Photo's

I have added new photos to my shrinking drama here: Photo Gallery Feb 2007 to Present

I must admit I am not impressed with the size of my arris! It looks a gazillion times fatter and like, rounder!! I don't know what the heck is going on, but it must just be that the pants fit better and it's covering more of it or something. I can see definite changes around my middle and back and so it physically cannot be bigger, but still *sniffs*

I am a couple of kg's under my surgery weight now, so that's making me feel better, but I seem to have lost restriction over the last 4 or 5 days. Dramatically so.

Since my last fill I have been subsisting on, for breakfast maybe a green tea or a mint tea, soup for lunch and then a portion of the family dinner in the evening. It would take me ages to eat, and I find (contrary to every other bandster in the land it would seem) that sitting at the table to eat is not good for me. I sit on the sofa and eat my dinner after everyone else has had theirs. it worked.

Yesterday, however, I made lunch for DS and I - jacket potato with tuna and sweetcorn - and ate it. Then went to TB's daughter's party and had a piece of banana bread, piece of chocolate cake, jam and cheese sandwich and a tomato. All were just over bite size, but I still managed them no chokes.

 

Then we came home and I cooked for the lodgers - chickpea curry. I was hungry so had a bowl of it in the car en route to our mates G an R for the evening. We ordered a Domino's Pizza there and I had 4 slices of Veggie Volcano over the hour and a half we were there.

 

We came home and I had some more of the chickpeas curry in a bowl.

None of these were earth shatteringly massive portions, but this is A HUUUUUUGE amount compared to say 2 weeks ago.

2 weeks ago I would never have been able to eat banana bread or cake or pizza!!!!

So, my loss seems to be making my little friend Albert take a back seat.

I am deliberating on whether to call in reinforcements, or give it a week or two and see what happens...

I have never been in this situation before. I know that seems really hard to believe, but I have never had a great restriction which suddenly disappears and the tell tale signs like you all get.

I should maybe be unhappy about this but I am actually thinking "Sweet lord, this thing is doing what it does for other mortals!!!" and enjoying the experience. At least with this experience and sensation I have been reading about on blogs for over 4 years and know it's normal!!

 

So to fill or not to fill... I dunno yet, but will of course tell you when I do. I am currently hungry so am off in search of succor...

Yay another number on the scales!!

Man the weighing in Kilo's thing is really working magic on my dumb brain. I cannot believe I have managed to fool it since October and it still hasn't found out!

I have no idea why but it just makes me feel AMAZING when I see the scale move from 113.3 to 112.9 today. We are talking realistically 400 grams. But I don't give a shit! It's a whole 0.4kgs!!!! 4 places on the scale!! My dumb brain that has been using stones and pounds all it's life sees this as being truly earth shattering!

Before when I was weighing in lbs and I saw a 4 point shift it meant 4 pounds. It was a complete psych out when that happened. I would then be so drastically disappointed at losing half a pound. It would feel like everything I had been doing was for absolute nothing, shove me into a fit of depression and slam my face into a chocolate fudge brownie or 8.

changing to Kilo's means I feel stoke on very little weight loss. The numbers change so quickly that it feels like I am really getting places. I know I am actually going very very slow actually, but the trend has only been down since December... that HAS to be a huge milestone in the history of this blog. I am letting my band work for me and just going with it. This has to be the first time I haven't fought the band since I had it inserted 4 years ago.

Ok, I went up a lot higher than my surgery weight, in fact i think I was back up to my heaviest weight ever... but since then I have lost 9.1 kilograms! I am really really happy with that. I am a quarter of the way there so even though it's taken me 6 months, I can see the end result of this nightmare journey in 18 months or so. 2 years in the grand scheme of things is no problem.

I feel positive and happy and glad all over! I will take some more pictures and add them to the weight loss photo gallery this weekend as it's nearly 10kgs! LOL.

Little non scale victories this past couple of weeks include my watch not being tight around my wrist and digging into me any more (or should I say it doesn't dig into me 'once again'!) and I can wear my bra's again without wanting to wear an oxygen backpack to help me breathe!

I refused point blank to buy new bras so I just stopped wearing them for the last 6 months. It has been hard stopping those bad girls from a bid to freedom at the gym, work, shopping etc, but I just was disgusted that I had put on so much weight that I could no longer fit into my 42GG bras. I was NOT going to buy 44 or even get one of those extensions. I just let them fly free!!

I got a dab hand at wearing smock tops and shirts that didn't give a shout out to my nips and when I was teaching I trussed myself up for a few hours. Whilst wearing the evil yolks I could not drink or eat, even for several hours after their removal. However, this week I shoved one on and was pleasantly surprised that I not only drank a coffee that a pupil made me, but didn't get home and rip the thing off and fling it on the counter but sat down and ate dinner with it on, and only realised I still had it on when we got ready for bed!

So, there must have been a bit of back/chest shrinkage. All I can say to that is AMEN!

So, hello to the 112's. Having been with the 113's a while I hope I am not with you for long, and roll on the 111's.

Happy Bunny

Today, Bunny is most definitely happy.

I have lost 1.3kgs his week bringing me to 113.3kgs ... which is about 3 pounds and I am now a whole kg under my original Surgery weight which was 114.3

Just been to the gym and burnt off 350 calories too so feeling freaking smug.

Might take some more pictures of my carcass later on if I remember. I kind of want to get to 10kgs lost though so that I can see a good difference. I figure that if I take pctures every 5kgs, it will make an awesome photo shrinking montage.

Anyway, hope you're all doing ok and making progress with this little silicone baby. If you are not, then take heart and read back through this blog as its been hell quite frankly, but things are moving on down now!

hugs

xbunnyx

The Gym

I am struggling with the gym at the moment... not because it's hard work, or I hate it, or anything negative like that, but because I have hurt my foot really bad. I even went to A and E on Friday - during the Royal Wedding - to get it x-rayed.

My gym instructor says it's some kind of muscle thing and I didn't quite catch the name of it, but it was something like bla-bla-itis. It's the worst thing to happen to me right now.

Not only was I enjoying the gym, but we had been going regularly since 28th January 3 times a week and I had really improved my fitness levels. TB and I both started out lightly and didn't even break a sweat, but after a few sessions we really started to get going and I was doing 30 minutes on the treadmill at 5.3kph on random hills level 7!!! I was well pleased with myself. That was followed by 20 minutes cycling at level 9 and 75rpm and then 10 minutes rowing or mixed leg weights.

I was well chuffed with myself.

My foot had been playing up a lot, and it would be really really sore the next morning, but once I got going it would ease the knots out and would be ok. Any time I sat still for a bit, I would hobble for a while, but nothing really major. It was livable.

We went away on the 15th April for DS's Internet school residential weekend thing in Wales. It was awesome but meant that there was no gym on the Friday or the Monday. Wednesday went by as TB wasn't feeling great, and I had loads to do having been away for 4 days. Friday it was shut because of Good Friday, then Monday was shut too. The following Wednesday - 27th April by now - we went.

I typed in the usual 5.3 at level 7 on the teadmill and it nearly killed me. Those short 2 weeks had nuked my fitness level and I needed to slow it right down and we actually come home early as we were both dead! I was shocked actually at how quickly you lose fitness!

I was hobbling a bit afterwards, but no more than normal, but Thursday morning WOW! What a pain. It was so excruciating, I just stayed in bed and on the sofa. It KILLED!

On Friday, I managed to get through the wedding ceremony but googled foot problems during the hour wait for the balcony scene and came across the words "Stress Fracture" and got the willies! So we hot footed it (hee hee) to A and E with DH rightly thinking that most people would not be harming themselves currently as they would be watching the wedding. We got seen to really quickly and stuff and it wasn't broken, just sprained some of the muscles.

That didn't really help.. especially the usual "Take some ibuprofen..." which followed with me once again saying to a doctor who has ALL my notes... I CANT TAKE IBUPROFEN I HAVE A BAND YOU MORON.

*sigh*

So I popped some of my dads stash of codeine tabs he gave me now that he doesn't have pain from cancer and they knocked the pain on the head good and proper!

But today, I have been to the gym and my foot hurts now. Right now. Tomorrow its going to be criminal.

I was even really good at the gym and did 30 minutes walking at 4.3kph and no hills :-( and then 10 minutes rowing and 20 minutes bike at level 5. It seems it is still not low enough not to cause me pain.

This sucks.

On the other hand, I think to myself... it hurts anyway, so why not just suck it up. So shall be continuing until the tendon snaps or whatever and I cant do it any more!!!

I shall keep taking it easy and see how things go. Rubbish cos I only burnt off 300 cals today instead of 450.

I also have the squits today - think it was the tuna I had last night. Was a bit manky tasting.

Down down down & out

Would love to tell you peeps that I have lost shit loads this month. Haven't. But have lost!

YAAY

Last Saturday I had a little teeny weeny fill with Jane. Just 0.2mls but blimey, what a difference! I have puked quite a bit, so I need to go careful until i work it out. I haven't, however, had one of those awful 'can't swallow my own spit' episodes. I think i would definitely have had one if I had had 0.25!! Isn't it funny how very very VERY little fluid makes a difference when things are going right!

It's impressed me to be honest.

I am currently waiting on my Roast Beef dinner to go down... small amount of vomit where I didn't completely chew a bit of broccoli to death... and then I can have my pudding. I might give it about 2 hours until I try!

All I can say girls is HOOOO FLIPING RAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got on the scale this morning, and it wasn't earth shattering (maybe that is a good thing too!! HAHA) but it was lower. 114.9kgs. A whole new number to play around with and plug into the Gym Machines!!

I have only lost 7kgs since October, but I feel so much better for it. This time last year I was only a few pounds lower than I am now. That gives me a lot of hope as I got a whole HEAP heavier. It's slow, but the trend is down down down!!!

Tomorrow I have ambitiously decided to stage a Hen Night for my friend.

We start with tapas... mixed olives, cheeses and quail eggs then a starter of Mozzarella wrapped with Prosciutto and dressed with a Chilli Spiked Pesto, followed for Main of a Mixed Fondue - Beef, Scallops, Prawns, Corn, Okra, Broccoli and Cauliflower with different dips and a tempura batter to fry it in and the finishing with Rhubarb and Lemongrass Fool, with rhubarb lemonade (made with the juice from the rhubarb, desert wine and lemon juice!! YUM)

should be good, but with the stress, having to wear a bra and the general quantity I am feeling less than optimistic about how much I will eat. At least I am at home and can puke at will!! LOL

Anyway, much love ladies, must go and watch my fave show... Home and Away!!! LOVE IT!

night all

rar

small roar.

Like what a lion would do if someone said to a sad lion in a cage "GROWL SUCKER!"

rar.

Like... um, yeah.

Feeling a tad pants. No real reason, just the usual. Weightloss about 100g a month so pretty rubbish.

"The right way though" I hear you say.

Yeah, it's the right way. Hopefully by April 2036 I will be at goal. Who knows. Seems a little far off if ya know what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

I just keep rolling that "4 years maaaaannnn" over in my head and feeling like a failure. No, not a failure, like I was failed. I feel cheated again and miserable.

*Massive sigh*.

On a positive note, having a fill tomorrow. Cant freaking afford it at all, but what the heck.

Just so you know how much I can eat, at breakfast time, with a band... check this out:

Do I feel guilty? Hell yeah!!! I should not be able to eat this food porn. The only plus is that it was 100% homemade, organic everything and the bread was my own too. Yeah, I know - doesn't matter a fig does it.

Hence the fill... I am thinking 0.25ml...

I need a boost. And quick.

hmm

Things are plugging on as normal around here.Nothing much to report on the band front, or the weightloss front except that I am probably eating too many calories... I think I should be eating about 1600 per day to lose a couple of pounds a week.... so going by that I figure that I must be exceeding this somewhat! LOL

I haven't really lost any significant weight, and you can see by my updated photos that there isn't much of a difference to the old carcass either. I can kind of see some movement of blubber on my back, but lets be honest... you have to really try hard to see the difference!

Oh well, I am not worried about it and I am happy in my very very slow progression or 'turtling' as Tina might say. I am certainly not going up so PHEW!

I currently have other annoyances. Check these out. I am flummoxed to say the least. I have lupus right... however, I have never had a rash with it, and my bloods are all fine showing no inflammation and my ANA test is also fine. So what the heck are these bad boys?

and a close up:

another, just like it's brother but smaller:

One that is a trinity of scratchyness:

and one that's on the return - by tomorrow it will be a horror on the bra line:

I have obviously consulted many many a photo on google of discoid lupus rash and this is pretty much the same. It has been scraped *wince* two times and analyzed for bugs or microbial pests, does not respond to steroid creams of varying strengths, fungicidal creams of many varieties, antihistamines or a bleeding good scratching.

Its a pest and a thorough annoyance. Two of them are in really 'wrong' areas. as a teacher it is not the done thing to st scratching yourself in lessons, but even more so on your bikini line or bra line! The big nasty back one is fair game though as is the one on the other side.

all of these weird things are on my trunk so I just don't know what they are but I have had them for about a year now in varying degrees of size and they are multiplying at about 1 new one every 3 months or so.

So there you go. any ideas on a postcard to

"Run Rabbit Run, The Warren, Bunnyville, England"

Thank you.

How the other half lives... or... What I wouldn't give to have THIS report!

The other half of me - my brother - came up the other weekend. On the way to our house he stopped at a service station and after having a Burger, chips, coke (full fat!) and 6 dunkin' donuts, jumped on those pay per weigh scales that these places have. He was obviously fully clothed and also in his coat.

How the other half lives...


Yes, that's right. Even after a full meal and loading him down with his clothes, he is underweight with a BMI of 19.5. He also has only 12% body fat.

I, on the other hand, have the fat index of a pork scratching.

How is it possible to be the complete opposite of my ever loving brother? It reminds me of the poem Jack Sprat...

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
And so betwixt the two of them
They licked the platter clean

Yes, it is indeed the conundrum of my life.

Bad weekend

Hello my old fruits. That's what I need to stick to - fruit!

Oh dear, it was a bit of a chocolate frosted weekend. I dunno about you guys but having restriction is GREAT!

O my gosh did you like EVER think you would hear me say that after 4 years of whinging about how rubbish this band is?

This weekend I felt like murder. I was post menstrual - goodness only knows why - and in need of crap to eat. I ate two large bags of minstrels (Caroline - we share that passion!), a couple of bottles of wine, 10 packets of quavers, a few packets of crisps, a curry, a Chinese and to top it off - rice and sauce - the yummy fermented bean sauce I love that's like 1000 cals a teaspoon! I was proper bloated on Friday and Saturday and Sunday. Mmmmm Yummy.

So after this spectacular fall from grace I was a little wary of the scales... so I hopped on just for laughs this morning. 117.3kgs HEEE HEEE!!! Exactly the same thank goodness! I am taking that and running with it.

I delved into this conundrum a little more - you know the one:

Eat dross, stay the same weight/lose weight

This is a common thread which I can never seem to grasp. I plugged in all my calories into Livestrong.com and came up with an interesting fact. 

I ate less than 2500 calories each day!

Because of the band, although I wouldn't want to do it all the time, I ate a load of crap and was still under my calorie goal. Before the band before my band was fixed and I had the right restriction I was eating all my meals + CRAP.

I am not going to lie, my eating is pretty rough sometimes, but I am glad that I now know that Albert is helping me with damage limitation. I went to bed full as a stuffed feather pillow. I could not possibly have eaten anything else. It just wasn't possible for me to over eat at the weekend!

So ladies... this is what it's like to have a lapband huh? I like it!

Anyway, after 3 days of bingeing on junk foods, this morning my mouth feels like Ghandi's flip flop and I am craving salad and water and fruit (some chance!) and water and veg and water. Water mainly! I am off to the gym later so have a great monday everyone!

FOOD PORN BLOG

Oh my gosh after reading that Tina's husband was supplying her with food porn on his blog I went on a quest for more. Like her, I truly believe looking at it in all its glory can be just as good as the real thing and I found a cracker and this is it over at foodiewife-kitchen.blogspot.com click the link to view in technicolour!

FOOD PORN HEAVEN

Wow she is AWESOME and I am totally 'getting off' on her cooking. It is out of this world and some of her recipes that she creates are to die for. I will of course never be able to indulge in (for instance) lemon smashed potatoes - potatoes boiled in milk and then mashed with it and some lemon zest and served with green beans and lemon infused fish fillets. Wow, unreal stuff but truly gorgeous.

Indulge at your own risk!

Little deal

As opposed to a big deal!

The scales gave in an moved to 117.3kgs this morning. YAY. That means in just over a month I have done half a kilogram. So, like I said, little deal.

The gym was tough today for some reason. I found myself willing the time to go and I was really achy. I guess some days are just harder than others. Who knows.

Did my training for my new 'secret' job yesterday. I cant say what it is outright, because I can't draw attention to the fact that I am doing it and having it tied in with personal details and coming up on a google search, but it happens every 10 years, involves lots of questions... if you get my drift.

That was pretty cool. I am looking forward to it a lot actually.

Anyway, that's me checking in for now. Still alive, still not thin ;-)

Adios!

You never see a tubby smackhead

I was watching this show yesterday and this guy was talking about diet pills which just cracked me up!
I think the highlight of the one liners last night was "Forget diet pills. Just take Heroin! You never see a tubby smackhead!"  Oh man if it that was socially acceptable hobby I would give it a go for sure! Another great ones was "How can a man who spends his days pumping cream into buns be homophobic?" ahh man it was so funny.

I had never seen it before, but its really good. Its a stand up comedian just doing jokes about the current week of news and topical subjects. I posted one of his little funnies I found on You tube just below. If you get a chance check it out - Russell Howard's Good News.

Anyway, onto band news... well things have moved a little bit in the right direction. I am currently 117.4kgs and holding. So that's nearly 5kg since October. I have made a few conscious mistakes just because I wanted succor in the form of chocolate and crackers and crisps but still managed to lose. Wine has also be partaken of, and obviously that wont help the weightloss either, but I have enjoyed myself.

I think that if I hadn't been going to the gym, I wouldn't have lost weight though. I think that 350 -400 calories I burn there 3 times a week has got to help me out really. It is my fourth week now. TB and I started on Friday 28th January so we have gone 3 times a week for a month without skipping or missing a session. The one week I couldn't do our regular day, we went the next one to make up for it.

We go Monday, Wednesday and Friday for about 1 hour to 1 hour 30mins each time. I definitely feel fitter and am still as up for it as I have ever been. We are going a bit later today but we usually go about 10 as that fits with work and stuff. I will take a video of the gym session today and show you around our health club!

Last night I made a scrummy band friendly dinner.

I have no idea what to call it, and most of the names I can come up with sound rank and yuk but here it is:

This is vegetarian and serves 6 healthy appetites!

1 bag of Kale (or strong Greens/Cabbage)
2 cooking apples
1 onion
10 spring onions (green onions)
4 sticks celery
2 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons sunflower seeds
salt and pepper
2 teaspoons mustard
1 tablespoon of sugar
1 package of ready rolled Pastry

Fry the onion and celery together in a little olive oil/butter or even water until soft

After frying and softening the onion and celery add the cooking apples to the mix and stir continually as they stick easy and burn easier!

  After the apples start to moosh a little add the rest of the stuff - kale, spring onion, garlic, mustard, seeds, salt, pepper and sugar and mix that baby until it looks a little like this:

Then get your pastry and divide it into two. Roll both pieces out separately into an oblong shape - it should already be big enough in width, so just roll it so its a bit longer - about the length of your baking tray. As it will be thin, put it on greaseproof paper and then dump half the mixture onto one side of the pastry like this:

 

fold the pastry over to cover it and stick all the edges together and you should end up with a kind of strudel shaped thing. Do the same with the other one and then put them in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes on about 175 deg C (fairly hot - like what you would bake stuff at) and you should end up with 2 of these beauties:

these cut up into 4 reasonable portions or 3 generous portions depending on how many you have to feed/ how hungry they are!! But it looks like this on the plate:

I served this with boiled carrots and mashed potato and it was scrumptious! Calories - in the mixture there was about 300 for the whole lot (as I used olive oil to fry with) and the pastry when divided into six portions was just under 300 cals so a lovely scrummy pie suitable for bandits was 350 cals! 

Right, I am off to the gym, see ya'll later x

Russell Howard's Good News - Homophobic Baker

Freaking peeved

I notice that this months posts have all been rather down and the mouth, sorry. I am not particularly down at the mouth, nor down at the scales it would seem. I am 117.9kgs today. Yay.

NOT YAY!

I cannot work out what the heck-a doodle is going on in my body but it would seem, against all scientific studies on earth, that my metabolism works backwards. If I eat a full pile of stupidenss and sugar all week - I lose weight or stay the same. If I exercise like a sweaty pig and eat less - I gain.

Well what does that suggest to one that is trying to eat less and exercise. Yeah, seems like its not worth it.

Good grief! WHAT THE???????????

Man I know you guys are all awesome and stuff but I have absolutely no idea why you bother to follow this blog as its such a pile of utter drivel and self loathing.

Even I don't have any idea why I write it!! I mean seriously? What IS the point of it.

*Death Sigh*


I just took a minute there to cover my face with my hands and rub it. I just don't know what to do any more. I am sitting here trying to be positive. I CAN'T. What can I be positive about. I busted my ass for 3 and a half weeks and I am heavier now than I was at the start.

Oh jeez. I need help and I have pretty much exhausted all possibilities.

I know that unbanded is not the way to go. I put on a lot of weight real quick so I know it's not the answer. But banding isn't either. Something MUST BE WRONG WITH ME. Like INSIDE.

Its not physically possible to expend more calories than you consume and NOT lose weight.

Maybe I am am the right person to send to the Amazon or Sahara or Himalayas or Antarctica. I would get fatter and fatter as I ate less and less and exercised more and more. I am a scientific DREAM! I should be studied. People can write their thesis' on me. COME ON! Contact me scientists!!! Old Captian Scott would have took me on the team. I dunno about them, but I woulda defo made it home right????  

I am not going to stop because I can't. I can't afford an unfill or a fill (and I am as tight as the proverbial D.A. anyway). I can't stop going to the gym as I have to do it for TB. I also


Enjoy it!!!!!


There I said it, but really small just in case anyone hears!

I am committed to shifting this bulk, but I just don't know how to do it any more chapettes.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!

(and that's just a scream cos I am ticked of right? I'll be ok in a few days..weeks lol)

450 cals

Not bad. That's like my whole lunch gone in one gym session.

I have been keeping up with the 3 times a week gym routine. I havent a clue if its doing me any good, but seem to be getting quicker, further round the track and burning more calories every time I go... We normally go for an hour. I have definitely upped the pace and graduation on the treadmill and made it tougher on the bike so I guess it must.

Weigh in tomorrow am. Be there or umm not. :-)

4 Years ago...

Well what do you know? Time flies when you're not having fun.

All the ups and downs that the last 4 years have seen are pretty much accounted for here in this blog.

So, not being negative at all, but just wanting to re-cap

This time 4 years ago I weighed 18 (252lbs) stone exactly. Today I am about 18 stone 9lbs (261lbs 118kg)

What have I learned?

Not a whole lot to be fair. I have learned that nothing is a 'cure' for this hellish nightmare with our weight, although it seems some have better success than others.

I have learned that no one has the answer to whats going on in our bodies other than ourselves.

I have learnt that we are the masters of our own success or failure.

I have spent a considerable amount of money over the last 4 years on dieting, dieting aids, clothes (smaller and even bigger than pre banding), diet foods and not to mention fills - 20 fills over 4 years at roughly £125 a throw ain't great.

I am still battling my own inner voices, checking out food porn (cheers Tina), wishing I could do anything to turn the clock back and not have made those bad choices/taken on board those issues before they went out of control.

I am however, alive, banded, have a beautiful husband and child and not reached the age of 35 yet...

So, here's to another year of - oh please God hopefully - slimming.

p.s. am writing this at 3am because made a stupid stupid stupid mistake of having 3 clementine segments at 8pm. Whoops. Puked all three bits back out, but still haven't managed to eat dinner yet and am feeling woozy. Kind of given up on food, but my pills NEED taking tonight or I am shot.

Way down

...my eating that is!

I have noticed that since fill #20 - yes, twenty - I have been eating a lot less.

Today I had the most stressful day for ages. Stress always gets my band tight when its filled nicely, and today was no exception.

To kick off we had an Sky HD upgrade planned for between 8am and 1pm. I was shattered after finishing work yesterday at 10:30pm and then having to spend 2 hours with DS finishing his homework when I got in so I was looking forward to Sky man coming at about five minutes to one this afternoon!!

No such luck. The bloke rings at 8:25am and says he will be there at 9:00am. Ah well, at least I can go back to bed after he has done his thing, thinks I. Nope.

He arrives at 9:30 (!) and then does one of those "Oooh, Ahh, I dunno" scratches of the heads that tradespeople seem to do when they think they have wifey at home all dumb and stupid. He says "Think your tubes have gone in your telly."

"Tubes?" I ask - perplexed as to why my plasma telly has tubes... then he goes "er... yeah, there's horizontal lines there on the blue screen... they are at the back of the plasma screen". Hmmm well yes, I can see lines, as I have done since we got the thing new. I flick the channel to one that actually has a picture rather than just a plain blue screen, and no sign of lines. "Oh that's good look, I cant see it now its actually on a channel, so I wont mind that matey" says I.

Then blow me if not 2 minutes later hes scratching his nuts again and oohing and ahhing over the state of my wiring to the phone socket "Oooh i dunno luv, looks like that's gunna be dodgy. Might need a new socket..."
"Well its not plugged into the phone line at the moment, nor has it been for the last 8 years, so don't bother plugging it in mate ok?"

"No no no no luv" he goes "You have to av it plugged in like cos yous taken out another contract".
"Oh no no no no mate, it slows the broadband, makes a scratchy noise on the line and I am gunna whip it out the minute you leave anyway - even if you do get it in there - so just don't bother yeah?"

"Oh alright then"

Hit me.

There were several other mini dramas that I totally ignore... line to the box, wrong cables bla bla bla. I am paying you to do the freaking job mate, so quit whining and do it!

Finally, and hour after he arrived, he gets the box out of his van. Surprisingly it all works. After the palaver he made you would have thought I needed a hot bath and a razor. Life just wasn't worth living the way he was going on! Do I have "M.U.G" written on my head? Well I must have because just after he left at 11:30am, I get a call from Microsoft technical support.

Yes, Microsoft technical support. Apparently they don't normally ring, but they had had a log of several threats on my computer and wanted to help me clear them.

Oh course I put the phone down straight away didn't I.

Ummm.... nope. I didn't. I quizzed the bejayzus out of them - I really did - about how did they know it was my particular PC and not one of the other 4 in the household; how did they know it was MINE that was causing the error; where were they calling from exactly again; and how did they get my name, number, dob, email address, postal address and mothers maiden name etc? THATS RIGHT!!!! They had all that info.

So I thinks... Ok maybe they are for real, but I am no pushover. I consider myself pretty darn computer security savvy. I know what a phishing email is/hoaxes look like and I don't get pushed into changing gas/electric supply every week and I know a scam when I hear one. How many rich uncles in Nigeria can one girl have right?

They were very patient "yes, its totally understandable that you want to verify us Mrs. Bunny... bla bla" so I let them guide me to the relevant files they had had issues coming through on. I needed to check and low and behold there are an amazing array of threats on my computer. Loads of warning files and errors. I was really worried! They should have Oscars for con men cos they were freaking brilliant!

So I am totally convinced that the chap I am speaking to is who he says he is, and am going along with all this guff. He took control of my computer remotely and even as I type this I know you are all hanging your heads thinking I am a freaking foooool of gargantuan proportions but I am telling you I WAS FOOLED.

I 100% believed every word they said, and was sucking it right up and it actually worries me MORE because there must be thousands of people out there who wouldn't even have questioned these people. I questioned them for about 10 minutes and they still managed to convince me...

...right up until he showed me a screen where some log shows that my security layer on my computer was expired and I needed to reinstate it.

Uh oh... ding a ling a ling. Bunny you stupid rabbit!!!!

This was 30 minutes into the call. Alarm bells started to ring and I though Oh My GOD. I am in the middle of a scam. The next breath and he shows me a website saying the prices of the different packages I can buy to reinstall my security shield ranging from £20 to £120. Yep. A website lashed up just to take cash.

Well by this time I was fully aware, but hold my cool and said "Oh no, my handbag is in my husbands car and hes at work. Can you call me back this evening and we can do it then when he gets home?" and a "sure ma'am" came from him. Then he proceeded to give me his phone number 02081239216 and his name Austin Wells and that we could call him back any time.I thanked him SOOO much for helping me and I hung up.

I am well aware that often if you hang up or are rude at that point (when they are still in control of your PC!) they can execute files etc that can cause grievous harm, so I just kept it cool...

After hanging up I immediately shut my computer down and disconnected it. My PC has been thoroughly cleaned and thankfully there are no key loggers, no jammers or viruses or spyware thank god, but it was the fright of a lifetime. I thought as a precaution I would just change all my passwords and pins and everything as it's probably a good idea anyway.

So, friends of mine, if you get a call from Windows support and services department because your International IP address has been showing errors and they don't usually phone, but there was like Sooooooo many... you know what to do.

They used the run application on windows to enter the code eventvwr which showed up all the logs... go ahead on your computer and have a look. You will find errors and warnings as that's what it logs. Its a LOG. lol.

What a dumb ass I was. they used www.logmein123.com to remote access my PC  and the website they took me to that was basically phoney was techsupportonline.in Obviously don't go to these websites cos they might have viruses on - i dunno - but I am just adding this info so that they cant scam anyone again and others who got sucker punched like me can hopefully see ahead of time that its rubbish.

It might seem like I am trying to save face after the event, but I honestly never thought I would ever be tricked into doing something like that and it was relatively easy, so everyone must beware. At the end of the day I didn't need to write this here!! It really really scared the flip out of me at how easily and readily I was fooled.

Upshot - have eaten naff all today!! HAHA

I felt like crying immediately ofter the call, was shaking and not in a good state because my computer would not immediately tun back on so I was kind of freaking out. It tightened my band up to squeaky badgers butt tight and I could not eat allllll day long.

By 1pm I had managed to change my bank details and gone through on my sons laptop other accounts - ebay, paypal etc etc and ahything else I can think of that might mean I get robbed! By 2pm I decide to have some soup. GLERK! One teaspoon sat there on the band like a cork plug so I thought forget it.

Spent some considerable time on the phone to my mum, TB and DH at the shop and recanting the days dramas then got myself together to look at lesson plans for the afternoons work and dragged my bum out the door to go to work all strazzled (Stressed + Frazzled).

I get in the car and RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr RRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr clunk.

O h h h h h hhh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I jump out the car like a mad thing just as my next door neighbour walks onto my drive (who can hardly walk as she has had a stroke - except not a nice person AT ALL and a complete beeyatch unless she needs something)

"YES?" I scream????

This is the same neighbour that ticked me off over our extension so pleasantry's are hard to come by and I am all out of nice today anyway!

She has locked herself out and do I have a spare key.

"No, I gave it back after you shopped us to the council!" I said. Then smiled sweetly. Her face was a PICTURE - It was so worth the 16 month wait! (Funnily enough the council sided with us YAY but thats another story)

I turned on my heels and marched back up the drive, grabbed the WD40 from the porch and whipped up the bonnet. Neighbour from hell is in the passenger seat of a car, and in the drivers seat is some snotty looking woman who is obviously doing her good turn of the year

"I say," snotty woman says "do you know what's wrong with the car?" she asks.
"I am a mechanics daughter. Of course I do!" I yell back like a fish wife.

I dress very smartly for work so it must look quite comical as with WD40 in hand, I swish my cashmere shawl and beautiful handmade french necklace out of the way, stand well back to stop the car grime getting on my wool suit and pop the bonnet. I rake around, lift the plastic cover from the bit my dad tells me to and squirt away. I squirt all wire connections and belt this metal drum style thingy (tip from dad too), slam the bonnet, squeeze loads of antibacterial gel on my hands to get rid of the grease (works like a dream btw!) and then fire up the old horse.

Blue smoke blows out and we are off! With a cheesy grin to posh woman and hell neighbour, I back out leaving them to sit on their drive until someone comes with a key.

When I say day from hell! PHEW!

However it doesn't end there! I get 5 miles up the road and realise I have forgotten a cruicial book for my 2nd pupil! After mending the car, there is not enough time to do lessons one, go back to get the book and then go to lesson two.

In a blind hunger starved panic I about turn, ring pupil one and explain that I have had car faliure and reschedule for later in the evening. I dive home to see hell neighbour still sitting in the car on her drive -  GLEE! (Yeah, I know I'm horrible but it made a tiny chick of sunshine in my day!)

So I grab the book and off I finally go to work.

I hadnt eaten or drunk a drop all day. I was so shattered by 9pm, with still 2 lessons to do that I got one of those teeny tiny small power shots from the garage for £2.50. They are 5 calories for 25mls of caffeine and what-not but wake you up for hours. Well its 3am in the morning and I am still awake but JEEEEZ it gave me well bad acid heartburn and I threw it up about 45 minutes after I drank it down - and even then I had to sip it!

There is nowt so demure as a cashmere clad fat lady barfing up in the headlights of her car on the side of a country road, knee deep in grass and most likely roadkill.

I dunno about anyone else in the UK, there just seems to be an awesome amount of roadkill on the road tonight. Huh, random!

So when I got in I was glad to see a nice curry sitting on the counter. I had a green tea whilst I did DH's accounts (he had deep cleaned my computer up even more once he got home), did the bills and sat down to eat at midnight. I had about a cup of rice and curry, 1 popadom, 1 glass of red wine and half a bag of tootie fruities (little sweeties).

What a day.

Thank goodness it's over!

Now I am off to bed, and I am NOT getting up until lunch for love nor money!

DO NOT USE POWER PLATE WITH LAP BAND

Well that's pretty final.

I rang them, seemed like the easiest option. Actually it wasn't because it took about 30 minutes until I had been connected and connected and on hold several times to get to the right person.

Tragically you must not use this machine if you have ANY implanted device which (after some deliberation by them) includes the Lap Band.

Also phoned my surgeon (as was scared!) and he said no too as it can cause tightness (!) swelling of the stomach lining and also tears in the muscle tissue around the port.

Apparently it doesn't have any effect on the actual band and port itself, but how its sewn onto us and where.

The same applies to massage chairs and the like.

So, my brief flirtation with wiggly jiggly is over.

:-(

It was so good at ridding me of aches after the gym. *Waaaaa Waaaa Waaa*

To power Plate or Not to Power Plate THAT is the question

OK...

H has left me a very interesting comment regarding use of the Power Plate.

I haven't seen any other bandsters (oh maybe just one bandster from Essex banded fairly recently) who use the Power Plate in their Gym routine.

H said that she has known a few people advised NEVER to use it for fear of dislodging the port/tubing etc etc.

Now, to be honest, I never even though about it!! Can you believe that? I never even considered that all that jiggly wiggling would do anything to my band/port! Even after all my band disasters.

So what I NEED to know is -

TO POWER PLATE OR NOT TO POWER PLATE

Just to let you know how I use it:
Calf massage - Lay on back on the floor and have my calves massaged = no jiggly wiggly in rest of body.
Thigh Massage - Lay face down with only thighs on the plate and kind of doing a  press-up on the floor so only bits on the plate are thighs and knees and probs a bit of pelvis/gut too.
Back massage - Sitting on the edge of the plate dangling forward - Whole body buzzing away.

Freaked out!

Ooooh dear!!! I do not want this to be the next band disaster in my life! I can see that this would also be an entirely feasible reason for the Power Plate to be contraindicated if you have a band. The lady at the gym didn't even know what a band was... helpful.

HELP LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Depressed

Feeling really down today. We were supposed to be going to the NEC for the Jewellery show. I really loved it last year and it was so exciting as we were starting our own business and stocking up our shop with goodies and I think I just felt really on the cusp of something awesome.

This year, we had planned to go up tonight and stay in  a Travelodge (oooh the glamour!!!!) and then tomorrow get to the show early and spend the day there. DS is having a sleepover and spending the day at a Friends, so it was just the two of us and I thought it was just going to be nice to be on our own for a day.

However, we are not going.

The room is paid for, but it's going to cost about £150 for the weekend - petrol getting there, dinner tonight, breakfast tomorrow and then lunch etc. DH will probably be tempted to buy some stock for the shop etc etc.

So we just decided not to go as its £150 we can't really afford right now.

So feeling really low, DS is already at the sleepover and I just want to go to bed and snuggle down forever.
Rubbish.

What happens to bands when you exercise?

Just a query really chapettes...?

I have been to the Gym 4 times now with my matey TB. 

Our first day was 28th January. I did my workout while TB had her induction into all things Gym, then we went for a coffee after. We went back to her place and she made me a lunch of Broccoli and Stilton soup. Mmmm.

Then I had my fill on Saturday (0.5mls) and my unfill on Sunday (0.2mls).

On Monday we went to the gym again and worked out exactly the same but could not eat lunch - soup - at TB's house.

On Wednesday we went to the gym again and worked out exactly the same but could not eat lunch - soup again or even drink coffee.

Today we went to the gym, did our workout as usual and about 15 to 20 minutes afterward I couldn't drink any more of my juice.

Every time we go I drink whilst I am exercising - Berocca being a favorite as then I know I have had my vitamins, water or squash. There is no problem with that at all. But by the time we have got in the car and driven home about 7 minutes away, I cant drink/eat!

I am wondering if any of you babes have noticed this too?

I am also wondering if it has anything to do with the Power Plate? It says on the notice that you should have drunk plenty of water prior to using it - which I have, but think that's a bit of an odd thing to ask for so wondering what the bearing of drinking water has to do with the Power Plate.

I use the power plate at the end of every workout to massage my back, massage thighs, calves and inner thighs so that I don't ache and it works SO well.

So any of you get that or use the Power plate?

Dinner

Above is Onions sliced with mandolin, 300g defrosted frozen spinach, garlic, pepper, salt and 1 tub of philadelphia (or quark for low fat option)

 

 Above: Very cripsy bacon

Above: Pasta, spinach mix and shredded cripsy bacon

Monday Weigh in

This morning I was down to 118.4kgs (262lbs or 18 stone 9lbs)

This is cool as when I resumed my band journey in October in earnest I weighed 122kgs (269lbs or 19stone 3)

I am being very careful with this fill. Yesterday I had soup and liquids or yogurt all day and then about 11pm I had about a cup of mashed potato with some creamy coleslaw.

Today I had a berroca during my workout at the gym. I don't really like them, so putting it in the sports bottle meant that I did actually finish it. We fast walked 5k, rowed 5k and cycled 5k with a little bit of PowerPlate wiggling and some random tries of other machines to see what they were like. Then for lunch TB had made a nice soup, but it was too 'whole' for me with big lumps of veg in. The spoonful I did eat was really tasty, but I just couldn't eat any more after the first bite. I know from old that I never used to be able to eat before about 4pm, so I came home and the soup finally passed through the stoma. I had a couple of coffees and tea and then a can of mushroom soup for very late lunch.

I haven't got a clue what to do for dinner tonight, But I think I am going to make an old favorite - Pasta with spinach, Philadelphia and bacon. I don't know how much I will manage but I will take my time as always, and chew chew chew!

I think I actually might have a working band. Who would have thought it!! HURRAH!

Super teeeeee-ight & thank you

Well, things had settled immensely after the orange juice debacle yesterday, but we went to a friends for dinner in the evening. She had made 4 courses. This obviously strikes feelings of deep doom into bandsters around the globe, even one as slack and shizzy at it as me - especially after a fill! GULP

I knew that I was never going to be able to eat much, if anything, so as she served up, and I glugged some green tea (I had come armed with my pot and leaves!). I had a little nibble of a tiny asparagus spear in anchovy butter. It was... not the most pleasant of dishes I must admit. I had about 3 tips and then stopped as I felt chogged, even though I had pureed it to death and back in my mouth and drank, and waited and breathed and all those little tricks.

Nah.

It came back at me, and I passed on the soup, the beef stew and rice and also the caramel cheese cake. I Even       
Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn        
                                                   Passed on the WINE!

Yes it was a spectacular fail and I felt like a leper.

So we came home, after having actually a really really fun evening, food or no, to that time of day called:

"Try and take my tablets after a fill"

Its always a fabulous sort of family horror event, and last night  took the Golden Globes and Oscars in a clean sweep! 

By the end of the dinner party I was consuming a little water, had half a glass of red, and a little black tea relatively okay... so I thought I might as well give it a bash. Now I am not very good at taking tablets 'dry' so I have to have quite a lot of fluid. I thought that things were OK - there was some glugging, gurgling, belching, blopering going on in there at that special cleavage region of the chest, so I swallowed em down. After 2 minutes, I had to hurl. 

I take high doses of Gabaentin, Tolterodine and other concoctions for my lupus and my criminal piston pain (that's my word for the urethra for those new here) and I HAVE to take them or I start going into withdrawal. If I miss them, it only takes 2 days for me to be a twitching wreck trying to score a hit! I never miss taking them though - mainly because I am addicted to them so I never EVER forget!! These are the only tablets I have never forgotten. My body simply knows when it's time for pills!! HAHA  They are an Opiate based and nasty and am on em for life. So you can imagine that the thought of not taking these pills is like totally alien to my being. 

However, hurling these beauties is G R I M  I honestly could not believe the taste, it was unreal! I puked as only a bandit knows how, then it was immediately followed by a massive spasm of REAL vomiting and then proper dry retchy heaving for 30 seconds on the afterkillertaste! OH WOW! They were so bad, and kinda spicy and burny and frothy and hell like and tasted like death itself. 

Honestly, I have tasted some foul junk before, but this was on a new level. I swilled my mouth out fast with TCP mouthwash just to take the taste away. I hate it, but less than that mank! TCP was the only thing I could think of that would take the taste away and disguise it completely and luckily (!?) I only bought it the other day for my sore throat. Small merices!


DH said afterwards that the heaved pills stank the kitchen out like dead fish. Truly scary times. I have oft been tempted to make it easier after fills by opening the cases on the pills and just mixing them with water or something, but this has given me the whole answer in full. That's is not EVER happening. 

So after this headache, and a quick email to Jane that I needed an unfill pronto in the morning, we went to bed. I lay there gurgling the night away and willing myself not to salivate in fear of waking up vomiting. I slept really well strangely, and thought this little 0.5 was not too bad really whilst I slurped on my first cuppa of the day.


At 9am I gave Jane a ring, bless her she must HATE me! I had drunk 2 cups of black tea at this point, so things were looking good, and I thought that I had better let her know things were ok and I would manage. She suggested that I ring back at 2ish and let her know how things were going, which was a massive stroke because things disintegrated from the black tea onwards. 


We went out this morning for a couple of hours and I was sipping thoughout, but I noticed it just starting to slow down through the stoma! I only had a few sips of drink between 9am and 1pm. I was able to drink, it wasn't sticking, or making me sick, but I could just really feel it sitting there for a little longer than was necessary or needed. It felt uncomfortable and like I couldn't relax. I could feel everything going on; I was really aware of having a band and I just thought, you know what? I don't need this. So I called her up and asked if she could take a smidge back out. 

So this afternoon at 4:30 I had 0.2ml taken back out. So I just have an extra 0.3ml instead which I am really happy to have a go with. I could drink immediately although with that nice thunky glug noise which we all know and love, so things are on the march I hope!


On a completely different tack, I have been thinking about Babara and her girls today so much. I think its finally sunk in that Mark has gone and that lovely lady Barbara who has been so strong for so long is just shattered in pieces. I feel so deeply sad for them. I have never met her (or been to boobs cos I am a UK bandit) but I have followed her blog forever. I was so pleased and proud of us bloggers for the over 70 comments I saw on her blog this morning. We all really do pull together and no one is alone in their struggles, whatever they are, in this little world of cyber-reality. 

It takes something like that for us all to realise what we have created, all of us - A massive network of ladies and men from all over the place living their day to day lives with a band. Our lives come into our blogs so often, but I know I always wonder whats the use of telling some of the boring drivel I write about, but this is how Barbara is gonna get a heap of support she would never have known if she hadn't been a blogger or a bandit. If she had thought it was boring, or not of interest to us to know about her husband, her kids, her home and day to day stuff that shes gotten up to over the years, we would not have known about her struggles of late or be able to sense her pain now. We wouldn't have been able to give her the only thing we can - our love and support. 

We never know when we are going to need some kind words, love, prayers, a nudge in the right direction or just to be told to hang in there or that we are doing just fine. Sometimes we get told, and we didn't know we needed it until we see that email flashing with a comment. 


Its a cliche that we take stuff for granted, but I feel like I know so many of you, and I guess it goes the same the other way. That's simply lovely. 

I am glad that I found all of your people who read my blog. I know that when the chips are down, I have friend's to eat them with! 

Love to you all, and it goes without saying but especially to Barbara.  

Lapband Fill with pictures (the shame!)

Well today I done got me a cheeky fill!

I now have 6.5mls in my band. I had a little freak out earlier as I glugged some orange juice and it just sat there. ARGHHHHHHHH and for an hour it was sat sitting there and in the end had to barf. Since then all has been well. I vaguely remember that orange juice can have that effect. I think I had had a milky coffee earlier so it could have curdles with it... who knows. But at present its all ok.

Here follows a grotesque (i.e. my guttage) section of photos of me having a fill. it was a bad angle ok????!!! My lovely husband is to blame!

All sorted. I hate having to roll down my trousers to my caesarian scar hang over point. Its so humiliating!! Oh well, never mind. Soon I will be a scrawny bint! YAY thanks Jane!

Gym

Me and TB went to the gym today. I have been a member since the summer and apart from 1 time (shortly after the induction) I haven't been since.

I don't know why I haven't been cos I always kind of wanted to. Maybe because I had to go with DH and DS and I don't really want to go with them and have it like some family sweat time. DH is kind of competitive and even though he isn't competing with me, just trying to encourage me, it just gets on my tits when someone is like "how many reps did you do? WOW that's AMAZING!!! Well done". Saying that to me is like wrong. I know I shouldn't, but I feel patronised and belittled as if I just accomplished the impossible.

He would hate that I felt that way, but I just do. I don't really wanna be there with him all sweaty and getting down to it and me just loping along on the treadmill without my breathing even changing. I feel like its a competition, even though it's not, and it's a competition I can't win and the whole thing just gets messed up in my head.

Going with DS is OK, but again he gets on my nerves cos he is either complaining  all the time or being silly like "look I can go 10km per hour on one leg" or something, and it's not like I am competing with my own son, but it makes me feel small inside and stupid and fat and ugly.

So I have been trying to cajole TB into going, and she finally caved on Wednesday. I booked her induction for this morning and did my workout whilst she was shown the ropes with the instructor. I did 30 mins on the treadmill which was about 1 and a half km and 150 cals apparently. I then had a game of Fish on the rowing machine where you have to pull harder and to get your fish out of the way of the big sharks, but also vary the speed and pace to eat the 'good' fish to gain points. It takes 5 minutes and goes really fast because you are playing a game. Then I played darts, where the rowing machine is timed over 5 of your strokes to aim darts at a dart board. It helps you keep your posture and even rowing pace but gets a bit boring. Took 5 minutes to throw 100 darts and I still had 300 darts left so I though naaaaa and stopped.

Then I had a go on that wobbly tooth tickling machine called PowerPlate and gave myself some massages on full power for a minute a pop. Then I sat on one of the leg press things and had a nice rest whilst TB finished off.

We then went to get a coffee in the club house and went back to hers for some lunch. She LOVED it. I loved going with her cos we are both wanting to lose weight and we work well as a team. It will inspire us both and I think I have kind of missed the regular get togethers we used to have for slimmingworld and the like.

So all in all a good day so far.

Ermmm... just stuff

Lost a little bit more. Very peculiar. Weighed in yesterday at 119kgs, so that's pretty good.

Found that this week it's not been that hard to cook every day and leave all the crap out of my diet. If I am basically happy and not too tired I can manage to cook every day, get inspiration to cook and also, most importantly, not snack/end up puking.

Relaxing when I eat has had a big job to play into being ABLE to eat and essentially my emotional well being.

Contrary to practically every other bandster on earth, I seem to do better when I have my dinner on a plate, late at night, in front of the telly, take 3 hours to eat it and drink whilst doing it.

Yep. this is TOTALLY the 'wrong' way to do it apparently but its been brilliant. I think I have found that this is actually the right way for me.

Every day this week I have had soup for late breakfast and lunch then in the evening made dinner with the family. I give myself a plate of dinner too and sit down with them with it in front of me. I have eaten about 3 mouthfuls by the time they have all finished, so I just shove it in the microwave and then wash up, tidy up, get DS to bed, get a big pot of green tea on the brew and prepare myself.

I put a dining chair next to the sofa, put the pot of green tea on it, a cup and my dinner. Then I switch to my favorite programme with DH and we sit and veg. I slowly enjoy my meal, enjoy my tea, and then its time for bed.

This is absolutely freaking PERFECT for me.

It totally cures the "nibble at nightime" thing I used to have going on.
It totally cures the "I can't eat/ *retch*" situation if I try and eat with the family
It totally cures the "they have nice things to eat and I am deprived" emotional turmoil in my head
It makes me relax, take things slow, wind down, spend quality time with DH(ok that can be debated as it is just TV) and also end the day contented and satiated with a minimal amount of calories.

When I was trying to eat my protein first, trying to eat three meals a day etc... it just didn't work and I would puke and then feel rubbish and then eat a slider/chocolate that made me feel happy, full but also fatter.

I have never felt that sweet spot in all the 4 years I have had the band, but I think I've wasted a lot of time looking and to be honest I know I have good restriction. I don't feel hungry. Period. If I ate a bite of bread straight off I would vomit. If I eat too quick/don't chew things to death, I have to either:
1.) Stop and wait
2.) continue above + real deep slow breathing for a minute or two (give a slight buzz!! LOL)
or 3.) Puke

I have been scared as a rabbit in the headlights about breaking my band. After it broke the first time, I have been paranoia central worried about slips and breakage and port rupture etc. I have been so prissy with this thing but using it wrong all at the same time.

If anything it's only this last few weeks since we came back from holiday that I have felt normal. I kind of feel it's OK to be banded. It feels settled, not jerky or sore and I am not scared to eat like I was before in case something got stuck etc. Maybe the easy approach where I just get on with it is actually the best approach for me.

We shall see.

When we came back from  holiday I wanted to get a new bracelet. I had one that my dad found in the street. It was pearls and silver plated beads on elastic and it was really nice. The elastic was getting frayed after a few weeks so I asked for it to be put on wire. It came back from our jeweller on nylon with the phrase "this is just as strong" on the bag.

So I wore it, but I really wanted it on silver wire just because it would look better. Anyway after about 3 weeks the bracelet pinged off my arm and showered the car in beads! The little round silver plated beads were very very sharp at the centre as they were made from thin copper and had basically cut through the nylon!

So I gathered up as many as I could and sent them back with a note saying "Obviously not! Put it on WIRE!" on  the bag. 6 Weeks later I got it back on some metal wire, which made the whole thing smell like iron or hot pennies and the pattern was wack and some of the beads were even back to front. I think our dog would have made a better pattern match to be honest!

Anyway, although it wasn't the same, I wore it and it was OK I guess, but the ring like clasp they had put on it originally just kept catching on my clothes and whilst we were on holiday it pulled again and the ring clasp pulled all out of shape like a bent paper clip.

I was so disappointed. I had worn it for about 8 weeks out of the 6 months I had had it because of the time it had taken to get it mended (i.e.being for me and not for a 'real' customer) so I just took it off and threw it in the wash bag. I said to DH that when we got back I would make a new one from his Pandora style bead supplier Chrysalis.

So I found all my beads and spacers that I wanted:

And they all of together to make this:

The double chin was of course optional!!

I know it's not a typical Pandora style design that I have chosen but its very close to the original bracelet that my dad found only solid silver and larger. I love all those colourful pretty beads but they just don't look right on me. I nearly had one when we first got the Chrysalis in stock, but it just looked wrong. I also don't like the fact that when you have a few beads on they fall to the bottom of your wrist so you can't really see it. I like them all completely filled up with beads so I can enjoy it too not just the table top!

So I am absolutely thrilled with it. They must have thought we were mental when I said I wanted 9 pearl beads, 7 barrel spacers, 16 Swarovsky Chrystal spacers and a just 1 locket charm!

It's so great having our own shop cos there is NO WAY on this earth I would spend £450 on this bracelet. It cost me £125 trade which I did feel a bit sick at but then it is solid silver and pearl. it will last forever unlike the one my dad found on the street by the playing fields at the back of his house.

The old one was so lovely too, but no one claimed it. It wouldn't have cost that much but it was really nice. they took it to the police and put a card in the shop window but no one claimed it after 3 months so it was theirs. I loved it to bits, literally!! I will keep hold of it as I cant bear to just chuck it, and maybe one day if DS has a little girl she can have it to play dress up with me!

very very slowly losing (and message for Caroline)

Caroline, did you post on my last message babes? I got the one about a rider, and to delete it but nothing else. I got one today too asking if I posted the post. I assume there was a new one but I didn't get it or something. I also sent you an email but it bounced and then found your email change, so hopefully we will sort it out. I usually get emails from you when you post something, but haven't had anything as yet.


Anyway, just thought I would let you know that I am slowly, very slowly, creeping down the scale. I don't quite know how it is happening, but I GUESS - even after all this time - that its because I am not forcing myself to eat three meals a day, eating one nice meal in the evening and being relaxed when I do so. I cant be consuming 3500 cals doing that, which is what I would need to consume to maintain my fat butted carcass.

Good huh.

I am going for the fill. Hang it, can't hurt can it. We also get 2 months off our council tax payments in Feb and April so I will use it for that. Sweet.

Can't think of a title.

Back from Fuertaventura. It was awesome. High 20's and 30's  every day and about minus 10 at night (Celsius!) No, it was really lovely but you did need your cardie in the evenings because until 1st January the bar/lounge was thick with tobacco fog so sitting outside was a bit nippy.

Then a miracle happened. A smoking ban came in for our last week. YAY! So we could sit inside and see each other from across the table. And be a bit warmer too.

Can't believe Spain have introduced a smoking ban. Its a pretty smokey culture lets face it. I don't think anywhere else, apart from china maybe, has such a culture of smoking for leisure. It was fabulous after the ban it really was.

I used to smoke as you know, but never ever felt comfortable smoking in public or in bars... I always took myself off to the garage at home and sat with a blanket and a good book to have my fag. I never smoked inside the house, but I always smoked in the car. It used to while away the hours. I hated going somewhere and coming back reeking of fags so I always avoided smokey dives even when I was on 25 a day!!! Yes, it was really quite a career! Thankfully, and bafflingly, I have never craved cigarettes since stopping, and the smell puts me off more than whets my appetite, so its always find it a bit of a bonus these little smoking bans.

Anyway, news. The results came back clear for Paget's, so that's a bonus. Now we are on to trying to find out what the hell it really is. Apparently its rather baffling. I like to be different!

The band. Meh. What is there to say. It stopped me eating pretty much all holiday so I stayed the same weight (unheard of!) throughout my holiday.

I am toying with the ides of
a.)

Having all fluid out and doing slimmingworld really seriously

or b.)

Having a small fill so that I can eat absolutely naff all.

What say ye?

My fill provider - Jane Wilkinson-Tancock - suggested that maybe I needed a small fill - maybe 0.25ml. Her reasons were because my day is pretty much thus:
breakfast - coffee
lunch - tea (possible soup option)
dinner - tea
evening snack - full meal + toast + snacks

...so I need something to stop me eating so much in the evening.

I would appreciate your thoughts because it does make me wonder why I can eat whatever I please after about 9pm. However I think maybe this is not the best option for me and I should just forget it and do slimmingworld. It seems easier (and cheaper) and it means I can eat stuff.

It will be 4 years in February which I cannot believe. I need to do something one way or another as I just feel uncomfortable. I am not sure if I actually have what it takes to make the band work for me now as I am too far down the line, know all the cheats and am not able to control myself enough not to resort to them.

Maybe I just don't want to lose weight? I dunno. I am pretty sure I do cos I hate the way I look and feel, but I am not sure if I want to submit my body to the puking and not eating things again. I know people say  "nooo that is not how it should be!" but it is! It IS like that for me. Either I am not losing weight and eating like above, or too tight and I puke several times a day and get grizzly and annoyed because I cant eat stuff. That is what it's like. There doesn't seem to be the happy medium for me.
I have tried to find it but its the most elusive little fucker on earth.

Anyway, I dunno which way to jump. If I unfill then I have to stick to it or I am going to get bigger. If I have a fill I can see myself sitting in the same situation and being annoyed and frustrated just like I am now + a bit of puking.

hmmm.

Well we shall see. Do I give it one more little shot?

I haven't forgotten the idea of going to your clinic either Caroline :-) I might just do that.I know that when I was trying to stick to my calorie goal on daily plate it was very very hard. I wasn't doing slimmingworld though. If I do slimmingworld I can eat untold stuff and just avoid fats. If I have a fill I will eat less than I am now and that makes me feel a little sick too. Jeez. Does it really matter?

Actually does it?