Monday, 31 December 2007

Yes we are back in Blighty...

But only for 72 hours.

We are off to our hilariously dubbed 'chateau' in France on Wednesday morning. Here is a view of said 'chateau' from inside one July morning...



Yeah, chateau it ain't! But its GREAT! We love it and it sleeps 6 so cant be bad.

So... Moscow was interesting. I enjoyed it greatly. Its amazing to see the things on the telly in real life. To be honest, its like they didn't really exist... they were unreal... and now they're not.

Red Square, The Kremlin, Itzmaelovsky Market, Bolshoi, Lenin's Mausoleum and The Russian State Museum that conveniently covers history just up to 1900 and therefore not bothering with the Tsar, Tsarina and the Russian Royal family that they killed.

It was a pretty chilling place. A definite "Wow" factor but kind of not in a good way. I dunno... I cant really describe it. I am glad I went.

I haven't uploaded my photos to the PC yet, but when I do I will show you some stunners.

My weight? Who knows. I am not going to bother even looking because I know it will be terrible. I am usually sick every day, but after I am sick I can always eat some more. I guess its just a case of fine tuning it all. I feel rubbish about it and have consumed a HELL of a lot of wine over the Russian break. I am likely to do another couple of gallons whilst in France, but then I am on the wagon. Its not good to swill down half a days calories in an evening, let alone what its doing to my guts!

So I am just kind of waiting to meet the Fill Doctor. I want him to actually give a damn.

Right now I am writing this whilst semi choking on some chicken.
Today I have eaten a half plate of garden salad and a handful of cooked pasta with garlic, herbs and olive oil on. I have had a pint of water with lemon and ginger slices, 3 cups of coffee and 4 mouthfuls of curry and rice. I sicked up the first 2 mouthfuls, and then ate a little more when it had settled down (and the meal was cold) and on the second chunk of chicken I had to stop. We are talking 100g of food. No more.

So, I am off to throw this up and grab a yogurt.

See ya all January 7th.

Thursday, 20 December 2007

Farewell for a couple of weeks

We are off to Moscow in about 2 and a half hours!

Its come round really quick. I am still up to my eyes packing and cleaning etc. At least we have Carina to look after the cats and the fish. I hope she will be ok on her own though... I would be really lonely.

So band wise, I still cant eat anything that is dry-ish or eat too quickly, but I am not being very good to be honest. I am going to make a concerted effort in when I get back from holiday to really sort myself out.

I am having a fill a week after I get back, so that will help no doubt.

Tuesday, 18 December 2007

How fine can you cut it...

Still not received the dosh... apparently it was done this afternoon, but obviously it takes a few days for everything to go through.

Trouble is I am going on Holiday on Friday, and it also happens to be pay day. Whoopee. This means that I have to do all the bills and everything, otherwise I will be in Russia without a bean.
This is pretty horrendous to be honest.

I am seriously considering not going to Moscow and cutting my losses. I know its crazy but I just cant seem to work out how it will all happen. DH's wages don't cover our bills, and I haven't been at work this month as you know. My Mum subbed us 2K but that covered last month's bills, not this month too. If the money doesn't go in tomorrow or Thursday then I will have to call it off as I simply don't have enough money. I always account for everything at the beginning of the month. It works for me. I shove all the money for the bills into one account on the 22nd and then I know whats left is all mine to spend on goodies. This is the way we have done it for years. I need to have the money in there to do this obviously. Normally its there. It earns interest all the while its sitting in the other account anyway. I hate to think about it, but maybe I will just have to wait here to sort it out when the transfer finally arrives.

Its just such an awful situation. I don't want to cadge any more off my Mum either as that's just pathetic at my age. Honestly. When someone says they will do something then they don't, what are you supposed to do with that. They have really let me down.

Anyway, it WILL come at some point which is the main thing. At least that is for certain. I received the signed copies from them today in the post.

I am in a horrid place with my weight. I am not thinking about being good, or careful and all I am doing is eating as much as I can of everything and anything without being sick. It normally means not a lot, but I know its the wrong things.

Ho Hum.
That's life I guess.

I will update when I know more.

Thursday, 13 December 2007

Come on now......!

Grrr.

The Company have been annoying me greatly.

However, I FINALLY received the agreement form; the document is signed and I should be very happy tomorrow.

In view of this I have been busy. I got DS a new winter coat as his has lost its oompf... I don't know but its like the duck down evaporated in the cupboard over the summer.

So I got him a coat, some of those bibbed ski trousers that are warm and toasty, thermal undies, and a pair of cool fleece lined boots. I bought DH a pair of snowboarding pants to keep him warm too. I have still got to get myself something, but I don't know what yet. I think I will have to go back to the shop and buy myself some but I know I will never wear them again. I dunno. I will have to see if the lined trousers I bought from eBay turn up and are good enough.

DS also got a hair cut and it looks super smart. They thinned it all out with those funny scissors and it looks amazing. Poor DS. He has soooooo much hair! Its actually too much because it makes it all stick up in a bouffant! But it looks cute as a button now. Yay. He is back to having the beautiful 1950's boy hair cut that I love.

Went out with Mimi this afternoon and we had a cool time. Lovely long chat, but no one was about today...? Very queer I thought. I think we passed one woman in an hour. I thought this time of year things should be buzzing...

I have had a weird eating day...

I had a Muller corner at about 4pm and then we had dinner at 6pm.
I managed 1/4 cheese and onion quiche, 1 duchess potato and some salad (lettuce, tomato, chick peas, garden peas and dressing)

Not a lot for 1 day huh. I was still full from yesterday I think.

Right, now I am off to bed to catch up on some well needed reading because DH is away tonight. Cup of hot chocolate, book, the whole bed to myself and no snoring! A rare treat!

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

BLACK WEDNESDAY

Exactly 10 months since banding.
4 weeks since re surgery

Weight this morning: 17 stone 5 pounds - 243lbs

CRAP

I feel gutted.

When you think you have lost more and find out its not true... its wrenching.

But hey, this blog is real man!
I have know idea how the scales read such different results but they were obviously wrong last time.

Today has been random.

I have booked a holiday to Hungary again. We are going on 24th January for 5 nights. Thought it would be good to go somewhere and my friends are coming too. It was really really cheap, so what the heck.

We also insured our German guest on our car and she took it for a spin. The first and the last one... She hit a wall. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

So my NEW car is down at the body shop being touched up can you believe. Little dent and some scrapes. Bummer. She felt terrible about it. I felt terrible for her too. I couldn't care less about the car to be honest, I just hope she doesn't feel bad. She doesn't want to drive in England any more. I can understand that. Its a real shock for her.

Ho hum... what a day.

I wanted to thank Tina ... for your comments. Thanks honey :o)

*Update at 11:45pm*

We just got back from bowling and dinner. We had a cool time, and went to the Chinese afterwards for all you can eat. Yeah! HA HA.

I was sick in the toilets!! Oh MY!
I am so glad that happened. I am really feeling it now.

I was a bit naughty though as I felt full after the starter, but had 2.5 duck pancakes and a tablespoon of noodles and about 5 prawns in tempura batter and sweet and sour sauce.

If I had not had a drink with my meal, I could not have eaten this much, but I was following every couple of mouthfuls with a swig of juice because I wanted to eat the Chinese so bad.

I wont do that again. Its so obvious that it really helps the food go down. Its just cheating.

I have also booked my fill with Dr Chris De Bruyne in London on 17th January.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Bunny and the peculiar chain of events...

I AM ON A HIGH.
The Company have been true to their word. They have been totally cool and I am being PAID OUT! Also its MORE than I asked for! YAY
Things are on the turn.

BUT

Hmmm.
I am a little bit weirded out.

I heard from The Company yesterday morning.

This was shortly after I heard from 'The Informer'... remember her? She was the lady who helped me to realise there was a problem with my band and to get my carcass back over the Belgium pronto.

I haven't posted until today because I honestly didn't know what to write, or handle the chain of events that panned out from Monday morning.

Talk about false comforter.

The Informer made me feel totally rubbish. Over the course of 30 minutes she basically told me I was a money grabber and obsessive about my weight and weight loss and that I should get a life.

I couldn't believe it.

Compared to a month ago when she was bemoaning her problems and all the strife it had caused, now she was saying what a wonderful company they were and how glad she was that she chose them... bla bla. Then she told me that I shouldn't bother claiming for 3 months lost wages, or my emotional compensation because "After all they have had 100's of people in the situation and they know if a claim is over the top". She also noticed that people like me who talk about their band a lot don't do so well with the band (!) and the best advice she had had was to "consider it like going to the dentist" and forget about it.

Then told me its life and we have to get on with it.

Hmmmm.

I was stunned. I was even agreeing with her as I was so flabbergasted that someone could so brazenly rubbish the way I dealt with upset, stamp all over my feelings and tell me I was obsessive - and all this on the phone to boot!

Well I think you were the stupid one. What you said was rubbish and obviously The Company think so too and I wanted to let you know that because, literally, 15 minutes after you put down the phone, The Company called me and told me that they are going to settle out of court and are paying MUCH more than I claimed. I think maybe you should not have been so hasty...

More fool you.

So I have been considering why you would tell me such stuff and make me feel so rubbish...

I have no idea. Maybe you get a handout every time you 'find' one of us that's had the same problem? Maybe you work for them? Maybe you are just plain cheesed off that you didn't claim enough and lost out on thousands (YES! Sorry about that!) Maybe you are even the person who leaves those nasty comments...?

Whatever.

All I wanted you to know was that I am THRILLED that you told me about your problem, and helped me and my Bunk Mate both get our bands sorted out. I will never forget that you ended 8 LONG months of frustration, pain and suffering, tears and gave me the key to get back on track.

I also want you to know that what you said yesterday was hogwash and this was no 'little thing' for me. Yes, we all deal with things differently... do you really know me? If you did, you would know WHY I handled it the way I did and why I deserve to claim far more than I actually did.

Oh, and don't bother calling me again ok? I don't think I need that kind of person in my life thanks.

Sunday, 9 December 2007

Watching me go BANANAS

WHAT???

?

I don't know what is going on any more.

I weighed myself on Wednesday. I nearly launched the scales on a trip to Mars.

I cant even remember what the scales said, but it was a load of RUBBISH.

On Monday ( a sneak peek at the scales) weighed 16 stone 6. That meant another 3 pound off. I was ecstatic. I didn't record it though as I was waiting until Wednesday - my weigh day.

On Wednesday 5th December the scales said

17 stone 9.

WHAT????????????????????

Impossible. ITS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE.

I have been so totally disabled by this weigh gain/ or no gain/ or no loss or whatever it is that I can barely breathe.

Thursday I have a breakdown and ended up at the doctors and had my Prozac upped to 60mg and since then I have tried to not think about the weight at all...

Today I thought, right, I am naked. Its the morning. I haven't had a coffee. I have been to the loo.

I can handle it.

Lets get weighed.

17stone 5.5lbs.

What a crippling joke. Its lower that Wednesday, but now I don't know which way to think. Are they right? DH weighs correctly every time.

So was the scale right (even though I checked 5 times on Wednesday 28th November) when it said 16 stone 9??? Or was I imagining it?

I am so upset. I don't know why its bugging me so VERY much, but it really really really really is.

So My weight as of today is 17 stone 5.5 lbs (243.5lbs) PANTS.

Theres no way I could put on 14 pounds in 2 sodding days.

Wednesday's lovely entry must be wrong.

CRUD!

Thursday, 6 December 2007

Feeling less than sad

Forgive my weaknesses and the strange way I display them.

I am feeling pretty darn rubbish.

I went to the quack today and told them how I was feeling and they prescribed me a higher dose of funny pills.
YAY. I am a nutter. Its confirmed.

I am now on 60mg of Prozac. Thats the highest dose apparently. Hmmm...

I am gonna watch telly and not think about:
weight
my self loathing
guilt
chocolate
lack of self esteem
weight
being a loser
being a complete faliure
being ugly
weight
being a crap mum
being a crap wife
weight
or any old stupid tripe like that.

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Rubbish day

Was a greedy pig today.

Forgive me Lap Band master, for I have sinned...
It has been a while since my last confession...

Today I have eaten:
2 Muller crunch corners
1 giant twix
1 giant kit kat chunky
1 packet of crisps
1 McDonald's cheeseburger happy meal
1 cinema size bag of minstrels with a couple of fistfuls taken out by TB.

Holy cheese.

Today's calories, are staggeringly low considering: 2341.

I consider myself castigated enough by my own guilt and self loathing.

Tomorrow is weigh day. *Weeps into coffee*

Sunday, 2 December 2007

Do I need a fill...?

Hey! Its paranoid girl here.

I really feel like I have been thrown in at the deep end with this band.

One day I am choking on my tablets, and the next I can eat a Sunday lunch and pudding.

Oh I am so worried. Its wrecking my mental balance completely.

Before I carry on let me tell you today's food:
Breakfast: 100g Quaker granola
Lunch: glass of fruit juice and 100g cashew nuts slice of bread and a small piece of Serrano ham
Snack: Muller corner
Dinner: thick slice roast beef (equivalent to size of 1 chicken breast), 1 tbsp cabbage, 2 tbsp runner beans, 1 half roast potato, 1 roast parsnip, 2 broccoli florets, 1tsp horseradish sauce, bisto, 1/4 of syrup sponge pudding (home made) about the size of a fist with custard.

All in all about 1800 cals today.

Now, I think that last meal was a lot. I was chewing well, and I must admit I was thinking "am I full? What about now?" throughout it, but the answer was not a complete or definite yes.

I know that I would definitely have eaten more this time 5 weeks ago. Maybe it was because I had not had much food throughout the day...?

I am now fretting about the following:
1.) The band is broken and I am going to put on weight
2.) I am going to put on weight
3.) I need a fill and I will stop losing weight until I get one
4.) I am going to put on weight
5.) The band is broken (does anything hurt? any clues?)
6.) Oh no, what if I don't lose weight?
7.) Maybe its not going to work for me
8.) The band is broken and I am back to square one
9.) I am going to put on weight...Do I need a fill?
10.) Will I ever lose weight?

etc etc etc etc

Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone else find they can sometimes eat loads, and other times nothing at all? I mean yesterday I had just the smallest amount of my dinner and I HAD to stop. in know there was no way on this earth that I could have eaten another mouthful. But today... different story.

If this happens a lot then I can handle it. Its just not knowing what to expect that is messing my mind around. Is it truly possible to wake up one day and feel no restriction at all and know you need a fill or does it creep up slowly over a few weeks and you realise that you are not so satisfied at every meal?

I am guessing that what happened to me today was just one of those things and the fact that yesterday I could not eat my dinner at all means that my band is totally cool and I have good restriction. I am sure you cant just wake up the next day and everything is slack. its not possible surely. That why now I am worried again that my band is busted, and I have to talk myself into believing in it this time and trusting that it will go the distance (HELP!). I don't have any pain like I did back in May. I don't have any pain like I did after my fills. I am a bit sore around my port area, but I can bend, stretch, shower, walk, sit and do a lot of things that I couldn't just a few short weeks ago. I really think the soreness is simply down to being plain sore after an operation and a little bit to do with being a bit bloated from my * week.

Ok, I have talked myself out of my worries.

Or have I?

Oh dear...

Saturday, 1 December 2007

1st day back to work for real!

Right, I have a bloke booked to come on Tuesday to clean and polish and deodorise my filthy new car and that has made me feel heaps better. He is a valet guy I found in the yellow pages and lives nearby, doesn't cost the earth and will do a sterling job I am sure.

Today's work went fine. I did 7 lessons today, no problems. All went really smoothly and everyone was really pleased I was feeling better, and consoled and commiserated over my spate of bad luck of late. It was nice to see them actually.

Well, I have the dreaded curse again, and with it usually comes pain. Well it did all the while my band was broken. This month I am a little bloated and I can feel pressure on the stomach wall, but its not too dreadful. It kind of feels like my port area has tuned into a plank of wood... sort of immobile and bleugh - but not painful. THANK GOD

I had been dreading it to be honest. They have been so horrid of late that I really was hoping the sudden weightloss and stress would put an end to it for a while. No such luck on that score.

So, today has been pretty hectic. I had a bowl of granola and milk for breakfast at 9:00am and I lasted all day until I got home at 4:30 without any major worries actually. I had intended to have a lunch break, but it didn't work out that way - that's the only trouble with my job... chatting about stuff after lessons eats up my time.

So I got home and hurriedly made 2 slices of toast with baked beans and cheese and a small dollop of coleslaw. I ate it really easily and quickly, and *PARANOIA* struck again.

I tried not to think about it, but just couldn't help myself, and found myself feeling sorry for myself and worrying that the band had gone pop again. A quick snap back to reality from DH saying "Are you in agony like last time? No! Its fine honey" worked sort of OK, but you know what I'm like.

So it was fish and chips from the chippy tonight for tea. I optimistically ordered cod and chips and mushy peas. I ate 1/4 of the fish, 4 chips and a couple of mouthfuls of peas when I felt the stickiness. I just stopped and handed my lovely full plate of food over to DH. I must admit this is the first time I have been sad when I couldn't eat. Not bad I guess.

I had a bottle of wine over the course of the evening and a muller corner.
Today's calories total = 1674.

off to bed now.
night night.