hairdressers

A commiseratory card from Caroline - thanks babe!

There should be some kind of Quality Control on people who can so swiftly shag your hair up.

If there is some kind of control, then people should know about it.

Like the 5 star hygiene certificate that restaraunts, butchers, bakers etc have to display. I promptly stopped getting take away from the curry house with 2 stars!!! It should be an incentive to up their game and sort out their cleanliness.

Hairdressing salons should have something like that too.

My hair is royally dead.

I cannot quite take it in. Thank goodness it grows fast that's all I can say.

About 3 weeks ago, tired of plain black boring straight hair I decided to get a perm. I used to LOVE perms as a kid and my last perm was when I was about 21. It looks great on me and I love the way you get several different ways to play with your hair as it seems to hold a style better, do more wicked up-do's etc. I love playing with my hair.

So, my hair was washed, rolled up and the perm solution drizzled on. This was a new idea to me, because when my mum did it on my long hair (a hairdresser too) I had dry hair, and she wet every strand with perm lotion as she rollered it up. Oh well, thinks I, must be the new way to do it. It has been about 15 years or so after all.

Then after a massive amount of time I had the stuff washed out and then half a bottle of neutraliser was drizzled on to each roll. Hmmm. Again, a new idea because when my mum did it, she had a bowl of the stuff and it was liberally plastered all over the rollers... so much so that my hair was saturated and it was dripping down my head in my eyes, down my back... I was wringing with the stuff.

Well...The jollop must just be stronger these days, thinks I, because i was dry as a bone.

So after the 'dry' perming bit...my hair was washed out, the rollers taken out, and to my shock horror, I had semi wavy, frizzy, part ringletty, part straight, elastic bandy hair. Hmmm. Not good.

The way I remember a perm was summed up in one word - wet. This was an immensely dry experience. I guess you could say after this 'new' kind of perm, that the old way was best.

The new way of perming seemed to throw in some extra added bonus items - like I also got gold highlights where the black is completely removed, and patches of brown where the black dye has washed out.

So anyway, before the woman can ruin it further by scrunching it to death and frizzing it beyond all control I say I must go and leave swiftly to get home and have a good look at it. I wash it once again and carefully comb it to find that the front is actually straighter now than it was before I had a perm and is stretchy. You can stretch out a big strand of hair about an inch at least.
the underneath is pretty ringletty, but the top is lank, and the ends - where the endpaper has been - are dead straight. It doesnt take a genius longto work out that perm lotion never even got to that bit of hair. For one thing, that part of the hair - the 1 and a half inches where the papers were - is still jet black.

The morning after this disaster I looked like this

Ok, the beard is a little excessive, theres just a few whiskers on my chin, but yes, this was me.

I decided after letting the perm settle (and wearing it UP for 3 weeks) that I needed to get it dyed again and cut evenly - if only to get rid of the straight ends. Its my mum and dads anniversary tomorrow so I went and got it done today, nice and fresh.

Now, the cut is fine. But then it was simple - cut and inch off. The dye job however...hmm

Well first of all she didn't have black, she had run out. She suggested the darkest brown. I asked her if this would cover evenly seeing as I still had a significant amount of black in there amongst the brown patches and she said yes.
Maybe I am a dumb ass, or maybe she really was telling the truth, but this did not work out. The darkest brown she put on my hair dyed all my hair brown and toned the black in a bit, but left my roots ginger.

GINGER

How the hell is this possible man? My pure virgin hair - unpermed, undyed natural roots (about 1cm - it grows like the clappers I told you) turned orange. As my glasses are off, I don't really notice how bad it is, but she assures me that its just not taken and she will put some permanent ink on it (!!!) and when I get in then just rub it off with kitchen towel. apparently it might also be best to wash my hair before bed as it could get on the pillow. Great. She then goes about performing the root miracle with her equivalent of a hairdressers Sharpie.

Then, I endure the scrunching saga, and the diffuser blow drying which makes the whole hair do look like a diabolical afro crime.

I put my glasses on and took a breath. I paid her £30 for the effort, and hurried away as quick as I could straight into the shop next door and bought a Black hair dye for £4.99 and legged it home quick with my, straight out of a 'hammer house of horrors', afro slash caveman slash hedge witch super cut.

Sweet mercy.

I spent £45 on the perm and £30 getting it dyed back to black only to end up with a multicolour bale of hay on my head. God, why can I not complain??? I just can't do it.

So, I am now jet black thanks to Charlotte's help with the back of my bonce. Its going to take some baby oil and nurturing to get some life back in it, a couple of months to get it the same length and about a year to get rid of the hellish perm nightmare, but you have to look positive right?

There needs to be some kind of Body for hairdressers. Schools have Ofsted, Telecoms have Oftel... but I think Ofhair might give the wrong message. I definitely have OFF HAIR!

 My leg hairs are curlier than this.

Not a total disaster

Last night we went out for dinner - Chinese.

Thankfully it was not the "all you can eat buffet" - they don't do that on a Friday, much to DH & DS's dismay. I love it too, but not when I am trying to lose weight. It's too tempting as I like too many things and you can order at will.

So it was 'a la carte' last night and we ordered the mixed hors d'oeuvres which consisted of

1. chicken satay
2. spare ribs in a crispy coating
3. sesame prawn toast
4. crispy seaweed
5. wantons
6. mini spring roll

Now, eating out is a fun thing to do for everyone and even though I am banded I want to be able to do this still- I don't have to worry too much with the band at the moment as its normally ok for me to eat a pretty much anything I like as its not that tight. There is some restriction there, but for me the band just stops me feeling hungry even though I am consuming less food - which is great and the adjustment level is just what I can handle right now.

So out of the above - which unbanded/unfilled/uncaring I would eat 1 piece of everything - I ate half the seaweed, 1 spring roll, 4 pieces of prawn toast (cos no one else likes it). The boys polished off everything else.

We followed this with aromatic crispy duck in pancakes with hoisin sauce. I had 3 pancakes - light on duck, heavy on cucumber and spring onion.

I had 2 glasses of red wine (which tasted like vinegar) and a pot of jasmine tea.

I find that Chinese is the best food for me to eat out as I can have some Chinese tea first before eating which helps warm the band up before hand and stops those mad dashes to the loos - although that has still happened on many an occasion.

Its always a bit odd to order coffee or tea with your meal for some reason in England. Why is that? Does anyone else find that its just not the done thing? At home as a kid we always had tea with our dinner, but it seems its a bit odd to order this with your meal at a restaurant unless its an all day breakfast. The last thing I want to do after dinner is drink coffee or tea on an already full tummy. I would much rather have it before - hence I have never found the 'drink before meals' banded routine difficult. Sorry got a bit off the point. Its just it only just struck me. No one would mind if you ordered tea - its just no one does. How funny. Oh well.

So yeah, the dinner - we finished our duck and finished our meal there. We were all absolutely full. At the buffet we would then have ordered the following for sure: 

• crispy shredded beef
• chicken fried rice
• sweet and sour chicken Cantonese style
• beef in black bean sauce
• king prawns in ginger
• and possibly something else that DS wanted

The prawns in ginger... always a funny one. I had this dish years ago and it was DELICIOUS. I have never ever been able to find it the same again since. It is always a bitter disappointment - chewy stringy overcooked prawns in nice sauce, or delicious well cooked prawns in a rank sauce which ruins it all, or the sauce is yum, the prawns are cooked well, but they taste too fishy or something like that. *sigh*

No one else likes prawns except me, so whenever I order it, the whole dish would go to waste if I didn't eat it - however minging it is! Because I feel bad about leaving food I have ordered - which I know will just be thrown away if I leave it, and so as not to appear rude like it was horrible - cos they always ask 'you don't like the prawns' - I try and eat most of it anyway, and then regret it because I haven't eaten my favorite dishes cos I am way too full.

Oh the conundrum!!

It is deeply tragic that i care so much about this, but there we go. We're not banded for nothing!

Anyway, we didn't order any of these things, because we were full and satisfied so I was saved from the peril of the neverending prawns in ginger debacle.

So we all came home and were happy in our hearts. Or not.

The evil scale demon lashed its tongue at me as I sat watching Shortland Street. I was happily engrossed when it caught my eye - sitting there on the floor giving me evils. It's such a swine. Being overweight really is a true eating disorder. Its as bad as being anorexic or bulimic - we are all messed in the head about food and abuse it at will and let it rule our lives until we decide enough is enough. But even when we decide to stop the craziness, the mental anguish/debating/wrangling still pervades. There was NO REASON for me to do what I did next. I was full. satisfied. not even THINKING about food.

The scale triggered my eating. It grabbed my mind like a vice. I suddenly felt rubbish about not losing weight this week - even though I had totally put it to bed in my mind way back at the beginning of the day. The mind is so powerful and I instantly thought "well I ruined it all anyway because of the Chinese"

Now let this be a lesson to you ALL.

I had NOT ruined it all.

I got up at 6am this morning to write to my future self - and to you all - to warn me/you - if I had not eaten another thing - gone to bed, right then - I would have been fine.

I had consumed 2395 calories yesterday - that included the Chinese and the wine and my lunch and everything. I was only 350 calories over my limit. This was FINE.

But the freaking diet devil  (Or FDD for short!) deceived me into believing that I had bust everything anyway, so why hold back. What was the point? You feel rubbish. Comfort yourself. You poor thing.

Ok - the title of this post is absolutely true. It could of been A LOT worse but only wasn't for the sheer lack of food in the house and the time of day - 12pm = little 'house of chocolate and crisps' shop is shut.

Feeling like crud for eating out, thinking the day was irredeemable - I get DH to make me a coleslaw sandwich. And after I had polished that off - ANOTHER one!

So 2395 calories becomes 3000. In 15 minutes.

1000 calories over my goal.

It was so quick, so easy!

But, the reason I am writing this at 7:45 in the morning (I started it at 6:30) is because I didn't want today to be messed up by the FDD. The FDD also didn't want me to add my foods up with livestrong, but I came down here - the whole house is still asleep - and carefully remembered every morsel and put it on livestrong.

The reason my day went to to heck was because I had no idea how many calories I had consumed at the Chinese Restaurant. When we came home I did not go and record it down on Livestrong. I was not in control.

Its the not knowing. Thinking you have gone over the top and you might as well give up today. Well I am going to try and remember this and know that a Chinese meal out does not tip me over the top of my calorie goals. If I had not had the wine, I would have still been under for the day!

So I need to especially remember this on Sunday after the Italian. I must go careful, but its not going to be a crisis.

I must not let the FDD win!

This was a necessary vent. I am still strong. Don't worry :-) 3000 calories is not the end of the world. I need to eat 3000 calories a day to maintain my weight, so I will just have slowed my progress a little, but I can rationalise it out. For some of you it might seem that I am over analyzing things, but I must tell you that I need to do this, have the control, or I lose my fight. Its how I do things when I am on track.

How is it possible?

If you eat less calories than you expend you will lose weight.

Fact

I have gone up 0.5kg

Perplexed is not the word.

Now then, before you assume that maybe I thought I was eating under my calorie/expenditure level but I wasn't - sorry that is not true. Nor am I in some kind of starvation mode (which I don't believe can happen anyway) as I am not following a diet that is very low in calories.

So how, kind people, is it possible for me to eat less than 2000 calories per day for a whole week (actually slightly less in total than last week) and PUT ON WEIGHT???????????

To maintain my weight I must eat 21,200 cals per week
To lose 2 pounds a week I must eat 14,200 cals a week.
I actually ate 11,800 - an average of 1680 per day

Obviously to gain weight I would have to have more than DOUBLED my intake of food. Can you see why I KNOW that my gaining of 0.5kg is ridiculous.

I and not actually cross about gaining - I am miffed, flummoxed, perplexed, flabbergasted and stunned but not cross - because basically I know I MUST have lost weight, you know what I mean? It just doesn't add up that I haven't! I find this absolutely fascinating - I want to know what on earth is going on in here!!

I cannot begin to tell you how dedicated I have been to this cause - every single bit of food that has passed my lips I have recorded. I have fastidiously weighed and measured, checked packets, chosen things on purpose and been super careful to a fault for the whole fortnight. How can I lose 2.8kg last week and gain 0.5kg this week doing exactly the same thing?

Well you can't. You cannot put on weight by eating less. Its not possible. It goes against everything we know about diet and the physics of weightloss. If it were possible, then the opposite would be true and we would all have to eat 5000cals a day to lose weight.

I just MUST have lost weight, but the scale is wrong... or something else?

Funnily enough I have a slight thought it might be something to do with having the mumps. I was one of the lucky 5% of women who, when they have mumps, also get swollen ovaries. Now, this is no joke I can assure you.

33% of men who get the mumps get swollen testes and 5% of women get swollen ovaries and breast tissue

You can see who complain the most as we only ever hear about the blokes getting hot balls!!!

So yeah, I had swollen and very painful ovaries - like period pain on steroids direct from the devil - and one tit swelled up to near double its size. Now I am already a big girl in that department so this was totally rivaling Jordan. It was soooooo painful though.

After all my swellings had gone down - face, tit and ovaries - Things returned to normal. However I should have had a period about the time I got the mumps, but I didn't. My period came last Monday 4th October - 9 days late. It was normal in everything but length - 2 days.

I am regular like clockwork - if I am 1 day late, I am pregnant for sure. Also I got pregnant so darn easy we used to joke that we just had to share the same toothbrush and I was done! My only trouble was holding onto the slippery little blighters. So after losing 6 babies, being diagnosed with Lupus and antiphospholipid syndrome, I was told I could not have children. Ooops - cos I was pregnant. Mass backpedaling by my consultant and 7 months of horrible treatments, hospital stays and coma/pneumonia episodes, DS came into the world through the sun roof exit! Then I was sterilised.

So, sterilised - I have had a textbook period every 28 days, lasting 5 days and each month I know exactly which ovary is firing cos I feel the ache in that side.

To be 9 days late, and have a 2 day period is for me a deeply disturbing occurrence. I have booked holidays and even parties around my period before!!!! Even though the doc said it might disturb my cycle - I got a fleeting panic that my clips had failed and I was indeed with child. Its just too unusual for me to be irregular.

Right now, I have what I can only describe as period pain - 21 days after my last period was due, and 12 days after the weird one. Both ovaries ache though.

So, is this my body shafting me over or have I really gained 0.5kg??

On Wednesday evening DH said to have a sneaky try on the scales, I jumped on, fully dressed and loaded with the days food and drinks and I weighed 118.7kg. This would have been a loss of 0.5kg and I always weigh my heaviest in the evening!! I was looking forward to a nice result. WTF? Thursday morning, I hop on and get 119.3 - I shrug it off and carry on my day. So it was a great surprise to have 119.7 staring at me this morning. Not a nice one.

I have decided that there cannot possibly be any way on this earth that I have REALLY put on weight. Its simply not possible and must be something to with something else.

Onwards and upwards.

Just a weird thing... this is absolutely no lie... I just rang DH and told him, and he said last night as I drifted off to sleep I said "I hope I have lose weight this week" and he said he was sure I had and then I said "I am paranoid that I haven't as I feel fatter". I don't remember this. I also had a fleeting urge when I got up this morning to instantly drink 2 pints of water so that I couldn't weigh myself (I always weigh empty stomach) so maybe my body knows something I don't.

Keep on keeping on I guess. I am going to weigh in daily for a while and see what is going on.

14th 119.3
15th 119.7

Work over for the week!

Thank heavens! I hate work - might have mentioned that before!! LOL

Anyway, its over until Monday.

Between then and now I have loads of stuff to do. Its my Mum and Dad's 40th wedding anniversary on Sunday and my brother is being a pain in the butt. Nevermind, I couldn't be bothered with his procrastinating rubbish any more and booked a champagne cream tea at the Brighton Pavillion. Then I booked an Italian restaurant around the corner and ordered a cake to be made. Sorted. Its like Wednesday for goodness sake! We need to get a move on! Then I rang him up and told him what we are doing and thats that. I could see us not even getting together at this rate.

Anyway, all he has to do is pick them up, and get them to the ball on time!! We are going to be installed at the pavillion tea rooms before hand - and deliver the cake to the restaurant ahead of our arrival - and then it will be a nice surprise. Mum thinks we are at a ballroom dancing competition with DS!! haha

So I am really looking forward to that. I might have to fogo the diet for one day, but I might just try and keep to plan a little bit. I am not envisaging it being that hard - I know how many cals are in a scone and cream at the end of the day and if I stay away from lasagna or heavy creamy dishes, all should be great. Salad!!!!!! oh yes.

Right, I am off to have my dinner - Nasi Goreng followed by a crunchie and a daim bar!!!! I am still 600 cals under my allowance for the day! GO ME!

Loving it

I am loving things right now.

Long may it remain so!

It was so nice to sit down tonight with a pizza, salad and coleslaw and have a cadbury's crunchie on the side waiting for me, watch telly and eat it allllllllll up - and NOT FEEL GUILTY!

I am not hungry at breakfast time. I am just thirsty. I don't get hungry until about 2-3pm. So what? What does it matter really? I don't think I should eat just because the clock says so,so I am not going to bother. So today I got a sandwich and took it to work with me - egg mayo and cress - my fave! I grabbed a water to drink too rather than a high cal soft drink like yesterday.

Today is my late one, I don't get back from work until 10pm. DH takes DS to roller hockey while I am at work, and they usually get fish and chips on the way home for everyone as they are both starving and Tuesday's are really pants for me - I never get it together quick enough to make a meal for them to cook when they get in, so its just easier all round to get take away.

But for me... this is never part of my dinner. Re heated takeaway fish and chips is just rank, so they always leave me out. I used to order a curry when I got home... but not any more! Tonight I stopped by the Co-Op on the way back from work, and picked up a little individual cheese and tomato pizza, salad, coleslaw and a crunchie. The pizza is teeny, but I just love them as they remind me of when I was a kid. they are only about 4 inches across, but they are yummy and fill a bandit's tummy. Pile the salad high and it looks like a feast:

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

So still fighting the fight, and doing the do.
Total cals today 1515! WOW!

Back to work

I am now totally back to work since my Mumps hell. I did 2 lessons last week because they have examinations very soon and also they have whingeing Mothers and it was just easier to do them than ring up and say I couldn't. I hate pupils parents. They either don't give a rats, or they give 34 rats! There is never a happy medium.

Anyway, work was ok, but I was annoyed for most of the morning thinking about going back. I hate work so much its unreal. Well I don't so much as hate working, but just hate what I do. I would happily sit in our shop, or do something else, but I just hate teaching. I loathe it. There are a couple of lessons I really enjoy doing, but other than that, its pants. I keep trying to reason it out but I never can. Maybe its because I have only just finished dinner at cleaned up and put the NEW dishwasher on and its 11pm. That sucks so much. I have already been up and cleaned the house from 8am, then doing Shop accounts until 12, then helping DS with French, English, Geography and History homework, then cooking dinner and at 4pm when I am ready to have a sit down and a coffee I have to then get my hair washed, dress up all smart and go out to work for 5 hours. I get home at 9, serve the dinner to all 5 of us (I already rang at 8pm and told DS to put the oven on as the lasagna was sitting in there since 4 waiting to be cooked), then clear the table and put the new dishwasher together, tidy the downstairs - AGAIN - clean up the kitchen and sweep and mop the floors - AGAIN - and now I am on here. My evening starts at 11pm and my husband is already asleep on the sofa.

For heavens sake. Who invented womens lib man - cos it SUCKS! Give me domesticity and stay at home FREEDOM any day fo the darn week. I would love to be a poor sad kept woman. I cant think of anything better!

If I was at home full time I know things would be better. for the 4 days I am here all day things run really smooth. When I go to work I leave a spotless house, everything in its place and I come back to a heap.

*BIG SIGH*

oh well, nothing has changed over the last 15 year when I have moaned about it, and I am sure it wont change if I continue, but I just wanted to get that load of crap out of me.

So, today had the prospect of being a junk food day cos I feel annoyed and fed up and put upon, but I saved it. I skipped lunch at lunch time as I wasn't hungry and I had to get DH's taxes down on excel too. So when I went to work, I thought I would get a sandwich from the little shop, but they were out. I grabbed a Sausage roll and a lucozade - mainly because of lack of funds. DH had lovingly deleted my £5 from my wallet for parking without telling me, and they don't take cards in the shop under £10, and the cash machine charges you £1.75 for the privilege of getting your own money. So with £1.90 in my purse, I was a little low on meal options.

However, I hadn't had anything else, so drove to my first pupil munching away. I stopped halfway through because I had had enough, and I was at the house - well lucky I did cos there was 500 cals in that bad boy!!!!! I just hadn't thought. So i threw the rest away. They taste like pants anyway, so I would rather spend my precious calories on stuff I like than chew the rest of that cardboard pastry and grizzleage. The lucozade was 140 which was also hideous, but I was so thirsty i drank it.

So I was semi saved. The lasagna was made 'skinny' but it was still pretty high, however as I was serving up (the lasagna made 6 portions) I just knew I could not eat a whole portion so I just had half of mine which obviously also halved the calories for the dinner from 900 to 450. I had a roll and butter with it too, but today's total cals (including the daim bar I am about to devour) was a respectable 1367!

Here's the lasagna I made :

And here's my little portion:

I am so glad I can eat salad, as I really really love it. I am surprised that after my Mumps infection, I haven't had the craving for some foods like dressing or sharp things. I also have really gone off red wine. Big style!! I had 2 glasses at our mates house on Saturday night, and I was a bit disappointed. I had actually wanted to heave thinking about wine while I was sick, and even now I kind of feel a bit ill thinking about it. How random is that! I loved red wine! Oh well, its not going to do me any harm. thankfully Salad has been one thing I have really really wanted to eat over the last few days, and we have had it with every meal which was nice.

Anyway, I am off to watch telly and throw the occasional pillow or rock at my husband when he disturbs my viewing pleasure with his snoring.

Feeling good

I am so happy that I have managed to be on track for 10 days straight. I just hope I have the determination to see it through week by week. My first weeks fabulous feeling has kind of drifted now and I am thinking all those negatives like "oh it was a fluke" "the scales were wrong" "this week will be really pants cos you lost so much last week" or other such drivell that I dont want my mind to be saying to be, so I am trying to keep the faith and just stick to my goal of under 2031cals per day.

Happy Monday! *groan* work. Ugh.

Chocolate is one of your Five a Day!

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

oooh cheeky post

This is a quick post to just mention the fact that I am having serious guilt issues over my food.

I need some reassurance people!!

If I scrupulously add my calories, and I stay under the 2031 daily allowance this is OK right?

What I mean is... if I ate 2031 calories worth of Lettuce, its the same basic thing as 2031 calories of chocolate right?

It's still 2031 and therefore I expend more energy than I consume so I will still lose weight yeah?

Wow, I cant even believe I am asking this dumb question... but I just feel so GUILTY at eating some chocolate every day, even though I am way under my limit.

I mean, I lost 2.8kg this week but I still dont trust this basic maths... or believe it could possibly be this easy...

2000 cals of fish
2000 cals of plums
2000 cals of lard
2000 cals of pickled eggs
2000 cals of peanuts
2000 cals of celery

...they would all be in varying quantities - weight for weight they would differ... but they would all be 2000 cals!

2000cals of celery would be about a truck load but 2000cals of my favorite LaoGanMa Chilli paste would be only 280g whereas 2000cals of cod would be 2kg...

They would all be better or worse for you,
and better or worse in nutritional value,
and better or worse at filling you up and keeping you that way...

BUT they would still be 2000cals right?

Ok, I have satisfied myself that its all ok.

I am goign back to bed now.

:-)

2.8kg off! Yes!

I am so pleased with my weightloss this week. 2.8kg which is just over 6lbs. I havent had a loss like that for a very very long time. I am not normally one to lose big amounts and I can remember the times I have pretty well.

One of them was when I came back from France one year - actually it was the first year I started the Weightloss Expedition, way before banding - and I had put on 12 pounds in just 2 little weeks. I lost 6 pounds the week after that holiday, but it was then a big struggle for me, as I could not get past the fact that I had undone all the hard work I had done in the 3 or so months before that holiday. You can read about it here: 1st time I lost 6 lbs

The second and third times I lost big were in the 2 weeks immediately after having my band. I lost 8.5 pounds the first week #2 biggest loss and 5.5lbs the next #3 big loss just 12 days after banding it was an amazing amount in that first 2 weeks after having the operation.

Then the last of the biggies was 9 pounds after I had my re-do surgery #4 1 week after repair

So my friends... the last time I actually lost a big amount of weight under my own steam was back before I had the band - and I remember really really trying to lose that weight. This weeks, with little Albert in there, we have managed 6 pounds all our own!

Anyway, getting away from the pounds thing, as I really want to use Kg now, it means that I lost nearly 3kg in my first week. I am aware that this trend will not continue, but it was very satisfying indeed! Especially when it really didn't take too much effort - simply tracking what I was eating, staying away from junk until the end of the day and having some if I had calories to spare. Well that works for me!

My calorie intake allowance has dropped to 2031 calories per day now because I weigh less!!! haha! but I never ate that amount all week, so we are still on safe ground.

I think putting the fill off until such point that I am struggling to eat less is a great idea. I have only 5.5mls in my band right now, which is pretty low to be honest, and I guess will get harder to manage on as the weight comes off. So, I booked a fill for 6th November - by then I should be significantly lighter and probably ready for 0.5ml in little Albert. He's my friend at the moment. Long may it continue!!!!

Wicked and naughty

I feel sick with pleasure. This is so utterly awesome, and I am so glad I have resumed this diary/blog. Again, another great day, sticking to the calorie guide on Livestrong... 2081 cals or under per day is my goal.

Today started a bit oddly. I slept until 1pm and awoke to my son going mental because it was the 8th powercut of the day and his laptop kept running out and the Internet kept obviously dumping on him, so his online French class this morning was rather disrupted. Anyway, I phoned the power supplier and it turns out there was a fault at the sub station and all the surrounding villages were affected. So I am sitting in my car at the bottom of the drive 'talking' to a computer voice as one does these days, when some friends from our local congregation turn up. Now, Its not the kind of usual thing I do, sit in my car one my mobile at the end of the drive, but there is absolutely no signal in our house. Its like a nuclear bunker.

Anyway, the friends have turned up and as I have been infectious for such a long time, it was so nice to see them. They came in for a coffee and left and 2:30pm. As they were leaving the power came back on - awesome - and my mate TB and her hubby arrived. DS then begs me to give him something to eat and I got the curry I made last night out of the fridge, boiled him some rice and served him up a pile. There was a little bit left - not much - but I put it by and decided the have it for my lunch. By the time TB and I had finished yakking, it was about 4pm. So it was then that I weighed my curry and SURPRISE it was half a portion of what I had made last night. So it was half the calories, and as I had finished all my rice up giving DS his lunch, there was none for me to eat. So I just ate it up and it came to 300 cals.

At half 4, I started to make dinner and my freezer is so full its hard to see whats inside, but I found a long pork loin in there, and I had a cabbage in the fridge, so I peeled some tatties, chopped em small and boiled them up. I then coated them in fry light spray, rosemary from the garden and some garlic salt and roasted those babies. I put the loin in some paper, drizzled a spoon of honey on it and some wholegrain mustard, wrapped it up in the paper and oven roasted that too. It was delicious. Worked out all the calories, 100g potato, a great pile of red cabbage and 1oz pork and it came to 400 cals!!!!!!

I always allow for 600mls of skimmed milk per day as I hate measuring milk for some reason, and the family doesn't get through a litre a day, so I reckon its about right (probably over estimate to be honest) and my calories were 1100 UNDER my target. Now, I could have been really good, but I decided that I was going to treat myself and this is why I am sooooooo happy right now. I have no problems doing this thing if I can have my treats. Being TOTM too is just a chocolate craving nightmare as you ladies all know, so I got DH to pick me up some apple juice and some Minstrels. Minstrels are chocolate in a crispy shell and they are yummy. Now I didn't get the little old bag, no I had a complete FEAST on them. 853calories worth!!!!!!!!!! OMG, this so would have cost me my diet before, but livestrong is cool for me like that. If I didn't have it and use it then I would just think "stuff it, I have blown it" but today is also a day that I am UNDER my calorie goal for the day!! Yaya.

I know its not a good habit to get into, but I am so happy that I was able to eat a DIRTY amount of chocolate, get my 5 veg/fruit a day and be under my limit. I am going to bed this evening a happy happy woman. Wooo hooooo!

Oh, and tomorrow is... weigh in day! cooolio!

Well I never!

What's more fattening?

Jacket Potato, beans and cheese...

or

2 large cheese and ham filled pancakes with peas...?


Well !!!!! It is actually the Pancakes, but only by 100cals!!!!!!!! I was absolutely amazed at this as I thought this was going to be a heavy HEAVY calorie loaded dinner, so I didn't even have my PM snack because I thought I was going to go overboard a little with tonight's tea.

295g potato (which is reasonably big)
200g baked beans (i.e. half a can)
30g cheddar cheese (poxy amount)
10g margarine (also poxy)

Total cals 519

Pancakes: (harder to work out cos it made 8 of them equally divided)
2 pancakes cooked with frylight spray =
0.5 of an egg
47.5g flour
100mls skimmed milk
60g mature cheddar cheese
50g of chopped ham
100g peas.
8 sprays of frylight (yeah, lets be completely anal!! Love it!)

Total cals 618

Oooh so thrilled am I

Its given me a real buzz because I really thought that pancakes filled with yummy were off the menu. This means that my cannelloni will be defo back on the menu for the weightloss phase! The cheese was actually the highest calorie item in them, so if they were filled with low fat ricotta & spinach for example and smothered with a salsa... Ooooh the possibilities are endless.

That's even better is that this has been my weeks lowest caloried dinner. Even yesterdays chilli was knocking around the 800cals mark!

If i analyse it a little more, it means that if you have 2 pancakes for breakfast - its less calories than porridge!! hurrah!

Here are the tasty beauties which i added a dollop or two of wholegrain mustard to. Mmmmm

So guess what I had for lunch then..? LOL yeah a jacket with beans. Nevermind, it means I get to have my favorite snack of choice this evening while watching the Inbetweeners - DAIM BAR. I love them. they are so yummy and so low in calories too which is the main thing. Its just awesome being able to enjoy myself in such a wicked fashion and know I will lose weight!

Although I haven't been aiming to keep my protein up, I do seem to be having a fairly protein rich diet, without trying, which is great. I have never felt, at any time that my nails weren't growing or my hair was falling out so this must be why.

Here's my chart
1st Oct - 95g
2nd Oct - 109g
3rd Oct - 69g
4th Oct - 72g
5th Oct - 86g.

So this is great I think

Its TOTM at the mo, so I think I timed this re-start at exactly the right time. I think being honest it would have been more of a trial had I resumed the fight and then had a week's weigh in where I went up a kilo or two because of the curse. It ticks me off so bad hen that happens. I need all the willpower I can get at the moment so that I see those first few kilos start to come off and feel like I am starting to get somewhere.

I know that I will struggle on Friday when I weigh in because its always the same when I start something. Its like the goal is Friday, not the goal is next year! LOL. Something in my brain thinks that the race is over on the weigh in day and it can sit back and relax, so I need to get myself over that - I think that will be the first problem I encounter.

So my friends, take care and see you tomorrow

"Mum, I can't find any socks so I am just wearing the one. Love you Byeeeee!" SLAM

Kids.

You have to love them for their cavalier attitude. My son has a loathing of clothes full stop. Even since starting http://www.interhigh.co.uk/ his new cyber school, he still sits at his laptop, dogs by his side - in his birthday suit. I was assured when he was younger that he would soon grow out of it, and be 'normal' but I must rapidly mention that he is nearly 12! He has absolutely no shame. Today's flying quip was announced just after a friend called for him and he must have decided that he'd better get dressed. He just simply doesn't give a rats. I admire him really. But one sock??? Why bother?!

The door slammed before I had even had a chance to rectify the situation.

On a less worrisome note, finally the "do your homework right after the lesson" advice has started to sink in as he sat doing 8 assignments yesterday afternoon. Mwahh haaa haaa. Its nice to be able to say I told you so!!!! Today he logged off from his maths lesson at midday and said "yeah, kinda hungry but I am just going to do these exercises thanks mum, so I don't have it all at the weekend" YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The dawning of responsibility! WHOOP! He really hated sitting there for 6 hours yesterday afternoon doing all that. about 8 mates called for him and he had to keep turning them away. Hopefully this will last.

Today has been pretty good. Sorted out the jewellery shop accounts and other random money based annoyances. I cant believe its time for another VAT return to be produced, but this time I am not so excited. Last time we got nearly £3k back!!!! sweet. This time we owe them about £900. Not nearly so tasty so I will be waiting on that one!

Food today has been good, even thought I got up early and therefore had 3 full meals - breakfast is a nice one to skip, even though I read the other day somewhere that 78% of people who successfully lose weight report having it religiously. I am going with skipping for now, but I think that's generally a band thing as most banded people I know/read about cant 'eat' anything until the afternoon. I just don't feel particularly like eating to be honest.

The band fill I was considering, I have not pursued further. I have accounted for it like I said and put the money aside, but I am not sure I actually need a fill. I seem to be successfully sticking to my plan with hardly any will power necessary at the moment. I occasionally feel a bit stuck and have to wait a moment, so its obviously not really loose. If I can consistently and comfortably eat below my daily calorie limit, then I think a fill is not needed. But, that said, I am eating within 2-300 cals of this limit which I know is a lot when I look back over my food diarys of old. It is also real food though, which I like. Oh i dunno, but I think when I get to the point that Livestrong tells me I need, for example, 1600 cals a day to lose 1kg a week, and I am struggling to keep it under that amount, then that's when I might need a squeeze in.

I must admit, like Dee, I think the sweet spot is like a unicorn. I have never felt one and I am not entirely sure how the whole fill thing works, but I think for me it just stops me feeling hunger and makes me eat really slow to the point that I cant be bothered to, or to desperation that I just want shite for dinner. So I want to get to that place where I can eat nicely, but lose weight. I know that its working right now, so if it ain't broke, then I don't need to fix it. £125 is not something to rush into throwing away!

So you can check out my foods for the day on "today I ate" up in the right hand corner if you really want to be bored to death, but if you cant, then this was dinner:

And it was delicious!
Here's the recipe: Serves 5
2 cans tinned tomato's pureed
2 cans of kidney beans
450g minced beef
2 onions
2 green peppers
Loads of cumin (jeera) powder
pepper/chilli as per preference
2 cloves of minced garlic

Boil the mince in a pint of water for about 20 mins and then strain off all the lard water
Then add the onion, peppers and another pint of water and cook until water is gone, but not bone dry. Add the pureed tomatoes and kidney beans and reduce the liquid a bit. Add the cumin and chilli and garlic then serve with rice. YUM

Bye for now!

well... day 3 is nearing a close and we are all ok...

I am another day closer to being slimmer. YAY.

Today I slept in late. It was very nice curled up in bed with Geoffrey, our Cavelier King Charles. Hes so cute. Tragically if he gets too close he makes me sneeze so its a little bit of a sad story for cuddles. DS makes up for it though - with me and the dog! He loves that dog to death.

Today has been pretty good. I have spent a considerable bit of it online on Livestrong, because keeping track of everything is quite interesting, and also time consuming but I am enjoying it. I have entered all my food for the day on there, and I go into far more detail - every ingredient and suchlike is there so that I know that I really am not going over my allowance and hopefully remain on track. I just list the meals on here and a few recipes, but you can be assured that the calories I put down on the 'Today I ate...' bit are correct.

Housebrick has taken his wife to the airport. Now the fun begins. thankfully he is at work all day and I am determined not get get dragged into his inane chatter about the dog. I will try and just tell him, but the English way kind of has a habit of stopping us being blunt or tactless, but I need to try with this dude or he wont get it.

We must remain at all times regimental on the time of dog walking and the amount of craps the dog has, and amount of pees it does and report daily on those bowel habits. Its simply ridiculous. How someone can be so anal retentive about their dog I dunno. Infact, come to think of it it's a bit like OCD. He is so analytical about stuff - I guess because of his work as a chemist - but boy! Its tought to live with. I have no idea how his wife, who we shall call 'The Saint', manages to cope with him!

Its funny like that sometimes. He just asked me if he should get a blood test to check if he has immunity to Mumps. I told him  - LIKE 5 TIMES - that I am not infectious now. I am finished with it. I also told him that if he caught it off of me before he went on holiday, he would be sick RIGHT NOW. Considering his mum told him he had it, and that he said to me he remembers having pain in the correct area and being really poorly as a kid, you would think that would be the freaking end of it. But this is Housebrick we are talking about.

Anyway - get a test - dont get a test - I care not. I hope it costs loads of money though!! HAHA

It could even be a blessing if he does get a really bad case of it, as the human race will be owing me a serious favour!

Bandwise, I am doing good. I feel a bit hypoglycemic right now cos I havent had my lucious dinner yet, but its gonna be anytime soon! Mmmmmm cant wait. Thinking of that, best go and check on the veg.

C U 2morrow

Housebrick is back

Dunno if i ever mentioned this but we have a freaky lodger who we shall call Housebrick on here. He has a really wierd long old fashioned German name, but as its so unusual we will stick to his nickname.

He arrived home about 8:30 this evening. He has been on holiday with his wife for the last 2 weeks down at the tiny westernmost tip of England where the Cornish live. It has been blissssss.

He has a dog, called T, and it is more important than his wife. Everything revolves around the dog or his work and it gets very very very very very boring. He is very loud, very dominating, very know it all and I hate that.

Anyway, he is back. He couldn't have picked a better 2 weeks to be away seeing as I was sick for 10 days of it. There would have been no dinner to eat except for takeout and it would have cost me even more money!!! thank heavens for small merices!

Anyway, I am sure he will piss me off in the next day or so. He usually does. I will obviously let ya'll know about it ;-)

Its been another good day today, walked very quickly through a city near here to get some sports gear for DS before the shop shut and burned off 175 cals in the process. Very happy about that. That's what I love about Livestrong. Its really good for logging all your food and exercise and working it out to your personal body weight. Obviously Paris Hilton would burn far less calories than I would marching through the town, so its very clever how it gets that sorted and you don't have to guess!

Anyway, another good day with food, under the calorie limit for the day and off now to watch a bit of telly.

Here I go again.

It's not easy coming back to this blog. It was only when I was about to start a brand spanking new one, that I realized both would show up on my profile. I toyed with the idea of deleting this one, because I didn't really want to have the old baggage with me when I embark again on this new quest to gain a smaller bodyshape. I had the finger on the button as you might say, and then I thought "No". I don't think taking this blog from the public domain, with its record of how I got to this point - good or bad, would be a good thing. There are over 50 people watching it, and for the last 3 months I have had weekly reports from the site meter that people read it - about 60 per day, and most of them stay a while too. I have encountered some horrible things along my journey, and I would have liked to have known of the complications which can arise with this type of surgery - although (lucky me) they are very rare.

But enough of this. That is the whole reason why I wanted to reinvent myself, call myself something different, set up different pics and restart this thing on a new blog. I was going to call it a different name and everything.

I think I should carry on from this blog. At least when I do succeed, people will see how dark it can get, but there still be light at the end of the tunnel.

So... Here I go again.

I was at my heaviest recorded weight. Last Friday (24th September 2010) I went down with the Mumps. I was 19 stone 6lbs  -  272lbs  -  123.5kg

Lets rewind ever so slightly...
I had a fill at the end of July with Jane. I cant remember exactly when, but I had 3 ml put back in - taking me roughly to 6mls again. It was not good. I couldnt drink all sunday and made a dash to Gordano Services near Bristol to get an emergency unfill - very unglamourously - laid down in the seat of my car! So I had a ml out and all was right with the world again. Jane was heavily pregnant bless, and I asked, a little selfishly, when she would return to work after the bub because I just knew 5mls wasnt going to do jack. She suprised me by saying she would only be having a few weeks off but, as she put it, this is her livelihood. I was back to work pretty darn sharpish after having DS for the same reason - from £300 a week to £50.10 on the Self-employed State Maternity benefit didnt really cut the mustard!

So I went through the summer holidays gradually gaining, and not really being too bothered, but then I started thinking about things, seeing myself in the mirror and feeling terrible bla bla. I badly wanted a fill but I knew that Jane probably had only just had the baby, so didn't think it fair to ring her. It was probably for the best considering that I was - unbeknown to me - INFEKSHUSSS!!

So, I was a little forlorn wanting a fill, but not getting one, but with hindsight I am glad it didnt happen. The thought of an overfill plus Mumps would be the worst thing ever. I am not sure if any of you have had the mumps as a kid, but having it as an adult is a whole different ball game. Apparently I would have caught it around 2 weeks before I got hamster cheeks, and I was infectious for about a week before I even knew I had it. On Friday I felt like death - sore throat, achy, sniffles and head-throb from hell - and woke up Saturday morning to be greeted in the mirror by Jabba the Hut.

Its been a week of soreness, swelling and chronic back and tummy ache like the worse period pain in history where the virus travels through my system swelling not just my face, but my ovaries too. With a jaw feeling more than a little random, chewing was an unpleasant experience; swallowing even worse. However, I was really annoyed that I got ill because since booking the 'fill that never was' and prior to the head explosion - I had been thinking to myself:
"You have got to do something about this"
"You should really sort it out"
"You have now outgrown all the clothes you bought because you outgrew the clothes you bought before that!"
"You have to pull yourself together and think about you for a change"
"You feel rubbish and out of breath walking up the stairs... that ain't normal"
"Come on, lets do this"


Then I get sick, and cant cook for myself. I was totally lame. DH is an absolute wash out in the kitchen and its made me realise that if I died, so would they. It is a family joke that DH once asked

"How do you cut Lettuce?"
It was at a time when I was again ill, and he was making dinner. He doesnt find it very amusing and says its gotten so old now, but we think its hilarious. After this week, it actually disturbs me deeply. DH and my Dear Son have lived for the entire week on take away. They have spent £235 on take out dinners and lunches. I have been so ill that I seriously didnt give a toss, until now that I am feelign better and lookign through the receipts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could kill him! I didnt eat a lot of it, but I did have chicken fried rice on several occasions (not a lot of chewing), remember having the sauce from chicken kormas and tikka masalas. Enjoyed a handful of chips with mushy peas and other such delights. Yesterday I was sooooooooo sick of take out (and was feeling much 'better' in the loosest possible sense of the word) that yesterday I had a lettuce for dinner. I just could not hack sitting eating chinese takeaway, even though it looked, and smelt, delicious. I couldnt do it.

Mumps does put you off your food, the sore teeth and the dry mouth probably, but I was hungry even so. Tonight I feel I can cook, I am up and about the house and did a bit of washing and have started resuming normal duties, but WOW. I am goign to have to teach DH to cook. DS can cook well. Homeschooling has seen him help me make a lot of different things and he cooked us a delicious onion soup and a sausage casserole not so long ago. He loves making cakes, cookies and other things and makes himself a boiled or fried egg, and can put together a salad, but DH is clueless. Before I met him he told me that for the 6 months he had been on his own he bought a sandwich from a garage for lunch and for his dinner he ate faggots, or Aunt Bessies deep filled Yorkshire puddings. Day in, Day out. Sheesh. His weekly shopping bill came to £12.00.

So I have to teach him or he will be lost forever. I learned only today that last Sunday TB (short for Travelling Buddy - my best mate who I go everywhere with) pressed a bacon quiche into his hands and he said "No, honestly I have it covered" he said. He made dinner that night - Smash potato with cheese.  This is obviously a serious situation!!

Anyway, DH's lack of cooking ability is tragic, but nothing to do with my return to Blogging. I decided I needed to keep track of foods, and I intend to have that fill in the very near future. A single millilitre will do the trick and take the edge off my hunger I am sure. Keeping track of the food I eat is very difficult though, and I hate a tatty journal smudges with ketchup and cats paws on a daily basis so I write it down on a sheet and then I will type it up on here.

I dont intend to write this blog like I used to, as its very time consuming and laborious, but I am going to write things down that are interesting to me, possibly you and more importantly my battle.

I know that this is not going to be a walk in the park simply because I was to give it another go. But wating to, is the first step. I am also not raking over old wounds ever again. I cant do anything about it, so I have to move on.

From now on, sorry English chums, but I am weighing in in KILOS. I have no idea how they work akin to pounds and stone, and that is why I am doing just that. They are not a measurement I am at all familiar with - if you asked me to guess a kilo of carrots, I would be way off. Thats why I am going to use them because I cant see all the past bench marks. I used to think my bench marks were a good idea... I can real them off for you, just for kicks... here ya go:

Today 19 stone 3lbs (269lbs) 122 kgs - so 1.5kilo's gone from last week!!!!! yay!
Highest weight ever before 19 stone 1lb
Weight at starting this blog 18stone 12.5lbs
Weight at banding 18 stone
Weight at 2nd banding 17 stone 12.5lbs
Lowest weight since banding 15 stone 6lbs
Lowest recorded weight in adult life 15stone 2lbs
Weight when I met DH 13stone
Weight at high school 11 stone 4lbs
Weight when suffering from wierd eating/anxiety disorder 9 stone 8lbs

Can you see why I want to use KILOGRAMS??????????

Check out my lovely new ticker. I have 45 KILOS to lose and that doesn't see very much to me. Positive.
I would love to lose a Kilo a week every week, and that is my goal. I may make it, I may not, but even half a Kilos seems like a lot of weight to lose HALF A KILO!!!
I am so used to stone this makes me feel amazing. If someone told me I had lost half a STONE in a week, I would be throwing a party, so I think KILOS is the way forward.

As you can see I have lost 1.5kg over the week of illness, but I am going to start again from today. Today is the day I decided to get the blog going again, and today is the day that I recorded my food from. 
As ever, I will try and be as honest as possible. I am going to try very hard to keep my food diary up to date (Top right hand corner of this blog) even on crap days so you can all give me tips etc.

So, bunny has been resurrected and I hope this is the real start of something good. Also I know that if I need to, I can have the bypass. However that's kind of a finality I don't want to do right now, so I am going to really give this a go first. At the moment I am determined and positive and off to contact Jane about that well needed fill.

Going pants

Unbelievably so.

oh well right?

I feel exactly the same as when I resume any diet. I don't want to. I know how hard its going to be and I just put it off, and then some.

I just cant face being banded again. I just cant face the puking, then chewing and all the messing around.

The poxy small meals, the looks when you push your food around your plate and then dash for the loo, then cooking for 5 healthy appetites and no sharing with them, even the pain of having a fill - not in my stomach but in my wallet!! £125 is no freaking joke - and that's just for 1 of them.

The pain of failing again. The pain of sharing it all with people and then having hope dashed. The embarrassment that I couldn't make it work and my complete self loathing.

This is not for me

Not now.

This blog has officially ended. I have come full circle and today weigh in at 18 stone 12 pounds.
Its taken nearly 6 years to lose half a sodding pound, so I cant be bothered any more guys.

Thanks to all of your peeps who have followed my journey, you were there during the good and the bad and the very ugly. Most of you are banded too, and as my parting goodbye to you all - may I wish with all my heart that you never have to endure anything that I have encountered.

I am jealous of all of your successes, it's true, and it doesn't spur me on, it makes me feel even more shit about how crap I am. I tried to see the other side of it all, but its not working for me. Every time I see people who were banded and the amazing results it makes me feel like a bucket of cold piss. Sorry, but its the truth. I am like the team that lost, envious, emotional, sorry for myself and know i should have just done better. Somewhere deep within me, I am happy for you all individually - but banded people as a whole make me want to cry. Its like the day the wall went up... I feel like I am on the other side of your happiness, and there is nothing I can do right now to change it.

I lay my failure squarely at the doorstep of Heliogast and their batch of faulty bands. Thanks for nothing you bunch of arseholes. You ruined my dreams and fucked my mind over. I simply cannot get over that. There are not words on this earth to describe how I feel about you. You should have put a recall on them you bastards. How many people have them still inside them? No one even knows. Lovely.

I also blame Hinchingbrooke hospital for completely wrongly diagnosing me, blowing me off with IBS when the consultant radiologist obviously didn't bother putting down his newspaper & coffee to look at my results. You made me suffer agony for 6 months. Fucking cheers.

I also blame my brain for being a mound of blubbering shit. Because of you i could not get it together after this crisis and get the FUCK over myself. As soon as I can get a transplant i am going to freaking have one. I am even considering a lobotomy. be warned you mass of grey bollocks

All three of you deserve to be imprisoned for the pain you gave me.

This was Bunny, flattened by the juggernaut. Splat

Going well

Hey everyone, the new crackdown is going well. I am following the plan and being a good girl. I think I finally want this. I think I am prepared to do what it takes. Its early days, but I am getting there.

Several things have happened recently that have meant I can, or rather have to, put things to bed permanently.

If you start a race, or a journey, or a trek somewhere massive - like the Marathon, or North Pole or Everest... sometimes you don't do it your first go. I do feel like my battle with weight could be any or all of those things. Its certainly huge - like my butt!

So, you would be mad not to attempt those things with some serious training. Hell I would be mad to try a 1km run right now!! So, I am considering my 3 years post band as my training to stay the distance.

I had a funny little thing happen to prove this yesterday. I went to TB's house after we got back from slimmingworld, and we were having a coffee and chatting, and she offered me an orange. Without thinking, I dismissed it with a "no thanks" and then realized that I said no because there was no way I could have eaten an orange a couple of months ago. It would have stuck like a pig in a poke and ended up in a choke barf session! So even after being released from that over tight hell, my mind has trained itself to remember its just not worth it for some things!

This is very interesting to me, because when I was filled I might have said yes to a cake, or crisps or something similar. So the 'Its not worth it' only came into effect when I weighed up choking and puking versus the TYPE of food stuff... it was worth it to puke on cake or crisps maybe?? My mind is funny like that. I never realized I did that balancing out on food - the pros and cons of eating something... Hmmm. That's really actually quite sad isn't it.

What I intend to do - as my mate Dave suggested - is get a fill at some point and never let myself get into that situation again. I should have been able to eat an orange. I just never bothered to take the time to learn how. Oh yeah, i chewed stuff to death alright, but I mean never really bothered to try foods I thought might be a bit harder going. I just cut them out. So that limits my food choices which then starts the chain reaction into where I was at with subsisting on sloppy or melt able junk food and takeaway at about 10pm at night cos then I can get it down.

These are all good things to remember for me, and I am writing them down on a piece of paper so that I remember these things when i get there again. So as Dave rightly suggested getting a fill should limit rather than omit things. I guess there will be things that i come across that i wont be able to, like I was never able to tolerate bread in any form after my band was filled. But maybe I didn't try hard enough or take small enough bites. I dunno. I am going to give it all a fresh try and armed with my training I should be able to notice the first signs of distress and slow the heck down!

The other interesting things that I have come to terms with is the breaking of my band. That has been a head fucker right from the word go. It makes me sore and angry in my heart that this had to happen to me, because I am pretty sure that I would not be here writing this blog the way its written if everything had been ok with the band from the outset.

I have been repeatedly told by our solicitor that I had a case against the NHS for what happened to me. I also had a case against the private doctor in London who did a vanishing act. I also had the case against the company that made the band and I did receive a large sum from them for their faulty product in December 2007.

I have consistently left the NHS on the shelf. I just didn't want to go there. I think maybe I was frightened that there would be some record or they would refuse to treat me in future or something like that. I certainly cant afford private health care plan, so I have to go with them. It all felt rather bad manners too, even though they fucked up on a major scale. I know the name of the doctor who said I was fine, the senior consultant radiologist who looked at these next x-rays and said there was nothing wrong (even though - now get this - they do follow up care for this operation at this hospital so am guessing he might have seen a band before in his 34 years as a radiologist!!!!), and everyone else who treated me that day including the nurses on duty the night I was admitted and who I - lying in my bed - overheard at handover in the early hours say "Bunny, she came in complaining of abdominal pain, given morphine but still in pain. Shes either a very very good actor or is actually in pain, but who knows"... Nice huh!

I have done nothing about any of it. Now, I cant do anything about it. It was 3 years ago on 21st May that it broke. that's the time limit for raising a medical compensation case.

Its like a deliberately left it until now so that I could just forget about it, or them. Maybe its ingrained in us to trust doctors and nurses, or whatever, or maybe I am just being really truly gracious and feel like I already took enough compensation over this. The NHS is in debt and its not like I had a leg off or something. I also paid for this surgery myself so maybe I think I brought the whole situation on myself or whatever, but I just couldn't bring myself to sign the forms and send them back to the solicitor. I just couldn't. Now it doesn't matter. Its fucking done.

Any time I go into hospital now I can at least know that there is no secret code on my files saying "GET HER!" But I also know not to be fobbed off. I know that they can miss some freaking big problems now for real. So at least I kind of get something out of it.

So here are my X-Rays. I have blanked my name and stuff and the hospital name... but you get to see inside my guts:

On this x-ray you can see the port with a nice big prong poking out of it (it's and inch and a half long btw) this stabbed me in the liver for 6 months. And, just by 'Acq Tm' you can see the band in position and the tubing trailing off downwards.



And here's the other one showing my port and disconnected tubing and the 2 big clips that broke off and fired like a rocket into my pelvic area (look at spine in pelvis)! That tubing whipped through me like a blown tyre, so YES, nurse, I was in freaking Pain bitch!



By the time I got back to see Dr. Dillemans in the November, the tubing was hanging further down in my pelvis... straight down too. It explained why when i went to the loo I felt like I was having a baby and had stabbing pains. Check out the port area too... explains why once I bent over, I had chronic pain in my upper midriff... it was stabbing my liver.

So there we go guys... its all over, I cant call anyone on this any more. Dr. Dillemans was appalled at the sate of it all and instantly fixed it all up for free the very next day and was amazing. I would thoroughly recommend him to anyone. I only know 3 other people this happened too and I sincerely hope there is no one else... but if your band ain't working, then get this sucker checked as it was a faulty batch or LapBands ok? Some people don't get pain... it all depends where everything's located and how long the tubing is etc... so don't give up on your little silicone buddy unless you know this hasn't happened.

So this is me putting it all to bed. *dusts hands off*

The other things that has made me in the mood to restart stuff is my weight. My actual weight.

Yesterday at slimmingworld I weighed in at 18 stone 1.5lbs (thats 253.5lbs). When I started my WHOLE weightloss expedition way back and originally joined slimmingword I weighed 18 stone 12.5lbs. That's just 11 pounds lost in about 6 years.

When I had lapband surgery on 14th February 2007 I weighed exactly 18 stone (252lbs).

I now weigh MORE than at my original surgery date.

So peeps, I have really really REALLY gone back to base camp.

These things should shock me, but actually they inspire me. Its like Running the Marathon and twisting your ankle at 10miles. Like Trekking to the North pole and having the huskies turn on you and eat the supplies just into the arctic circle. Like getting halfway up Everest and your Sherpa realizing that you don't have enough oxygen to complete the mission. So you have to go back home and re-load.

So I am HAPPY and well glad I get the chance to run this race again! Its day 4 and all is well!!!

The plan I am doing is Dieti-meal. Its shakes, bars, soup and mrp meals. VERY tasty and easily doable for a month. Its a VLCD full meal replacement plan. Each meal is 25% of your daily nutrients, so I have a shake in the am, then soup or shake for lunch, then 2 chocolate bars things to snack on when I like (2bars = 1 meal) and then instant sachet of spag bol or shepherds pie for tea.

I thought the meal sachets would be gross, but they are VERY nice. I have eaten worse at a restaurant... and you know how I love my food!!

I did consider really going for it with slimingworld, but at the moment I just wanna burn fat, lose weight and not have to think about it. I need a boost to my psyche and this is gunna do it.

So, slimmingworld better be ready for a lighter load on the scales next week!

1st day all over again

Hello all.

I decided that I am going to have lapband surgery.

No, you are not reading the wrong blog - you are just reading a new start to this blog.

I had my surgery 3 years, 3 months and 18 days ago. I just haven't done this thing properly yet.

Soooooo...

Today I start my liquid diet. The liquid diet I should have done before I had my initial surgery. I am going to have 4 weeks on Dieti Meal - a system of shakes, soups etc to kick start the motor of this insane journey.

Then I am going to have a fill. I will get a nice 1.5mls put in the band and see how we go.

So this is day one of my ALL NEW lapband journey.

Woooooo Hoooo off we go!

Need a boost

Hi everyone. There is still no sign of weightloss on the old carcass, but seeing as I am deflated of band and deflated of heart its no great surprise.

However, I have decided that I need a boost. Being this fat again is really not nice. I weigh, give or take, the same amount as when I had my surgery 3 years, 3 months and 16 days ago... but who's counting!

I have had my fill of bread, crumpets, donuts, pizza, chips and bulky meals including the delicious curries and Chinese feasts that I so love and have decided that they don't make me feel better either.

So its a bit like being in between the rock and the hard place.

If eating doesn't make me happy, and being banded doesn't make me happy what the heck will????

I think it just brutally comes down to me and my own willpower/image issues.

I don't have the willpower to eat small amounts of something yummy. I just don't. I have been going to the slimmingworld club religiously since being unfilled and have managed to put on every single week for 8 weeks - except 2 where I stayed the same. I have not once managed to complete an entire day on the plan.

Why? I really want to analyze this, but I cant seem to understand why I do it, or rather don't do it! Why don't i? I really want to know. Is my self image that shite that I actually am forcing myself to be fat? Or am I scared of something? Did I not really like the feeling of being 2 and a half stone lighter than this moment in time (as that's the lowest I have ever gotten)?

I think my personal image is pretty ok to be honest
I don't have a crap opinion of myself in general
I am not scared of being thin
I am not scared of being fat
I loved being 2 and a half stone lighter

what the bloody hell is wrong with me?

Maybe I need to change my view of myself as a dieter. Maybe I set myself up for a fall? I have tried everything and failed at everything and I consider myself un-skinnyable, so therefore I will be.

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what I need to work on.

How the heck can I change that. Its not like have past success to drawn on *insert puzzled ironic face*

My body, my brain and food have a violent relationship. We abuse each other mentally and physically and verbally. Other people are also affected and sometimes join in the gang bang, and the cycle has to stop.

I quit smoking one day on the spur of the moment and haven't lit up for 6 years. I had no cravings, no desire since and no "ex smokers are the worst" syndrome of dissing people that continue. Until the ban, I could sit in a fug of cigarette smoke without feeling the slightest twinge of need at any time. I was psychologically addicted to them, and was symbolically able to sever that addiction with one of those huge Chinese meat cleavers in one foul swoop.

The severing of that psychological/emotional dependency was such a success that I struggle to even think that I am an ex smoker. Its as if I never smoked before in my life.

The key to that severing was biblical. I don't talk about my faith at all here. Its not something I wish to discuss, and not something I even thought had a relevance to my weightloss until this moment.

Trying to work out the key to my quitting smoking, has brought it into sharp focus. I quit smoking because I realized that my body is a temple that should not be polluted with filth.

Now you could equally apply this wisdom to yourself when you consider what your parents did for you (however good/rubbish they were at that). This doesn't necessarily have to be about God, but I just watched the film The Passion of the Christ and it moved me so much. I sat in my arm chair smoking a Superking menthol because the local shop had run out of my favorite brand - Lambert & Butler Menthol - and considered the film. I was in a state of shock. I was the same shock as I would be if someone told me all my family had just been wiped out in a car wreck. I was physically shocked. Crying, shaky and shivery and unable to think straight. I was ruined by this film because it made me realized I had to do something with my life and that the bible was not a story full of words you cant understand. I realized that someone (in my case God) had given me my life, my beautiful life, clean pure and unharmed coming into this world. Everything working just as it should do, as far as it can do in this polluted world far from perfection.

That life was mine for the molding. No one was asking anything, no one was needing anything, it was just a gift. No matter how what I had done with that life thus far, or how people had treated that life thus far, each day was a new gift. The age old saying 'Turn over a new Leaf' meant something to me now.

Then i realized that smoking cigarettes was slowly killing that beautiful fresh body that I had been given. The body slowly ages and dies of something anyway, and I was just accelerating this process. It was like I was shoving 2 fingers up at the person who had given me this life, and I was sorry that I had.

I stubbed that cigarette out and never had another. That part of my life was over.

Maybe I need to capture this little gem of truth again and re work it to consider the way I am clogging the arteries of my life's force, how I am fast tracking for diabetes, and how my career of food abuse needs to end once and for all time.

Now here's the catch.... I still have to eat every day. It always comes down to that.

So let me work on this a little.

Chew it over.

Mull it.



Random updates:
Shop is doing great and we are paying the bills and still having enough to eat, so all is ok so far on that score

Sue has left the building - think you already know that, but she is history. She has only contacted us regarding her cat - who is systematically ruining the home of the person she gave him too... she wants ideas and me thinks,,, hints at the possibility of him returning here. NO WAY JOSE!

Ally - the new lodger arrives in less than a week, and we are all looking forward to meeting him.

We are off out on a boat this afternoon with my Uncle and Aunt. We haven't seen them for 11 years, so lets hope its not going to end in one of us overboard!

hmmm

Well I am sitting here eating 3 slices of toast with butter on. It seemed a good time to write a few words about my weightloss expedition. It would seem that the party of 1 has stopped bothering.

I am alive, well and still huge. I think I am currently 17 stone 9 ( 247lbs) or there abouts. This means that I am only 5 pounds less than I was when I had my original Lap Band surgery, and just 2 pounds shy of the weight I was when I had it fixed.

I am just having a plain old rest up. I don't care right now about my weight, its just nice to eat things again. Its nice not to have to worry about each mouthful or think of portion size or worry about puking in-front of my family on a daily basis.

When I am good and ready I can take it back off the shelf and give it a go again. I am pretty sure that I was in a no win situation with my band a month or so back where it was inflamed, so i ate crap, then tried to eat too much cos feeling shit about myself eating crap, then it inflamed again bla bla bla.

I am sure I stretched my little pouch, and needed to have it released so that things can return to normal. Funnily enough I still don't feel like I am completely normal. When I had pizza the other day I had to stop a bit and let it go down... but its basically just like the old me again.

My stomach has definitely shrunk though, which is amazing. I cannot eat the quantities of food which I used to, and its not because there is the residual elements of the band.. its because my stomach feels like its going to explode with sheer gluttony! Its the stomach actually telling me to stop for a change, which I have never EVER had before or since banding.

So, maybe there are some positives. However, I do feel like I think only of the negatives. I cant seem to help myself. We just decorated the hall and stairs, and the pic of my brother and me at his wedding just before I had the disastrous unfill in September 2008 is where I weighed 15 stone 7. thats 2 stone less (28lbs!) and it does make a difference to the way I look. Just 2 measly stone is all it is between looking like a fat munter and looking passably normal.

Ho hum.

Anyway, couple that with all the other shit, I think I just need a break. I have stopped taking amatryptaline as it was SCREWING MY BRAIN OUT. I was not getting used to it and it made me feel as terrible as terrible can be, so they started me a couple weeks ago on Gabapentin. its an anti epileptic, and helps with nerve pain - which is apparently what I have. They use it for people who have a car smash, crush their arm and have to amputate, but that person can still feel the pain in the arm even though its not there. The damaged nerves never heal because they were severed. They think this happened somehow in my bladder from a terrible infection. The only terrible infection I remember was when I was 14. It was awful and I was in hospital and they thought I had meningitis, but I didn't. It was a kidney infection apparently. So that's what they think its from, and its never gone away. I suffered with what I thought was cystitis for years and years, but actually it was this. The only time the pain went away, was when I was on anti depressants. But I have been off them for 18 months now, so that's why it all came back again.

the gabapentin is certainly helping. I have had maybe 1 or 2 twinges over the last few weeks, but that's it. I am now (as of last night) up to the full dosage so that should go completely soon - I have had to step the dosages you see rather than just swallow 300mg in one go.

So that's all good. I am still going to slimmingworld, although the woman must think I am crazy since I have put on 7 pounds since joining her class!! We changed our names, and went to a new town and they have no idea who we are HAHAHA awesome. So much for their privacy policy eh? I think that sux what they did to me, and that didn't help my mood or decision to have an unfill. those consultants need sacking, but they didn't want to hear it at head office when I called... i wrote about it about 2 years ago on here.

Anyway, thanks for all your support, I will update this now and then let you know I am still alive, and of course let you know when I resume the expedition in all earnest.

There are glimmers of hope... I have been reading about Chinese diets for weightloss... so something is still going on in this mind and doesn't want to give up, but just has to have a little nap for a while.

speak later

musings

New shop open 2 weeks-
* DH given up job to run shop so last expected pay check was on 31th March giving me the willies a little bit about how to pay bills this month, even though initial signs for shop are more than good.
* still have a few bits to do in the shop - shelving and making a cupboard - easy, but on my mind
* have lots of big stock bills at the end of every month until September. This month £1000, next month £2000 june=£3000 july £1000 august £3000 ontop of normal shop running costs and paying ourselves

Slimmingworld-
* class stabbed me all over with many pains when I found out that they think I am a moron anyway for having a band and that it serves me right that I am finding things difficult. Jealousy perhaps? no difference, makes me feel shit and hurt and all because slimmingworld PIG at 1st class told the leader of our 2nd class we joined that I had a band and suddenly everyone in the class knew without me mentioning it AT ALL. very bad form considering slimmingworlds Privacy policy and even though taken up with head office they say their leaders are in the right. This is bollocks as I never told them about it or anyone in that class.
* New class changed names so as not to be recognized from ANY previous class and drive out of my way to get there
* 1st week back put on 1 lb. feel shit
* struggle with no msg and slimmingworld lowfat diet other than eating veg and meat as total source sustainance. end of. That's boring food in my opinion.

Dad-
* fixed up concoction for skin regeneration for him. sourced it, cost £45 in 9 different tablets and batted away "it wont work" comments from him and mum
* concoction working and unbelievable results being seen in just 2 weeks.
* healing means operation for illiostomy reversal will be sooner rather than later = fear of losing father

Dodgy Piston-
* new pills trip off face
* new pills = want to eat LOADS
* pain sorted
* give weird extreme depressive thoughts worse than when had clinical depression. want stop planet and get off

Accounts-
* my end of year accounts need doing
* lost mileage sheets so must use route calculator to calculate route of 5 trips per week for a year. each trip takes approx 4 minutes to process online through a route planner (various stops e.g. start, town 1, town 2, town 3, town 4, town 5, towns 3 again and then home!) total work load envisaged = 12 hours. God.

DH's Accounts-
* headache plain and simple. takes hours working out how to use new account package which should make it easy. DOESNT.
* daily fluff and shiz must be entered and balanced doing head in

DS butt problem-
* worry DS still has trouble with rear end. Dioreah still daily even though taking medicine
* missed hospital appointment by accident on thursday now must wait until 1st June for next one

Sue leaving-
* 2 years after coming here, Sue our lodger is leaving. She got nice bungalow 100 odd miles away and cant turn down - from some ex-navy charity trust offering ex-servicewomen places to live proper cheap. awesome for her. upsetting for us as will miss dearly
* stress finding new lodger - no bites in the 2 weeks since told leaving.

General malaise
* feel dreadful
* feel sleepy and tired
* feel emotionally bankrupt
* want to hide
* want to go away
* want to spend lots of money of pointless shit (but cant cos have none)
* want to eat cakes and pies and takeaway at all times (cant cos lack of said funds)
* *(BLOW MASSIVE RASPBERRY) thats wot its like right now.

And then I was freeeeeee

I did it. i just could NOT take it any more. I had my fluid out.

Ok... not alllll of it, but a lot! I now only have only 4ml in Albert Ladysmith Steptoe, and I am one happy happy HAPPY girl.
I had that 0.5 out about 5 weeks ago, and it was ok... I could drink water and liquids without worrying at last, and trust me that was a sweet relief, but I still was not achieving what I wanted - which was to eat. Not eat crap - eat a variety of foods, chew things to death for sure, but eat them ALL. I wanted to eat a sandwich again if I so wanted. I wanted to have a roast potato, a piece of chicken would be nice occasionally too. I wanted to have carrots, peas and sweetcorn and other luscious veg. Prawns and tuna steaks and egg! I could not believe how much I really really wanted to eat just plain old normal foods.

So after a 4 week trial on 0.5ml out, I had 3ml removed on 3rd April by Jane the band lady. (her website is at www.gastricbandfill.com for your info H - sorry it took me ages to get that to you!!)
I must say that after the 0.5ml was taken out, initially I was able to eat foods again in the first week or so, but funnily enough it seemed to tighten up again in week 2 around my period. It never got slack again and I was back to square one - tight as a ducks bum and twice as nasty! I was having to eat some kind of gravy or home made sauce of some kind to get anything down worth an ounce of nutrition, and I was reverting to junk again big time.
Doing the shop up was stressful as I was foreman, donkey, holder of the purse strings, front of house and dogsbody all at the same time. It was hard doing it on one bite of this, one bite of that, and I was grazing like a cow in pasture.
I was miserable and fed up and after 3 years with fuck all weightloss I had had enough to be frank.

After having the blissful 3ml out I went up by 7 pounds practically overnight. It was probably only to do with the fact that I could eat a full meal 3 times a day really, but the weight gain has stopped now and this week I have lost a pound without even trying. The band is still doing something to me, or has shrunk my stomach, as my portions are not near what they used to be and I am only hungry three times a day as opposed to all day long before the band, or never hungry when I was at 7.5mls full.
Me and TB also started another Slimmingworld class last Thursday and its in a completely different town with no overlap and no one we know. No one knows who we are, or that I have a band and we even changed out surnames (I am NOT kidding!!) so that it could not be traced either. I am fed up of people judging me in some way or another about having the band.

I have been very unhappy with my band, but I have to say I think its because I had the terrible problems with it in the beginning and not becuase it doesnt work. It obviously does work as people are losing weight hand over fist - but not me. I was 18 stone (252lbs) when I had the band, and now I am 17 stone 4lb (242lbs) - thats 10lbs in over 3 years.

So, I am going to give myself a god-damn break. I am fed up with criticizing myself, my band and letting my own wacko brain imagine what people are thinking about me; I am just going to be normal for a change. I need to rest that stoma & pouch of mine and let it plump, fluff, re-juice or whatever it needs to do so that I can maybe (and I do mean maybe) re open that little toolbox later on down the road.

At the moment, I am going to give slimmingworld another good go. I am still going to remain msg free because I have found so many benefits from withholding it from my diet - sleeping better, more alert in the morning and a general sense of wellbeing + much more. That will be hard to do, but I can do a diet without the need for fat free yoghurt or low fat products no problem.
Can you believe that I nearly wept when I ate an apple the other day. It was sooooo yummy. I haven't been able to eat apple for at least a year. That's so not right. I know bandsters who are losing and happy and eat a variety of foods, so that means my band was too tight by far as most food was off limits, or I had to go to some great length to limber up my hole to get a morsel down.
So for the mo, I am happy being unrestricted, and I am going for it with slimmingworld. Thankfully the hunger pangs are under control because there is still 4ml in my band which helps with that I am sure. We shall see.

I also had another appointment at the hospital re my errant 'piss-ton' as we refer to it! I hate calling it a urethra or pee hole, so we thought Piston was just fabulous!! Apparently there is nothing else they can do surgically to stop my bladder pain which differs to cause me 'piston pain'. Thats good then. So as I was about to leave I mentioned again to him that I might try going back on my antidepessant pills because I never had any greif when I took them, and he went "Oh yeah!" and then I sat back down as he 'remembered' that he was going to prescribe me amitryptaline. Amitriptaline???????? OMFG!!!!!

As the cold sweat subsided and I regained composure and asked him if that was really necessary, he said it was just going to be a low dose 20mg or so. Phew!! However when I picked up the tablets from the hospital pharmacy they said "lucky its a bank holiday weekend hey?"
Yeah... side effect city. Oh man, Sunday I was off my face and Monday wasnt much better. I am only just about getting there now but it HAS sorted it. I have no piston pain at all. I dont mind feeling drunk all day long if I dont have piston trouble!! HAHA

So I am on psycho trippy drugs and have an unfilled band.... hee hee heeeeee not a good time to have tablets that give you the munchies!!!

Spacious dude
The shop is all finished, heres the result: