Thursday, 23 October 2008
Ok, yesterday was good. I didn't celebrate with food, or anything else for that matter. I had my granola for breakfast, a Nakd food bar for what ended up as lunch, a slice - nay - a bite of cake at TB's house ( excessive consumption avoided due to the chocolate and chilli flake flavour! Not good, trust me), 2 large beetroot with salad cream for dinner and some pea and ham soup from the diet chef delivery box as a supper.
So that was a sweet day, eating wise. It was a crap day in other ways owing to the presence of Felix, our lodger's cat. This cat can pee and crap around the house for England. I found 6 huge dumps under the kitchen cupboards. We have a little bit of skirting missing at the bottom of our kitchen cupboards next to the dishwasher. Its hardly big enough to get my arm in, so after dismantling the skirting boards around my whole kitchen, I located 6 turn outs by the said little cat - Felix. I then neat bleached the floor and sealed it all back up again, including the 'hole' where the little sod was sneaking in and crapping.
That disgusting moment of my life over with, I decide to put on some washing and as I dump the laundry on the floor I see one of my nice shirts suddenly wick wetness from the floor... Yes, you guessed it, it was a nice pool of cat pee. *sigh* so I bunged all the washing in the machine with some detol and cleaned up the pee. I came back to get the washing from the machine 40 minutes later and there was a mahoosive great turd right there in front of the machine!!
Ok, so that's all done and then I hear a wail from DS... "Oh mum...? Think you better come here...!"
Yes, another nice present on all the leads to DS's PS2. Yummy. Have you ever had to wipe cat crap from a bundle of leads. It ain't fun and it ain't pretty. There is absolutely no way to avoid touching the stuff. Oh my it's grim. Of course, its bad enough when its your own cat, but when its someone elses little precious its just foul.
Right then, well if that hasnt put you off your lunch, nothing will.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
I weighed in this morning at I was 16 stone 4lbs.
I mean... What?
I have no idea how my body can lose 3 pounds in 24 hours, but evidently it did.
I don't know about you, but this just seems to make a mockery of the weighing machine. To reiterate... I weigh in at 9:20 after using the loo, naked - bar my leg and armpit fuzz and before I eat or drink anything. If yesterday was my weigh in day, I would have been completely gutted and probably had a take away and a bottle of wine, puked it up and had something else and then been completely bad all week because of feeling so rubbish about a.) the lack of weight loss and b.) the fact that I am eating like a hog. That is why losing weight is such a nightmare.
But, as luck would have it, yesterday was NOT my weigh in day, and thankfully it was today and I am happy... disturbed, but happy.
It would seem that whether you have a good day or a bad day, you just have to keep with the programme. I am going to try - yes TRY - and remember this the next time I don't see the results on the scales that I want to. If I try and remember this incident, it might stop me going completely off the rails for a day, let alone a week.
So, I am moving. I am off the mark again. Wont be long until I am back in those 15's again and not feeling quite so bad. I am committing to another week of weightloss and that's how I am going to attack it. I cant focus on how much I need to lose, because its just too big a number. I think its something like 70 pounds. Even 7 pounds is too much to focus on. The best way I think is to focus week by week on my eating rather than the weight I will lose. Means that every Wednesday is a little bit more interesting too. So, I'm signing up to another week on my band behaviour bond.
The bond is thus:
I will eat 3 regular meals plus 2 healthy snacks
I will think about what I am eating before I eat it
I will stop eating when I am full
I will not drink alcohol
I will not drink with meals
I will keep active and do all my lessons
I will feel positive about myself and my skills
I will complete tasks that I must do
I will be in bed before midnight every night this week
Its now 11:15am and I have already completed DH's Tax return for him and arranged an extra lesson today. I have been in and fed Mary, played with the kittens and am about to attack the garden as it is now a jungle and small children from the area could get lost in some of those brambles!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Lunch - raw food bar
snack - banana
dinner - 5 pieces of tortellini in sauce
snack - McDonalds vanilla milkshake.
Total cals... well the milkshake has 420 alone. The bar is 100, the granola and milk 235 and a banana is about 100. The tortellini...about 100 aswell.
So roughly 1000 cals.
Feel like crud.
Went to see the film IGOR. It was ok, but came away wondering how I can claw back the wasted hour and 30 minutes of my life. Guessing I'll probably not be getting the DVD.
Work = Hmmm Good knowing that tomorrow I only have 1 pupil, even if it does mean that the 6 that have cancelled because of 6th form parents meetings, vomiting bug, colds and other assorted ills means I have lost £70.
Pessimistic? Who me?
Ok... positive stuff:
DAD CAME HOME YESTERDAY!!! Yes, he is back on the ranch and feeling ok. His wound/hole in gut is now the size of a small tea plate rather than a dinner plate which is good news. There is a lot of new skin growing. His old stoma site his like a woman's breast and he jokingly says that he doesn't need Mum any more now that he has it!! Its so swollen underneath where his old bag was, but healing. Apparently its 'normal'. Must say i haven't seen anyone else with a breast growing out the side of their tummy, but there we go. His new stoma is working well, and everything is ok by the sounds of it. He is wired up to a battery charger on one side of him, and the vac wound suction machine on the other, so he wont be doing any hiking any time soon - which is a seriously good thing! He is so hyperactive that he cant sit still usually, so this will put paid to that and force him to chillax.
Another cool thing... We now have 7 kittens... yes 7! Our 6 kittens have all been named now - BOB by the Moore family, LOLA but the Green family, SUMMER by the Elliot family, OREO and KIMBA by Steph and Nick and SQUIGGLES by Ally and Dan. However, SQUIGGLES gained a sister today. At work, Ally could hear squeaking and found a little stray feral kitten about 2 weeks old abandoned under a prickly hedge. It was not too well and she took it to the vet. He had to remove two pieces of plastic from its little throat and then give it treatment for a week. They gave it back to them on Friday and they had been feeding it every two hours and helping it go for a poo and a wee (normally the mum does this you see by licking). They brought Her - called PRICKLES - to visit her brother when I came up with a plan. PRICKLES has been adopted by Mary. We placed her near to Mary and Mary licked her all over and didn't show any signs of a problem at all. Prickles then joined her brothers and sisters, who are all a bit older and more boisterous as they are 4 weeks old today, but seems no problem. I kept a close eye on them all morning and then saw her have her first feed. She was straight in there and latched on for a full 7 minutes same as all the rest of them... well except one which I kept swapping over on rotation seeing as Mary only has 6 nipples!! Then I left them alone for a bit. I came back just before I went to work and weighed all the kittens. The fattest was Summer at 15oz, and Prickles was 10.7 oz. I thought this would be a good indicator of her growth in comparison to the others or if we have to top it up a little bit. Anyway, then Mary laid down again ready to feed, so I let her feed them and Prickles was straight in there again. I weighed her again and she had taken 0.3oz milk on board which is perfect. As its from Mary as opposed to formula its got to be more nutritious for her. So far, so good! I looked in on them a minute ago and they were all cuddles up together in a big pile with Prickles in the centre. Ahhh
Thursday, 16 October 2008
2 days work is much better that 6 though lets face it.
Breakfast was plain low everything Granola - I keep feeling that I have to quantify that because I know that normal commercial granola is really high is sugar and stuff... but this is wholegrain, seeds and nuts, no added sugar and only 50g.
Lunch was pureed mutton stew from my gourmet ready meal selection, then I later had a small slice of home made bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and a tablespoon of fahkes (a Greek lentil dish)
snack - my raw food carob bar, but had to HMS a lot of that back up as I was way too hungry when I ate it. I seem to have to lubricate my pouch before filling i with dryish food.
Dinner will be a pureed chicken stir-fry which Heather made for us. I have added curry powder and now it resembles a Thai red curry. Looking forward to that, but still suffering from the HMS.
That's it really... Feel pretty good about self, and those surrounding me. Had a bit of a wobble earlier in the day when one of the parents of a pupil whom I teach obviously thought I was just trying to get rid of her daughter, when I wasn't, but soon changed her tune when she realised that it was EVERYONE not just her little precious that was having to change slots. She thought that because she had seen a couple of them at school and they had said nothing that they were obviously hiding something and started on about "well you have so many students, that's impossible to do all of them in one day, and what about X, or X and X and what about the X's..." and when I told her the times that they had booked, suddenly she back right down and reality must have dawned that I was indeed not doing this out of spite or something. It made me feel really really shite to be honest because she was like "Well, I am really disappointed that you are giving up" and not in a nice way, but it did end in "Yeah, I can see you have got to sort things out, well I can be flexible on such and such..." I know I should feel OK about that, but its left a nasty taste in my mouth like I was being accused of something.
Other than that I'm cool.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
It is the aim of my band to restrict my eating - not to give me an eating challenge!
I will henceforth eat little portions until I feel my band and then stop, rather than challenging my gullet to a dietary trench filling contest.
1.) I have lost weight - currently 16 stone 7 pounds. So that is 1 pound off in 10 days (although in actual fact its more because I never tracked the weight going up a little higher than that during that 10 days... hee hee) 21 pounds in total.
2.) I am roughly 1/5th of the way to my target weight.
3.) It is midday and I am eating my breakfast because I haven't been hungry until now
Today's food stuffs...
50g Granola (the healthy low GI one)
pitta bread, lettuce and hummous
Nakd raw food bar
Dinner... Not decided yet. I guess one of my pouch meals or soups. yummy
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
I need to be really careful.
It seems to take me a little while to feel the restriction, in this case just over a week.
50g Belgian Chocolate Granola - it's low GI and low everything so it sounds nicer than it actually is!! 234 cals
Raw food bar 100 cals
Dinner: Pea soup - 150 cals, but negligible because I threw up every mouthful... I cant seem to take the whole pea husk thing.
Lamb hotpot. still eating (at midnight) but if I do manage it all then another 200 cals.
Pretty damn fine huh!
I realise that I had this band for restriction... so why the hell am I trying to force food down my gullet. its like I am trying to eat the same amount of food, but with a band and wondering why its not working. I am trying a new method of eating and its going really well.
Ok, I had some issues this evening with the pea soup... but I know that was from the pea husk thing.. Its was really husky (LOL). I could feel it in my mouth that it was like dry on the edges after a swallow... So I am gonna avoid it. But this Lamb hotpot is really tasty and I have pureed it too, just in case. I am eating it with a tea spoon and making sure I chew it and resting between each mouthful (mainly because I am typing too!), and its working really well.
I have been drinking copious amounts of green tea in a quest for STRONG flavoured drinks with no calories in. I don't like the stuff, but it has a great bitter twang-smack at the end of a glug, so I am persevering with the muck.
So far, I have managed 6 half teaspoons of pureed lamb hotpot and all's good.
I have decided that I am not going to force this band to eat anything, or do what I did on Saturday that was just plain STUPID. I was in Aki-Teri and I ordered a prawn curry. It was lush, but I couldn't eat it. I got a couple of spoons of sauce down me and a couple of grains of rice and had to stop. I didn't even get to eat a prawn when I had to throw. So after trying and trying and trying to eat the thing, I said "Forget this, I will eat this gorgeous king prawn and then go puke!" I chewed it and loved it and tasted the sweet meaty thing and then hurled it. I just got so sick of not being able to enjoy something. I am not going to go to restaurants any more because they just make me sad. Eating dinner at the dining table with everyone is bad enough, but I can manage it compared to lush restaurant food. I just want to eat too much.
I am going to try and get this band and me on the road.
It is at this juncture that I have to admit I have an eating disorder. I finally chatted it through with someone and without going into too much detail, I sabotage my weight loss because I don't feel worthy of being thin/don't want to be thin for reasons yet unknown, eat because I am happy, binge because I fear the scales saying I have put on, so therefore fulfill the prophecy. I am in a cycle of binge eating/drinking and unhappy that I cant do more.
I discussed this after I started to seriously look into getting my band removed and 'upgrade' to RNY bypass. However, I can see now that its a psychological problem I have not a problem that surgery will fix, because the problem will not go away even if I have another surgery, and I will not see the results I want from that either because of going in to the whole thing with a wrong psychological attitude.
So, I have to love myself, and part of that is getting rid of things that I don't like.
I hate work. Everyone knows it and I just plain loathe it. I looked at my diary and my Sis said to me today that I can obviously survive with half of my students. I balked a bit, but realised she was right. At the end of the month I only ever earn half of what I could have done because of cancelling pupils or whatever because I cant face it or something. So in that case, what is the point in keeping 'teaching' these ones if I hate it. So I am changing my strategies. I am working on Saturday only. If they cant fit in with that then they can do the other thing. This way I think I will actually like my job, because its over with in one day, in normal working hours. I don't have to rush around at 9pm every evening making dinner etc and eating late. I don't feel rubbish about the fact I cancelled lessons and comfort eat and therefore I think its linked to it all as well.
So that's what I am doing. I have worked out that I could in fact give up work completely if I wanted to - which was a big shock to be fair - but realised that is not what I actually want to do. So I am going to continue, but under my own steam. I don't owe them anything, and if they really like their lessons with me, then they will fit it in around me wont they. I have to put my sanity, sons education, home life and health before them. I feel better already about it! Its nice to have that extra bit of cash, and its nice to know I don't really need to, which I never knew before I actually sat down and worked out exactly what comes in and goes out etc. and analyzed all the things like petrol/groceries etc.
Another thing is I am always so tired that I neglect a serious side of me that needs to flourish. I need that 'me time' - I really do. So this will give me some space to enjoy that as well.
So, tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and see whats going on. We shall see.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
So to update you about the food..
This week, on top of the 1000 cals a day given to me by the Diet Chef meals, this week I have had:
2 wholemeal pitta
cheese and onion sandwich filler
bacon and cheese sandwich filler
about 5 fromage frais with fruit pulp
2 bread sticks
milk for my many coffee's
2 large gherkin's
2 cardamom muffins that I made (small cup cake size)
I think that's about it. Absolutely no wine *SHOCK HORROR* or sweets or anything really really bad. Its amazing how guilty I feel just eating the above in excess of the Diet Chef meals, even though all the veg are allowed and honestly a couple of bread sticks and a muffin aren't going to make me a heifer are they!
I am kind of looking forward to seeing how much I have lost on Friday. I can feel it in my face along my jaw that its not so pudgy. It had got a little pudgy from the 1 stone weight gain, and this seems to be where it went and where its gone from first again. I would rather it came off my bum, but then I guess more people look at my face than my bum these days anyway!
We currently have 3 extra housemates... Sue, long term lodger that she is, Nicky from Korea has now been here 1 month - that's gone really quick - and Heather a girl from Birmingham who is here doing some work experience after finishing her degree, to help her get a job. Personally I thought that was what the degree was for, but apparently degrees are as common as fag butts outside the local pub on a Friday night!
I feel quite exclusive not having a degree... maybe that's why I actually have a job! I wish I didn't have to have a job though. I hate work with a passion. I want to be a Mum and that's it. If DH ever gets a good job again (unlikely) then I am quiting. I bring home quite a nice amount of cash, but after you take out petrol money and books and stuff like that, I am getting a pretty thankless wage for a really hard and skilled job. I cant bring myself to put my prices up either as I feel terrible about it.
Anyway, I am off to bed now and I am SO having a lie in in the morning.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
So, now I am at 7mls, how do I feel? Well, I'm not hungry. I haven't HMS'd or PB'd either.
I have joined a new scheme. Originally I bought it from a company called Diet Chef. I thought it would be the same as that diet I tried several years ago (see very old posts) called Body Chef, where they deliver your food ready to be cooked all in a ha,per 2 times a week and you just munch your way through it. This was before I had my band obviously. However, Diet chef is slightly different. It gives you a breakfast, snack, lunch and evening meal for £190 a month. Now, that is a lot of money to stump up at once, but I bit the bullet and went for it because I wanted to have food ready for this month so that I can really push ahead and go for it to lose the excess I have put on during my time 'sans saline'.
This is what you get:
You have 125ml milk allowance and you can have any amount of veg with your main meal as long as its not potatoes or high cal ones.
I started on Friday, and was hungry several times during the day, even though I had a banana and also a pitta bread with my soup. Saturday was the same, and I was very hungry between meals, but forced myself to stick with it. Sunday was a different story. Obviously I had my fill in the morning, so couldn't eat anything before that, and I was STARVING when I went in to see Wendy, but afterwards I was not hungry. I had half my snack bar, plus several soft drinks during the day and then my dinner when I got in... just the packet amount nothing extra, and I felt fine. I didn't even have my soup. Yesterday was good too. I had my soup for breakfast, granola for lunch, snack in the afternoon and dinner in the evening with a corn on the cob. I did not feel hungry all day.
BUT, now I know what is in the Diet chef meal box... WHEN WILL THESE PEOPLE LEARN... I can now buy it individually MUCH cheaper. I can buy (including shipping):
32 packets of Lizzi's Granola for £15.51
36 (not just 28) Nakd bars in 4 different flavours for just £22.00
28 packets of soups in 4 flavours for just £44.52
28 packet meals in 11 different flavours for under £82.00
( both from http://www.lookwhatwefound.co.uk/ )
Which is a total of £164. That will save me a nice £36 a month. So guess what I will be doing?
This is much cheaper than Slimfast or Lighter Life, tastes great and is REAL food where you can still get your veg in as well. All the food is really wholesome and made from 'happy' animals who go to the slaughter house with a smile on their face and a wink in their eye and all that tripe too apparently...
However, I have been in EXCRUCIATING AGONY since Sunday evening. I seem to be a person who suffers big time when they have a fill. So, after spending all of yesterday in bed - literally high on codeine, I went to the doctors and have been prescribed antibiotics because the scar is swollen and inflamed and red rimmed. Not the best picture in the world, but you can see its not flat like it should be...
I have no idea why this has to happen to me, but it just does. Each fill I have seems to give me more and more pain. I had yesterday off work, and today too. I just NEED this thing to get a move on and help me to stay hunger free. I really truly am fed up now and I want to get cracking. I am glad I purchased the monthly food package, because it means I have food right there, right now, right when I need it and I don't have to just grab something.
I actually just eaten some of my Nakd bar. I started to feel a bit peckish (it's just gone 2pm), and I have only been able to eat 3/4 of it and then had to stop. Too big bites I think, and had to HMS - the residual effects are subsiding right now and I will finish the rest of the bar off in 10 minutes or so.
It's funny, because it is not food that regurgitates, but saliva. I seem to stop eating when I have had enough and my mouth seems to make more saliva and it is this that eventually made me have to be sick. That was what came up anyway, not the bar!
These bars are yummy! The chocolate one is my favorite. It's that raw chocolate taste... slightly bitter/sour and I love it. Its like having something naughty. They are completely uncooked, totally raw food which is great and very filling. Considering they are only 100 cals each the sustenance you get from them is much more than any other 'bar' I have tried. I like the Kellog's Special K breakfast bars... but only because of taste. They don't touch the sides or keep me full or anything. There is a hell of a lot of nutrition in these too and they are low in their glycemic load.
Anyway, am off to bed for a sleep as my guts are out of control with pain.
The foam dressing is cut to the approximate size of the wound with scissors and placed gently into position
The perforated drain tube is then located on top of the foam and a second piece of foam placed over the top. For shallower wounds, a single piece of foam may be used and the drainage tube is inserted inside it.
The foam, together with the first few inches of the drainage tube and the surrounding area of healthy skin, is then covered with the adhesive transparent membrane supplied. At this stage it is important to ensure that the membrane forms a good seal both with the skin and the drainage tube.
The distal end of the drain is connected to the VAC unit, which is programmed to produce the required level of pressure.
Once the vacuum is switched on, the air is sucked out of the foam causing it to collapse inwards drawing the edges of the wound in with it.
Fluid within the wound is taken up by the foam and transported into the disposable container within the main vacuum unit.
My Dads wound is obviously a LOT bigger than this. These sponge things come in all kinds of sizes which is great and as the 'juices' from the wound that make scabs and new skin are sucked from the bottom to the surface the skin gets a fresh supply of this wonder serum which basically grows you a new tummy! Amazing, and all natural basically.
He is now only on Paracetamol regularly, and in no pain at all.
We have 6 beautiful kittens and they are all so gorgeous and all of them have already been sold can you believe!
This is the most beautiful photo of 'BOB' as named by his new owners.
I will add a photo of each one this time so that I can remember them forever. I wont be keeping any of this litter which is a real shame as they are so amazingly cute!
Onto the band... well I am going to put a post about that later on today. Just to whet your appetite, I am strangely worried about it all...
Monday, 6 October 2008
I went to WLS clinic on Sunday en-route to the hospital where my Dad is.
I weighed in at 16 stone 8 pounds. That's just gruesome, but basically I have put on a stone since my un-fill. It could have been a hell of a lot worse!
I told her all about how I was feeling - very unrestricted, hungry etc. I told her how I had committed to my weight loss again by ordering a months supply of food from Diet Chef. They provide you with breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner of wholesome low Gi food for £190 a month. Its not necessary to keep it in the fridge or freezer - you just store it in the cupboard and it should be 1200 cals a day if you stick to it. It turns out its actually 1000 cals a day, but they allow you some fresh fruit and veg to bulk it all up.
I told her how I thought that I needed a big whack this time because I had not noticed any difference after any of my subsequent fill and that frankly I am running out of cash (not just for the fills, but for petrol to poxy London and back and the week off work recuperation!)
She has given me 0.7mls this time. this takes me to 7mls total in my band which is half a ml more than I had in there before she removed 1ml on August 10th. So it really seems like it was Malta that messed my restriction up. It just got so aggravated that it was a vicious cycle.
Anyway, so far so good. I never do that whole liquids thing because I just can't face it, and I want to know quickly whether or not I have restriction. Well, when I compare how I felt on my new Diet Chef meals on Friday and Saturday to how I felt yesterday and today, there is a big difference. I am FULL! I was literally starving hungry on the other days, but I haven't had a single hunger pang today.
So hopefully everything will start to get back on track.