Sunday, 30 May 2010

Need a boost

Hi everyone. There is still no sign of weightloss on the old carcass, but seeing as I am deflated of band and deflated of heart its no great surprise.

However, I have decided that I need a boost. Being this fat again is really not nice. I weigh, give or take, the same amount as when I had my surgery 3 years, 3 months and 16 days ago... but who's counting!

I have had my fill of bread, crumpets, donuts, pizza, chips and bulky meals including the delicious curries and Chinese feasts that I so love and have decided that they don't make me feel better either.

So its a bit like being in between the rock and the hard place.

If eating doesn't make me happy, and being banded doesn't make me happy what the heck will????

I think it just brutally comes down to me and my own willpower/image issues.

I don't have the willpower to eat small amounts of something yummy. I just don't. I have been going to the slimmingworld club religiously since being unfilled and have managed to put on every single week for 8 weeks - except 2 where I stayed the same. I have not once managed to complete an entire day on the plan.

Why? I really want to analyze this, but I cant seem to understand why I do it, or rather don't do it! Why don't i? I really want to know. Is my self image that shite that I actually am forcing myself to be fat? Or am I scared of something? Did I not really like the feeling of being 2 and a half stone lighter than this moment in time (as that's the lowest I have ever gotten)?

I think my personal image is pretty ok to be honest
I don't have a crap opinion of myself in general
I am not scared of being thin
I am not scared of being fat
I loved being 2 and a half stone lighter

what the bloody hell is wrong with me?

Maybe I need to change my view of myself as a dieter. Maybe I set myself up for a fall? I have tried everything and failed at everything and I consider myself un-skinnyable, so therefore I will be.

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what I need to work on.

How the heck can I change that. Its not like have past success to drawn on *insert puzzled ironic face*

My body, my brain and food have a violent relationship. We abuse each other mentally and physically and verbally. Other people are also affected and sometimes join in the gang bang, and the cycle has to stop.

I quit smoking one day on the spur of the moment and haven't lit up for 6 years. I had no cravings, no desire since and no "ex smokers are the worst" syndrome of dissing people that continue. Until the ban, I could sit in a fug of cigarette smoke without feeling the slightest twinge of need at any time. I was psychologically addicted to them, and was symbolically able to sever that addiction with one of those huge Chinese meat cleavers in one foul swoop.

The severing of that psychological/emotional dependency was such a success that I struggle to even think that I am an ex smoker. Its as if I never smoked before in my life.

The key to that severing was biblical. I don't talk about my faith at all here. Its not something I wish to discuss, and not something I even thought had a relevance to my weightloss until this moment.

Trying to work out the key to my quitting smoking, has brought it into sharp focus. I quit smoking because I realized that my body is a temple that should not be polluted with filth.

Now you could equally apply this wisdom to yourself when you consider what your parents did for you (however good/rubbish they were at that). This doesn't necessarily have to be about God, but I just watched the film The Passion of the Christ and it moved me so much. I sat in my arm chair smoking a Superking menthol because the local shop had run out of my favorite brand - Lambert & Butler Menthol - and considered the film. I was in a state of shock. I was the same shock as I would be if someone told me all my family had just been wiped out in a car wreck. I was physically shocked. Crying, shaky and shivery and unable to think straight. I was ruined by this film because it made me realized I had to do something with my life and that the bible was not a story full of words you cant understand. I realized that someone (in my case God) had given me my life, my beautiful life, clean pure and unharmed coming into this world. Everything working just as it should do, as far as it can do in this polluted world far from perfection.

That life was mine for the molding. No one was asking anything, no one was needing anything, it was just a gift. No matter how what I had done with that life thus far, or how people had treated that life thus far, each day was a new gift. The age old saying 'Turn over a new Leaf' meant something to me now.

Then i realized that smoking cigarettes was slowly killing that beautiful fresh body that I had been given. The body slowly ages and dies of something anyway, and I was just accelerating this process. It was like I was shoving 2 fingers up at the person who had given me this life, and I was sorry that I had.

I stubbed that cigarette out and never had another. That part of my life was over.

Maybe I need to capture this little gem of truth again and re work it to consider the way I am clogging the arteries of my life's force, how I am fast tracking for diabetes, and how my career of food abuse needs to end once and for all time.

Now here's the catch.... I still have to eat every day. It always comes down to that.

So let me work on this a little.

Chew it over.

Mull it.



Random updates:
Shop is doing great and we are paying the bills and still having enough to eat, so all is ok so far on that score

Sue has left the building - think you already know that, but she is history. She has only contacted us regarding her cat - who is systematically ruining the home of the person she gave him too... she wants ideas and me thinks,,, hints at the possibility of him returning here. NO WAY JOSE!

Ally - the new lodger arrives in less than a week, and we are all looking forward to meeting him.

We are off out on a boat this afternoon with my Uncle and Aunt. We haven't seen them for 11 years, so lets hope its not going to end in one of us overboard!

Thursday, 6 May 2010

hmmm

Well I am sitting here eating 3 slices of toast with butter on. It seemed a good time to write a few words about my weightloss expedition. It would seem that the party of 1 has stopped bothering.

I am alive, well and still huge. I think I am currently 17 stone 9 ( 247lbs) or there abouts. This means that I am only 5 pounds less than I was when I had my original Lap Band surgery, and just 2 pounds shy of the weight I was when I had it fixed.

I am just having a plain old rest up. I don't care right now about my weight, its just nice to eat things again. Its nice not to have to worry about each mouthful or think of portion size or worry about puking in-front of my family on a daily basis.

When I am good and ready I can take it back off the shelf and give it a go again. I am pretty sure that I was in a no win situation with my band a month or so back where it was inflamed, so i ate crap, then tried to eat too much cos feeling shit about myself eating crap, then it inflamed again bla bla bla.

I am sure I stretched my little pouch, and needed to have it released so that things can return to normal. Funnily enough I still don't feel like I am completely normal. When I had pizza the other day I had to stop a bit and let it go down... but its basically just like the old me again.

My stomach has definitely shrunk though, which is amazing. I cannot eat the quantities of food which I used to, and its not because there is the residual elements of the band.. its because my stomach feels like its going to explode with sheer gluttony! Its the stomach actually telling me to stop for a change, which I have never EVER had before or since banding.

So, maybe there are some positives. However, I do feel like I think only of the negatives. I cant seem to help myself. We just decorated the hall and stairs, and the pic of my brother and me at his wedding just before I had the disastrous unfill in September 2008 is where I weighed 15 stone 7. thats 2 stone less (28lbs!) and it does make a difference to the way I look. Just 2 measly stone is all it is between looking like a fat munter and looking passably normal.

Ho hum.

Anyway, couple that with all the other shit, I think I just need a break. I have stopped taking amatryptaline as it was SCREWING MY BRAIN OUT. I was not getting used to it and it made me feel as terrible as terrible can be, so they started me a couple weeks ago on Gabapentin. its an anti epileptic, and helps with nerve pain - which is apparently what I have. They use it for people who have a car smash, crush their arm and have to amputate, but that person can still feel the pain in the arm even though its not there. The damaged nerves never heal because they were severed. They think this happened somehow in my bladder from a terrible infection. The only terrible infection I remember was when I was 14. It was awful and I was in hospital and they thought I had meningitis, but I didn't. It was a kidney infection apparently. So that's what they think its from, and its never gone away. I suffered with what I thought was cystitis for years and years, but actually it was this. The only time the pain went away, was when I was on anti depressants. But I have been off them for 18 months now, so that's why it all came back again.

the gabapentin is certainly helping. I have had maybe 1 or 2 twinges over the last few weeks, but that's it. I am now (as of last night) up to the full dosage so that should go completely soon - I have had to step the dosages you see rather than just swallow 300mg in one go.

So that's all good. I am still going to slimmingworld, although the woman must think I am crazy since I have put on 7 pounds since joining her class!! We changed our names, and went to a new town and they have no idea who we are HAHAHA awesome. So much for their privacy policy eh? I think that sux what they did to me, and that didn't help my mood or decision to have an unfill. those consultants need sacking, but they didn't want to hear it at head office when I called... i wrote about it about 2 years ago on here.

Anyway, thanks for all your support, I will update this now and then let you know I am still alive, and of course let you know when I resume the expedition in all earnest.

There are glimmers of hope... I have been reading about Chinese diets for weightloss... so something is still going on in this mind and doesn't want to give up, but just has to have a little nap for a while.

speak later