Sunday, 30 May 2010

Need a boost

Hi everyone. There is still no sign of weightloss on the old carcass, but seeing as I am deflated of band and deflated of heart its no great surprise.

However, I have decided that I need a boost. Being this fat again is really not nice. I weigh, give or take, the same amount as when I had my surgery 3 years, 3 months and 16 days ago... but who's counting!

I have had my fill of bread, crumpets, donuts, pizza, chips and bulky meals including the delicious curries and Chinese feasts that I so love and have decided that they don't make me feel better either.

So its a bit like being in between the rock and the hard place.

If eating doesn't make me happy, and being banded doesn't make me happy what the heck will????

I think it just brutally comes down to me and my own willpower/image issues.

I don't have the willpower to eat small amounts of something yummy. I just don't. I have been going to the slimmingworld club religiously since being unfilled and have managed to put on every single week for 8 weeks - except 2 where I stayed the same. I have not once managed to complete an entire day on the plan.

Why? I really want to analyze this, but I cant seem to understand why I do it, or rather don't do it! Why don't i? I really want to know. Is my self image that shite that I actually am forcing myself to be fat? Or am I scared of something? Did I not really like the feeling of being 2 and a half stone lighter than this moment in time (as that's the lowest I have ever gotten)?

I think my personal image is pretty ok to be honest
I don't have a crap opinion of myself in general
I am not scared of being thin
I am not scared of being fat
I loved being 2 and a half stone lighter

what the bloody hell is wrong with me?

Maybe I need to change my view of myself as a dieter. Maybe I set myself up for a fall? I have tried everything and failed at everything and I consider myself un-skinnyable, so therefore I will be.

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what I need to work on.

How the heck can I change that. Its not like have past success to drawn on *insert puzzled ironic face*

My body, my brain and food have a violent relationship. We abuse each other mentally and physically and verbally. Other people are also affected and sometimes join in the gang bang, and the cycle has to stop.

I quit smoking one day on the spur of the moment and haven't lit up for 6 years. I had no cravings, no desire since and no "ex smokers are the worst" syndrome of dissing people that continue. Until the ban, I could sit in a fug of cigarette smoke without feeling the slightest twinge of need at any time. I was psychologically addicted to them, and was symbolically able to sever that addiction with one of those huge Chinese meat cleavers in one foul swoop.

The severing of that psychological/emotional dependency was such a success that I struggle to even think that I am an ex smoker. Its as if I never smoked before in my life.

The key to that severing was biblical. I don't talk about my faith at all here. Its not something I wish to discuss, and not something I even thought had a relevance to my weightloss until this moment.

Trying to work out the key to my quitting smoking, has brought it into sharp focus. I quit smoking because I realized that my body is a temple that should not be polluted with filth.

Now you could equally apply this wisdom to yourself when you consider what your parents did for you (however good/rubbish they were at that). This doesn't necessarily have to be about God, but I just watched the film The Passion of the Christ and it moved me so much. I sat in my arm chair smoking a Superking menthol because the local shop had run out of my favorite brand - Lambert & Butler Menthol - and considered the film. I was in a state of shock. I was the same shock as I would be if someone told me all my family had just been wiped out in a car wreck. I was physically shocked. Crying, shaky and shivery and unable to think straight. I was ruined by this film because it made me realized I had to do something with my life and that the bible was not a story full of words you cant understand. I realized that someone (in my case God) had given me my life, my beautiful life, clean pure and unharmed coming into this world. Everything working just as it should do, as far as it can do in this polluted world far from perfection.

That life was mine for the molding. No one was asking anything, no one was needing anything, it was just a gift. No matter how what I had done with that life thus far, or how people had treated that life thus far, each day was a new gift. The age old saying 'Turn over a new Leaf' meant something to me now.

Then i realized that smoking cigarettes was slowly killing that beautiful fresh body that I had been given. The body slowly ages and dies of something anyway, and I was just accelerating this process. It was like I was shoving 2 fingers up at the person who had given me this life, and I was sorry that I had.

I stubbed that cigarette out and never had another. That part of my life was over.

Maybe I need to capture this little gem of truth again and re work it to consider the way I am clogging the arteries of my life's force, how I am fast tracking for diabetes, and how my career of food abuse needs to end once and for all time.

Now here's the catch.... I still have to eat every day. It always comes down to that.

So let me work on this a little.

Chew it over.

Mull it.

Random updates:
Shop is doing great and we are paying the bills and still having enough to eat, so all is ok so far on that score

Sue has left the building - think you already know that, but she is history. She has only contacted us regarding her cat - who is systematically ruining the home of the person she gave him too... she wants ideas and me thinks,,, hints at the possibility of him returning here. NO WAY JOSE!

Ally - the new lodger arrives in less than a week, and we are all looking forward to meeting him.

We are off out on a boat this afternoon with my Uncle and Aunt. We haven't seen them for 11 years, so lets hope its not going to end in one of us overboard!

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