This morning I was down to 118.4kgs (262lbs or 18 stone 9lbs)
This is cool as when I resumed my band journey in October in earnest I weighed 122kgs (269lbs or 19stone 3)
I am being very careful with this fill. Yesterday I had soup and liquids or yogurt all day and then about 11pm I had about a cup of mashed potato with some creamy coleslaw.
Today I had a berroca during my workout at the gym. I don't really like them, so putting it in the sports bottle meant that I did actually finish it. We fast walked 5k, rowed 5k and cycled 5k with a little bit of PowerPlate wiggling and some random tries of other machines to see what they were like. Then for lunch TB had made a nice soup, but it was too 'whole' for me with big lumps of veg in. The spoonful I did eat was really tasty, but I just couldn't eat any more after the first bite. I know from old that I never used to be able to eat before about 4pm, so I came home and the soup finally passed through the stoma. I had a couple of coffees and tea and then a can of mushroom soup for very late lunch.
I haven't got a clue what to do for dinner tonight, But I think I am going to make an old favorite - Pasta with spinach, Philadelphia and bacon. I don't know how much I will manage but I will take my time as always, and chew chew chew!
I think I actually might have a working band. Who would have thought it!! HURRAH!
Well, things had settled immensely after the orange juice debacle yesterday, but we went to a friends for dinner in the evening. She had made 4 courses. This obviously strikes feelings of deep doom into bandsters around the globe, even one as slack and shizzy at it as me - especially after a fill! GULP
I knew that I was never going to be able to eat much, if anything, so as she served up, and I glugged some green tea (I had come armed with my pot and leaves!). I had a little nibble of a tiny asparagus spear in anchovy butter. It was... not the most pleasant of dishes I must admit. I had about 3 tips and then stopped as I felt chogged, even though I had pureed it to death and back in my mouth and drank, and waited and breathed and all those little tricks.
It came back at me, and I passed on the soup, the beef stew and rice and also the caramel cheese cake. I Even Dun DunDunnnnnnn Passed on the WINE!
Yes it was a spectacular fail and I felt like a leper.
So we came home, after having actually a really really fun evening, food or no, to that time of day called:
"Try and take my tablets after a fill"
Its always a fabulous sort of family horror event, and last night took the Golden Globes and Oscars in a clean sweep!
By the end of the dinner party I was consuming a little water, had half a glass of red, and a little black tea relatively okay... so I thought I might as well give it a bash. Now I am not very good at taking tablets 'dry' so I have to have quite a lot of fluid. I thought that things were OK - there was some glugging, gurgling, belching, blopering going on in there at that special cleavage region of the chest, so I swallowed em down. After 2 minutes, I had to hurl.
I take high doses of Gabaentin, Tolterodine and other concoctions for my lupus and my criminal piston pain (that's my word for the urethra for those new here) and I HAVE to take them or I start going into withdrawal. If I miss them, it only takes 2 days for me to be a twitching wreck trying to score a hit! I never miss taking them though - mainly because I am addicted to them so I never EVER forget!! These are the only tablets I have never forgotten. My body simply knows when it's time for pills!! HAHA They are an Opiate based and nasty and am on em for life. So you can imagine that the thought of not taking these pills is like totally alien to my being.
However, hurling these beauties is G R I MI honestly could not believe the taste, it was unreal! I puked as only a bandit knows how, then it was immediately followed by a massive spasm of REAL vomiting and then proper dry retchy heaving for 30 seconds on the afterkillertaste! OH WOW! They were so bad, and kinda spicy and burny and frothy and hell like and tasted like death itself.
Honestly, I have tasted some foul junk before, but this was on a new level. I swilled my mouth out fast with TCP mouthwash just to take the taste away. I hate it, but less than that mank! TCP was the only thing I could think of that would take the taste away and disguise it completely and luckily (!?) I only bought it the other day for my sore throat. Small merices!
DH said afterwards that the heaved pills stank the kitchen out like dead fish. Truly scary times. I have oft been tempted to make it easier after fills by opening the cases on the pills and just mixing them with water or something, but this has given me the whole answer in full. That's is not EVER happening.
So after this headache, and a quick email to Jane that I needed an unfill pronto in the morning, we went to bed. I lay there gurgling the night away and willing myself not to salivate in fear of waking up vomiting. I slept really well strangely, and thought this little 0.5 was not too bad really whilst I slurped on my first cuppa of the day.
At 9am I gave Jane a ring, bless her she must HATE me! I had drunk 2 cups of black tea at this point, so things were looking good, and I thought that I had better let her know things were ok and I would manage. She suggested that I ring back at 2ish and let her know how things were going, which was a massive stroke because things disintegrated from the black tea onwards.
We went out this morning for a couple of hours and I was sipping thoughout, but I noticed it just starting to slow down through the stoma! I only had a few sips of drink between 9am and 1pm. I was able to drink, it wasn't sticking, or making me sick, but I could just really feel it sitting there for a little longer than was necessary or needed. It felt uncomfortable and like I couldn't relax. I could feel everything going on; I was really aware of having a band and I just thought, you know what? I don't need this. So I called her up and asked if she could take a smidge back out.
So this afternoon at 4:30 I had 0.2ml taken back out. So I just have an extra 0.3ml instead which I am really happy to have a go with. I could drink immediately although with that nice thunky glug noise which we all know and love, so things are on the march I hope!
On a completely different tack, I have been thinking about Babara and her girls today so much. I think its finally sunk in that Mark has gone and that lovely lady Barbara who has been so strong for so long is just shattered in pieces. I feel so deeply sad for them. I have never met her (or been to boobs cos I am a UK bandit) but I have followed her blog forever. I was so pleased and proud of us bloggers for the over 70 comments I saw on her blog this morning. We all really do pull together and no one is alone in their struggles, whatever they are, in this little world of cyber-reality.
It takes something like that for us all to realise what we have created, all of us - A massive network of ladies and men from all over the place living their day to day lives with a band. Our lives come into our blogs so often, but I know I always wonder whats the use of telling some of the boring drivel I write about, but this is how Barbara is gonna get a heap of support she would never have known if she hadn't been a blogger or a bandit. If she had thought it was boring, or not of interest to us to know about her husband, her kids, her home and day to day stuff that shes gotten up to over the years, we would not have known about her struggles of late or be able to sense her pain now. We wouldn't have been able to give her the only thing we can - our love and support.
We never know when we are going to need some kind words, love, prayers, a nudge in the right direction or just to be told to hang in there or that we are doing just fine. Sometimes we get told, and we didn't know we needed it until we see that email flashing with a comment.
Its a cliche that we take stuff for granted, but I feel like I know so many of you, and I guess it goes the same the other way. That's simply lovely.
I am glad that I found all of your people who read my blog. I know that when the chips are down, I have friend's to eat them with!
Love to you all, and it goes without saying but especially to Barbara.
I now have 6.5mls in my band. I had a little freak out earlier as I glugged some orange juice and it just sat there. ARGHHHHHHHH and for an hour it was sat sitting there and in the end had to barf. Since then all has been well. I vaguely remember that orange juice can have that effect. I think I had had a milky coffee earlier so it could have curdles with it... who knows. But at present its all ok.
Here follows a grotesque (i.e. my guttage) section of photos of me having a fill. it was a bad angle ok????!!! My lovely husband is to blame!
All sorted. I hate having to roll down my trousers to my caesarian scar hang over point. Its so humiliating!! Oh well, never mind. Soon I will be a scrawny bint! YAY thanks Jane!
Me and TB went to the gym today. I have been a member since the summer and apart from 1 time (shortly after the induction) I haven't been since.
I don't know why I haven't been cos I always kind of wanted to. Maybe because I had to go with DH and DS and I don't really want to go with them and have it like some family sweat time. DH is kind of competitive and even though he isn't competing with me, just trying to encourage me, it just gets on my tits when someone is like "how many reps did you do? WOW that's AMAZING!!! Well done". Saying that to me is like wrong. I know I shouldn't, but I feel patronised and belittled as if I just accomplished the impossible.
He would hate that I felt that way, but I just do. I don't really wanna be there with him all sweaty and getting down to it and me just loping along on the treadmill without my breathing even changing. I feel like its a competition, even though it's not, and it's a competition I can't win and the whole thing just gets messed up in my head.
Going with DS is OK, but again he gets on my nerves cos he is either complaining all the time or being silly like "look I can go 10km per hour on one leg" or something, and it's not like I am competing with my own son, but it makes me feel small inside and stupid and fat and ugly.
So I have been trying to cajole TB into going, and she finally caved on Wednesday. I booked her induction for this morning and did my workout whilst she was shown the ropes with the instructor. I did 30 mins on the treadmill which was about 1 and a half km and 150 cals apparently. I then had a game of Fish on the rowing machine where you have to pull harder and to get your fish out of the way of the big sharks, but also vary the speed and pace to eat the 'good' fish to gain points. It takes 5 minutes and goes really fast because you are playing a game. Then I played darts, where the rowing machine is timed over 5 of your strokes to aim darts at a dart board. It helps you keep your posture and even rowing pace but gets a bit boring. Took 5 minutes to throw 100 darts and I still had 300 darts left so I though naaaaa and stopped.
Then I had a go on that wobbly tooth tickling machine called PowerPlate and gave myself some massages on full power for a minute a pop. Then I sat on one of the leg press things and had a nice rest whilst TB finished off.
We then went to get a coffee in the club house and went back to hers for some lunch. She LOVED it. I loved going with her cos we are both wanting to lose weight and we work well as a team. It will inspire us both and I think I have kind of missed the regular get togethers we used to have for slimmingworld and the like.
Lost a little bit more. Very peculiar. Weighed in yesterday at 119kgs, so that's pretty good.
Found that this week it's not been that hard to cook every day and leave all the crap out of my diet. If I am basically happy and not too tired I can manage to cook every day, get inspiration to cook and also, most importantly, not snack/end up puking.
Relaxing when I eat has had a big job to play into being ABLE to eat and essentially my emotional well being.
Contrary to practically every other bandster on earth, I seem to do better when I have my dinner on a plate, late at night, in front of the telly, take 3 hours to eat it and drink whilst doing it.
Yep. this is TOTALLY the 'wrong' way to do it apparently but its been brilliant. I think I have found that this is actually the right way for me.
Every day this week I have had soup for late breakfast and lunch then in the evening made dinner with the family. I give myself a plate of dinner too and sit down with them with it in front of me. I have eaten about 3 mouthfuls by the time they have all finished, so I just shove it in the microwave and then wash up, tidy up, get DS to bed, get a big pot of green tea on the brew and prepare myself.
I put a dining chair next to the sofa, put the pot of green tea on it, a cup and my dinner. Then I switch to my favorite programme with DH and we sit and veg. I slowly enjoy my meal, enjoy my tea, and then its time for bed.
This is absolutely freaking PERFECT for me.
It totally cures the "nibble at nightime" thing I used to have going on.
It totally cures the "I can't eat/ *retch*" situation if I try and eat with the family
It totally cures the "they have nice things to eat and I am deprived" emotional turmoil in my head
It makes me relax, take things slow, wind down, spend quality time with DH(ok that can be debated as it is just TV) and also end the day contented and satiated with a minimal amount of calories.
When I was trying to eat my protein first, trying to eat three meals a day etc... it just didn't work and I would puke and then feel rubbish and then eat a slider/chocolate that made me feel happy, full but also fatter.
I have never felt that sweet spot in all the 4 years I have had the band, but I think I've wasted a lot of time looking and to be honest I know I have good restriction. I don't feel hungry. Period. If I ate a bite of bread straight off I would vomit. If I eat too quick/don't chew things to death, I have to either:
1.) Stop and wait
2.) continue above + real deep slow breathing for a minute or two (give a slight buzz!! LOL)
or 3.) Puke
I have been scared as a rabbit in the headlights about breaking my band. After it broke the first time, I have been paranoia central worried about slips and breakage and port rupture etc. I have been so prissy with this thing but using it wrong all at the same time.
If anything it's only this last few weeks since we came back from holiday that I have felt normal. I kind of feel it's OK to be banded. It feels settled, not jerky or sore and I am not scared to eat like I was before in case something got stuck etc. Maybe the easy approach where I just get on with it is actually the best approach for me.
We shall see.
When we came back from holiday I wanted to get a new bracelet. I had one that my dad found in the street. It was pearls and silver plated beads on elastic and it was really nice. The elastic was getting frayed after a few weeks so I asked for it to be put on wire. It came back from our jeweller on nylon with the phrase "this is just as strong" on the bag.
So I wore it, but I really wanted it on silver wire just because it would look better. Anyway after about 3 weeks the bracelet pinged off my arm and showered the car in beads! The little round silver plated beads were very very sharp at the centre as they were made from thin copper and had basically cut through the nylon!
So I gathered up as many as I could and sent them back with a note saying "Obviously not! Put it on WIRE!" on the bag. 6 Weeks later I got it back on some metal wire, which made the whole thing smell like iron or hot pennies and the pattern was wack and some of the beads were even back to front. I think our dog would have made a better pattern match to be honest!
Anyway, although it wasn't the same, I wore it and it was OK I guess, but the ring like clasp they had put on it originally just kept catching on my clothes and whilst we were on holiday it pulled again and the ring clasp pulled all out of shape like a bent paper clip.
I was so disappointed. I had worn it for about 8 weeks out of the 6 months I had had it because of the time it had taken to get it mended (i.e.being for me and not for a 'real' customer) so I just took it off and threw it in the wash bag. I said to DH that when we got back I would make a new one from his Pandora style bead supplier Chrysalis.
So I found all my beads and spacers that I wanted:
And they all of together to make this:
The double chin was of course optional!!
I know it's not a typical Pandora style design that I have chosen but its very close to the original bracelet that my dad found only solid silver and larger. I love all those colourful pretty beads but they just don't look right on me. I nearly had one when we first got the Chrysalis in stock, but it just looked wrong. I also don't like the fact that when you have a few beads on they fall to the bottom of your wrist so you can't really see it. I like them all completely filled up with beads so I can enjoy it too not just the table top!
So I am absolutely thrilled with it. They must have thought we were mental when I said I wanted 9 pearl beads, 7 barrel spacers, 16 Swarovsky Chrystal spacers and a just 1 locket charm!
It's so great having our own shop cos there is NO WAY on this earth I would spend £450 on this bracelet. It cost me £125 trade which I did feel a bit sick at but then it is solid silver and pearl. it will last forever unlike the one my dad found on the street by the playing fields at the back of his house.
The old one was so lovely too, but no one claimed it. It wouldn't have cost that much but it was really nice. they took it to the police and put a card in the shop window but no one claimed it after 3 months so it was theirs. I loved it to bits, literally!! I will keep hold of it as I cant bear to just chuck it, and maybe one day if DS has a little girl she can have it to play dress up with me!
Caroline, did you post on my last message babes? I got the one about a rider, and to delete it but nothing else. I got one today too asking if I posted the post. I assume there was a new one but I didn't get it or something. I also sent you an email but it bounced and then found your email change, so hopefully we will sort it out. I usually get emails from you when you post something, but haven't had anything as yet.
Anyway, just thought I would let you know that I am slowly, very slowly, creeping down the scale. I don't quite know how it is happening, but I GUESS - even after all this time - that its because I am not forcing myself to eat three meals a day, eating one nice meal in the evening and being relaxed when I do so. I cant be consuming 3500 cals doing that, which is what I would need to consume to maintain my fat butted carcass.
I am going for the fill. Hang it, can't hurt can it. We also get 2 months off our council tax payments in Feb and April so I will use it for that. Sweet.
Back from Fuertaventura. It was awesome. High 20's and 30's every day and about minus 10 at night (Celsius!) No, it was really lovely but you did need your cardie in the evenings because until 1st January the bar/lounge was thick with tobacco fog so sitting outside was a bit nippy.
Then a miracle happened. A smoking ban came in for our last week. YAY! So we could sit inside and see each other from across the table. And be a bit warmer too.
Can't believe Spain have introduced a smoking ban. Its a pretty smokey culture lets face it. I don't think anywhere else, apart from china maybe, has such a culture of smoking for leisure. It was fabulous after the ban it really was.
I used to smoke as you know, but never ever felt comfortable smoking in public or in bars... I always took myself off to the garage at home and sat with a blanket and a good book to have my fag. I never smoked inside the house, but I always smoked in the car. It used to while away the hours. I hated going somewhere and coming back reeking of fags so I always avoided smokey dives even when I was on 25 a day!!! Yes, it was really quite a career! Thankfully, and bafflingly, I have never craved cigarettes since stopping, and the smell puts me off more than whets my appetite, so its always find it a bit of a bonus these little smoking bans.
Anyway, news. The results came back clear for Paget's, so that's a bonus. Now we are on to trying to find out what the hell it really is. Apparently its rather baffling. I like to be different!
The band. Meh. What is there to say. It stopped me eating pretty much all holiday so I stayed the same weight (unheard of!) throughout my holiday.
I am toying with the ides of
Having all fluid out and doing slimmingworld really seriously
Having a small fill so that I can eat absolutely naff all.
What say ye?
My fill provider - Jane Wilkinson-Tancock - suggested that maybe I needed a small fill - maybe 0.25ml. Her reasons were because my day is pretty much thus:
breakfast - coffee
lunch - tea (possible soup option)
dinner - tea
evening snack - full meal + toast + snacks
...so I need something to stop me eating so much in the evening.
I would appreciate your thoughts because it does make me wonder why I can eat whatever I please after about 9pm. However I think maybe this is not the best option for me and I should just forget it and do slimmingworld. It seems easier (and cheaper) and it means I can eat stuff.
It will be 4 years in February which I cannot believe. I need to do something one way or another as I just feel uncomfortable. I am not sure if I actually have what it takes to make the band work for me now as I am too far down the line, know all the cheats and am not able to control myself enough not to resort to them.
Maybe I just don't want to lose weight? I dunno. I am pretty sure I do cos I hate the way I look and feel, but I am not sure if I want to submit my body to the puking and not eating things again. I know people say "nooo that is not how it should be!" but it is! It IS like that for me. Either I am not losing weight and eating like above, or too tight and I puke several times a day and get grizzly and annoyed because I cant eat stuff. That is what it's like. There doesn't seem to be the happy medium for me.
I have tried to find it but its the most elusive little fucker on earth.
Anyway, I dunno which way to jump. If I unfill then I have to stick to it or I am going to get bigger. If I have a fill I can see myself sitting in the same situation and being annoyed and frustrated just like I am now + a bit of puking.
Well we shall see. Do I give it one more little shot?
I haven't forgotten the idea of going to your clinic either Caroline :-) I might just do that.I know that when I was trying to stick to my calorie goal on daily plate it was very very hard. I wasn't doing slimmingworld though. If I do slimmingworld I can eat untold stuff and just avoid fats. If I have a fill I will eat less than I am now and that makes me feel a little sick too. Jeez. Does it really matter?