Saturday, 22 September 2012

So Close I can smell it...

Today I weighed 101.2kgs.

I told DH that I would go to badminton and join his club when I hit 100kgs... so only 1kg away from that right now. That's kind of scary, but kind of exhilarating too.

I am blonde, thinner that I have been in 3 years and feeling very very good right now.

My MAJOR GOAL, in case you don't know is 97kgs. It's an incredible achievement to have lost 22kgs and get to 100kgs (which I will hopefully get by next week) but 97 is the one for me. 97kgs was my lowest I ever got with my Lap band, and I am amazed I am doing it without the band and its so easy. I have shed nearly 15kgs since May and I am so amazed with myself. I truly thought that I was lost forever in a sea of fatness.

I am hitting the gym hard too. I am trying to go 4 times a week, and am trying to burn at least 500 calories each time I work out. that usually amounts to 50 minutes workout, but occasionally I go to 65 minutes to get 700 calories busted!!

Yesterday was a 700cal day. The reason for this was because I wanted a comfort food day. I have now figured that I can have blow out days and eat quite a lot of crap (within moderation) and still lose weight which is sooo cool, as long as I up the gym.

Yesterday I really fancied Rice & Sauce. This is a pretty hefty meal because the rice is 355 calories in itself and the sauce is practically as calorific as lard! Can you believe that? The sauce that I have with my rice is 740 calories for 100g!!

Its a fermented soy bean and chilli sauce from Lao Gan Ma. It's a small jar that costs about £1.50 a jar and its hotter than hell. It is also unbelievably delicious. It's not like anything I have ever tasted and I adore it.

I had 30 grams of this stuff on my 100g of rice and whacked up 600cals just for my lunch.
It was divine, and for tea we had a takeaway - I had a Chicken Tikka Naan wrap with salad, mayonnaise & chilli sauce.

I washed it down with a bottle of red and the evening was complete.

Sometimes you just need to blow and comfort yourself, and that's the beauty of this diet I am doing... I can eat whatever the hell I want as long as I negate the excess with exercise or keep to the limit.
My calorie limit has reduced to 1445 calories a day now, so I must reign myself in. I am blown away by my weight loss this month though!

YAY! I think I will be slimming world slimmer of the month again :-)

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Radio 4th

Went on the radio for the 4th time yesterday. I was only on for about 20 minutes, and I had so much to say, so much joy to spread, so many useful things to help people who are struggling... but I couldn't say it as I had to go through all the back story again. Which was also wrong. Which you cant contradict. Which sucks.

I guess its what they want but its a bit rubbish to not get it right. His scales are whack too.

I am 102.3kgs - 16stone 1.5lbs or 225.5lbs

He weighed me at 16stone 6... so you can see there's a couple of kgs/lbs out right there!! That happened last time too. To be honest that doesn't matter as long as its consistent but then he said that the last time I came on I weighed in at 17stone 2 when he ACTUALLY weighed me at 17 stone 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrr

So on air the last time I saw him, he said I had lost 8 pounds - which at that time accounted for 2 pounds a week since I started my programme with my Guru that they provided.

So this time It would have been WOWOWOWOWOW. But because he got it wrong by saying it was 17stone 2 it looked a bit..... Meh.

Infuriating.

They also went through all the back story saying stuff like "so you used to cheat the band shoving ice cream down and chocolate etc etc...!" NO I F'ING DID NOT!!! I don't even like ice cream!!!!!!

But you cant contradict it.

Sod it.

Whatever.

I am losing weight and I actually don't give a rats ass what he thinks. I did get in further along that actually eating with a band is hard if you were served up steak and chips so generally mushier things are easier like curry and chilli and soups etc and that's where I went wrong in high calorie saucy things. So I did right it, but not at the time when I needed to. I also got in that my band broke - not that I just cheated - and that it wasn't just me getting a band then fucking it up because liek he said - that would be ridiculous. FFS! Who would spend £6K and then go eating liquid lard. twat.

My journey has been FRAUGHT with disasters and now finally I have got it together.  THAT is the freaking back story!!!!!

I have lost 13 and a half KILOS since May. That's 30lbs!!! More than 2 stone!!!

I am so chuffed at myself and my dedication thus far.

I have learned during this few months that if I fail - then I fail small. If I had a cake bar too many or a desert at a restaurant before... then I knew I had screwed up. But that was always the tip of the iceberg and then would follow a meltdown. I hadn't just messed up - I had messed up permanently. So now I have had to force myself to just fail in that moment. Fight the urge to dive down the slope of misery and "I'll start again on Monday". I now just get right back to the grind. I also compensate with extra gym.

The Monday Conundrum is no longer a problem. Nothing starts Monday. It starts right now.

I also don't condemn myself for my previous existence. I don't want to really think about being the fatter old me because I am creating a new person - the real person that is inside me. The one that people talk to, love, confide in but that is covered in Fat and marginalised because of that.

I don't place undue pressure or stress on myself either. I don't write out goals that are unattainable or push myself into routines or habits that I wont be able to sustain for the rest of my life. Those things are not the elixir to losing weight but the total poison.

I have also realised that my motivation is driven by happiness. I don't do fear. It would seem that motivation is driven by either happiness or fear and although they both work - happiness is my master. I have treated myself every day. I have had my hair done (yeah we know what a nightmare that was - but it was nice to have it played with all the same!) I have done my toenails in nice polish and I have indulged in books I want to read and TV slobbing for contentment. I finish the day tired and ready for bed knowing I have accomplished a lot.

I also have realised I have to stop making myself feel bad about being naughty. No ones perfect so a little treat here and there - as long as it is just that - is not the end of the world... and to be brutally honest is DEFINITELY not as bad for me now as when I was 20kgs/40lbs heavier! The health risks with a pig out now, are way less!!

So last night I had a curry and a bottle of wine and enjoyed every mouthful. It doesn't negate my previous success and it doesn't negate any future ones either. It was yummy, and to be honest I didn't even consider it failing. It was a food choice which I counted the calorie cost of and it was YUM! However, it didn't enjoy me evidently as I had a really dodgy tum this morning, but hey!

I am now off to the gym to burn about 600 cals - this is an extra session to compensate for the additional calories yesterday. It works!

I consume about 1450 calories a day now... gradually getting less and less. As the weight comes down, I get less to eat HAHA that's the only bummer - but it gets the job done.


Post Script -

For people who have followed me for years - I apologise for the self righteousness of 'me' at the moment. I have never been in a position when I have been winning this game so I thought I would - just this one time - enjoy the opportunity!! HAHAHAHA