The last few days....

My my my.

I need a holiday man.

Mina has left the building. I gave her an ultimatum that was too good to resist and she left.
I was so fed up with her chain smoking in the garden and leaving her buts by the back door and coming in all red blotchy and moody from having yet another row and subsequent crying fit with Ricky.

After my last post, I had a chocolate fest. I ate (in the space of 1 hour):
2 toblerones
1 bounty
1 mars
1 twix
1 kitkat chunky
1 bar galaxy
1 snickers
and swigged it all down with ropey sweet sherry.

I lost the absolute plot. I was totally stressed out. I was so stressed just sitting on the sofa that my tummy and port were actually hurting again!

I didn't think I stress ate, but I obviously do, especially when its coming up to 'that dreaded time' too.

I sat up chatting until 2am with Mina about this and that and the other.

On Friday DH took her to college, and I picked her up (btw college is 8 miles away) and on the way home I decided that I just wanted her gone. It simply wasn't going to get any better. She was going home later on that night anyway, so I thought I would plant my little seed again and set it out before her since she had now had nearly a whole day to think about her situation etc.

I gave her an hour to decide and she jumped. I went to work at 2:00pm and said goodbye then as by the time I got home from work I knew she would be gone.

DH was really angry - not at her, but at Ricky for ruining her chances more than anything.
A Bulgarian in the UK with no family, no money, no qualifications or training and no chance of getting a normal job as they aren't allowed unless she is self employed, abused mentally by her boyf', been through all kinds of rubbish growing up in a country with an alcoholic Dad, and neglectful mother and only 21. Suddenly she is living for free in a house with her own room, anything she wants, a college course that will enable her to be self employed and money in her pocket.

She left to get the bus at 5:45 and on the way out she said "Am I doing the right thing?" and he said "To be honest, I don't think so Mina." and then she said "No, I don't think so either..." and left. What a silly girl.

She still has some stuff here, so I am wondering if she is hedging her bets...

Friday night was strange. I was worried about her and hoping he would treat her well etc. He is a such a manipulative guy. Hes like a 5 year old begging for sweets, wearing his Mum down until shes too weak to do anything else.

She says, its what she is used to.

If she finishes the course at college I will be amazed.

Friday was hard work, at work and at home. I cant even remember what I ate but I think it was less than 1800 cals.

Yesterday was well tiring. I was up at 8am, and out to work at 9. I worked all day until 6pm when I met my boys at the swimming pool to go for a quick dip. DH thought it would be good and as I finish near the pool on a Saturday evening, it was a really cool idea.

Today has been good so far.
I have had 2 weetabix for breakfast, a prawns salad for lunch and one of those Nutrigrain Oat Baked Bar's as a snack. I am exhausted from the last few days though. I just want to go to bed and sleep.

DH has downloaded the last 5 episodes of Heroes that I haven't seen yet. He watched the series back in April and May and said it was great, but I wasn't interested. However he talked about it so damn much that I thought I would give it a go. Its BRILLIANT. Well strange, but fabulously acted/written and cast. I cant explain what its about as I still don't know!! HA HA. He is watching the first series again with me so that I can catch up in time to watch the new series which is screening in America right now. He has 6 episodes of that so far too, so no doubt we shall be catching that up too soon.
If you haven't seen it, I suggest starting at the beginning. Its not the sort of thing you can pick up a couple of episodes into at all.

Right, I am off to do something other than be on this machine.
cheerio

Wanting to trust but just can't quite go the whole distance

Yesterday I decided to just get on with it and keep going.
I walked 3 and a half miles (1 hours) and then biked home (20 minutes) and was well pleased as I got in through the front door, got changed and then went immediately back out to work again until 10pm. I got home and had a jacket potato with beans and cheese (counted before you ask!! HA HA)

So yesterday's food consisted of:

Quaker Oats real fruit porridge - 2 servings
5 apples
jacket potato
baked beans
30g cheese
2 glasses of vino.

Not bad.

Today I am going to update later... so keep posted. I am in the middle of cooking, and I shall explain the title above later on... How thrilling, bet y'all cant wait!

**Update**

Ok, so its today and I got up and had to take Mina to college. Then I did a tesco shop and used Dad's £49 worth of vouchers - cheers Dad!
I hadn't eaten anything and it was 11am. I then had a breakdown and succumbed to a Kellogg's rice crispies square.

We got home and I had a call from TB... she has been cut off from the Internet for like EVER, and was re connected by her provider, but needed help getting it all back up and running. So I popped round there. Hassle after hassle ensued, and it was not working (poxy Virgin changed all the passwords and stuff and never bothered to tell them! Obviously the name Virgin is a good name for them as they simply don't know how to do anything!) So I ate half a tub of houmous and 10 Finn Crisp thins for my lunch whilst there.

When I came home I was dithering about feeling 'spacious'. That's all I can describe it as. I don't even know if that describes how I was feeling, but pretty vacant and empty in the head. So I thought I would grab a little nap. I grabbed another rice crispie square on the way up the stairs :o( ooops

Anyway, when I got up I felt a lot better, and I prepared dinner. I made BBQ but in the house! Corn on the cob, chicken goujons with a crispy coating (bbq sauce then rolled in breadcrumbs and fin crisp crumbs. well lush), also baked new potatoes, baked red peppers and a helping of coleslaw. It was well yummy.

Apparently I have today had 1400 cals. Now this is the reason for my post title. I feel so full and treated with the squares etc that I feel like I will put on weight, and certainly not like I will lose, or even be underneath my calorie intake for the day, but there we go. So I am not totally trusting it at all, although I have double checked and the entries on the daily plate are correct according to my packages.

So today's food:
kellogs rice crispie square x 2
3 slices of chicken with bbq sauce and crumb oven baked
1 corn on the cob
half long red pepper baked
4 baked baby new potato's - yes the tiny ones
50g of coleslaw
3 glasses wine - so far (will be a hell of a lot more than that I can tell you - see below)

Why can't I trust that I am doing ok...

Why is it that if I feel good then I think i must have shagged my diet?

Why is it that I cant just eat pigging normally and not get a stupid guilt trip?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Ok, diet talk over.

I am having a F***ING crisis.
I am absolutely totally and completely annoyed with Mina.

She is so stupid its untrue. She is being mentally abused by her boyfriend and is willing to ditch her college, her job and everything else (life!) for this w***er who messes with her mind.
I can be bothered to go into all the things 'My Ricky' has done, but its amazing in such a short time.

She is at this moment out down the shop to get fags because she cant deal with the situation I put before her.

I cant be bothered to go into long details as its too DAMN tiring, but she is messing us about and I am fed up being taken for a soft touch.

I told her tonight that we needed a little chat. I said that I was fed up with her just taking time off whenever she felt like it, and expecting lifts to college and back to the City at the weekends and stuff and that she needed to choose. Did she want the job or did she want to go back to 'My Ricky'... today.

Well funnily enough she didn't want to go immediately. I pay for her college in leau of her pocket money for cleaning. So if she wanted to walk out of the door right now, then she would owe me about £125 as I pay by direct debit. Hey I am a nice person right and I will do anyone a favour if they show me some respect. I actually think i must be a flaming moron. I am just being taken for granted.

She says to DH this evening (whilst he is picking her up after college as she missed her lift home) that she was going to have to talk to me as she needs (yeah NEEDS) to go to a Sex Pistols concert in London on Thursday night, and obviously she should be working. DH was fuming and told me I was being taken for a mug.
He said nothing, just mentioned to me that that will NOT be happening.

I know you guys don't know our lives, or the ins and outs of our daily life, but we are more than fair ok. I know some people who mess people about and use their aupairs as slaves and stuff, but we really don't. She has one damn good life living with us and she wants for nothing - and yes, I know that of course I would say that, but I really am being straight up.

She took 2 weeks randomly off last week just - because. No reason other than 'My Ricky' wants to play with her mind. Its a case of he says jump, and she asks how high would he like that jump to be.

Anyway, I was fuming, but went off to the meeting anyway, and on the way as I am telling J, who I take every week, about it all, DS pipes up with "Yeah Mummy, and she said to me "If I could just pay your parents what I owe them I would do it and go home." "

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I MEAN --- WHAT???

I dropped J off at the meeting and turned the car round.

I got home and immediately sent DS to play PS2. I called her in for a chat and I was right. It is Ricky putting pressure on her. The poor girl doesn't know which way to jump. Its horrible. she doesn't want to leave us because she owes us money - even though I actually said to her "I actually cant handle this any more Mina, if you want to go, then go now and we shall forget all about the money you owe us or stay and make sure you work a full week."

Can you believe it! She turned down walking away and not having to repay £125 and is still here thinking about it.

I really think she doesn't actually want to be with the guy, but cant bear to take the jump into the unknown.

I have no idea whats going on with her, and I cant make the decisions for her, I cant really advise her because I know its pointless.

All I need to know now is whether she is going to stay and I can rely on her, or whether she is going and then I can get cracking on finding someone new.

ahhhhh
Exhausted.

Weigh Day - Way Hey - 9 months + 1 week post banding

Hey all you Band lovers...

Its exactly 9 months and 1 week since I stumped up £4000.00 ($8000) to have my band and change my dumb fat life.

I have lost an amazing, whopping, mahoosive 5 pounds

How totally cool is that?

NOT
*sarcasm drips from lips*
Roll on 27th November 2007. Oh look - its another date where my life might actually being again.

Official weight 17 stone 9 pounds (247lbs)

Yawnnnn - but heres the daily update

Today = good

Breakfast = slice of bread
Lunch = 4 fish fingers and chips
Dinner = egg noodles, passata, tiger prawns and curry powder
Lashings of wine

Still under the 1800, just, although I have no idea how. I am feeling cool and cucumber like.

Replying to random messages on my hotmail address, and trying to sort out another housekeeper... Yes! She is leaving us in December. How bizarre. Her miserable Boyf' finally put the nail in the coffin because he was (get this!) 'crying' when she got on the bus Monday morning as he couldn't bear for her to be away for 5 days. Ahhh Diddums. What a criminally rubbish thing to do to a person. The poor girl was in tears Monday evening saying she didn't know whether to ditch college or what. We agreed on a plan where the Boyf' (idiot and manipulative son of Beeyatch that he is and actually 30 years old not 15 like it would seem) gets his way and has her at home to wash his socks and... yeah well. She gets to continue college thereby giving her an escape route if she needs one in the future (she will!) and gives me 6 weeks to find a replacement. Greeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaatttt.

I really need this stress man.

I have posted a couple of ads. One that I am renting out the room for £50 a week, the other offering dosh + board for a housekeeper. Which ever one is sorted first wins. It would be nice to be £200 a month better off, but then it also would be nice to have clean ironed socks in the drawers!

ohhhhhhhh why oh why does everything have to be so damn difficult? Everything starts to be great, and then KABOOM. Bunny is left with the smoking wreckage.

I cant wait till I go to Belgium and sort this ruddy band out. If it wasn't for the band, I wouldn't need a sodding housekeeper anyway. If I could bend over and feed the cats, or do the washing etc without getting gut rot for 3 days, it would be a miracle.

Lets hope they will see the problem and sort it there and then.

Anything else happen today? Had a spa pedicure and my nails done... took ages as always but looks fabulous.

Anything else? No...

Random day in the life of me... how boring

I have no idea if anyone cares about what I get up to in my daily life, or if they just want info about what I can do now I am banded... but I guess both must go hand in hand. If you don't know who I am or what I care about, my reactions to banding would not make sense sometimes I guess. It makes my journey unique. Uniquely boring maybe but hey that's life.

Today has been boring.

I did work with DS for the most part of the morning, he does his handwriting, Meleto, maths worksheets and spellings with little input from me, but together we have to go through the book Toe by Toe which teaches reading to dyslexics. I have found that its just good to teach how to read full stop! This is the only tool I have used to get DS to read, and its worked. It worked in about 4 months actually, but as he gets older, he needs to know harder words and stuff... so we are about halfway through that book. Its a fortune at £25.00 but the best £25 I have ever spent. If your kid is struggling to read, then GET IT!!!

Toe by Toe by Keda cowling and Harry Cowling ISBN 0952256401

Then I had to go to work. I had 10 lessons today. From 3:30pm until 9:00pm. Considering the money I get for this, people would think that this is one sweet job, but its not. Its damn hard work. I have done other jobs. Its easier to sit at a checkout for 12 hours straight that do 2 piano lessons back to back. Its in fact like have 10 separate jobs. Yes, you are doing the same thing - teaching music, but every pupil is so totally different - emotionally, socially, physically and mentally - that my mind has to do somersaults to get into mode. I guess you could say its like working half an hour at Tesco, then half an hour at Co-Op, then Sainsburys, then Morrisons, then Asda, then Tesco again, then Kwik-Save, then Rainbow then One Stop, then finally the local Corner Shop.

I have to drive to each pupils house too, so it really IS like this. Also, I don't get a chance to get myself comfortable, and then get into a routine - its BANG straight in.

"Hello there Johnny? Had a nice week? Right, play C major both
hands together for 2 octaves please..."

...whilst I scrabble for a pen, their notebook (usually under a pile of crap or the piano itself) and also concentrate and see if they are doing it right. Phew. 10 times.

Its completely exhausting. Then when I get home, I have to make the dinner. Yes. I got home at 9:30 last night, and could not be bothered in any way shape or form to cook. So I ordered pizza. I counted it all, don't worry, but you can see why the takeaway shops LOVE us. I work 3 days in the week, and Saturday. So before banding it was usually 3 takeaways a week if not more!! HA HA.

I have tried the whole Pollyanna thing, where I make a lovely wholesome soup or casserole or something so that I can eat it the minute I get in, but it just doesn't last. I am one of these people that I like to get in the kitchen and think, "Hmmm what do i fancy?" and normally its not what I made earlier in the day. Even the same with ready meals. It still takes 30 minutes to get the thing out, nuked and on a plate, where as all I want to do is sit on my (fat) arse when I get in. I would still rather flop on the sofa pick up the phone and wait 30 minutes for it to be delivered. It makes me feel good that someone else is running around for me!

I MUST get more organised and stop being so stupid about food.

Wow, that was easy to say. Lets see if I can do it. *cynical snort*

So yeah, that was my day.

I had nothing for breakfast as I was in bed.
I had 3 slices of bread made into sandwiches with tomato and salad creme for lunch
I had 3 slices of pizza for dinner.

Total calories for the day were just over 1500.

Well its weigh in time tomorrow. We shall see. I actually expect I will be higher than 17stone 5 because I really was so ill after that fill, that a lot of that loss must have been fluid. I am not setting myself up for a fall, but just being brutally honest. I don't expect to lose 2 pounds like the daily plate reckons. But next week maybe I will have. This has sort of been my trial week of getting used to it all. Its been easy peasy!

Then I went to bed.

Oh No work tomorrow... :'o(

And so the half term ends... Back to the grind.

I spent the whole time flat on my back in bed, so I feel kind of cheated, but at least I had a jolly good rest.

Next holidays - 7 weeks and counting!! HURRAH I am sure I can get through that. Then we are off to sunny Moscow...!?!?!

Our Visa's arrived stuck into our passports. Its well cool. All that Russian lettering and stuff. I haven't got a clue of what it says, but there we go! HA HA

Today has been pretty dull.

Food:
Brekkie was boring, 2 weetabix and milk.

For lunch I made pancakes for DS and me. DH was having slimfast. I thought that would be pretty terrific calorie wise, but actually it turned out fine. I made a batch of batter, and it made 12 pancakes. I added up all the ingredients and split it two ways and it turned out to be something like 540 cals which was not bad for that. Thats less than the spag bol i made the other day!! Random!

I cant actually remember how many pancakes I ate, I lost count after 2. I think it was either 4 or 5, but I am not completely sure. I know I had 1 with cheese and at least 2 with lemon... so I think its probably 4... But I took the calories for 6 right there on the chin just because it was a hell of a lot more simple!

Dinner was a super quick curry. It was made with the curry powder from Sri Lanka, onion, passata, coconut cream and green lentils and then I cooked up 6 tiger prawns to go with it. I had 100g of rice too. So that was a pretty good meal too. Haven't had anything else since 6, so that was that really. Sri Lankan curries are the best. No oil, thick sauce made with roasting the spices and adding passata, awesome - and SO tasty! I didn't have any peaches, otherwise I would have shoved some of those in too. MMMMMmmmm

So that was me grub.

I went on a bike ride this afternoon and burnt off 390 cals too!! HEY HEY

Total cals for today, 1144. After burning off 390 - net cal intake 754! Coooooool

Looking forward to Wednesday to see if I have indeed lost 2 pounds. I am wondering if it will be a true reading simply because I lost a lot of weight over the few days on liquids and little food after the fill... We shall see.

I really like the daily plate because it calculates how many cals you have burned according to YOU not just some generic female. Thats great. DH didn't burn as much cals as me HA!

Watched a film in Spanish tonight called Maria full of Grace. More like Maria full of Gear! She was a drug mule from Columbia. Its pretty shocking how people get tempted into that life really. It was a really good film, gripping. Imagine a kinder surprise egg. The toy is inside a little cartridge thingy... try swallowing some of them and you will get the idea. Not fun.

Night night peeps

Spent loads of money... again

Uhhhhh we spent loads of money today.
We bought DH a new laptop and other associated gumpf.

We sorted out the office cum classroom at home and shortened DS's desk so that mine and his fit side by side. That way, I can keep a better eye on him out of the side of my vision. He slacks off a little bit too much for my liking. We bought the new laptop so that DS can have the old one. I say old, its only about 6 months old and totally too much for whatever he will use it for, but his one, which was really ancient and outdated wouldn't run ANY of his schooling programme like http://www.time4learning.com/ or http://www.meleto.com/ or http://www.raz-kids.com/ or http://www.wizardsspell.com/

I was getting a bit frustrated at having him on my PC and me wandering about doing nothing whilst he got on with it. a real waste of my time to be honest. So this way, I am right here for him should he need help, and also I can get along with my work too.

I tell you what though, home schooling is not the cheap option it seems to be. We spend an absolute fortune on stuff. Mind you, I wouldn't have it any other way, and its still cheaper than private!

Whilst we were out I got a couple of tester pots of paint. I am going to change the colour of our bedroom. I painted it Dutch Gold about a year ago. I didn't like it from the moment of the first brush stroke, but DH persuaded me that it might look better dry. I knew by the time I had finished one wall that I hated it. So I have justified the cost to myself and the stress and upheaval and I am now considering doing it again.

I am going to go for green. I have never had a green room in my life. I don't know why I think it will look nice, or why I am choosing green, but I think it just needs to be green. Green is a fresh colour and a cool one. At the moment with the Dutch Gold its like a warm womb. It feels stifling and hot and horrible. I hate it. I think Green will be refreshing. so I have plastered a couple of squares on the wall to see what tone I want. I don't think you can get a good idea just like that anyway, but at least I can make sure it will go with the curtains!

Food today. Pretty weird.

I have had:

1 banana
1apple
9 chicken nuggets
1 french fires
2 slices bread with baked beans

I have consumed about 1400 calories so far, and am way under % on all my fat/carb/protein etc

So I have a theory about myself.
Maybe... just maybe the times I think I have blown it, I actually haven't! I know that when I ate the nuggets and chips for lunch (quite a lot for 11.75mls in a band right! HA HA) I thought, "Oh, I have blown today. Well I will go easy with supper, I can have one day off" and stuff like that.

When I actually put it into the daily plate, I realise that I probably chose wisely for a fast food dinner. That meant I don't feel guilty or starved, and I am coming in well under my 1800 target cals per day. How good is that?

If I had been on slimmingworld, I would have had like 'shed load' syns, and be feeling proper crud and sending hubby to the shop to get me some sweets or something. But slimmingworld make up their syns reckoning on having a load of free food as well. So of course you would be over budget on cals. However, I haven't had anything else apart from the above, so I am fine.

This has really pleased me. I think i can see light at the end of the tunnel.

also although I obviously don't have 11.75 mls in my band but more like 5mls, I really am getting my hopes up and thinking the band is working. I know I am not choking, or only eating a mouthful and then pushing my plate away, but I am having NO TROUBLE eating less than 1800 cals a day. Its dead easy. Now I have the tools, making sure I stick to it is simple as. Its the not knowing and our own stupid minds thinking we have done badly.

Thanks Daily Plate and thanks *ahem* band.

YAY, I'm out of bed!! HURRAH HURRAH

Got up this morning, yes I REALLY did, and came downstairs with the family.

Ok... sounds a bit good to be true, and I am sort of fibbing.

I got up at 10am when DH came home from collecting his bike. He got it repaired and had to pick it up this morning, so He went and got it. I did however get up on his return and iron his shirt and then came downstairs with him and had coffee whilst he had his breakfast (slimfast poor soul!).

So I think that was a valiant attempt at returning to the world.

I am feeling 100% today. I have been gingerly going about the daily tasks, but so far, so good!

I took DS to see the film The Seeker: The Dark is Rising.

Last night when he said he wanted to watch it I thought it sounded really scary... akin to Nightmare on Elm Street or something, especially as it being around the Satanic Festival of Halloween. *Shudders*

But it turned out to be a classic tale of Boy is rubbished by family, turns out he is a really cool dude destined to save the world, is now held in awe by his family and does indeed save the world. It had Ian McShane of Lovejoy fame and also Christopher Ecclestone from Dr. Who.
It was really enjoyable.

There were MASSIVE queue's to see Ratatouille, but there was 4 families in our screen. How cool. I really love going when its empty. But... is it me or do they pump in ice cold air to freeze you slowly to death half way through. That place is always sooooo cold! I think DS has hypothermia setting in.

Food today:
2 boiled eggs and 1 slice of bread and butter
1 packet of minstrels
spaghetti bolognese

And thanks to my splendiferous calorie counter I know that I have had 1095 cals so far today.

I am feeling good. I know I shouldn't have had those minstrels, but I didn't have anything else for lunch, so I figure I would have eaten something about that many cals anyway.

If I think about eating the bad foods, they go around and around and around in my head and make me feel guilty which makes me eat more, so I am dismissing them as my lunch. I mean, my dinner has more calories than them.

I am surprised actually at how many calories is in a standard Spag Bol. just mince, onion, carrot, tomato and pasta and its a whopping 600 cals. Maybe that's not bad, but I think its a lot compared to yesterdays chicken and jacket etc. I guess its the combination of two heavy calorific items (meat and pasta). I wll have to think about that some more. Maybe eating pasta with just vegetable sauces rather than meat will be easier for me to keep under the 1000 cals.

Not too bothered however as have been under my 1800 goal.

We are off to DH's Mum's pub this evening to do a Karaoke. Oh Joy. I cant think of a more unpleasant evening. Mind you at least its a smoke free place now, which goes a long way to make it bearable.

I will update this if i have anything significant to add, but I doubt it.

Take it easy!

Ok, here's an update, there is no way I could eat a whole portion of spaghetti, so I went for half a portion. Instead of 75g I had 35g which makes a big dent in my cal intake. I have now had only 973 cals.

After I have actually eaten this meal, It might be less, but I can only count it as a 3rd of the whole lot... so its on the over estimating side, which is good for me!

Just feeling fragile now

Spent the whole of today in bed. Got up at 5:15pm and got dressed for the first time in 6 days.
This has been a particularly bad fill. It usual to have 3 or 4 days sore, but I guess with the infection, it takes its toll a little more.

I was tempted to try and clean the house up today, but I decided that it really was best for me to just stay put, and now I am glad because I don't have any pain in my side at all... it just feels a bit delicate so I am simply being really careful walking about and bending and things.

This has been THE worst time for our H.K. to take a week off. I was so looking forward to Wednesday when she was coming back, but she phoned and asked for an extension until Monday. To be honest, It doesn't bother me, I just get to save my money but I do think she is taking a bit of a liberty to be honest. If you phoned up after being on holiday for a week and asked for another 5 days what would your boss say...? Hmm. Yeah "NO!" springs to mind. But there we go. Her next holiday will be on the 20th December when we all go to Russia. We get back on the 30th December, and then are going to France on the 2nd January for a week, so she will have a nice long holiday then. I don't think I am being unfair to be honest. She goes home every Friday afternoon until Monday evening every week anyway, so she is pushing it a bit I think.

anyway, I am not bothered to be honest. Its one less mouth to feed for a week when I am not working.

Today's food:
Breakfast:
2 Weetabix with milk and 2 tsp sugar
Coffee

Lunch:
1 tomato and 1 shape lasting sensation yogurt
1 pint squash

Snack:
8 grapes

Dinner:
1 small Jacket potato, 3 chicken breast strips/goujons and peas and sweetcorn.

So pretty good day today. I will update this portion if there is anything significant to add.

I have to say that obviously I am in bed all day, and I am trying with all my might to restrict the food intake so that when I feel full I stop, or once I have finished what I am eating, wait 20 minutes and see if I am full or not. So far its been working, but I must stress that I know I could have had 3 weetabix, and I know I would have preferred more than just a tomato and yogurt for my dinner... but I haven't been up for 6 days guys. I am conscious too that time in bed = no calories burnt... So I have to be even more careful. I think I can keep it up at least till I see Dr. Dillemans by which time he will fill me up some more and hopefully we shall be cooking on gas!

That said, it has shown me how I just assume that I need more food, when infact I don't. I am perfectly content with everything I have eaten today. I am looking forward to my dinner but I am not starving hungry. Its a case of cravings. If I am eating something I like, then I want more. Pretty easy equation I guess. So this is where I have my battle. I WANT more, but i don't actually NEED more.

It struck me last night as I was watching a programme about a 34 stone teenager who lived in Lincoln that there is no help for us. We don't get a dieting equivalent to methadone. We don't get a dieting equivalent to nicotine. We cant even do cold turkey like an alcoholic. We have to have our drug every day. No wonder this is the hardest struggle ever. Once you are 'addicted' to food then you are going to have a continuous battle for the rest of your life.

There must be a reason I get low and eat, or I get worried and eat, or something. Why don't I get worried and go for a run..? or shooting or something. I wish I could unravel this knot of misery. Why cant someone invent patches with the happy hormone serotonin when we feel like eating a mars bar, or a patch with endorphines to make us feel happy when we are low.

Jeez. I could go on and on. The worst thing is that we have to keep taking our 'drug' to survive, and no ones ever going to quit giving up crack cocaine by having a hit 3 times a day, so how are we going to do this, and how come others don't get this?

DH is of playing badminton with TB's husband tonight and I know that DS is itching to go with them. I hope they take him as he has been such a good boy these last few days. All going well with my port pain and all that we are going to take him to the Robin Hood Experience on Saturday. Should be good! They do banquets there in the evening from 7pm until 1am for £40 a person. Why didn't I know that before I got banded!! RARR I would well loved to go to that.
We toyed with the idea of having a medieval banquet for our 10th wedding anniversary before we decided to go to Sri Lanka. Boo Hoo.

Oh, and some cool news... we are going to Malta next year for our summer holiday. It wont be the same luxurious holiday that we had this year, but its still a 4* place and looks really good. Lots to do and nice and hot! YAY. Hopefully I will be MUCH lower in June 2008 than I was this year. So we have 3 holidays to look forward to:

Moscow on 21st December
France on 2nd January
Malta on 5th June

Yipee
I am really looking forward to Russia. Our visa will be back tomorrow, and that's going to be well cool to see a Russian visa in our passports. We are coming back on the train via Latvia. So we are going to catch the train in Moscow at 9pm on the 28th on December and travel through the night in a sleeping compartment to Riga in Latvia. It goes via all kinds of Russian towns including St. Petersburg. WOW. We will see a lot when we wake up in the morning and it will be a great experience for us all especially DS. He is one well travelled boy!

Just joined a REALLY cool calorie counting programme. http://www.thedailyplate.com/
You can use it for free to calculate how many cals you have had each day, but I actually joined as it was only £18.00 for the year. It will help me keep track of my food intake and I can be sure of cals too. If I am not going to slimmingworld, then I like to have something to chart myself with.
Check it out

My stats for today:
They say I should aim for 1800 cals to lose 2 pounds a week. Interesting.

Totals & % of my recommended daily intake

Cals 866 43.3%

Fat 6g 9.32%
Cholesterol 80mg 26.67%
Sodium 1,175mg 48.97%
Carbs 163g 54.47%
Sugars 65g n/a
Fibre 24g n/a
Protein 55g 110.36%

Getting cabin fever...

I am so bored.

Today the pain is much the same as yesterday, except it has migrated a little bit lower. If you put your hand on your left hip and slide it along the lower half of your stomach where your leg meets your belly towards the crotch, that's the area that hurts. All of that. From the hip to just above bikini line. Strange doesn't cover it. When I walk about I am holding up my tummy like I did after I had my Caesarean, only a little bit to the left.

pwhhhh *blows air out of lips in bored way and sags shoulders slightly*

I have decided that I am not going to put my latest photo on the website at the moment. I know when viewing it there will be a blip, and I really want to be able to contrast as I lose, and I wont be able to do that if I put a pic of me now on there. You guys know I am having a struggle, and the dates of the photo obviously will show something went awry, so the next Photo will be when I hit 16 stone flat out. There are 14 pounds in a stone so that's 224. That will mean I have lost exactly 2 stone or 28 pounds.

The scales were the same this morning, so no change today.

Food for today:
1 tub of tesco finest prawn cocktail (200g) a shocking 600cals
1 packet of asda 8p noodles 317 cals
3 HOME MADE crispy duck pancakes. Heavy on the cucumber and onion.


At the Chinese restaurant you get half a duck for a shed load of money, so on the way back from my last fill I stopped off at the oriental supermarket and picked up the exact same half duck for a LOT less. I bought a couple of packets of the thin pancakes and a jar of hoisin sauce to go with it. At the Chinese they also deep fry this bird once defrosted. I oven baked mine cutting out most of the fat problem. So that wonderful succulent juicy meat, is actually just a whole load of oil, but mine tasted exactly the same flavour wise but is just a little dryer.

We didn't have anything else, just this and DH had 8 pancakes and DS had 4.

I know I have had a little too much as I can feel it sat at the top of my band a little bit like very mild indigestion. I also have an itchy back right in the middle, but it feels like the itch is deep inside. I could and should have stopped at 2 pancakes to be honest.

Breaking lifetime habits are WELL 'ARD

Oooooh I just had the smallest of smallest of smallest of PB's. I just burped and a little something sharp tasting hit the back of my throat. I kind of have a vague pressure pain in my back between my shoulder blades... its not uncomfortable, but its weird and definitely band area -sort of itchy annoying from the inside and comes in waves. Its totally forgettable, but because of doing this I am noticing it and detailing it. Oooh Yeah, theres another one. Must be the food stopped at the top of my band. ACE

Not going to go getting hopes up too much though. We shall see. I think if I had eaten any more I would be in pain right now though...

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Anyway, the portions I have been eating are major small, and I am not getting hungry between meals. When I start thinking about food, its around the right time of day, so that's good.

Wow, I know I would have been in trouble if I had eaten any more! Jeez. Glad to have stopped when I did.

8 months and 9 days since banding

I am gonna do a resume of my banding

Firstly, lets refresh stats.

BANDED Dr. Dillemans in Bruges 14th February 2007 - 18 stone - 252lbs - 114.5kg

#1 fill (Clayson) - 15th March 2007 - 4ml (cc's and ml's are exactly the same)

#2 fill (Clayson) - 26th April 2007 - 1 ml - total 5ml in a 10 ml band
#3 fill (Clayson) - 14th June 2007 - 1.2 ml - total 6.2ml in a 10 ml band

#4 fill (Dovey) - 30th June 2007 - 1.5ml - total 7.7ml in a 10ml band

#5 fill (Dovey) - 8th September 2007 - 2ml - total 9.7ml in a 10 ml band

#6 fill (Dovey) - 20th October 2007 - 1.75ml - total 11.45ml in a 10 ml band YEAH RIGHT

Doesn't look good when you put it that way huh.

Weight today - 17 Stone 5.5lb - 243.5lbs - 110.5kgs

Starting weight Weight - 18stone - 252lbs - 114.5kgs

LOSS TO DATE - 8.5lbs - 3.86kgs

Lowest weight - 16 stone 3lb - 227lbs - 103kgs

Weight regained - 16.5 lbs - 7.5kgs

SHOCKINGLY POOR

The date when I was at my lowest was Wednesday 16th May 2007 when I weighed

16 stone 3lb - 227lbs - 103kgs

This was before I fell down the stairs et al.

I am gonna put a photo of me on shortly too. Not yet cos I can't actually be bothered to get up and get changed (I am ill remember!), but soon. I didn't want to put a photo on being fatter than some of the others. I really psychologically wanted to see a smooth steady drop... but maybe that's me avoiding the truth, and obviously for those of you out there who are trying to decide if this is for you... then I need to show the truth.

So I am gonna update the Photo section shortly. Probably tomorrow I will get DH to take pic of me again in the same get up as the others. But I want you all to know how hard that is gonna be for me ok?

Today's food:

This morning I cooked up 3 scrambled eggs and 2 slices of toast (no butter).

I actually ate just under half of that.

Lunch I cooked 2 quorn Cumberland style sausages and some antipasti - pepper, courgette, aubergine, tiny mozzarella balls etc. It was About 200g of antipasti and the 2 sausages chopped up. I actually ate 1 sausage and 3/4's of the veg.

Dinner I cooked Quorn Swedish style meatballs in gravy, peas and mashed potato. Funnily enough I got a bag of baby carrots and also a bag of broccoli and cauliflower florets out as well, but as I was preparing to cook I was paring it down thinking 'Hmmn. I don't think we will eat that much actually...' so put the baby carrots and broccoli and cauliflower back in the freezer!

I actually ate half a meatball, a spoon of mash and a spoon of peas. DS finished of the meatballs I left, and DH wolfed the leftover mash.

I am rapidly going to say that this is not a 'change' in restriction, but a change in my attitude.

I am eating slowly and when I feel full, I am stopping. I have also only eaten when I have been hungry. So I am using the band to help me, rather than trying to force as much as I can down my gullet to see how much it stops!

See the switch?

I am making a concerted effort, even though its obvious from the history of fills above that something or someone has completely messed up. I shall be sorting it shortly, never fear!

Today's update

Today has been particularly cruddy.

I felt steadily worse over the course of the day, and after writing my blog earlier this morning, I thought to myself "I have to eat something". I know, I know... It should be 5 days of fluids, but OMG its so hard.

Having nothing in your system and being on liquids = diarrhea. Pain in my stomach and the trotts? Enough was enough. I had been in utter agony for 2 days and knowing that I could easily get rid of one of these problems just by eating something, I did.

I had a coffee and then half a bowl of porridge.

It was well nice. It was a new type I think... Quaker oats with bits of apple and sultanas and cinnamon in it. Yum Yum Yum!

So after I ate that I went to bed as my guts were just raw. I had run out of paracetamol as I had been eating them copiously all weekend. I had 4 lessons to do today, and as I was lying in my bed feeling exceptionally crap I knew that it was not going to be happening.

I think I went to sleep. Poor DS is downstairs saying "Mum can I have some sweets; crisps; another ice cream as I have already had 18 today already?" etc and I am just going "Yeah Ok baby... Mummys not well, you have whatever you like. Love You"

What kind of mother am I? Its so horrible to be sick and have no one around to help you or anything. Thank goodness he is a good boy and knows how to make his own lunch and stuff... doesn't make me feel any better though.

So I was lying festering in my pit, and talking to TB on the phone when I realised that my port scar was not just swollen and raised, but hot, red and angry.

Goody.

I made an appointment with the doctor in the village and went to see them. I couldn't drive. TB's hubby dropped her around and TB, DS and me walked down to the surgery. It took 20 minutes to walk about a quarter of a mile!

The quack looked me over, said I obviously had an infection and prescribed me with flucloxicillin 500 4 times a day for a week. He also gave me codeine for the pain. So I have had 2 doses of antibiotics so hopefully by tomorrow things should start looking up.

I can't believe I have an infection in my port. What an absolute nightmare. Its so weird too. my scar is all swollen and red and stuff, but the injection site is about 2 inches below the port scar. I have no idea how this all works.

My band journey has certainly been an interesting one!

This evening DH got fish and chips. I ate some fish, no batter, and was really pleased with myself. So today I have had porridge and fish. Hmmm. Well below 1000 cals me thinks.

I will keep you posted

Lumpy Bumpy Sore and Bloated

Went for my fill on Saturday. Another drive to Barnes. Another meeting with Dr. Dovey, who wasn't up for chatting for some reason. I was early for my appointment, very early, but he saw me and then left the building. Strange. Oh well I guess its nice to finish early for a change.

I met D after for some TLC in Starbucks and a peek through her weight loss expedition too. It was SO LOVELY of you to come and meet up. I must admit I am very depressed at the moment, and I didn't feel much better after the fill. Chatting to someone who knows what you are going on about really does help.

I have come to some opinions..

There can be either 2 things wrong with my band experience. Each throws up new questions...

Here they are:

1.) When I fell down the stairs in May, went to Sri Lanka and then re gained everything I had lost up to that point (20 odd pounds) I dislodged something or caused a leak in the system... one end of the tubing come off or something like that.

2.)Dr. Clayson from The Peel Medical Practice in Tamworth did nothing except inject my tummy with very expensive water - missing the site completely and therefore I was empty until I met Dr. Dovey.

Arguments for the first case:

1.) When I fell down the stairs I was in agony in my stomach. I ended up being admitted to hospital for 3 days where they systematically gave me a rectal exam, ultrasound and x-ray and various drips and plugged me full of morphine.

2.) I weighed 16 stone 4 before the fall. I now weigh 17 stone 12, slowly regaining the weight in the following 5 months down the track.

3.) Every time I get a fill I am incapacitated for DAYS. I have to plan my fills carefully so that I don't need to work after them. My stomach swells around my port scar and is sore and hard like a rock. (check the photo) Today the scar is a little inflamed and red round the edges from the swelling.

coincidence?

Arguments for the second case:

1.) I never liked or trusted the guy Dr. Clayson in Tamworth. He was a smug arse.

2.) His hands were shaking when I was there and he was giving me my first fill

3.) I didn't feel a thing. No whooshing in my band area, no pain in my port. It also didn't feel the same as when Dr. Dovey does it. With Clayson it was like getting a tetanus jab. With Dovey there is all this pressure and I feel the needle connect with the titanium plate at he back of my port and everything.

Arguments against case one:

1.) I know that you are able to do all kinds of violent sports with a band, and 3 months after it should have been ok.

2.) Even after going to sri lanka I didn't put on an ounce, it was only slowly after that

3.) I have some kind of restriction now, which I dont think I'd have if there was a leak or something

4.) I am allergic to loads of stuff and its possible the reaction at the injection site is just me

5.) I lost 6 pounds after my last fill, and then put it back on, but I hadn't exactly been eating good things :o(

Arguments against case two:

1.) there arent any.

Dr. Dovey actually said to me that he thinks Clayson screwed up and that I had absolutely no fluid in my band. The initial restriction was simply from the swelling after the operation and the fact that there was a band there giving some form of restriction. Also I was being a very good girl, eating carefully, stopping when I was full and taking my time, not drinking wine and not drinking with meals.

He now thinks I have 5 mls in my band in total from what he gave me.

If I count Clayson's fills I would have 12 mls in there or something, so you can see why I am worried that its not working or broken and that there is a leak!!!!!!!!

I think basically that I have to forget Clayson's fills, and only consider Dovey's fills. That means I have 5mls in there. Its a complete swine because I thought I was so much further along the line. But I am going to run with it.

Just to put my mind at ease, I have booked a Fluoroscopic fill with Dr. Dillemans in Brugge on 27th November. I am hoping that this will allay my fears, restore my faith in the band, and then I am going to SO HAVE A GO AT CLAYSON! I will be wanting my money back actually. And my petrol money for the 5 hours drives there and back. Yes, I think so...

I am going to try and consider that I have just had my operation, and now I am on the way to being restricted. 5 mls is not a lot, and most people need 6 or 7 mls to get good restriction... but guess what? Dovey said my next fill is Free!! Ha ha. I wonder why that is... maybe they know the other guy was RUBBISH.

So In 4 weeks I will have another fill anyway under fluro, so things should start to shape up.

I am also taking myself in hand and not drinking whilst I eat, and am not going to eat junk like takeaways and stuff. I am also not going to have any more wine, as I don't think its helping at all.

The morning before my fill on Saturday weighed 17 stone 12 pounds. This morning I weigh 17 stone 6 and 3/4's. I have done 2 days of fluids granted, but it makes me feel better.

I got down to 16 stone 4 before all this crap.

My next target is 15 stone 13 and 3/4's.

I know I am making progress when I hit that! I know its a far off target, but I think it has to be. anything less will be an empty target as I have been there so many times before.

I am also going to dob that slimmingworld Pig in. MWA HA HA HA HA

POSITIVE POSITIVE HERE WE COME

What did I say?

Yes that's right

I quote:

"I have had less to eat this week than the last 2 weeks. Less wine as
well...I am guessing I will probably put on weight, as is the wanton and
perverse reaction of my body when I think I have actually been good for a
change."

I was TOTALLY right.

I put on 2 pounds this week. HOW CRUD

This week I couldn't give a stuff about my band I HATE IT.

I want to be able to eat NOTHING

I want to be full on fresh air and a baked bean ok????

I want to puke each time I even sniff fresh baked bread, let alone eat a whole shagging baguette!

I actually ate a WHOLE baguette, stuffed with prawns. I also ate it quicker that my husband ate his roast beef one. Quite a lot quicker to be precise.

WHY IS THIS THING NOT WORKING FOR ME????

I know I have to be careful but for GAWD'S SAKE.

If I could be careful I would have lost the flaming weight without resorting to the having a band in the first place!

I had the thing done so that it would MAKE me careful. I WANT to be full after a sniff of a strawberry yoghurt!

ARGHHHHHHHHHH

It's so damn frustrating.

Who says they cant inject you with 8 ml right there... They are bleeding me dry with the £100 a throw fills. It has so far cost me £600 to lose half a poxy stone.

I know it will work eventually, but I am EIGHT MONTHS DOWN THE ROAD!!!!!!!

I need a break. And quick.

I am just about as far away from liking my band as anyone can possibly be. I think the whole things is a load of rubbish, waste of money, agony for months and too much sheer sodding hopelessness of a tragic woman's plight to look better.

I thought I felt crap before I started slimming. I feel a whole damn lot worse now I can tell you.

Before I joined slimmingworld 2 and a half years ago, I was fat.

When I had my band done 8 months ago I was fat.

today I am STILL FAT.

I have lost pounds though! THOUSANDS OF THEM!

£500 in slimmingworld fees
£100 (approx) in gizmo's like Easy Yoghurt makers, juicers, faddy diet stuff
£hundred's on horrible food that tastes like "The Real Thing's" washed out distant cousin
£6000 on the Lap Band and hotel bills and food for me and TB for a week.
£hundred's on new clothes I bought in my excitement

I am teetering on the absolute last, tiniest, craggy, splintery ledge at the bottom of the bottom of the bottom of the chamber of the deepest darkest pit of human despair in the entire universe.

My name is Bunny and its been 5 weeks since my last fill.

*round of applause*

Where did that week go??

Blimey... I didn't realise I hadn't blogged for a week. That's scary.

I am actually alive and well as you can see. I have had a random week... nothing much has happened, but loads at the same time.

We are about to be £400 a month better off as we changed our mortgage! YEAH!
So as ever, when we are riding high on the elation of something actually GOOD happening to us, this weeks complete kicks in the butt are:
1.)MOT due - know it will fail and will probably cost £300.
2.)Someone left the freezer unplugged.. lost everything. Claimed on house insurance - YAY...then realised we have a £100 excess... bugger.
4.)Central heating boiler packed up and its freezing in this house. Will cost £300.

*cynical sigh*

Should have known better than to try and actually *SHOCK HORROR* Save money!

What fools we are!

****INSERT ECHOING MAD LAUGHTER OF THE INSANE***

Weight wise... God knows.

I have had less to eat this week than the last 2 weeks. Less wine as well...
I am guessing I will probably put on weight, as is the wanton and perverse reaction of my body when I think I have actually been good for a change.

We shall see.

Tomorrow we are going to have a rapid weigh in and then back to the ranch because I have my American cousins coming for the night. They are something like my 7th cousins. I met them when I did my family tree, and we have stayed there with them in San Diego, and they have been here. Its so cool meeting people who are in your family from YEARS ago, and you still look like them! Its quite scary to be honest.

So tomorrow the house will be in chaos. H (This is what I am going to put instead of writing housekeeper out every time as it sound pompous and rubbish) is getting up at 6am to sort the house out, and then I am going to be putting up a tent in the garden for the boys (DS and Devin) to sleep in, putting up the folding caravan for Carmella to sleep in, and making the two singles up in the spare room for Marcie and her Mum Lucie. Phew. We are going to have a massive BBQ in the evening and TB and her hubby are coming along too which will be great.

Can't wait.

night night

Just realised

Its 7 and a half months since I had my band placed.

That means I have lost about 1 and a half pounds a month since I shelled out £4000 on my surgery.

Pretty crap when you look at it that way huh...

I am sitting here making myself feel worse not better.

For god sake someone tell me that this time next year I will be a scrawny bint! PLEASE

Way Hey... Another 1.5lb off today...

Oh yeah baby! I am thrilled with my weight loss. 1 and a half pounds off!!
I am now 17stone 3 and a half pounds - That's 10 and a half pounds lost since banding!! YAYAY

I had a bit of an odd slimmingworld meeting today though.

The Beeeyatch of a slimmingworld consultant, who we shall call.... umm... *PIG*, has been a complete and utter swamp donkey.

As you all know, I had my band fitted when I was attending a slimmingworld class that ran on a Monday. I told the consultant that I had had my band, because I was worried about losing loads of weight. She reassured me that I wouldn't lose loads (she was right hey!) immediately, and that I was totally welcome in the class, she had other people in class before who had had a lap band, and that I was still going to have to follow a healthy eating plan. All true.

Anyhow, as you all know I left slimmingworld in June because I lost the plot diet wise. So when I rejoined at my previous group with *PIG* on a Tuesday, I didn't bother to tell her about my band because

• I am not losing loads of weight and therefore will not be slimmer of the week
• I will not be entering their dumb competitions to win anything
• I will be following the healthy eating plan - well sort of
• I need to get weighed whether I have a band or not
• I had been so reassured by my other consultant that I didn't think I needed to inform her
• and lastly - ITS NONE OF HER DAMN BUSINESS

Well somehow... she know all about it.

I have told 3 people at slimming. 1 of them being the person I went to Belgium with - TB. another being a pupils mother who happened to go to slimmingworld ages ago, but not anymore who I know would not breathe a word. The other one being the girl I saw 2 weeks for the first time in a year who was genuinely excited for me and also told me today of the callous betrayal of confidentiality flouted by not ONE but TWO slimmingworld consultants.

I am in absolutely no doubt that my previous consultant has told my new consultant that I had a lap band fitted. Since I am a rejoin, this information should NEVER have been shared. She should never have put my friend in that position, on the telephone, where she felt torn. *PIG* blatantly asked her whether she knew if I had had an operation or not. Of course my friend would tell me what was said, even though she asked her not to say anything.

What a complete scab hound. If my friend had not known that I had had a lap band and came up and asked me if I had had an operation, I would have been really upset, because I CHOOSE who I tell.

I am really annoyed and I phoned the head office today to ask them about it all. I enjoy going to slimmingworld as you get great tips and stuff, info and all kinds of support (banded or not!) and I like to keep a check on everything. I now feel that anyone in that room might know I have had an operation and I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like if I talk to *PIG* about it then that will drop my friend in it, but if I don't, then my mind will get away with itself and I will be paranoid android thinking that everyone who gets a phone call from her will be asked "Do you know her well... I heard a rumour..." What a scummy thing to do to someone. I feel like a piece of scum now. I feel humiliated and not worthy of going to the class. I feel shat on by someone who I told things to in confidence. So much for their confidentiality policy. Its not worth a fig.

I am so glad my friend told me. I know if she reads this she will be really upset that she said anything, but PLEASE don't be. *PIG* has upset so many people in the past, including me, that maybe she needs to be told. I would have hated not to know, and I am glad you told me about it honey honest! I want to give it to *PIG* both barrels, but I wont because of you. I will just rant my frustration on here. If *PIG* reads this maybe she will have the decency to apologise for the hurt she has caused me.

I am sure that the other consultant who told *PIG* about it has also has some degree of negligence in this, but it should never have been mentioned to another member of the class. For goodness sake!! God, I am sick of these jumped up little Hitlers telling us to "do better" and "lose weight" when they are often the ones that make us feel so crap we want to go and eat 765 donuts. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. They tell us this and that, but when it comes to being decent honest upright members of society they fall very short. HOW DARE SHE????

I am on the phone to TB right now, and told her to ring *PIG* under the pretense of needing a password for the website.. tee hee

Right, TB has just got off the phone from her right now. TB was baiting her so badly, but *PIG* didn't bite or have the guts to ask her anything about it. She kept bringing the conversation round to me, but she just didn't go for it.

We will wait and see if she has the guts to ask me herself the nosy cow.

Gross Dinner

Just had the most foul dinner in the history of the universe.

It was some kind of strange pasta that I bought from Hungary before I had my band done. It looks like mini clouds in the packet.. little nuggets of pasta, and looks like a load of creamy sick when cooked. I think its more like gnocchi that pasta actually.

With that I had a can of Pork goulash that I bought in Lidl. I guess that if you have to put a picture of a pigs head on it, there has to be some reason. This could have been any type of meat. If you had said it was steak I would have believed you, and if you had said it was chicken, I would have believed you. It could even have been whale blubber to be honest. It was RANK.

*goosebumps running down whole body*

I ate about 2 pieces of 'meat' and a couple of spoons of the pasta blobs. I put the bowl on the floor and the cats finished the rest off. That just goes to prove its basically only fit for animals.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in. I hope I have done OK. I have been basically good this week. We have had a couple of takeaways, but as with everything its the quantity isn't it. I am definitely eating less that I was which is good.

I do feel a bit vacant about the whole banding thing at the moment. I don't know whether I should just eat, or go on a diet, or what really. Its kind of like living in limbo land... just waiting for something to happen - good or bad.

I feel like something big is about to happen... I don't know what, but life is just way too boring right now.

We have our American cousins coming to stay next Tuesday for the night. They are staying for a couple of weeks and seeing the sights, and we get to see them on Tuesday which will be cool. We last saw them 4 years ago, so we are really excited about that. They were so good to us showing us about all over San Diego and the desert and stuff. It will be good to be able to re pay the favour.

Anyway, going to go and get an early night now.

The trip to France by TB's husband...

Only take a closer look if you don't mind bad language. Its pretty rude. This was the cartoon made by TB's husband about our trip to France last weekend... Of course it's probably only funny if you know us.

Characters - Me, DH and DS, TB (a cameo role in scene 5) and her husband...

Oh I am a naughty beasty

As you all know, yesterday started off well cool. Except for the Yorkie. *clears throat and gets back to topic*. However it ended a little worse. DS was doing a reading in the evening, so it was all last minute panic stations and stress... cat fluff off of suit jacket, " You can do it! No tears now", "yes we will be on time" yada yada..

DH had a college run to do, and I was dashing about like the proverbial blue fly so I grabbed at a stary tenner and hit the chippy.

:o(

I had cod and chips. It was yummy.

*sighs*

This is becoming my confessional isn't it. I didn't want it to be like that... but it will hopefully help me later on by reading through it to see why I turn to crap food.

So yeah, not too happy about that, but hey, its a new day and all that jazz.

I just finished off two humongous plums. Lovely sweet flesh, but really horrible nasty bitter skins. What is it with fruit here in the UK shops?

I swear food everywhere else is much more delicious. Our food practically looks plastic. Its all the right colours, or you think it is, until you go to France or Germany and you see their fruit. Their fruit looks less bright, a bit odd sized and sometimes much more massive... Whole humongous heads of lettuce with mud on..., you think to yourself "Oh dear, here we go" and it tastes FANTASTIC... cucumber tastes like cucumber. Tomatoes taste like tomato.

I always bring back loads of fresh veg from France when we go. The garlic is something else.

Anyway, boring. Right. I have to go and try and instill some kind of education into my son. May the force be with me.

Update 13:30

Just had my lunch - small jacket potato and heinz sweet chilli beans. They are well nice.

Off to work in a mo. Just got ridof 4 pupils, so thats good. They mucked me around something wicked, so I just jacked them in. The can annoy someone else.
will update l8er

New family arrivals - 3 fish

Went to get some fish food and ended up spending £80. WTF?

DS wanted to get a new fish for his tank... we ended up not being able to decide so we got 3.

I also thought that the water could do with a bit of a blaat of oxygen, so I got one of those pump jobs that go bubble bubble bubble...

Then DS spied a little fake plant thing that was quite funky so we got that too, and then I noticed some oil for the garden furniature I had been meaning to buy all summer long.

Just never ends does it. So I came home feeling like I had been fleeced somehow when all I really wanted was some more fish food. These shops are so cleverly arranged that you can help but buy other stuff. I nearly bought a bird cage and little finch 'cos it was well cute. I slapped myself a good couple of times and woke up to the fact I have 5 cats and the poor little thing would be terrorized to death within the month.

*shudders*

Foodwise... pretty damn cool...

I have had several GOOD THINGS happen to me - yes I know its unusual, but it has to happen to me sometimes.

I discovered this AWESOME site called http://www.mysupermarket.co.uk/ where you do your shopping as normal and it shows you what it would have cost if you had shopped elsewhere... I chose Tesco, and it was just about the same as if I had shopped at Asda. Then the FUN began. At the end of the shopping it shows you that if you made a couple of swaps from other products you could save X amount of £'s AND CALORIES!! Yes, If I swapped my normal Kellogg's cornflakes to tesco's own cornflakes I save something like 49p. But if i swapped to tesco's Organic cornflakes I saved a further 11p and also 100 cals. HOW DAMN COOL IS THAT????

Seriously, check it out people. Well worth it.

Next cool thing to happen was a discovery I made c/o mysupermarket.co.uk. Because I swapped some kind of muller light for Danone Shape lasting satisfaction yoghurts I not only saved money and calories, but found that I could NOT eat my breakfast after I had eaten this yoghurt. It is seriously filling for us bandsters. I was TOTALLY SHOCKED that I could not eat my 2 boiled eggs that were boiling away on the stove.

However, I am well pleased that I have found some snack that is only 75 cals and Sooooo filling. Cool.

So breakfast today was a Yoghurt (Danone shape lasting satisfaction)

Lunch was 2 slices bread with beetroot and slice of cheese

snack - Yorkie bar ;o) Yeah I know, but I just couldn't resist.

Hmmm Pretty low food intake... interesting

Ok.. today, I have not thought about food much or dieting and just 'got on with my life'.

Weirdly, I have also not eaten much.

Breakfast (over the course of the morning): Fruit - plum, apple, banana..

Lunch @2pm - small cereal sized bowl of pasta with pesto.

Dinner @9pm - Heinz Baked Beans on 2 slices of toast with cheese.

2 glasses white wine.

feeling good...

feeling not like dieting in any way...

feeling that this band might be working...

:o)

Feeling Happy!

Went to Slimmingworld this morning, and was pleasantly surprised to find myself 1 and a half pounds down! Oh Yeah baby!

I am now officially 17 stone 5 or 243lbs.

That's 4 and a half pounds since rejoining slimmingworld/fill number 5. I am guessing it is the fill that has helped me here, because I have been to France for the weekend and 'indulged' and also had a cake during the week. So thanks band!

I have had today:
fruit (bananas, plums, apples, grapes)
1 slice of bread
3 slices of pizza + 2 bits of garlic bread
1 bottle of red (well nearly!)

So I am kind of treating today as a celebration!! HA HA.

I have also gone swimming and walking and all kinds of other stuff.

So feeling good, and now I am off to bed. Tomorrow we have a surveyor coming around to make sure our house is worth what we say it is as we are just about to remortgage. Seems like a decent chap. Lets hope so! We shall find out for sure at 8am (I didn't realise there were two 8 o'clocks in a day!)

RESULT!!! 3 pound Down!! OH YEAH

3 pounds down.

SWEEEEEEET

Slimmingworld this morning went well, as you can tell, and I am ecstatic.

So I now weigh 17 stone 6 and a half pounds. YAY!

Today I have been pretty good and I have found I am fuller longer. Oh please God that this is really restriction of some sort.

I was on the phone to my Mum today and I had just eaten a nectarine. I burped and up came food too!! HA HA HA HA HA HA. This is FABULOUS. I know it sounds really grim, but this to me is a really good sign that I am getting there. There are lots of things that are weird. Like when I have a coffee, I gulp it down as normal, but it does kind of stay in my throat before it trickles down... it feels like that anyway.

I haven't had hard pain in chest, elephants sitting there or puke or anything weird like that so far, and I did eat dry couscous... but dinner I felt stuffed. I would say I had a cup of pasta (like a mug size) and about half a cup of roasted veg and mozzarella with that. I have been completely full all evening, and I still am. The rest of the day I have actually only eaten fruit with the exception of a kitkat that I had for breakfast BEFORE I got weighed... so how about that!!

I HOPE THAT THIS IS IT

That's all I can say. I couldn't take it if I had to have another operation to correct a leaking system or something like that. I swear to God I would rather have a full blown bypass than go through that again. If I have to be in pain again with that, I might as well have the other surgery!

I am burping for England right now too. Every mouthful of food I have "burp!", every drink "Belch!" So something has changed. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!

So its on with the rest of the week.

Today has been a particularly good day for luck... if you believe in that crap, which I don't. I gained a few pounds when I received a cheque for £216.57 for a claim I put in with a parcel company when something I sold on eBay arrived in 3 parts and completely busted. Then I lose 3 pounds and slimmingworld (those are the pounds I love to lose!). Then... we had a chat to a mortgage advisor and we can cut our monthly repayment by £250 a month!! WHAT A RESULT. This truly is an amazing amount to save isn't it! I am so stoked about it. I think I can actually justify getting my nails done again and my underarms waxed!! :o) I had put a stop to it because of getting Mina our housekeeper, but sod it!!!!! I can have a clean house AND nice nails now!! YAY. My mum also gave me £500 which is sooooo lovely of her. How cool is that. Oh and I just had my hair cut into a lovely style but keeping all the length, so all in all it has been a wonderful day...

...but I can't help wondering whats going to go wrong....

Ok I give in...

I stuck it as long as I could... 48 hours post fill is not bad is it?
I am about to go to work in half an hour and I feel light headed and faint and I want to go to bed... however my mortgage say "GO TO WORK!"

So I am having to eat something to keep me going until I get home at 9:30pm.

Today I have had:
3 cups of coffee
1 yoghurt
half can of low fat chicken soup with a handful of peas in it
1 slice of bread (guess this is not a good sign of restriction)
1 instant pot of roast veg couscous approx 220 cals.

So not much, but its not enough either...

Port pain wise... I think I would be in agony if I tried hard enough. Its not horrendous, but I am popping aspirin (yeah i know its not good), paracetamol and also volterol (diclofenac). So I am on a cocktail of drugs so I guess my pain would be less. I simply cannot stand the thought of working in pain... I am goign to dose myself up again just prior to going off to work. I have managed to go to town and do the bank and give DS his whole day of school work, so I am not doing too badly. I just have to be careful not to bend down and pick stuff off the floor, or twist my body, run, stretch or like do anything normal!

Anyway, going to check DS's effort on his handwriting. He is trying to bargain with me already! The cheek of him. I told him Year 4 means no excuses and he might as well save his breath. I have been very good today and he has completed every task so far. Pfht. so much for "I cant do it its too hard"... *Evil laugh*

I will update later

Sunday post fill...

Forgot to mention that yesterday the girls beat the boys at cribbage!! Yeah. 3 games to 2. OH YEAH! Probably because S was drunk, but hey, its still a win!

Anyway, this morning my swelling had gone down entirely. My skirt was done up and loose again and I didn't look like I was going to have to say "Honey, I think its time to take me to the hospital... its time"...

Those rotten friends of ours had prepared a luscious fried breakfast for everyone.. except me :o(

DH, DS and the Brown's tucked into a veritable heart attacking feast of sausages, bacon, eggs, fried pots and toast.

I sat there too smelling the deliciousness of it all drinking my innocent smoothie, eating another 2 kids fromage frais and a quarter tub of hummus. Yum Yum.

I was full.

My port has been EXCRUCIATING all day. I feel like I have a tennis ball for a port at the moment, and there is a red ring around the needle site of about an inch. Not good. God I hope its not an infection or something.

We can home and I spent most of the day in bed... I got up at 6:00pm as DH had gone to badminton and I just could not take any more time in bed as I felt skanky. I washed my hair and had a good de-fuzz and I feel much better.

Whilst I was in bed I had a yoghurt and a glass of orange juice.

When I got up I had a pint of milk. Since then I have had a cup of coffee and a glass of water with dissolveable paracetamol and aspirin in it. I had also made myself another coffee and opened another yoghurt... but they are still sitting here next to me... the coffee cold and the yoghurt slightly warmer than it should be.

I feel full. When I was talking on the phone to Mum earlier whilst lying in bed I had to keep clearing my throat as I had yoghurt coming back at me...

I am going to take this as a good sign that I have restriction.

If I wasn't in so much damned pain I would be really happy. But at the moment my port is beyond painful and I feel sick... probably all that milk.

So today's food:

2 petis filous
1/3rd tub hummus (65g)
2 glasses of smoothie (banana, apple, cherry, rosehip and blackcurrant)
2x coffee
1pt milk
1 pear yoghurt (250g)
1 pt orange juice

I also have another coffee and yoghurt here waiting to be eaten as I said earlier...

I am full as I can be.

This is great.

Ok... I think I feel.... restricted?

I went for another fill on Saturday. I can't remember how many I have had now... wait while I add them up...
Ok... it was FILL NUMBER 5

He gave me 2 mls. If all the fills are still actually present in the band I now have 9.7mls in there. I frankly think this is bull.

I am seriously doubting several things:
1.) Dr Clayson in Tamworth did not inject me with saline into my port, but instead it just went into my skin.
2.) If everything is ok... Is it actually leaking or something?

However, that said, the fills I have had in Barnes with Dr. Dovey have felt completely different. I can feel the needle for one thing, and I feel it knock hard against the metal plate at the back of the port when he does it.

After Clayson put my 3rd fill in in May I did find some minuscule restriction... If I am not careful I cant eat chips, bread or cake... But as long as its wet and I chew it well enough it went down no problem.

After the my 4th fill, which was with Dr. Dovey, I have been a well bad girl, but I didn't feel any difference at all with the amount of restriction. You can read all about how I have been between 29th June and today. I haven't even been blogging much; various reasons, but haven't been in a happy place either.

So Yesterday he gave me 1 and a half mls. Then as I could drink all the water no problem he suggested he aspirate the band and see categorically how much fluid was in there. So he jabbed me again and tried to pull out any fluid. Now, he had just inserted 1 and a half mls... but he got nothing out. He said sometimes when there is not much restriction it doesn't come out easily, but he couldn't get anything. I wanted him to try harder but it was PROPER killing me! So he put another half a ml in while he was at that anyhow.

So a total of 2ml. So according to everything I should have a stoma the size of a pin hole, but obviously this is not correct. I cant possibly have 9.7mls in my band. No way.

BUT.... We met this really lovely fellow bandster, Dee, who's blog you can view from the right hand side links. She had her band about a year ago and just check out the photos on her July entries... O M G!!!! Wow is all I can say. I was really impressed as she seemed to have a very similar experience... you know.. "all this money... no results... waste of time... bla bla" But it was about 6 moths for her until she really started noticing the difference in her food intake. I really enjoyed the comparison from her weightwatchers meal diarys to her meal diary now... WHAT A DIFFERENCE and band makes!

So I was really up beat when I left, even though I was a little concerned as I seem to have nothing in my band... even though he assured me there was.

We also met another guy from North Wales: Hello!! He was doing good too. He has lost a couple of stone, but it was just so nice to meet fellow Dillemans bandsters. We NEED to get a support group of people all who had their surgery there, because we suffer different problems from others due to the fact we don't have much aftercare here in the UK unless you have it done here too.

M (my fellow bunk mate from Belgium) was there too, and TB came with me for the drive so we all went to get a frapaccino after the ordeal. M had a 1 and a half ml fill too, so we are both really at the same place. Both a little fed up with the lack of weightloss... although she is doing better than me as she can do slimfast whereas I just want to slash my wrists if I am doing that for more than 1 day. Shes a dedicated lady. She looked absolutely fab too, which made me feel like a right loser. I have put on 9 pounds since my last fill. How good is that?

Ho Hum.. we sat down to coffee at Starbucks and had a good old chat. I started sucking my frap and I had to keep stopping. it was still kind of in my throat. Now, considering the fact that I still don't know what restriction is really, this was a little LOOPY. I kind of wanted to cry, shout and laugh and be sad all at the same time. M was like "No way... your joking me..." and looking at me like we were all waiting for a bomb to go off... **What will happen now?? ** Will she explode??
I felt hysterical - proper sense of the word. I didn't know whether to laugh cry or crap myself.

It took a good hour for me to drink the frapuccino, and I got one to go home with too. Greed still runs in the old veins you see!

Before I had my fill I was starving as I had only eaten an apple and a banana for breakfast and obviously I had my fill at 12pm and I was dying for food. I was full after drinking half a frap.

CCCCCCOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!

We came home and then we went around a friends for the evening for a BBQ. Great. I sat there watching the buggers gnawing away of ribs, steak, lamb kebabs, new pots, home made coleslaw and all the trimmings... I had some humus, 2 kids fromage frais and some soup. BOO HOO.

I did have wine though. 3 glasses. Mmmmm

We kipped there for the night as we couldn't be bothered to walk home at 1am and DS was sleeping over anyway, so made it easier just to bunk down there... but I was in a hell of a state. My port was throbbing. My stomach had swollen like I was 8 months preggers and it was right under my bust, just like pregnancy. I had to undo my skirt, and my pants were cutting into me. Our friends kept joking that I was going to explode and that I should warn them well in advance if I was going to let rip, as they would extinguish their cigarettes in case I blew us all up. I really thought I was going to fart for England.

So We bunked down for the night with DH praying he didn't die from toxic gas poisoning during the night.

Completely strung out about my weight

I am having a hard time at the moment.
I have not been happy since coming back from Sri Lanka...
I don't know why, but my weight has just gone up and up since then.

I am not eating too much, but I am not eating the right things either.

I now weigh 17stone 9 and a half pounds (247.5lbs). That means since I was banded in February I have lost only 4 and a half pounds... Or should I say I have Re- gained 19 pounds. since I went to Sri Lanka.

Is this 100% down to me being a stupid cow?

I know what I am doing, but I don't know why I do this.

I think I want to lose the weight... but maybe I don't...? I can't understand why I keep sabotaging myself. Its like there is something inside me that likes being this way... and its stronger that the one that wants to be thin.

This 'fat me' is really strong. It pushes me so hard to do the wrong thing. And I do it.

The 'thin me' is a weak and pathetic thing made of whimsy voile or something that is like one of those old Victorian ladies with consumption... all floaty and romantic.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I must sound like a complete stupid mad ridiculous nutcase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since coming back from Sri Lanka I think I have made about 6 fresh starts at losing the weight. Each time I fail. I get to a point and then pig out. I have never done this before and its scary. The other day I ate 9 chocolate covered muesli bars, 4 packets of crisps, 1 family bag size of minstrels and a bottle of red wine in just ONE EVENING!

These were just snacks. For my dinner that evening I had a Chinese takeaway - duck pancakes, sweet and sour chicken, prawn crackers, fried noodles, seaweed, sticky beef... etc.

Nothing I eat is a lot of food... its just the really WRONG food.

I eat the wrong thing at every opportunity.

I am binge eating too. I feel total scum when I do it.

*

So I went back to Slimmingworld with TB on Tuesday. The 'consumptive thin me' made the decision that I simply cannot do this alone. The last time I went to slimmingworld was before my holiday. This is the one big thing that has changed, and I know it kept me on the straight and narrow. Even if I did have a few off days, I would re-focus on the fact that I would be weighed the next week and start to do something about it.

So I went there not knowing what my weight was and I was DISGUSTED with myself.

I spent all that money on myself - went through all that agony - am STILL going through pain - and all I can do is eat like a fat stupid pig who doesn't know better.

I hate myself right now. I hate the person who gives in when temptation occurs.

I know I do want to lose weight, and I want to get rid of the strange tempter in my head.
I am also having a fill on Saturday. I booked it in yesterday as I know I don't have any restriction at all. I can eat anything I damn well please and to be honest, if I didn't have port pain, I wouldn't know I had a band in place right now. Something is not right.

I will try hard to sort my head out.

Ello!

It's ok I have not died or anything...
We have been camping for a bit and all over the country doing this and that. Summer (apparently that's what its called) is always a crazy time. I always look forward to having a lovely rest, and in fact it turns into a nightmare or social engagements! but its fun!

I am busily planning DS's work for this year too. I have so far printed off all the writing curriculum that we are using, and then found there was another load of guide books to print, but ran our of ink. Great. I have a couple of items at the printers at the moment being bound... they are Maths worksheets and Language Arts stuff.. I have to get it all organised into a manageable schedule that's not too punishing, but not too easy either. that's quite hard to manage to be honest, because I don't have anything else to gauge it against. If he turns and says "I can't do it its too hard" is he just fobbing me off, or is he for real... Similarly the other way around. He can be a lazy toad at times, so we shall have to see.

I would like to grill a teacher to be honest. One that is not out to prove that their methods and the education system is better. One that will honestly gauge his level and give me an honest answer about whether the work I give him is reasonable and attainable, or whether he is mugging me off.

I doubt there is a teacher out there who wont have their two-penneth to add like "Well... we do this and we do that" because every teacher I have asked to date has looked at me down their nose like I am a piece of scum, and tried to make themselves look good and like I have my work cut out.

To be honest I am not interested in that. All I want to know is if he is genuinely complaining because the work is unattainable, or whether I have to say "No excuses, get on with it".

Anyway, enough of that. We have our curriculum covering Maths, writing, reading, history, science, language and art. I think that's pretty thorough for an 8 year old.

Weight wise, I have been a naughty naughty girl. I haven't bothered to do any kind of diet at all, because *lame excuses coming* mainly my port has been hurting constantly for so long that I have just felt down in the dumps. I have also had my star week last week, so the run up to that was a chocolate fest and it just continued right up until Saturday.

But I am holding at 17 stone 11. One shall try and be good to oneself, but one doubts if one has the will power. I love food.

What a difference a day makes

Well all that was hellish yesterday was turned to gold today... just like even the tiniest amount of oil poured on water. All is dreamy and the MASSIVE problem resolved.

I had a wonderful couple for hours out this morning with DS and Natasha. It was really lovely. Even the rain at the end was refreshing. Its amazing when you place your trust in God, because you simply cannot do anything else but that... things seem to lighten up like a burden lifted.

If felt wonderful when I got home. I only had an hour before I was supposed to leave to pick up our housekeeper from the city (an hours drive away!!!!!) and I was not stressed, me and DS went to the bakery and bought rolls for lunch and shared a cake (a first for me and him!).

We went to collect M our H.K. at 2pm and arrived in plenty of time. We then chatted for a while and then got a few bits from Lidl. She asked me if I had a list of things, and was exceptionally organised and focused! I was stunned to be honest. So the only things I did not have was those scourer sponge thingies and a hard scrubbing brush. So we got a packet of those and and a brush and that was it.

When we got back, I decide to take her to TB for a coffee before we went back to the house as I hadn't seen TB for a while and I wanted M the H.K. to meet her and know who she was etc. This also gave us more of a chance to bond a little and chat about interests etc. Because she is also living with us, its more that just someone who comes and then takes their money and goes home... you have to get along too.

So then we got back home at about 4pm. I decided that I wasn't going to waste any time, and showed M how I did things... I had purposely left the Dishwasher from this morning and also the washing so that I could show her how it worked. We worked systematically through each room and she was quick, too notes and assimilated all the things that needed doing and stuff immediately. As I was like sweeping up and things, I reached out to get something and it was in my hand!!! She had kind of second guessed what I would need. She was focused, targeted and obviously didn't actually need me at all!!

So after about an hour of random tidying up, I let her kind of go off on her own. The next thing I heard was giggling and laughter from upstairs where DS was spraying the doors (YES DOORS!) with polish and she was rubbing them down. He would NEVER have done that for me!! HA HA. But then again, I don't think I have ever polished my doors either!! ;o) HAAAAAAA

So things were great. I got the dinner on and the house around me is already spotless and she has worked about 3 hours straight today. It kind of looks like other peoples houses!!

My bathroom smells gorgeous and cleansed... most odd. I don't know how she got it to smell that way.

She also went to bed at 9pm. FAB!

So first day's thoughts are that this is the best thing I have ever done!!!

...remind me of thisd in 6 months when her initial enthusiasm has drained!! Now Now I mustn't be so cynical.

Gutten Abend....?

BLEUGHhhh

Today has worn me out. Yes it has. its nearly midnight and I am still awake and writing this blog.

I feel in dire need of something. I am not actually sure what it is I am in dire need of though. Here are a few things I could be in dire need of:

Running for 30 miles non stop
Streaking naked down the street with wet hair
Eating my body weight in penny sweets
16 litres of Shiraz
Having a screaming contest with myself
Razoring my head
Stabbing myself with pins... piercings? hmmm
Picking 6000 spots - all with great goop in them
Biting something really really hard - like an arm or thigh
Work in a coal mine for 24 hours

I have had THE worst day.

One of those days where you simply cannot do anything except get stressed, and then some.

Its so awful I can't even speak about it, because that will push me over the edge and I will have to go and do one of the above.

On a positive note, tomorrow I am mostly going to be sleeping. I am going to be in a minute and then I am not getting up until I WANT TO. Then at 2pm I am going to pick up our new housekeeper from the city. THANK GOD Then I am going to show her the ropes, and then I am going to go back to bed.

I told DH that I could not be a wife, mother, child educator, career woman and a skivvy. So I hired some help. If DS was at school things might be easier. Not a lot, but I would at least have 6 hours a day when he was not here. So basically somethings got to give, and it was getting close to being my sanity.

I think that Prozac is the best drug in the world. I tried lowering my dose over the last few months. I was down to one tablet a day. So much for that. I am back to 2 pills daily. I haven't noticed the kick yet, but hopefully it will be soon. I need to be SANE.

Its 6 months since banding tomorrow.

I thought I should tell you all that I didn't go for my fill on Saturday as I had planned. It was too much stress. The thought of driving down there again made me feel ill. DH's car has also been resprayed and I would just die if something happened again!

Anyway, I am going to go back soon once I have got my head together.

I am off to bed now.

Long time no post

Hi all,

I am still alive. Things have just been crazy here.

I have no idea how my weight is doing, as I haven't been to the shop to get weighed because last time I went it was out of order (GRRrrrrr!) and I haven't had a chance since.

I am still trying to weigh in on a Monday, so I will go on Monday and see how its going.

It will be 6 months since banding very shortly... 14th August. I can at least say I have lost weight with the band. Even if I dont lose weight, thankfully its not going on as badly.

Since my last post, I have been a combination of good and bad. Angel and Demon... I even bought a perfume in France called that!!! Its lovely and by Givencey (or how ever you spell it)

I have been so busy finishing stuff, DS has been to camp, the pool is complete (see pic below) and we have all been in it. DS has had a party for all his friends, which was cool and they had an ace time... and at the moment I have two Poles staying. They have been helping me out. It has helped me make the decision about getting another Au Pair... so we are getting another one on Monday. I can't wait!! At last I will have the help I need around the house that means I wont make my port sore. Just washing the floors makes it ache like crazy for a couple of days. Its just not good.

So today we went to Legoland. What a load of crap. Don't go there if your kids like fun. DS was pretending the enjoy it, but we all know we could have had more fun on a trip to the local superstore. It was the most expensive walk with wasps I have ever been on. I am glad we only used Tesco Clubcard vouchers for it and didn't stump up hard currency, otherwise I might have had to have a little cry.

It was totally out for making money. Everywhere you turned there was a shop, or an amusement that you had to pay for (basically everything that your kid actually wanted to do was NOT free!!). Rubbish

Right, I am off to bed with a sore port again... too much walking about I guess.

Take it easy!