Friday, 16 April 2010

musings

New shop open 2 weeks-
* DH given up job to run shop so last expected pay check was on 31th March giving me the willies a little bit about how to pay bills this month, even though initial signs for shop are more than good.
* still have a few bits to do in the shop - shelving and making a cupboard - easy, but on my mind
* have lots of big stock bills at the end of every month until September. This month £1000, next month £2000 june=£3000 july £1000 august £3000 ontop of normal shop running costs and paying ourselves

Slimmingworld-
* class stabbed me all over with many pains when I found out that they think I am a moron anyway for having a band and that it serves me right that I am finding things difficult. Jealousy perhaps? no difference, makes me feel shit and hurt and all because slimmingworld PIG at 1st class told the leader of our 2nd class we joined that I had a band and suddenly everyone in the class knew without me mentioning it AT ALL. very bad form considering slimmingworlds Privacy policy and even though taken up with head office they say their leaders are in the right. This is bollocks as I never told them about it or anyone in that class.
* New class changed names so as not to be recognized from ANY previous class and drive out of my way to get there
* 1st week back put on 1 lb. feel shit
* struggle with no msg and slimmingworld lowfat diet other than eating veg and meat as total source sustainance. end of. That's boring food in my opinion.

Dad-
* fixed up concoction for skin regeneration for him. sourced it, cost £45 in 9 different tablets and batted away "it wont work" comments from him and mum
* concoction working and unbelievable results being seen in just 2 weeks.
* healing means operation for illiostomy reversal will be sooner rather than later = fear of losing father

Dodgy Piston-
* new pills trip off face
* new pills = want to eat LOADS
* pain sorted
* give weird extreme depressive thoughts worse than when had clinical depression. want stop planet and get off

Accounts-
* my end of year accounts need doing
* lost mileage sheets so must use route calculator to calculate route of 5 trips per week for a year. each trip takes approx 4 minutes to process online through a route planner (various stops e.g. start, town 1, town 2, town 3, town 4, town 5, towns 3 again and then home!) total work load envisaged = 12 hours. God.

DH's Accounts-
* headache plain and simple. takes hours working out how to use new account package which should make it easy. DOESNT.
* daily fluff and shiz must be entered and balanced doing head in

DS butt problem-
* worry DS still has trouble with rear end. Dioreah still daily even though taking medicine
* missed hospital appointment by accident on thursday now must wait until 1st June for next one

Sue leaving-
* 2 years after coming here, Sue our lodger is leaving. She got nice bungalow 100 odd miles away and cant turn down - from some ex-navy charity trust offering ex-servicewomen places to live proper cheap. awesome for her. upsetting for us as will miss dearly
* stress finding new lodger - no bites in the 2 weeks since told leaving.

General malaise
* feel dreadful
* feel sleepy and tired
* feel emotionally bankrupt
* want to hide
* want to go away
* want to spend lots of money of pointless shit (but cant cos have none)
* want to eat cakes and pies and takeaway at all times (cant cos lack of said funds)
* *(BLOW MASSIVE RASPBERRY) thats wot its like right now.

Monday, 12 April 2010

And then I was freeeeeee

I did it. i just could NOT take it any more. I had my fluid out.

Ok... not alllll of it, but a lot! I now only have only 4ml in Albert Ladysmith Steptoe, and I am one happy happy HAPPY girl.
I had that 0.5 out about 5 weeks ago, and it was ok... I could drink water and liquids without worrying at last, and trust me that was a sweet relief, but I still was not achieving what I wanted - which was to eat. Not eat crap - eat a variety of foods, chew things to death for sure, but eat them ALL. I wanted to eat a sandwich again if I so wanted. I wanted to have a roast potato, a piece of chicken would be nice occasionally too. I wanted to have carrots, peas and sweetcorn and other luscious veg. Prawns and tuna steaks and egg! I could not believe how much I really really wanted to eat just plain old normal foods.

So after a 4 week trial on 0.5ml out, I had 3ml removed on 3rd April by Jane the band lady. (her website is at www.gastricbandfill.com for your info H - sorry it took me ages to get that to you!!)
I must say that after the 0.5ml was taken out, initially I was able to eat foods again in the first week or so, but funnily enough it seemed to tighten up again in week 2 around my period. It never got slack again and I was back to square one - tight as a ducks bum and twice as nasty! I was having to eat some kind of gravy or home made sauce of some kind to get anything down worth an ounce of nutrition, and I was reverting to junk again big time.
Doing the shop up was stressful as I was foreman, donkey, holder of the purse strings, front of house and dogsbody all at the same time. It was hard doing it on one bite of this, one bite of that, and I was grazing like a cow in pasture.
I was miserable and fed up and after 3 years with fuck all weightloss I had had enough to be frank.

After having the blissful 3ml out I went up by 7 pounds practically overnight. It was probably only to do with the fact that I could eat a full meal 3 times a day really, but the weight gain has stopped now and this week I have lost a pound without even trying. The band is still doing something to me, or has shrunk my stomach, as my portions are not near what they used to be and I am only hungry three times a day as opposed to all day long before the band, or never hungry when I was at 7.5mls full.
Me and TB also started another Slimmingworld class last Thursday and its in a completely different town with no overlap and no one we know. No one knows who we are, or that I have a band and we even changed out surnames (I am NOT kidding!!) so that it could not be traced either. I am fed up of people judging me in some way or another about having the band.

I have been very unhappy with my band, but I have to say I think its because I had the terrible problems with it in the beginning and not becuase it doesnt work. It obviously does work as people are losing weight hand over fist - but not me. I was 18 stone (252lbs) when I had the band, and now I am 17 stone 4lb (242lbs) - thats 10lbs in over 3 years.

So, I am going to give myself a god-damn break. I am fed up with criticizing myself, my band and letting my own wacko brain imagine what people are thinking about me; I am just going to be normal for a change. I need to rest that stoma & pouch of mine and let it plump, fluff, re-juice or whatever it needs to do so that I can maybe (and I do mean maybe) re open that little toolbox later on down the road.

At the moment, I am going to give slimmingworld another good go. I am still going to remain msg free because I have found so many benefits from withholding it from my diet - sleeping better, more alert in the morning and a general sense of wellbeing + much more. That will be hard to do, but I can do a diet without the need for fat free yoghurt or low fat products no problem.
Can you believe that I nearly wept when I ate an apple the other day. It was sooooo yummy. I haven't been able to eat apple for at least a year. That's so not right. I know bandsters who are losing and happy and eat a variety of foods, so that means my band was too tight by far as most food was off limits, or I had to go to some great length to limber up my hole to get a morsel down.
So for the mo, I am happy being unrestricted, and I am going for it with slimmingworld. Thankfully the hunger pangs are under control because there is still 4ml in my band which helps with that I am sure. We shall see.

I also had another appointment at the hospital re my errant 'piss-ton' as we refer to it! I hate calling it a urethra or pee hole, so we thought Piston was just fabulous!! Apparently there is nothing else they can do surgically to stop my bladder pain which differs to cause me 'piston pain'. Thats good then. So as I was about to leave I mentioned again to him that I might try going back on my antidepessant pills because I never had any greif when I took them, and he went "Oh yeah!" and then I sat back down as he 'remembered' that he was going to prescribe me amitryptaline. Amitriptaline???????? OMFG!!!!!

As the cold sweat subsided and I regained composure and asked him if that was really necessary, he said it was just going to be a low dose 20mg or so. Phew!! However when I picked up the tablets from the hospital pharmacy they said "lucky its a bank holiday weekend hey?"
Yeah... side effect city. Oh man, Sunday I was off my face and Monday wasnt much better. I am only just about getting there now but it HAS sorted it. I have no piston pain at all. I dont mind feeling drunk all day long if I dont have piston trouble!! HAHA

So I am on psycho trippy drugs and have an unfilled band.... hee hee heeeeee not a good time to have tablets that give you the munchies!!!

Spacious dude
The shop is all finished, heres the result: