Sunday, 28 June 2009

Roast dinner

Hi all. Today we had the pleasure of DH's Dad and his mistress for Sunday Luncheon. It is always a most unpleasant experience and today was no different.

I honestly don't get the bloke - as I have said many times before.

Today they drove up in their new Freelander and hopped down. He was wearing his usual Farah slacks and nylon shirt, but with a stunning belt accessory in a waterproof camouflage design with the logo 'sport style' emblazoned on the front in a crazy font for his blackberry to go in.

I want to vomit just recanting this diabolical tale of cringeworthyness.

Personally I think freelanders are fine. Nowt wrong with them. DH's Dad having one though is just hilarious. The is some white haired, pot bellied, jumped up, shoulder chipped, small penis'ed little man trying to make people think he is someone special. It's glaringly obvious he's never been to charm school as he has the social graces of a mute vole.

His mistress was nicely attired however, although it was a shame she forgot to wash her hair this year, and we scurried her into the house before the neighbours saw. No, I am kidding in a way because I seriously don't give a hoot what people think of us. We are bog standard brits living Bogstandardville. Infact it would be great for the neighbours to see the 'odd couple' and then we could all laugh at them. The reason I write this stuff about them is to make myself feel better for the way they hurt me, DS and DH every time we see them. Also it helps to emphasise that they REALLY have tickets on themselves (smothered in them) and they look like something the cat dragged in. People like them deserve to be picked apart; in fact, they are positively inviting it!

Anyway, Dad stands in the porch for 15 minutes because he is a social leper and it takes DH calling him over for him to join the party. Mistress has already roamed the house and gardens and looked me up and down 50 times by the time he has actually overcome his retarded embarrassment of being outside his own house/car/ comfort zone.

They brought with them their dog called Brandi. So Geoffrey and Brandi are happily licking each others bits on the lawn and I am cooking Lunch and making tea etc.

DS is excited about the up and coming piano recital that he will play in and wants to show Grandad... Grandad promptly ignores him. He does this kind of thing a lot. He ignores you and looks like he is trying to dream up something clever to say and then the moment is gone and it leaves an uncomfortable silence and him looking like a prick and DS upset and me wanting to ram his head through the wall behind him.

Then DS asks him to sponsor him. After reading through the sponsor form and picking holes in it and being stupid and being a complete prat about everything to do with everything, 2 hours later he makes a BIG HUGE show of giving DS and tenner for it.

He sits snorking and talking through his three rotting front teeth about how he is doing this with his 'company' (tin pot effort), and how they have to spend £1000000 pounds doing this and that and £1000000 was spent on this dinner or that event or some other complete rubbish. I must admit I wasn't taking much notice, but its always about how much money this has cost or whatever. At its always £100000000000000000000000000 if you know what I mean.

Then they TELL us about themselves and how wonderful they are and their neighbours and how funny they are and how their neighbours have a friend who has a dog who has a auntie who has a brother who built a house and its fabulous and amazing and has four double 'beeeeardroooms' (because he likes to say things wrong on purpose because he is a stupid C***) and thinks this is very impressive. Its so tragic because they are trying sooooooo hard to impress people all the time and actually they fail because the things they are trying to impress people with are just run of the mill anyway! Talk about small dick syndrome.

Then we hear about these people who he knows who are the head of some company or other, and the MD this, and the chief exec that, and how they are 'really nice guys'. I dont know why, but the bloke makes me CRINGE and want to eat my own ears off when he says this. 'They are really nice guys' with his stupid stumpy toothed little chuckle of self improtance to himself - *WRETCH*

Oh my days. I am just glad that DH feels exactly the same way.

Then we have a great tirade of abuse about their next door neighbour because he commits the crime of having 2 cars and a camper van on the drive. Apparently he will be emailing the owner of the house (its rented) and ask them to move them. Oh sweet mercy.

Thankfully. one of the things we didn't get today was some kind of lawsuit pending against someone. He absolutely loves talking about suing this person or that company or whatever for £1000000000000000000. Again it apparently sounds impressive. Ummm No.

Then I made them all sit at the table and called over "Dad, do you want parsnips" which he completely refused to answer until Mistress nudges him and he snorks and then goes "no fankyoo" in a weak pathetic dumb voice. (remember he doesn't talk properly, and snorks or sighs before every word he does get out. Hardcore)
so I serve up roast beef, roast potato, green beans and carrots with a lovely gravy and they all tuck in heartily. Then we had strawberrys and cream and the cream got passed around to everyone and then we realised he hadn't put some on his... he just passed the jug around. This was so he could pour ALL the rest of the cream on his food - the cheeky bastard. So no one got a little extra and there was none left for the cats or anything else that I might have wanted to do with it!

I picked up all the plates and the bloke never even muttered a thank you. Mistress can only talk about her daughter and how her daughter has this and that and the other and its always twice as big or bad as what you have or have done or... well you know what I mean.

They spoke nothing but bullshit for the whole afternoon and when we were waving them off with gritted teeth (hoping that he would scratch his precious penis extension of a freelander) we realised that he had not once asked us how our holiday was, told us how well DS played his piano piece, wish us luck for the recital, asked how DH's job was going, asked what Ds was up to with his home school or looked at any of his projects, commented on the garage conversion ( even though he went in there today with DS to see the dog - last time he came he completely ignored the fact that it was there) and he had ignored every subtle little subject leader that we brought up about our lives - DH running the badminton club, DS doing drama etc

They couldn't give less of a shit about us if they tried.

I wish I was one of those writers who could sum up a persons character completely and really get across how this guy is, but I can't. I know there must be a word for this type of wannabe old fart who is self centred to a fault and has to invent this make believe world of wealth which he simply cannot pull off because he is an ill bred peasant. The fact that he has to do this with his own SON though... that is the tragedy of it all. What kind of person cannot be themselves with their own offspring?

Sometimes I wonder how the hell DH popped out of his Mum and Dad, or even how his sister can be so completely different to him. Its like they got this special person that dropped out of the sky or was swapped at birth because DH is the complete antithesis of his father. Thank GOD!

Bandwise, well its being very good. I am eating everything still which is good but not needing to snack. I am finding that Slimmingworld, doing it properly this time around, is actually very easy. Its not like this for me without the band though, so long may things stay the way they are.

I had a slice of beef, some green beans, 2 roast potatoes and carrots with gravy today for dinner and strawberrys with a mullerlite on. Not cream as you all probably thought!! Naughty naughty!! No, I was a good girl and I had vanilla mullerlite on my strawberries and so my dinner was about 1 syn (for the gravy). All the potatoes and parsnips were roasted with fry light, so it was great. The extra easy diet is so easy its unreal.

I got the dreaded curse on Thursday, so I have no idea what that will do to my weigh this week. I am still hoping for a loss because if I gain I will be devastated. I will try hard to remember that if it is a gain, its just fluid retention. Its so hot too, that I am taking on a lot more water this week Its been so hot and muggy and yucky. I know I had that dodgy day where I ate the chocolates, but I have been so good the rest of the week that I think it will be fine.

So off to the weighbridge tomorrow am. Will keep you posted.


  1.!!!! Wotta post! I've met people like that - but what bad luck to be related to them!! Sort of like Del-boy but without the humour or the charm. I found myself wondering if his behaviour was influenced at all by having his (new? ish?) girlfriend with him.
    Nice to be this side of the Sunday lunch...
    Enjoyed your post - thanks for sharing the nightmare.

  2. I don't know..... I think you summed your Father in law up pretty well - I was having a laugh at the way you describe him.. and yet it's really no laughing matter that people like this actually exist. Bit scary!!
    Glad you made it through the dinner though.. and you didn't tip the rest of the cream on his head - oh yeah, you couldn't. He ate it all lol!!
    Hope its a while before you see them again. Sounds like it does your head in.