Monday, 29 June 2009

2 Pounds Removed From Me Carcass

Weighbridge went well. Considering the chocolate-a-thon, and having the painters in too - 2 pounds off has me well chuffed.

I came home and celebrated with a nice smoked salmon salad and the omnibus edition of Neighbours. I'm now off to sun my sleeker self in the garden and have a splash in the pool. 28 and a half degrees here in Sunny Cambridgeshire :o)

Sunday, 28 June 2009

Roast dinner

Hi all. Today we had the pleasure of DH's Dad and his mistress for Sunday Luncheon. It is always a most unpleasant experience and today was no different.

I honestly don't get the bloke - as I have said many times before.

Today they drove up in their new Freelander and hopped down. He was wearing his usual Farah slacks and nylon shirt, but with a stunning belt accessory in a waterproof camouflage design with the logo 'sport style' emblazoned on the front in a crazy font for his blackberry to go in.

I want to vomit just recanting this diabolical tale of cringeworthyness.

Personally I think freelanders are fine. Nowt wrong with them. DH's Dad having one though is just hilarious. The is some white haired, pot bellied, jumped up, shoulder chipped, small penis'ed little man trying to make people think he is someone special. It's glaringly obvious he's never been to charm school as he has the social graces of a mute vole.

His mistress was nicely attired however, although it was a shame she forgot to wash her hair this year, and we scurried her into the house before the neighbours saw. No, I am kidding in a way because I seriously don't give a hoot what people think of us. We are bog standard brits living Bogstandardville. Infact it would be great for the neighbours to see the 'odd couple' and then we could all laugh at them. The reason I write this stuff about them is to make myself feel better for the way they hurt me, DS and DH every time we see them. Also it helps to emphasise that they REALLY have tickets on themselves (smothered in them) and they look like something the cat dragged in. People like them deserve to be picked apart; in fact, they are positively inviting it!

Anyway, Dad stands in the porch for 15 minutes because he is a social leper and it takes DH calling him over for him to join the party. Mistress has already roamed the house and gardens and looked me up and down 50 times by the time he has actually overcome his retarded embarrassment of being outside his own house/car/ comfort zone.

They brought with them their dog called Brandi. So Geoffrey and Brandi are happily licking each others bits on the lawn and I am cooking Lunch and making tea etc.

DS is excited about the up and coming piano recital that he will play in and wants to show Grandad... Grandad promptly ignores him. He does this kind of thing a lot. He ignores you and looks like he is trying to dream up something clever to say and then the moment is gone and it leaves an uncomfortable silence and him looking like a prick and DS upset and me wanting to ram his head through the wall behind him.

Then DS asks him to sponsor him. After reading through the sponsor form and picking holes in it and being stupid and being a complete prat about everything to do with everything, 2 hours later he makes a BIG HUGE show of giving DS and tenner for it.

He sits snorking and talking through his three rotting front teeth about how he is doing this with his 'company' (tin pot effort), and how they have to spend £1000000 pounds doing this and that and £1000000 was spent on this dinner or that event or some other complete rubbish. I must admit I wasn't taking much notice, but its always about how much money this has cost or whatever. At its always £100000000000000000000000000 if you know what I mean.

Then they TELL us about themselves and how wonderful they are and their neighbours and how funny they are and how their neighbours have a friend who has a dog who has a auntie who has a brother who built a house and its fabulous and amazing and has four double 'beeeeardroooms' (because he likes to say things wrong on purpose because he is a stupid C***) and thinks this is very impressive. Its so tragic because they are trying sooooooo hard to impress people all the time and actually they fail because the things they are trying to impress people with are just run of the mill anyway! Talk about small dick syndrome.

Then we hear about these people who he knows who are the head of some company or other, and the MD this, and the chief exec that, and how they are 'really nice guys'. I dont know why, but the bloke makes me CRINGE and want to eat my own ears off when he says this. 'They are really nice guys' with his stupid stumpy toothed little chuckle of self improtance to himself - *WRETCH*

Oh my days. I am just glad that DH feels exactly the same way.

Then we have a great tirade of abuse about their next door neighbour because he commits the crime of having 2 cars and a camper van on the drive. Apparently he will be emailing the owner of the house (its rented) and ask them to move them. Oh sweet mercy.

Thankfully. one of the things we didn't get today was some kind of lawsuit pending against someone. He absolutely loves talking about suing this person or that company or whatever for £1000000000000000000. Again it apparently sounds impressive. Ummm No.

Then I made them all sit at the table and called over "Dad, do you want parsnips" which he completely refused to answer until Mistress nudges him and he snorks and then goes "no fankyoo" in a weak pathetic dumb voice. (remember he doesn't talk properly, and snorks or sighs before every word he does get out. Hardcore)
so I serve up roast beef, roast potato, green beans and carrots with a lovely gravy and they all tuck in heartily. Then we had strawberrys and cream and the cream got passed around to everyone and then we realised he hadn't put some on his... he just passed the jug around. This was so he could pour ALL the rest of the cream on his food - the cheeky bastard. So no one got a little extra and there was none left for the cats or anything else that I might have wanted to do with it!

I picked up all the plates and the bloke never even muttered a thank you. Mistress can only talk about her daughter and how her daughter has this and that and the other and its always twice as big or bad as what you have or have done or... well you know what I mean.

They spoke nothing but bullshit for the whole afternoon and when we were waving them off with gritted teeth (hoping that he would scratch his precious penis extension of a freelander) we realised that he had not once asked us how our holiday was, told us how well DS played his piano piece, wish us luck for the recital, asked how DH's job was going, asked what Ds was up to with his home school or looked at any of his projects, commented on the garage conversion ( even though he went in there today with DS to see the dog - last time he came he completely ignored the fact that it was there) and he had ignored every subtle little subject leader that we brought up about our lives - DH running the badminton club, DS doing drama etc

They couldn't give less of a shit about us if they tried.

I wish I was one of those writers who could sum up a persons character completely and really get across how this guy is, but I can't. I know there must be a word for this type of wannabe old fart who is self centred to a fault and has to invent this make believe world of wealth which he simply cannot pull off because he is an ill bred peasant. The fact that he has to do this with his own SON though... that is the tragedy of it all. What kind of person cannot be themselves with their own offspring?

Sometimes I wonder how the hell DH popped out of his Mum and Dad, or even how his sister can be so completely different to him. Its like they got this special person that dropped out of the sky or was swapped at birth because DH is the complete antithesis of his father. Thank GOD!

Bandwise, well its being very good. I am eating everything still which is good but not needing to snack. I am finding that Slimmingworld, doing it properly this time around, is actually very easy. Its not like this for me without the band though, so long may things stay the way they are.

I had a slice of beef, some green beans, 2 roast potatoes and carrots with gravy today for dinner and strawberrys with a mullerlite on. Not cream as you all probably thought!! Naughty naughty!! No, I was a good girl and I had vanilla mullerlite on my strawberries and so my dinner was about 1 syn (for the gravy). All the potatoes and parsnips were roasted with fry light, so it was great. The extra easy diet is so easy its unreal.

I got the dreaded curse on Thursday, so I have no idea what that will do to my weigh this week. I am still hoping for a loss because if I gain I will be devastated. I will try hard to remember that if it is a gain, its just fluid retention. Its so hot too, that I am taking on a lot more water this week Its been so hot and muggy and yucky. I know I had that dodgy day where I ate the chocolates, but I have been so good the rest of the week that I think it will be fine.

So off to the weighbridge tomorrow am. Will keep you posted.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

2 hours









Just done a long walk in 26 Degrees. We were out for 2 hours and walked roads, fields of grass, dirt tracks, linseed fields and country paths and allotments around the village. Been to places today I didn't know existed and saw how beautiful some of the places here are when the sun is shining.

Feel better for doing that and must have burned off a few of those naughty calories too.

Bad Girl

It was my Friend's daughters Prom yesterday, and I said that I would do her nails for her. She came over on Monday and I did her a flash set of pink and whites and they looked awesome. She gave me a bunch of pink roses which were gorgeous, and then

a
BIG
box
of
Cadbury's Heroes
They sat like a giant elephant on the piano all Monday, all Tuesday, and all yesterday and this morning I ran downstairs and grabbed them after DH went to work and sat in bed and stuffed half a box. I feel like a nasty little sneak and a horrible cow because I told DS that he couldn't have any and that I was going to give them away to someone as a pressie. Now he is eating the remains and then we are going to go out and have a really really REALLY long walk because I feel so bad and sick just thinking about my disgusting fatness and hopefully will lose some of those pointless calories I ingested. Anyone know how much walking burns?

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Yesterday

I felt horrible yesterday.

At 2:30 we had a phone call from the RSPCA man. Sue's cat Felix had been run over and was badly injured. Now, it is Sue's cat, but it obviously lives here, was born here, and his parents are our pets. Felix is our cat too in that respect.

The poor animal had an eye hanging out of its socket, was pouring blood and couldn't walk. Sue has him insured as a result of not being insured this time last year when the dog savaged him and having to pay £700. The person who ran him over was apparently distraught, and sat with him for over an hour and a half waiting for the RSPCA man to turn up. They saved his little life, because they kept him still and warm.

RSPCA man took him to our Vets and Sue pulled her curlers out and bombed down after him. When she came home they had made a quick summary and said that he would lose the eye, was not responding to light with the other one and also had a fractured jaw. There could be internal injuries too, but they didn't know yet, put him on a drip and sedated him and calmed him down.

Later in the day they phoned Sue and said that he needed intensive care treatment and needed to be transferred to The Queen's Veterinary School, which is part of Cambridge University. I took her whilst she sat in the back with Felix and we booked him in. What a place. Its really state of the art and I guess he is in the best place possible.

So they anaesthetised him fully yesterday to do tests etc and the whole diagnosis is that he has very very badly broken his jaw and its in pieces. They wired it shut yesterday whilst he was under anaesthetic to keep him from damaging it further, and they will repair that with wire etc tomorrow (Thursday). He had his left eye removed yesterday too and the other is blind and not in particularly good shape, so they are going to monitor that and its possible they will remove that one tomorrow as well. His Left leg is shattered too. They will pin, repair and cast this tomorrow when they do the jaw.

Today he is having a break from surgery and resting under heavy sedation in preparation for the main surgery tomorrow.

Our cats are not insured, so they would have been put down. Felix is, so Sue is doing all she can to help him. I am not sure that I would have made the same decision, but its up to her. He will be a blind house cat which we shall all have to adapt to, so we shall have to see how that works out and how he does with his recovery.

If a Human was in a RTA and had multiple injuries, we wouldn't put them down, and I would rather be blind and alive than dead I think... but that's about the only way I can justify fixing him up. My heart would have made me put him out of his misery I think, but then the vet says that he isn't in pain and will hopefully make a full recovery... but is that true?

I don't know. I just feel so so so sorry for the person who ran him over. It turns out it was one of my very good friends who lives a couple of roads up. Out of all the cats it had to be Felix, and out of all the people it had to be my friend. At least I know why the person sat with them for 1 and a 1/2 hours now. She adores cats and is such a lovely caring person. I think she is more devastated about it than we are.

So rubbish Tuesday. I hadn't eaten anything all day due to the drama's and about 6pm I was struggling and needed sugar. I got a Fridge milkshake and some yogurt coated banana chips and some kiddies sweets. I was going to get a Chinese on the way home too but stopped myself. I had some left over chilli con carne that I made the other day instead and then a few fishfingers.

Not the best, but they way I as feeling I could have eaten chocolates, crisps and ice cream and pigged right out, but I didn't.

Back on track today and feeling much better as things seem to be looking up for little Felix.

The boys are at the cinema, and I am home alone having a chill out. Great stuff.

For lunch I made 1 slice toast with baked beans and a poached egg. I managed half of that and then had to admit defeat. My band is not great at eating early on, so will leave it until dinner now.

Monday, 22 June 2009

4 POUNDS GONE - Slimmer of the Week

I am pretty darn chuffed with myself.

Went to see Wendy yesterday at the Clinic in Harley Street, London. I had gained 11 pounds since seeing her last time. I was glad to be able to tell her that it would have been 18 POUNDS had I not been doing the Slimmingworld plan for the last 2 weeks. I jumped on the scales there and weighed in at 17 stone 1.5 so I knew I had lost about 3 and a half pounds this week as a sneak preview before today's official weigh in at slimmingworld.

We had a good chat about things. I told her that I do feel restriction, and that I can eat basically anything. I told her my concern over being able to eat too much, and that I thought the amount I was consuming was too large, and she asked me a couple of good questions back. Do I stop during the meal and think 'Am I full?'? Am I eating a wide variety of foods and mainly protein and vegetables? Do I snack when I don't need to?

I gleaned from our conversation that my band is doing its job well, I just need to open my ears more. I need to put less on my plate, and think during the meal about how I am feeling. Doing slimmingworld is now the thing I need to do to keep in control. I need the weekly weigh in and to follow some kind of advice.

So when I went today I decided to stay to class. I was really glad I did because I was slimmer of the week! I got my half stone award too, and all the fruit (not that much of it will pass my lips as I find fruit difficult to eat with all the skins... too much chewing needed!)

So this weeks loss was 4 pounds, taking me to 17 stone 1, and I have an extra 0.2ml in my band taking it to 7mls in total.

I am just about to have lunch - new potato and vegetables. I know that there should be protein in there, but I don't fancy it and I am having a roast tonight, so will make up for it then.

Rock on weightloss!

Friday, 19 June 2009

Cooltimez

Everything is going okey dokey. Fill booked for Sunday (21st June) so that will be good. diet going well, not had any blips or mess ups this week. I have definitely used my syns allowance each day though!! HA HA.

Thought I would show you a nice little lunch I prepared which was exceedingly tasty. Made the sauce from a teaspoon horseraddish sauce, juice from half a lemon, loads of dill and teaspoon of olive oil, teaspoon of sugar and water to thin. (oil and lemon makes a thick sauce) Its homemade so at least I can work out how many calories/syns are in it and it tasted yummy. My first option would have been to smother the salad with salad creme, or shop bought dill sauce, but that's too fattening in the quantities I like it!!

So, here is Smoked Salmon and Cream Cheese Salad. Yum.


Oh, and by the way, I ate ALL of this and pudding!

Today I had 2 poached eggs on a slice of dry toast, some plain noodles for lunch and just had chicken stir-fry for tea.

The poached eggs were a little bit 'out there'. I grabbed what I thought was celery salt from the spice draw and gave it a good shake, only to realise after the second shake that it was in fact ground cloves. Gulp. So, I wiped the excess off, leaving yellow eggs with minimal (but essentially loads of) ground cloves on them. I decided adding celery salt at this stage would be a bad idea, so what a surprise to find that it actually made them rather more palatable than just plain. It is probably not going to be a recurring event, but it was not unpleasant either and I finished them all up.

DS is visiting Granny this week. He went on Wednesday to stay the night. then we got a call... "can I stay another night?" Of course!! So its now Friday, and he is due back on Monday! Its extremely weird not having him about the place. Home schooling means that you have you child with you 24/7 and absolutely NO time to yourself. I honestly don't mind this, but it has been seriously nice to just get up when I want, do what I want, go shopping, have a coffee with a mate, go for a walk - in PEACE! Also little Geoffrey has gone with him, so that's even more of a break!

Our new lodger Charlotte moves in on 27th June too, so that will be nice. She is very young, just 19, but has been renting a flat in the village where we live. She seems to have her head screwed on because she decided to rent a room somewhere rather than continue with the lease because it was crippling her financially. She wants to go to Australia in 2010 so this way she can save loads of money to do that. Looking forward to her arrival.

Also, we just booked a beach holiday in Crete. I am Sooooo looking forward to that already! 4* all inclusive on the beach. Czech republic was fabulous, but it was a doing' holiday. this will be a complete 2 week slob out and book reading fest. Great.

Diet and fitness wise, I spent 37 minutes exercising today. I used the Wii Fit for about 4 sessions of hula hooping, and then a 3 minute jog on the spot. Then it unlocked Free Jogging, so I thought I would give it a go. I did a 10 minute jog - up and down the front room as jogging on the spot is killing - and ran 3k according to there guide. I don't know how accurate that is, but the 10 minutes is dead on! Then I did a 10 minute step thing and really flung my arms about. I was well proud of myself.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

OK, I did it

I booked a fill.

Yesterday I ate a lot. I ate a half bag of ready prepared salad leaves with Salmon and beetroot and then followed it with a yoghurt... Now, that was a big salad. Actually I put the salad in the serving bowl and just kept it right in there and added dressing and 4 chopped beetroot and the piece of hot salmon and ate it right from the dish. It was a B I G salad.... but I finished it with a yoghurt.

Yesterday evening I did a BBQ. It was nearly raining... spots here and there, you know. So I cooked up 16 sausages, 6 quorn fillets, fried some onions and boiled some new potato's. DH, DS and Sue all had hot dogs in buns with new potatoes, and I PUT 3 quorn fillets on my plate and some new potatoes. I ate 2 of the fillets, DS nicked one and of the 3 that were left over - the cats pinched one of them. Later on at about 8:30 I finished off what was left of the potatoes and the fillets.

Ok, all of this food today was completely allowed on slimmingworld - Free food in fact - Salad, fish, potato, quorn, beetroot... but its not the kind of diet I envisaged after banding.

Thankfully I know there is nothing wrong with my band like there was last time. I still have 'restriction' to a degree, but to be honest maybe what I think restriction is... isn't!

I think of restriction being - 'I cant eat another bite or I will puke' so I will wait a bit and then eat some more. Well, this is the case if I eat too fast or don't chew. But maybe restriction really is 'I cant eat another bite because I am full'. This doesn't happen. I could happily continue eating until the cows come home. So considering that I am eating way too much, have been gaining weight steadily (unless doing a diet) its got to be time to see Wendy again.

Had a row with the National Insurance office today too. Honestly what is wrong with the world. I did my tax return the day the self assessment form came through, realised that I had paid NI all last year when actually I didn't need to because I was earning under the threshold. I wrote to them and asked for a refund. The was 6th April. I called about mid May asking if there was any news... "It gets sorted in the beginning of June" I was told. Ok. So I called back last Monday and they said the refund was issued 28th April for £89.70.

So, it DOESN'T get sorted the beginning of June, and also where the hell is my cheque then? That's over 5 weeks ago. She said "I will have to check the cheque has not been cashed, and then they will re-issue it."

I rang back today to see if there had been a problem and the chap said "Well it's not our department. It says it was issued, so .... bal bla bla" but as I was proper GRIEVED he gave me the number for another department who deal with issuing refunds.

She said "Oh, it looks like it was actioned but never issued. I will look into it. But the computers are off as of next week for a fortnight..."

What the hell???? Seriously man. Anyway, she did have the grace to ring me back and tell me that the cheque had in fact NOT been issued, so she had done it for me today, but it would STILL take about 2 weeks to get to me.

*sigh*

Right Hand meet Left Hand and get to know one another PLEASE!

But, hey when it does arrive, at least it will pay for my fill!!

Monday, 15 June 2009

3 and a half pounds

That's this weeks weightloss. When I do the diet, I lose weight. The band is kind of a side issue right now. I always thought that the band would mean that I would eat less, and lose weight gradually without having to do a diet as such. I don't mean 'eat anything' but just, you know... live.

Maybe that's not how the band will work for me. I have not been hungry doing slimmingworld this time, whereas I was always looking in the cupboards for stuff without the band, so maybe its just helping me follow the plan. I honestly don't know.

Tina thinks I should get a fill. I just don't know about that. If I eat too fast, I will throw. I have to take tiny bites, and swallow carefully and take my time. I feel food hit the band and I am careful at this point. After about 10 minutes I usually know that everything is going down well and towards the end of the plate of food I am usually eating semi normally. I kind of look like a fussy eater who's trying a new dish and then realise its ok and by the end and tucking in like the rest of the diners. I do put less food on my plate, but its still a large plate of food - or what I consider would be a large plate of food for a bandit.

If I have a fill, I know that I will have to be EVEN MORE careful at the beginning of a meal, and puke more because of it, whereas right now I am eating nicely, getting satisfied and not snacking...but its a lot of food.

I have NEVER eaten food and thought "I am now full" after a deck of cards sized portion. Not ever. My food doesn't seem to do that. Before surgery (over 2 years ago now remember!) I was shown the diagram of our 'new' pouch-like stomach and told that the food would go into that and we would be full when it was full, and then it would gradually kind of leak out the stoma and sustain us throughout the next hour or two as it passed through. Well, 2 mins into a dinner I feel my food hit the stoma and pass through and keep right on going throughout dinner. It has never filled my pouch and stayed there. The only time it ever did this was when it was sealed shut and I could not even drink water - remember that hell?

So my question is this... Does it REALLY do what it says on the tin? For me its a resounding "No". I don't really care if that which I was told is not really correct, but I would like to really know what goes on in there. I guess unless I sat and had a chicken salad under x-ray I am never going to know that though.

I am scared of having another fill purely for the reason of having that awful 'sealed shut' malarkey, and also that I will just end up puking all the time. Will I be able to cope a little tighter, and to be honest will it make any kind of difference at all???

Truly I ask, because I honestly don't know if it will make a difference. will it just mean I have to chew smaller and smaller pieces of food to further and further death and just go slower, but still eat the same amount or what. Because if that is the case, I seriously can do without spending £85 on that, and then £85 getting it un-done again!! People, this is hellish expensive for me, so should I not just stick with the status quo?

That said, if I really truly knew how things were going on inside there, it would help. Is it a case of the tighter you are, the more the food stays in there and you feel full. Now, I mean 'F U L L' and not 'backed-up'. I often feel like food is backing up and then I have to puke.

Maybe its like when I go slowly and then, my band seems to get up to speed and not worry about the food that is zooming past it - well maybe that doesn't happen. Maybe the food with not get quicker and then I will just find that even going slowly I start to feel satisfied.

Oh, I don't know if this even makes any sense or any of you even know what I mean, but when I read this back at least I do, so hopefully with whatever decision about a fill that I make, I will be able to read this back through and see if its all worth the effort.

And to Tina, babe, I so want to finish together and I wish you were here to kick my butt. In fact, it would be better to kick my brain as its misfiring big styleee.

Today, just for laughs, and as a gauge here are my stats:
millilitres in band... I and honestly a little confused but I think its about 7ish.
Weight at start of Weightloss-Expedition back in 2005 18 stone 12.5lbs (264lbs)
Weight at the start of banding February 2007: 18 stone (252lbs)
Weight right now: 17 stone 5 (243lbs)
Weight lost in total 21.5 lbs
Weight lost since banding(over 2 years ago) 7lbs

This makes me want to just hit something very very very hard and just bugger it all.

However, I am continuing with slimmingworld and we shall see what happens.
Today I have had Mexican Hot Smoked Salmon Salad:
Piece of hot smoked salmon with Mexican herbs, flaked up and dumped on half a bag of lettuce/leaves and 4 beetroot with salad dressing. Yum.
Tonight we are having a bbq and I am going to have quorn fillets marinaded in my own special marinade (apricot jam, Worcester sauce and soy sauce mix) and new potatoes. Free food.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Dunno

Feel like writing stuff. I ordered Sims 3 yesterday. I love the Sims, its a great way to occupy myself and forget about eating. I can spend hours lost in 'flow' and apparently its good for us to get into that zone now and again. Flow is awesome.
This is what flow is defined by:

1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible and goals are attainable and align appropriately with one's skill set and abilities). Moreover, the challenge level and skill level should both be high.

2. Concentrating and focusing, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).

3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.

4. Distorted sense of time, one's subjective experience of time is altered.

5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).

6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).

7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.

8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.

9. People become absorbed in their activity, and focus of awareness is narrowed down to the activity itself, action awareness merging.

Not all of these are needed for flow to be experienced. I guess other things that could induce flow would be stock exchange work on high market days, musical improvisations or playing, marathon running, although the rewards are not instant, but maybe stand-up comedy would do it too. There must be other types. People talk about being 'in the zone' - 'on the ball' - 'in the pipe' or even the phrase 'go with the flow'.

The Formula 1 driver Ayrton Senna, who during qualifying for the 1988 Monaco Grand Prix explained: "I was already on pole,...and I just kept going. Suddenly I was nearly two seconds faster than anybody else, including my team mate with the same car. And suddenly I realised that I was no longer driving the car consciously. I was driving it by a kind of instinct, only I was in a different dimension. It was like I was in a tunnel."

I love this feeling and I have never experienced it in any other form other than when I play Sims 1 or 2. I am not a gamer at all. In fact I would say that I positively dislike gaming as its such a waste of time, which completely contradicts the fact I love playing The Sims. I can honestly play it for hours and hours and have even once, cancelled my work for the day because I was 'in the zone' and it was too important for me to stop.

I wish that 'flow' could be something that being banded could induce, but I guess we cannot be that lucky. for instance its impossible to focus completely on weightloss, or get immediate feedback and it therefore be intrinsically rewarding. Also the level is high, all the time, and for me, always too hard! HA HA. But wouldn't it be great.

I would love to sit down one day, focus on fat busting and then get up after the session a stone lighter. That is my ultimate kind of game. If only.

I guess with the band its a case of trying not to make the goals too hard, or set the bar too high. I know that the band doesn't magically lose wight for me, as is completely self evident in the last 'punishing' year with my band. I have been punishing it for all kinds of things. I think I punished it for it going wrong. I punish it if I feel rubbish about myself. I push and push and push my band to see if it will break/quit on me. What on EARTH is the point in this?

Goodness only knows man. I don't know why I do it, but I do. I did. I might do again, but I hope not. I know I feel terrible that this time last year I was 15 and a half stone, and this year I am 2 stone heavier. Its my OWN doing though. Its not my bands fault.

I think I had false expectations. Until you have this little thing put in your guts, you don't know how it works. People talk about it. They talk about PB'ing. They talk about fills... People talk about having a baby, but you just DON'T know what its like until you've got the T shirt.

And even then its different for each person you meet. Actually having a baby is a really good example. Yeah, it is. I had DS 6 weeks early my Caesarian. I was proper ill with Full Blown Toxemia and been in hospital on and off for months. I was back in on the 4th January 99 and on the doctors rounds the next morning, they just decided that I would have the operation that afternoon. Just like that. Now, there might be a few people out there who this has happened too, but the majority of people having a baby go into labour of some kind. It either end up with them popping it out with/without drugs, or with C-section awake/asleep but just as they don't know what it feels like to just calmly wander down to the operating room and then be given a baby, I don't know what a Contraction feels like.

After this, all of us will have given birth, but we have all had completely different experiences. The end result is the same however. I guess we can apply this to our band-baby too.

The end result will be the same. It WILL. And however much I torture myself, I am not doing me or the band-baby any good. I have to get with the programme, but jeeez its hard.

Today every cell in my body is screaming at me. To be honest its screaming so loud I don't know what its saying, but I KNOW that its screaming about NOT being good and losing weight. It wants me to give up. I need distraction, and that's where the flow comes in. Its going to have to be a mammouth Sims 2 session, as Sims 3 ain't arrived yet! LOL

Oh, and the spell checker on blogger REALLY ticks me off. Why can't it spell check ENGLISH English rather than just American English. How hard would it be to offer BOTH spellings? I mean for goodness sake the blokes name was CAESAR nor CESAR!!!!!!!! so its a Caesarian. And its Mammouth not Mammoth. If your American, sorry dudes, I know its the reverse for you, but I reckon us Brits should have a spellchecker dictionary choice seeing as we invented the flaming language in the first place...

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Thursday, 11 June 2009

Back on the wagon

Well, it's day 4 into my new slimmingworld regime.

When I got weighed on Monday it was horrible. The dreaded black monster said 17 stone 8.5 lbs.
That is practically back where I was in November 2007 when I had my band fixed. I was 17 stone 12 when I had it fixed, and I honestly thought I would never see the 17 stone zone again. Its pretty horrifying. I touched the horrifying zone just before I went to the Czech republic and weighed in a slimmingworld at 17 stone 0.5lbs so, just over the border, but to have the next weigh in put me firmly in that zone... GULP! its horrible. So, when you think that I was good for majority of the week I got home, who knows what the damage truly was!! I think it was likely to be about 11 pounds that I put on, and if I had gone to slimmingworld the day I came home I would have been proper horrified. So at least having a pretty good girl week when I came home got it back to about 8 pounds gain.

So this week I have been great. Before I went to the Czech rep, I organised a pamper evening for all my mates, and that was yesterday. Because I knew it was coming up I did several mature things. I decided to just drink water all day, but had my dinner in the evening just before the guests turned up so that I wouldn't be able to stuff too much down my throat. If I am full, I am not inclined to want to keep nibbling. I only also only bought snacks for the party that would be hard for me to eat - cocktail sausages and snack eggs, dorrito's and dip. This meant that I only had a couple of everything rather than chomping my way through a pile of crap on top of my dinner. Because I hadn't eaten all day, although not hungry, it meant that I 'saved' some calories to use up in the evening, so in my mind - even thought the things I did eat were not good - at least I didn't eat this stuff on top of my whole days food.

Then, something I am very proud of, I said goodbye to the last guests at about 1:30am and then cleaned up! I was so tired, and a little tipsy and just wanted my bed, but instead I got a big black bin liner and THREW away all the crisps left in packets, the dips, the half eaten box of chocolates and the last of the snack eggs and a few other bits people brought and poured half a bottle of plonk down the sink! I wiped up and put the dishwasher on and tidied the house and then went to bed at about 2:30am. This morning when I got up, hungry and wanting a nibble... I didn't have any of that stuff lying about saying "eat me". I was really pleased with myself for doing that.

Today I am back on Slimmingworld's plan as was my intention, and I have had a massive green salad with Tuna and mayo - the extra light variety. Its not very nice but makes it easier to eat so that I can enjoy it rather than just endure it. 100g of extra light mayo is only 3 Syns. That is a lot of mayonnaise and I only need 80g to make a whole tin of tuna mayo for me and DS, so even better. I also found a nice honey and mustard salad dressing that only has 8 Syns in the whole bottle, and don't know about you other bandsters, but having a sauce that's NOT loaded with calories and makes stuff a bit more easy to eat is a bonus. I must admit that I tended to stick to easy eat foods like curry and casserole, but we also have to eat regular stuff, so a bit of sauce of some kind helps a lot with this. The trouble is that the sauce is normally worse for you than the food! Sauce ideas always welcome people!!

I would rather have a little sauce or gravy with my meals and eat them that be permanently over the sink heaving my guts up and then feeling rubbish and eating chocolates... so I guess for me its what works.

I am really in a good place with my eating right now. I am completely nonplussed with the band at the moment - having no particular likes/dislikes with it, but I think doing slimmingworld is easier having it in because you have no cravings or hunger pangs. so maybe that is its saving grace. At the moment if asked whether I would do it again, I would have to say no, because for me its been a huge annoyance and mind-messer. I do wish I had had the guts to go with the bypass and throw in the extra couple of grand.

However, who knows how I will feel about the band in a month of two... A couple of moths back I was ready to do my own band self-removal...

We shall see. I am happy with slimmingworld right now and hopefully the band will just aid that. At least it makes me chew well and avoid bread/doughnuts/muffins etc.

I am very annoyed with myself for letting things get out of control and not sticking to a plan of some kind. Its down to me at the end of the day.

Friday, 5 June 2009

Back to Blighty

Our Czech trip was great once again, and I will be going back! Its such a nice place, and so friendly.

Food wise, I ate loads. I must admit to 'using' their version of Tatar sauce, which is like a sweet tartar sauce tasting creamy mayonnaise. Hellman's actually make the stuff, but I have never seen it over here. I love it. They eat it with chips rather than fish. I just ate it with everything, hence the weight gain!! LOL. However, I don't exactly know how much weight was gained as I missed the weigh in on Monday as I was still stuffing myself in Czech Rep! I reckon at least 7 pounds, if not more!!

The food was relatively easy for a bandster... well for me anyway. I seem to e a bit unusual to other bandsters so many of you might think its truly unbelievable that I could eat it, or some not... i don't know. You will have to tell me.

Most days I had Yoghurt with honey for breakfast, followed by pate and butter thickly sliced on a dry caraway seed bread. That's right, sliced butter. Don't. Just Don't. It was heaven, but it was a heaven eaten very slowly. Often times I added in some salami too, or cheese, but mainly I stuck to pate.



Lunch was pretty much the same as dinner, a piece of chicken variously cooked, but normally in a hammered steak style, fried, with some kind of sauce. Often topped with cabbage/cream mixture and always roasted potato - basically deep fried boiled potatoes. They call these American Potato's. Hmmm All washed down with lashings of Cervene Vino (red wine!) and Tartaska - the yummy most delicious Tatar sauce on earth.



Obviously there were puddings too. various including the obvious ice cream and stuff, but I also managed some Svestkove Knedliky - a kind of plum dumpling pudding with strange crunchy topping with cream. Yummy.

If I ate too fast I knew I would be in trouble. I was sick just 1 time in the whole holiday and that was because I had allowed myself to get starving hungry. I find that if I am very very hungry or thirsty I have trouble drinking, let alone eating, so I have to 'work' the band into shape a bit to get it going.



I have been back on Slimmingworld's diet since my return, so hopefully on Monday I should be nearing the weight that I was when I left. I hope anyway!!
And don't worry, I am still on my mission to find out what is going on with Slimmingworlds confidentiality agreements... Watch this space.

night night peeps