Right, sorry about the month off thingy... couldn't be bothered to blog because it was just me, myself and I getting all annoyed with myself, eating chocolate, drinking wine, eating some more because I felt rubbish for eating chocolate and drinking wine etc etc infinitum.
I have however, had lots of change this month.
I now know that the work thing was my MAIN issue. Its been about a month since I started in on my new schedule and it is FABULOUS! Why of earth didn't I do it sooner?
I now work from 8am until 10pm on Saturday (No lunch break/tea break/fart break unless I have a cancellation!) Its a complete SHOCKER of a day,but the sheer bliss at knowing that when I hit the bed in the evening I have done the bulk of my work for the week. I do something ugly like 24 lessons in that time, but its lush having Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday completely free from work. Tuesday is no problem. Its a typical 3:30 'til 9:30pm job as was the usual daily nightmare until I shoved 'em all on a Saturday.
This massive change to my working week has had a number of fascinating results. I have started, ever so slowly, to get my life in some kind of order. Rather than lurching from one end of chaos to another in the daily battle to survive work, home ed, running a house, cooking for 5, being a wife/mother General dogsbody... I now seem to have moment when I have nothing to do...
Nothing to do! Geeeeez! I actually sat down today and planned all DS's worksheets for the meetings for the whole entire complete full month of January. THAT IS UNHEARD OF!
And what is more - I enjoyed it! HA! Unreal.
Things that used to be a chore have started to turn into a kind of peaceful necessity. So I have gotten a schedule for DS to do all his work and complete everything within the year - not too early, and not too late. He has (daily) 2 pages of Maths, 5 Handwriting books (trust me this is NOT excessive with the state of his handwriting - if I can call it that!), a grammar worksheet, 1 page of science, 40 spellings a week (20 old, 20 new), magazines articles to read and his reading book. He also has to tidy his bedroom and make his bed every morning. Twice he has been banned from ALL screens for a week for not completing that task and it has been carried out too.
BTW - I used to get banned from telly as a kid... now it has to be ALL screens because the kids are crafty little blighters and watch stuff on the laptop. If you ban that too, then they are getting just as much fun on the PS2 or the wii or the DS or the Gameboy. Sheeeesh. Then they have the cheek to say they are bored. *Fumes*
So, with my life calming slightly more each day, I took the plunge and decided to go back to Slimmingworld. I know, I know... You have heard it all before, but I need this. I need the weekly weigh in. I need the push to get myself going and I need the financial slap of shelling out, piking out and then regretting it. Oh alright - I need the group hug ok??? No, in all seriousness, I really do miss the whole thing. Slimmingworld worked when I had will power. It stopped when I lost it after 2 years. Now I have a prosthetic willpower, and I have been 'doing the diet' religiously all week. I haven't made all kinds of everything and trying to make cake with chickpeas or cheesecake with quark or some other rubbish like that... I have just been following the diet. Sticking to 2 healthy milk/cheese options, 2 bread/cereal options and the free food for what ever colour day I am doing.
I have been surprised at how little I have needed. I have given myself a complete kick up the A^$£ and told myself that I seriously don't need chocolate or wine to make me feel better. What I need is a bikini in a size 10 (well even a 16 would do!!!! HA HA). That will make me feel the best ever.
So here is my week in food so far:
Monday 8th December
*mushroom soup (mushrooms, onion, water and stock...) Mmmm sounds yum eh? Well actually it was
*mashed banana snack (HMS'd it all back up)
*Lentil curry sans rice (onion, lentils, tomatoes and curry power)
*2 slices wholemeal bread (toasted to within an inch of tinder)
Tuesday 9th December
* 1 slice wholemeal immersed in 1 egg battered around a bit and thrown int' frying pan.
*1 can spaghetti in tomato sauce
*1 can of baked beans in tomato sauce
*28g cheese
*strawberry yogurt
*orange juice
Wednesday 10th December
*28g porridge oats made really runny
*Philadelphia Splendip
*Can of spaghetti in tomato sauce with 28g cheese on 2 slices toast
*minuscule portion of vegetable lasagna and salad
Thursday 11th December
*Diet chef meal - left over from my last crazy health kick- the pasta and tomato one (yuk)
*jacket potato with baked beans and 28g cheese
*4 dark rye ryvita crackers on their own as snacks throughout the day (YUMMMM!!!!! Seriously - these are great)
Friday 12th December
*tuna mixed with yogurt and blended to make a pate (or something resembling very wet cat shit) on ryvita - HMS'd the lot, then revisited it later when I got over the stench.
*prawns and smoked salmon in home made cocktail sauce (light mayo & tomato sauce) with a bit of green salad
*1 large fresh fruit pot - grapes, melon, mango etc.
*mango smoothie - just mango and a little milk.
Hows that... Not bad! That's ace that is. Obviously those who know how the band works will know that the portions are about the same size as you would give a scrawny hamster, but its a nice well rounded pile of food this week.
So next on my hit list... dunno. I am really in quite a pleasant and, dare I say, Smug mood? I feel content and happy. I would feel even more content had I not got to get up and go to work in 7 hours. *sigh* But as I said, its all over this time tomorrow. Yay!
Weight wise, I have been steadying out at the 16 stone 8 mark. I was 16 stone 8.5 at slimmingworld on Monday, so that's a good place to go from. My lowest was 15 stone 6 just before I went to Malta back in June. I have not been good AT ALL since then, as we all know and coupled with the disaster that was the Unfill from hell, I am pretty stoked to only be a stone heavier. Most of the weight gain came on after the unfill and I just haven't bothered to get rid of it again... so here we go peeps. Watch this space because this time I truly am determined.
Today marks the start of my daily blog again too. I really enjoy writing this diary, and from the emails I got whilst I was not 'in the mood' you do too. Thanks everyone.
Right, lets get down to some fat busting...
Oh, and P.S... our new lodger is a HORROR. We all hate her and hope she moves out soon. Lets hope she reads this blog! Will tell you more tomorrow. *shudderz*
Friday, 12 December 2008
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Happy Band-REDO-iversary
Whoop Whoop
NOT
Wow, I cant believe its been a year since all that pile of cack went down. This time last year I was sitting in bed with my bunk mate in Brugge for the second time in a year awaiting surgery tomorrow morning.
So whats happened in a year..? Weight wise.. well I was 17 stone 12lbs this time last year and today I am 16 stone 7. So that's 1 stone 5 pounds off (19lbs) which I suppose I should be glad at.
Then of course I have spent about 4 months being too tight and not losing anything, and then 2 months being wide open and bunging on a stone while they oh-so-carefully put back in the precious fluid ml by ml which I had had removed in the first place (all at £85 a stab BTW!)
So, I am not too happy, but in a strangely better frame of mind about the coming year. I have lost 2 and a half stone since I had my band done. This is more than I EVER lost through slimming world, weight watchers, Atkins or any of those other pile of crap diets I tried. So success...? Yes I think so.
One thing that is resoundingly clear is that I fight the band. This is not the weight loss miracle that you think at the outset. Its beset with difficulties, misery and emotional problems - and that's if it goes ok! If it goes wrong, as it did with me, then add to that even more stress and misery and pain.
I constantly want a day off from my band and I don't think a day goes by when I don't wish I could eat *something* whatever it might be. Would I have it taken out? No. Would I do it again? Yes, I guess I would. I know deep down I just have to play along with this game and I will actually win. I do sometimes wish I went for the bypass... but on the other hand that can have its problems too so nothings as straightforward as we think it will be.
So onto the next phase.
I am secretly pleased that this year has gone because I feel like I am back where I should be and if I lose another 2 and a half stone this year I will be looking pretty fine.
I am going to go for it and not think back.
(famous last words right!)
NOT
Wow, I cant believe its been a year since all that pile of cack went down. This time last year I was sitting in bed with my bunk mate in Brugge for the second time in a year awaiting surgery tomorrow morning.
So whats happened in a year..? Weight wise.. well I was 17 stone 12lbs this time last year and today I am 16 stone 7. So that's 1 stone 5 pounds off (19lbs) which I suppose I should be glad at.
Then of course I have spent about 4 months being too tight and not losing anything, and then 2 months being wide open and bunging on a stone while they oh-so-carefully put back in the precious fluid ml by ml which I had had removed in the first place (all at £85 a stab BTW!)
So, I am not too happy, but in a strangely better frame of mind about the coming year. I have lost 2 and a half stone since I had my band done. This is more than I EVER lost through slimming world, weight watchers, Atkins or any of those other pile of crap diets I tried. So success...? Yes I think so.
One thing that is resoundingly clear is that I fight the band. This is not the weight loss miracle that you think at the outset. Its beset with difficulties, misery and emotional problems - and that's if it goes ok! If it goes wrong, as it did with me, then add to that even more stress and misery and pain.
I constantly want a day off from my band and I don't think a day goes by when I don't wish I could eat *something* whatever it might be. Would I have it taken out? No. Would I do it again? Yes, I guess I would. I know deep down I just have to play along with this game and I will actually win. I do sometimes wish I went for the bypass... but on the other hand that can have its problems too so nothings as straightforward as we think it will be.
So onto the next phase.
I am secretly pleased that this year has gone because I feel like I am back where I should be and if I lose another 2 and a half stone this year I will be looking pretty fine.
I am going to go for it and not think back.
(famous last words right!)
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Sneaky...
Found a neat way to stop myself weighing before my weigh in day... Take a pint of squash to bed and then when I wake up drink it down. That puts any hint of weighing straight out of my mind. Good huh!
Ok, yesterday was good. I didn't celebrate with food, or anything else for that matter. I had my granola for breakfast, a Nakd food bar for what ended up as lunch, a slice - nay - a bite of cake at TB's house ( excessive consumption avoided due to the chocolate and chilli flake flavour! Not good, trust me), 2 large beetroot with salad cream for dinner and some pea and ham soup from the diet chef delivery box as a supper.
So that was a sweet day, eating wise. It was a crap day in other ways owing to the presence of Felix, our lodger's cat. This cat can pee and crap around the house for England. I found 6 huge dumps under the kitchen cupboards. We have a little bit of skirting missing at the bottom of our kitchen cupboards next to the dishwasher. Its hardly big enough to get my arm in, so after dismantling the skirting boards around my whole kitchen, I located 6 turn outs by the said little cat - Felix. I then neat bleached the floor and sealed it all back up again, including the 'hole' where the little sod was sneaking in and crapping.
That disgusting moment of my life over with, I decide to put on some washing and as I dump the laundry on the floor I see one of my nice shirts suddenly wick wetness from the floor... Yes, you guessed it, it was a nice pool of cat pee. *sigh* so I bunged all the washing in the machine with some detol and cleaned up the pee. I came back to get the washing from the machine 40 minutes later and there was a mahoosive great turd right there in front of the machine!!
Ok, so that's all done and then I hear a wail from DS... "Oh mum...? Think you better come here...!"
Yes, another nice present on all the leads to DS's PS2. Yummy. Have you ever had to wipe cat crap from a bundle of leads. It ain't fun and it ain't pretty. There is absolutely no way to avoid touching the stuff. Oh my it's grim. Of course, its bad enough when its your own cat, but when its someone elses little precious its just foul.
Right then, well if that hasnt put you off your lunch, nothing will.
Ok, yesterday was good. I didn't celebrate with food, or anything else for that matter. I had my granola for breakfast, a Nakd food bar for what ended up as lunch, a slice - nay - a bite of cake at TB's house ( excessive consumption avoided due to the chocolate and chilli flake flavour! Not good, trust me), 2 large beetroot with salad cream for dinner and some pea and ham soup from the diet chef delivery box as a supper.
So that was a sweet day, eating wise. It was a crap day in other ways owing to the presence of Felix, our lodger's cat. This cat can pee and crap around the house for England. I found 6 huge dumps under the kitchen cupboards. We have a little bit of skirting missing at the bottom of our kitchen cupboards next to the dishwasher. Its hardly big enough to get my arm in, so after dismantling the skirting boards around my whole kitchen, I located 6 turn outs by the said little cat - Felix. I then neat bleached the floor and sealed it all back up again, including the 'hole' where the little sod was sneaking in and crapping.
That disgusting moment of my life over with, I decide to put on some washing and as I dump the laundry on the floor I see one of my nice shirts suddenly wick wetness from the floor... Yes, you guessed it, it was a nice pool of cat pee. *sigh* so I bunged all the washing in the machine with some detol and cleaned up the pee. I came back to get the washing from the machine 40 minutes later and there was a mahoosive great turd right there in front of the machine!!
Ok, so that's all done and then I hear a wail from DS... "Oh mum...? Think you better come here...!"
Yes, another nice present on all the leads to DS's PS2. Yummy. Have you ever had to wipe cat crap from a bundle of leads. It ain't fun and it ain't pretty. There is absolutely no way to avoid touching the stuff. Oh my it's grim. Of course, its bad enough when its your own cat, but when its someone elses little precious its just foul.
Right then, well if that hasnt put you off your lunch, nothing will.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Proper Random
Ok, I have no idea what goes on with my body.
I weighed in this morning at I was 16 stone 4lbs.
I mean... What?
I have no idea how my body can lose 3 pounds in 24 hours, but evidently it did.
I don't know about you, but this just seems to make a mockery of the weighing machine. To reiterate... I weigh in at 9:20 after using the loo, naked - bar my leg and armpit fuzz and before I eat or drink anything. If yesterday was my weigh in day, I would have been completely gutted and probably had a take away and a bottle of wine, puked it up and had something else and then been completely bad all week because of feeling so rubbish about a.) the lack of weight loss and b.) the fact that I am eating like a hog. That is why losing weight is such a nightmare.
But, as luck would have it, yesterday was NOT my weigh in day, and thankfully it was today and I am happy... disturbed, but happy.
It would seem that whether you have a good day or a bad day, you just have to keep with the programme. I am going to try - yes TRY - and remember this the next time I don't see the results on the scales that I want to. If I try and remember this incident, it might stop me going completely off the rails for a day, let alone a week.
So, I am moving. I am off the mark again. Wont be long until I am back in those 15's again and not feeling quite so bad. I am committing to another week of weightloss and that's how I am going to attack it. I cant focus on how much I need to lose, because its just too big a number. I think its something like 70 pounds. Even 7 pounds is too much to focus on. The best way I think is to focus week by week on my eating rather than the weight I will lose. Means that every Wednesday is a little bit more interesting too. So, I'm signing up to another week on my band behaviour bond.
The bond is thus:
I will eat 3 regular meals plus 2 healthy snacks
I will think about what I am eating before I eat it
I will stop eating when I am full
I will not drink alcohol
I will not drink with meals
I will keep active and do all my lessons
I will feel positive about myself and my skills
I will complete tasks that I must do
I will be in bed before midnight every night this week
Its now 11:15am and I have already completed DH's Tax return for him and arranged an extra lesson today. I have been in and fed Mary, played with the kittens and am about to attack the garden as it is now a jungle and small children from the area could get lost in some of those brambles!
I weighed in this morning at I was 16 stone 4lbs.
I mean... What?
I have no idea how my body can lose 3 pounds in 24 hours, but evidently it did.
I don't know about you, but this just seems to make a mockery of the weighing machine. To reiterate... I weigh in at 9:20 after using the loo, naked - bar my leg and armpit fuzz and before I eat or drink anything. If yesterday was my weigh in day, I would have been completely gutted and probably had a take away and a bottle of wine, puked it up and had something else and then been completely bad all week because of feeling so rubbish about a.) the lack of weight loss and b.) the fact that I am eating like a hog. That is why losing weight is such a nightmare.
But, as luck would have it, yesterday was NOT my weigh in day, and thankfully it was today and I am happy... disturbed, but happy.
It would seem that whether you have a good day or a bad day, you just have to keep with the programme. I am going to try - yes TRY - and remember this the next time I don't see the results on the scales that I want to. If I try and remember this incident, it might stop me going completely off the rails for a day, let alone a week.
So, I am moving. I am off the mark again. Wont be long until I am back in those 15's again and not feeling quite so bad. I am committing to another week of weightloss and that's how I am going to attack it. I cant focus on how much I need to lose, because its just too big a number. I think its something like 70 pounds. Even 7 pounds is too much to focus on. The best way I think is to focus week by week on my eating rather than the weight I will lose. Means that every Wednesday is a little bit more interesting too. So, I'm signing up to another week on my band behaviour bond.
The bond is thus:
I will eat 3 regular meals plus 2 healthy snacks
I will think about what I am eating before I eat it
I will stop eating when I am full
I will not drink alcohol
I will not drink with meals
I will keep active and do all my lessons
I will feel positive about myself and my skills
I will complete tasks that I must do
I will be in bed before midnight every night this week
Its now 11:15am and I have already completed DH's Tax return for him and arranged an extra lesson today. I have been in and fed Mary, played with the kittens and am about to attack the garden as it is now a jungle and small children from the area could get lost in some of those brambles!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Today's round-up
Breakfast - granola and milk
Lunch - raw food bar
snack - banana
dinner - 5 pieces of tortellini in sauce
snack - McDonalds vanilla milkshake.
Total cals... well the milkshake has 420 alone. The bar is 100, the granola and milk 235 and a banana is about 100. The tortellini...about 100 aswell.
So roughly 1000 cals.
Feel like crud.
Went to see the film IGOR. It was ok, but came away wondering how I can claw back the wasted hour and 30 minutes of my life. Guessing I'll probably not be getting the DVD.
Work = Hmmm Good knowing that tomorrow I only have 1 pupil, even if it does mean that the 6 that have cancelled because of 6th form parents meetings, vomiting bug, colds and other assorted ills means I have lost £70.
Pessimistic? Who me?
Ok... positive stuff:
DAD CAME HOME YESTERDAY!!! Yes, he is back on the ranch and feeling ok. His wound/hole in gut is now the size of a small tea plate rather than a dinner plate which is good news. There is a lot of new skin growing. His old stoma site his like a woman's breast and he jokingly says that he doesn't need Mum any more now that he has it!! Its so swollen underneath where his old bag was, but healing. Apparently its 'normal'. Must say i haven't seen anyone else with a breast growing out the side of their tummy, but there we go. His new stoma is working well, and everything is ok by the sounds of it. He is wired up to a battery charger on one side of him, and the vac wound suction machine on the other, so he wont be doing any hiking any time soon - which is a seriously good thing! He is so hyperactive that he cant sit still usually, so this will put paid to that and force him to chillax.
Another cool thing... We now have 7 kittens... yes 7! Our 6 kittens have all been named now - BOB by the Moore family, LOLA but the Green family, SUMMER by the Elliot family, OREO and KIMBA by Steph and Nick and SQUIGGLES by Ally and Dan. However, SQUIGGLES gained a sister today. At work, Ally could hear squeaking and found a little stray feral kitten about 2 weeks old abandoned under a prickly hedge. It was not too well and she took it to the vet. He had to remove two pieces of plastic from its little throat and then give it treatment for a week. They gave it back to them on Friday and they had been feeding it every two hours and helping it go for a poo and a wee (normally the mum does this you see by licking). They brought Her - called PRICKLES - to visit her brother when I came up with a plan. PRICKLES has been adopted by Mary. We placed her near to Mary and Mary licked her all over and didn't show any signs of a problem at all. Prickles then joined her brothers and sisters, who are all a bit older and more boisterous as they are 4 weeks old today, but seems no problem. I kept a close eye on them all morning and then saw her have her first feed. She was straight in there and latched on for a full 7 minutes same as all the rest of them... well except one which I kept swapping over on rotation seeing as Mary only has 6 nipples!! Then I left them alone for a bit. I came back just before I went to work and weighed all the kittens. The fattest was Summer at 15oz, and Prickles was 10.7 oz. I thought this would be a good indicator of her growth in comparison to the others or if we have to top it up a little bit. Anyway, then Mary laid down again ready to feed, so I let her feed them and Prickles was straight in there again. I weighed her again and she had taken 0.3oz milk on board which is perfect. As its from Mary as opposed to formula its got to be more nutritious for her. So far, so good! I looked in on them a minute ago and they were all cuddles up together in a big pile with Prickles in the centre. Ahhh
Lunch - raw food bar
snack - banana
dinner - 5 pieces of tortellini in sauce
snack - McDonalds vanilla milkshake.
Total cals... well the milkshake has 420 alone. The bar is 100, the granola and milk 235 and a banana is about 100. The tortellini...about 100 aswell.
So roughly 1000 cals.
Feel like crud.
Went to see the film IGOR. It was ok, but came away wondering how I can claw back the wasted hour and 30 minutes of my life. Guessing I'll probably not be getting the DVD.
Work = Hmmm Good knowing that tomorrow I only have 1 pupil, even if it does mean that the 6 that have cancelled because of 6th form parents meetings, vomiting bug, colds and other assorted ills means I have lost £70.
Pessimistic? Who me?
Ok... positive stuff:
DAD CAME HOME YESTERDAY!!! Yes, he is back on the ranch and feeling ok. His wound/hole in gut is now the size of a small tea plate rather than a dinner plate which is good news. There is a lot of new skin growing. His old stoma site his like a woman's breast and he jokingly says that he doesn't need Mum any more now that he has it!! Its so swollen underneath where his old bag was, but healing. Apparently its 'normal'. Must say i haven't seen anyone else with a breast growing out the side of their tummy, but there we go. His new stoma is working well, and everything is ok by the sounds of it. He is wired up to a battery charger on one side of him, and the vac wound suction machine on the other, so he wont be doing any hiking any time soon - which is a seriously good thing! He is so hyperactive that he cant sit still usually, so this will put paid to that and force him to chillax.
Another cool thing... We now have 7 kittens... yes 7! Our 6 kittens have all been named now - BOB by the Moore family, LOLA but the Green family, SUMMER by the Elliot family, OREO and KIMBA by Steph and Nick and SQUIGGLES by Ally and Dan. However, SQUIGGLES gained a sister today. At work, Ally could hear squeaking and found a little stray feral kitten about 2 weeks old abandoned under a prickly hedge. It was not too well and she took it to the vet. He had to remove two pieces of plastic from its little throat and then give it treatment for a week. They gave it back to them on Friday and they had been feeding it every two hours and helping it go for a poo and a wee (normally the mum does this you see by licking). They brought Her - called PRICKLES - to visit her brother when I came up with a plan. PRICKLES has been adopted by Mary. We placed her near to Mary and Mary licked her all over and didn't show any signs of a problem at all. Prickles then joined her brothers and sisters, who are all a bit older and more boisterous as they are 4 weeks old today, but seems no problem. I kept a close eye on them all morning and then saw her have her first feed. She was straight in there and latched on for a full 7 minutes same as all the rest of them... well except one which I kept swapping over on rotation seeing as Mary only has 6 nipples!! Then I left them alone for a bit. I came back just before I went to work and weighed all the kittens. The fattest was Summer at 15oz, and Prickles was 10.7 oz. I thought this would be a good indicator of her growth in comparison to the others or if we have to top it up a little bit. Anyway, then Mary laid down again ready to feed, so I let her feed them and Prickles was straight in there again. I weighed her again and she had taken 0.3oz milk on board which is perfect. As its from Mary as opposed to formula its got to be more nutritious for her. So far, so good! I looked in on them a minute ago and they were all cuddles up together in a big pile with Prickles in the centre. Ahhh
Ok, this is it... dont get scared now
I am getting those jitters again guys...
Its been 6 days since starting to really work with the band again, so tomorrow is weigh in time.
I jumped on the scales today and it said 16st 7lb. Thats EXACTLY the same as last wedensday when I started doing my UTMOST to get going.
Only... on Saturday morning it said 16st 4lb...
I AM GUTTED. I am trying very hard not to stuff my face because of feeling so rubbish about this.
Maybe saturday was a wrong read... (although it was same time, same clothes, post toilet, pre breakfast/foodstuff consumption and they are elcectronic things -so thats not sitting too well in my logical mind)
Maybe I put on 3 pounds in the last 3 days (although I have done nothing other than eat the stuff that came with the pack, and have reasonable snacks and have stayed well within ALL limits and not cheated AT ALL - so that doesnt sit in my logical mind)
Maybe I just am not supposed to be thin
Maybe I cant do this
I feel like a piece of scum and I want chocolate, sweets and tasty treats to eat.
stuff it all.
HOWEVER > I am not going to do those things (oh man I so want to though!)
I am going to weigh in properly tomorrow as I should do and see what it says. I will decide how to celebrate or commiserate after tomorrows weigh in.
Now, to those of you who are gonna tell me it takes my body some time to adjust - DON'T BOTHER. Its junk. If you don't eat, you lose weight.
I went to slimming world WITHOUT a band and lost weight eating far more than I did this week. I even lost weight when I used to pig out on all kinds of stuff (see previous posts of about 3 years ago if you don't believe me).
So, my body is not in starvation, or holding water or some rubbish. I obviously am doing something wrong or need less calories.
I am in a seriously foul mood, so responders to this post beware I might BITE!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Today's round up
Well, things are slotting into place. Just a few students to get sorted and all will be great. Looks like the Saturday thing is going to work really well, but I am still going to have to do a Tuesday evening. That's not a problem to be honest because the ones that will be on the Tuesday are all in one village quite a distance from me anyway, so flitting back and forth to there during the Saturday could well have taken out quite a chunk of time.
2 days work is much better that 6 though lets face it.
Today's food:
Breakfast was plain low everything Granola - I keep feeling that I have to quantify that because I know that normal commercial granola is really high is sugar and stuff... but this is wholegrain, seeds and nuts, no added sugar and only 50g.
Lunch was pureed mutton stew from my gourmet ready meal selection, then I later had a small slice of home made bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and a tablespoon of fahkes (a Greek lentil dish)
snack - my raw food carob bar, but had to HMS a lot of that back up as I was way too hungry when I ate it. I seem to have to lubricate my pouch before filling i with dryish food.
Dinner will be a pureed chicken stir-fry which Heather made for us. I have added curry powder and now it resembles a Thai red curry. Looking forward to that, but still suffering from the HMS.
That's it really... Feel pretty good about self, and those surrounding me. Had a bit of a wobble earlier in the day when one of the parents of a pupil whom I teach obviously thought I was just trying to get rid of her daughter, when I wasn't, but soon changed her tune when she realised that it was EVERYONE not just her little precious that was having to change slots. She thought that because she had seen a couple of them at school and they had said nothing that they were obviously hiding something and started on about "well you have so many students, that's impossible to do all of them in one day, and what about X, or X and X and what about the X's..." and when I told her the times that they had booked, suddenly she back right down and reality must have dawned that I was indeed not doing this out of spite or something. It made me feel really really shite to be honest because she was like "Well, I am really disappointed that you are giving up" and not in a nice way, but it did end in "Yeah, I can see you have got to sort things out, well I can be flexible on such and such..." I know I should feel OK about that, but its left a nasty taste in my mouth like I was being accused of something.
Other than that I'm cool.
2 days work is much better that 6 though lets face it.
Today's food:
Breakfast was plain low everything Granola - I keep feeling that I have to quantify that because I know that normal commercial granola is really high is sugar and stuff... but this is wholegrain, seeds and nuts, no added sugar and only 50g.
Lunch was pureed mutton stew from my gourmet ready meal selection, then I later had a small slice of home made bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and a tablespoon of fahkes (a Greek lentil dish)
snack - my raw food carob bar, but had to HMS a lot of that back up as I was way too hungry when I ate it. I seem to have to lubricate my pouch before filling i with dryish food.
Dinner will be a pureed chicken stir-fry which Heather made for us. I have added curry powder and now it resembles a Thai red curry. Looking forward to that, but still suffering from the HMS.
That's it really... Feel pretty good about self, and those surrounding me. Had a bit of a wobble earlier in the day when one of the parents of a pupil whom I teach obviously thought I was just trying to get rid of her daughter, when I wasn't, but soon changed her tune when she realised that it was EVERYONE not just her little precious that was having to change slots. She thought that because she had seen a couple of them at school and they had said nothing that they were obviously hiding something and started on about "well you have so many students, that's impossible to do all of them in one day, and what about X, or X and X and what about the X's..." and when I told her the times that they had booked, suddenly she back right down and reality must have dawned that I was indeed not doing this out of spite or something. It made me feel really really shite to be honest because she was like "Well, I am really disappointed that you are giving up" and not in a nice way, but it did end in "Yeah, I can see you have got to sort things out, well I can be flexible on such and such..." I know I should feel OK about that, but its left a nasty taste in my mouth like I was being accused of something.
Other than that I'm cool.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Positive thinking...
My Mantra
It is the aim of my band to restrict my eating - not to give me an eating challenge!
I will henceforth eat little portions until I feel my band and then stop, rather than challenging my gullet to a dietary trench filling contest.
1.) I have lost weight - currently 16 stone 7 pounds. So that is 1 pound off in 10 days (although in actual fact its more because I never tracked the weight going up a little higher than that during that 10 days... hee hee) 21 pounds in total.
2.) I am roughly 1/5th of the way to my target weight.
3.) It is midday and I am eating my breakfast because I haven't been hungry until now
Today's food stuffs...
Breakfast:
50g Granola (the healthy low GI one)
Lunch:
pitta bread, lettuce and hummous
Snack:
Nakd raw food bar
Dinner... Not decided yet. I guess one of my pouch meals or soups. yummy
It is the aim of my band to restrict my eating - not to give me an eating challenge!
I will henceforth eat little portions until I feel my band and then stop, rather than challenging my gullet to a dietary trench filling contest.
1.) I have lost weight - currently 16 stone 7 pounds. So that is 1 pound off in 10 days (although in actual fact its more because I never tracked the weight going up a little higher than that during that 10 days... hee hee) 21 pounds in total.
2.) I am roughly 1/5th of the way to my target weight.
3.) It is midday and I am eating my breakfast because I haven't been hungry until now
Today's food stuffs...
Breakfast:
50g Granola (the healthy low GI one)
Lunch:
pitta bread, lettuce and hummous
Snack:
Nakd raw food bar
Dinner... Not decided yet. I guess one of my pouch meals or soups. yummy
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Blessed restriction
Ok, I am seriously restricted now.
I need to be really careful.
It seems to take me a little while to feel the restriction, in this case just over a week.
Today's food...
Breakfast:
50g Belgian Chocolate Granola - it's low GI and low everything so it sounds nicer than it actually is!! 234 cals
Lunch:
Raw food bar 100 cals
Dinner: Pea soup - 150 cals, but negligible because I threw up every mouthful... I cant seem to take the whole pea husk thing.
Lamb hotpot. still eating (at midnight) but if I do manage it all then another 200 cals.
Pretty damn fine huh!
I realise that I had this band for restriction... so why the hell am I trying to force food down my gullet. its like I am trying to eat the same amount of food, but with a band and wondering why its not working. I am trying a new method of eating and its going really well.
Ok, I had some issues this evening with the pea soup... but I know that was from the pea husk thing.. Its was really husky (LOL). I could feel it in my mouth that it was like dry on the edges after a swallow... So I am gonna avoid it. But this Lamb hotpot is really tasty and I have pureed it too, just in case. I am eating it with a tea spoon and making sure I chew it and resting between each mouthful (mainly because I am typing too!), and its working really well.
I have been drinking copious amounts of green tea in a quest for STRONG flavoured drinks with no calories in. I don't like the stuff, but it has a great bitter twang-smack at the end of a glug, so I am persevering with the muck.
So far, I have managed 6 half teaspoons of pureed lamb hotpot and all's good.
I have decided that I am not going to force this band to eat anything, or do what I did on Saturday that was just plain STUPID. I was in Aki-Teri and I ordered a prawn curry. It was lush, but I couldn't eat it. I got a couple of spoons of sauce down me and a couple of grains of rice and had to stop. I didn't even get to eat a prawn when I had to throw. So after trying and trying and trying to eat the thing, I said "Forget this, I will eat this gorgeous king prawn and then go puke!" I chewed it and loved it and tasted the sweet meaty thing and then hurled it. I just got so sick of not being able to enjoy something. I am not going to go to restaurants any more because they just make me sad. Eating dinner at the dining table with everyone is bad enough, but I can manage it compared to lush restaurant food. I just want to eat too much.
I am going to try and get this band and me on the road.
It is at this juncture that I have to admit I have an eating disorder. I finally chatted it through with someone and without going into too much detail, I sabotage my weight loss because I don't feel worthy of being thin/don't want to be thin for reasons yet unknown, eat because I am happy, binge because I fear the scales saying I have put on, so therefore fulfill the prophecy. I am in a cycle of binge eating/drinking and unhappy that I cant do more.
I discussed this after I started to seriously look into getting my band removed and 'upgrade' to RNY bypass. However, I can see now that its a psychological problem I have not a problem that surgery will fix, because the problem will not go away even if I have another surgery, and I will not see the results I want from that either because of going in to the whole thing with a wrong psychological attitude.
So, I have to love myself, and part of that is getting rid of things that I don't like.
I hate work. Everyone knows it and I just plain loathe it. I looked at my diary and my Sis said to me today that I can obviously survive with half of my students. I balked a bit, but realised she was right. At the end of the month I only ever earn half of what I could have done because of cancelling pupils or whatever because I cant face it or something. So in that case, what is the point in keeping 'teaching' these ones if I hate it. So I am changing my strategies. I am working on Saturday only. If they cant fit in with that then they can do the other thing. This way I think I will actually like my job, because its over with in one day, in normal working hours. I don't have to rush around at 9pm every evening making dinner etc and eating late. I don't feel rubbish about the fact I cancelled lessons and comfort eat and therefore I think its linked to it all as well.
So that's what I am doing. I have worked out that I could in fact give up work completely if I wanted to - which was a big shock to be fair - but realised that is not what I actually want to do. So I am going to continue, but under my own steam. I don't owe them anything, and if they really like their lessons with me, then they will fit it in around me wont they. I have to put my sanity, sons education, home life and health before them. I feel better already about it! Its nice to have that extra bit of cash, and its nice to know I don't really need to, which I never knew before I actually sat down and worked out exactly what comes in and goes out etc. and analyzed all the things like petrol/groceries etc.
Another thing is I am always so tired that I neglect a serious side of me that needs to flourish. I need that 'me time' - I really do. So this will give me some space to enjoy that as well.
So, tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and see whats going on. We shall see.
I need to be really careful.
It seems to take me a little while to feel the restriction, in this case just over a week.
Today's food...
Breakfast:
50g Belgian Chocolate Granola - it's low GI and low everything so it sounds nicer than it actually is!! 234 cals
Lunch:
Raw food bar 100 cals
Dinner: Pea soup - 150 cals, but negligible because I threw up every mouthful... I cant seem to take the whole pea husk thing.
Lamb hotpot. still eating (at midnight) but if I do manage it all then another 200 cals.
Pretty damn fine huh!
I realise that I had this band for restriction... so why the hell am I trying to force food down my gullet. its like I am trying to eat the same amount of food, but with a band and wondering why its not working. I am trying a new method of eating and its going really well.
Ok, I had some issues this evening with the pea soup... but I know that was from the pea husk thing.. Its was really husky (LOL). I could feel it in my mouth that it was like dry on the edges after a swallow... So I am gonna avoid it. But this Lamb hotpot is really tasty and I have pureed it too, just in case. I am eating it with a tea spoon and making sure I chew it and resting between each mouthful (mainly because I am typing too!), and its working really well.
I have been drinking copious amounts of green tea in a quest for STRONG flavoured drinks with no calories in. I don't like the stuff, but it has a great bitter twang-smack at the end of a glug, so I am persevering with the muck.
So far, I have managed 6 half teaspoons of pureed lamb hotpot and all's good.
I have decided that I am not going to force this band to eat anything, or do what I did on Saturday that was just plain STUPID. I was in Aki-Teri and I ordered a prawn curry. It was lush, but I couldn't eat it. I got a couple of spoons of sauce down me and a couple of grains of rice and had to stop. I didn't even get to eat a prawn when I had to throw. So after trying and trying and trying to eat the thing, I said "Forget this, I will eat this gorgeous king prawn and then go puke!" I chewed it and loved it and tasted the sweet meaty thing and then hurled it. I just got so sick of not being able to enjoy something. I am not going to go to restaurants any more because they just make me sad. Eating dinner at the dining table with everyone is bad enough, but I can manage it compared to lush restaurant food. I just want to eat too much.
I am going to try and get this band and me on the road.
It is at this juncture that I have to admit I have an eating disorder. I finally chatted it through with someone and without going into too much detail, I sabotage my weight loss because I don't feel worthy of being thin/don't want to be thin for reasons yet unknown, eat because I am happy, binge because I fear the scales saying I have put on, so therefore fulfill the prophecy. I am in a cycle of binge eating/drinking and unhappy that I cant do more.
I discussed this after I started to seriously look into getting my band removed and 'upgrade' to RNY bypass. However, I can see now that its a psychological problem I have not a problem that surgery will fix, because the problem will not go away even if I have another surgery, and I will not see the results I want from that either because of going in to the whole thing with a wrong psychological attitude.
So, I have to love myself, and part of that is getting rid of things that I don't like.
I hate work. Everyone knows it and I just plain loathe it. I looked at my diary and my Sis said to me today that I can obviously survive with half of my students. I balked a bit, but realised she was right. At the end of the month I only ever earn half of what I could have done because of cancelling pupils or whatever because I cant face it or something. So in that case, what is the point in keeping 'teaching' these ones if I hate it. So I am changing my strategies. I am working on Saturday only. If they cant fit in with that then they can do the other thing. This way I think I will actually like my job, because its over with in one day, in normal working hours. I don't have to rush around at 9pm every evening making dinner etc and eating late. I don't feel rubbish about the fact I cancelled lessons and comfort eat and therefore I think its linked to it all as well.
So that's what I am doing. I have worked out that I could in fact give up work completely if I wanted to - which was a big shock to be fair - but realised that is not what I actually want to do. So I am going to continue, but under my own steam. I don't owe them anything, and if they really like their lessons with me, then they will fit it in around me wont they. I have to put my sanity, sons education, home life and health before them. I feel better already about it! Its nice to have that extra bit of cash, and its nice to know I don't really need to, which I never knew before I actually sat down and worked out exactly what comes in and goes out etc. and analyzed all the things like petrol/groceries etc.
Another thing is I am always so tired that I neglect a serious side of me that needs to flourish. I need that 'me time' - I really do. So this will give me some space to enjoy that as well.
So, tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and see whats going on. We shall see.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Yet another day off work...
I am getting cheesed off with being in pain. I had to take today off work because I knew I would not handle it. That's £90 down the Swanee. Anyway, no matter what happens, I am working tomorrow because I just have to. Its not possible for me to keep losing money like this. A fill costs me about £300 by the time I am over it all!
So to update you about the food..
This week, on top of the 1000 cals a day given to me by the Diet Chef meals, this week I have had:
2 wholemeal pitta
cheese and onion sandwich filler
bacon and cheese sandwich filler
3 banana's
cauliflower
potato
sweetcorn
about 5 fromage frais with fruit pulp
2 bread sticks
orange juice
milk for my many coffee's
2 large gherkin's
Romanesque
2 cardamom muffins that I made (small cup cake size)
I think that's about it. Absolutely no wine *SHOCK HORROR* or sweets or anything really really bad. Its amazing how guilty I feel just eating the above in excess of the Diet Chef meals, even though all the veg are allowed and honestly a couple of bread sticks and a muffin aren't going to make me a heifer are they!
I am kind of looking forward to seeing how much I have lost on Friday. I can feel it in my face along my jaw that its not so pudgy. It had got a little pudgy from the 1 stone weight gain, and this seems to be where it went and where its gone from first again. I would rather it came off my bum, but then I guess more people look at my face than my bum these days anyway!
The housemates:
We currently have 3 extra housemates... Sue, long term lodger that she is, Nicky from Korea has now been here 1 month - that's gone really quick - and Heather a girl from Birmingham who is here doing some work experience after finishing her degree, to help her get a job. Personally I thought that was what the degree was for, but apparently degrees are as common as fag butts outside the local pub on a Friday night!
I feel quite exclusive not having a degree... maybe that's why I actually have a job! I wish I didn't have to have a job though. I hate work with a passion. I want to be a Mum and that's it. If DH ever gets a good job again (unlikely) then I am quiting. I bring home quite a nice amount of cash, but after you take out petrol money and books and stuff like that, I am getting a pretty thankless wage for a really hard and skilled job. I cant bring myself to put my prices up either as I feel terrible about it.
Anyway, I am off to bed now and I am SO having a lie in in the morning.
So to update you about the food..
This week, on top of the 1000 cals a day given to me by the Diet Chef meals, this week I have had:
2 wholemeal pitta
cheese and onion sandwich filler
bacon and cheese sandwich filler
3 banana's
cauliflower
potato
sweetcorn
about 5 fromage frais with fruit pulp
2 bread sticks
orange juice
milk for my many coffee's
2 large gherkin's
Romanesque
2 cardamom muffins that I made (small cup cake size)
I think that's about it. Absolutely no wine *SHOCK HORROR* or sweets or anything really really bad. Its amazing how guilty I feel just eating the above in excess of the Diet Chef meals, even though all the veg are allowed and honestly a couple of bread sticks and a muffin aren't going to make me a heifer are they!
I am kind of looking forward to seeing how much I have lost on Friday. I can feel it in my face along my jaw that its not so pudgy. It had got a little pudgy from the 1 stone weight gain, and this seems to be where it went and where its gone from first again. I would rather it came off my bum, but then I guess more people look at my face than my bum these days anyway!
The housemates:
We currently have 3 extra housemates... Sue, long term lodger that she is, Nicky from Korea has now been here 1 month - that's gone really quick - and Heather a girl from Birmingham who is here doing some work experience after finishing her degree, to help her get a job. Personally I thought that was what the degree was for, but apparently degrees are as common as fag butts outside the local pub on a Friday night!
I feel quite exclusive not having a degree... maybe that's why I actually have a job! I wish I didn't have to have a job though. I hate work with a passion. I want to be a Mum and that's it. If DH ever gets a good job again (unlikely) then I am quiting. I bring home quite a nice amount of cash, but after you take out petrol money and books and stuff like that, I am getting a pretty thankless wage for a really hard and skilled job. I cant bring myself to put my prices up either as I feel terrible about it.
Anyway, I am off to bed now and I am SO having a lie in in the morning.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Bits about my band...
Well, as you all know I had a band fill on Sunday. I have updated my weightloss on the ticker at the top of my page because I want to see the results for real rather that live in cuckoo land, and I have edited the weight record too.
So, now I am at 7mls, how do I feel? Well, I'm not hungry. I haven't HMS'd or PB'd either.
I have joined a new scheme. Originally I bought it from a company called Diet Chef. I thought it would be the same as that diet I tried several years ago (see very old posts) called Body Chef, where they deliver your food ready to be cooked all in a ha,per 2 times a week and you just munch your way through it. This was before I had my band obviously. However, Diet chef is slightly different. It gives you a breakfast, snack, lunch and evening meal for £190 a month. Now, that is a lot of money to stump up at once, but I bit the bullet and went for it because I wanted to have food ready for this month so that I can really push ahead and go for it to lose the excess I have put on during my time 'sans saline'.
This is what you get:
So, now I am at 7mls, how do I feel? Well, I'm not hungry. I haven't HMS'd or PB'd either.
I have joined a new scheme. Originally I bought it from a company called Diet Chef. I thought it would be the same as that diet I tried several years ago (see very old posts) called Body Chef, where they deliver your food ready to be cooked all in a ha,per 2 times a week and you just munch your way through it. This was before I had my band obviously. However, Diet chef is slightly different. It gives you a breakfast, snack, lunch and evening meal for £190 a month. Now, that is a lot of money to stump up at once, but I bit the bullet and went for it because I wanted to have food ready for this month so that I can really push ahead and go for it to lose the excess I have put on during my time 'sans saline'.
This is what you get:
You have 125ml milk allowance and you can have any amount of veg with your main meal as long as its not potatoes or high cal ones.
I started on Friday, and was hungry several times during the day, even though I had a banana and also a pitta bread with my soup. Saturday was the same, and I was very hungry between meals, but forced myself to stick with it. Sunday was a different story. Obviously I had my fill in the morning, so couldn't eat anything before that, and I was STARVING when I went in to see Wendy, but afterwards I was not hungry. I had half my snack bar, plus several soft drinks during the day and then my dinner when I got in... just the packet amount nothing extra, and I felt fine. I didn't even have my soup. Yesterday was good too. I had my soup for breakfast, granola for lunch, snack in the afternoon and dinner in the evening with a corn on the cob. I did not feel hungry all day.
BUT, now I know what is in the Diet chef meal box... WHEN WILL THESE PEOPLE LEARN... I can now buy it individually MUCH cheaper. I can buy (including shipping):
32 packets of Lizzi's Granola for £15.51
( http://www.good-carb-food.co.uk/ )
36 (not just 28) Nakd bars in 4 different flavours for just £22.00
( http://www.naturalbalancefoods.biz/ )
28 packets of soups in 4 flavours for just £44.52
28 packet meals in 11 different flavours for under £82.00
( both from http://www.lookwhatwefound.co.uk/ )
Which is a total of £164. That will save me a nice £36 a month. So guess what I will be doing?
This is much cheaper than Slimfast or Lighter Life, tastes great and is REAL food where you can still get your veg in as well. All the food is really wholesome and made from 'happy' animals who go to the slaughter house with a smile on their face and a wink in their eye and all that tripe too apparently...
However, I have been in EXCRUCIATING AGONY since Sunday evening. I seem to be a person who suffers big time when they have a fill. So, after spending all of yesterday in bed - literally high on codeine, I went to the doctors and have been prescribed antibiotics because the scar is swollen and inflamed and red rimmed. Not the best picture in the world, but you can see its not flat like it should be...
I have no idea why this has to happen to me, but it just does. Each fill I have seems to give me more and more pain. I had yesterday off work, and today too. I just NEED this thing to get a move on and help me to stay hunger free. I really truly am fed up now and I want to get cracking. I am glad I purchased the monthly food package, because it means I have food right there, right now, right when I need it and I don't have to just grab something.
I actually just eaten some of my Nakd bar. I started to feel a bit peckish (it's just gone 2pm), and I have only been able to eat 3/4 of it and then had to stop. Too big bites I think, and had to HMS - the residual effects are subsiding right now and I will finish the rest of the bar off in 10 minutes or so.
It's funny, because it is not food that regurgitates, but saliva. I seem to stop eating when I have had enough and my mouth seems to make more saliva and it is this that eventually made me have to be sick. That was what came up anyway, not the bar!
These bars are yummy! The chocolate one is my favorite. It's that raw chocolate taste... slightly bitter/sour and I love it. Its like having something naughty. They are completely uncooked, totally raw food which is great and very filling. Considering they are only 100 cals each the sustenance you get from them is much more than any other 'bar' I have tried. I like the Kellog's Special K breakfast bars... but only because of taste. They don't touch the sides or keep me full or anything. There is a hell of a lot of nutrition in these too and they are low in their glycemic load.
Anyway, am off to bed for a sleep as my guts are out of control with pain.
Right then...
Here's all kinds of news:
Step 3
The foam, together with the first few inches of the drainage tube and the surrounding area of healthy skin, is then covered with the adhesive transparent membrane supplied. At this stage it is important to ensure that the membrane forms a good seal both with the skin and the drainage tube.
Step 4
The distal end of the drain is connected to the VAC unit, which is programmed to produce the required level of pressure.
Step 5
Once the vacuum is switched on, the air is sucked out of the foam causing it to collapse inwards drawing the edges of the wound in with it.
My Dad -
On Sunday we went down to Chichester to see him. As we walked around the door into the ward he was standing up helping some other patient to get their television working! Can you believe it. 2 weeks ago we thought he was going to die, and now he is back being his normal helpful self!
He is painfully thin and grey looking, very weak of voice and a little bit doddery on the ole' pegs, but its my Dad again rather than the hot, puffed up slightly jaundiced unconscious lump that he was 2 weeks ago. He looks old though. As soon as he gets back from hospital I am sure he will gain all the weight again and fill out his gaunt face and stuff. Its amazing what 3 weeks being fed by a tube can do to you - an option I have not yet explored HA HA.
So for all of you who have been so supportive, and keeping my spirits up, things are definitely looking better now.
It looks like he will be coming home possibly the end of the week, but we don't want to push it. If they don't suggest it again, then we wont ask. Its better to make sure he is totally fine before being released into the world again. He will be coming home with a portable VAC machine which is what is being used to close his wounds. They are not sewing him up because a lot of necrotic tissue was removed and so he has to grow some new skin to close the wound himself. Its an amazing machine.
If you are squeamish, then don't read any more..
Step 1
The foam dressing is cut to the approximate size of the wound with scissors and placed gently into position
The foam dressing is cut to the approximate size of the wound with scissors and placed gently into position
Step 2
The perforated drain tube is then located on top of the foam and a second piece of foam placed over the top. For shallower wounds, a single piece of foam may be used and the drainage tube is inserted inside it.
The perforated drain tube is then located on top of the foam and a second piece of foam placed over the top. For shallower wounds, a single piece of foam may be used and the drainage tube is inserted inside it.
Step 3The foam, together with the first few inches of the drainage tube and the surrounding area of healthy skin, is then covered with the adhesive transparent membrane supplied. At this stage it is important to ensure that the membrane forms a good seal both with the skin and the drainage tube.
Step 4The distal end of the drain is connected to the VAC unit, which is programmed to produce the required level of pressure.
Step 5Once the vacuum is switched on, the air is sucked out of the foam causing it to collapse inwards drawing the edges of the wound in with it.
Step 6
Fluid within the wound is taken up by the foam and transported into the disposable container within the main vacuum unit.
Fluid within the wound is taken up by the foam and transported into the disposable container within the main vacuum unit.
My Dads wound is obviously a LOT bigger than this. These sponge things come in all kinds of sizes which is great and as the 'juices' from the wound that make scabs and new skin are sucked from the bottom to the surface the skin gets a fresh supply of this wonder serum which basically grows you a new tummy! Amazing, and all natural basically.
He is now only on Paracetamol regularly, and in no pain at all.
KITTENS:
We have 6 beautiful kittens and they are all so gorgeous and all of them have already been sold can you believe!
This is the most beautiful photo of 'BOB' as named by his new owners.
I will add a photo of each one this time so that I can remember them forever. I wont be keeping any of this litter which is a real shame as they are so amazingly cute!
Onto the band... well I am going to put a post about that later on today. Just to whet your appetite, I am strangely worried about it all...
Monday, 6 October 2008
Awful/Great = Hmmm
I am feeling really odd. I feel terrible about my weight, but Great about the new possibilities.
I went to WLS clinic on Sunday en-route to the hospital where my Dad is.
I weighed in at 16 stone 8 pounds. That's just gruesome, but basically I have put on a stone since my un-fill. It could have been a hell of a lot worse!
I told her all about how I was feeling - very unrestricted, hungry etc. I told her how I had committed to my weight loss again by ordering a months supply of food from Diet Chef. They provide you with breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner of wholesome low Gi food for £190 a month. Its not necessary to keep it in the fridge or freezer - you just store it in the cupboard and it should be 1200 cals a day if you stick to it. It turns out its actually 1000 cals a day, but they allow you some fresh fruit and veg to bulk it all up.
I told her how I thought that I needed a big whack this time because I had not noticed any difference after any of my subsequent fill and that frankly I am running out of cash (not just for the fills, but for petrol to poxy London and back and the week off work recuperation!)
She has given me 0.7mls this time. this takes me to 7mls total in my band which is half a ml more than I had in there before she removed 1ml on August 10th. So it really seems like it was Malta that messed my restriction up. It just got so aggravated that it was a vicious cycle.
Anyway, so far so good. I never do that whole liquids thing because I just can't face it, and I want to know quickly whether or not I have restriction. Well, when I compare how I felt on my new Diet Chef meals on Friday and Saturday to how I felt yesterday and today, there is a big difference. I am FULL! I was literally starving hungry on the other days, but I haven't had a single hunger pang today.
So hopefully everything will start to get back on track.
Hmmm
I went to WLS clinic on Sunday en-route to the hospital where my Dad is.
I weighed in at 16 stone 8 pounds. That's just gruesome, but basically I have put on a stone since my un-fill. It could have been a hell of a lot worse!
I told her all about how I was feeling - very unrestricted, hungry etc. I told her how I had committed to my weight loss again by ordering a months supply of food from Diet Chef. They provide you with breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner of wholesome low Gi food for £190 a month. Its not necessary to keep it in the fridge or freezer - you just store it in the cupboard and it should be 1200 cals a day if you stick to it. It turns out its actually 1000 cals a day, but they allow you some fresh fruit and veg to bulk it all up.
I told her how I thought that I needed a big whack this time because I had not noticed any difference after any of my subsequent fill and that frankly I am running out of cash (not just for the fills, but for petrol to poxy London and back and the week off work recuperation!)
She has given me 0.7mls this time. this takes me to 7mls total in my band which is half a ml more than I had in there before she removed 1ml on August 10th. So it really seems like it was Malta that messed my restriction up. It just got so aggravated that it was a vicious cycle.
Anyway, so far so good. I never do that whole liquids thing because I just can't face it, and I want to know quickly whether or not I have restriction. Well, when I compare how I felt on my new Diet Chef meals on Friday and Saturday to how I felt yesterday and today, there is a big difference. I am FULL! I was literally starving hungry on the other days, but I haven't had a single hunger pang today.
So hopefully everything will start to get back on track.
Hmmm
Monday, 29 September 2008
Not bad
Ok, so I didnt wake up with £millions in the bank or a fine physique... yet anyway.
However, I am feeling * Not Bad *
This morning I went and got DS from Lotse and Csilla's where he had stayed for the weekend so we could do the hospital runs. Being Hungarian they are not too up to speed with the whole English education system of GCSE's, A Levels and NVQ's etc... so I spent an hour or so going over Their daughter Lili's possible education routes, had a coffee and come back home.
When I got home and it was about 12, and took a call from Mum saying that Dad was being moved to a 'normal' ward. I am in two minds about this. Its obviously good news because he is getting much better, but there again, the nurses swan around in their outdoor clothes and the cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired and its where he has picked up the previous 2 infections right? So its a bit of a catch 22.
Anyway, enough about all that rubbish, I am fed up with talking about it.
For lunch today I had home made carrot soup. In it was just carrot and onions and a bit of coriander, salt and pepper. I had 3lbs of carrots to use up, so made a whole cauldron of it last week. I also had a boiled egg with it too.
For a snack this afternoon I had an egg.
This evenings dinner is roast chicken (not for me!) and Broccoli, Romanesco, and cauliflower and potato and gravy. That's it. So I am being good.
I have also booked a fill for Sunday. Go me!
However, I am feeling * Not Bad *
This morning I went and got DS from Lotse and Csilla's where he had stayed for the weekend so we could do the hospital runs. Being Hungarian they are not too up to speed with the whole English education system of GCSE's, A Levels and NVQ's etc... so I spent an hour or so going over Their daughter Lili's possible education routes, had a coffee and come back home.
When I got home and it was about 12, and took a call from Mum saying that Dad was being moved to a 'normal' ward. I am in two minds about this. Its obviously good news because he is getting much better, but there again, the nurses swan around in their outdoor clothes and the cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired and its where he has picked up the previous 2 infections right? So its a bit of a catch 22.
Anyway, enough about all that rubbish, I am fed up with talking about it.
For lunch today I had home made carrot soup. In it was just carrot and onions and a bit of coriander, salt and pepper. I had 3lbs of carrots to use up, so made a whole cauldron of it last week. I also had a boiled egg with it too.
For a snack this afternoon I had an egg.
This evenings dinner is roast chicken (not for me!) and Broccoli, Romanesco, and cauliflower and potato and gravy. That's it. So I am being good.
I have also booked a fill for Sunday. Go me!
Bonjour my fruities!
I am feeling particularly *random* this evening.
My adoring Daddy has been moved to the High Dependency Unit (HDU). This is in fact good news. Normal visiting hours have returned rather than the "Come any time, day or night, because we just don't know if they are gonna make it" visiting hours of the Intensive Care Unit.
So Mum has moved back home too, after being put up this week by a lovely friend who lived just across the road from the hospital. This means that she can get back to some kind of normality too and do her usual day to day things etc.
Dad is still wildly hallucinating, but apparently is easily pacified. He gets really upset mainly about being sued because Mum had a massive argument with all the nurses and doctors and my brother kicking all the doors in... I stress that this did NOT actually happen, but he thinks it did and is expecting court papers. Mum has to either go along with it or calm him down... whatever she feels best at the time. I guess its a kind of cold turkey. No wonder drug addicts are so messed up man - he's tripping his socks off!
Thanks to all my band buddies who have left messages and posts and stuff. I really cherished those little words of help, thanks so much. It means a lot to me that other people are there if need be.
Onto my weight. Oh man, I am thinking about self mutilation as a last ditch attempt. I have worked out that if I chop my legs off I will weigh about 12 stone. Hmmm might be worth it. This morning I weighed in at a WHOPPING 16 stone 11. That's just terrible. I was 15 stone 7 before I went on holiday in May. I have put on a lot of weight since I had that fill removed, so its obvious to me that I still am not at the right restriction. To be honest, I don't have a lot of restriction right now. I can eat toast, pitta, meat and all kinds of everything that I could not do when I had a bit more fluid in my band.
I am at the tragic point where all this stuff with my Dad happened right on the week where I could have gone back to Harley street and got a top up for free, so if I go at the weekend, I am going to have to pay which makes me feel really crap. I am of course worried that something has gone wrong again simply because of the weight gain, and I am getting to the point where I don't know whether I can carry on or not.
I don't know whether I can continue with this band journey or not, sometimes I genuinely wonder about the blissful life I could have by having all of the fluid removed and just getting on with my life, overweight or not, until I am in a better place. I know that I will return to my normal weight of around 18 stone or something, but right now I just cant handle NOT losing weight, so its like I don't even want to try. If I try to lose weight and fail, then I feel worse than if I didnt bother trying.
It seems like just when I get up that little bit of extra will power, something happens. 2 weeks ago I joined Weightwatchers, and I did it really well all day and then Tuesday rolled around and my Dad was taken into hospital, so for the last 2 weeks I have just wanted to eat . Full stop. Today I got my period too, and am feeling heavy, bloated and in pain. I have spent most of the day in bed with what feels like a cold, but kind of isn't anything productive...yet. Headache, hot and just tired out.
Today's food... 1ltr Orange Juice, 1 500g tub yogurt, bowl of rice pudding and jam, half bar of dairy milk chocolate and a glass of wine. Rubbish.
I want to wake up tomorrow, given that my Dad is on the road to recovery, with renewed energy, serious will power, and motivation to sort my fat out. I feel absolutely horrible. Eating high fat, sugary foods does not make me feel better at all. I don't know what I do it and I want to stop.
If I could wave a magic wand and have one wish granted right now it would be to make me satisfied eating less than 1000cals a day because it will make me a happier person, able to complete my daily duties rather than moping about depressed (apart from £several million in the bank, health and happiness for the universe and that kind of thing...)
With what has happened to my Dad and things that have happened to people I know, the awful things that go on in this world and even some serious other issues in my life that I don't write about here, you would think that I could get some darn perspective, but I can't!!! At the end of the day, this is my life and this is my problem and it doesnt matter what happens to anyone else in the world right now.
To be honest, that is why I havent written much on my blog. Every time I think I want to write in my blog, I end up feeling guilty for writing about such a petty problem (in the eyes of most other people I guess). Lets face it, being fat is seriously petty problem considered with cancer or warfare right? But, at the moment I really need to talk about it. I need to feel rubbish about my weight and mourn my weight gain. Gaining a stone since I had my fill removed has made me feel like someone in my family has died. I MOURN my weight loss. Litteraly. I just dont know how else to put it. I know that makes me look shallow and like I am totally unconsiderate of others, but I need to focus on me and how I feel right now. I am fed up with dealing with other problems or feeling bad about my own insignificant worries when actually to me they are the biggest problems in my life.
If my Mum wrote a blog, then she would have her problems laid out on view. Likewise others would do the same. I know that I should think "Wow, people are dying etc and this is all I have to worry about", but I can't seem to get that perspective. This being fat thing is a huge deal to me, and I feel guilty to some extent banging on about how awful I feel because I am fat. But I guess if I had a long nose, or club feet or a hump back or some other physical flaw, then that would pervade my life in the same way. I would wish to change that. I really can change the fact that I am fat - just by not eating. The equation is simple so why is putting pen to paper and writing the answer so DAMN difficult?
Why is it that when I feel upset about my weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when I lose weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when something happens that is terrible, I want to eat?
Why? What makes me this way?
I was trying to figure out why some people have the CAPACITY to eat, and do pig out, but don't get fat. It must be because they are not driven by emotional need. Others have the EMOTIONAL NEED to eat and don't get fat because they don't have the capacity to eat too much of the wrong thing at one time or over and over again. And why do some people have the CAPACITY & EMOTIONAL NEED?
It seems to me that anyone with both these PHYSICAL (capacity) and MENTAL (emotional need) states is Obese.
Lets fact it, we have all seen a scrawny bint completely pigging out at Pizza Hut or (like my brother) eating donuts for breakfast and lunch daily, but not putting on an ounce.
We have all seen a skinny mate crying about a lost boyfriend eating the contents of the fridge and wiping their chocolate covered mouth on the back of their hand.
But seemingly these people never do this ALL THE TIME. My brother, I have noticed will eat cakes for breakfast, have donuts for lunch and go home to a bacon sandwich, but when he gets full, he stops. Dead. He doesn't snack. When he is full he is full. That's it. So when you actually add up the cals he takes in in any one day, it only ever comes to about 2000. He eats NO vegetables, NO fruit, NO full meals. His eating is the most rubbish that I have ever come across, yet he is 6ft 4 and weighs in at 12 stone. Most likely Underweight!
What is this category? He doesn't have the capacity, nor does he have the Emotional Need. He is the category DEVOID, in that he eats to fuel his body only.
So there seems to be 4 categories.
DEVOID, CAPACITY, EMOTIONAL NEED, UNBALANCED
DEVOID - those who do not have the capacity to stuff themselves stupid. Those who do not/rarely have the emotional need to stuff themselves stupid.
CAPACITY - Those who have the capacity to stuff themselves, and do so on occasion. Those who do not have an emotional need to stuff themselves - the absence of which means these people are not heavily overweight.
EMOTIONAL NEED - Those who have an emotional need to overeat, and do so only occasions of that emotional need. Those who do not have the capacity to overeat to the extreme regularly.
UNBALANCED - Those who have both the capacity to overeat and the emotional need to overeat. One drives the other resulting in heavy overweight.
I have a friend who, when its her TOTM, or having a bad week at work, or an argument with her boyf, will go out for coffee and cakes and eat kids sweets and a bottle of wine, box of chocolates and really blow out and then doesn't gain weight because its not a lifestyle thing. Its a once in a blue moon. Normally she wont eat the next day because she is too stuffed from her overindulgence. There is nothing about guilt or anything like that.
Obviously there are fine differences between these groups but as a broad brush stroke, i think everyone could put themselves in one of them to a large degree.
I doubt anyone who has capacity and emotional need to overeat is thin. In fact I double dare them to tell me they are! I think as 'fatties' we are on a perpetual struggle. Its the mixture of physical and mental (dare I say problems) that give us our terrible situation. I thoroughly believe that it is NOT my fault that I am fat. I have a problem, or a syndrome or something. It makes me feel sick when some (usually very thin!!!!) people tell me that I can just sort myself by eating correct portions etc. I wish some serious scientists/doctors would actually try and work out what this is. I seriously think that they are onto something when they make a drug that curbs appetite (the Capacity problem) or a drug that makes us feel better like Prozac (the Emotional problem) but has anyone who has taken these drugs (I have) actually felt their appetite curbed, or better in mind frame enough to not want to eat their cadburys chocolate bar?
I don't think so.
There HAS to be a way to combat the deadly mixture of these two horrible things. For people with both Capacity and Emotional eating problems, its not going to be enough just to fix one or the other. There needs to be a wonder pill that makes us maybe radically NOT LIKE food, or for it to taste bad, whilst also curbing the appetite properly. Now, that is a drug that I would take any day.
Ask someone from the DEVOID category what they like about the dinner they are eating, and they will reply (more or less) "nothing". They don't get pleasure out of eating at all. The people of this category are always slim. Funny that.
Ask the UNBALANCED about what they like about their meal... you might want to get comfortable for some time!
Right now, I know that I am full, but I could SO eat a plate of singapore noodles and sweet and sour sauce! Wow, I need to go to bed before I do myself some more damage.
Being fat for me, truly is a form of self harm by proxy. I have to admit I often eat to punish myself. Oh my God I am a psycho.
My adoring Daddy has been moved to the High Dependency Unit (HDU). This is in fact good news. Normal visiting hours have returned rather than the "Come any time, day or night, because we just don't know if they are gonna make it" visiting hours of the Intensive Care Unit.
So Mum has moved back home too, after being put up this week by a lovely friend who lived just across the road from the hospital. This means that she can get back to some kind of normality too and do her usual day to day things etc.
Dad is still wildly hallucinating, but apparently is easily pacified. He gets really upset mainly about being sued because Mum had a massive argument with all the nurses and doctors and my brother kicking all the doors in... I stress that this did NOT actually happen, but he thinks it did and is expecting court papers. Mum has to either go along with it or calm him down... whatever she feels best at the time. I guess its a kind of cold turkey. No wonder drug addicts are so messed up man - he's tripping his socks off!
Thanks to all my band buddies who have left messages and posts and stuff. I really cherished those little words of help, thanks so much. It means a lot to me that other people are there if need be.
Onto my weight. Oh man, I am thinking about self mutilation as a last ditch attempt. I have worked out that if I chop my legs off I will weigh about 12 stone. Hmmm might be worth it. This morning I weighed in at a WHOPPING 16 stone 11. That's just terrible. I was 15 stone 7 before I went on holiday in May. I have put on a lot of weight since I had that fill removed, so its obvious to me that I still am not at the right restriction. To be honest, I don't have a lot of restriction right now. I can eat toast, pitta, meat and all kinds of everything that I could not do when I had a bit more fluid in my band.
I am at the tragic point where all this stuff with my Dad happened right on the week where I could have gone back to Harley street and got a top up for free, so if I go at the weekend, I am going to have to pay which makes me feel really crap. I am of course worried that something has gone wrong again simply because of the weight gain, and I am getting to the point where I don't know whether I can carry on or not.
I don't know whether I can continue with this band journey or not, sometimes I genuinely wonder about the blissful life I could have by having all of the fluid removed and just getting on with my life, overweight or not, until I am in a better place. I know that I will return to my normal weight of around 18 stone or something, but right now I just cant handle NOT losing weight, so its like I don't even want to try. If I try to lose weight and fail, then I feel worse than if I didnt bother trying.
It seems like just when I get up that little bit of extra will power, something happens. 2 weeks ago I joined Weightwatchers, and I did it really well all day and then Tuesday rolled around and my Dad was taken into hospital, so for the last 2 weeks I have just wanted to eat . Full stop. Today I got my period too, and am feeling heavy, bloated and in pain. I have spent most of the day in bed with what feels like a cold, but kind of isn't anything productive...yet. Headache, hot and just tired out.
Today's food... 1ltr Orange Juice, 1 500g tub yogurt, bowl of rice pudding and jam, half bar of dairy milk chocolate and a glass of wine. Rubbish.
I want to wake up tomorrow, given that my Dad is on the road to recovery, with renewed energy, serious will power, and motivation to sort my fat out. I feel absolutely horrible. Eating high fat, sugary foods does not make me feel better at all. I don't know what I do it and I want to stop.
If I could wave a magic wand and have one wish granted right now it would be to make me satisfied eating less than 1000cals a day because it will make me a happier person, able to complete my daily duties rather than moping about depressed (apart from £several million in the bank, health and happiness for the universe and that kind of thing...)
With what has happened to my Dad and things that have happened to people I know, the awful things that go on in this world and even some serious other issues in my life that I don't write about here, you would think that I could get some darn perspective, but I can't!!! At the end of the day, this is my life and this is my problem and it doesnt matter what happens to anyone else in the world right now.
To be honest, that is why I havent written much on my blog. Every time I think I want to write in my blog, I end up feeling guilty for writing about such a petty problem (in the eyes of most other people I guess). Lets face it, being fat is seriously petty problem considered with cancer or warfare right? But, at the moment I really need to talk about it. I need to feel rubbish about my weight and mourn my weight gain. Gaining a stone since I had my fill removed has made me feel like someone in my family has died. I MOURN my weight loss. Litteraly. I just dont know how else to put it. I know that makes me look shallow and like I am totally unconsiderate of others, but I need to focus on me and how I feel right now. I am fed up with dealing with other problems or feeling bad about my own insignificant worries when actually to me they are the biggest problems in my life.
If my Mum wrote a blog, then she would have her problems laid out on view. Likewise others would do the same. I know that I should think "Wow, people are dying etc and this is all I have to worry about", but I can't seem to get that perspective. This being fat thing is a huge deal to me, and I feel guilty to some extent banging on about how awful I feel because I am fat. But I guess if I had a long nose, or club feet or a hump back or some other physical flaw, then that would pervade my life in the same way. I would wish to change that. I really can change the fact that I am fat - just by not eating. The equation is simple so why is putting pen to paper and writing the answer so DAMN difficult?
Why is it that when I feel upset about my weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when I lose weight, the one thing I want to do is eat?
Why is it that when something happens that is terrible, I want to eat?
Why? What makes me this way?
I was trying to figure out why some people have the CAPACITY to eat, and do pig out, but don't get fat. It must be because they are not driven by emotional need. Others have the EMOTIONAL NEED to eat and don't get fat because they don't have the capacity to eat too much of the wrong thing at one time or over and over again. And why do some people have the CAPACITY & EMOTIONAL NEED?
It seems to me that anyone with both these PHYSICAL (capacity) and MENTAL (emotional need) states is Obese.
Lets fact it, we have all seen a scrawny bint completely pigging out at Pizza Hut or (like my brother) eating donuts for breakfast and lunch daily, but not putting on an ounce.
We have all seen a skinny mate crying about a lost boyfriend eating the contents of the fridge and wiping their chocolate covered mouth on the back of their hand.
But seemingly these people never do this ALL THE TIME. My brother, I have noticed will eat cakes for breakfast, have donuts for lunch and go home to a bacon sandwich, but when he gets full, he stops. Dead. He doesn't snack. When he is full he is full. That's it. So when you actually add up the cals he takes in in any one day, it only ever comes to about 2000. He eats NO vegetables, NO fruit, NO full meals. His eating is the most rubbish that I have ever come across, yet he is 6ft 4 and weighs in at 12 stone. Most likely Underweight!
What is this category? He doesn't have the capacity, nor does he have the Emotional Need. He is the category DEVOID, in that he eats to fuel his body only.
So there seems to be 4 categories.
DEVOID, CAPACITY, EMOTIONAL NEED, UNBALANCED
DEVOID - those who do not have the capacity to stuff themselves stupid. Those who do not/rarely have the emotional need to stuff themselves stupid.
CAPACITY - Those who have the capacity to stuff themselves, and do so on occasion. Those who do not have an emotional need to stuff themselves - the absence of which means these people are not heavily overweight.
EMOTIONAL NEED - Those who have an emotional need to overeat, and do so only occasions of that emotional need. Those who do not have the capacity to overeat to the extreme regularly.
UNBALANCED - Those who have both the capacity to overeat and the emotional need to overeat. One drives the other resulting in heavy overweight.
I have a friend who, when its her TOTM, or having a bad week at work, or an argument with her boyf, will go out for coffee and cakes and eat kids sweets and a bottle of wine, box of chocolates and really blow out and then doesn't gain weight because its not a lifestyle thing. Its a once in a blue moon. Normally she wont eat the next day because she is too stuffed from her overindulgence. There is nothing about guilt or anything like that.
Obviously there are fine differences between these groups but as a broad brush stroke, i think everyone could put themselves in one of them to a large degree.
I doubt anyone who has capacity and emotional need to overeat is thin. In fact I double dare them to tell me they are! I think as 'fatties' we are on a perpetual struggle. Its the mixture of physical and mental (dare I say problems) that give us our terrible situation. I thoroughly believe that it is NOT my fault that I am fat. I have a problem, or a syndrome or something. It makes me feel sick when some (usually very thin!!!!) people tell me that I can just sort myself by eating correct portions etc. I wish some serious scientists/doctors would actually try and work out what this is. I seriously think that they are onto something when they make a drug that curbs appetite (the Capacity problem) or a drug that makes us feel better like Prozac (the Emotional problem) but has anyone who has taken these drugs (I have) actually felt their appetite curbed, or better in mind frame enough to not want to eat their cadburys chocolate bar?
I don't think so.
There HAS to be a way to combat the deadly mixture of these two horrible things. For people with both Capacity and Emotional eating problems, its not going to be enough just to fix one or the other. There needs to be a wonder pill that makes us maybe radically NOT LIKE food, or for it to taste bad, whilst also curbing the appetite properly. Now, that is a drug that I would take any day.
Ask someone from the DEVOID category what they like about the dinner they are eating, and they will reply (more or less) "nothing". They don't get pleasure out of eating at all. The people of this category are always slim. Funny that.
Ask the UNBALANCED about what they like about their meal... you might want to get comfortable for some time!
Right now, I know that I am full, but I could SO eat a plate of singapore noodles and sweet and sour sauce! Wow, I need to go to bed before I do myself some more damage.
Being fat for me, truly is a form of self harm by proxy. I have to admit I often eat to punish myself. Oh my God I am a psycho.
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
My Dad is really really really REALLY ill.
Dunno where to start, but I guess the beginning. Here goes.
Run down of stuff:
Wednesday 10th September - Reversal of illiostomy after cancer of the rectum (Bowel Cancer)
Sunday 14th September - He had his 1st turn out in 6 months, which apparently was great!
Monday 15th September - Released from Hospital.
Friday 19th September - In ICU -no change. Further surgery to wash out abdominal cavity and check for further localised infection. Anesthetic switched off at 6pm and put on heavy morphine. Wake up begins - or should do.
Saturday 20th September -In ICU - no change, still asleep. Very slight awareness to family voices. scrunching of eyebrows, especially to DS's voice and Mums.
Sunday 21st September - ICU - Nurses tried to wake him up by stopping morphine. Came around slightly but in obvious chronic discomfort, so morphine substitute re-introduced. Completely out of it, seemingly more asleep than before.
Monday 22nd September - ICU - STILL has raging temp, low BP, high pulse/heart rate and cannot breathe on his own - just small changes in awareness only. raising arms without particular control and raising eye lids a little although heavy towards family members. wriggling in bed, moving legs, but very obviously drugged movements like someone who is brain damaged.
Tuesday 23rd September - ICU - turn for the worse. Less movements, not absorbing food through the tube any more and excess building up in his stomach and going bad, having to be regularly pumped out. Food only being fed intravenously now. Still aware Mum there, but observations were not good. seems as if he does not get on with the morphine alternative, so put back on morphine. Possible lung infection, possible stomach infection. Tests
So I am a bit jiggered to be honest.
Also on Thursday, Felix (aka Dodgy) one of Mary's kittens she had back in May was savaged by the next door neighbours dog. He has broken ribs, broken pelvis, puncture wounds, pneumo-thorax and other associated shock problems, but is thankfully out of the woods.
Sue (our lodger) is £415 lighter and he has spent the last 2 nights in the Maternity cum Intensive Care caravan on the front drive. However, he had to move into the main quarters today as Mary gave birth this afternoon and evening to 6 lovely kittens. They are all yummy.
Here is a video of number 5's birth. They are a proper mixture. 2 are black and white tuxedo style and the rest are a tabby blend. One is a grey tabby and the others are varying degrees of tabby right down to black with grey go faster stripes down the side! 5 girls and 1 boy!
Run down of stuff:
Wednesday 10th September - Reversal of illiostomy after cancer of the rectum (Bowel Cancer)
Sunday 14th September - He had his 1st turn out in 6 months, which apparently was great!
Monday 15th September - Released from Hospital.
- Evening - pain in side and shoulder
- Night - could not sleep, excruciating pain
- Evening - A&E dept. given morphine to help pain. temperature, low BP, high pulse/heart rate obvious signs of infection as his body was in shock. Wound opened and blood & puss pour out and even spray my mother in the face!
- Night - wound stitches removed and scar opened up. A large amount of puss, blood and faeces removed from abdominal cavity through site of old stoma
- Night - Brought back from surgery straight to Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at approx 7pm. Completely our for the count on Life Support machine with respirator and 14 automatic drug administrators and untold monitors.
Friday 19th September - In ICU -no change. Further surgery to wash out abdominal cavity and check for further localised infection. Anesthetic switched off at 6pm and put on heavy morphine. Wake up begins - or should do.
Saturday 20th September -In ICU - no change, still asleep. Very slight awareness to family voices. scrunching of eyebrows, especially to DS's voice and Mums.
Sunday 21st September - ICU - Nurses tried to wake him up by stopping morphine. Came around slightly but in obvious chronic discomfort, so morphine substitute re-introduced. Completely out of it, seemingly more asleep than before.
Monday 22nd September - ICU - STILL has raging temp, low BP, high pulse/heart rate and cannot breathe on his own - just small changes in awareness only. raising arms without particular control and raising eye lids a little although heavy towards family members. wriggling in bed, moving legs, but very obviously drugged movements like someone who is brain damaged.
Tuesday 23rd September - ICU - turn for the worse. Less movements, not absorbing food through the tube any more and excess building up in his stomach and going bad, having to be regularly pumped out. Food only being fed intravenously now. Still aware Mum there, but observations were not good. seems as if he does not get on with the morphine alternative, so put back on morphine. Possible lung infection, possible stomach infection. Tests
So I am a bit jiggered to be honest.
Also on Thursday, Felix (aka Dodgy) one of Mary's kittens she had back in May was savaged by the next door neighbours dog. He has broken ribs, broken pelvis, puncture wounds, pneumo-thorax and other associated shock problems, but is thankfully out of the woods.
Sue (our lodger) is £415 lighter and he has spent the last 2 nights in the Maternity cum Intensive Care caravan on the front drive. However, he had to move into the main quarters today as Mary gave birth this afternoon and evening to 6 lovely kittens. They are all yummy.
Here is a video of number 5's birth. They are a proper mixture. 2 are black and white tuxedo style and the rest are a tabby blend. One is a grey tabby and the others are varying degrees of tabby right down to black with grey go faster stripes down the side! 5 girls and 1 boy!
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Hectic random musings
Lots have happened this week.
A round up...
We lost young Josh (I think I mentioned that before) and immediately advertised for a new housemate. We found one and Nicky has moved in. She is really nice. She is Korean and learning English at a school in the city. So every day is a delight for her as she tries something new - mainly in the food category, but everything English overwhelms her. She is so pleased to be able to stay in a 'typical English home'... Yeah! Laugh your heads off..that's right, typical. I think I would go for 'Crazy' or 'Bloody Mad' English family to be honest!
Anyhow, she is in, paid up and life is sweet on that score againthankfully as suddenly losing £320 a month overnight tends to put the willies up One!
Work - it's been fine, but I have noticed that I dread Wednesdays. This is because I have a family of acute nerds who in my opinion should:
a.) get personalities
b.) get social skills
c.) get some furniture (instead of having one small sofa and a massive Yamaha ONLY in a 25 x 14ft room!)
d.) get personalities
e.) and other stuff!
So, it was obviously with deep joy that yesterday rolled around after having a most beautiful 6 week rest from what must be the most inane geeky family in the world.
It had actually got mildly more bearable about a month before the holidays, when the mother of said geek family, actually stopped her lessons because she had too much work on. So, when I arrived at their empty chasm of an abode yesterday, I was thrilled when she told me she was starting again. Frankly, I would've liked to have known that I had to sqeeze an extra half hour into my schedule before hand, but there we go. So I smiled sweetly and thought of the fat cheque.
To be honest, the lesson actually went well, because I was dreading it. Yesterday morning, I sat down with DH and we had a massive chat about it. I was all for slinging in the towel (as I did not know that Mother wanted to kick start again!), but he said that maybe I should just regain control by putting them a little bit out of their comfort zones. Hmmm thinks I. This could work. I actually felt really good when I told each one, turn after happy turn, that we would be doing something different and not just sticking to the stuff they liked/was easy for them. It went surprisingly well.
When I feel in control, I feel ok about my job, but some of the upstarts I teach like to tell ME how it is. Obviously I have only been doing this for 13 Years... what do I know right? Anyway, long story short, yesterday was full of little mini victories for me. So I will endeavour to focus on the whole pay cheque thing, and just teach them, and not try not to groan outwardly when I sit for 2 hours on a hard stool and teach 4 people who have no opinion, or spark, or conversation, or passion for what they are learning and indeed paying for.
Also, yesterday my Dad had his reversal operation. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer back in the spring, remember? Well yesterday he had his colostomy bag reversed, and yesterday evening was sitting up in bed eating tomato and cheese sandwiches and ice cream with a big white bandage over the bit where the stoma has been these last 6 months. He is delighted. I have no idea when he gets out of hospital, but its not the big operation like it was last time thank goodness.
So, foodwise and bandwise...
Dunno. I have been sick a couple of times this week. I have been pretty good with my eating, no crap like crisps or biscuits or wine...
trying to remember my food for the week is hard. Yesterday I made ratatouille and rice for lunch, and in then evening we had fish and chips. I had 1/4 piece of cod, 6 chips, 1/2 sausage and 1/2 fish cake. I was actually full about 10 mins into the meal, but it was so yummy I cheated a little and followed every mouthful with a little sip of orange juice so that it made it wetter and would slip down. I know that's REALLY naughty, and I wont do it again, but it proves to me that I have restriction, and more than I did before Sunday's fill! I think I do have the restriction just about right now. I am gonna try and stop freaking that I haven't, because I honestly think I am about right. I am still 0.2ml below my highest fill level, so I think this could be about it, as I don't want to go back to where I was before!
After yesterdays dinner I felt horrid. I felt really bloated and awful. I lay in bed and I actually had tummy pain like I needed an alka seltzer, so that kind of food is just not doing it for me. So its back to meat and 3 veg again. I am not even going shopping tomorrow because I physically cannot get anything more in my cupboards or freezer. Its got to the point where I am going to the supermarket out of habit rather than necessity, so I am going to make what I can out of what we have for a week or so.
Tuesday! I remember now, I made purple sprouting soup followed by roast duck and green vegetables. I was sick after this meal.
Today, I don't know. it will have to be an oven job because of the schedule for today, and everyone will eat much earlier than me. I think I will make a quiche and salad. Easy peasy, and they can serve themselves then.
So that's just about it. I am taking Steven to the vet in half an hour to get his mini pom poms removed as he has taken to peeing on beds and washing and starting all that territorial 'Man Cat' rubbish. Hes a little young, but I just cant have cat pee on beds. NO NO NO.
My scales have run out of battery so I have no idea how I am doing since Sunday, and I am not going to worry until Sunday to get a good reading, so there we go. Over and out.
Post Script
After reading through this to check for errors, it has flagged up to me that I keep trying to PROVE the band. This has lead to my dawning realisation that if I keep trying to prove the band, I am over eating and therefore not going to lose weight. I can PROVE the band is ok by just eating normally and seeing the weight drop off. I have no idea why this hasn't dawned on me before, but now it has.
Resolution: I am gonna eat normally and prove my restriction is right by my weight loss, rather than keep eating until I feel I need to be sick. That's just plain madness!
A round up...
We lost young Josh (I think I mentioned that before) and immediately advertised for a new housemate. We found one and Nicky has moved in. She is really nice. She is Korean and learning English at a school in the city. So every day is a delight for her as she tries something new - mainly in the food category, but everything English overwhelms her. She is so pleased to be able to stay in a 'typical English home'... Yeah! Laugh your heads off..that's right, typical. I think I would go for 'Crazy' or 'Bloody Mad' English family to be honest!
Anyhow, she is in, paid up and life is sweet on that score againthankfully as suddenly losing £320 a month overnight tends to put the willies up One!
Work - it's been fine, but I have noticed that I dread Wednesdays. This is because I have a family of acute nerds who in my opinion should:
a.) get personalities
b.) get social skills
c.) get some furniture (instead of having one small sofa and a massive Yamaha ONLY in a 25 x 14ft room!)
d.) get personalities
e.) and other stuff!
So, it was obviously with deep joy that yesterday rolled around after having a most beautiful 6 week rest from what must be the most inane geeky family in the world.
It had actually got mildly more bearable about a month before the holidays, when the mother of said geek family, actually stopped her lessons because she had too much work on. So, when I arrived at their empty chasm of an abode yesterday, I was thrilled when she told me she was starting again. Frankly, I would've liked to have known that I had to sqeeze an extra half hour into my schedule before hand, but there we go. So I smiled sweetly and thought of the fat cheque.
To be honest, the lesson actually went well, because I was dreading it. Yesterday morning, I sat down with DH and we had a massive chat about it. I was all for slinging in the towel (as I did not know that Mother wanted to kick start again!), but he said that maybe I should just regain control by putting them a little bit out of their comfort zones. Hmmm thinks I. This could work. I actually felt really good when I told each one, turn after happy turn, that we would be doing something different and not just sticking to the stuff they liked/was easy for them. It went surprisingly well.
When I feel in control, I feel ok about my job, but some of the upstarts I teach like to tell ME how it is. Obviously I have only been doing this for 13 Years... what do I know right? Anyway, long story short, yesterday was full of little mini victories for me. So I will endeavour to focus on the whole pay cheque thing, and just teach them, and not try not to groan outwardly when I sit for 2 hours on a hard stool and teach 4 people who have no opinion, or spark, or conversation, or passion for what they are learning and indeed paying for.
Also, yesterday my Dad had his reversal operation. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer back in the spring, remember? Well yesterday he had his colostomy bag reversed, and yesterday evening was sitting up in bed eating tomato and cheese sandwiches and ice cream with a big white bandage over the bit where the stoma has been these last 6 months. He is delighted. I have no idea when he gets out of hospital, but its not the big operation like it was last time thank goodness.
So, foodwise and bandwise...
Dunno. I have been sick a couple of times this week. I have been pretty good with my eating, no crap like crisps or biscuits or wine...
trying to remember my food for the week is hard. Yesterday I made ratatouille and rice for lunch, and in then evening we had fish and chips. I had 1/4 piece of cod, 6 chips, 1/2 sausage and 1/2 fish cake. I was actually full about 10 mins into the meal, but it was so yummy I cheated a little and followed every mouthful with a little sip of orange juice so that it made it wetter and would slip down. I know that's REALLY naughty, and I wont do it again, but it proves to me that I have restriction, and more than I did before Sunday's fill! I think I do have the restriction just about right now. I am gonna try and stop freaking that I haven't, because I honestly think I am about right. I am still 0.2ml below my highest fill level, so I think this could be about it, as I don't want to go back to where I was before!
After yesterdays dinner I felt horrid. I felt really bloated and awful. I lay in bed and I actually had tummy pain like I needed an alka seltzer, so that kind of food is just not doing it for me. So its back to meat and 3 veg again. I am not even going shopping tomorrow because I physically cannot get anything more in my cupboards or freezer. Its got to the point where I am going to the supermarket out of habit rather than necessity, so I am going to make what I can out of what we have for a week or so.
Tuesday! I remember now, I made purple sprouting soup followed by roast duck and green vegetables. I was sick after this meal.
Today, I don't know. it will have to be an oven job because of the schedule for today, and everyone will eat much earlier than me. I think I will make a quiche and salad. Easy peasy, and they can serve themselves then.
So that's just about it. I am taking Steven to the vet in half an hour to get his mini pom poms removed as he has taken to peeing on beds and washing and starting all that territorial 'Man Cat' rubbish. Hes a little young, but I just cant have cat pee on beds. NO NO NO.
My scales have run out of battery so I have no idea how I am doing since Sunday, and I am not going to worry until Sunday to get a good reading, so there we go. Over and out.
Post Script
After reading through this to check for errors, it has flagged up to me that I keep trying to PROVE the band. This has lead to my dawning realisation that if I keep trying to prove the band, I am over eating and therefore not going to lose weight. I can PROVE the band is ok by just eating normally and seeing the weight drop off. I have no idea why this hasn't dawned on me before, but now it has.
Resolution: I am gonna eat normally and prove my restriction is right by my weight loss, rather than keep eating until I feel I need to be sick. That's just plain madness!
Monday, 8 September 2008
Freezing
Its so cold in this house. My fingertips are blue.
Yesterday I went for another fill. I had 0.3mls put in. This takes me to 6.3ml in my band.
I cant say that I feel a whole lot different, but I am not sure...
This is such a surreal thing. I know what 'way to tight' feels like. I know what 'oh so slack' feels like. What I have now is I think different to a few days ago... but I'm not sure.
Hmmm. I will monitor it for a few days and see.
Today's intake:
Breakfast
1 wholemeal pitta with cheese and onion sandwich filler
Lunch
1 bowl tomato soup and 2 slices bread and butter
Dinner
spaghetti carbonara and a green salad.
Snack
Vanilla fromage frais.
I have not been hungry between meals. I feel full and satisfied, but able to complete my meal. I have not been sick.
Hopefully this is it. I am slightly panicky that my band is broken... not because I actually think it is, but because in some strange sense I felt that when I was choking on every meal at least I knew the band was there, whereas now I am eating, albeit gingerly, adequate amounts. I am worried that something will go wrong, I guess because I have put on weight. I have put on 8 pounds in the last 4 weeks. 2 pounds a week since I had my really restrictive fill taken out. That's stressed me out a hell of a lot.
I just hope being back to work, coupled with 0.3ml will sort me out for a while. I don't think I can face another drive to London this month!
Yesterday I went for another fill. I had 0.3mls put in. This takes me to 6.3ml in my band.
I cant say that I feel a whole lot different, but I am not sure...
This is such a surreal thing. I know what 'way to tight' feels like. I know what 'oh so slack' feels like. What I have now is I think different to a few days ago... but I'm not sure.
Hmmm. I will monitor it for a few days and see.
Today's intake:
Breakfast
1 wholemeal pitta with cheese and onion sandwich filler
Lunch
1 bowl tomato soup and 2 slices bread and butter
Dinner
spaghetti carbonara and a green salad.
Snack
Vanilla fromage frais.
I have not been hungry between meals. I feel full and satisfied, but able to complete my meal. I have not been sick.
Hopefully this is it. I am slightly panicky that my band is broken... not because I actually think it is, but because in some strange sense I felt that when I was choking on every meal at least I knew the band was there, whereas now I am eating, albeit gingerly, adequate amounts. I am worried that something will go wrong, I guess because I have put on weight. I have put on 8 pounds in the last 4 weeks. 2 pounds a week since I had my really restrictive fill taken out. That's stressed me out a hell of a lot.
I just hope being back to work, coupled with 0.3ml will sort me out for a while. I don't think I can face another drive to London this month!
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Ok, I have chilled a little
Right, maybe I was so damn moody because I got the dreaded curse again. What is with that? I wish I could take a pill and it would just go away forever. I hate it. Its like every week! It seems I just start to forget about the last awful episode and feel a bit better again and then WHAM! The painters are in again. Its not fair. I wish I was a man!
Anyway, like I said, I have actually chilled a little today. There is little point trying to punish myself when most of the weight gain could possibly (here's hoping) be down to the curse.
So today I did some shopping and went to the cinema and saw Get Smart... kinda funny in places, but not as good as it could have been. Quite tragically cheesy. Had lots of familiar faces in it though... some bloke from WWF or Gladiators or something, the guy from Evan almighty, and what looked like Warf from Star trek, and also a bloke I am SURE has been on James bond.
anyway, that's it really. Oh, and an Albanian guy has looked around the room... GULP.
Anyway, like I said, I have actually chilled a little today. There is little point trying to punish myself when most of the weight gain could possibly (here's hoping) be down to the curse.
So today I did some shopping and went to the cinema and saw Get Smart... kinda funny in places, but not as good as it could have been. Quite tragically cheesy. Had lots of familiar faces in it though... some bloke from WWF or Gladiators or something, the guy from Evan almighty, and what looked like Warf from Star trek, and also a bloke I am SURE has been on James bond.
anyway, that's it really. Oh, and an Albanian guy has looked around the room... GULP.
Fat and f*&%ed off
I am serious annoyed.
This morning, after a drink and fully dressed I weigh 16 stone 3.
THAT SUCKS BIG TIME
I have already booked another fill for Sunday, but got I am depressed.
I have decided that I have to take 1 day at a time. Stick to healthy eating each day and not look too far ahead. If I think to myself in 1 week I hope to lose 2 pounds... etc then things seem to go rubbish.
I am gonna just try to eat day by day and not worry about stuff.
I was 15 stone 7 a while ago... this feels like crap. REAL crap. Just shows how much restriction the band can give you because I have put on 9 pounds since being unfilled 3 and a half weeks ago. OH MY GOODNESS!!! That is horrendous.
I am listening to Nirvana's unplugged album that I got for our anniversary on Saturday. Its wicked, but is sadly not lifting my mood much! All that angst and stuff
What is with those lyrics man...
Underneath the bridge
tarp has sprung a leak
the animals are trapped
they've all become my pets
feed em up with grass
and the drippings from the ceiling
Its ok to eat fish
'cos they don't have any feelings.
What a load of TRIPE. I used to think it was all so full of meaning, but its just a pile of crap.
RARRRRRRRRR
I have just printed off all my pupils contracts for this year and put my prices up by a poxy 25p. like that's gonna help! that's like an extra £8 a week. WOOOoooooooo!
I feel miserable.
I hate being fat
This morning, after a drink and fully dressed I weigh 16 stone 3.
THAT SUCKS BIG TIME
I have already booked another fill for Sunday, but got I am depressed.
I have decided that I have to take 1 day at a time. Stick to healthy eating each day and not look too far ahead. If I think to myself in 1 week I hope to lose 2 pounds... etc then things seem to go rubbish.
I am gonna just try to eat day by day and not worry about stuff.
I was 15 stone 7 a while ago... this feels like crap. REAL crap. Just shows how much restriction the band can give you because I have put on 9 pounds since being unfilled 3 and a half weeks ago. OH MY GOODNESS!!! That is horrendous.
I am listening to Nirvana's unplugged album that I got for our anniversary on Saturday. Its wicked, but is sadly not lifting my mood much! All that angst and stuff
What is with those lyrics man...
Underneath the bridge
tarp has sprung a leak
the animals are trapped
they've all become my pets
feed em up with grass
and the drippings from the ceiling
Its ok to eat fish
'cos they don't have any feelings.
What a load of TRIPE. I used to think it was all so full of meaning, but its just a pile of crap.
RARRRRRRRRR
I have just printed off all my pupils contracts for this year and put my prices up by a poxy 25p. like that's gonna help! that's like an extra £8 a week. WOOOoooooooo!
I feel miserable.
I hate being fat
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Ooops been gone a while
Right then, seeing as I have been tardy, let me bring you all up to speed. I had my unfill which was wonderful... too wonderful. I have been able to eat everything and it's dog.
So I booked to have a top up and had it done last Sunday. I had 0.5mls put back in (for free) and to be honest there is not a lot of difference. I have not been eating quite so much, but apart from that I am able to eat pretty much all things except for sliced bread/rolls.
I am finding that pitta is a really good thing for me to eat. I have had 3 pitta bread over the course of the day with hummus. Tonight's tea is roast gammon with cauliflower cheese and for afters we are having apple and blackberry crumble and custard.
I am not hungry right now, and all I have consumed all day has been pitta bread and hummus, orange juice and coffee.
If you asked me have I had a lot to eat today I would say "yes" and in the back of my min think "too much" but actually this is BECAUSE of the band causing the sensation of satisfaction. I only FEEL like I have eaten too much, when in fact I haven't.
I hope to see a difference with my eating with this fill. Not so tight that I cannot eat more than a bite, but enough so that I can keep healthy and just lose maybe even 1/2 pound per week.
I am conscious that I am not really at my 1 year out yet (Band Mk2 that is - counting November 9th as band day.), and I have lost about a 1/3rd of the weight I want to ideally lose. I hope to have knocked half the weight on its head by my Band (mk2) Anniversary.
What damage did I do to my weight whilst at open free for all... 4 lb gain. This was analysed as 1 pound of water, 1 pound of muscle and 2 pounds of fat. Not bad when you consider I ate like a hog for 2 weeks solid. Mind you, eating like a hog for someone with a band, whatever their restriction is like, is significantly reduced from the Hardcore Hog that I was pre banding!!
So, I am not going to update my weight bar and add on the 4pound gain, as I will feel horrible and it will put me in a bad place, and I will adjust it when I have lost 4 and a half pounds instead and then I will be happy.
I have exactly 6mls in my band.
I suffered with a lot of pain in my port over the last few days where I have had to resort to codeine (Thanks Dad! He gave me all 200 packets of 90 tablets given to him from the hospital after his cancer operation - bargain!). Codeine was the only thing that touched my pain before when my band broke. However, it was NOT that kind of pain, but really from the injection site. There has been no swelling, redness or anything else and I still definitely have restriction, so I am not worried, although paranoia did start to set in during the long sleepless night after the fill! Today is fine though and I have been decorating, sawing, painting and all kinds of stuff without a problem.
As for the normal lark... we have our new lodger Josh. He arrived this afternoon at 3:30 with all his stuff. He is really excited about staying and starting his apprenticeship etc. Seems like a nice lad. He has a brother aged 9 too so just like home really!
Right, over and out for today.
So I booked to have a top up and had it done last Sunday. I had 0.5mls put back in (for free) and to be honest there is not a lot of difference. I have not been eating quite so much, but apart from that I am able to eat pretty much all things except for sliced bread/rolls.
I am finding that pitta is a really good thing for me to eat. I have had 3 pitta bread over the course of the day with hummus. Tonight's tea is roast gammon with cauliflower cheese and for afters we are having apple and blackberry crumble and custard.
I am not hungry right now, and all I have consumed all day has been pitta bread and hummus, orange juice and coffee.
If you asked me have I had a lot to eat today I would say "yes" and in the back of my min think "too much" but actually this is BECAUSE of the band causing the sensation of satisfaction. I only FEEL like I have eaten too much, when in fact I haven't.
I hope to see a difference with my eating with this fill. Not so tight that I cannot eat more than a bite, but enough so that I can keep healthy and just lose maybe even 1/2 pound per week.
I am conscious that I am not really at my 1 year out yet (Band Mk2 that is - counting November 9th as band day.), and I have lost about a 1/3rd of the weight I want to ideally lose. I hope to have knocked half the weight on its head by my Band (mk2) Anniversary.
What damage did I do to my weight whilst at open free for all... 4 lb gain. This was analysed as 1 pound of water, 1 pound of muscle and 2 pounds of fat. Not bad when you consider I ate like a hog for 2 weeks solid. Mind you, eating like a hog for someone with a band, whatever their restriction is like, is significantly reduced from the Hardcore Hog that I was pre banding!!
So, I am not going to update my weight bar and add on the 4pound gain, as I will feel horrible and it will put me in a bad place, and I will adjust it when I have lost 4 and a half pounds instead and then I will be happy.
I have exactly 6mls in my band.
I suffered with a lot of pain in my port over the last few days where I have had to resort to codeine (Thanks Dad! He gave me all 200 packets of 90 tablets given to him from the hospital after his cancer operation - bargain!). Codeine was the only thing that touched my pain before when my band broke. However, it was NOT that kind of pain, but really from the injection site. There has been no swelling, redness or anything else and I still definitely have restriction, so I am not worried, although paranoia did start to set in during the long sleepless night after the fill! Today is fine though and I have been decorating, sawing, painting and all kinds of stuff without a problem.
As for the normal lark... we have our new lodger Josh. He arrived this afternoon at 3:30 with all his stuff. He is really excited about staying and starting his apprenticeship etc. Seems like a nice lad. He has a brother aged 9 too so just like home really!
Right, over and out for today.
Monday, 18 August 2008
Todays roundup
I have loads of things on eBay at the moment. A car, some shoes, a face cream, art books, my dress that I wore to the wedding and other stuff.
Hopefully I might get some cash back!
So that's what I have spent most of the day doing... photographing stuff and entering reams of crap on eBay. Its so long winded. Something that has really annoyed me today is the fact that if you revise and item, once you have listed it on eBay that is, it changes the title for you. good huh? I think that's rubbish seeing as I chose my title and took ages on it.
Grrr
Bunk mate phoned today. Was wicked to catch up and her life has been just the same crazy whirlwind as mine... but not quite eh bunk mate? She thinks I am totally crazy and I guess she is right. HA HA.
Trish the Canadian lodger moved out today. Boo Hoo... but there we go.
Now, Bunk mate pointed out that people might be getting a tad lost in the comings and going of the lodgers and the cars...
Ok, here's a round up of the lodgers to date:
November 2007 - February 2008 Carina our German Girl
February 2008 - April 2008 Our two Spanish sweeties... Maria and Xandra
April - present Sue out lovely English Rose
April 2008 - June 2008 - Lotse the Hungarian truck driver
June 2008 - July 2008 - Lotse + Csilla his wife & Lilli their daughter!
June 2008 for 2 weeks Katie the Scottish news reader
June 2008 - August 18th Trish the Canadian Medieval history PHD student
So at the moment we have just Sue and her dog Dylan. In a week, Josh arrives. He is a young lad of 16 just about to start his apprenticeship and will be staying with us for at least 13 weeks... but more likely a year +.
Last night we went to Lotse and Csilla's for dinner with Sue. It was really great. They have moved into a 3 bedroom place and they invited us over for dinner. They are so grateful to us for helping them get started. Lilli, their daughter, is coeliac. They didnt know that they could get a lot of her food on prescription. She is so painfully thin its harrowing. They nearly wept at the thought of Lilli being able to eat bread, pizza, rolls and pasta. In Hungary their life was a bit awful I think. Anyway, to them its like they have arrived in Paradise. Weird considering I would give anything to go and live in Hungary!! HA HA.
So it was really nice to go there and see them settling into English life. What a massive decision huh? Their son Greg joins them in September also to make a new start. Really exciting for them.
So, lodger wise that's it really... waiting for next Tuesday to settle Josh in, but that should be no problem really.
Cars...
well, I wrote my red Rover off last December, remember? I bought the horrid Mondeo to tide me over. Then I bought my MG but just didn't get along with it. Now I have bought a Rover 25 which is much more 'ME' and sold the MG. DH had a company car until beginning of June. Then he bought a Rover 400 saloon. It was a big of a nadger, and he swapped it on the site called http://www.swapz.co.uk/ which is cool for a Citroen saxo. But he still needed a better small car. So we just got him an 02 plate Ford Fiesta with is totally great for him and he is thrilled. So we are now selling the saxo.
Its all go around here boyz and girlz!
I have only 2 more weeks of the holidays left and then I am right back in the thick of it again. I am going to put my prices up because its just ridiculous not to. The few new people I have got over the holidays have not blinked a bit at the £14 per lesson price tag. I am, after all, extremely cheap anyway! The going rate is £16 - and that's travelling to the teachers house... so I am a bit of a bargain. I cant be too cheap or I will look like rubbish. Hard huh?
Ok, roundup of today's food...
had the prawns thing this morning
had an apple
had a couple of cereal bars
dinner was cauliflower, creamed leeks and duchess potatoes. I didn't bother with meat as it makes me sick.
Then I had half a bottle red and another cereal bar.
That's all folks!
Hopefully I might get some cash back!
So that's what I have spent most of the day doing... photographing stuff and entering reams of crap on eBay. Its so long winded. Something that has really annoyed me today is the fact that if you revise and item, once you have listed it on eBay that is, it changes the title for you. good huh? I think that's rubbish seeing as I chose my title and took ages on it.
Grrr
Bunk mate phoned today. Was wicked to catch up and her life has been just the same crazy whirlwind as mine... but not quite eh bunk mate? She thinks I am totally crazy and I guess she is right. HA HA.
Trish the Canadian lodger moved out today. Boo Hoo... but there we go.
Now, Bunk mate pointed out that people might be getting a tad lost in the comings and going of the lodgers and the cars...
Ok, here's a round up of the lodgers to date:
November 2007 - February 2008 Carina our German Girl
February 2008 - April 2008 Our two Spanish sweeties... Maria and Xandra
April - present Sue out lovely English Rose
April 2008 - June 2008 - Lotse the Hungarian truck driver
June 2008 - July 2008 - Lotse + Csilla his wife & Lilli their daughter!
June 2008 for 2 weeks Katie the Scottish news reader
June 2008 - August 18th Trish the Canadian Medieval history PHD student
So at the moment we have just Sue and her dog Dylan. In a week, Josh arrives. He is a young lad of 16 just about to start his apprenticeship and will be staying with us for at least 13 weeks... but more likely a year +.
Last night we went to Lotse and Csilla's for dinner with Sue. It was really great. They have moved into a 3 bedroom place and they invited us over for dinner. They are so grateful to us for helping them get started. Lilli, their daughter, is coeliac. They didnt know that they could get a lot of her food on prescription. She is so painfully thin its harrowing. They nearly wept at the thought of Lilli being able to eat bread, pizza, rolls and pasta. In Hungary their life was a bit awful I think. Anyway, to them its like they have arrived in Paradise. Weird considering I would give anything to go and live in Hungary!! HA HA.
So it was really nice to go there and see them settling into English life. What a massive decision huh? Their son Greg joins them in September also to make a new start. Really exciting for them.
So, lodger wise that's it really... waiting for next Tuesday to settle Josh in, but that should be no problem really.
Cars...
well, I wrote my red Rover off last December, remember? I bought the horrid Mondeo to tide me over. Then I bought my MG but just didn't get along with it. Now I have bought a Rover 25 which is much more 'ME' and sold the MG. DH had a company car until beginning of June. Then he bought a Rover 400 saloon. It was a big of a nadger, and he swapped it on the site called http://www.swapz.co.uk/ which is cool for a Citroen saxo. But he still needed a better small car. So we just got him an 02 plate Ford Fiesta with is totally great for him and he is thrilled. So we are now selling the saxo.
Its all go around here boyz and girlz!
I have only 2 more weeks of the holidays left and then I am right back in the thick of it again. I am going to put my prices up because its just ridiculous not to. The few new people I have got over the holidays have not blinked a bit at the £14 per lesson price tag. I am, after all, extremely cheap anyway! The going rate is £16 - and that's travelling to the teachers house... so I am a bit of a bargain. I cant be too cheap or I will look like rubbish. Hard huh?
Ok, roundup of today's food...
had the prawns thing this morning
had an apple
had a couple of cereal bars
dinner was cauliflower, creamed leeks and duchess potatoes. I didn't bother with meat as it makes me sick.
Then I had half a bottle red and another cereal bar.
That's all folks!
Shopping is getting to be a full time job for an accountant
1 Tesco Plain Flour 1.5kg
2 Pataks Madras Curry Paste Medium Hot Jar 283g
14 Golden Delicious Apples Class 1 Loose
4 Pot Noodle Chicken & M/Room 94g
1 Red Bull Energy Drink 250ml
2 Tesco Nas Orange Squash 750ml
1 Robinsons Hi-Juice Orange 1 Ltr
4 Tesco Thick All Butter Shortbread Fingers 250g
1 Frozen Cooked & Peeled King Prawns 250g
1 T.Salt & Vinegarcrunchy Sticks 150g
1 Tesco Prawn Crackers 60g
1 Walkers Wotsits Cheese 12pk
3 Tesco Spinach Ricotta Tortellini 250g
1 Ready To Eat Peach Punnet
1 Tesco 12 Mini Savoury Eggs 240g
2 Boklunder Schulte Bratwurst 540g
1 Dove Deodorant Fresh Antiperspirant Deodrant 150ml
1 Raid Fly And Wasp Killer 300ml
1 Tesco Value Cooked Ham 125g
1 Tesco Value Table Salt 1kg
1 Tesco Non Biological Powder 30 Wash/2.4kg
2 Tesco Value Chicken Breast Fillets 1kg
2 Go Tan Nasi Goreng Mealkit 380g
1 Lamb Whole Leg 1.4kg - 2.4kg
1 Go Cat Duck Rabbit & Chicken 950g
2 Tesco Chocolate Chip Chewy & Crisp Cereal Bar 6 Pack
2 Tesco Value Dishwasher Tabs 30's
1 Clean & Fresh Washing Up Liquid 1 Ltr
1 Tesco Floral Liquid Rim Plus 3 Refills
24 Tesco Uht Value Skimmed Milk 1 Litre
5 Felix Fish Variety Pack 6 X 400g
TOTAL
£104.74
Same EXACT shop... using equivalent brands in LIDL.... £77.88
That is a saving of nearly £27.00!!!!!!!! Thats a new pair of shoes!
I have decided that I have to be more frugal with my spending, and am choosing where to buy things rather than just going to Tesco like I always have done.
A year or two ago I never thought about the price of things. The weekly shop come to such & such and that was that. I didn't buy value all the time, nor did I look and compare prices. I just saw what I wanted and put it in the trolley. I am finding with rising costs that this is simply idiotic these days. I was in tesco teaching DS how to work out which olive oil to buy and it struck me that I was actually working out the price per litre and then seeing which one was better value on a basic necessity like olive oil. This was really concerning.
When I was looking at it all, there were several thoughts going through my mind. Firstly was DS needs to be able to do this. He needs to be able to convert £1.25 per litre/kilo into mls/grams. He needs to work out how much per litre a 500ml bottle of oil costing £3.65 is etc.
Secondly, how cunning supermarkets are. For example there are 10 bottles of oil on the shelf. Some are 500mls, some 1 ltr, some 750. They all are labelled by price, but because of the sizing of the bottles, you still cant work out which is cheaper. They have 'tried' to make it easier by underneath putting the price per litre... but it is NOT uniform! Sometimes they put price per half litre or in mls, so for someone who cannot do basic maths, this is a minefield.
It struck me that they need to uniformly put the price per litre, or per ml or whatever and stick to it. But of course they are not going to.
DS and were looking at all these bottles of oil, and we were sat down on the floor in the aisle doing these sums. People were staring at us like we were mad. I said to DS "Which one looks the most expensive" and "Which one looks the cheapest?" He chose the Bertolli light olive oil as the most expensive because the label looks lovely. He chose the plain glass tesco bottle of oil as the cheapest because of the label too and also by the price tag. He was right about the most expensive. But wrong about the cheapest. Right next to the bottle of Tesco olive oil was another bottle which looked exactly the same size. It was dearer by about 25p though. However, when you looked VERY closely this bottle was 1litre of oil, and the glass one next to it was 750mls. The 1litre bottle was PLASTIC. It was exactly the same shape and size as the 750ml one, but was infact the cheapest. Now, just rushing through with screaming kids, Mrs Joe Bloggs would pick up the 750ml no doubt, because 25p is still 25p and would not notice that actually the other WAS cheaper.
I think this is like deception. It amounts to it. They cover the prices with jargon, put different prices, different sizes etc and it baffles one. Cunning. Obviously its their job to be, but I think it terrible. Going to such lengths as that to gain a few pence.
It doesn't stop there... you by loose apples because you see that the packaged ones are dearer. Then you keep doing that and what do you find, the packed apples are now cheaper!! so you go back to packed, then a few weeks later the loose are in again. They swap it to maximise their success and your loss.
Who goes shopping for a pint of milk and comes out with that pint costing £50. Its a time old saying, but I know I do! They swap the shelves, move products practically weekly to get you traipsing through the store in the hope that you will spot a bargain! How much more of this kind of thing that we don't notice? I always used to wonder why you could smell bread as you walked in the shop, but the bakery section was at the far back of the store... Hmmm.
Anyway, I am getting my veg from a local farm shop. I asked the lady there to make me up a box of veg and salad. That way I can go in, get the goods and leave and it cuts down on impulse buying. I find that I never have enough veg to last the week, so I go shopping purely for vegetables 2 or 3 times a week and end up come out with all kinds of other crap.
I am doing my main shopping in Lidl once per week.
I am buying my washing detergent ONLY from ALDI because their Liquid wash is £2 per bottle and it does 30 washes!!! That's Unreal! It washes really well too.
This way I figure I am going to save myself about £50 - £65 a week on my shopping bills.
Needs must when the devil drives.
band land... I am going to have a top up, I think I wrote that already, on Sunday. I have had a good day today... some prawns in a ginger and garlic sauce that I saved and froze from the other week and an apple. Not gonna get very fat on that huh.
Yesterday was a bit of a bad day... not because of over eating, but being sick. I cant remember what I had for breakfast... I think a muesli bar... then I went to the city to buy some stuff for our box day anniversary celebration which is on the 30th (will explain all later). I was really hungry and bought some spinach falafel from waitrose. I ate one and should have stopped. I didn't and ate another only to have to be sick later. Then we went to Lotse and Csilla's for dinner. They made fried chicken and mash and tiramisu. I had some chicken, but had to throw it back up. I managed the potato and also the two helpings of tiramisu. Yum!
Today I have also added a cereal bar to my daily food intake. I have no idea what we are doing for dinner, but I want something nice!
2 Pataks Madras Curry Paste Medium Hot Jar 283g
14 Golden Delicious Apples Class 1 Loose
4 Pot Noodle Chicken & M/Room 94g
1 Red Bull Energy Drink 250ml
2 Tesco Nas Orange Squash 750ml
1 Robinsons Hi-Juice Orange 1 Ltr
4 Tesco Thick All Butter Shortbread Fingers 250g
1 Frozen Cooked & Peeled King Prawns 250g
1 T.Salt & Vinegarcrunchy Sticks 150g
1 Tesco Prawn Crackers 60g
1 Walkers Wotsits Cheese 12pk
3 Tesco Spinach Ricotta Tortellini 250g
1 Ready To Eat Peach Punnet
1 Tesco 12 Mini Savoury Eggs 240g
2 Boklunder Schulte Bratwurst 540g
1 Dove Deodorant Fresh Antiperspirant Deodrant 150ml
1 Raid Fly And Wasp Killer 300ml
1 Tesco Value Cooked Ham 125g
1 Tesco Value Table Salt 1kg
1 Tesco Non Biological Powder 30 Wash/2.4kg
2 Tesco Value Chicken Breast Fillets 1kg
2 Go Tan Nasi Goreng Mealkit 380g
1 Lamb Whole Leg 1.4kg - 2.4kg
1 Go Cat Duck Rabbit & Chicken 950g
2 Tesco Chocolate Chip Chewy & Crisp Cereal Bar 6 Pack
2 Tesco Value Dishwasher Tabs 30's
1 Clean & Fresh Washing Up Liquid 1 Ltr
1 Tesco Floral Liquid Rim Plus 3 Refills
24 Tesco Uht Value Skimmed Milk 1 Litre
5 Felix Fish Variety Pack 6 X 400g
TOTAL
£104.74
Same EXACT shop... using equivalent brands in LIDL.... £77.88
That is a saving of nearly £27.00!!!!!!!! Thats a new pair of shoes!
I have decided that I have to be more frugal with my spending, and am choosing where to buy things rather than just going to Tesco like I always have done.
A year or two ago I never thought about the price of things. The weekly shop come to such & such and that was that. I didn't buy value all the time, nor did I look and compare prices. I just saw what I wanted and put it in the trolley. I am finding with rising costs that this is simply idiotic these days. I was in tesco teaching DS how to work out which olive oil to buy and it struck me that I was actually working out the price per litre and then seeing which one was better value on a basic necessity like olive oil. This was really concerning.
When I was looking at it all, there were several thoughts going through my mind. Firstly was DS needs to be able to do this. He needs to be able to convert £1.25 per litre/kilo into mls/grams. He needs to work out how much per litre a 500ml bottle of oil costing £3.65 is etc.
Secondly, how cunning supermarkets are. For example there are 10 bottles of oil on the shelf. Some are 500mls, some 1 ltr, some 750. They all are labelled by price, but because of the sizing of the bottles, you still cant work out which is cheaper. They have 'tried' to make it easier by underneath putting the price per litre... but it is NOT uniform! Sometimes they put price per half litre or in mls, so for someone who cannot do basic maths, this is a minefield.
It struck me that they need to uniformly put the price per litre, or per ml or whatever and stick to it. But of course they are not going to.
DS and were looking at all these bottles of oil, and we were sat down on the floor in the aisle doing these sums. People were staring at us like we were mad. I said to DS "Which one looks the most expensive" and "Which one looks the cheapest?" He chose the Bertolli light olive oil as the most expensive because the label looks lovely. He chose the plain glass tesco bottle of oil as the cheapest because of the label too and also by the price tag. He was right about the most expensive. But wrong about the cheapest. Right next to the bottle of Tesco olive oil was another bottle which looked exactly the same size. It was dearer by about 25p though. However, when you looked VERY closely this bottle was 1litre of oil, and the glass one next to it was 750mls. The 1litre bottle was PLASTIC. It was exactly the same shape and size as the 750ml one, but was infact the cheapest. Now, just rushing through with screaming kids, Mrs Joe Bloggs would pick up the 750ml no doubt, because 25p is still 25p and would not notice that actually the other WAS cheaper.
I think this is like deception. It amounts to it. They cover the prices with jargon, put different prices, different sizes etc and it baffles one. Cunning. Obviously its their job to be, but I think it terrible. Going to such lengths as that to gain a few pence.
It doesn't stop there... you by loose apples because you see that the packaged ones are dearer. Then you keep doing that and what do you find, the packed apples are now cheaper!! so you go back to packed, then a few weeks later the loose are in again. They swap it to maximise their success and your loss.
Who goes shopping for a pint of milk and comes out with that pint costing £50. Its a time old saying, but I know I do! They swap the shelves, move products practically weekly to get you traipsing through the store in the hope that you will spot a bargain! How much more of this kind of thing that we don't notice? I always used to wonder why you could smell bread as you walked in the shop, but the bakery section was at the far back of the store... Hmmm.
Anyway, I am getting my veg from a local farm shop. I asked the lady there to make me up a box of veg and salad. That way I can go in, get the goods and leave and it cuts down on impulse buying. I find that I never have enough veg to last the week, so I go shopping purely for vegetables 2 or 3 times a week and end up come out with all kinds of other crap.
I am doing my main shopping in Lidl once per week.
I am buying my washing detergent ONLY from ALDI because their Liquid wash is £2 per bottle and it does 30 washes!!! That's Unreal! It washes really well too.
This way I figure I am going to save myself about £50 - £65 a week on my shopping bills.
Needs must when the devil drives.
band land... I am going to have a top up, I think I wrote that already, on Sunday. I have had a good day today... some prawns in a ginger and garlic sauce that I saved and froze from the other week and an apple. Not gonna get very fat on that huh.
Yesterday was a bit of a bad day... not because of over eating, but being sick. I cant remember what I had for breakfast... I think a muesli bar... then I went to the city to buy some stuff for our box day anniversary celebration which is on the 30th (will explain all later). I was really hungry and bought some spinach falafel from waitrose. I ate one and should have stopped. I didn't and ate another only to have to be sick later. Then we went to Lotse and Csilla's for dinner. They made fried chicken and mash and tiramisu. I had some chicken, but had to throw it back up. I managed the potato and also the two helpings of tiramisu. Yum!
Today I have also added a cereal bar to my daily food intake. I have no idea what we are doing for dinner, but I want something nice!
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Blessed relief
My brothers wedding was fabulous, and we had such a lovely time. They were so cute and in love and I am thrilled for them. The above was DS in his penguin suit as Paige Boy and Ring Bearer, and then one of my get up...
Check out the wedding 'cake'. What a nightmare for us bandsters huh? Thank goodness I hadn't had my band relaxed at the time of the wedding!! there was 240 Krispy Kreme Donuts and even a chocolate fountain in the evening. No I didn't succumb!
But back to banding... My appointment with Wendy went well on Sunday. I had a WHOLE millilitre out of my band.
I cant tell you how wonderful it feels. Strangely enough, although I never thought I could feel my band inside me, I must have been able to in some way because my chest actually feels different.
When I hopped on the table I told her I wanted all the fluid - everything - out of my band because I couldn't take it any more. she told me that 1 ml would be fine.
She said that when people are too tight she can tell. Its in their eyes and skin condition and general behaviour... lethargic and lacklustre all around. She said that I wasn't that tight because I looked healthy, rosy cheeks and was bright and attentive etc. Apparently some people are literally starving themselves and think they are going to be able to lose weight, but in fact the very opposite is true and they are seriously jeopardising their bands and the integrity of their stomach.
So when she stuck in the needle it immediately popped out fluid - a clear indication of tightness. She drew all 6.5mls out of my band to check for leaks, fluid loss, colouration etc and all was fine, then she just put 5.5mls back in.
I felt the relief immediately. I was hungry before having the fluid out as she doesn't like you to eat before a fill, so we went straight to KFC afterwards. I was able to COMFORTABLY eat half a twister. That was unbelievable. No puking, no worries, and a natural full feeling where I just wanted to stop eating.
I actually didn't eat anything else the rest of the day as it was about 5pm when we had the KFC anyway.
Yesterday I had a bit of crap carb day, and spent a lot of time in bed with horrible period pain, but today I am determined to not think about having a band and try and eat to satisfaction and stop. I don't want to push the band, and I don't want to overeat just because I might be able to.
So today's day started off with 28g muesli and skimmed milk - a previously unimagined delight.
Weight wise I was 15stone 8 according to the scales at the weightloss surgery group appointment. So that's good. Last time I weighed 16 stone 4, so at least I have lost 10 pounds since April.
Anyway, I am gonna crack on with this band lark and start behaving myself. No wine, no junk. Actually, it feels great to know I DON'T have to eat junk. I was relying on it to keep me going for the last couple of months, but now I can eat regular food its a real relief.
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Liquids and Mushies
Thanks for all your support guys.
I got a real telling off from Wendy at WLS Group. She told me to drink iced fluids for 24 hours and then liquids and soup until I see her on Sunday as I am totally jeopardising my band by being way too tight and sick so much. She said it was very dangerous to have stayed in that position and I should have got in touch with her immediately I noticed the amount of HMS'ing.
I have been very good. I did what she said all day Friday & Saturday. Sunday was a bit awful. TB was having some serious stress and I needed to be a chocolate eating partner with her, so I ingested my body weight in minstrels and had several glasses of vino too. Yesterday I had a little mashed potato and also muesli bar as well as yogurts etc.
Today I have been good too. I had a muesli bar with some milk for breakfast. For lunch I had a little bit of spaghetti that was left in the can after DS had spaghetti on toast for his lunch.
I have just consumed some nice biscuits soaked in coffee and that's probably going to me for the day. I might have a yogurt for dinner though.
I cant do liquids for a week. But puree and soft diet I can do. its a half way house.
I got a real telling off from Wendy at WLS Group. She told me to drink iced fluids for 24 hours and then liquids and soup until I see her on Sunday as I am totally jeopardising my band by being way too tight and sick so much. She said it was very dangerous to have stayed in that position and I should have got in touch with her immediately I noticed the amount of HMS'ing.
I have been very good. I did what she said all day Friday & Saturday. Sunday was a bit awful. TB was having some serious stress and I needed to be a chocolate eating partner with her, so I ingested my body weight in minstrels and had several glasses of vino too. Yesterday I had a little mashed potato and also muesli bar as well as yogurts etc.
Today I have been good too. I had a muesli bar with some milk for breakfast. For lunch I had a little bit of spaghetti that was left in the can after DS had spaghetti on toast for his lunch.
I have just consumed some nice biscuits soaked in coffee and that's probably going to me for the day. I might have a yogurt for dinner though.
I cant do liquids for a week. But puree and soft diet I can do. its a half way house.
Friday, 1 August 2008
Unfill booked
Right, my next trip to Harley street is on the 10th August at 1:00pm.
That's worked out well actually. we will be on the way back from my mums house on the Sunday anyway, so stopping off at Harley street on the way is purrrfect!
Yesterday was bad news. I got home from the meeting and went to bed with 4 trash magazines, a bottle of wine, a bar of cadburys caramel (not a little bar... the big 500g one!), a box of pringles and 3 packets of Worcester sauce flavour crisps and a 5 pack of kit kat chunky's!
I felt like total crap yesterday, emotionally, physically and mentally. I felt like I needed to go away for a while. I felt like I wanted to be on my own and have my own space for a while, do what I want to do and think about no one else. so it was nice having a couple of hours in bed on my own enjoying rubbish.
However, this morning I feel disappointed with myself. Sue really upset me and I was kicking back at her remarks. She is slim, 60, never had a weight problem and apparently all I needed to do was control my portions. Its easy apparently. I just needed to have a small piece of grilled protein and a salad and I would be fine. Now, I am so upset! Why didn't I just try and stop eating so much? OMG like I never thought of that. I have had a lap band. DEAR ME! Does she really think that I haven't tried EVERY DAMN THING IN THE WORLD.
There is not 1 thin person on earth that understands where fat people like me are coming from. I mean, if you got a bunch of us fatties together in a room, the reasons we all eat are so different from one another that even WE don't know why we do it, so how the HECK does she think she knows. I was furious.
I told her that for me, it was the swallowing part I love and infact it didn't matter what the food was I would just like to eat it. Apparently I was wrong, and I didnt enjoy that at all
She said:
" No, its the taste that makes people eat more. You just have to control yourself. Everyone gets to a point when they are full and they cant eat any more or they are sick. Its just greed"
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What a moron. I hate thin people who think that we are gluttonous hogs. That is so TOTALLY wrong. I eat because I feel RUBBISH. I eat because I feel good, I eat because I lost weight and because I want to lose more and I eat because I don't lose weight.
Someone needs to find out what the hell is going on in our heads because it is NOT just a case of control.
I gave up fags. If I can do that I think I have pretty damn strong will power.
I cannot control my urge to eat.
So I was real pee'd off last night and felt really vulnerable and like some fat common dumb hick idiot who is just ignorant or something and only has enough brain cells to work a can opener.
She also said "I don't think overweight people realise that if they just have 3 small portioned meals a day that they would lose weight"
And when I said "Of course we do. We have been to EVERY damn slimming group and know all the rules and the do's and don'ts. We can follow it for a time, but we just eventually give up because the desire to eat is stronger than the desire to be slim."
"But its not like you don't care about what you look like, because you do..."
"Yes, I really do care what I look like but I don't care enough to stop eating. Infact I eat more because I look so grim"
"well put a picture of your self on the fridge and that will stop you"
I took her to my fridge and showed her the 2 full sized nude me's. 1 at my fattest and one at 2 stone less. " I have done that. It doesn't disgust me enough to stop me eating."
" Well it should"
WHAT A BITCH. She might as well have looked me in the eye and told me I was a disgrace to humanity and I was greedy and gluttonous and disgusting and ignorant and that I have no control and am basically an animal.
Well, maybe its true. But let me think about that a little more. You live in my house.
That's right, you are a 60+ year old woman living in MY house, in the small box room.
You have no idea the amount of stuff I have been through, or the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't be able to do.
Just as I don't know what stuff you have been through, I don't comment on why a woman of 60+ is living in the box room of a young family, when they have 3 grown up children who were private boarding school educated, are now married and living all over the world with posh jobs etc. You have the poshest voice outside of Knightsbridge. You don't fit in here at all, and your kids don't even care enough about you to give you a duvet and pillow on their sofa.
You are getting back what you gave out.
I know I would choose being a unhappy fatty, dying young of diabetes or something and any day rather than squatting in a room and knowing that my 3 kids do not give a crud about me.
That's worked out well actually. we will be on the way back from my mums house on the Sunday anyway, so stopping off at Harley street on the way is purrrfect!
Yesterday was bad news. I got home from the meeting and went to bed with 4 trash magazines, a bottle of wine, a bar of cadburys caramel (not a little bar... the big 500g one!), a box of pringles and 3 packets of Worcester sauce flavour crisps and a 5 pack of kit kat chunky's!
I felt like total crap yesterday, emotionally, physically and mentally. I felt like I needed to go away for a while. I felt like I wanted to be on my own and have my own space for a while, do what I want to do and think about no one else. so it was nice having a couple of hours in bed on my own enjoying rubbish.
However, this morning I feel disappointed with myself. Sue really upset me and I was kicking back at her remarks. She is slim, 60, never had a weight problem and apparently all I needed to do was control my portions. Its easy apparently. I just needed to have a small piece of grilled protein and a salad and I would be fine. Now, I am so upset! Why didn't I just try and stop eating so much? OMG like I never thought of that. I have had a lap band. DEAR ME! Does she really think that I haven't tried EVERY DAMN THING IN THE WORLD.
There is not 1 thin person on earth that understands where fat people like me are coming from. I mean, if you got a bunch of us fatties together in a room, the reasons we all eat are so different from one another that even WE don't know why we do it, so how the HECK does she think she knows. I was furious.
I told her that for me, it was the swallowing part I love and infact it didn't matter what the food was I would just like to eat it. Apparently I was wrong, and I didnt enjoy that at all
She said:
" No, its the taste that makes people eat more. You just have to control yourself. Everyone gets to a point when they are full and they cant eat any more or they are sick. Its just greed"
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What a moron. I hate thin people who think that we are gluttonous hogs. That is so TOTALLY wrong. I eat because I feel RUBBISH. I eat because I feel good, I eat because I lost weight and because I want to lose more and I eat because I don't lose weight.
Someone needs to find out what the hell is going on in our heads because it is NOT just a case of control.
I gave up fags. If I can do that I think I have pretty damn strong will power.
I cannot control my urge to eat.
So I was real pee'd off last night and felt really vulnerable and like some fat common dumb hick idiot who is just ignorant or something and only has enough brain cells to work a can opener.
She also said "I don't think overweight people realise that if they just have 3 small portioned meals a day that they would lose weight"
And when I said "Of course we do. We have been to EVERY damn slimming group and know all the rules and the do's and don'ts. We can follow it for a time, but we just eventually give up because the desire to eat is stronger than the desire to be slim."
"But its not like you don't care about what you look like, because you do..."
"Yes, I really do care what I look like but I don't care enough to stop eating. Infact I eat more because I look so grim"
"well put a picture of your self on the fridge and that will stop you"
I took her to my fridge and showed her the 2 full sized nude me's. 1 at my fattest and one at 2 stone less. " I have done that. It doesn't disgust me enough to stop me eating."
" Well it should"
WHAT A BITCH. She might as well have looked me in the eye and told me I was a disgrace to humanity and I was greedy and gluttonous and disgusting and ignorant and that I have no control and am basically an animal.
Well, maybe its true. But let me think about that a little more. You live in my house.
That's right, you are a 60+ year old woman living in MY house, in the small box room.
You have no idea the amount of stuff I have been through, or the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't be able to do.
Just as I don't know what stuff you have been through, I don't comment on why a woman of 60+ is living in the box room of a young family, when they have 3 grown up children who were private boarding school educated, are now married and living all over the world with posh jobs etc. You have the poshest voice outside of Knightsbridge. You don't fit in here at all, and your kids don't even care enough about you to give you a duvet and pillow on their sofa.
You are getting back what you gave out.
I know I would choose being a unhappy fatty, dying young of diabetes or something and any day rather than squatting in a room and knowing that my 3 kids do not give a crud about me.
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