Tuesday, 25 September 2007
That means I have lost about 1 and a half pounds a month since I shelled out £4000 on my surgery.
Pretty crap when you look at it that way huh...
I am sitting here making myself feel worse not better.
For god sake someone tell me that this time next year I will be a scrawny bint! PLEASE
I am now 17stone 3 and a half pounds - That's 10 and a half pounds lost since banding!! YAYAY
I had a bit of an odd slimmingworld meeting today though.
The Beeeyatch of a slimmingworld consultant, who we shall call.... umm... *PIG*, has been a complete and utter swamp donkey.
As you all know, I had my band fitted when I was attending a slimmingworld class that ran on a Monday. I told the consultant that I had had my band, because I was worried about losing loads of weight. She reassured me that I wouldn't lose loads (she was right hey!) immediately, and that I was totally welcome in the class, she had other people in class before who had had a lap band, and that I was still going to have to follow a healthy eating plan. All true.
Anyhow, as you all know I left slimmingworld in June because I lost the plot diet wise. So when I rejoined at my previous group with *PIG* on a Tuesday, I didn't bother to tell her about my band because
- I am not losing loads of weight and therefore will not be slimmer of the week
- I will not be entering their dumb competitions to win anything
- I will be following the healthy eating plan - well sort of
- I need to get weighed whether I have a band or not
- I had been so reassured by my other consultant that I didn't think I needed to inform her
- and lastly - ITS NONE OF HER DAMN BUSINESS
Well somehow... she know all about it.
I have told 3 people at slimming. 1 of them being the person I went to Belgium with - TB. another being a pupils mother who happened to go to slimmingworld ages ago, but not anymore who I know would not breathe a word. The other one being the girl I saw 2 weeks for the first time in a year who was genuinely excited for me and also told me today of the callous betrayal of confidentiality flouted by not ONE but TWO slimmingworld consultants.
I am in absolutely no doubt that my previous consultant has told my new consultant that I had a lap band fitted. Since I am a rejoin, this information should NEVER have been shared. She should never have put my friend in that position, on the telephone, where she felt torn. *PIG* blatantly asked her whether she knew if I had had an operation or not. Of course my friend would tell me what was said, even though she asked her not to say anything.
What a complete scab hound. If my friend had not known that I had had a lap band and came up and asked me if I had had an operation, I would have been really upset, because I CHOOSE who I tell.
I am really annoyed and I phoned the head office today to ask them about it all. I enjoy going to slimmingworld as you get great tips and stuff, info and all kinds of support (banded or not!) and I like to keep a check on everything. I now feel that anyone in that room might know I have had an operation and I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like if I talk to *PIG* about it then that will drop my friend in it, but if I don't, then my mind will get away with itself and I will be paranoid android thinking that everyone who gets a phone call from her will be asked "Do you know her well... I heard a rumour..." What a scummy thing to do to someone. I feel like a piece of scum now. I feel humiliated and not worthy of going to the class. I feel shat on by someone who I told things to in confidence. So much for their confidentiality policy. Its not worth a fig.
I am so glad my friend told me. I know if she reads this she will be really upset that she said anything, but PLEASE don't be. *PIG* has upset so many people in the past, including me, that maybe she needs to be told. I would have hated not to know, and I am glad you told me about it honey honest! I want to give it to *PIG* both barrels, but I wont because of you. I will just rant my frustration on here. If *PIG* reads this maybe she will have the decency to apologise for the hurt she has caused me.
I am sure that the other consultant who told *PIG* about it has also has some degree of negligence in this, but it should never have been mentioned to another member of the class. For goodness sake!! God, I am sick of these jumped up little Hitlers telling us to "do better" and "lose weight" when they are often the ones that make us feel so crap we want to go and eat 765 donuts. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. They tell us this and that, but when it comes to being decent honest upright members of society they fall very short. HOW DARE SHE????
I am on the phone to TB right now, and told her to ring *PIG* under the pretense of needing a password for the website.. tee hee
Right, TB has just got off the phone from her right now. TB was baiting her so badly, but *PIG* didn't bite or have the guts to ask her anything about it. She kept bringing the conversation round to me, but she just didn't go for it.
We will wait and see if she has the guts to ask me herself the nosy cow.
Monday, 24 September 2007
It was some kind of strange pasta that I bought from Hungary before I had my band done. It looks like mini clouds in the packet.. little nuggets of pasta, and looks like a load of creamy sick when cooked. I think its more like gnocchi that pasta actually.
With that I had a can of Pork goulash that I bought in Lidl. I guess that if you have to put a picture of a pigs head on it, there has to be some reason. This could have been any type of meat. If you had said it was steak I would have believed you, and if you had said it was chicken, I would have believed you. It could even have been whale blubber to be honest. It was RANK.
*goosebumps running down whole body*
I ate about 2 pieces of 'meat' and a couple of spoons of the pasta blobs. I put the bowl on the floor and the cats finished the rest off. That just goes to prove its basically only fit for animals.
I am really looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in. I hope I have done OK. I have been basically good this week. We have had a couple of takeaways, but as with everything its the quantity isn't it. I am definitely eating less that I was which is good.
I do feel a bit vacant about the whole banding thing at the moment. I don't know whether I should just eat, or go on a diet, or what really. Its kind of like living in limbo land... just waiting for something to happen - good or bad.
I feel like something big is about to happen... I don't know what, but life is just way too boring right now.
We have our American cousins coming to stay next Tuesday for the night. They are staying for a couple of weeks and seeing the sights, and we get to see them on Tuesday which will be cool. We last saw them 4 years ago, so we are really excited about that. They were so good to us showing us about all over San Diego and the desert and stuff. It will be good to be able to re pay the favour.
Anyway, going to go and get an early night now.
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Only take a closer look if you don't mind bad language. Its pretty rude. This was the cartoon made by TB's husband about our trip to France last weekend... Of course it's probably only funny if you know us.
Friday, 21 September 2007
DH had a college run to do, and I was dashing about like the proverbial blue fly so I grabbed at a stary tenner and hit the chippy.
I had cod and chips. It was yummy.
This is becoming my confessional isn't it. I didn't want it to be like that... but it will hopefully help me later on by reading through it to see why I turn to crap food.
So yeah, not too happy about that, but hey, its a new day and all that jazz.
I just finished off two humongous plums. Lovely sweet flesh, but really horrible nasty bitter skins. What is it with fruit here in the UK shops?
I swear food everywhere else is much more delicious. Our food practically looks plastic. Its all the right colours, or you think it is, until you go to France or Germany and you see their fruit. Their fruit looks less bright, a bit odd sized and sometimes much more massive... Whole humongous heads of lettuce with mud on..., you think to yourself "Oh dear, here we go" and it tastes FANTASTIC... cucumber tastes like cucumber. Tomatoes taste like tomato.
I always bring back loads of fresh veg from France when we go. The garlic is something else.
Anyway, boring. Right. I have to go and try and instill some kind of education into my son. May the force be with me.
Just had my lunch - small jacket potato and heinz sweet chilli beans. They are well nice.
Off to work in a mo. Just got ridof 4 pupils, so thats good. They mucked me around something wicked, so I just jacked them in. The can annoy someone else.
will update l8er
Thursday, 20 September 2007
DS wanted to get a new fish for his tank... we ended up not being able to decide so we got 3.
I also thought that the water could do with a bit of a blaat of oxygen, so I got one of those pump jobs that go bubble bubble bubble...
Then DS spied a little fake plant thing that was quite funky so we got that too, and then I noticed some oil for the garden furniature I had been meaning to buy all summer long.
Just never ends does it. So I came home feeling like I had been fleeced somehow when all I really wanted was some more fish food. These shops are so cleverly arranged that you can help but buy other stuff. I nearly bought a bird cage and little finch 'cos it was well cute. I slapped myself a good couple of times and woke up to the fact I have 5 cats and the poor little thing would be terrorized to death within the month.
Foodwise... pretty damn cool...
I have had several GOOD THINGS happen to me - yes I know its unusual, but it has to happen to me sometimes.
I discovered this AWESOME site called http://www.mysupermarket.co.uk/ where you do your shopping as normal and it shows you what it would have cost if you had shopped elsewhere... I chose Tesco, and it was just about the same as if I had shopped at Asda. Then the FUN began. At the end of the shopping it shows you that if you made a couple of swaps from other products you could save X amount of £'s AND CALORIES!! Yes, If I swapped my normal Kellogg's cornflakes to tesco's own cornflakes I save something like 49p. But if i swapped to tesco's Organic cornflakes I saved a further 11p and also 100 cals. HOW DAMN COOL IS THAT????
Seriously, check it out people. Well worth it.
Next cool thing to happen was a discovery I made c/o mysupermarket.co.uk. Because I swapped some kind of muller light for Danone Shape lasting satisfaction yoghurts I not only saved money and calories, but found that I could NOT eat my breakfast after I had eaten this yoghurt. It is seriously filling for us bandsters. I was TOTALLY SHOCKED that I could not eat my 2 boiled eggs that were boiling away on the stove.
However, I am well pleased that I have found some snack that is only 75 cals and Sooooo filling. Cool.
So breakfast today was a Yoghurt (Danone shape lasting satisfaction)
Lunch was 2 slices bread with beetroot and slice of cheese
snack - Yorkie bar ;o) Yeah I know, but I just couldn't resist.
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Weirdly, I have also not eaten much.
Breakfast (over the course of the morning): Fruit - plum, apple, banana..
Lunch @2pm - small cereal sized bowl of pasta with pesto.
Dinner @9pm - Heinz Baked Beans on 2 slices of toast with cheese.
2 glasses white wine.
feeling not like dieting in any way...
feeling that this band might be working...
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
I am now officially 17 stone 5 or 243lbs.
That's 4 and a half pounds since rejoining slimmingworld/fill number 5. I am guessing it is the fill that has helped me here, because I have been to France for the weekend and 'indulged' and also had a cake during the week. So thanks band!
I have had today:
fruit (bananas, plums, apples, grapes)
1 slice of bread
3 slices of pizza + 2 bits of garlic bread
1 bottle of red (well nearly!)
So I am kind of treating today as a celebration!! HA HA.
I have also gone swimming and walking and all kinds of other stuff.
So feeling good, and now I am off to bed. Tomorrow we have a surveyor coming around to make sure our house is worth what we say it is as we are just about to remortgage. Seems like a decent chap. Lets hope so! We shall find out for sure at 8am (I didn't realise there were two 8 o'clocks in a day!)
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Slimmingworld this morning went well, as you can tell, and I am ecstatic.
So I now weigh 17 stone 6 and a half pounds. YAY!
Today I have been pretty good and I have found I am fuller longer. Oh please God that this is really restriction of some sort.
I was on the phone to my Mum today and I had just eaten a nectarine. I burped and up came food too!! HA HA HA HA HA HA. This is FABULOUS. I know it sounds really grim, but this to me is a really good sign that I am getting there. There are lots of things that are weird. Like when I have a coffee, I gulp it down as normal, but it does kind of stay in my throat before it trickles down... it feels like that anyway.
I haven't had hard pain in chest, elephants sitting there or puke or anything weird like that so far, and I did eat dry couscous... but dinner I felt stuffed. I would say I had a cup of pasta (like a mug size) and about half a cup of roasted veg and mozzarella with that. I have been completely full all evening, and I still am. The rest of the day I have actually only eaten fruit with the exception of a kitkat that I had for breakfast BEFORE I got weighed... so how about that!!
I HOPE THAT THIS IS IT
That's all I can say. I couldn't take it if I had to have another operation to correct a leaking system or something like that. I swear to God I would rather have a full blown bypass than go through that again. If I have to be in pain again with that, I might as well have the other surgery!
I am burping for England right now too. Every mouthful of food I have "burp!", every drink "Belch!" So something has changed. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!
So its on with the rest of the week.
Today has been a particularly good day for luck... if you believe in that crap, which I don't. I gained a few pounds when I received a cheque for £216.57 for a claim I put in with a parcel company when something I sold on eBay arrived in 3 parts and completely busted. Then I lose 3 pounds and slimmingworld (those are the pounds I love to lose!). Then... we had a chat to a mortgage advisor and we can cut our monthly repayment by £250 a month!! WHAT A RESULT. This truly is an amazing amount to save isn't it! I am so stoked about it. I think I can actually justify getting my nails done again and my underarms waxed!! :o) I had put a stop to it because of getting Mina our housekeeper, but sod it!!!!! I can have a clean house AND nice nails now!! YAY. My mum also gave me £500 which is sooooo lovely of her. How cool is that. Oh and I just had my hair cut into a lovely style but keeping all the length, so all in all it has been a wonderful day...
...but I can't help wondering whats going to go wrong....
Monday, 10 September 2007
I am about to go to work in half an hour and I feel light headed and faint and I want to go to bed... however my mortgage say "GO TO WORK!"
So I am having to eat something to keep me going until I get home at 9:30pm.
Today I have had:
3 cups of coffee
half can of low fat chicken soup with a handful of peas in it
1 slice of bread (guess this is not a good sign of restriction)
1 instant pot of roast veg couscous approx 220 cals.
So not much, but its not enough either...
Port pain wise... I think I would be in agony if I tried hard enough. Its not horrendous, but I am popping aspirin (yeah i know its not good), paracetamol and also volterol (diclofenac). So I am on a cocktail of drugs so I guess my pain would be less. I simply cannot stand the thought of working in pain... I am goign to dose myself up again just prior to going off to work. I have managed to go to town and do the bank and give DS his whole day of school work, so I am not doing too badly. I just have to be careful not to bend down and pick stuff off the floor, or twist my body, run, stretch or like do anything normal!
Anyway, going to check DS's effort on his handwriting. He is trying to bargain with me already! The cheek of him. I told him Year 4 means no excuses and he might as well save his breath. I have been very good today and he has completed every task so far. Pfht. so much for "I cant do it its too hard"... *Evil laugh*
I will update later
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Anyway, this morning my swelling had gone down entirely. My skirt was done up and loose again and I didn't look like I was going to have to say "Honey, I think its time to take me to the hospital... its time"...
Those rotten friends of ours had prepared a luscious fried breakfast for everyone.. except me :o(
DH, DS and the Brown's tucked into a veritable heart attacking feast of sausages, bacon, eggs, fried pots and toast.
I sat there too smelling the deliciousness of it all drinking my innocent smoothie, eating another 2 kids fromage frais and a quarter tub of hummus. Yum Yum.
I was full.
My port has been EXCRUCIATING all day. I feel like I have a tennis ball for a port at the moment, and there is a red ring around the needle site of about an inch. Not good. God I hope its not an infection or something.
We can home and I spent most of the day in bed... I got up at 6:00pm as DH had gone to badminton and I just could not take any more time in bed as I felt skanky. I washed my hair and had a good de-fuzz and I feel much better.
Whilst I was in bed I had a yoghurt and a glass of orange juice.
When I got up I had a pint of milk. Since then I have had a cup of coffee and a glass of water with dissolveable paracetamol and aspirin in it. I had also made myself another coffee and opened another yoghurt... but they are still sitting here next to me... the coffee cold and the yoghurt slightly warmer than it should be.
I feel full. When I was talking on the phone to Mum earlier whilst lying in bed I had to keep clearing my throat as I had yoghurt coming back at me...
I am going to take this as a good sign that I have restriction.
If I wasn't in so much damned pain I would be really happy. But at the moment my port is beyond painful and I feel sick... probably all that milk.
So today's food:
2 petis filous
1/3rd tub hummus (65g)
2 glasses of smoothie (banana, apple, cherry, rosehip and blackcurrant)
1 pear yoghurt (250g)
1 pt orange juice
I also have another coffee and yoghurt here waiting to be eaten as I said earlier...
I am full as I can be.
This is great.
Ok... it was FILL NUMBER 5
He gave me 2 mls. If all the fills are still actually present in the band I now have 9.7mls in there. I frankly think this is bull.
I am seriously doubting several things:
1.) Dr Clayson in Tamworth did not inject me with saline into my port, but instead it just went into my skin.
2.) If everything is ok... Is it actually leaking or something?
However, that said, the fills I have had in Barnes with Dr. Dovey have felt completely different. I can feel the needle for one thing, and I feel it knock hard against the metal plate at the back of the port when he does it.
After Clayson put my 3rd fill in in May I did find some minuscule restriction... If I am not careful I cant eat chips, bread or cake... But as long as its wet and I chew it well enough it went down no problem.
After the my 4th fill, which was with Dr. Dovey, I have been a well bad girl, but I didn't feel any difference at all with the amount of restriction. You can read all about how I have been between 29th June and today. I haven't even been blogging much; various reasons, but haven't been in a happy place either.
So Yesterday he gave me 1 and a half mls. Then as I could drink all the water no problem he suggested he aspirate the band and see categorically how much fluid was in there. So he jabbed me again and tried to pull out any fluid. Now, he had just inserted 1 and a half mls... but he got nothing out. He said sometimes when there is not much restriction it doesn't come out easily, but he couldn't get anything. I wanted him to try harder but it was PROPER killing me! So he put another half a ml in while he was at that anyhow.
So a total of 2ml. So according to everything I should have a stoma the size of a pin hole, but obviously this is not correct. I cant possibly have 9.7mls in my band. No way.
BUT.... We met this really lovely fellow bandster, Dee, who's blog you can view from the right hand side links. She had her band about a year ago and just check out the photos on her July entries... O M G!!!! Wow is all I can say. I was really impressed as she seemed to have a very similar experience... you know.. "all this money... no results... waste of time... bla bla" But it was about 6 moths for her until she really started noticing the difference in her food intake. I really enjoyed the comparison from her weightwatchers meal diarys to her meal diary now... WHAT A DIFFERENCE and band makes!
So I was really up beat when I left, even though I was a little concerned as I seem to have nothing in my band... even though he assured me there was.
We also met another guy from North Wales: Hello!! He was doing good too. He has lost a couple of stone, but it was just so nice to meet fellow Dillemans bandsters. We NEED to get a support group of people all who had their surgery there, because we suffer different problems from others due to the fact we don't have much aftercare here in the UK unless you have it done here too.
M (my fellow bunk mate from Belgium) was there too, and TB came with me for the drive so we all went to get a frapaccino after the ordeal. M had a 1 and a half ml fill too, so we are both really at the same place. Both a little fed up with the lack of weightloss... although she is doing better than me as she can do slimfast whereas I just want to slash my wrists if I am doing that for more than 1 day. Shes a dedicated lady. She looked absolutely fab too, which made me feel like a right loser. I have put on 9 pounds since my last fill. How good is that?
Ho Hum.. we sat down to coffee at Starbucks and had a good old chat. I started sucking my frap and I had to keep stopping. it was still kind of in my throat. Now, considering the fact that I still don't know what restriction is really, this was a little LOOPY. I kind of wanted to cry, shout and laugh and be sad all at the same time. M was like "No way... your joking me..." and looking at me like we were all waiting for a bomb to go off... **What will happen now?? ** Will she explode??
I felt hysterical - proper sense of the word. I didn't know whether to laugh cry or crap myself.
It took a good hour for me to drink the frapuccino, and I got one to go home with too. Greed still runs in the old veins you see!
Before I had my fill I was starving as I had only eaten an apple and a banana for breakfast and obviously I had my fill at 12pm and I was dying for food. I was full after drinking half a frap.
We came home and then we went around a friends for the evening for a BBQ. Great. I sat there watching the buggers gnawing away of ribs, steak, lamb kebabs, new pots, home made coleslaw and all the trimmings... I had some humus, 2 kids fromage frais and some soup. BOO HOO.
I did have wine though. 3 glasses. Mmmmm
We kipped there for the night as we couldn't be bothered to walk home at 1am and DS was sleeping over anyway, so made it easier just to bunk down there... but I was in a hell of a state. My port was throbbing. My stomach had swollen like I was 8 months preggers and it was right under my bust, just like pregnancy. I had to undo my skirt, and my pants were cutting into me. Our friends kept joking that I was going to explode and that I should warn them well in advance if I was going to let rip, as they would extinguish their cigarettes in case I blew us all up. I really thought I was going to fart for England.
So We bunked down for the night with DH praying he didn't die from toxic gas poisoning during the night.
Friday, 7 September 2007
I have not been happy since coming back from Sri Lanka...
I don't know why, but my weight has just gone up and up since then.
I am not eating too much, but I am not eating the right things either.
I now weigh 17stone 9 and a half pounds (247.5lbs). That means since I was banded in February I have lost only 4 and a half pounds... Or should I say I have Re- gained 19 pounds. since I went to Sri Lanka.
Is this 100% down to me being a stupid cow?
I know what I am doing, but I don't know why I do this.
I think I want to lose the weight... but maybe I don't...? I can't understand why I keep sabotaging myself. Its like there is something inside me that likes being this way... and its stronger that the one that wants to be thin.
This 'fat me' is really strong. It pushes me so hard to do the wrong thing. And I do it.
The 'thin me' is a weak and pathetic thing made of whimsy voile or something that is like one of those old Victorian ladies with consumption... all floaty and romantic.
I must sound like a complete stupid mad ridiculous nutcase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since coming back from Sri Lanka I think I have made about 6 fresh starts at losing the weight. Each time I fail. I get to a point and then pig out. I have never done this before and its scary. The other day I ate 9 chocolate covered muesli bars, 4 packets of crisps, 1 family bag size of minstrels and a bottle of red wine in just ONE EVENING!
These were just snacks. For my dinner that evening I had a Chinese takeaway - duck pancakes, sweet and sour chicken, prawn crackers, fried noodles, seaweed, sticky beef... etc.
Nothing I eat is a lot of food... its just the really WRONG food.
I eat the wrong thing at every opportunity.
I am binge eating too. I feel total scum when I do it.
So I went back to Slimmingworld with TB on Tuesday. The 'consumptive thin me' made the decision that I simply cannot do this alone. The last time I went to slimmingworld was before my holiday. This is the one big thing that has changed, and I know it kept me on the straight and narrow. Even if I did have a few off days, I would re-focus on the fact that I would be weighed the next week and start to do something about it.
So I went there not knowing what my weight was and I was DISGUSTED with myself.
I spent all that money on myself - went through all that agony - am STILL going through pain - and all I can do is eat like a fat stupid pig who doesn't know better.
I hate myself right now. I hate the person who gives in when temptation occurs.
I know I do want to lose weight, and I want to get rid of the strange tempter in my head.
I am also having a fill on Saturday. I booked it in yesterday as I know I don't have any restriction at all. I can eat anything I damn well please and to be honest, if I didn't have port pain, I wouldn't know I had a band in place right now. Something is not right.
I will try hard to sort my head out.