Gunwales

Roll on Sunday when we can eat it all!

Desert Canape's

Worked out what I am going to do for the desert canapes... I am going to make a kind of weird chocolate truffle. actually its probably more like a soft crunchy chocolate ball covered in chocolate vermicelli rather than a truffle, but it will do the job. I am not going to bother making different types, but the one will be fine I think. I will make one with digestive biscuits, butter and plain chocolate and the other with dessicated coconut and white chocolate and butter. I have to try this out first (what a shame) and see it it holds together and stuff, but I think they will be ok. I bought 100 petit four cases and I will pop them in those on platters. Should be nice.

I also bought some cocktail sausages and bacon to wrap them in, which I thought might be good too and also some chicken tikka pieces.

So I have catered for meat eaters, vegetarians and coeliacs but could have a problem if there is a vegan in the house! LOL.

I am going to cook the falafel today too and freeze them. I think that's the best thing for those. I can't make it all up on Sunday otherwise I will stink of cooking and be shattered too. All I really want to do on Sunday is fill the vol-au-vents and put the stuff on the blini's and the pitta and that be it. So I think even the sausages are going to have to be done on Saturday evening, along with baking the vol-au-vent cases. Ho hum.

All this talk of food is making me hungry! Mind you, one look at Felix in he corner of my eye turns me off again. I think he is really going to struggle without his eyes. I mean today we got all the paraphernalia ready for his morning nursing care:

• warm salt water and gauze for the eye
• Iodine and cotton buds for the leg pins & stomach tube wound
• 10mls water with 1 antibiotic for initial flush of tubing
• 50mls of liquid cat feed
• 20mls of water with 4kg dose metacam pain relief for second flush
• 2 puppy training pads for below the vet bedding for when he wee's
• Clean vet bed liner

None of this worries me too much, and once you have it all laid out and prepared it goes ok. I mean it only took about half an hour this morning to do all this stuff. But what worries me is the toilet situation. The cage is too small for a little tray proper, so the vet said get a little baking tray and put some stuff in it so he can feel it. The trouble is he can't SEE it, let alone feel it, so he just goes to the toilet where he is laying. This morning after feeding and bathing his wounds and doing all his bits and bobs he has to have a little walk for 5 minutes and he just squatted and went for a poo. He didn't find a corner, or scratch. He just squatted and did it on the floor. I have ceramic floors throughout my home so its not a problem at all, but there was no normal cat behavior like scratching to clear a space, or scratching afterwards to cover. Maybe this will improve when he feels better and knows that he is back to normal. I am just worried that its because he is blind and stuff.

But, hey. Its not my problem in reality. He is Sue's cat, but I am the one who is here all day. If he is in the cage its no biggy, I just clean him up but when he is out of there and back in the land of 6 other cats and 2 dogs... hmmmm interesting. What happens if he just craps where he likes. I am going to have to clear all that up man. I don't mind too much, but its a bit of an ask. I suppose we will just have to suck it and see.

Yesterday I was really positive and stuff, but today I am back in the 'was this the right choice' camp. There is a LOT of work and nursing to be done - so much so that after it all I guess I will be a qualified Veterinary Nurse! HA! I just wonder that after doing so much for him, spending thousands of pounds on him and stuff, that he won't be able to cope being blind. I dunno. I guess I have to read up about it. I think I am more worried about how the other animals will be with him, because Sue will get angry with me and my animals because they are harassing Felix, when in fact its her problem and my house.

Apart from all that malarkey, eating is going well. Yesterday was a good day again and I was well within my calorie count for the day. I had 3 squares of chocolate, 1 harvest crunch bar for a snack and dinner was watercress, rocket and romaine lettuce salad with spicy grilled chicken breast pieces and sugar snap peas in a lemon and thyme dressing. I also had a big bowl or strawberries with a vanilla mullerlite yoghurt on top - as opposed the double cream that DS and Sue had on theirs! DH hates strawberries so he just had a yoghurt. He is doing well on Slimfast and has lost just over 14 pounds now since we returned from the Czech Republic on June 1st.

I am itching to weigh myself, but I am not going to. Even if I do and I have lost weight, on Sunday we have the recital with all that other food, so I might be tempted to eat a little bit and I would be annoyed that I lost and then put on in the same week, so I am going to just wait it out and see what Monday brings. Its only 3 days after all.

Looks like the weather has changed here. Its got fresher thank goodness, but also got darker outside as I have been writing this and I think we might get a load of rain. With that, I am off to check the rain situation and get the washing in.

Felix is home

We collected Felix from the vet today and he is chillin' in a nice big cage in my office. The other cats have come and had a sniff and amazingly he knew they were there. His Mum Mary sauntered right up to the cage and he got up and mewed! How do they know that their are others about, and who they are when she was silent and he is blind? Wow, their senses are strong. Anyway, he is settled and here is a picture of the poor little baby.

I am off to tesco's now to get a few bits for the canapes I am serving at the recital.

here's the menu:

Smoked Salmon and cream cheese Blini's

Garlic and Herb Olive's and Cream Cheese Blini's

Vol-au-vents with Egg Mayonaise

Vol-au-vents with Cheese and Onion

Vol-au-vents with Prawns in cocktail sauce

Falafel balls

Toasted Pitta pieces with Cream Cheese and Spicy Tomato Salsa

Red and White wine and also a lot of fruit flavoured water.

I was thinking of serving strawberrys dipped in chocolate for a sweet, but its a hassle. I cant think of any other kind of sweet canape to make. Any ideas?

Ramblings - sorry bit boring

I was going to blog yesterday but our Internet router was playing up last night. I have no idea why, but seems to be fine this morning. Maybe it just needed a rest like I do!



Well, beginning of the month again and i would love to say 'yippee payday' but our overdraft was so huge that we are about £25 in credit after both of us have been paid and all the bills accounted for. That is what I call rubbish. Mind you we use one of those Tesco Clubcard Plus accounts for our shopping, which means in reality all our petrol and food are paid for already, but it still feels crap to only have £25 spare cash.

The reason we are so skint? We booked 2 weeks in Crete for the end of August. Yay! But it meant that all our hard earned savings are gaaawwwnnnnn! I don't really mind going without a little bit though seeing as we have something ace to look forward to. It would be a bit pants to have no cash and nothing to look forward to, which is the normal state of play around this house!

So yeah, we are booked 2 weeks all inclusive in Crete and I am counting the days! Also it gives me a real incentive to lose the flab, as when we went to Malta last June I was 15 stone 7. It would be nice to be well on the way to that figure if possible. I have 8 weeks to do it, so lets rock!

We have our annual Piano Recital on Sunday too, so that's something nice to look forward to. I chose my dress about a month ago and it fit snugly, but comfortably, so seeing as I have shed about 9 pounds since then, it should fit brilliantly now. I pick it up on Friday and then have to take it back on Tuesday. Cost £80 to hire it, and I have paid £40 already, so that helps out. I have already accounted in this months bills for the other £40 so I don't need to worry about that either.

On the 16th We are going to go to Norwich camping for the weekend. Paid the deposit for that and accounted for the other £75 to pay the balance there too, and that is a relief.

There was so much to take into account this month that I nearly forgot about paying for Norwich. That could have been a bit painful, so just at the last minute I remembered to add that onto the sum total.

This months bills were £2265. Horrendous I think. Ok, I did have a few bits and bobs on there that wont be there next month, but that's a lot of cash. When you think that a lot of people just getting married will have similar bills, that doesn't leave a lot of space for enjoying themselves and having fun does it. When you consider this amount its easy to see why people argue about money and stuff. I wonder what kind of people these days would be able to get married, buy a house and have this type of bill package and then have their wife give up work to start a family. I doubt that's possible for most people these days. There is no way on earth DH ever earned near that amount even when he had a good job, let alone now. There has to be the 2 of us working or it would be curtains.

Our bills per month, just for the hell of it are thus:

Cost to run 5 bedroom house, village location, East of England, nothing special:

Mortgage (aka millstone).......................... £946
Council Tax................................................. £127
Life Insurance for Me and DH................... £88
Water Rates .................................................. £35
TV Licence .................................................... £12
Mobile Phone Me ......................................... £22
Mobile Phone DH ......................................... £22
Gas and Electric ...........................................£148
Sky TV ............................................................£20
Cinema passes x3.......................................... £40
Gas/electric/white goods homecare plan ..£40
Buildings and Contents Insurance............... £22
Broadband Internet....................................... £13
Landline Phone.............................................. £40
Car Insurance for Me and DH..................... £64
Loan from my Mum to buy a car................ £50
Dog Insurance................................................ £10
DVD rental........................................................ £4
Games Rental................................................... £8
Musicians Union Membership...................... £12
Food and Petrol (minimum!)....................... £450

Total ..............................................................£2173

Now, apart from the 3 Unlimited Cinema passes and a dvd and games rental there isn't anything on this list that isn't run of the mill and kind of a necessity. Ok, I guess you could argue that if really necessary we didn't need Sky TV, but that's only £20.

You can see why people think 'stuff it! lets run up a credit card and live a bit'. Its unusual if we ever have any spare cash, and pretty horrifying when you consider the above does not include Clothes, shoes, haircuts, school dinners, trips, decorating stuff or general things needed for the house day to day, entertainment etc. How on earth do people cope if they smoke? 20 fags a day would be about £40 a week... OUCH!

Sheesh.

Would be good to compare this with other countries, as I expect that there could be some significant differences.

We don't own credit cards anymore, but boy they are tempting hey! So easy to max one out, but the rest of your life paying it back. I could easily go out tomorrow and spend a couple of thousand on stuff, but with no spare cash ever, it would take the rest of the century to pay it back.

Credit cards are a wicked temptation for people and its horrible. Its so easy to get so far out of your depth that you have to shove 2 straws up your nostrils just to keep breathing a bit. We've been there, and it wasn't pretty. Everything is fine until 'life' deals you a bad card. Ours was job loss and half pay in the new one. Gulp.

The only thing that saved us was getting a couple of lodgers and that is all. It would have been the streets mate! I am glad we have lodgers though. It makes life a little interesting.


Talking of lodgers, Felix - Sue's cat - is coming home tomorrow after his ordeals. He is blind, has one leg with pins and a bar attached to it and a broken jaw, but he is getting better by the day. We will be feeding him with a tube that goes into his tummy, and keeping him in a big cage in the office until he has recuperated fully. Hes not out of the woods completely, but he is on the mend. We saw him yesterday and he looked very well.

Eating wise, well things have been going well. Yesterday I didn't have much. I had a square of chocolate in the morning, some peanuts for lunch and a mashed potato, tomato, jalepeno, frankfurter and cheese concoction that is FAB on slimmingworld diet that I made up. Its just 4 syns.

4 chopped frankfurters - 4 syns
mashed potato - I use instant
chopped tinned tomato
chopped jalepeno's
grated cheese allowance (54g half fat)

Its brilliant. Great for the band as its soft, but great on slimmingworld too.

Today, I had a smoked trout flaked on green salad, and it was yummy. So a syn free day again so far. I am going to do a beef stirfry for tea, and then enjoy a couple of glasses of red whilst watching Big Brother. Yay.

2 Pounds Removed From Me Carcass

Weighbridge went well. Considering the chocolate-a-thon, and having the painters in too - 2 pounds off has me well chuffed.

I came home and celebrated with a nice smoked salmon salad and the omnibus edition of Neighbours. I'm now off to sun my sleeker self in the garden and have a splash in the pool. 28 and a half degrees here in Sunny Cambridgeshire :o)

Roast dinner

Hi all. Today we had the pleasure of DH's Dad and his mistress for Sunday Luncheon. It is always a most unpleasant experience and today was no different.

I honestly don't get the bloke - as I have said many times before.

Today they drove up in their new Freelander and hopped down. He was wearing his usual Farah slacks and nylon shirt, but with a stunning belt accessory in a waterproof camouflage design with the logo 'sport style' emblazoned on the front in a crazy font for his blackberry to go in.

I want to vomit just recanting this diabolical tale of cringeworthyness.

Personally I think freelanders are fine. Nowt wrong with them. DH's Dad having one though is just hilarious. The is some white haired, pot bellied, jumped up, shoulder chipped, small penis'ed little man trying to make people think he is someone special. It's glaringly obvious he's never been to charm school as he has the social graces of a mute vole.

His mistress was nicely attired however, although it was a shame she forgot to wash her hair this year, and we scurried her into the house before the neighbours saw. No, I am kidding in a way because I seriously don't give a hoot what people think of us. We are bog standard brits living Bogstandardville. Infact it would be great for the neighbours to see the 'odd couple' and then we could all laugh at them. The reason I write this stuff about them is to make myself feel better for the way they hurt me, DS and DH every time we see them. Also it helps to emphasise that they REALLY have tickets on themselves (smothered in them) and they look like something the cat dragged in. People like them deserve to be picked apart; in fact, they are positively inviting it!

Anyway, Dad stands in the porch for 15 minutes because he is a social leper and it takes DH calling him over for him to join the party. Mistress has already roamed the house and gardens and looked me up and down 50 times by the time he has actually overcome his retarded embarrassment of being outside his own house/car/ comfort zone.

They brought with them their dog called Brandi. So Geoffrey and Brandi are happily licking each others bits on the lawn and I am cooking Lunch and making tea etc.

DS is excited about the up and coming piano recital that he will play in and wants to show Grandad... Grandad promptly ignores him. He does this kind of thing a lot. He ignores you and looks like he is trying to dream up something clever to say and then the moment is gone and it leaves an uncomfortable silence and him looking like a prick and DS upset and me wanting to ram his head through the wall behind him.

Then DS asks him to sponsor him. After reading through the sponsor form and picking holes in it and being stupid and being a complete prat about everything to do with everything, 2 hours later he makes a BIG HUGE show of giving DS and tenner for it.

He sits snorking and talking through his three rotting front teeth about how he is doing this with his 'company' (tin pot effort), and how they have to spend £1000000 pounds doing this and that and £1000000 was spent on this dinner or that event or some other complete rubbish. I must admit I wasn't taking much notice, but its always about how much money this has cost or whatever. At its always £100000000000000000000000000 if you know what I mean.

Then they TELL us about themselves and how wonderful they are and their neighbours and how funny they are and how their neighbours have a friend who has a dog who has a auntie who has a brother who built a house and its fabulous and amazing and has four double 'beeeeardroooms' (because he likes to say things wrong on purpose because he is a stupid C***) and thinks this is very impressive. Its so tragic because they are trying sooooooo hard to impress people all the time and actually they fail because the things they are trying to impress people with are just run of the mill anyway! Talk about small dick syndrome.

Then we hear about these people who he knows who are the head of some company or other, and the MD this, and the chief exec that, and how they are 'really nice guys'. I dont know why, but the bloke makes me CRINGE and want to eat my own ears off when he says this. 'They are really nice guys' with his stupid stumpy toothed little chuckle of self improtance to himself - *WRETCH*

Oh my days. I am just glad that DH feels exactly the same way.

Then we have a great tirade of abuse about their next door neighbour because he commits the crime of having 2 cars and a camper van on the drive. Apparently he will be emailing the owner of the house (its rented) and ask them to move them. Oh sweet mercy.

Thankfully. one of the things we didn't get today was some kind of lawsuit pending against someone. He absolutely loves talking about suing this person or that company or whatever for £1000000000000000000. Again it apparently sounds impressive. Ummm No.

Then I made them all sit at the table and called over "Dad, do you want parsnips" which he completely refused to answer until Mistress nudges him and he snorks and then goes "no fankyoo" in a weak pathetic dumb voice. (remember he doesn't talk properly, and snorks or sighs before every word he does get out. Hardcore)
so I serve up roast beef, roast potato, green beans and carrots with a lovely gravy and they all tuck in heartily. Then we had strawberrys and cream and the cream got passed around to everyone and then we realised he hadn't put some on his... he just passed the jug around. This was so he could pour ALL the rest of the cream on his food - the cheeky bastard. So no one got a little extra and there was none left for the cats or anything else that I might have wanted to do with it!

I picked up all the plates and the bloke never even muttered a thank you. Mistress can only talk about her daughter and how her daughter has this and that and the other and its always twice as big or bad as what you have or have done or... well you know what I mean.

They spoke nothing but bullshit for the whole afternoon and when we were waving them off with gritted teeth (hoping that he would scratch his precious penis extension of a freelander) we realised that he had not once asked us how our holiday was, told us how well DS played his piano piece, wish us luck for the recital, asked how DH's job was going, asked what Ds was up to with his home school or looked at any of his projects, commented on the garage conversion ( even though he went in there today with DS to see the dog - last time he came he completely ignored the fact that it was there) and he had ignored every subtle little subject leader that we brought up about our lives - DH running the badminton club, DS doing drama etc

They couldn't give less of a shit about us if they tried.

I wish I was one of those writers who could sum up a persons character completely and really get across how this guy is, but I can't. I know there must be a word for this type of wannabe old fart who is self centred to a fault and has to invent this make believe world of wealth which he simply cannot pull off because he is an ill bred peasant. The fact that he has to do this with his own SON though... that is the tragedy of it all. What kind of person cannot be themselves with their own offspring?

Sometimes I wonder how the hell DH popped out of his Mum and Dad, or even how his sister can be so completely different to him. Its like they got this special person that dropped out of the sky or was swapped at birth because DH is the complete antithesis of his father. Thank GOD!

Bandwise, well its being very good. I am eating everything still which is good but not needing to snack. I am finding that Slimmingworld, doing it properly this time around, is actually very easy. Its not like this for me without the band though, so long may things stay the way they are.

I had a slice of beef, some green beans, 2 roast potatoes and carrots with gravy today for dinner and strawberrys with a mullerlite on. Not cream as you all probably thought!! Naughty naughty!! No, I was a good girl and I had vanilla mullerlite on my strawberries and so my dinner was about 1 syn (for the gravy). All the potatoes and parsnips were roasted with fry light, so it was great. The extra easy diet is so easy its unreal.

I got the dreaded curse on Thursday, so I have no idea what that will do to my weigh this week. I am still hoping for a loss because if I gain I will be devastated. I will try hard to remember that if it is a gain, its just fluid retention. Its so hot too, that I am taking on a lot more water this week Its been so hot and muggy and yucky. I know I had that dodgy day where I ate the chocolates, but I have been so good the rest of the week that I think it will be fine.

So off to the weighbridge tomorrow am. Will keep you posted.

2 hours

Just done a long walk in 26 Degrees. We were out for 2 hours and walked roads, fields of grass, dirt tracks, linseed fields and country paths and allotments around the village. Been to places today I didn't know existed and saw how beautiful some of the places here are when the sun is shining.

Feel better for doing that and must have burned off a few of those naughty calories too.

Bad Girl

It was my Friend's daughters Prom yesterday, and I said that I would do her nails for her. She came over on Monday and I did her a flash set of pink and whites and they looked awesome. She gave me a bunch of pink roses which were gorgeous, and then

a

BIG

box

of

Cadbury's Heroes

They sat like a giant elephant on the piano all Monday, all Tuesday, and all yesterday and this morning I ran downstairs and grabbed them after DH went to work and sat in bed and stuffed half a box. I feel like a nasty little sneak and a horrible cow because I told DS that he couldn't have any and that I was going to give them away to someone as a pressie. Now he is eating the remains and then we are going to go out and have a really really REALLY long walk because I feel so bad and sick just thinking about my disgusting fatness and hopefully will lose some of those pointless calories I ingested. Anyone know how much walking burns?

Yesterday

I felt horrible yesterday.

At 2:30 we had a phone call from the RSPCA man. Sue's cat Felix had been run over and was badly injured. Now, it is Sue's cat, but it obviously lives here, was born here, and his parents are our pets. Felix is our cat too in that respect.

The poor animal had an eye hanging out of its socket, was pouring blood and couldn't walk. Sue has him insured as a result of not being insured this time last year when the dog savaged him and having to pay £700. The person who ran him over was apparently distraught, and sat with him for over an hour and a half waiting for the RSPCA man to turn up. They saved his little life, because they kept him still and warm.

RSPCA man took him to our Vets and Sue pulled her curlers out and bombed down after him. When she came home they had made a quick summary and said that he would lose the eye, was not responding to light with the other one and also had a fractured jaw. There could be internal injuries too, but they didn't know yet, put him on a drip and sedated him and calmed him down.

Later in the day they phoned Sue and said that he needed intensive care treatment and needed to be transferred to The Queen's Veterinary School, which is part of Cambridge University. I took her whilst she sat in the back with Felix and we booked him in. What a place. Its really state of the art and I guess he is in the best place possible.

So they anaesthetised him fully yesterday to do tests etc and the whole diagnosis is that he has very very badly broken his jaw and its in pieces. They wired it shut yesterday whilst he was under anaesthetic to keep him from damaging it further, and they will repair that with wire etc tomorrow (Thursday). He had his left eye removed yesterday too and the other is blind and not in particularly good shape, so they are going to monitor that and its possible they will remove that one tomorrow as well. His Left leg is shattered too. They will pin, repair and cast this tomorrow when they do the jaw.

Today he is having a break from surgery and resting under heavy sedation in preparation for the main surgery tomorrow.

Our cats are not insured, so they would have been put down. Felix is, so Sue is doing all she can to help him. I am not sure that I would have made the same decision, but its up to her. He will be a blind house cat which we shall all have to adapt to, so we shall have to see how that works out and how he does with his recovery.

If a Human was in a RTA and had multiple injuries, we wouldn't put them down, and I would rather be blind and alive than dead I think... but that's about the only way I can justify fixing him up. My heart would have made me put him out of his misery I think, but then the vet says that he isn't in pain and will hopefully make a full recovery... but is that true?

I don't know. I just feel so so so sorry for the person who ran him over. It turns out it was one of my very good friends who lives a couple of roads up. Out of all the cats it had to be Felix, and out of all the people it had to be my friend. At least I know why the person sat with them for 1 and a 1/2 hours now. She adores cats and is such a lovely caring person. I think she is more devastated about it than we are.

So rubbish Tuesday. I hadn't eaten anything all day due to the drama's and about 6pm I was struggling and needed sugar. I got a Fridge milkshake and some yogurt coated banana chips and some kiddies sweets. I was going to get a Chinese on the way home too but stopped myself. I had some left over chilli con carne that I made the other day instead and then a few fishfingers.

Not the best, but they way I as feeling I could have eaten chocolates, crisps and ice cream and pigged right out, but I didn't.

Back on track today and feeling much better as things seem to be looking up for little Felix.

The boys are at the cinema, and I am home alone having a chill out. Great stuff.

For lunch I made 1 slice toast with baked beans and a poached egg. I managed half of that and then had to admit defeat. My band is not great at eating early on, so will leave it until dinner now.

4 POUNDS GONE - Slimmer of the Week

I am pretty darn chuffed with myself.

Went to see Wendy yesterday at the Clinic in Harley Street, London. I had gained 11 pounds since seeing her last time. I was glad to be able to tell her that it would have been 18 POUNDS had I not been doing the Slimmingworld plan for the last 2 weeks. I jumped on the scales there and weighed in at 17 stone 1.5 so I knew I had lost about 3 and a half pounds this week as a sneak preview before today's official weigh in at slimmingworld.

We had a good chat about things. I told her that I do feel restriction, and that I can eat basically anything. I told her my concern over being able to eat too much, and that I thought the amount I was consuming was too large, and she asked me a couple of good questions back. Do I stop during the meal and think 'Am I full?'? Am I eating a wide variety of foods and mainly protein and vegetables? Do I snack when I don't need to?

I gleaned from our conversation that my band is doing its job well, I just need to open my ears more. I need to put less on my plate, and think during the meal about how I am feeling. Doing slimmingworld is now the thing I need to do to keep in control. I need the weekly weigh in and to follow some kind of advice.

So when I went today I decided to stay to class. I was really glad I did because I was slimmer of the week! I got my half stone award too, and all the fruit (not that much of it will pass my lips as I find fruit difficult to eat with all the skins... too much chewing needed!)

So this weeks loss was 4 pounds, taking me to 17 stone 1, and I have an extra 0.2ml in my band taking it to 7mls in total.

I am just about to have lunch - new potato and vegetables. I know that there should be protein in there, but I don't fancy it and I am having a roast tonight, so will make up for it then.

Rock on weightloss!

Cooltimez

Everything is going okey dokey. Fill booked for Sunday (21st June) so that will be good. diet going well, not had any blips or mess ups this week. I have definitely used my syns allowance each day though!! HA HA.

Thought I would show you a nice little lunch I prepared which was exceedingly tasty. Made the sauce from a teaspoon horseraddish sauce, juice from half a lemon, loads of dill and teaspoon of olive oil, teaspoon of sugar and water to thin. (oil and lemon makes a thick sauce) Its homemade so at least I can work out how many calories/syns are in it and it tasted yummy. My first option would have been to smother the salad with salad creme, or shop bought dill sauce, but that's too fattening in the quantities I like it!!

So, here is Smoked Salmon and Cream Cheese Salad. Yum.

Oh, and by the way, I ate ALL of this and pudding!

Today I had 2 poached eggs on a slice of dry toast, some plain noodles for lunch and just had chicken stir-fry for tea.

The poached eggs were a little bit 'out there'. I grabbed what I thought was celery salt from the spice draw and gave it a good shake, only to realise after the second shake that it was in fact ground cloves. Gulp. So, I wiped the excess off, leaving yellow eggs with minimal (but essentially loads of) ground cloves on them. I decided adding celery salt at this stage would be a bad idea, so what a surprise to find that it actually made them rather more palatable than just plain. It is probably not going to be a recurring event, but it was not unpleasant either and I finished them all up.

DS is visiting Granny this week. He went on Wednesday to stay the night. then we got a call... "can I stay another night?" Of course!! So its now Friday, and he is due back on Monday! Its extremely weird not having him about the place. Home schooling means that you have you child with you 24/7 and absolutely NO time to yourself. I honestly don't mind this, but it has been seriously nice to just get up when I want, do what I want, go shopping, have a coffee with a mate, go for a walk - in PEACE! Also little Geoffrey has gone with him, so that's even more of a break!

Our new lodger Charlotte moves in on 27th June too, so that will be nice. She is very young, just 19, but has been renting a flat in the village where we live. She seems to have her head screwed on because she decided to rent a room somewhere rather than continue with the lease because it was crippling her financially. She wants to go to Australia in 2010 so this way she can save loads of money to do that. Looking forward to her arrival.

Also, we just booked a beach holiday in Crete. I am Sooooo looking forward to that already! 4* all inclusive on the beach. Czech republic was fabulous, but it was a doing' holiday. this will be a complete 2 week slob out and book reading fest. Great.

Diet and fitness wise, I spent 37 minutes exercising today. I used the Wii Fit for about 4 sessions of hula hooping, and then a 3 minute jog on the spot. Then it unlocked Free Jogging, so I thought I would give it a go. I did a 10 minute jog - up and down the front room as jogging on the spot is killing - and ran 3k according to there guide. I don't know how accurate that is, but the 10 minutes is dead on! Then I did a 10 minute step thing and really flung my arms about. I was well proud of myself.

OK, I did it

I booked a fill.

Yesterday I ate a lot. I ate a half bag of ready prepared salad leaves with Salmon and beetroot and then followed it with a yoghurt... Now, that was a big salad. Actually I put the salad in the serving bowl and just kept it right in there and added dressing and 4 chopped beetroot and the piece of hot salmon and ate it right from the dish. It was a B I G salad.... but I finished it with a yoghurt.

Yesterday evening I did a BBQ. It was nearly raining... spots here and there, you know. So I cooked up 16 sausages, 6 quorn fillets, fried some onions and boiled some new potato's. DH, DS and Sue all had hot dogs in buns with new potatoes, and I PUT 3 quorn fillets on my plate and some new potatoes. I ate 2 of the fillets, DS nicked one and of the 3 that were left over - the cats pinched one of them. Later on at about 8:30 I finished off what was left of the potatoes and the fillets.

Ok, all of this food today was completely allowed on slimmingworld - Free food in fact - Salad, fish, potato, quorn, beetroot... but its not the kind of diet I envisaged after banding.

Thankfully I know there is nothing wrong with my band like there was last time. I still have 'restriction' to a degree, but to be honest maybe what I think restriction is... isn't!

I think of restriction being - 'I cant eat another bite or I will puke' so I will wait a bit and then eat some more. Well, this is the case if I eat too fast or don't chew. But maybe restriction really is 'I cant eat another bite because I am full'. This doesn't happen. I could happily continue eating until the cows come home. So considering that I am eating way too much, have been gaining weight steadily (unless doing a diet) its got to be time to see Wendy again.

Had a row with the National Insurance office today too. Honestly what is wrong with the world. I did my tax return the day the self assessment form came through, realised that I had paid NI all last year when actually I didn't need to because I was earning under the threshold. I wrote to them and asked for a refund. The was 6th April. I called about mid May asking if there was any news... "It gets sorted in the beginning of June" I was told. Ok. So I called back last Monday and they said the refund was issued 28th April for £89.70.

So, it DOESN'T get sorted the beginning of June, and also where the hell is my cheque then? That's over 5 weeks ago. She said "I will have to check the cheque has not been cashed, and then they will re-issue it."

I rang back today to see if there had been a problem and the chap said "Well it's not our department. It says it was issued, so .... bal bla bla" but as I was proper GRIEVED he gave me the number for another department who deal with issuing refunds.

She said "Oh, it looks like it was actioned but never issued. I will look into it. But the computers are off as of next week for a fortnight..."

What the hell???? Seriously man. Anyway, she did have the grace to ring me back and tell me that the cheque had in fact NOT been issued, so she had done it for me today, but it would STILL take about 2 weeks to get to me.

*sigh*

Right Hand meet Left Hand and get to know one another PLEASE!

But, hey when it does arrive, at least it will pay for my fill!!

3 and a half pounds

That's this weeks weightloss. When I do the diet, I lose weight. The band is kind of a side issue right now. I always thought that the band would mean that I would eat less, and lose weight gradually without having to do a diet as such. I don't mean 'eat anything' but just, you know... live.

Maybe that's not how the band will work for me. I have not been hungry doing slimmingworld this time, whereas I was always looking in the cupboards for stuff without the band, so maybe its just helping me follow the plan. I honestly don't know.

Tina thinks I should get a fill. I just don't know about that. If I eat too fast, I will throw. I have to take tiny bites, and swallow carefully and take my time. I feel food hit the band and I am careful at this point. After about 10 minutes I usually know that everything is going down well and towards the end of the plate of food I am usually eating semi normally. I kind of look like a fussy eater who's trying a new dish and then realise its ok and by the end and tucking in like the rest of the diners. I do put less food on my plate, but its still a large plate of food - or what I consider would be a large plate of food for a bandit.

If I have a fill, I know that I will have to be EVEN MORE careful at the beginning of a meal, and puke more because of it, whereas right now I am eating nicely, getting satisfied and not snacking...but its a lot of food.

I have NEVER eaten food and thought "I am now full" after a deck of cards sized portion. Not ever. My food doesn't seem to do that. Before surgery (over 2 years ago now remember!) I was shown the diagram of our 'new' pouch-like stomach and told that the food would go into that and we would be full when it was full, and then it would gradually kind of leak out the stoma and sustain us throughout the next hour or two as it passed through. Well, 2 mins into a dinner I feel my food hit the stoma and pass through and keep right on going throughout dinner. It has never filled my pouch and stayed there. The only time it ever did this was when it was sealed shut and I could not even drink water - remember that hell?

So my question is this... Does it REALLY do what it says on the tin? For me its a resounding "No". I don't really care if that which I was told is not really correct, but I would like to really know what goes on in there. I guess unless I sat and had a chicken salad under x-ray I am never going to know that though.

I am scared of having another fill purely for the reason of having that awful 'sealed shut' malarkey, and also that I will just end up puking all the time. Will I be able to cope a little tighter, and to be honest will it make any kind of difference at all???

Truly I ask, because I honestly don't know if it will make a difference. will it just mean I have to chew smaller and smaller pieces of food to further and further death and just go slower, but still eat the same amount or what. Because if that is the case, I seriously can do without spending £85 on that, and then £85 getting it un-done again!! People, this is hellish expensive for me, so should I not just stick with the status quo?

That said, if I really truly knew how things were going on inside there, it would help. Is it a case of the tighter you are, the more the food stays in there and you feel full. Now, I mean 'F U L L' and not 'backed-up'. I often feel like food is backing up and then I have to puke.

Maybe its like when I go slowly and then, my band seems to get up to speed and not worry about the food that is zooming past it - well maybe that doesn't happen. Maybe the food with not get quicker and then I will just find that even going slowly I start to feel satisfied.

Oh, I don't know if this even makes any sense or any of you even know what I mean, but when I read this back at least I do, so hopefully with whatever decision about a fill that I make, I will be able to read this back through and see if its all worth the effort.

And to Tina, babe, I so want to finish together and I wish you were here to kick my butt. In fact, it would be better to kick my brain as its misfiring big styleee.

Today, just for laughs, and as a gauge here are my stats:
millilitres in band... I and honestly a little confused but I think its about 7ish.
Weight at start of Weightloss-Expedition back in 2005 18 stone 12.5lbs (264lbs)
Weight at the start of banding February 2007: 18 stone (252lbs)
Weight right now: 17 stone 5 (243lbs)
Weight lost in total 21.5 lbs
Weight lost since banding(over 2 years ago) 7lbs

This makes me want to just hit something very very very hard and just bugger it all.

However, I am continuing with slimmingworld and we shall see what happens.
Today I have had Mexican Hot Smoked Salmon Salad:
Piece of hot smoked salmon with Mexican herbs, flaked up and dumped on half a bag of lettuce/leaves and 4 beetroot with salad dressing. Yum.
Tonight we are having a bbq and I am going to have quorn fillets marinaded in my own special marinade (apricot jam, Worcester sauce and soy sauce mix) and new potatoes. Free food.

Dunno

Feel like writing stuff. I ordered Sims 3 yesterday. I love the Sims, its a great way to occupy myself and forget about eating. I can spend hours lost in 'flow' and apparently its good for us to get into that zone now and again. Flow is awesome.
This is what flow is defined by:

1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible and goals are attainable and align appropriately with one's skill set and abilities). Moreover, the challenge level and skill level should both be high.

2. Concentrating and focusing, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).

3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.

4. Distorted sense of time, one's subjective experience of time is altered.

5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).

6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).

7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.

8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.

9. People become absorbed in their activity, and focus of awareness is narrowed down to the activity itself, action awareness merging.

Not all of these are needed for flow to be experienced. I guess other things that could induce flow would be stock exchange work on high market days, musical improvisations or playing, marathon running, although the rewards are not instant, but maybe stand-up comedy would do it too. There must be other types. People talk about being 'in the zone' - 'on the ball' - 'in the pipe' or even the phrase 'go with the flow'.

The Formula 1 driver Ayrton Senna, who during qualifying for the 1988 Monaco Grand Prix explained: "I was already on pole,...and I just kept going. Suddenly I was nearly two seconds faster than anybody else, including my team mate with the same car. And suddenly I realised that I was no longer driving the car consciously. I was driving it by a kind of instinct, only I was in a different dimension. It was like I was in a tunnel."

I love this feeling and I have never experienced it in any other form other than when I play Sims 1 or 2. I am not a gamer at all. In fact I would say that I positively dislike gaming as its such a waste of time, which completely contradicts the fact I love playing The Sims. I can honestly play it for hours and hours and have even once, cancelled my work for the day because I was 'in the zone' and it was too important for me to stop.

I wish that 'flow' could be something that being banded could induce, but I guess we cannot be that lucky. for instance its impossible to focus completely on weightloss, or get immediate feedback and it therefore be intrinsically rewarding. Also the level is high, all the time, and for me, always too hard! HA HA. But wouldn't it be great.

I would love to sit down one day, focus on fat busting and then get up after the session a stone lighter. That is my ultimate kind of game. If only.

I guess with the band its a case of trying not to make the goals too hard, or set the bar too high. I know that the band doesn't magically lose wight for me, as is completely self evident in the last 'punishing' year with my band. I have been punishing it for all kinds of things. I think I punished it for it going wrong. I punish it if I feel rubbish about myself. I push and push and push my band to see if it will break/quit on me. What on EARTH is the point in this?

Goodness only knows man. I don't know why I do it, but I do. I did. I might do again, but I hope not. I know I feel terrible that this time last year I was 15 and a half stone, and this year I am 2 stone heavier. Its my OWN doing though. Its not my bands fault.

I think I had false expectations. Until you have this little thing put in your guts, you don't know how it works. People talk about it. They talk about PB'ing. They talk about fills... People talk about having a baby, but you just DON'T know what its like until you've got the T shirt.

And even then its different for each person you meet. Actually having a baby is a really good example. Yeah, it is. I had DS 6 weeks early my Caesarian. I was proper ill with Full Blown Toxemia and been in hospital on and off for months. I was back in on the 4th January 99 and on the doctors rounds the next morning, they just decided that I would have the operation that afternoon. Just like that. Now, there might be a few people out there who this has happened too, but the majority of people having a baby go into labour of some kind. It either end up with them popping it out with/without drugs, or with C-section awake/asleep but just as they don't know what it feels like to just calmly wander down to the operating room and then be given a baby, I don't know what a Contraction feels like.

After this, all of us will have given birth, but we have all had completely different experiences. The end result is the same however. I guess we can apply this to our band-baby too.

The end result will be the same. It WILL. And however much I torture myself, I am not doing me or the band-baby any good. I have to get with the programme, but jeeez its hard.

Today every cell in my body is screaming at me. To be honest its screaming so loud I don't know what its saying, but I KNOW that its screaming about NOT being good and losing weight. It wants me to give up. I need distraction, and that's where the flow comes in. Its going to have to be a mammouth Sims 2 session, as Sims 3 ain't arrived yet! LOL

Oh, and the spell checker on blogger REALLY ticks me off. Why can't it spell check ENGLISH English rather than just American English. How hard would it be to offer BOTH spellings? I mean for goodness sake the blokes name was CAESAR nor CESAR!!!!!!!! so its a Caesarian. And its Mammouth not Mammoth. If your American, sorry dudes, I know its the reverse for you, but I reckon us Brits should have a spellchecker dictionary choice seeing as we invented the flaming language in the first place...

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Back on the wagon

Well, it's day 4 into my new slimmingworld regime.

When I got weighed on Monday it was horrible. The dreaded black monster said 17 stone 8.5 lbs.
That is practically back where I was in November 2007 when I had my band fixed. I was 17 stone 12 when I had it fixed, and I honestly thought I would never see the 17 stone zone again. Its pretty horrifying. I touched the horrifying zone just before I went to the Czech republic and weighed in a slimmingworld at 17 stone 0.5lbs so, just over the border, but to have the next weigh in put me firmly in that zone... GULP! its horrible. So, when you think that I was good for majority of the week I got home, who knows what the damage truly was!! I think it was likely to be about 11 pounds that I put on, and if I had gone to slimmingworld the day I came home I would have been proper horrified. So at least having a pretty good girl week when I came home got it back to about 8 pounds gain.

So this week I have been great. Before I went to the Czech rep, I organised a pamper evening for all my mates, and that was yesterday. Because I knew it was coming up I did several mature things. I decided to just drink water all day, but had my dinner in the evening just before the guests turned up so that I wouldn't be able to stuff too much down my throat. If I am full, I am not inclined to want to keep nibbling. I only also only bought snacks for the party that would be hard for me to eat - cocktail sausages and snack eggs, dorrito's and dip. This meant that I only had a couple of everything rather than chomping my way through a pile of crap on top of my dinner. Because I hadn't eaten all day, although not hungry, it meant that I 'saved' some calories to use up in the evening, so in my mind - even thought the things I did eat were not good - at least I didn't eat this stuff on top of my whole days food.

Then, something I am very proud of, I said goodbye to the last guests at about 1:30am and then cleaned up! I was so tired, and a little tipsy and just wanted my bed, but instead I got a big black bin liner and THREW away all the crisps left in packets, the dips, the half eaten box of chocolates and the last of the snack eggs and a few other bits people brought and poured half a bottle of plonk down the sink! I wiped up and put the dishwasher on and tidied the house and then went to bed at about 2:30am. This morning when I got up, hungry and wanting a nibble... I didn't have any of that stuff lying about saying "eat me". I was really pleased with myself for doing that.

Today I am back on Slimmingworld's plan as was my intention, and I have had a massive green salad with Tuna and mayo - the extra light variety. Its not very nice but makes it easier to eat so that I can enjoy it rather than just endure it. 100g of extra light mayo is only 3 Syns. That is a lot of mayonnaise and I only need 80g to make a whole tin of tuna mayo for me and DS, so even better. I also found a nice honey and mustard salad dressing that only has 8 Syns in the whole bottle, and don't know about you other bandsters, but having a sauce that's NOT loaded with calories and makes stuff a bit more easy to eat is a bonus. I must admit that I tended to stick to easy eat foods like curry and casserole, but we also have to eat regular stuff, so a bit of sauce of some kind helps a lot with this. The trouble is that the sauce is normally worse for you than the food! Sauce ideas always welcome people!!

I would rather have a little sauce or gravy with my meals and eat them that be permanently over the sink heaving my guts up and then feeling rubbish and eating chocolates... so I guess for me its what works.

I am really in a good place with my eating right now. I am completely nonplussed with the band at the moment - having no particular likes/dislikes with it, but I think doing slimmingworld is easier having it in because you have no cravings or hunger pangs. so maybe that is its saving grace. At the moment if asked whether I would do it again, I would have to say no, because for me its been a huge annoyance and mind-messer. I do wish I had had the guts to go with the bypass and throw in the extra couple of grand.

However, who knows how I will feel about the band in a month of two... A couple of moths back I was ready to do my own band self-removal...

We shall see. I am happy with slimmingworld right now and hopefully the band will just aid that. At least it makes me chew well and avoid bread/doughnuts/muffins etc.

I am very annoyed with myself for letting things get out of control and not sticking to a plan of some kind. Its down to me at the end of the day.

Back to Blighty

Our Czech trip was great once again, and I will be going back! Its such a nice place, and so friendly.

Food wise, I ate loads. I must admit to 'using' their version of Tatar sauce, which is like a sweet tartar sauce tasting creamy mayonnaise. Hellman's actually make the stuff, but I have never seen it over here. I love it. They eat it with chips rather than fish. I just ate it with everything, hence the weight gain!! LOL. However, I don't exactly know how much weight was gained as I missed the weigh in on Monday as I was still stuffing myself in Czech Rep! I reckon at least 7 pounds, if not more!!

The food was relatively easy for a bandster... well for me anyway. I seem to e a bit unusual to other bandsters so many of you might think its truly unbelievable that I could eat it, or some not... i don't know. You will have to tell me.

Most days I had Yoghurt with honey for breakfast, followed by pate and butter thickly sliced on a dry caraway seed bread. That's right, sliced butter. Don't. Just Don't. It was heaven, but it was a heaven eaten very slowly. Often times I added in some salami too, or cheese, but mainly I stuck to pate.

Lunch was pretty much the same as dinner, a piece of chicken variously cooked, but normally in a hammered steak style, fried, with some kind of sauce. Often topped with cabbage/cream mixture and always roasted potato - basically deep fried boiled potatoes. They call these American Potato's. Hmmm All washed down with lashings of Cervene Vino (red wine!) and Tartaska - the yummy most delicious Tatar sauce on earth.

Obviously there were puddings too. various including the obvious ice cream and stuff, but I also managed some Svestkove Knedliky - a kind of plum dumpling pudding with strange crunchy topping with cream. Yummy.

If I ate too fast I knew I would be in trouble. I was sick just 1 time in the whole holiday and that was because I had allowed myself to get starving hungry. I find that if I am very very hungry or thirsty I have trouble drinking, let alone eating, so I have to 'work' the band into shape a bit to get it going.

I have been back on Slimmingworld's diet since my return, so hopefully on Monday I should be nearing the weight that I was when I left. I hope anyway!!

And don't worry, I am still on my mission to find out what is going on with Slimmingworlds confidentiality agreements... Watch this space.

night night peeps

Little help from NLP

Today I went to see a lady for NLP therapy. I needed to address the trust problems I have with my band, and also the need to completely sabotage my weightloss. It was good. I was not sure if I was under or not, but actually I must have been because although I heard every word that she said, I thought I was under about 10 minutes and it was an hour and a half. The poor woman was horse. I also have a tape of it too, so that will help me in the next few days. I feel good and positive, in myself, if a little dubious about the treatment. I guess that everyone must feel that way. This was a total suggestive therapy and I didn't talk at all. During the session I wrote my ideal weight and size on a board and visualised myself that way. I wrote 12 stone. I thought that was odd because I normally think of 11 stone as being my goal, but maybe I am being unrealistic with that. So apparently my body will want to level itself at 12 stone for the rest of my life. Considering she says this is a 1 time session and I will not need another session - it will work - I should be thrilled and seeing results soon. However, I do get that horrible little thing at the back of my mind that thinks "why isn't everyone doing this then..?"

Hopefully its just the cynic in me. Who knows, we shall see.

It was £30 by the way and her name is Joy - ironic considering the slimmingworld pig's name was Joy too...

On that note, I rejoined Slimmingworld, as I said I would, with Georgina's class on a Monday morning. I weighed in at a hefty 17 stone and half a pound. I wont be able to go to the class this Monday because its a bank holiday and although its been re-scheduled for Tuesday, that's the day we go to the Czech republic. We come back the following Monday, so its going to be 3 weeks before I get a weigh in. I think this will be a good test of the NLP and also my willpower.

Something strange happened at slimmingworld this week too. You go to a stand to get weighed and the lady writes down your weight in your book and as she was doing this she asked "Have you had the lap band removed now then?"....

I haven't told anyone apart from he consultant that I have a lapband at slimmingworld. Consider the sniggers... "had a lapband but getting fatter!" "paid all that money but its not working is it! Still has to come here!" NO! There is no way I was going to tell any of the hoi-pol-oi at slimmingworld about my band, EVER.

So how did this woman know?

HOW DARE THEY TELL THAT?

Those who have been reading this blog for a long time will remember the trouble I had at Slimmingworld PIG Joy's class when someone came up to me and asked me if I had a band when even JOY should not have known (since I didn't tell her!!!). Talk about no confidentiality at all. I am so upset about it, but I am biding my time as I need to find out where this little woman heard that I had a band, and how many other people know. When she tells me that it was Georgina (as that's the ONLY person there who knows about it and should have held that information in the strictest of confidence as the consultant being paid by slimmingworld), then I will plan what to do.

I am NOT having that.

Hey hey on the way

Ok, had a few good days. I have sworn off the evil drink (boo hoo) as I know that's just liquid calories, all be it nice liquid calories!! Haven't had any sick making incidents, and have had evening meals and even a couple of lunches without a problem. They haven't bee the best of choices however, but still better than snacking and junk.
I have had sausage and chips, curry, fish fingers, chicken Kiev and a few other things that aren't fabulous diet wise, but no junk and no wine. Will weigh myself again on Monday and see where we are at.

I am also going back to slimmingworld as I like the weekly weigh in and it helps keep my mind focused on weight loss. Then on Wednesday evening I am going for an NLP session with a local lady who is excellent. I need to get over my fear of the band going wrong. I think my block is psychological, and I think it needs to be something deeper that counselling or similar, and I need it fixed fast.

Tonights tea is Shepherds Pie & Peas. strictly this is cottage pie as I am making it with Beef, not lamb but I gre up with it being called sheperds pie, so thats what I call it now. I think real shepherds pie is gross and minced lamb disgusting. Its way too fatty, even for me!

Tuesday our Romanian Truck driver lodger Stefan left the establishment. It was with a huge sigh of relief as he really did make us worried. He came back one night absolutely paralytic - and had driven over 20 miles to get back home. He could hardly stand. I reported him to the police and told them he didn't have insurance either (he told me that!) and the next night he didn't come home.

I did have thoughts that he'd been nicked, but then his friend brought him home to collect a few bits for a trip to London. He came back that evening, and the next day a friend came and picked him up for work. The same friend brought him home again and then turned up again the following morning to take Stefan to London again. It was when he came home that evening (Tuesday) and said he was moving to London and his friend was there to help him move his stuff that I put 2 and 2 together. 3 days I hadn't seen the car, and now he was off to London! His car had obviously been written off or taken by the police and now he was off. Whatever, he is out of here. I don't want people like that running around my house.

Right, off to have my hair cut.

Drastic

Peeps, its time to bulk buy slimfast.

I just cant do this.

Typical day (foodwise) for me ATM:

Coffee x 5
crisps
coleslaw
main evening dinner (too large for a bandit)
pudding
wine
crisps and junk
muller corners

Its a cycle. Hate self.

I am going to do what I should have done when we started this journey - slimfast for 2 weeks prior to the operation.

Now, I have to say that I was NEVER told to go on a diet before the operation. I phoned and was booked my surgery 3 weeks later, and basically ate like a hog for those 3 weeks. If they had told me I needed to do slimfast from that moment on, I would have done it. I was in the zone and ready to commit. After being in band land for the last 2 and a half years I now know that the vast majority of band patients are on 'optifast' or slimfast for several weeks prior so at to shrink their liver and prepare for the surgery with nutrients.

So, I think I need to go back and do this again in my head. I am going to do slimfast for 2 weeks and hopefully kick start some weight loss, get myself feeling better in that regard (no weight loss = comfort eating = weight gain = comfort eating = weight gain... ad infinitum) and then hopefully break this habit of self destruction.

I am re taking my oaths that I decided on pre surgery - no crap food.

I don't feel good. I don't feel healthy. I don't wake refreshed. I feel rubbish, sluggish, lethargic and sticky on the inside.

Once I have got my stuff together in my head, purged my body of toxins and rubbish food, I am going to re assess the situation and see if I can get this thing to work for me.

Life news... well not a lot. 2 kittens have gone to their new homes, so that means less blood loss from kitten inflicted leg lacerations, of which there are numerous.

Geoffrey had his second set of injections today and also a microchip with which he howled like billio! WOW, he really didn't like that at all. such a big needle for such a small doggy. But its all done now and I feel better about it. It was good because I had 27 tablets left from the kittens medication that I could get a refund for, so it offset the price meaning chipping only came to £5. Nice.

Can't wait to take him out for a walk.

Going back to basics

Ok darlings, Bunny's going back to basics.

Its simply out of frustration at not being able to eat jack that has got me into this state.

I truly didn't know that people out there in band land drink-eat their breakfasts and often lunches and its made me feel a lot better knowing that fact.

So as of today I am going to try and turn over a new leaf and deal with the eating situation as it is. I cant afford to change it (i.e. get all the fluid out for a cool £100), and its only making me the most miserable beeyatch I know fighting the band to armageddon and back.

The only other option is to go with it.

So today I had a coffee for brekkie, and some chicken noodle soup for lunch. I like chicken noodle soup because I can drink the liquidy part and get the band eased a bit so that the noodles slip down in there too. I think I will make pasta puttanesca tonight - who would call a sauce Prostitute sauce...

No seriously thinking about it, only the prossies would know the recipe right? So if my husband came home and said "Hey darling, why not try putting tomato, capers, red peppers and lemon - hey throw in some tuna to the pasta tonight hey?" I would ask him where he got the recipe... "Oh, you know some prostitutes made it for me whilst I was at the whore house getting my rocks off you know". Yeah of COURSE he would say that!! To be honest I would wonder that any Italian man in 1600 would come back with a recipe for anything. I am sure its just been glamorised. It's probably 'housewife sauce' in all reality. I cant see that the prostitutes would have any 'different' ingredients to the general population. So seriously - how DID that name get into common circulation. I am pretty sure that no-one would have promoted it as that. I even did wikipedia on it and I don't believe it at all.

My finger is still splinted. Its still killing me, and I hate the gravel drive more now than I even did. It has got to be block-paved to within an inch of its life. You know it didn't even apologise for tripping me up!! How very dare it.

I have kitties are climbing up my legs right now. They certainly got over their nasty toxoplasmosis thing. Poor little babies! If I hadn't taken them to the vets they would have died. Apparently there are so many kittens born with it that they are called 'fading kittens' and apparently a lot of people just think they were not born right, or defective and aren't going to survive and have them put down. So sad that it isn't widely known. For the sake of 2 weeks antibiotics all 4 are perfect again.

We also picked up our little puppy Geoffrey yesterday and he is adorable.
I will post a photo of him on here when I get the card thingy out.

So, I'm hanging in there. Thanks for all your messages. And Tina... I am holding you to that drink! ;o)

Lovely

Hi there people,
Thanks for all your support. I guess I cant just put a statement on this blog and not explain :o)

Yeah, at the moment me and the band are not friends. I don't know whether its a head thing or what, but something ain't right. I don't seem to feel the way everyone else with a band feels.

My band wont let me eat anything half decent until at least 8pm. I spend most of my day starving hungry and only able to 'eat' liquids. When I get to the end of my tether I make some mash potato or something and try and eat it in nibbles, but it more often than not comes right back at me... this can go on for hours until the magic 8pm watershed and then all of a sudden I can finish the whole bowl off.

Then its bedtime and I know the whole rigmarole will start again the next day.

Some people suggest that my band is too tight. Well, I am sorry, but its not. I have been down the 'take some out' road with disastrous effect many times. They take out a bunch of saline and I spend maybe £400 getting it all topped up to the right point again... but staggeringly THAT POINT NEVER COMES!

I am not joking. I can be wide open and able to eat a whole pizza... go for a fill and be able to eat half a pizza, go for another fill and be able to eat 1/4 then another one and I suddenly can't eat anything, then I go back and have another tiny bit out (less that was originally taken out) and I can eat a whole flaming pizza again!!!!!!!!!!

This farce has got to end. I am so hacked off with my band I can't begin to describe it.

Couple that with the fact that I have had the operation twice and it still ain't working...

Obviously people are going to read this and think "well, if you eat pizza then...Pheph!" But I am just using it as an example. I actually cook all my food from scratch. I eat organic (heniously expensive) meat and veggies and limit oil etc etc.

The killer for me is actually the hellish nightmare BAND! Because I cant eat like a normal human being I actually feel my mood slide during the day and I feel like getting out the aspirin, a carving knife and a needle and thread and sorting the blasted thing out once and for all. It gets to 8pm and I am exhausted at the effort needed to eat. Every bite is a torture and I am fed up with it - then i grab chocolate and crap and sit in a puddle of dispair and self loathing feeling the pits of the deepest darkest prehistoric stinky swamp for eating rubbish.

I was 18 stone when I had this thing done 2 and a half years ago, and now I am 16 stone 9.

I am tearing my hair out and to be honest I think I would be better off without it. Like everyone, I was prepared to put in the hard graft, but I have been grafting for 2 and a half years and getting nowhere. Most of you who have struggled the same amount of time have actually lost loads of weight and life is looking great. My life is the exact same because every day I get on the scales it reminds me that I pissed £4500 down the toilet. I wish I had never bothered.

That's gonna annoy anyone off right?

Abuse and correct at will my freinds... somethings got to work.

Oh boy

...well, I am typing with a broken finger. I know that sounds lame, but TRUST me, it's totally terrible.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Tragically, there is no wicked amazing story to go with it. I just fell over at my doorstep - and No! I wasn't drunk either!!!

We got back from the cinema yesterday and I got the shopping out of the car then my ankle rolled over on the stupid gravel and that's it. Two very bruised knees, a sprained shoulder and a fractured middle knuckle on my left hand.

WAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Not fair man.

It was a totally RUBBISH day too. Started off excellent. I was lying in bed reading 2 Joanne Harris novels (Sleep Pale Sister and The Evil Seed, and yes I read two books at a time... I like to chop and change every half hour!) then whilst relaxing at 11:05am I remembered I had an opticians appointment at 11:25. IN THE NEXT TOWN.

So I raced off, got my eyes tested and ordered my prescription etc and then raced back as I was looking after a friends daughter for the day.

All was cool, we went to see Monsters V Aliens in 3D and it was on exiting the car after returning home that I did the ankle rick/falling over clumsy bit.

So I have a fracture to my PIP joint which will require 6-8 weeks in a splint and the therapy.

YAY

Today I tried to go to work. I got to my first appointment and decided I would never make it out of the village, so went home and told everyone they were welcome to come to my house, but there was no way I could get to theirs. They were all pretty cool about it, but only 2 of them actually came to have a lesson here. Ho humm.

When DH got home we decided to have a BBQ. We went off to Rainbow and bought some beef steaks, pork chops and sausages. When we returned Danie decided that HE was the KING of BBQ and told be how I was going wrong etc and how the fire was too hot and that to Brai or whatever they call it is like a ritual to them, and really really REALLY MUGGED ME OFF.

What a caveman. Seriously. I cannot believe that there are people out there who hate black people and think Women should be told what to do and Men are the best.

To be honest, I quite like a bit of "Oh honey, you sit down, I'll do this... its not good for you", but not to this extent. What a PIG IGNORANT SWINEHUND.

He is such a racists its unbelievable. I will not even tell you what he has said about black people in South Africa because its just so disgusting. He has only been here 6 weeks and I cant wait for him to go. He spent the last 10 days in SA and it was PURE bliss. The arrogant shmuck. His poor wife - seriously!!

So they are going on Thursday because they have found a flat. This is all his idea. She knows that its madness to take on a flat when she doesn't have a job and he hasn't even received his first pay cheque, but he knows what is best for them all. Idiot.

Web have a Romanian truck driver moving in on the 2nd May which should be good. Back to normal hopefully.

band - forget it. I wish the thing wasn't there.

*hanging head in shame*

Hello...

I know its been a long time, and I am so sorry Tina. I kept meaning to post and just didn't get around to it - then it was over a week and then two... you know how it goes.

so, how much has happened in the last few weeks? LOADS.

Right then, the last time I posted Rob was still with us and any day he was going to have his job finish and give us his notice. Well this happened 2 days later. He left us on the Wednesday, and we were actually out. We came home from the cinema to find a bottle of red and a nice note on the table thanking us for having him and making us welcome etc but that he had got his kit together and left that evening. (Oh and Erika - here you can get a great Shiraz for under £4 - bad news for me!)

So this was in fact quite good for us because he left only 3 days into his notice period and that meant that we could get someone in the room immediately. However, the lady who was lined up to take the room had already found somewhere else, but had not bothered telling us.

So, to make the room even more appealing we put a double bed in the room and some pictures and moved it all about and now it looks fabulous.

So we duly advertised the room, and had no takers (for about a week). During this week we went down to my Mum and Dad's to get my car MOT'd and it passed without any problems. groovy. We also went to see my brother in his cobblers shop and DS had a cool time there.

I think DS will have to do his work experience with my brother. They will have a great time. Its funny to think that both Bro and I were only 13 when we started cobbling. I was eased somewhat more gently into the trade being a 'girl' but by the time I was 15 I was mending like a pro. My Bro took my job when I left for college (we go at 16 here in the UK) and was mending on his first day. Now he runs the place. Good eh?

We came home, had some chocolate, wine, take aways and more rubbish and I just could not be bothered to diet in any way shape or form. We were in desperate need of spondoolics as the room was empty and wasting money.

On Saturday 14th March, 10 days after Rob left, we got a call from a lady called Jean. She was from South Africa and said that she had been trawling the net trying to find a room for her friends Danie and Claudine. D&C had apparently come to England to work for 5-10 years and were looking for a flat. She told them they were mad, and all they needed was a room in the general location until they were on their feet, had started jobs and had the capital behind them for the deposit bla bla bla. Both of their sons were in the British Forces, and were on leave trying to help them out. They also said they just needed a room, and Jean told us we sounded ideal.

I told her the room was still available and arranged to pick them up from the station on Monday so they could see the room. I was so desperate to get it filled, and this was the only call I had had in 10 days.

I went to fetch D&C and their two strapping twin lads from the station, and they came and had a look around. They were very pleasant and chatty and seemed like a lovely family. C was very stressed out and you could see she needed a break bless her. She said 'it's like coming home' as we drove up the drive. They told me that they like the room and would let me know that evening.

Not exactly the answer I was looking for, but at least hopeful. I made them a coffee and we sat chatting about stuff for about 15 minutes as the next train didn't leave for a while. It was then that D was telling me about his sister being in the UK and trying to trace their family tree. She hadn't had much luck. Well of course I said that maybe I could help because I had been doing it for years and might have the connections to give them a hand.

He said his family name was very unusual and that it was unlikely that he would find anything, but he wanted to try.

The name is indeed very unusual (and for privacy reasons I am not going to repeat it) and it just happens to be the EXACT same family name as mine. I was B L O W N away. There was all this kind of wide eyed 'no way' kind of stuff going on. I had been looking into that family line for 12 years and his particular family line for 6 and a half with NO SUCCESS. His family had been trying to trace back from South Africa for about 3 years similarly with no luck. So as 'fate' or wahever would have it, my long lost family had walked through my door.

I swear that when I saw the twins, something hit me that I couldn't put my finger on, and when I found this out, that's when I realised that they were like my great grandad exactly. Even in the same regiments.

Obviously my great grandad isn't smiling and hes about 16 when this was taken, but the resemblance is too weird for words.

So guess what... they took the room there and then! HA HA. I know that C was very very relieved and as I drive her to the City for a job interview she said she felt at home here and that it all seemed so divinely organised. It certainly is newspaper worthy I think.

They move in on the Thursday, and the rent crisis was over thank goodness. D didn't start work for about 10 days so we were able to take them around and show them some things about the place. I also took them to Sussex to see their roots and some very memorable things went down. We had a lunch in a pub owned by one of their ancestors kin, and stood on Littlehampton beach where their South African Founding Father had his house and most likely stood in 1840 before he left for South Africa. He owned one of the houses in the seafront row here.

So a very emotive and exiting couple of weeks, and then on Friday 20th March Mary had her kittens. 4 lovely little bundles. It was extraordinary as she was so humongous and only had 4. All of them were fine though, which is what mattered.

As the week progressed we all mentioned the fact that they were very contented and seemed very lovable. they were very handleable and fell asleep in your hands. So delicious!

The situation did not change and, although they were gaining weight and feeding well and looking scrumptious, they didn't move. They didn't hold themselves up or wander about.

Yesterday I took them to the vet because I was very concerned that at 3 weeks old they could not walk. they lie in the basket and only move around to get to the teat, which is usually about 2 inches away from them. They lie on their backs and they have no guarding reflex... you go as if to poke one in the face and they don't blink or move. You clap your hands suddenly and they don't jump. They are seemingly the most contented kittens in the entire world, and that is exactly what is wrong with them. This is not normal. also the fact that they wobble about trying to walk if they are put out away from the basket, and they tremor in their sleep and have massive jerky movements also doesn't bode well.

The vet new there was something wrong too. He said that there could be no definite diagnosis (well there could, but it would cost mega bucks), but he suspected that Mary was exposed to Panleukopenia virus whilst pregnant. It doesn't affect the adult cat, in fact all cats come into contact with it during the first year of their lives, but if the cat is pregnant, it can be bad for the kittens. It usually means they wobble, shake and are lethargic. Euthanasia was suggested but both he and I were not exactly willing to do that right away until I tried something else.

Another virus - called Toxoplasmosis that every pregnant mother has heard of -"don't touch cat litter or dig the garden whilst pregnant" etc... Well cats get toxoplasmosis from eating a raw bird/frog/mouse. This happens very often apparently and the cat will emit oocytes in its faeces for about 14 days. It does not make the cat ill, and it doesn't even make humans ill... it only affects mammal babies in utero - human and feline.

The virus causes a parasite to enter the body of the kitten and it crosses membranes etc and will eventually grow in the cerebellum of the kitten who at about 3-4 weeks old will begin to die - called fading kittens. This is much more usual as the injection against panleukopenia has been very effective and has become a rare disease now. Certainly Mary didn't have any of the symptoms of the disease at any time.

Now, given the fact that my kittens are 3 weeks old and still alive but very very dopey and lethargic, he thinks there might be a strong possibility that it is toxoplasmosis rather than panleukopenia induced Cerebellum Hyperplasia (the first option), so we have started giving them antibiotics. They should start to improve in a few days if it is toxoplasmosis and the infection will be clear in about 10 days to 2 weeks. Mary did have a weepy eye at about 7 weeks pregnant, which is often indicative of toxoplasmosis infection - but that's about as bad as it gets in adult cats.

If it is Cerebellum Hypoplasia, then we have a problem. The kittens will actually live to a ripe old age, just be wobbly and weird and docile and dopey. Actually a lovely lovely cat I think. But they will be basically a disabled cat, and have to live indoors as the roads will be treacherous and they of course cannot jump. So at the moment, we are waiting to see. I seriously hope and pray that it is toxoplasmosis.

So that's an ongoing story, and another ongoing story is that we are getting a new puppy! I know, you must think I am mad, but after Clifford our black labrador died 2 years ago, we always said we would get another dog but we kind of never could broach the subject as the death of Clifford was still too raw. Then of course Sue moved in bringing Dylan with her, an old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, which DS adores.

Now Dylan in 12. That's ancient for a CKC. It could be any time that Dylan croaks his last, and I know DS will be devastated. So DH and I decided it might be a good time to get a puppy to preempt his demise and give DS his own doggie again.

Little did we know that Airplane Grandad (DH's father) was thinking of getting DS a dog as a gift anyway, so it turns out that we get to choose a puppy and he is paying for it! Brilliant.

So our new puppy is a Blenheim Cavalier King Charles Spaniel who we have named Geoffrey.

Here he is at about 1 week:

At 5 weeks old

What a Cute little baby, and the puppy's not too bad either!!

Ok, as for band news... whats to say. I am not doing anything with it. If I choke, then I puke and then I go back to my food when I can. Its just an annoying piece of silicone and I cant deal with thinking about losing weight right now. I have half hearted thoughts of going on slimfast for a while and seeing what happens but the right week never seems to come up. I have it all here ready to go, but just cant get myself motivated. I just wish I had gone for the bypass. I know that if my band had not gone wrong, and I know its the same for my Bunk Mate 'M' from Brugge too, that I would be winning this battle, but we lost serious emotional, mental and physical trust in this thing and its never come back.

I do want it too, but right now, I am not in that zone.

Ok, I will promise to write this blog more often, because this has taken me hours and I don't want to be doing that again.

Oh, yeah and I am going to an Indian wedding next weekend - henna, sari the works! Cool eh?

Busy busy

Lots of things to do and so little time. I have been relatively bad with my eating, mainly junk and easy stuff... but never over the top. So I have managed to keep the same weight, which is a blessing considering the week I have had. If ever there was a time when I would have liked to pig out and eat junk, then this was it.

Money is really tight this month as I only had 2 weeks work last month because of the half term and the band nightmare lesson cancellation rubbish. I am going to take tomorrows earnings as well because March is a full 4 week month of work with no school holidays in it, and that will help us out this month.

I also have the car MOT this month, and it will be typical of my life for there to be some horrendous thing wrong with it. I only just had a big bill for it, so hopefully it wont cripple us.

I did the most unbelievable thing yesterday. I mean, talk about penny pinching miser! I did a shop online at Tesco for delivery tonight. They then email you what you ordered and the prices. So I printed this off and went to Lidl. We compared everything on the list with the same item in the store and saved £25!!
The things that were cheaper at Lidl were:
Cat food
Cheese
Sugar
Robinsons blackcurrant squash
Washing up liquid
Dishwasher salt
Dishwasher tablets
Kitchen towel

I was surprised that margarine, tinned tomatoes and sweetcorn, fabric softener were all surprisingly more expensive than Tescos. I was very surprised... so I am going to do the same each month as £25 is huge saving really! What I need to be careful about is not buying extra things because I am there and they look nice. I always find I save money if I order online because you don't get that pull of the eyes luring you into a purchase! Most of the money saved was on cat food - £13. We buy all the cat food at the beginning of the month, so it normally comes to about £56. This month it was £43. Bargain.

So back to the band news... well I still have restriction even after the unfill, so that's good. I think if she had taken the whole 0.5mls out then it would be different, but it feels ok right now. Infact this is most probably good place for it to be. That extra 0.3 was a tad too restrictive and obviously led to immense strife on the whole water consumption thing. So This is good. I can eat, but not loads and I have to go slowly and I have to think and stuff like that. good good.

Anyway, as always wine is becoming a problem. I love it so much, and I just cant help having the odd glass or 10, so this week would have been a loss I reckon had it not been for the booze. However, this month we are so skint, that I don't think I could afford a look at a glass of wine let alone drink one!! So it could be a blessing in disguise.

Another thing is that Rob, our lodger, could be leaving at the end of this month which will be grim because he pays a fortnight in advance, so we could lose £120 this month. Well - I say 'lose', but its not really lost. I mean we used the £120 he gave us when he first moved in obviously, so it will just feel like we are getting nothing for the last 2 weeks, and this is totally the wrong month for that to happen in. I hope he just has another couple of weeks an then it will be cool.

We already have someone in the pipeline should he blow on us, so that's a relief.

Mary is now started her confinement and is 'lying in' like the Queen of Sheba as she is about to deliver another bunch of bouncing kittens... She is right here with me in the office. Its perfect because the utility room is right outside the door and everythings close at hand. It was good in the caravan but it meant we had to trek outside and stuff like that. She wasn't happy not being with us a lot too, whereas now she is all cosy tucked up with me most of the day and has been very quiet and content in her lying in state. She is massive. I have put her in the maternity ward simply because she was finding it hard to get up on the counter to eat her dinner and also get out of the cat flap, so its only fair.

The last Tom was seen sniffing around her about 7 weeks ago, so she has 2 weeks maximum until delivery, and I am pretty sure she was got at before that, so it could be anytime really. It is nice knowing a date though... makes it a lot less stressful. Poor Mary was in the caravan on her own for 4 weeks last time as we just didn't know when she was going to have them and I couldn't risk her having them in the bed or under the kitchen sink or something with my Dad being ill and all that crap happening.

Its much easier confining them to one room ad being able to keep them safe.

Anyway, will let you know when they arrive!!