I weighed myself this morning. I thought... what the hell and hopped on. 15 stone 7 it screamed out at me. I was shocked beyond belief. All I feel is proud and happy and so amazingly wonderful. 15 and a half stone???? OH MY!!!! This is like the best thing ever. I think I am actually believing in this band now, and cutting the crap out of my diet... i.e. wine and chocolate, sorts me out. It is simply those 2 things that cause me to feel shitty, guilty and to put on weight. They don't even make me that happy when I am eating them, so why do I (and 1000 of others who have the same problem...)?
Nothing feels as good as getting on those scales and hearing those pounds getting lower.
I really shouldn't have logged it today, but it felt so good I had to. I just hope that on Monday its not higher, because that makes me feel worse than anything. I had a bad experience last year that way just after having my band sorted... I lost about 9 pounds in a week do you remember? Well obviously I checked and checked and checked and the scales told the truth, but when I jumped on the following week it was higher again ad it really puts me backwards. Its like some kind of twisted mental game or something.
I have really taken on board Lapbandgirl's comment of the other week... Thanks Erica. I don't know why but this comment has REALLY helped me... like a word at the right time.
"...we shouldn't be eating by the clock, just when we're hungry. If you don't
feel like much dinner, don't eat it... but don't think you have to eat
Now we all know this is true right? However, until that moment I read that, I hadn't really GOT it. Why the Fuck do I eat if I am not hungry? Why??? Seriously? I honestly don't know. We get up and its breakfast so we have to have something to eat right... Then its lunch, so we better eat something. Then dinner.... etc.
(-what follows is a really weird post of my meanderings and righting the worlds wrongs so quit now if you don't want to be inanely bored)
Actually no. Just because I have a pencil in my pocket doesn't mean I have to sharpen it. I only sharpen it if I need to right? What happened to us? If you pardon the pun, why do we have the all consuming desire to keep the motor running?
Its taken me a about a week pondering this comment from Erika to really sort my shit out. I have been feeling guilty if I don't eat breakfast so I make sure I have lunch. So as I am puking the lunch up over the sink I am now worried that I am gonna drop dead from starvation. Was I actually hungry in the first place? The thought does not enter my mind.
So these last few days I have really taken stock of where I am at head space wise. I get up in the morning and the last thing I want to do is eat. I DO however want to drink. So that's what I do. Its half past 12 right now in the UK... about the time one starts thinking of ones guts... Why? I am not actually hungry... so I have to ignore this urge to stuff myself as that is all it is. Its not driven by hunger or need for physical sustenance. Its driven by the clock. I mean... what? Why do we do this?
*Shakes head with utter confusion*
So I am not going to eat by the clock. I am going to consider if I feel hungry before I eat anything. this is hard because obviously as wives/girlfriend's/mothers we have to feed our brood when they get hungry (which is oddly around the clock... so maybe we are making the same mistakes there... there really should be no time for lunch or dinner... it should be when you want it.) So to make it easier on us we call it lunch time or tea time or dinner time as it saves the poor woman having to slave her guts out in the kitchen endlessly when ever someone comes in and says "I'm hungry."
So Lunch, breakfast and dinner have become an institution that has been brought about by laziness in fact. Bare bones and all... if we really ate when we were hungry we would all eat at completely different times. You never see a rabbit stop whatever he is doing and sit down to some grass on the dot of 5pm do you?
To make it easier on ourselves we give ourselves times for these things... so we can plan our days around them. This is why it becomes such a bloody problem for some of us.
So is it possible to just eat when we want to...? Yes if we are all individually responsible for making our food. But for children this is not possible, and socially its not the best. Its really nice to sit down to a dinner and chat over it... but its not actually necessary is it. We could all sit around and chat at any time we wanted to... its just the fact that is a convenient time to do it when everyone is together.
Anyway, I have decided that if I am not hungry I will not eat. End of. So, thanks Lapbandgirl!