Kick Ass Rant

Sorry this post contains cussing. Don't usually swear but its how I was feeling. There are worse words that shit... like War.

I am in a bit of a pickle right now. Physically - I am sure its nothing to worry overly about, but I need to manage the situation carefully from a kind of 'out of body' standpoint. Mentally - more of a torture.

Yesterday, as you know, I had nothing to eat all day.

I need to go into this further, so bear with me. I need to do this so that if possible I can stop scaring the be-wotsit out of myself.

I got up at 9:30. I took a coffee into the stakeout caravan. I drank it all.

I did the Clint Eastwood with the DHL man, and then came inside to clean my grottsville house.

After cleaning enough space in the kitchen to see the worktops, I then cooked eggs in 3 different ways for the family. I sat down with another coffee and my scrambled eggs. I was struggling with the coffee a little bit, and kind of waiting and willing it to go down so I could eat.

I had about 3 or 4 teaspoons of scrambled eggs, and knew that it was going to come back. It did.
I could not drink my coffee at the cinema, and it was cold by the time I got home. I microwaved it and was able to get most of it down once home.

Then the fatal popcorn. I had 1 piece, and it gave me that 'no way feeling' and barfed.
later on a few more pieces of popcorn, and a bit more barf.

Then I swilled 2 cold coffees down the sink, because although I wasn't really thinking about it, I obviously couldn't drink them. I love coffee, so its not something that hangs about for any length of time unless I cant drink it.

Then yesterday evening, had some gravy, tried some mashed swede, no go. Barf again. Then over the course of the evening I had another vomit, and another one.

Tried some more coffee, barf. Tasted an olive en-route to the sofa for a bit of telly... nope. Glass of wine stayed in the glass - less one sip down the plughole with the olive.

Tried again much later to do never fail 'sip a minute' and IT DIDN'T WORK. Started to get worried. Looked incessantly at blogs about banding and success stories on YouTube of people losing loads, and trying not to look at that doctor promoting himself converting LB into RNY's for the patients it didn't work for (and trying not to put myself in that category), and looking for some inner peace and inspiration.

I tried sip a minute again with a little success, then had an attack of something I haven't had for a long time... the drools. I haven't had my head over the sink with my mouth running water for a loooooong time. The last time was maybe over 18months ago or more. My cheeks felt tight and sour and you just feel like you want to chuck, but you don't and all this saliva just runs and runs and runs out of your mouth. And then barf.

It was 1:30am and DH and I were tired so we went to bed. He suggested trying again in bed, so I took a jug of hot water with lemon in it, to maybe cut through the mucus etc. A few sips - 3 minutes or 4 - I was puking back into the cup.

I was sick maybe 10 times that day.

I think I managed to keep down about 8 ounces of fluid in total (stakeout caravan coffee and cinema coffee - eventually) and no food.

So we lay down and I was getting a little bit of acid in my throat. I hasten to state that this was not heartburn, or acid reflux... it was a result of drinking and then puking lemon juice infused water.

I lay there with hubby gently slipping into dreamland and snoredom and just couldn't stay. I got up and came downstairs and started up YouTube and blogspot again. I read several peoples blogs from the beginning, and kind of wished that they had kept going as some of the posts were months old. A lot of the ones that were current were only maybe 5 or 6 month old blogs anyway. I didn't find any old timers that I didn't know about or anyone who has gone through similar shit, but there was some interesting stuff. Blogs are great as they give the good AND the bad.

Now, in this blog I keep it real. I have had/am having a hard time with my band. Like I have said before, Albert Ladysmith Steptoe and I do NOT get along a lot of the time, we kind of have to exist with each other. I have had a few months now where we have actually been having a second honeymoon, and right now I feel that its over, and I would even consider separation & divorce, if the legal fees weren't going to be so high and him get half my share of the sanity? I dont think so.

I read through loads of blogs, looked at loads of YouTube videos of people amazing journeys and how wonderful they have done. Some are 3 years out of surgery and lots 120lbs. Some are 18 months and lost 60lbs, some are 7 or 8 years down the track and have just had plastic surgery etc.

Did it inspire me? Honestly? No.

No it did not.

Why didn't it inspire me? I really don't know. I wanted inspiration, I wanted to 'get charged' get pumped up and feel better when I was having a shitty day and naff all to drink and feeling like crap-O and knowing that I was gonna burn like hellfire when I went to the bog because of the urine infection + having NO DRINKS all day! I was kind of wincing in advance just thinking about it. I needed a boost; needed to feel like this was all worth it. I was practically begging.

I looked at all these beautiful women, who's bands did them the power of good and they lost steadily and evidently just ate less, kind of healthy but with more than enough treats by the look of things and are now at their dream weights.

I just thought "You fuckers".

That is the honest truth. I begrudged them every single pound, I felt myself feel real anger at them. I felt cheated that my band has not been anything near what they had. I felt conspiracy theory-ish. They have just shammed this up so they can con us out of money at the cruel expense of our mental state.

I felt jealous and disbelieving of their so called weight loss. I found myself looking at them and thinking 'well you lost weight but your still ugly' kinds of things. I felt bitter, twisted and hateful and spiteful and just like the nastiest person on earth. I hated them and I hated myself.

Then I knew what it was. It was shame. I was ashamed. I should have felt ashamed about the way I was feeling about those YouTuber's but it was a much more deep rooted, personal shame that I am going to try to unlock right here.

I felt ashamed of myself. Or should that be I FEEL shame, present tense. I am ashamed that I couldn't get it right. I am ashamed that I overeat. I am ashamed that I just can't control myself. I am ashamed that everything I try ends up going to shit. I feel like the people at the side of the road after a car crash with all the rubber-neckers gawping at me and my fat. I want to hide. I wish I had never told anyone about this band and then I wouldn't have to excuse myself, or explain myself or have them watching me. Most have given up to be fair. There was such excitement at the first part of the journey, and now its just like they have given up on me. Like the kid left out of the party because their cool toy novelty value has worn thin.

If I had this surgery again, I would not tell a soul except for DH. I wouldn't tell my Mum, or my family. I wouldn't tell friends, I wouldn't tell anyone. I would make up a surgery - kidney stones, diverticulitis, an operation on my bowel of some sort for a blockage most likely. Then I would just get on with it. Why?

What is worse than being fat?

Telling people you had lapband surgery, and thereby admitting you are fat and cant control yourself by normal means, and 2 years after the event still be the same weight. That is worse than just being fat and getting on with your fat life.

Telling people I had a lapband was THE hardest thing. It was a mixture of elation and shame. I was ashamed that it had come to this - but elated that I was able to take my life back. But at the end of the day I was still admitting something EXTREMELY personal, and talking about a taboo subject that people just don't talk about. People never spoke to ME about my overweight bulk before I had the band. What they said to each other is no issue. What I dont know can't hurt me. Now they feel its a topic for open debate. Its so HUMILIATING

I am sure some people wonder if I really did have surgery. People always ask me about my weight - loss or gain - because I have had surgery. Also, its always in the negative because they don't understand - e.g.:

Picture the scene: chatting after a meeting with several people I don't know, but might want to get to know, in
attendance (so therefore actually care about my appearance).

Someone will undoubtably say:

"Yeah, well Bunny had weightloss surgery, but it didn't work, did it Bunny?"

and then all eyes on the fat bird. Check that lard ass out. Big tits... that a + possibly, but look at that huge bum - you could park a pie platter on it! Hell yeah she really needed surgery poor bastard.

They never mentioned it before, attention was never drawn to my weight in such a hostile and uncontrolled manner. Telling people means it crossed some kind of invisible barrier; it means its now ok to discuss the embarrassment of the fat girl in front of her peers like a clinical case.

Its easier to be fat and imagine people are looking at you, as opposed to being fat and having everyone expect you to shrink before their eyes, and NOT shrink and the fucking discuss it in front of you.

whats worse is:

"you should try the new Bla diet. It worked for So&So and she lost loads of weight." "So what went wrong, why didn't you lose?" "what about weightwatchers?" "You just need to eat less and
exercise more and it will drop off" "How did you do this week?" "have you thought about cutting down your portion sizes?" "Well, you always wear such nice clothes it doesn't notice that you are overweight" "Shall we all go out for a meal?" "Can't you just get it taken out and go back to normal."

When you want to lose weight and you don't... it sucks. When you have other people watching your failure its just so horrible.

What I hated about those video's was that I assume these people didn't go through this horrendous humiliation. They had the band, 6 months later whippets. Grand. Done. Bosh. No need to feel shame when you succeed. I am being publicly humiliated because I told them I had a band, I am now fair game to talk about, and failed aswell. Excellent conversation.

Maybe I should tell them I DON'T have one anymore as it didn't work, and just stop this endless cycle of hurt and shame. Mind you, I think the damage is done now. Then it will be a case of endless questions about how it didn't work, and I will be a pin up girl for 'don't bother with surgery' just eat less.

Just F'ing eat less. That has to be the worst put down I have ever heard in my life.

There was a woman a few months back on the news who suffered loads of abuse from her neighbours from hell. She was of German abstraction and had been living here for years and years. One day the neighbour yells "Schweinhund!". This means Pig-dog. A rather innocuous phrase that's kind of amusing because its such a crap put down in English. In German, this is a really horrible insult. Whatever. when some says "Just eat less and exercise and the weight will just drop off!" That is an innocuous phrase, but as bad an insult to me as schweinhund to a German.

I have a serious eating disorder and I am struggling to get a grip of myself. I don't need some stupid wanky do-gooder telling me the bleeding friggin' obvious. I am not fat because I am an ignorant neanderthal slob with no education and no knowledge of nutrition. In fact I bet that I could give that Gillian McKeith a serious run for her money on knowledge of nutrition, supplements and all things health - and while I am at it, what a bad advert for healthy living she is if you can be so ugly, pale, wan and wrinkled IMHO

Its like a person at a funeral trying to comfort the grieving next of kin by saying "He was a lovely chap" - of course he was. That's why he's flaming crying and upset that he has departed. No fucking shit Sherlock!

So after a massive Fear and Loathing in Bunny's Warren last night, and feeling proper pissed off and annoyed and hateful and half starved - thank goodness the knives weren't on display or home DIY surgery could have been seriously on the cards - I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. A good 2 and half hours since I had last tried to drink.

I got a glass of water and have a sip. waited for 2 minutes. had a sip. waited for 2 minutes. had a sip. waited for 2 minutes. let the cat out because it has suddenly refused to use the cat flap. lost my counting. had a sip. waited 1 minute. had a sip. waited 1 minute. realised there was no restriction to the water and upped the time to 20 seconds. sip.20 secs.sip.20 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs.sip.15 secs. sip. sip. sip. glug. sip. glug YES! refilled glass and drank normally like a human being. Then made (very quietly) a milkshake that still had bits in because i couldn't use the blender thingy, and that went down too.

Thank goodness.

I then had a look at some footage of X-ray fills. It was pretty good. too much waffle if you ask me, but good footage. I realised I didn't know much about how the fluid flows. To be honest, I don't think i am particularly any the wiser, but at least I kind of have an idea of what happens now.

I think a combination of annoyance, lack of sustenance and not having any kind of support from my surgery provider at all, and knowing that these people had the same surgery as I did, after i did, but with the support of doctors they could see regularly, and a lot of interaction with other lapbanders or networks or at the very least access to regular check ups helped them, and I just felt "why me".

Reassessing the situation from yesterday, when I hated those people for getting what I wanted, and getting something that has evaded my clutches for so long, I think that is basically it. I have been cheated, but now its down to me. I need to get OVER myself and get on with the job. Quit moaning, quit procrastinating, quit pity and shame and just give them the bird.

So I went to bed after having some kind of nutrition and a drink.

This morning, guess what. I can't drink. I tried some black coffee, and its not happening. I threw it back and got rid of it. That was about 12pm.

I have resorted to the worst thing, not proud but I am desperate. I still have my antibiotics to get down me remember, and I haven't been able to be regular with the doses because of yesterdays barf-fest. I NEED to take my antibiotic for this morning, and haven't been able to, so I have done the cardinal sin and taken an aspirin.

I haven't done it much, but when it gets too tight, I need something to loosen things. Paracetamol, which is safe for bandsters does not relief the stomach swelling. I do not advise it in anyway, but if desperate, then its something I have done, and haven't noticed any problems. With NSAID's you run the risk of bleeding of the stomach, or ulcers in normal life, but with a band, you risk erosion. I am frightened about using them, but sometimes no other drug will work and i seriously need to take on water for my infection so I don't burn my urethra right out and piss myself to death.

So, I am going to have something to drink and am resorting to liquids for 3 days again to settle this shit down a bit.

Sorry for such a rant, and being such an arsehole. I apologise for being horrid straight up. I am over it now.

I have to remember to Fight when I am super tight.
:o)

So today, i have managed about 400mls water and 2 slurps of Protein shake. I stopped there. I had to go back to the doctor's anyway as they found something odd in my urine.

apparently they grew a sterile puss from my wee. Lush. That's ok if it comes with bugs. Bugs + puss = infection. treat with antibio's for a week, sorted. whats not so great is when you have Lupus, repeated UTI's and loin pain (for about 6 months now) and they grow puss. Just Puss.

So now I have to go and fart around having a scan on my kidneys and my bladder. Joyeux

DHL & vomit

Oh what a day...
I have had a BAD band day and I am feeling it.

The DHL man stakeout went just as expected.

I sat in the caravan reading a book (The Piano Teacher) and lolling about on the duvet in there -which was actually kind of a nice escape... I might even do it in future as it was so pleasant. I pulled the curtain over the window a little so I could see him, but he couldn't see me. I contemplated my cuning plan and I lay in there for about 40 minutes until a red car rocked up on the drive. Out lopes a very odd bloke. He spoke on the phone like a 70 year old... he really had an old voice, but he looked young - about 35ish?, I dunno. He was wearing short shorts (in the pissing rain) and a cap (of the old git variety!) and coat. He just strolled up the drive and opened the letter box whilst rummaging in his pocket. He was about to card & leave again! What an anus!

I BURST from the van "Hey! I didn't hear you ring! Where's my parcel?". He was obviously stunned and dithered a bit, and then with his old 70 yr old voice said that he thought I was out. "What gave you that idea seeing as you didn't bother to knock or ring?"

I stood there all folded arms, in a chin wobbling act of ahh HA! You scoundrel!!! I found you out!

He actually said NOTHING. He walked to the car, grabbed the parcel off the seat and held it for a while whilst fiddling with his PDA wotsit. He was obviously not particularly good at using it (maybe he never has used it... the idea crossed my mind to be honest) as he was fumbling and shaking and seemingly just harassing the parcel's barcode as opposed to getting any kind of job done. Then his machine made a bleep and he jumped a little in surprise shoved the parcel into my hands, galloped back down the drive to his red car and flew away.

WHAT THE HECK???? Can anyone explain this madness? I honestly don't have an inkling as to why someone would waste their time and NOT deliver a parcel.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ok so on top of this, its DH's day off and we want to go and see 'UP'. The first showing is on at 1:45pm. Its 12:30 and I am cooking eggy bread for DS, Fried bread and fried eggs for DH and scrambled egg for me. All at the same time. I sit down to eat my eggs (last out of the family of course) and its only 10 minutes before we need to leave for the piccies. I cant eat. I try, but its no good. I drink my coffee too quick and it sits there.

By the time we are at the cinema, I am in need of a puke. I promptly trot off to the bogs and throw. Meanwhile, back in the land of the un-lapbanded, DH thought it was a good idea to order me popcorn *SLOW BLINK*

So I sit in the theatre watching UP with DH on the right eating family size bag of Malteasers, DS on the left eating a family size bag of Twisted Starburst both of them slurping gallon tanks of sprite whilst my popcorn *BLINK* sits on the floor along with the cooling black coffee they got me too.

Half way through the film, after a couple of sips of coffee, I needed to go to the bathroom again and purge. Coffee, even black, is not happening.

We get home. I make a fresh coffee and it goes ok. I make the mistake of tasting 1 piece of popcorn. PUKE #3 & puke #4 when I do it again. *sigh*.

I make dinner - home made beef stew, romanesque and mashed swede - have a few spoons of the gravy/beef broth and its all good. I have a teaspoon of mashed swede and here comes puke #5. I am properly annoyed now and feeling shite so I persevere a little later on (microwaved for the 2nd time) and puke #6 hits the sink.

So, the sum total of today's intake is nothing. Whatever has gone down, has just hit the deck again, so bugger food for today. In about half an hour I am going to initialize 'sip-a-minute' my amazing never fail tight band relief module. This never fails to help me get my fluids in and at least a protein shake or two down the gullet on a tight day.

So tight day is nearly over and tomorrow is hopefully going to be better, especially as DHL moron delivered my beauteous shiny glass body analyzer scales that seemingly are amazingly accurate and wondrous.

Sigh.

Do they get paid extra or what????

I have totally had it with DHL home delivery couriers. What is it with the current lazy sods who can't be bothered to ring the bell...????

Let me get this straight, its the DHL home delivery drivers... they are like a contracted out man+car delivery driver not the real ticket from DHL if you know what I mean.

There was someone at home ALL DAY on Monday. At 12:30 Sue goes to water the plants in the porch and finds a card on the mat for a DHL delivery. She had been sat on the sofa watching telly for the whole morning, and no bell rang, no knock was heard (sofa within clear earshot of door) and just this mystery card left at 11am. I rang them and re-arranged delivery for yesterday.

At 10:30 I took Geoff to the vet and Sue and Warren were reading in the sitting room. I come home and there is a card AGAIN on the floor. Neither of them heard a mouse squeak! No tap, no ding a ling, no nothing!

I was furious. The guy must creep up the gravel drive and just bung a calling card through the letter box and run away. I rang him and told him as such (on his answer phone of course!) and told him to just deliver the thing and try pressing the bell or pressing his knuckles short and quick against the door to make a noise called a knock.

Well I went to work and on return had a message on my answerphone "I called twice, I rang the bell twice, I knocked twice and I will try again tomorrow." What a load of CODSWALLOP! he never did any such thing the lying turd!

So right now I am off to camp out in the caravan on our drive and witness exactly what he does this time. If he dares try to card me I am going to go mad.

Do they get paid for every delivery attempt they make, or can they not be bothered to go out with the parcels? or what? I am stunned that someone could be bothered to walk up peoples drives, outright lie to them that they 'really did' ring the bell when they friggin' didn't, and then go home again 3 TIMES!

What is the gain for them in that? Maybe they just get their parcels delivered and write out a load of cards and go posting rather than lug all the parcels out to their car/van each day. But its their job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not so psycho

Ok, having now had 5 doses of antibiotics whirling around my system, I am not quite as pissed off as I was yesterday (pissed off... ha!).

I'm just getting ready for work, and drinking my USN diet fuel protein shake. I bought Vanilla and chocolate again, but also strawberry too. Yuk. Hate strawberry. Have to drink it as it was £15 though. Rubbish.

I think the fact that I have had a urine infection and since my last fill I have had several mild little bits of cystitis... I think I am basically not drinking enough fluids. I have coffee a lot each day, but I don't think its the same, and when you are eating much less, you are therefore not taking as much fluid from food as you used to be either, so I think I need to make it a goal to drink 2 litres of water on top of everything else.

So, apart from me being poorly, Geoffrey our CKC Spaniel is also rough too. He had his anti-man/dog operation on Friday, and was obviously a bit "why did you do it to me?" puppy dog eyes on Friday evening, but Saturday he seemed a little down, but pretty bright. Sunday he was not good. He didn't want to eat, didn't want to drink, didn't walk and was really sad and tail between legs. He was obviously in pain too, but seemingly everything 'downstairs' was ok. I took him to the vet and they gave him a jab for pain and said that they couldn't see anything either.
Yesterday he was alright, but very down... just sort of lolling about and not himself at all. Today his winkie was swollen either side of it, but the wound was fine like it should be. I know that there is only muscles there... no organs or other bits and bobs, so took him again.

The vet said she had NEVER seen this in an animal ever and there was nothing to worry about, but something was obviously very wrong. So she jabbed him again with various jollops, and he has to go back again on Friday or if it gets worse. She thinks its just a strange reaction to the surgery that affects him. He has not had surgery before, so we could not have known that. He has a bit of a temperature too, so she has given him antibiotics and painkillers for us to give him over the week, and hopefully he will be feeling better soon. its a sad sight though it really is. Poor baby looks so dejected.

Right, I am off to unload some chickpeas from the pressure cooker. I love them soooooo much. I just have them plain boiled. I am weird, I know.

Hit me

...and knock me out for a week.

Feel lousy and wretched. Have chronic urine/kidney infection and want to die. Quickly. Don't care if swift painless death or not because already in excruciating pain and it will be quick, so then over.

Also put on half a pound this week....

I know half a pound is really only the equivalent of a large fart, but its annoyed me. Its not down to being naughty either, just gallons and gallons of water with potassium citrate to flush through the old urinary tract.

*SCREAM OF ANNOYANCE*

bugger bugger bugger it.

positive notes...

umm.... ummmm.... struggling here.... ummm

Oh yeah, got the Building regs through for the conversion. Yippee... but then remember the horrible swine over the road. Back to bugger again.

Band behaving itself and doing the do... but put on this week anyway. Back to bugger again.

Ok, I give up. Will write again when in better mood.

:o(

Soooo tired

Wow, what a week. So much has happened that I am still spinning.

Lets start from last Thursday... um, can't remember

Friday? Oh yeah, found out that some delightful friendly neighbour contacted the council about our garage room. Thankfully, before we received a letter from them, we had just scraped together the money to get a builder in to convert the front to a window and insulate it ready for winter. Why people have to be so bloody nosy I will never know. What the heck does it matter to Joe Bloggs if I have a room in my garage? Seriously? It doesn't make an impact on anyone else's life whatsoever. So even though we had had 3 quotes, decided on a builder and instructed him (of which I had felt joy and glee for my fabulous savings and planning skills), now I feel totally crap about the lovely nasty neighbour. I know who you are you SWINE! (and no, its got nothing to do with having a few builders in... its only been a few days, so they wouldn't have had time. I KNOW who the informer was!)

So they can go boil themselves or something equally nasty.

What pisses me off is that when they start work in about 10 days, they will think its because of them. They will have a little chuckle to themselves and feel all righteous or justified or whatever.

I am just trying to take comfort for the fact that when its done, my home will be worth £25K more than theirs and they must think its staggering that I suddenly have £6K just sitting there ready to go into action. So after a while, if I was the stupid sod who informed, I would be a little more pissed off with me because they haven't upset me in any way, and now my house is better than theirs and I obviously have the cash to do it bla bla.

Nope, still doesn't make me feel any better, but maybe it will when its done. I was feeling so great about it all. One little letter and everything turns to turd.

So that was Friday.

Saturday? Umm, I had a headache. I went to my first 4 lessons and then came home because I was feeling rubbish. Probably because of the letter.

Sunday, invited to a friends wedding which is lovely. They got engaged 4 weeks ago and are getting married in 3 weeks time. How COOL is that! Mad, but cool. They are having their wedding reception at an Indian buffet house too. Wicked!

Monday... Well, weighbridge time was ok-ish. I am in full swing right now, so 1/2lb off at this time of the month, with all my chocolate wanton antics is pretty good. I will grab it and run thanks very much! Oh yeah!

The day progressed as days do, and we settled down in the evening to relax. We played a game of something DS made up. He made a spinner and when it landed on a '?' you had to answer a question from the trivial pursuit game... (a really really hard one that only he was allowed to find for us!) If it landed on a word, then you had to do an impression of the word - kangaroo, monkey, Russian, cat, dog, cow, banana(?), horse and idiot. Quite a fun game actually!

Then Sue called me upstairs and wanted me to look at her. She was covered in great big red welts. It was horrible. Big thumps of red on her tummy and back, chest and head and eyelids even. I gave her codeine, big whack of antihistamine and some diprobase and then bundled her into the car and took her to casualty. It was obviously a reaction to something and as she has trouble with her breathing often, I didn't want to chance anything. She hadn't been in bed long, and it had come up violently quickly.

Sat in casualty for about an hour and then we were seen by Jack. Yes, Jack. A doctor with luscious long brown curls, ripped jeans, brown sandals and one of those really expensive knitted jumpers that are really thick and woolly. He looked like a modern Jesus in the wrong job. I have never seen a doctor looking so un-doctor like. EVER. He spoke with a soft public school accent and praised my immediate intervention with pain killers and antihistamine wallop. Then he pretty much said that was all we should do and sent us home. Urticaria apparently. An allergic reaction to who knows what. We had already wracked our brains, but could come up with nothing at all. So we came home. It was 11:30pm and I was shattered. There ended my Monday evening.

Tuesday, not much to report. Our shower finally packed up and I had to get a new one. TB'sDH came around and put it in for us - the angel. As he trudged up the stairs he said "You see Sue, its not lies! I really am a plumber!" as he hardly does a days work in his life if he can possibly help it!

Yesterday was good too. DH had the day off as usual, and we stayed in bed until 1pm. We were rudely awoken by the dog leaping at us and DS saying it was 1pm and maybe it was time for his lunch! Thankfully he had done all his work for the day by the time we got up which was a blessing. I like lie-ins, but there is a critical point where you feel more tired if you lie in too much. This was one of those days. A new delivery of my protein shakes came yesterday too, which was good. I ordered 3 tubs this time - Vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

I ran out on Monday actually, so on Tuesday I didn't have a single shake and I really missed them! Its amazing how full they make you feel and actually they seem to give me a bit of a zing as i was feeling pretty sluggish. I was also raking around for food, so just shows.

Also TB'sDH came around to look at the pipework in our 3rd bedroom to see about dropping some pipes into the new room when its done to give it a radiator. We had to pull all the carpet up and then we realised that it was not going to be possible to do that. Great! We will have to run piping around the skirting board and then drop it through the ceiling as its just too much hard work. These modern houses are a nightmare. The Floor Board (one big chip board sheet) runs actually UNDER the wall between our room and Charlotte's room. Can you believe that? Dear me. So that's a job for next Wednesday. I hope DS appreciates all this work and bother - probably not! PHFFF!

Then we went to the dump and bought a door for £5 to hang at the bottom of our stairs. The door at the bottom of our stairs had a hole from someones boot in it when we moved in - I had patched up best I could (8 years ago - GROAN!) and finally yesterday we got a 'new' one. I begrudge paying for a new door from the shops for £30 and then having to paint it all etc. The dump has a vast selection and only £5. I washed it down, it hung like a dream and was already painted nicely with a handle too. Cool!

So today... well it hasn't happened yet, but I have a tesco delivery on the way, picking TB up and a couple of her German students to practice their English. DS is going to have some fun this afternoon with the 12 yr old German student TB has at the moment. They can go off playing in the field and lake etc and help him with his English a bit, and it could help DS by opening the possibility of German exchange later on. Being home schooled has advantages, but I think language learning is one of the hardest to tackle because you are just doing it by yourself. You have to get out there and find others to whom you can get a relationship going. So we have discussed with Bridget the German teacher who is staying with TB to see if we can get them writing to each other and hopefully it might lead to a exchange or something when they are older.

so that's about it for now,
Will update shortly.

Me & my grub

I spent some time the other day trying to take some half decent face shots. I took loads. Why is it that I feel OK about this shot, but not the other 24. They are essentially of the same face, same smile, same dimples, same hair... but they are not the same though either. There were a couple on there that DH, tongue in cheek, told me that I should upload to Reader's Wives or something, and yes there was a definite 'pout' going on... but completely unintentionally. If I can stand in front of the mirror and try and take a decent pic of myself and it comes out looking like soft porn, then what the heck do I look like all the rest of the time?

Anyway, it was an amusing little half hour and even funnier looking at the shots with DH and TB's DH. They had such different ideas as to which one was the nicest. Both were totally different from my choice too. This one is actually DH's choice, so I thought I would roll with that.

Here is a picture of some grub I ate. I have NEVER in all my long banded days been happy to eat this little and stay satisfied for longer than 10 seconds. I have never before filled (?) my plate with so little food. Here we have home made Tomato Ravioli with a carbonara sauce and a bit of lettuce and shaved tomato. I shaved the tomato on my mandolin rather than slice it as I wasn't too sure if I would manage it. I guess I could have, but better err on the side of caution.

I am spending my days thus: drinking protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, occasionally I make one of them into a smoothie, and then having a very small meal for dinner. Here is a concoction that did NOT work, however I did drink it all up though. It was a tin of tropical fruit cocktail from Aldi - guava, pineapple, passion fruit and mango maybe. I pureed it and mixed in a little water and a scoop of powder. It did not go well. It was awful but it tasted cheesy and a bit like the smell of sweet kiddie sickie posset. Not sick, just a kind of yogurt curdling kind of thing. I wont be repeating the process, but the Cherry, or strawberry or forest fruits kinds of things go really well. I think it was the pineapple that made it grim, but I cant be sure.
So still happy, still being good, and still hoping I am losing.

little change

A little change to the name of my band...

My band will from now on be known as

Albert Ladysmith Steptoe

...or Albert for short.

It's most definately a male, and grumpy and probably wizzened too... so that's what I will name it. Also it will stop people searching for infomation about the TV show and coming across this blog - for which they will reap little reward for their efforts.

Steptoe & Daughter

I am really really happy with my band at the moment. Have I told you that already? Well, I really really am. I am restricted really well, and have been dreaming of this happy happy state for a looooooong time.

I love what I can/can't eat these days. Yesterday I wasn't feeling too great after wading back through my journey from hell, it kind of puts the dampeners on really, but everyone's comments really made me see that if I can get through that, I can do this for sure!

If my band had a name, and could talk and think and voice its opinions, I think it would not have been be too happy either. I think it would have moaned and groaned about the ignorant twit it was paired with and how every other band out there had a great person attached to it who followed the rules. It would moan on about how the other bands were having a nice easy ride kicking back and being tight on their persons guts - and then complain that it was having a hard time in the workplace , being worked too hard, and under appreciated because their person was being sick, blowing it up, letting it down, blowing it up again and giving it a horrible time and slagging it down to boot. My band, like me, would also have a heck of a story to tell.

I can picture Mr. Band being a right moaning old goat like the Dad from Steptoe. This could easily be a picture of me and my band were we to be personified.

So, thinking about it... here is a picture which completely summs up how I had been feeling about my band since its instalation:

But, just like Steptoe & Son, deep down we love each other really. So, we need to just rub along together. He will always be a cantankerous old sod with a history, and I will always be wondering what's coming next. I am going to name my band Steptoe. I can't think of a more apt name.

So, Steptoe and I are being nice to each other. I am giving him much better working conditions and a pay increase. This picture is a much better summing up of our closely bonded state right now. Long may it continue!

Last night we watched a new series called FlashForward and it was BRILLIANT. It was so engaging, that the time slipped by. I like to nibble while I am on the sofa watching TV, so its good to avoid it really, but olives are still my saviour. Yesterday i only had 1 protein shake, and my dinner, so in the evening sitting eating a jar of green olives stuffed with pimiento was great. I find they are brilliant with Steptoe, and he has no trouble digesting them at all. They are little, juicy and savoury too. Low in calories and full of nutrients.

If you don't like olives, take heart because neither did I. I only started eating olives about 4 years ago. I had tried them, but found them bitter and disgustingly salty and they made me shudder.

Its a bit like cigarettes or beer... they are an acquired taste, and one you have to persevere with if you know what mean! My Mum is convinced that I like strong flavours because I have ruined my taste buds through smoking, but I am pretty sure I haven't, being that I gave up 5 years ago and am only 33 anyway. What I DO think is that i like strong flavours and that added to the reason why I liked the taste of tobacco. I don't really think about it, but I love strong coffee that you can stand your spoon up in. I have a very expensive and sexy machine and I only ever drink real coffee at home. I order my coffee in bulk from The Netherlands too, I will drop dead if it ever packs up. I even polish it sometimes *sniggers embarrassingly*. I lurve my coffee.

I love red wine. Strong oaky cask ages wines. I love port too, and also hot spicy foods, rich foods and sauces and things like that. I seriously wish I had taken the 20 olive challenge years ago. My friend used to put olives into a pasta sauce, and it was scrumptious. They are the very dark black semi dried Greek olives that, on their own, would taste like you are going to die of salt over load. I do not suggest starting with them, but they make a great flavour to a tomato sauce. They swell up and let their aroma flood out. Sue, our lodger, HATES olives, but begs for the pasta sauce because its the best she has ever tasted because of the olives. She even says "I hate olives, but I love your pasta sauce with olives". We both agree this is mighty odd.

My friend said that if I ate 20 olives in a row, then I would then like them. I thought this was utter rubbish, but thought... ok, bring it on - I can do that for a dare. So I lined up 20 green olives and began.

The first one was salty and tart and yucky and rubbery and horrid. It got worse, and worse until about olive 10 I thought that I was going to puke. My mouth made such contortions that I could have given an Olympic Gurner a run for their money.

Then came a sort of saturation point. It just didn't get any worse. It didn't get better either, and I finished the 20th olive and gulped down a glass of wine to wash the gross flavour away. I was adamant that I would never eat another olive in my life, they were wrong, and my job there was done.

Then a couple of weeks later I was at a party and they had nibbles, and I just kind of thought... I wonder... and plopped an olive in my gob. It was salty but sweet, they cloying dryness wasn't present, yet it was the same type that I had gobbled on the Olive Death Run just a fortnight before. Not bad. Piquant possibly. I put a few of them on a plate and ate them as I sipped wine.

Olives and Wine are Divine. Oh yes. It progressed until I was buying the occasional jar of olives, and finding that different olives tasted different. I don't like the soft black olives. I like the green ones stuffed with red paste (pimiento) or garlic, or marinated ones. I DEVOUR Kalamata olives... a Cretan olive that is kind of elongated, pointed and purply in colour. They are the best, and my most favorite.

So, for a tasty, low fat, low calorie, nutrient rich little snack, I suggest taking the Olive Death Challenge if you haven't 'got' olives yet.

My son, also now likes olives through the same challenge, but my DH doesn't want to give it a go. Sue won't do it either. Nor my parents. But, I am a little crazy and I love a challenge. DH's view is that he has done without them his whole life. Why stir things us now. Well, I guess he's right, but I am glad I tried them as it gives me a nice safe treat to eat that wont kill me or make me fat.

Oh, and just as a little aside... last night I made a curry with my new pressure cooker. We bought that frozen cubed beef that cooks like crap if you just boil it, but is amazing and soft in a pressure cooker, and all the fatty stuff melts away and you just get nice meat. So I cooked that up and made a sauce to go with it. I boiled some rice and found to my horror that some idiot had poured the ends of a bag of different type rice into my rice jar. I have my serious suspicions... and I am sure they were meaning well... but basically my rice takes 10 minutes. theirs takes 25. So guess what. We had rice mush and hard crunchy rice in the same dish. Yummmm. It was like eating curry and rice pudding with twigs in. BLEUGH. So now I have to throw away about 2kg of rice because it is thoroughly mixed with a slightly darker shade of rice, and has therefore ruined it. I could be anal and pick it all out, but I am not sad and tragic enough.

DH said I could make rice pudding with it, but to get the other harder grains of rice to the same texture, my rice would literally be white gooey slimy water akin to wallpaper past.

So its in the bin. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Meddling lodgers. Pah!

Thinner

I shifted 1 and a half pounds this week. YAY!

I am really glad I got a result today, but thank you Tina for you words of wisdom. You are right... it would only be water weight. But thankfully i don't need to worry about that.

And for Cara - and maybe everybody else - I have had my band for 2 years and 8 loooong months.

That's obviously a heck of a long time. So on that theme, as I am sure that people will wonder "2 and a half years? Crikey - what has she been doing for that amount of time and only lost 27.5lbs?", I think I should write an update.

Actually, since having my band I have only lost 1 Stone & 1lb (15lbs or 7kgs )

My weight ticker at the top of my blog shows the weight I have lost since I started my very aptly named Weightloss Expedition back in 2005. I lost the other 12 and a half pounds through slimmingworld.

I must stress that my journey has been fraught with difficulties, bad band management, ruptured band, further surgery and emotional a psychological issues and possible bulimic tendencies throughout my bands life history.

I started the blog back on 8th January 2005 when I decided that I didn't want to be fat anymore. We had just got back from 2 weeks in USA, my son had turned 5yrs old, we had just started home educating him and my husband had lost his job. Me not eating quite so much seemed like a good plan!

It was one so called cheesecake -quark, gelatine, splenda, teaspoon of baileys and 2 boudoir biscuits for a base- that tipped me over the edge of all reasonableness and had me booking lap band surgery.

It was a split moment decision. As my will power, self esteem and strength gave out, my hefty bulky backside gently slid down the dishwasher, tears streaming down my ruddy cheeks. I landing with a soft plop on the kitchen floor, offending 'cheesecake' still in my chubby mitts and sobbed quietly to the kitchen cupboards.

After a few moments of being at THE lowest ebb of my life, I got up. I Threw the foul fake pudding in the bin and ordered a 16inch pizza. Whilst waiting for it to arrive I typed Bypass into google. I came to the decision without asking anyone else's opinion, not even my husbands, and decided on the band over bypass fairly early in the searching session. I had found EOC within about 3 hours (DON'T use them btw!) and had mailed off my vital statistics, and also applied for a loan to finance the job. I ate the pizza, ate a jar of nutella swilled it down with lashings of wine and coffee with sugar and then went to bed. By 11am the next day I had my surgery booked for 3 weeks time. I raced around to my very good friend's house. Her name is TB - not because she has a wasting lung disease, but because she was my Travelling Buddy and we go everywhere, and have been everywhere together. I told her the news, then asked her to come with me all expenses. She said yes.

The rest you can read here: *Brugge*

I lost weight nicely, and was down to about 16 stone 6 by May 2007 (about 7lbs less than I am now). Then all hell broke loose. My band broke. Inside me. No one worked it out. I was in agony. FOR 6 MONTHS.

I had really REALLY dodgy aftercare. The Doctor told me to eat under 100ocals and it would happen. He failed to notice that there was no fluid in my band at all and each time he filled me (up to 11cc at one point! No restriction?? Idiot!) that the fluid simply went into my muscle tissue and abdominal cavity. He even managed to draw back blood into the syringe on one occasion when he decided to check my fluid level because I was concerned. This apparently was 'normal'.

It goes without saying that I was exceedingly perplexed and gaining weight, in pain, but a DOCTOR was telling me everything was fine. It's a hard thing to think a doctor is wrong... so although i knew he was... I just went along with it like a dumb ass.

I do not joke when I say I was in agony. Even the NHS hospital I went to after the band broke failed to help me after giving me a stomach X-ray and an ultrasound. No one told me. I was desperate. I could hardly work, we had to hire a housekeeper because I could not even cope with normal household chores. I was fully depressed and on Prozac and codeine daily for the pain. I had a couple of infections on my port site because of the fills, and no one helped me.

In the end, a contact recognised my patten of problems as similar to another of her contacts, (who is referred to as 'the informer' on my blog- if you read that far back), and she ended up telling me practically the same story as me, expect that she got herself sorted very quickly. I ended up travelling back to Brugge to see Dr. Dillemans for a check up and immediately he located the problem.

I was operated on the next day and my band was finally fixed on 9th November 2007. My bunk Mate from the initial surgery was also suffering the same problems, and travelled to Belgium the following week. Same story.

If you have supposedly have loads of fluid in your band, but still no restriction I THOROUGHLY suggest an X-ray to check your band is still connected to your tubing. You needn't suffer pain as I had. Bunk Mate had initial pain, but thought it was a pulled muscle. She had no other pain apart from piling back on the weight she had lost. Get it checked out!

We had all suffered due to a batch of faulty bands, which had not been recalled. We were given our revision surgery for free and all costs paid. I was also paid out compensation. However, for about a year after it was fixed I did not have my head on right. It was so traumatic I can't even fully explain, but I just lost complete confidence in my provider, my band, the success stories - everyone who lost weight with a band was obviously a downright liar - and I just didn't and couldn't get it together.

In the end, I got a new aftercare provider www.wlsgroup.co.uk and they were great. Its not a plug or anything; they helped me. I was still struggling emotionally, but after seeing Wendy, getting a few fills etc, I started losing weight. It was only the other week I realised how well I had been doing actually and blogged about it a few posts ago I think. But things were ok. I was losing weight nicely and got down to 15 stone 7lbs ( 217) which meant I had lost 33lbs with the band. Things got a bit wobbly though and I had an unfill in September last year. That was a disaster. Really I should maybe had advice like - go on liquids for a week and see how you feel. I basically had been irritating my pouch and a 1ml fill was way too much. So that's why it has taken me a year to get back to restriction as I blogged a few posts back. I have basically just been pissing about for a year like a yo yo.

So that is my very quick band story for those who haven't read my blog from the beginning - which is probably most of you - but I don't want to scare anyone. Its just what happened to me. It was a lot more drawn out, there are lots of tips that by reading them you might be able to spot the danger signs for your own self, or maybe gain some inspiration. A lot happened in the last 2 and a half years, and I was in the dark and on my own mostly. I don't frequent the message boards because the advice is always wack and high-horsey and they DON'T understand the background which is impossible to sum up in a few words... so I just avoid them. When I was seriously ill for those 6 months I posted untold messages trying to get some advice. No one gave me advice or anything that helped at all. My banding experience has been done by ME alone, and its probably been flawed and I have made very bad decisions along the way.

So that's why I have been banded for over 2 and a half years and only lose 15lbs. But last week I had only lost 13 and a half...!! I lost 1.5lbs this week. Yippee - I - ayyyy!!!

I am on the road to slim now, and I have good restriction. I have learned my lessons the VERY hard way, and I don't intend to make them again. I have a positive metal attitude, by work sucks, but at least I got rid of some pupils who made it suck hard. Things are looking up. I have lost each week (yeah, OK not every week, but that was swine flu false reading alright???!!!) and have lost a total of 6 and a half pounds in 3 weeks. That is gooooood news.

This band things works, but if you want to stay fat, you can, and will. You have to WANT to change.

I want to.

Oh, and by the way... anyone having troubles with the band...? I have pretty much had the lot. Be my guest and I will try and help you if I can.

Boy Oh Boy

What a week. I know I was not too worried about the lack of scale movement this week... or should I say the wrong kind of scale movement... but right now i am pre menstrual and in need of a boost. It better give me something tomorrow or I am going to feel really crap. this week has not been bad, I have stayed ok, eating small portions, having protein shakes and drinking plenty of fluids, keeping off the dreaded Red Wine (well except for one bottle!! Hic!) and allowing myself to have treats when and if I want them, but in moderation. I think this weeks treats have just been cheese and chilli sauce on a couple of occasions, 1 small bag of minstrels (yeah, they are yummy little shiny shelled chocolate saucers about the size of a button!) and the wine.

That's not a lot when you consider that everything else I have consumed has been low fat, high protein & low calorie in sensible bandit portions. Sooooo I am expecting to lose this week. What I don't want to happen is that I start the curse this evening or something awful and the weightloss not show up because of water retention or something like that. I suffer bad with periods, and almost always gain water weight, and this is the one week I really need to feel good about my band... otherwise I am know I am going to want to consume B&J's Phish food, other chocolate products and high calorie junk because I am TOTM and depressed about weightloss.

There's no need to beat me up over it - I KNOW i shouldn't do it... but I know I WILL feel like it. That's just honesty. What I need is a cheer on for tomorrow. I am kind of like "Oh, I hope I lose weight tomorrow... wheres the pudding?" you know? Eating because I am nervous, which is just the typical catch 22 of us serial over eaters... We know its the last thing that will help, but we do it anyway.

So am hoping that a loss, even of a 1lb will help me keep on the straight and narrow this week when I am at my most vulnerable.

Its like I am on the verge of somethign incredibly big here, and it's all starting to work... I feel like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone "This is it. Don't get scared now..."

Yesterday

The sum total of dinner yesterday! WOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

I am thrilled, I finally have really good restriction, and I am hoping that things are going to really get going on the downward slope.

This was a really lovely stew - beef, red wine, tomato, olives & carrots and some thick beef stock. Really hearty and served with boiled spuds. Mmmm. 2 weeks ago I would have tucked into 4 times this amount no worries.

So yesterday was a good day again. I had 2 shakes during the day, the beef stew for dinner and a slice (albeit thick!) of cheese with some tasty humous for a snack in the evening.

I spent most of the day sat at the computer doing my accounts and groping about for things I am allowed to claim for, then stumbled on a site that listed them all and found that I had been really short changing myself for the last couple of years. Yay! Its not normal for me to find something going in my favour for a change...

Fill #13 is working wonders, I find things to help with my tax, I get 2 nice pressies from my Mum and Mother in Law out of the blue, DS's maths age has increased by 6 months in 5 weeks and all is right with my little portion of the world...

13 - Unlucky for some... but not me!

I allowed myself some nice things

I really don't want to say that I have been BAD. I don't want to say that I have been NAUGHTY or something. Its so loaded with guilt and self loathing and I think, being someone who eats emotionally, its not a good thing for my psyche to think like that in any case.

So, I allowed my hands to put things into my mouth last night. It seems to be a patten, that when I can't eat, or don't eat (drink) properly during the day, then I crave food at night so much that I can't stand it, and eat more than I should.

Yesterday was one such day. I didn't get anything to eat all day because of the various things that I blogged about yesterday, and when I could eat, I couldn't...!

So last night whilst watching Atonement, a bottle of red, and a bag of minstrels crept quietly into my gullet. Then we decided to watch Hot Fuzz too, and during that, a slice of the leftover pie and 2 or 3 potatoes and carrots got down in there too.

So yesterday I probably had a normal amount of calories for the day, as opposed to the usual 2 protein shakes and small meal I have been having.

Anyway, during yesterdays trips all about the place, I came across this tub or fruit compote. Yummy! It goes nicely with my vanilla protein shake, blends to moosh and slips down a treat. Gives me a few extra calories, but actually not much as its surprisingly low. Also it's getting a touch boring having just chocolate, or vanilla or the 'way out there' coffee flavour I make myself by adding a teaspoon of coffee to the vanilla one.

Low resistance

I am so tired today. It's like I am half drunk or something.

I rushed around this morning cleaning up and doing bits and bobs, and then made a beef and onion pie from the last of the Sunday beef joint. I minced the beef and onion and added mashed sweet potato to it.

I bunged that in the fridge and then DH has a call from TB's DH about getting a new computer. So we shelve our plans of cinema, day of chilling out etc to traipse to the city and look at PC's. I semi wanted to get a pressure cooker, so decided - what the heck - I'll go too.

So, DH, TB and TB'sDH and I all went of the the city in the big red fun car. DH and TBDH went to PC world, and me and TB went to Argos.

I honestly didn't think that we would be out long, but things take time and we didn't get home until gone 5pm. I hadn't had a single thing to eat all day.

I had been so busy getting things done this morning, I hadn't had time for my protein shake, and I had only managed a coffee and some health pills - the black cohosh tablets I was going on about a few weeks ago remember?. Then of course, we hadn't been around at lunch time, so no shakes there either. We stopped at Aldi and I bought some orange juice, but couldn't drink it. I puked it up when we got back to TB's house.

I sat around there, and had to put into action the 'sip a minute' thing for the first time this week. It works really well. It really makes you think about what you are doing, and slows your processes completely. I managed a coffee before we came home which was good. When I got in I quickly made shake, but I was so tired and stressed even after that.

I made the pie and used the new pressure cooker to do the spuds and carrots, and it was all great. I had lots of gravy too. I managed a 2 finger sized portion of the pie, 1 half potato and about half a carrot with gravy. This was totally enough. Thank goodness my band didn't decide to be fickle this evening.

I am finding that the restriction is really mega in the mornings, and is still there in the evenings, but still nice enough to be able to eat a sensible dinner. I am not starving myself that's for sure!

I never did get to watch atonement, so I am off to watch it now - looking forward to it after the comment, so bye for now.

Good food for tight bands

I have had to create some nice mushy, healthy and nutritious foods to eat whilst very restricted.
The first is an especial favorite of mine - Bubble & Squeak. I used the cabbage from Sunday's Roast dinner and some mashed potato. I fried some garlic in a little olive oil and then mixed it into the plain mashed potato, added black and white pepper for a good 'ole kick, and then chopped the boiled red cabbage into small bits and dry fried it all in a very heavy pan.

Here's the mixture:




Now then, I know that we are to stay clear of mushy foods... but not when you are on a mushy diet on purpose! I am very restricted after infamous fill #13, and am NOT going to work with it. this means that I have liquids most of the day - protein drinks, soup, yogurt, jelly etc. then in the evening, I have a little soup to start my band off and let my tummy know food is on the way, and then a mushy meal cooked low fat, and in a healthy way. This is a lovely tasty dish that gets the taste buds watering, is easy to chew thoroughly and always stays down.
So here is the golden, lovely result:

Another of my favorites at the moment, the ultra healthy, low carb, Ratatouille. everyone makes it differently, but here is my recipe for yumminess:

4 or 5 courgettes, 3 aubergines, 1 red, 1 yellow & 1 green pepper, 20 pitted olives, 1 can of chopped plum tomatoes, 2 large white onions, 3 veg stock cubes, salt and pepper and 1/2tsp chilli flakes. Add 2 litres of water and simmer for about 2 hours. The water reduces, and the onion and aubergine kind of disappear making a thick sauce. This made an absolute vat of ratatouille, prompting my lodger Sue to ask "Did you happen to work in an army kitchen in a former life?". I do tend to be able to produce MASSIVE portions of meals, and my freezer is stocked full of little plastic bags of leftover something or other! It's great if you ask me!

Now, this concoction makes about 20 bandster portions, and i froze them all ready. it defrosts beautifully, and also purees with ease, so if you feel its not going down, then puree away and its gorgeous. It also means you can add a little water and it makes a good soup too!

So there we go, some little things to try. I will update this a bit later and I am off to work now.

Bye for now

A good day

So, even though the weighbridge were totally WRONG, I have had a great day.

2 USN Diet Fuel protein shakes
1 hot smoked salmon fillet with tinned tomatoes
1 McFlurry Mint Aero Bubbles flavour

YUM.

Had some lovely posts from people, and feeling good. DH was totally shocked at the 1.5lb gain and said it was rubbish before I had even said the same thing. So that has made me feel a lot better. As we were cuddling on the couch last night he was saying "you're feeling slimmer", so feeling very pleased with myself even if HORRIBLE SLIMMINGWORLD SCALES want to kill my enthusiasm.

You didn't - so YAH BOO SHUCKS!

Geoffrey has eaten a bottle of aquapet sludgebuster... wondering if this will cause him any ill effects at all. On the packet it says 'If swallowed seek medical advice and show this container'. Not a lot of point as the rest of the package is unreadable and there doesn't seem to be any sludgebuster anywhere on the floor... guessing he consumed it. Its 10pm however... so a trip to the vet might have to wait until morning to be honest. He's such a dumb dog.

He was actually sitting on the spare dining chair whilst we were eating dinner this evening. None of us noticed until DS gave his head a nuzzle and whispered sweet nothing to him and we were all like "The dog is at the table!" He is so bad. the thing is, with those long ears he looks like he has a bad perm. You kind of forget he is an animal.

We hired another 5 DVD's this evening, hence the McFlurry. so i am off to watch one of them now. Atonement. Hope its good.

DEEP BREATHING

In



Out



In



Out

Nope... doesn't work. I feel like absolute turn-out.

Went to the weighbridge this morning gleeful and bouncy of step.

I put on 1 and a half sodding pounds this week.

I am sorry, but how is that physically possible????????? Hmmm????

No, so it just cannot be true, so i am just ignoring the fact and i am not even going to register it on my blog weight chart as its a pile of steaming sauteed horse humus.

I was amazed to put on my shorts this morning (for the pointless trip to fat git club) and find that they were loose and flappy at the front and over my bum. These are the same shorts that I wore on holiday and was uncomfortable because they were on the tight side. they are now relatively loose around the waist and definitely the right fit. They are so comfortable that i actually wore them on a mammoth bike ride this afternoon with DS. We set out with no particular place in mind, but ended up riding around the road past the shop, through the cut to the lake, around the lake, down the old railway track and out down the hill, out of the village, along the road for a few miles, watched the farmers harvesting beets for a bit, round the fen tracks and back through a long drove back onto the top of our road. Probably about 6 miles in total. We were out for a good hour and a half and it was great fun.

So I was impressed with my weightloss, or body loss this week and its been a good band day so far again. A nice bowl of home made celery soup, a protein shake and a few coffee's. I have definitely noticed if I get stressed or am in a rush, I cant eat/drink. That's really good to know as it means I have to get up in time on Saturdays in future and eat my breakfast first before I bother with my hair, or emails or whatever. give myself maximum time for eating.

So, as I have obviously lost weight that is tangible, even if it doesn't show on the scales, I am going to carry on in the same vein. It has been a pretty easy week, food wise, band wise and emotional stress wise. I am miffed that the result wasn't visible, but at the end of the day if I weighed 19 stone but was a size 10, I couldn't care less... its what you look like isn't it. I DEFINITELY look smaller in just one week. People have commented, DH has said, TB has said, our lodgers have said and I KNOW I have, so I am going to try and remain positive.

I am thinking that really last weeks weight loss of 6 and a half pounds was due to dehydration from the swine flu and being generally ill, so it probably wasn't a true weight loss.

I am going to consider it as my weekly goal for the moment is - I lost 2 and a half last week, and 2 and a half this week. There we go. That feels better already.

Calm.

Getting excited

I am sooooo looking forward to Slimmingworld tomorrow. I can hardly wait. I have been such a virtuous little lap-bandster I am looking forward to hitting my 30lb down goal - so I need 2 and a half pounds to meet that. I reckon I will have done that for sure.

Funnily enough I actually feel thinner in myself. I was lying in bed and thinking how strange it was to have a flat tummy. Its not so puffy or pudgy as it was just a week ago and to have actual noticeable size changes in just a week, means that things must be going well. I know muscle weighs heavier than fat, so the loss might not be great, but things are shifting around underneath my clothes alright! Its wonderful.

Yesterday I had a little treat for being good all week. I get two omnibus editions of my favorite shows - Home and Away and Neighbours. So I sat down with a pint of squash, a coffee, a glass of wine and 2 slices of cheese to last me the mammoth session! Both were serious tear jerkers this week with two main characters dying... talk about emotionally draining for the viewers, but very good. I was crying my eyes out for 4 straight hours!!

It was a great evening and we didn't get to bed until 2:30am. We followed that by a long lay-in this morning until 11am which was just Brill!

Yesterday actually started off not too good on the band front. When I am stressed or rushed it doesn't work. I got up with plenty of time to get ready for work & have a coffee and a shake, but things didn't go right. As I sat down to drink my coffee, I was thinking "gotta get this down and then go... I have 10 minutes bla bla" and the coffee just would not be told! Because I knew I had to drink it quickly, it did not want to perform... my band obviously doesn't like to perform under pressure. So I had half a cup of coffee and it sat there on my band ALL DAY from 11am until I came home at 5pm. When I got in I did the "1 minute sip rescue plan". This is a plan I have devised to get things back on track.

If you cant drink, eat or are a bit sore, then you have a teaspoon of water and wait a full minute and then have another teaspoon. then repeat until you are sure its not building up in on the band and going to come back at you. Then you reduce the time to 50 seconds and 40 seconds and 30 seconds and then take sips from the glass.... bigger and bigger until you are drinking ok. At the first sign of any pressure, you have to stop and wait.

This works every time for me. It just makes sure you are giving yourself time to sit it out and do it properly. I could then drink my protein shake and about an hour later I served the family lasagna and salad and I had a coffee, some soup and followed it with pureed ratatouille.

So yesterdays food was a lot less than other days. I had been hungry most of the day, and it interesting to me to find that I wanted to eat something in the evening that was high in calories for the first time this week. So maybe this is the key to success for me. Keep full during the day, take time out to have meals and then the hunger/cravings don't start in the evenings. well, it's something to think about.

Anyway, off to help DH hang a new door in our porch. Yay!

ka ching... interest ing

Was just thinking about the word ka-ching.

I used this word to describe the veritable clunk of gold pieces in my palm... but think about it a bit more...

Ka = spirit or god.

Ching = beautiful or bright

Hmmm. Ponderous.

Hideously low in ka-ching

Getting a little desperate now. At least I am eating nothing I suppose. All the meals and things I have in the freezer amount to unfriendly band food, so that's a good thing. I can cook it all up and serve to my un-banded family of 4 and leave myself out.

Having not worked for 8 weeks over the summer, starting back to term a week late, having to have a Saturday off from work with swine flu (£150 down the Swanee) and shelling out £100 for the fill means that Bunny has few beans in the warren.

We are currently £337.04 overdrawn. I have about £60 coming in in a few days, so that will bump that up a bit, but it's rubbish. We have absolutely no capacity to go overdrawn. We don't own a single credit card or loan, and we don't have an overdraft facility either because of the temptation of credit. It's like heroin to me.

so £337.04 overdrawn is the current state of play in MY working out, but in reality we are not. We have one of those accounts where you have all your money in one place... mortgage, savings (pfuh!) and current account. The only thing saving us is the fact that my pupils pay for their lesson in 10 week blocks, so I have a kind of buffer thing going on. There is about £700 in my account, but its not mine... yet... It works out quite well. They pay me for 10 lessons, I put it in the bank and then each month I draw off payment for however many lessons they had and that's how we do it.

The only thing is that sometimes I think "that's ok... there's £700 buffer in there" and buy things (like Fills!) when I really should wait. Hence no credit cards or I would be a £Gazillion in debt no worries.

So its a bit squeaky bum time. I don't know if any of you know, but I am wanting to get to a point where I can stop work and just run the house and do DS homeschool full time. It seems like the light might be getting brighter at the end of the tunnel... its just times like this that makes me think hmmmm....

I might make a concerted effort to save all my money I earn over the next year and see if its a possibility to live on DH's money alone. That would be awesome. I assume he will get a pay rise in January anyway, so that will be all grist to the mill. Anyway, its not a big issue, but just something I would really like to do.

So, the band has been good and I have been fantabulous. Yesterday saw me consume under 1000 cals again and not be hungry. WOW. 2 protein shakes, couple of yoghurts, and 2 special things: 1/2 a cup of curry and rice & a diet ice cream pot.

The diet ice cream pot was from Eismann. They come around every 4 weeks of so and ply their wares. They sell loads of frozen food and its all really lovely, especially their puddings. I am not a fan of ice cream, but occasionally its nice to have something. I buy them primarily for DH and DS, but this time I bought Diet Cups. 16 pots of ice cream for £5. They only have between 70 and 80 calories apiece! Brilliant. So I have limited the boys to one each a day as usual, but they are getting a diet one without knowing it as the packaging is nondescript and in German too!

Secondly the 1/2 cup of curry and rice. A loooong time ago I bought some measuring spoons. I bought them because I have a few American cookbooks, but never knew how to measure the stuff in the recipes because it was all in quarts, and cups and stuff like that. Its do-able, but was so annoying converting everything, that I used to leave the book in the cupboard, or guess, or whatever. So I got these metal spoons. They measure liquids or solids, but give ounces and also cups. They have been in the back of my bakery drawer for years and hardly used. I came across the largest one of these spoons which is like a little itty bitty saucepan - like a Dolly's saucepan - and is the equivalent to 1 cup. So I got to thinking - this is perfect for measuring my portions with. So I put some rice in, and curry and then put it on a plate. I only ate half of this. I didn't feel that crummy throwing the rest of my dinner away as it wasn't much to begin with, so I think another little bit of the lap band jigsaw has slotted into place.

I went down to a tea plate quite a while ago, but I am considering a saucer. Its getting ridiculous, but there is something about having a plate in just the size you need it to be. I guess that is why we have tea plates, diner plates and serving plates... if no one cared then you would get a slice of cake on a great big dinner plate wouldn't you. So I am going to look for an extra special Bunny plate just for me.

Have you ever wondered why we write ounces ounCes... so why do we write it in the shortened form do we write oz?

- answer: It comes from the Old Italian word Onza, meaning Ounce. Ounce in Italian is now spelt Oncia.

Or why pounds is shortened to lbs... ?
That comes from the Latin Libra meaning scales. Libra Pondo - Pondo is where we get the word pound from.

Always wondered that myself.

Cookin' on gas!

Hello my lovelies. You will be pleased to know that my new found enthusiasm for my silicone buddy has NOT waned. We are in Luuuurve.

It's a few days since fill #13 now and have discovered more things about things that help things (um... yeah!?!).

You can look at what I have been eating if you are that bothered by clicking on my Today I Ate... page. Its mostly been a liquid diet with a little soft food and mushy food yesterday.

I am impressed with this fill. I am not hungry and I am able to stick to my own regime of eating and being happy with what I am eating. What I have discovered through the beauty of having a blog, is that if I had the money, I could have been here a good 6 months ago.

Let me explain. I have to pay £85 each time I go for a fill or un-fill. It also takes 2 and a half hours to drive to Harley Street where the clinic is. It costs about £30 in petrol. So all in all I am looking at roughly £100 a throw. There are other clinics, but Birmingham and London are the nearest to me, but equidistant. I wish there was one in Cambridge, but there isn't - there seems to be a big gap for the East Anglian Lap Banded Population and I am kind of glad I don't live in Norwich or somewhere because that would mean a 4 and a half hour journey to either of the nearest places. Wow. So, I have to deal with that. I had this operation and I knew I would need follow up... but not quite so much maybe.

So £100 a throw is actually quite difficult for us to find. Especially if it was each month. It usually takes me a good couple to scrape it together, or I put off going until I know I have a flush month coming up. I am self employed so I either have to miss work, or make it on a Sunday. I can't always choose Sunday as the clinic is full, so sometimes I have to miss work.

All this means that I don't go to a follow up with Wendy for weigh in a chat as often as I would like to... I simply can't afford to go every other Sunday to London. I also have a life. So if I HAD had the opportunity this year, I would have gone back and back and back until it was sorted... so any of you considering buying an aftercare package and think its a lot of money... DO IT! I wish I had. It would have saved me not only money, but brain pain. The simplicity that would have come from just hopping into the car and motoring down, getting a check up/fill/un-fill having already paid in advance would have been magic. Get the package.

I didn't - and so I paid the price of being at the same point for a WHOLE YEAR. I can hardly believe it. Thankfully I have this blog so that I can see all the little peculiarities and nuances of life after lap band. Let me explain.

5th October 2008 - 7mls in my band. 16 stone 8lbs (232)

This wasn't quite enough but life and unforeseen occurrence meant that I passed the 2 week "come back and get a squeeze in for free" window. So I went back.

18th January 2009 - 0.5ml fill taking me to 7.5mls... 16stone 9lbs (233)

Wendy gave me a 0.5ml fill taking me to 7.5mls, but as she went to take the needle out the syringe snapped and I lost a teeny bit of fluid from the band. It didn't seem much but I didn't notice any significance after this fill so I went back within the 2 week window and got a top up for free (still cost £30 in petrol though grrr) hence:

2nd February 2009 - find only have 7mls in band (last fill lost down tummy.) 0.5ml in taking me to 7.5mls for real. 16stone 6lbs (230)

The 3 pound loss in 2 weeks was due to general dieting but after this fill I felt quite a dramatic reaction and noticed the difference in restriction. What do I do? I don't work with it, and end up eating something stupid which irritates my stomach so much it wont resolve - can't drink let alone eat - so I find myself going for an emergency un-fill 2 weeks later:

14th February (Ironically my 2 YEAR BAND-IVERSARY) 0.7ml un-fill taking me to 6.8ml. 16stone 4 (228)

So I now had less in my band than I did in October. These 3 trips to London severely damaged the wallet. January was payable, the top up was free, the un-fill was payable and 3 trips to London = £90 too.

So I spent £300 getting to be Less Restricted, less filled with 0.2mls less in my band than I had in October. Why? Because I didn't follow the rules and think about what I was doing.

Anyhow, I simply couldn't afford to go back again for a few months because of these 3 trips and I had to just deal with limited restriction. For me its not just a case of Money, but also time, and pain. Each fill hurts like someone has knifed me, and with 3 weeks on the trot of stabbings - I was in need of a break. A long break. I don't like having fills because of these factors, and put them off because of this.

Then in June I finally scraped both enough money and willpower to go back. Because of having limited restriction and leaving it a few months I had also re-gained all the weight lost meantime and was back to 17 stone 1 (239) - an 11 pound weight hike.

22nd June 2009 - 0.2 ml Fill taking me back to 7mls in my band. Weight 17st 1lb (239).

I rejoined Slimmingworld at this point too and decided I would stop eating when I was full and try a little harder to do this thing. However, the fill still wasn't enough... I still had the same amount as I had back in October when it wasn't enough then. I had lots of things going on, and a summer holiday to get through (8 week cash famine), so again it was a while until I could rake the resources and time to go back:

21st September 2009 - 0.5ml Fill taking me to 7.5mls. Weight 16 st 13lbs (237).

So here I am at the 7.5mls mark again. This is where I hit panic back in February, but this is the time I am going to make it work. In a year I have messed around at the same fill levels, and the same weight... but I am 5 pounds heavier now than I was on October 5th 2008. I am determined to weigh less this October 5th.

I will NOT mess this up again and I am going to play by the rules. Its amazing keeping this blog to see over time how fills react and what is too low, what is going to keep you roughly the same and what is going to help you lose.

For me, anything lower than 7mls means I gain. 7mls means I keep roughly the same, so 7.5mls will be in the region I want to be. If necessary, and I find that I struggle with food, I could have a weeny bit out, but I am going for this now. Next October I want to be significantly less and working this band to kingdom come.

I dug out my post surgery diet and I might give it a go and see what happens. Certainly after I had my initial surgery, I lost a lot of weight before it breaking, and I was following it. So hey, why not give it another crack. Something in me feels like 'this is it' like I have hit the big time and we are cooking on gas.

When I was a youngster

The top photo was taken when I was 16, the next was my taken 2 years later during my 18th birthday party. I was about 11 stone 4.

I have never thought about this before.

2 years on from the bottom photo, on my 20th Birthday in 1996, I broke my knee cap. I was put in a splint for 7 months. Breaking my knee put my body in shock and brought on Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. I was 12 and a half stone when I broke my knee and started to put on weight. I was engaged to DH and we were getting married 11 months later. On crutches the week after the break, I bought my 'to die for' wedding dress - £450 in half price sale - it was a size 24 and I was a 12. I remember the assistant completely assuring me that taking it in and altering it would be absolutely no problem at all.

We got married on 30th August 1997 - I was 20 and he was 26. I weighed 17 stone 11lbs (249lbs). I had put on 5 and a 4lbs(74lbs) in under a year. I remember crash dieting for 4 weeks to get into my size 24 wedding dress. I remember my horror that at the time I bought my dress, I didn't want a veil... now I was getting married without a veil or anything to hide my bulk.

I also remember this photo of me back in May 2007, before the band broke, wearing my wedding dress again for the first time in a few years. I was so happy that it fit again.

I am going to get that dress loose enough to swim in and then I am going to have it altered to the size it should have been altered to back in 1997 (or less!), and then I am going to wear it again on our next wedding anniversary.

Church of the Evangelical Lapbander

I am feeling exceptionally and uncontrolably devout about my lap band. I just feel so exhilarated and pleased, excited and peaceful all at the same time. This all has to do with the band and my perception of it. It's taken me a while to process the last 3 or 4 weeks. I went to Slimmingworld to weigh in after having a massive 12th Wedding Anniversary Party with a Bollywood theme. My wonderful friend Rhuta helped me cook Butter Chicken, Vindaloo, Chole, Dhal and dips, popadums etc for 40 people and we had a blast. Loads of people dressed up in Saree's and it was a colourful event.



I stayed the same weight that week. I didn't know how that was possible, but put it down to one of those things and ran with it.

Then as our Anniversary present to each other we went off on holiday to Crete. On returning I had ONLY put on 2 teeny weeny pounds. I was surprised to be fair, but also very very chuffed because I had tried hard to make healthy choices and eat 'band-wise'. Why did I try to do this? I have thought about it, and I think the reason I chose to eat this way was not actually because I was thinking 'weight loss' but primarily because I didn't want to keep rushing to the toilet to puke. I also didn't want to get a band swell in the heat and not be able to drink. I guess to a lesser degree I didn't really want to come back with too much baggage to lose, but kind of thought I would anyway - I usually do don't I.

So when I found only 2 pounds came back, I was so thrilled - shocked -pleased - proud - inspired - add infinite synonyms

Then to spend this week being pretty darn ill, but managing not only to eat pretty much OK, save the ocasional Ben & Jerry's, get a 0.5ml fill WITHOUT port pain afterwards, keep an eating record AND LOSE 6.5 POUNDS made me also so happy and proud of myself that I am managing to get things together now. I am wondering if maybe this fill #13 is THE ONE. I am wondering - could fill #12 actually have been the teetering edge of the lapband pool of bliss?

So as recommended by my lovely Wendy, 3 days of fluids helps the pouch shrink back down and get ready for the next phase of weight loss. She was confident that I could easily lose 2 stone by Xmas. Well, I have never been able to stick to the liquids after a fill for more than a day. Never. Ever. Ever. I try, but hunger and also inquisitiveness get the better of me. I normally end up being quite sick after a fill just because I am still trying to eat the same quantities or textures prior to that fill, and just do not adjust myself to the new restriction. I guess I want to test it out, then forget I am testing, and get stressed by not being able to eat and end up in the vicious cycle of eating/puking/self hate/eat/puke/loathe etc.

Well, today is my 3rd day on liquids. Its 12pm and I am not hungry. I have had my coffee and a slimfast and am quite content. Yesterday I had 4 slimfast, some gravy from the stew I made for the family and some custard and watery stewed apple. No lumps, bumps and all the consistency of soup. FULL.

Yesterday I spent almost entirely on the computer. Why? because I was researching Protein shakes. It has come to my attention that most bandits use protein shakes in some way. A lot use them as Meal Replacements for breakfast and lunch and I got to wondering. I have never used Protein powder or shakes whilst on the band. I have had slimfast after initial surgery, but not as a regular thing. I would much rather eat something else. Why haven't I done this? I honestly don't know. Could this be the key to success? Obviously in the UK slimfast or Tesco's own version are the most readily available. Everything else looks like Bodybuilding stuff that instantly makes me steer clear because I want to LOSE weight not turn into the Hulk... Well, I didn't realise several things.

Bodybuilders or Fat strippers (people who want to strip fat, not fat stripers!) use protein shakes IN EXCESS of their normal meals.

Slimfast is low fat (1g), high carb (46g) LOW PROTEIN - it has 35g of SUGAR in every 8oz shake and only 7g of protein.

Interesting. So I did a bit of digging. Now, Slimfast is about £5 a tin give or take where you buy it and the offers the store has etc. These other scary pots with muscle men on them are more expensive. But slimfast means ingesting 70g of sugar a day if you only have 2 shakes! I had 4 yesterday thats HORRENDOUS. I don't fancy a dose of diabetes thrown into my mixture thanks.

I think the most expensive I found was MET-RX. Its a bigger shake at 11 ounces, has 170 cals, 2.5g of fat, 20g Carbs of which 8g are sugar, and 20g of protein. The cheapest place to buy this was eBay for about £1 a shake but you have to buy such VAST quantities like 60 sachets for £60. Frankly I am not prepared to do that and find it tastes gross. Also 60 of the same flavour will be hard going man.

But I dug a bit further and came across other varieties. Some were really high in Protein but had no vitamins or minerals and not suitable as MRP's or too low in calories to be equal to a meal so also not suitable.

I came across another generic Protein shake on ebay but I have to say the packaging put me off. It looked a bit cheesy and rubbish - very basic and like a cheap supplement that costs you a fortune, taste crap and doesn't work... It reminded me of the time I bought Crushed Shrimp Shell Tablets or some horror for about £40 "Shed weight or your money back". You read the blurb, get hypnotised (i am sure that's what it does) and hand over your card, wait for 6 months for it to arrive and open it to find a plastic tub with "pills" stamped on it like a home made potion. This protein powder, if it is ever going to get off the ground and be bought, will need a packaging makeover. It also didn't have any nutrition information on the page, so I emailed the person selling it. He obviously doesn't know much as he sent this back:

Per 100g powder: Energy - 348cals, protein - 42g, carbs - 42g, Fat 3g.

That was all. I had explained that I needed an in depth nutritional analysis, but that's all I got. Not even a hello or thanks for asking. Its called MEALtime. So how much of it is sugar, I don't know. How many calories are in each shake I don't know as he's just put the Nutrition info for 100g of powder not how much per serving. Not useful. Usually there is 50g of powder to each shake, but sometimes less. So its impossible to know if this stuff is good or not, but it was tempting as it was only £13.99 a pot. But something I hadn't noticed is that there is no quantity on this listing either. I hadn't noticed that before. So you could be paying £14 for 100g, 500g or 4kg... who knows. So because its a bit too vague and smacks of quack... I didn't go for it.

As a little aside, it just goes to show how we make decisions about things doesn't it. Because the packaging was crud, I didn't like the look of it. I didn't actually think that I was swayed by this sort of thing. But then again, I didn't buy any protein powder before now because the packaging was scary with muscle men/women on all looking fierce. Hmmm interesting.

I went with USN Diet Fuel. Wow, what a title. I looked into this box of tricks and its by far the best nutrient ratio for keeping a bandit 1.) FULL 2.)Vitamin rich 3.) Energised 4.)Low fat/low carb/high protein and also doesn't rob you blind.

Per serving (50g) It has 180 calories, 25g of protein, 15 grams of total carbs and 1.5g of fat and also 5g dietary fibre which a lot of the others are low on. It also has a full spectrum of Vitamins and minerals. Comes in Chocolate, Strawberry and Vanilla and you can have 2 or 3 servings every day and its £17 for 1kg = 20 meals. That makes it about 85p per shake, or just about double the price of slimfast.

DH is still going to stick with Slimfast as he is completely happy on it, losing weight and able to control himself - the swine! I need something better and that will hopefully keep me topped up with protein as I am not a great meat or fish eater.

So that was yesterday. I am off to Tesco now to get a couple of shakes to see me through until my delivery comes tomorrow. I am really happy with myself and in a great place to have a good go at this. I feel that the window of opportunity has actually opened and I might be on track to finding my weightloss expedition at an end.

Hey hey feeling great!

Well, lots to report. Firstly, over the swine flu... well just about. Feel a bit fuggy around the face area and have intense nose peel from so much snout wiping (pun intended - so you need to laugh now!!), but other than that back to 98% health. Secondly I went to Londinium yesterday to the lovely Wendy and got 0.5ml put in my band. According to the scales there I have lost 5 pounds of muscle since June and gained 8 pounds of fat. Now that ain't good, but the fill has made a difference. For once I am NOT struggling to just keep on fluids. Normally I am ravenous and hope that slimfast will take the strain, but I invariably give out after a few hours and start tucking in. Well it took me about 30 minutes to drink my coffee and have a slimfast yesterday evening. Seeing as I had only had coffee and 1 slimfast ALL DAY yesterday, I did drink another slimfast and berocca just to get something into me before bed. Lastly, this morning was slimmingworld, and TB and I trudged off to the weighbridge. I nearly feel off the scales. I have lost 6 and a half pounds in a week! Thank you swine flu!!! I just hope I don't pile it on this week. I must admit that I am feeling very positive. During 'class' I had a coffee and I was full. I am having lunch now (slimfast) and a coffee and I am not hungry, but I must drink it so that I don't go getting hungry later. I need to make sure my body doesn't go strange on me, especially as have just got over the flu. But, I have restriction. I can tell when I have drunk something, and, although there will be swelling from the fill, I think it will make a significant difference to my portion sizes after coming off fluids. I am going to even give myself a little jolt and half my portion sizes and see how it goes.

So I am feeling hunky dory and positive about my band. If the band can help me control my portions, keep me from hunger and I follow slimmingworld's plan I cant help but shed fat by the bucket load. I am ready for this. BIG TIME.

Swine Flu...

Got it.

Bugger.

Don't I look pretty? Swollen glands have puffed my neck up a treat and my sore weeping eyes look like a 60yr olds, not to mention the flushed manky skin...

If you can possibly imagine, I actually feel worse than I look! I Feel like death. Can only eat mush and Ben & Jerry's Phish food. HEE HEE HEEEE.

No really... I feel like the goo at the bottom of the deepest darkest prehistoric swamp pit.

Bleughhhhhhhhh

A.. Ah... Ahhh...CHOOOOOOO!

Sorry, just sneezed.

Ok food consumption NOT good this week. Have ingested vast quantities of ice creams, soup and milk. The scales are suprisingly positive, but lets not jump the gun.

sore throat, cold, headache, body ache, sweating, jaw and chronic ear ache, mouth that tastes of old pants... not great, not to mention I feel sick and have the squits too. YAY

love you all
xx

Back to Blighty

The holiday was amazing. Very relaxing and very hot. Got exceedingly tanned and did brave a bikini - not because have an awesome beach bod (yet!) but simply because us fatties are never alone on the beach - there is always someone rougher than you... so what the heck. Its much easier to go to the bog in a 2 piece as well. I hate peeling of a cold wet clammy swimsuit and bearing myself - even in a cubicle - but worst is getting the darn thing back on. It rucks up and feels horrible and I am NEVER doing that again.

Also, I am most amazingly proud of myself. I ate well in Crete and I shall give you a little snap shot of the food I ate in a bit. How much do you think I brought back with me from my holiday this year?

2006 12lbs

2007 7lbs

2008 5lbs

2009 ........ JUST 2 TINY POUNDS

That's just so awesome.. and to be honest... I doubt it is that much because I got the painters in on Sunday! So yesterday when I went to the weighbridge, I was feeling bloated and in full hormonal swing and had only gained 2 pounds after a 2 weeks ALL INCLUSIVE holiday in the sun!

How did I do it? Well I did actually kept thinking about what I was eating whilst I was on holiday. I didn't want to be back to 18 stone or anything horrific like that, so although everything was obviously cooked by them and I had no idea what was in the food, I was crafty. MWAHH HAA HAA

For breakfast each day I had 2 coffees, followed by Greek Yoghurt with sliced tinned peaches followed by about 10 olives. Occasionally I had a slice of bread and butter with a slice of cheese.

For lunch I always made myself drink a coffee and a glass of juice and then got myself a large salad with lettuce, olives, onion, cabbage, carrot, tomato, cucumber and Tsatsiki or some other creamy looking yoghurt based dip stuff. I always had french dressing or oil and vinegar. Then I would go back for main course. This was usually vegetarian, although I eat meat, but I just liked the veggie stuff. So could be a stuffed tomato or moussaka or whatever... but because of the large salad, meant I only had a very small portion.

Dinner was exactly the same as lunch, bu instead of having to drink coffee to warm my band up, I had the soup of the day. It was usually a watery clear style soup as opposed to a thick chunky one so this was great for getting things going.

Over the course of the 2 weeks I had puddings 3 times. Each time I had pudding I had Baklava. I only had it three times as they only did it twice in the hotel restaurant, and I chose it on our anniversary meal out too. I didn't fancy the mouse or cakes, and I don't particularly like ice cream so had that once simply to cool off. Had fresh fruit a couple of times I suppose.

Drink wise... they had wine and beer on tap (+spirits but we don't do them) and the wine was Ok, but a bit too 'home brew' for me, so although I did drink while I was away it was mostly beer... a couple of small glasses a day and then soft drinks and water.

TB asked if I had done a lot of swimming to counteract it, and the straight answer is no. I did get in the pool, but the kiddies one so that I could sit on the side and cool down, but read my book. I submerged myself once in the sea and swam about 1km around the point whilst snorkeling, but that was the only time.

So am very proud of myself, and am back on plan. I really want to use this band to help me, and its such a hard thing for me to get my head around. I doesn't seem to work with me as it does with other people. I can eat an awful lot of food, but what happens is that I never get hungry between meals, and I think as long as I make that connection and keep to strict three meals a day I will lose it. It has to be healthy eating too otherwise that doesn't work either.

I have bought some Black Cohosh tablets as these are supposed to help balance hormone shifts, and this is my dangerous patch. I feel really hormonal right now, and had a rash of spots that threw themselves over my lovely tanned face the moment we got back letting me know the curse was imminent. I hate that. When you are in your 30's you think this rubbish should be over by now. They spots have just cleared up by the time the next wave hits which is exceedingly depressing.

So black cohosh... lets hope you work.