Monday, 21 July 2008

Stale mate

I really thank you for you comments, and I totally agree. I am back in the whole "its easier to stay as things are" phase again.

I haven't put on weight this week, nor have I gained any thank God. I deserve to though. I have had numerous bottles of wine, including the sweet Tokaj wine from Hungary which I love and a whole bar of cadburys dairy milk and sweets and crisps galore.

What I need to do is get into a routine. I don't have a food that I can routinely eat and not be ill with, but this week I have had a lot less problems with HMS'ing.

I have had to HMS twice, no, three times that I can remember. 2 were yesterday. I had one of those snack pots like Philadelphia with bread sticks but it was actually french toast and tomato salsa and cheese or something which they called a Brushetta Snack. I would use that phrase loosely to be honest, but I followed just 1 'brushetta' with a mouthful of pesto pasta ad it sat there and I had to get rid of it. Then yesterday evening we had a massive meal cooked by the Hungarian section of the family - chicken soup followed by breaded meat filled pancakes with herb potatoes followed by Bakewell tart made by Sue. Wow, there was no way I could eat all that. I had the soup which was thin chicken stock basically with little bits of pasta floating in it, then I had half a pancake and 1/4 of a potato. Then I had to HMS. Then I had a spoonful of custard and a taste on the tip of my tongue of bakewell tart. That was yesterday.

I find that in the morning I cant eat anything to be honest. If I do, it just gives me grief with burping and that heavy stuck feeling on my chest. Lunch I can usually manage something like soup or dairylea dunkers eaten slowly or a little pasta with a wet sauce. Dinner I can do. I cant do much of it, but I can at least do it.

What I am trying to do is eat too much. I don't need a fill, I just need to forget the way I used to and want to eat. Its impossible and just makes me miserable. If I struggle to eat all day, by the end of the day I ALWAYS will have something foodie to make myself feel better like wine, or chocolate or ice cream, and this has got to stop.

I figure that if I stop trying to be a fucking idiot and eat what I know I CAN eat, then by the evening I will feel good about the days eating and not feel like I want to have a sugar fest.

This week, I am going to make a concerted effort to just eat what I know I can and not be a prick and try and eat a whole pancake or even a half! I had to admit that I am writing this revelation as I am chocking on a bite of gluten free pancake made by DS and Lili the Hungarian. They wanted me to try their master piece, and I regret it. So I am going to HMS and then just go with the flow. I am also not going to have wine until my brothers wedding as I expect that I will lost 2 dress sizes just cutting out that crap.

I am under no stress now, work has finished for the summer hols and I am at home all day doing what I love best... nothing! So I am going to get my head together and work my arse off to make sure that next summer I am a scrawny bint.

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