right?

Or am I just chasing a dream that is unrealistic. Does it really matter? I have a son and husband who love and adore me and although my legs are starting to mottle with broken starburst veins from my lupus.... I am not going to die too young am I?

From Lupus information sheet: 
Heart disease is more common than expected in patients with lupus and affects up to 10% of patients. Overall it is a factor in 30% of deaths in patients with lupus. Studies suggest that women aged 35-44 years with SLE are 50 times more likely to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) than healthy women of the same age. Risk factors should be addressed eg stopping smoking, losing weight. High blood pressure should be lowered and any other contributory factors (such as the anti-phospholipid antibodies which cause 'sticky blood') treated.

I have systemic lupus and also anti-phospholipid syndrome. I am also 34 years old.

The outlook is pretty darn bleak.

Ok, I am gunna stop now. I don't seem to be able to keep my will strong and pro the cause long enough to make a difference and I don't know how I can change my inner drive so that it will stay the course.

Mind transplant?