Tuesday, 28 March 2006

Just can't understand it

I dont understand it. I put on half a pound. I am now 16 stone 10 and a half pounds. I have been a paragon of virtue. How is this possible?
deeply depressed and annoyed.

Sunday, 26 March 2006

2 stone 2 and a half pounds down.... 6 stone to go!!! boo hoo

Have now lost a total of 2 stone and 2 and a half pounds. This is one year since I joined the Slimming Class. I have been and weighed in every week, unless I was on holiday, and in a year I have averaged a weightloss of half a pound a week. I am actually not very pleased with this.
The summer did a lot to knock my enthusiasm. I went up and down and up and down like the proverbial yo-yo. In November I had lost 1 stone 8 pounds in total, so I have only lost 8 and a half pounds since november. 4 and a half pounds of which i have lost in the last 3 weeks!!

I added up all my weightlosses and all my weight gains. I lost 5 stone in total and gained just under 3 in total. I cannot help but think that if I had not gained I would be 5 stone less rather than 2 stone less... its inevitable isnt it? I also cant help thinking that if I hadnt gone to class I would have probably been well over the 20 stone mark by now which is also quite horrifying!

I have tried to regain my motivation, but found myself lacking and so I have had accupuncture to try and help me rebalance my energy (mmmm) and kick start me again. I have had 4 sessions. After the first session I lost 3 lb. After the second I stayed the same. After the third session I lost 1 and a half pounds and I had the fourth session yesterday. I weigh in on tuesday, but I am certain that I have lost again. So accupuncture has done what I alone could not accomplish. I have lost 4 and a half pounds after accupuncutre in 3 weeks, and I know I have lost 4 pounds up until that point since november (3 months!!) So it seems like somethign is changing. I really am still comitted to losing this weight, but I just dont know why. I think i have to get to grips with why I want to lost the weight, because at the moment I dont really have a reason. Personally.

There are lots of reasons why I should lose weight - health and looks being two.... but I actually am not really bothered by either of them. Yes - ok - everyone wants to be healthy, but as a young person, death and health problems from obesity seem like it they happen to other people. Its like its not really going to happen to me. I know I am kidding myself, but surely that is every addicts problem. I dont believe that food will kill me, just like a smoker knows all the statistics stacked up against him! Its wont happen to us.

So i need a better reason than that. I am not particularly bothered about lookign good. I have a husband who cares little what I look like. I was slim when I met him and he loved me then, I am fat and he loves me now. It doesnt seem to matter what shape I am, he just loves me. This in itself is a probelm. There is no real incentive. However, he is in a no win situation, because if he said "you look terrible, get yourself together" I would need up hating him and becomign annoyed and then eat more to comfort myself and stay fat!

So If the guy supported my weightloss, I would kind of like it and not like it. So how the heck can i get myself together and sort this out. I guess I have to want to do it for myself, but I just cant find the energy. I am keeping goign day to day just thinking about the holiday we are due to go on in 10 weeks, but after that.... whats goign to keep me going? I am also really worried that i will put on loads and loads like I did last time I went to France. I know that it completely ruined my motivation to be able to put so much weight on so quickly, and not get it off in the same time.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be thin.... and then if I actually get thin, what then. Get fat again? I see this a process with a beginning and an end... but for me I dont think that there will ever be an end. I will perpetually be on "the diet" which is hellish to think about. So when I get to target, i am still going to be saying stuff like "I made this amazing cake with chickpeas and quark and yes... it tastes a bit cooky but you know you really get used to it!" rather than "wow that chocolate sundae was amazing!" This is it for life. I am gonna have to go to that class for the rest of my days because I will never be able to eat what I want ever again. You may think this is extreme but I guarantee its not.

I think I kind of have to look at food as an allergy. If I was allergic to eggs, I would avoid them, so I guess I am just intollerant to fatty foods. Lets face it, if I eat like regular people, i get bigger and bigger. I cannot get away with eating what I want when I want to like the rest of humanity and that bugs the crap out of me.